Dating & Interpersonal

Relationships for Young

Adults on the Spectrum
Mary Riggs Cohen, Ph. D.
Director, Social Learning Disorders Program
University of Pennsylvania Department of
Psychiatry
Geena Mary Sankoorikal, BS
University of Pennsylvania Center for
Cognitive Neuroscience

Love is blind, and friendship

is just not noticing.
The only way to have a friend
is to be one.

Why ASD Adults Have Difficulty with

Relationships and Dating

They are
typically
social late
bloomers
They
are
typically
social
late bloomers
They have
lessless
socialsocial
experience
than their peers
They
have
experience
than thei
Many have negative early experiences (bullying) that
peers
they carry
with them
emotionally
Many
have
negative
early experiences
Many are distrustful
of neurotypicals
(with good
reason)
(bullying)
that they
carry with
them
They dont initiate social contact (fearing rejection)
emotionally
Why ASD Adults Have Difficulty with Relationships and Dating
They dont
to maintain
relationships
Many
arefollow-up
distrustful
of neurotypicals
(with
They reason)
spend to much time with special interests and
good
neglectdont
the relationship
They
initiate social contact (fearing
Relationships are complicated and confusing
rejection)
They dont follow-up to maintain
relationships

An ability to let go of the past

has gotten much easier as my
range of experiences has
grown. The more situations I
live through, the better able I
am to put them into
perspective and let those that
are inconsequential fall by the
wayside. The more I connect
with people-my family, friends,
coworkers, even strangers-the

Making and Keeping

Friends
Take the initiative to reach out to

Making and Keeping Friends

Take the initiative to

reachto
out introduce
to others(dont yourself)
wait to
others(dont
wait
introduce yourself)
Remember
facts and details about them
Remember facts and details about them so they know
so they know you are listening and care
you are listening and care about whats going on their life
about whats going on their life
Dont come on too strong, be casual, informal and
Dont come on too strong, be casual,
comfortable (small talk first)
informal and comfortable (small talk
Try to meet people with similar interests (art class, chess
first)
club, comic convention)
Try to meet people with similar interests
Plan activities around mutual interests
(art class, chess club, comic convention)
Be open to new experiences (try a new type of food,
Plan
activities
listen to
a new type ofaround
music) mutual interests
Be open to new experiences (try a new
type of food, listen to a new type of

Healthy

Characteristics
of
Characteristics
of Healthy Relationships
Relationships

Reciprocal, a balance of give

Reciprocal, a balance of give and take
and take
Based on trust, honesty
Based on trust, honesty
Freedom to be yourself
Freedom to be yourself
Flexibility
Flexibility
Mutual respect
Mutual respect
Tolerant of differences
Tolerant of differences
Supportive
Supportive
Fun and enhances experiences
Fun and enhances experiences

Dating Advice From Those on

the
Spectrum
*
Look past the outside (dont base your
interest on looks)
If you meet someone online, talk to
them on the phone before planning to
meet them (people can be much
different than they seem online)
Ask someone to go to a movie first and
then go to a restaurant afterward (less
talking at first and then you can talk
about the movie)
If you get nervous and cant think of
anything to say excuse yourself and take
*Information
from www.wrongplanet.net
a brief bathroom
break

Internet
Dating
Suggestions
Internet
Dating
Suggestions
Talk about your likes and dislikes in your personal
Talkinformation
about your
likes and
dislikes
in
(dont characterize
dislikes
as complaints)
Describe
your
personal
information
(dont
your physical
features such as
eye and hair color
Look for datingdislikes
sites with easy
and flat fee
characterize
asaccess
complaints)
structures
Describe
your physical features such as
Use a current photo that looks like you
eye
and hair color
When you contact someone dont lead in with a request
Look
for afor
date dating sites with easy access
Keep
and
flatyour
fee
structures
messages
short
Keep
track of yourphoto
contacts and
messages
Use
a current
that
looks like you
Dont discuss personal subjects or opinions in e-mails
When
you contact someone dont lead

in with a request for a date

Keep your messages short
Keep track of your contacts and

Internet Dating
Internet Dating Suggestions (Cont.)
Suggestions (Cont.)

Be sensitive to issues such as age and

Be sensitive to issues such as age and physical
physical appearance
appearance
After several messages, suggest talking
After several messages, suggest talking by phone
byfirst
phone
first and then meeting (this is
and then meeting (this is the natural next step).
the
natural next step)
Expect some rejection but dont take it personally
Expect some rejection but dont take it
When meeting someone go to a public place
personally
Take your cell phone and have a friend call you
When
meeting
go
to a public
during the
meeting someone
to check up on
you
place
Dont go to their place until you get to know them
Take
cellorphone
and have a friend
betteryour
(after two
three dates)
call you during the meeting to check up
on you
Dont go to their place until you get to

Dating Suggestions

Dating Suggestions

Plan the date ahead of time

Plan the date ahead of time (activity)
(activity)
Pick an activity that the other person is
Pick an activity that the other
interested in
person
is interested in
Avoid movies (shows) that are violent or overly
Avoid
sexual movies (shows) that are
violent
overly
sexualask about food
If you areor
going
to a restaurant
If
you are going to a restaurant ask
preferences

about
food
preferences
Keep the
first date
under four hours (even if
youre having
a gooddate
time) under four
Keep
the first
Ask questions about the other person to get to
hours (even if youre having a good
know them
time)
Ask questions about the other
person to get to know them

Dating
Suggestions
(Cont.)
Dating Suggestions (Cont.)
Listen to the other person and
Listen to the other person and show you are
show inyou
aresay
interested
interested
what they
(dont talk aboutin what
yourself
much)
theytoo
say
(dont talk about
Dont spend a lot of money (allow the other
yourself too much)
person
to pay
if he/she
Dont
spend
a offers)
lot of money (allow
Dont talk about personal topics on the first
the other person to pay if he/she
date
offers)
Relax and be yourself
Dont talk about personal topics on
the first date
Relax and be yourself

The
Biology
of
Attraction
*
The Biology of Attraction
Men

are
more
in
Men are
more
visuallyvisually
oriented in oriented
their initial attraction,
the sight
of an attractive
woman activates
the brain
s
their
initial
attraction,
the sight
of an
pleasure centers
attractive
woman activates the brain
Smell is an important element of initial attraction for
s
pleasure centers
women, the scent of a man can cause romantic feelings
Smell
is an important element of
You must have a face-to face encounter with someone
initial
attraction for women, the scent
to know if you are physically attracted to them (not just a
ofphoto)
a man can cause romantic feelings

must
havecauses
a face-to
You
Gazing
at someone
our brainface
to feel linked to
encounter
with
someone
to know
the other person
and emotionally
attuned
(usuallyif
before
kissing)
you
are physically attracted to them
Social
Intelligence,
Daniel Goleman (2007)
(not
just
a photo)
Gazing atfrom
someone
causes our brain
*Information
Social Intelligence,