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BEING ASSERTIVE . . .

- May 15
th
2011

Program Objectives

Understand the philosophy/


concept of being assertive.

Recognize the differences


between being assertive, passive
and aggressive through
exploration of personal reactions
to given situations.

Participate in role-playing exercise


to practice the tenets of being
assertive.

Instill in participants the courage


to be assertive -- in the most
appropriate and effective way.

Definition of
Assertiveness
An honest, direct, and
appropriate expression of
one's feelings, thoughts,
and beliefs.

Test Your
Assertiveness (1 of 2)
4
Can you express negative feelings about
other people and their behaviors
without using abusive language?
4
Can you easily recognize and
compliment other peoples
achievements?
4
Do you have the confidence to ask for
what is rightfully yours?
4
Can you accept criticism without being
defensive?

Test Your
Assertiveness (2 of 2)
4
Do you feel comfortable accepting
compliments?
4
Are you able to stand up for your
rights?
4
Are you able to refuse unreasonable
requests from friends, family, or co-
workers?
A yes response to the
questions indicates an
assertive approach.

Why Being Assertive Is
Important? 4
Helps you become self-confident
4
Increases self-esteem
4
Gain respect of others
4
Improve communication skills
4
Improve decision-making ability
4
Assertiveness increases your ability to
reach these goals while maintaining
your rights and dignity.

Myths About
Assertiveness
4
Other peoples feelings and rights
are more important than yours.
4
You are not
important enough
to express your
feelings and rights.
4
You will offend other
people by being assertive.

You have the RIGHT TO
..
O
Judge your own behaviors , thoughts and
emotions and to take the responsibility for their
initiation and consequences upon yourself
O
Offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your
behavior.
O
Judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to
other people's problems.
O
Make mistakes -- and be responsible for them.
O
Say, "I don't know."
O
Be independent of the goodwill of others before
coping with them.
O
Say, "I don't understand."
O
Say, "I don't care."

Be aware that there are responsibilities attached to
all these rights!

Have You Ever
Felt
guilty about saying no?
that others regard you as a
pushover?
that its better to be well liked than
well respected?
that outbursts of anger are
appropriate?
that intimidation is the only way
you can get what you want?

Recognize Behavior
Aggressiveness
Passiveness
Assertiveness

Aggressivenes
s Is
=
Inappropriately expressing your
thoughts, feelings, and beliefs in
a way that violates other peoples
rights.
=
Achieving your goal by not
allowing others the freedom to
choose.
=
Completely disrespecting others
whether it be in an active or
passive method.

Are You Aggressive?
(1 of 2)

Do you become abusive,


whether it be verbal or
physical, when criticizing
others?

Do you purposely make others


feel like they are incompetent
or unimportant?

Do you make unreasonable


demands of other people?

Are You Aggressive?
(2 of 2)

Do you brag or exaggerate


your achievements?

Do you ignore the rights and


feelings of other people?

Do you aim to get your way


at all costs?

Do you often dominate


conversations with others?
A yes answer to any of the
questions may indicate
aggressive behavior.

Acting Passive Is
E
Acting in an indirect or passive
manner.
E
Permitting others to take
advantage of you by violating
your rights.
E
Thinking that you and your
needs are inferior to others and
their needs.

Are You Unassertive /
Passive? (1 of 2)

Do you feel guilty standing up


for your rights or expressing
your feelings?

Are you unable to recognize and


acknowledge your strengths?

Are you uncomfortable with


starting or carrying on a
conversation?

Do you rarely stand up for


yourself?

Are You Unassertive /
Passive? (2 of 2)

Do you have trouble saying no


to people?

Are you unable to ask other


people to perform reasonable
requests for you?

Do you feel that you let other


people take advantage of you?
A yes answer to any of the
questions may indicate
unassertive behavior.

What
Assertiveness Is
E
Respect for yourself and
others.
E
Honestly expressing your
thoughts, feelings, and
beliefs.
E
Effectively influencing,
listening, and negotiating
with others.

Anna is at a meeting where


the topic is the profitability of
the project shes been
working on for three months
straight. She has not said a
word in the past hour.
Suddenly she jumps up and
accuses the boss of
deliberately canceling the
project based on personal
dislike.
What Would You
Say?

The copier has been broken


for two days. Sam asked the
secretary to call in for repairs
several times with no effect.
He says nothing and ends up
calling it in himself. After all,
he thinks, shes probably too
busy typing up that memo he
gave her this morning.
What Would You
Say?

Bob is in line at the Pizza


counter waiting to be served.
His number is about to be called
next. Suddenly, a woman steps
in front of him and places her
order. Bob angrily complains
about the Pizza counter worker
and the woman, exclaims he will
never shop there again, tosses
his token and stalks off.
What Would You
Say?

Judys boss asks her to go on


an important business trip
which will carry over into the
weekend of her sisters
wedding. Judy feels she cant
refuse her boss and plans on
sending her spouse to the
wedding in her place.
What Would You Say?

What Did You
Say?
Q: Do you think that
these were
appropriate and
effective ways to
handle the
situations?
A: The answer is
probably no.
Reactions like these
usually cause more
problems than they
solve.

Nine Types Of Assertive
Response

Disagree in both a passive and


active manner depending on the
situation.

Let other people understand


more about you let them
share your thoughts and
experiences.

Always ask for answers when


you have questions regarding
any issues even when it is with
a person of authority.

Nine Types Of Assertive
Response

Be reasonable when you are in a


discussion with others without
letting them dominate the
interaction.

Always look directly into


the eyes of the person
you are talking to.

Say no to any requests


you are uncomfortable
with or feel is
unreasonable.

Nine Types Of Assertive
Response

Accept compliments graciously


without feeling embarrassed or the
need to depreciate yourself.

Insist on being treated


fairly and justly never let
others take advantage of
you.

Be friendly and sincere with


the people you would like to
know better; give them a
chance to get to know you.

Describe your feelings,
wants, needs and
intentions to other people.

Use terms like I want, I


feel, I need, and I
plan to.
Making Assertive
Statements

No is Not a Dirty
Word
If something makes you feel
uncomfortable or if you feel the
request is unreasonable, then it is
your prerogative to refuse.
Remember:

You are not saying no


to the whole person, but
only to part of the
relationship which
makes you feel
uncomfortable.

No does not require


an explanation.

Communicate Assertively /
Techniques

Empathetic
Assertion.

Negative Inquiry.

Self-Disclosure.

Workable
Compromise.

Broken
Record.

Fogging.

Free
Information.

Negative
Assertion.

BROKEN RECORD

Simply repeat what you want in a calm, collected manner,


offering no explanations or rationalization.
EXAMPLE:
Salesperson: If you buy this great encyclopedia, your
children will get
better grades.
Prospect: I understand, but Im not interested.
Salesperson: You dont understand or you would want to
buy it for your kidshow old are they?
Prospect: I understand, but Im not interested.
Salesperson: You mean you wont even answer one
question I ask you?
Prospect: I understand how you feel, but Im not
interested.
Salesperson: If you dont want to talk to me, Ill leave.

FOGGING

You agree only to whatever is true in the statement.

Fogging forces you to listen carefully, to respond to what


someone says rather than what he or she implies, and to
think in terms of probabilities rather than absolutes.
EXAMPLE:

Critic: I see you are dressed in your usual sloppy


manner.

Fogger: Thats right. I am dressed in my usual way.

Critic: Those pants! They look like you stole them from a
homeless person.

Fogger: They are a bit wrinkled, arent they?

Critic: And that shirt! Your taste must be all in your


mouth.

Fogger: True. I dont have a very good fashion sense.



NEGATIVE INQUIRY
Pay attention to what is being said and if it
does not make sense, gain better
understanding of the underlying issue by
questioning.
EXAMPLE:
Comment: Youre always tinkering with your car
(insinuates that there is something wrong or lazy about
working on your car in your free time.)
Negative Inquiry: I dont understand, what is it about me
working on my car that bothers you?
Actual Reason: Id prefer we visit friends this afternoon !

Time for a Role
Play
NEGATIVE ASSERTION

E
Remain calm, cool, courteous & collected.
E
Be aware of your facial expression and body
language.
E
Use a pleasant but firm voice when
communicating.
E
Always make eye contact.
E
Pay attention to what others are saying and let
them know that you are listening.
E
Be honest and direct about your feelings, needs,
beliefs.
E
Express yourself firmly and directly to specific
individuals.
Building on Assertiveness
Following these simple suggestions will present you as
someone who is confident & optimistic -- as opposed to
someone who is passive or hostile and angry.

E
Paraphrase what others have stated to you.
E
Always ask questions when clarification is
needed to avoid misunderstanding.
E
Be reasonable in your requests.
E
State your viewpoint without being hesitant or
apologetic.
E
Learn to say no to unreasonable expectations.
E
Look for ways to solve the problem so all parties
are satisfied.
E
Recognize and respect the rights of those
around you.
E
Use I statements to express self
Building on Assertiveness

Start Out
Small
Master what you can
manage comfortably
at first, then move up to
greater challenges.
Change is always gradual;
its not immediate, but
its not
impossible
either.

Reminde
r
Assertiveness =
Personal Authority
+ Confidence in Your
Skills
+ Choice of Response
+ Commitment to Goals


A
journey of
a
thousand
miles must
begin with
a single
step.
Chinese
Proverb
THANK YOU!

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