PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER

CHAPTER SEVEN

Perceptions: What the mind perceives

Perception is a filter system that hinders our

communication process.
Our minds work around perception. The mind
makes deductions that others will treat us as we
treat them.
When we are critical and judgmental of others, we
will think that they will the same thing when they
interact with us.
However, if we practice the habit of acceptance,
listening from the heart, admiration, and respect to
others, we conclude that people are also extending
to us.

We create for ourselves a world that is both

critical and hostile or one that is friendly
and supportive. Everytime we make critical
judgments of others, we create for
ourselves a moment of unpleasantness and
ugliness as we feel the effect of our own
judgments. The person we direct the
judgment might not be aware about it at all.
This is called self-defeating.

When we communicate we make reports of

our private perceptions. The feedback that we
get from others will tell us something about
our perceptions. These responses are
indicators that let us know how the
communication is going and how our
messages are being interpreted.
Listening to feedback of others will help us
modify what we are going to say, avoid any
misunderstanding or solve a
misunderstanding.

Nevertheless, we often ignore the feedback

that we get because:
We do not know how to handle conflict
We avoid trouble, thinking that avoidance
will provide a smooth ending.
We cannot handle criticism
We ignore feedback hoping that the
problem will be solved by its own.
We are not good in handling other peoples
problems.

First Impressions

First impressions influence listening skill.

When we meet people for the first time, we
retain our first experience as it fits our
frame of reference. In other words, our first
impression will rule what we listen to.

Once we make a decision about someone,

we will find a way to reinforce our
impression through the things we see and
listen.
We block other behaviors that dont support
our impressions because we believe it is the
best way to understand the person.
Nonetheless, if we practice listening at level
1, we counteract the tendency to follow our
first impression; thus, we reduce resistance
and build rapport.

Resistance

Resistance is a form of barrier. Words,

phrases and behaviors that we use build
resistance, influence people not to
cooperate or change their behavior, or fail
to be motivated.

If a speaker or listener has a wide range of responses

and behaviors, they might be able to control difficult
situation.
Whenever possible, choose words and phrases that
have the least negative impact on the receiver.
When pointing out negative behavior in others, its
important to keep their self-esteem intact.
The focus of communication should be centered on
the problem, rather than personalities.
Impressions are created based on what we say and
the word we use therefore it is crucial to think before
we say something.
Avoid rambling statements because it shows unclear
thinking and can make the listener impatient

Guidelines for Lessening Resistance

1. Ask for clarification or additional

information to support what the person said
instead of abruptly disapproving.
2. Find a point of agreement to build on,
rather than disagreeing. If you cant find it,
agree with feelings that the person is feeling.
3. Control your ego-building desire.
4. Use every opportunity to positively
reinforce the other persons behavior, ideas
or actions.

5. Keep in mind that people want positive

attention, understanding, clarity and
acceptance.
6. In order to influence listener, avoid using
threatening language, both verbal and
nonverbal.
7. Be aware of the beliefs, taboos,
background of the listener.
8. Build credibility through competence,
knowledgeable, dependable, energy and
drive.
9. Stay at level 1 and practice OK-OK attitude.

Reducing Resistance in Confrontation Situations: The I-Rational Versus You-Blam ing A pproach.

When we communicate, it is important to

know and let others know our limits and
expectations.
I-rational approach can decrease
resistance and increase the possibilities of
the listener to listen to us.
You-blaming approach builds resistance
and turns people off.

Change Process
Step 1: Nonawareness Unconscious of
ones behavior that results in effectiveness.
Step 2: Awareness Conscious of ones
behavior that results in ineffectiveness.
Step 3: Internalizing Consciously putting
into practice the new behavior or skill.
Step 4: Integrated Unconsciously applying
the new behavior or skill.

When you integrate news skills you tend to

have:

Resistance: Tendency to stay with what is

familiar
Being unsure: When applying new skills we tend
to feel phony.
Assimilation: Feeling less phony and becoming
comfortable with the new skill.
Transference: Applying behavior or skills
learned in one setting over to another setting.
Integration: Automatically and unconsciously
reproducing the new behavior or skill as a part
of you.

Prepare Others for Your Change

When you decide to change your behavior,

it is important to inform others.

Modify your behavior gradually so that

people around us will not feel threatened.

Share the behaviors that youve identified

which can interfere your listening skills.

The Accomplishments That Can Be Gained Through Empathetic Listening

May solve problems of other people.

Reduce tension.
Facilitates cooperation.
Promotes communication.
Develops an active mind.
Enhance self-concept.

The Listening System

1. Examine your own listening patterns:
Barriers and filters
Socialization process
2. Determine what areas you would like to improve
3. Improve your listening by remembering to:
Create a positive atmosphere.
Be interested in the other person
Be in an OK-Ok position
Have a spirit of cooperation
Be a sounding board
Remain neutral.
Facilitate the other person in problem solving.

4. Establish and maintain atmosphere and flow

of the conversation by using these listening
techniques:
Clarify meaning and understanding.
Check assumptions.
Restate the persons basic idea, emphasizing
facts.
Reflect the persons feelings.
Use noncommittal words and a positive tone
of voice.
Summarize major ideas and concepts.
Encourage others to talk about problems and
share ideas.

Questions
List 3 things you learned about perceptions.
What is one thing you learned about
resistance?
Name 3 things that are different between
the i-rational approach and the you-blaming
approach.