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ATTRACTION,

INTIMACY, and LOVE


As social animals, we have an
intense need to belong, which
becomes a motivation to bond with
others in relationships that provide
ongoing, positive interactions.
Think of a person you think you are
in love with. (Yes, I am allowing
you to daydream a bit. )
ATTRACTION
Social Attraction
A feeling of interpersonal closeness based
on proximity, familiarity, physical
attractiveness, similarity, and self-
disclosure.
ATTRACTION
Predictive elements on types of people we are likely
to be attracted to and want to spend time with:

Reciprocity
ATTRACTION
Propinquity / Proximity
nearness
People are more likely to become attracted to
people they are near to.
Proximity in terms of functional distance-
how often peoples paths cross
Familiarity
The more often you see someone, the more
familiar he/she becomes, the more likely it is
that you may develop genuine liking/attraction
to that person.
ATTRACTION

When Im not near the one I love,


I love the one Im near.

-E.Y.Harburg
ATTRACTION
Physical Attractiveness: How important is
looking good?
Physical attractiveness is a major
determinant of interpersonal and sexual
attraction according to Hensley (1992).
In fact, physical appearance is the key factor
in consideration of partners for dates, sex,
and marriage.
Physical Attractiveness: How
important is looking good?
Is Beauty in the eye of the beholder?
Beauty may not be completely in the
eye of the beholder. Although
personal tastes may vary within and
across cultures, there are cultural
standards for physical attractiveness.
Who is beautiful?
Who is beautiful?
What is beautiful is also influenced
by gender..
Physical Attractiveness: How
important is looking good?
How do traits affect perceptions on
physical attractiveness
It is true that people are regarded as more
attractive when they are smiling. It may
indeed make sense to put on a happy face
when meeting people.
Physical Attractiveness: How
important is looking good?
What do you look for in a long-term,
meaningful relationship?
- Physical attractiveness won out when
students were asked to consider qualities
most important in a partner for sexual
relationship.
PhysicalAttractiveness:
Physical Attractiveness:
HowHow
important is
important
looking is looking good?
good?

What do you look for in a long-term,


meaningful relationship?
Survey of college students (men and
women) showed that psychological
characteristics such as warmth, fidelity,
honesty, and sensitivity were rated higher
importance than physical attractiveness as
desirable qualities in a prospective partner
for a meaningful, long-term relationship.
PhysicalAttractiveness:
Physical Attractiveness:
HowHow
important is
important
looking is looking good?
good?

What do you look for in a long-term,


meaningful relationship?
Overall, the study showed that men placed
greater emphasis on the physical
characteristics of their partners for both
types of relationships while women placed
more value on qualities such as warmth,
wit, and ambition.
PhysicalAttractiveness:
Physical Attractiveness:
HowHow
important is
important
looking is looking good?
good?

What do you look for in a long-term,


meaningful relationship?
Although personal qualities may assume
more prominent roles in determining
partner preferences, physical appeal
probably plays a filteringrole.
ATTRACTION
Similarity
The Matching Hypothesis: Who is Right
for you?
Similarity in Attitudes: Do Opposites
Attract?
The Matching Hypothesis: Who is
Right for you?
Matching hypothesis
Matching applies not only to physical
appeal. Our partners tend to be like us in
race, ethnicity, age, level of education, and
religion.
Similarity in Attitudes: Do Opposites
Attract?

People similar in background are more


likely to be similar in their attitudes.
Similarity in attitudes and tastes is a key
contributor to attraction, friendships,
and love relationships.
Likeness-begets-liking
Similarity in Attitudes: Do Opposites
Attract?
We also tend to assume that people we
find attractive share our attitudes.
Although similarity may be important in
determining initial attraction,
compatibility appears to be a stronger
predictor of maintaining an intimate
relationship.
Do these match the matching
hypothesis?
ATTRACTION
Reciprocity
Tendency to like a person who likes you.
ATTRACTION
Self-Disclosure
To share what is on our minds and in our
heart without fear of criticism or rejection.
ATTRACTION
ATTRACTION
LOVE
Triangular Theory of Love
(Robert Sternberg)

3 distinct components of love:


Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
INTIMACY
INTIMACY
A major component of any close or
romantic relationship

Involves feelings of emotional closeness


with another person and the desire to
share each others inmost thoughts and
feelings.
INTIMACY
In romantic relationships, it is the level
of commitment and positive affective,
cognitive, and physical closeness one
experiences with a partner in a reciprocal
relationship.
Physical closeness need not to be sexual.
INTIMACY
Defining features:
Openness, honesty, mutual self-disclosure,
caring, warmth, protecting, helping, being
devoted to each other, mutually attentive,
mutually committed, surrendering control,
becoming emotional
declarations of liking and loving each other,
as demonstrations of affection
INTIMACY
Intimacy and Self-Disclosure
One of the key characteristics of intimacy is
self-disclosure (telling personal information
about oneself to the other person)
(Derlega, 1984)
PASSION
Passion
Provides the motivational dimension for
love.
It propels the sexual energy felt in a love
relationship
COMMITMENT
Commitment
More conscious and cognitive dimension
of love
Decision to be in a relationship with
another person and to work through
problems that may arise, with the
intention of sharing a life with that
person.
True friendship

Triangular Theory of Love


without passion or
long-term
commitment.

Physical and
emotional
attraction without Long-term
commitment, as in committed
a summer friendship such as
romance. a marriage in
which the passion
has faded.

Passionate,
Commitment
obsessive love at
based on passionLove without
first sight without
but without time intimacy or
intimacy or
for intimacy to passion.
commitment.
develop; shallow
relationship such
as whirlwind
courtship.
Now, can you determine whether you are
in love, or just attracted to that person?
ATTRACTION
3 adult attachment styles according to
Hazan and Shaver (1987)
1. Secure attachment
2. Ambivalent attachment
3. Avoidant attachment
ATTRACTION
Secure attachment
Seen in individuals who are not defensive
with others and dont worry about
depending on others.
Dont seem to need constant reminders
that they are loved and valued.
They enjoy their own company and dont
mind being alone.
ATTRACTION
Ambivalent attachment
Less trusting and more likely to manifest
jealousy and possessiveness in the
relationship.
Require constant proofs that they are
someones one and only.
Do not appreciate meditative silence and
solitude
ATTRACTION

Jealousy common troubling emotion


among most people regardless of
attachment style.
- Involves fears and anxieties about
betrayal and deception.
ATTRACTION
Avoidant attachment
Not comfortable with intimacy and
closeness
Do not find relationships enjoyable
Likely to have brief, affectionless
encounters.
Contemporary Models of Love
Nonlove casual interaction or
acquaintances that do not involve any
elements of love.
Liking loving experience with intimacy but
no passion or commitment.
Infatuation passionate desire for another
person in the absence of both intimacy and
commitment
Contemporary Models of Love
Empty love characterized by commitment
but with no passion or intimacy.
Romantic love combination of passion and
intimacy but without commitment.
Companionate love derives from the
combination of intimacy and commitment
components of love.
Contemporary Models of Love
Fatuous love whirlwind romances in which
passion and commitment are present but
intimacy is not.
Consummate love full or complete
measure of love, involving the combination
of passion, intimacy, and commitment.
Maintaining it is often harder than achieving
it.
LOVE
The Chemistry of Love
The various stages of loving correspond with chemical
changes in the brain

cuddle
chemical
LOVE
1. Imprinting
Evolution, genetics, psychological
experiences, and even smells can
trigger romantic reaction to another
person.
LOVE
2. Attraction
Brain is revved up by phenylethylamine
(PEA) and possibly the neurochemicals
dopamine and norepinephrine, all
natural amphetamines that produce
feelings of euphoria and elation
This stage can last for two to three
years, then starts to wane
LOVE
3. Attachment
Larger amounts of endorphins
(chemically similar to morphine) flow
into the brain, leaving lovers with a
sense of security, peace, and calm.
LOVE
Cuddle Chemical
The brains pituitary gland secretes oxytocin
(the cuddle chemical), which stimulates
sensations during lovemaking and produces
feelings of relaxed satisfaction and
attachment.
LOVE
The Greek Heritage
Romantic love in Contemporary Western
Culture
Contemporary Models of Love
The Greek Heritage
The Greeks had four concepts related to
the modern meaning of Love:
1. Storge (STORE-gay)- loving attachment,
deep friendship, or nonsexual affection.
Emotion is the binding force (i.e. friends,
parents and children).
The Greek Heritage
The Greeks had four concepts related to
the modern meaning of Love:
2. Agape (AH-gah-pay) kind of love similar
to generosity and charity. Selfless love.
3. Philia (FEEL-yuh) friendship love based
on liking and respect rather than sexual
desire.
The Greek Heritage
The Greeks had four concepts related to
the modern meaning of Love:
4. Eros the kind of love that is closest in
meaning to the modern-day concept of
passion. Erotic love embraces sudden
passionate desire: love at first sight,
falling head over heels in love.
Romantic love in Contemporary
Western Culture
Romantic love occurs within a cultural
context in which the concept is idealized
(as presented in fairy tales).
Infatuation vs. True Love?
Infatuation a state of intense absorption
in or focus on another person usually
accompanied by sexual desire, elation,
physiological arousal and excitement.
Romantic love in Contemporary
Western Culture
Infatuation vs. True Love?
Infatuated people may become so absorbed
that they cannot sleep, work, or carry out
routine chores. Logic and reason are swept
aside.
Contemporary Models of Love
Love as appraisal of arousal Ellen
Berscheid and Elaine Hatfield
Styles of Love Clyde and Susan
Hendrick
Triangular theory of Love Robert
Sternberg
Contemporary Models of Love
Love as appraisal of arousal
Define romantic love in terms of a state of
intense physiological arousal and cognitive
appraisal of that arousal as love
May be experienced as a pounding heart,
sweaty palms, and butterflies in the
stomach when one is in the presence of, or
thinks about, ones love interest.
Contemporary Models of Love
Styles of Love Clyde and Susan Hendrick
There are 6 styles of love among college
students:
1. Romantic love (eros)
2. Game-playing love (ludus)
3. Friendship (storge, philia)
4. Logical love (pragma)
Contemporary Models of Love
5. Possessive, excited love (mania)
6. Selfless love (agape)
Contemporary Models of Love
Romantic Love
my partner fits my ideal.
my partner and I were attracted to one
another immediately.
Game-playing love
I get over love affairs pretty easily
Contemporary Models of Love
Friendship Love
the best love grows out of an enduring
friendship.
Logical love
I consider whether my partner will be
a good parent.
Contemporary Models of Love
Possessive, excited Love
when my partner ignores me, I get sick all
over.
Selfless love
my partners needs and wishes are
more important than my own.