The magic of interpersonal and communication skills

The magic of

interpersonal and communication skills

Margaret YEN NLP Trainer 03/2007

Overview
1. 2. 3. 4. Introduction and history of NLP The Communication Model Our sensory and internal representation system. Rapport in good communication -Eye accessing cues, matching, mirroring, pace & lead. 5. Building relationship -Association / dissociation, perceptual positions, reframing, state control and NLP presuppositions.

Neuro Linguistic Programming ( NLP )

Founder of NLP Richard Bandler & John Grinder in 70s , their study in why certain people produce excellence and then to create models to allow others people similar behavior model of excellence.
NLP - Neuro Linguistic Programming Neuro - how our mind think Linguistic - how we communicate (verbal / non-verbal languages) . Programming - Our pattern of behavior and emotion .

Neuro Linguistic Programming ( NLP )

NLP is an attitude- Richard Bandler It is an attitude , techniques and guiding principles ( NLP presuppositions ) about behaviors in real life. It is the model of excellence. It is not a scientific theory. It gives us choices to choose our behavior, emotional states and physical states by understanding how the mind works. It removes self-imposed limits.

Neuro Linguistic Programming ( NLP )

The 4 Pillars of NLP Rapport Sensory Acuity Behavior flexibility Well Formed Outcome

Unconscious communication
Conscious 7% -----------Unconscious Deep unconscious

93%

How do our brain communicate ?

Receive massages from external world 2 Million bits per second We can only deal with 7 + at one time

NLP Pre supposition : The Map is not the Territory

The Map is our internal mental world Everyone has their own perception of reality as their own mental map Words are not the things we describe, symbols are not the things we represent. Our map is our perception from our internal representation system We respond according to the perception of our world and NOT the reality map The Territory is the reality world Example : Little and the Police dog

Different perceptions ?

O = ..
An alphabet in English A number in mathematics A full stop in Chinese writing A note to complete in music A cake in baking A belief of the end and the beginning of life in Taoism

The communication system

Communication through sensory senses

eyes ears nose tongue touch

Visual=use eyes to see

Auditory=use ears to listen

Feeling=to touch and to feel the emotion

Preferred communication senses ? V.A.K.O.G.

Visual= to see internal representation

It looks pretty The vision is.. Color is bright Crystal clear Very attractive

Auditory=to hear internal representation

I heard someone said.. The song is pleasant They are so tuned in The music is full of rhythm The idea sounds great

Kinesthetic=to feel the internal representation

I am in control I have the gut feeling The words feel so cold Do not make such a fuss I feel a great relief

Auditory digital=to self talk as internal representation

Now I understand My decision is. I recall

This is logical
Think thoroughly

Storage of information through different language patterns

We simplify incoming information through 1. Deletion-we leave information out. 2. Distortion-we create meaning through concentration on some information and ignoring others. 3. Generalization-we make broad or universal claims on the basis of limited evidence.

Storage of information in our mental map external messages = internal representation ?

Trigger and response

A = Activated event B = Belief and mental map C = Behavioral consequence A+B=C

INTERNAL PROCESSING
1.Internal filters: Beliefs & Values Memories & experiences Attitude

2.Language: Deletion Distortion Generalization 3.Internal Representation: Visualstored as pictures Auditorystored as noises Kinestheticstored as feelings

State ( Emotion )+physiology External Behavior

Elements of communication

Words Voice & tonality Body language

7% 38% 55%

NLP Pre supposition

Communication is the response you get .

A good relationship starts with good rapport.

Steps to good communications

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Identify internal representation system. Language pattern. Calibration Rapport-matching, mirroring, pace & lead. Relationship building-association, dissociation, perceptual positions, reframing, state control, and NLP pre suppositions .

Rapport
Rapport An ability to create a feeling of deep similarity and connection with another person. Outcome You feel as though you are on the same wave length. When you talk to another person , she/he would feel a sense of understanding and comfort coming from you.

CALIBRATION

+
Look , listen, & feel

Sensory system & Eye accessing cues

Knowing how a person is communicating is very useful if you want to get on the same wave length . To determine which representation system of someone is using at a particular time , plus that persons language pattern and eye accessing cues is the key. Research : There is a link between our thinking process and eye movement. These patterns provide us with cues to a persons thinking strategy.

Sensory system & Eye accessing cues

1. NLP theory holds that at any particular time involuntary eye movements indicate which of the sensory systems is being used. 2. A person's eye movements will reveal if they are running a video picture in their "mind's eye" (Visual), listening to an internal audio tape (Auditory), or concentrating on their feelings (Kinaesthetic). The olfactory/gustatory senses are habitually associated with the kinaesthetic.

Visual preference
R
Visual construct

L
Visual recall

Auditory preference
R L

Construct hearing

Recall hearing

Kinesthetic & self talk preferences

R L

Feeling

Auditory internal

We like people who are like us !

Matching and mirroring Rapport by becoming like the other person at a deep unconscious level. How to match Words that stand out. Posture and body gesture. Head tilt and breathing . Perception and thinking .

We like people who are like us !

Pace , then lead Matching other persons perception. Establish strong rapport. Gently lead her towards your thinking. Gradually change you speed of talking & shifting your position. When she follows, she is changing her emotional state.

Good communication starts with tapping into others mental map

Matching

Matching in thinking

Matching in mannerism

Matching in hobby and appearance

Matching in voice and tonality

Mirroring

Mirroring of body gestures

Pace , then..... lead !

Exercise

One minute instant rapport

Good rapport continues with good relationship

Perceptual positions
Changing mental position in your thinking : Balance between association & dissociation . Look at events form different angles.
Uses Throw light on what others are thinking . See the effect from our communication and behavior have on others. Have new perception and learning , when looking at something from a different view. View with wider angle and therefore see more choices.

PERCEPTUAL POSITIONS
Outcome Empathy Respect others map. Share the common goal. Team building Conflict resolution Win-win negotiation

Associated
In others shoes . Feel others feelings. Release empathy and tolerance.

Dissociated
Be the fly on the wall. See from an far angle. Generate new awareness.

Dissociated -Meta position

Be an observer . From different perspectives See the whole picture. Share the common goal.

Step into perceptual positions to generate new thinking

YOU

The other

The observer

Empathy : Be in a perceptual position

Reframing
Reframing It puts a frame around your thinking . It changes the meaning (+/-) about something which causes a change in perception and attitude, and so opens up new possibilities. e.g. lack of confidence in the management. Context Shift negative emotion with changing frame , with time and through colors etc. Content Change your state with the change in content.

Reframing
Change the frame & release your emotion

Context reframe

Reframe in color , in energy, in time

Reframing Change your internal frame, change your state

Content reframe

Dealing with emotion of others

Listening

Changing our state

E M B A

- ( emotion ) - ( mind ) - ( behavior ) - ( action )

How to control our state ( emotion )

State is the moods and feelings experienced at one time . It is affected by the way we hold our body and what is going on inside our head. Outcome : change our state, the world outside will appear to change too. Method/Demo 1.Change of our thinking e.g. when go for an interview. 2.Change of our physiology e.g. when feeling depressed.

Congruency of the self

Emotion

Thinking

Behavior

Be at cause and take responsibilities for your behavior !

NLP Pre suppositions

These are useful assumptions in providing a "deep structure" by which NLP may be understood and are useful in effecting the change within ourselves (thinking) and externally (behavior) . In NLP, they are the road map in our life journey.

NLP Pre supposition

Respect others map

NLP Pre supposition

The one who has the most flexibilities is always in control
Take a step back and see a bigger view. Create new perspectives and therefore more flexibilities and choices. .

NLP Pre supposition

If someone can it , we can do it too.

Model of excellence from the success

NLP Pre supposition

There is no failure, only feedback.

Failure is an attitude, not an outcome.

NLP Pre supposition

We have all the resources we need.

Use our brain power.

Which role in your life would you take ?

Be the driver , always in control of your journey!

Be the passenger, controlled always by others in your journey ?

Modeling of excellence
Thomas Edison
The thinking pattern and the state of creativity.

When you change your thinking, you change your life When you change your thinking, you change your beliefs, When you change your beliefs, you change your expectations, When you change your expectations, you change your attitude, When you change your attitude, you change your behaviors, When you change your behaviors, you change performance, When you change your performance, you change your life.