Project:

Teens Independence

 Teen Independence
Independence for a teen partly means establishing identity and becoming
in all ways a separate individual. It may help parents to consider that this
is actually an important part of the work of being a teenager.
Independent Teen Choices
This means making for him- or herself a number of choices that were
previously made by parents. Such things as:

What to wear each day

When to get a haircut/visit a hair stylist
When to do homework
Whom to invite to ones birthday party
How to arrange ones possessions

Teen are usually determined for younger children. As they grow older, the
responsibility becomes shared, and as they grow older, the responsibility
usually passes completely into the teens sphere (if they havent earlier).
In some cases, the result may be that a teen switches from conforming to
his or her parents views to conforming to a friend or a group of friends.
Usually, this is just a stage in early adolescence, and teens move on to
become truly independent.

 Teen as Family Member

Teens also often want more say about family
matters. To put it in political terms, they want a
democracy in which they are a voting member,
rather than a dictatorship run by parents. They
want to have a voice in what they eat, where
they go on family days out or vacations, what
movie they want to watch as a family, what
music the family should listen to on car trips,
what kind of pet they should acquire, etc. They
may also want to have a voice in where the
family lives if there is a move in the offing, or
what kind of car, television, rug, family
finances, or pool the family purchases.
Teens may also want a voice in formulating the
rules. As they age, there are likely to be
changes in driving and car use rules, curfew
rules, bedtime, and responsibilities and chores.
Inviting teens to share in the decision-making
or at least give input may lead to better
cooperation and acquiescence.

 Teen Opinions and Values

Teens are at the age, also, when
they are developing independent
opinions and values, and may
seem to be (and in fact be)
argumentative as a result, as
they strive to assert their own
views and beliefs.
Teen Autonomy
Teens are more independent also
because parents are with them
less of the time and know less
about their activities, friends,
preferences, and experiences.
And they are more independent
because they are attaining new
responsibilities and may be
driving and working, and even
voting.

 Teen Rebellion

Although there is a popular notion that teens rebel and are fractious, emotional, and not pleasant to live
with, some studies show that teens and parents can have differences without it leading to problems in their
relationships. Apparently, one study found that 19-year-olds in college were as close to their parents as 4th
graders.
Some rebellion can be expected as teens naturally struggle for their independence. Teens will push
boundaries, argue for the sake of arguing, and compete with you in an ongoing battle for power. Finding the
balance between giving them too much freedom and being overprotective is one of the biggest obstacles to
overcome. However, it is healthy and natural for a teen to grow into an independent adult.
Next time your teen fights you over curfew or battles to make their own choices, have some perspective on
the situation. Although parenting a teen that fights for their independence may seem like a challenge,
consider the alternative. Imagine if your teen never wanted to leave the house and was content living under
your roof and under your instruction for life. This would not be appropriate or healthy. A teens desire to
become independent is an innate characteristic that assists them in growing into adulthood.
As teens struggle for their independence, there may be times when it is appropriate to give in. This doesnt
mean to give them free reign in every situation. However, you may want to pick your battles. Teens should
start exercising some control over many of their own choices. Therefore, ask yourself if the issue at hand
poses an immediate threat to your teen or their safety. Although you may not agree with all the choices your
teen makes, they should still be entitled to make decisions independently when it is feasible.
Teaching independence to your teen goes hand in hand with teaching responsibility. It may not be as
important for your teen to always make the right decisions as it is for them to learn accountability for the
decisions they make. Set up a system of rewards and consequences that correspond with the goals you have
for your teen. If they chose not to take out the trash, they learn that they cannot borrow the car. This allows
teens to exercise power to make their own choices, while learning accountability and growing into
independent adults.

 Becoming Independent
Becoming autonomous is a broader term which refers to
teens becoming independent of their parents (and
others) emotionally, in decision making, and in
developing their own principles and beliefs. We could
sum up autonomy by saying the teen feels, acts, and
thinks independently.
However, parents often take this to mean that their teen
must "separate" from them and give in to peer influence.
A more realistic, healthy, and developmentally
appropriate way to view autonomy is to see it as the
parent and the teen figuring out together a new
relationship which is based on the teen becoming more
mature. It means that teens still stay connected to their
parents (but in different ways) and allowing parents and
teens to learn to relate to each other in new ways.
It is true that peers have more influence on some issues
than parents as described in the section on social and
emotional changes. But, parents still have influence.
Laurence Steinberg, an expert in adolescent psychology,
describes it this way, "It is detachment from parents,
rather than attachment to peers, that is potentially
harmful."

 What Parents Can Do:

Discuss issues and ideas with your

teen. Encourage their thinking but
don't criticize ideas you may question.
Just say, "Tell me more about how you
came to that conclusion."
Model respect in your discussions with
teens. Modeling goes a long way in
encouraging respectful conversations
and behaviors.
Help teens seek out individual
strengths and talents.
Ask teens to take on added
responsibilities in the home based on
their strengths and talents. For
example, the teen who is good at
writing can put together a note for
grandparents or extended family.
Consider relaxing the rules as your
teen shows they are increasingly
responsible. An example might be a
later curfew on weekends.

 Adolescence

A group of teens
Adolescence is the time between being a child and full
adult, that is the period of time during which a person is
biologically (physically) adult but emotionally (feelings) not
at full maturity. The ages which are considered to be part of
adolescence vary by culture, but in the United States,
adolescence is usually considered to begin around ages 1113, and end around 17-21. In the English language,
adolescents (people going through adolescence) are
frequently called "teenagers" or "teens", which comes from
the end of the English words "thirteen" to "nineteen".
"Adolescence" is cultural and so does not refer to a fixed
time period. The word comes from the Latin verb
adolescere meaning "to grow up." During this time, a
person's body, emotions and academic standing change a
lot. When adolescence happens, in America, children
usually finish elementary school and enter secondary
education, such as middle school or high school.
During this period of life, most children go through the
physical stages of puberty, which often begin before a
person has reached the age of 13. Most cultures think of
people as becoming adults at various ages of the teenage
years. For example, Jewish tradition thinks that people are
adults at age 13, and this change is celebrated in the Bar
Mitzvah (for boys) and the Bat Mitzvah (for girls) ceremony.
Usually, there is a formal age of majority when adolescents
formally (under the law) become adults.