ASSERTIVENESS

TO ASSERT --
Assertiveness is the direct
and honest communication
of your opinions, feelings,
needs, and rights in a way
that does not violate the
personal rights of others.
Three types of individual behavior
1. Non-assertive behavior: The act of withdrawing from
a situation. This is a passive approach to a situation
(life), resulting in:

• Afraid to express one's feelings/opinions

• Allowing others to choose for you by not letting others
know what he or she wants.
• Avoids looking at people
• Shows little or no expression
• Isolates self from groups
• Agrees with others, despite feelings
• Values self less than others
• Hurts self to avoid hurting others
• Guilt, anger
Disadvantage:-
This shows a lack of respect for your own needs and
can lead to feelings of hurt, anxiety and anger. Person
does not reach goals and may not know goals.
2. Aggressive behavior: The act of over reacting emotionally to
a situation. Aggression can also take the form of a lie or a
misrepresentation of the facts. This is a self-enhancing
approach to a situation (life) resulting in:
 "Put down" feelings on the receiver's part
 Not allowing others to choose for themselves, but choosing
for them
 Hostility, defensiveness on the aggressor's part and hurt,
humiliation on the receiver's part
 Interrupts and 'talks over' others
 Speaks loudly
 Glares and stares at others
 Controls groups
 Only considers own feelings, and/or demands of others
 Values self more than others
 Hurts others to avoid being hurt
Disadvantage:-
 Aggressiveness creates the impression of disrespect for
the other person. In effect, you are getting your own
way, no matter what other people think.  This, in turn,
can lead to people having less respect for you.
 When to use Assertiveness
• To express negative feelings about other
people and their behaviors without using
abusive language.

•To exercise and express your strengths

•To easily recognize and compliment other

people’s achievements

• To comfortably start and carry on a

conversation with others.

• To ask for assistance when you need it .

When to use ASSERTIVENESS
 To have the confidence to ask for what is
rightfully yours

 To accept criticism without being defensive.

 To feel comfortable accepting compliments

 TO be able to stand up for your rights.

 To able to refuse unreasonable requests from

friends, family, or co-workers.

A “yes” response to the statements indicates an assertive

approach.
3. Assertive behavior: The act of declaring that this is what I
am, what I think and feel, and what I want.
Open, direct self-expression of your thoughts and feelings.
 Allowing others to choose for themselves.

 Mutual satisfaction at achieving a desired goal.

Examples of assertive behavior:-

 Speaks openly

 Uses a conversational tone

 Makes good eye contact

 Participates in groups

 Values self equal to others

 Speaks to the point

 Tries to hurt no one (including self)
 Keeping a Balance

Need of others

Our Need

Passive Assertive Aggressive

 Need for Assertiveness
 Voice 38%
 What is said 7%
 Body Language
55%
 Assertive “Persuasion”

• Relax (as far as possible) Acknowledge Feelings

• Have your information ready Make positive

statements
• Be sure of your facts
Listen & Question
• Calmly state your feelings
• Keep to the point
• Acknowledge the other persons point of view
• Encourage joint solutions where possible
• Go for “Win – Win”
• Summarise the Situation.
Tips to behave assertively
 Speak up when you have an idea or opinion.
 Stand up for your opinions and stick to them.
 Refuse requests if they are unreasonable. Explain why you
are refusing but don’t be overly apologetic.
 Accept both compliments and feedback.
 Respect others' opinions when in a conversation
 Be diplomatic.
 Focus on specific behavior and facts instead of opinions or
personal remarks .
 Focus on "I" not "You" language
 Listen and let people know you have heard what they said.
Ask questions for clarification.
 Recognize the other person's situation or feelings
 Six techniques for assertive communication

 Behavior Rehearsal
 Repeated Assertion (the 'broken record')
 Fogging
 Negative enquiry
 Workable compromise
 Maintain a daily diary & note down situations where
you used assertiveness & situations where you were
aggressive or passive.
Types Of Assertiveness

• Basic Assertion (I am upset, I am not well,

not feeling good).

• Empathetic Assertion (I understand, you

find this situation frustrating. Even I am
upset about the whole matter)

• Escalating Assertion (Mentioning some

action that can be taken)

• I-language assertion (Description of

other’s behavior, how it affects you and
what you want to do)
 Self assertion
 I am honest and direct about my thoughts and feelings.
 I speak up and share my views if I disagree with others'
opinions.
 I am confident about my opinions and decisions.
 I am able to accept that someone else may have a better idea
or solution to a problem than I do.
 I can accept positive criticism and suggestions.
 I ask for help when I need it.
 I am able to turn down requests that seem unreasonable or
unfair.
 I directly address things that bother me.
 I speak confidently about things that matter a lot to me.
 I consider my needs as important as others.
Assertive Behaviour
 You lend a friend one of your books. She returns it with
pages missing.
 Your friend always asks to borrow a few dollars when you
go out, but he never repays you. You begin to resent that
he does this all the time.
 A relative calls you late at night just to talk. You are tired
and have to get up early in the morning.
 Your doctor prescribes a medicine but doesn't tell you
what it is for or if there are any side effects.
 You are eating lunch and the person next to you smokes
throughout the meal; this really bothers you.
 A work colleague is standing at your desk gossiping & is
holding you up from finishing an important project
 Someone in the van you are riding in decides to
sing and does so for 15 minutes. It begins to get on
your nerves and you politely ask her to stop, but
she doesn't.
 The new shoes you bought three weeks ago are
already starting to fall apart. You take them back
to the store where you bought them.
 You bring your car to a garage for service. You
ask the mechanic to call and let you know how
much it will cost before doing the work. He doesn't
call and when you call him he tells you he has
already done the work and your bill is Rs2000.
 You are being interviewed for a job in a
new field and the director asks, "Why
should I hire you when you have no
experience?“
 Cousin Jessie, with whom you prefer not to
spend much time, is on the phone. She says
that she is planning to spend the next three
weeks with you.
 One of your children has come in late
consistently for the last 3 or 4 days.
 Someone at work is making inappropriate jokes at
your expense.
 You are meeting a co-worker for the first time
outside of work. They show up 20 minutes late.
 You have a friend who is consistently 15 to 20
minutes late when meeting you.
 An overly critical relative that you see regularly
tends to throw veiled insults at you, always
pointing out what she believes are your
shortcomings.
 You are working on a group assignment with three other
students.  You have put a lot of time into it, and have almost
completed your designated section. However, the other
members of the group do not appear to be pulling their
weight. In fact, they seem to spend more time telling jokes
and making paper planes than doing actual work. You are
concerned that if they continue in this manner, they will
either not get it done by the due date, or do such a poor job of
it that it puts you all at risk of failing.

 You need to use the internet to do research for an essay

which is due tomorrow. The problem is that your son is
playing games on the computer. Each time you ask if you can
use the computer, he says, "I'm just about to beat this level,"
or he just grunts, or fails to respond at all. How could this
situation be handled assertively?

 For instance, if you have an assignment due tomorrow and

your friends ask you to go out with them tonight
 You go to dinner at your favorite restaurant. Your waiter
brings your food after a very long wait, and when it finally
arrives, it's cold.

 Someone cuts in front of you in a line.

 You haven't taken a vacation for a while, and have one planned
for next week. Your company gets a new project and they need
you. It's time sensitive and, of course, they want your help
during the two weeks you'll be on vacation.

 When you're in an argument, you tend to be most concerned

with

 You still have a lot of study to do for tomorrow's exam.  Your

housemate has finished all his exams and is having a party at
your place. Although you are fond of his musical tastes, the
volume is way too loud and is interfering with your
concentration.  Not only that, but his guests are trying to talk
over the music. What would be an assertive way to handle this
situation?
 ASSERTIVENESS
1. DOESN’T JUST
HAPPEN.
2. DOES NOT
GUARANTEE YOU
HAPPINESS OR FAIR
TREATMENT.
3. WILL NOT SOLVE
ALL YOUR
PROBLEMS
4. DOES NOT
GUARANTEEE YOU
WILL GET WHAT
YOU WANT.