{1}{1}23.

976
{550}{607}I have always been my worst enemy
{639}{703}Oh, my god, you are so late
{718}{771}Hudson Milbank. God, you're so late.
{887}{940}Even on the most important day on my career
{1523}{1584}I felt overwhelmed, but in certainty of what I have
{1864}{1897}I wasn't the same person anymore
{1950}{2021}I was now living in some kind of horrific perpetual dream state
{2024}{2091}Yet somewhat still able to interact without anyone knowing
{2101}{2200}is going through emotions, unautomatic
{2212}{2248}I'm afraid I will never get out of this
{2794}{2820}My life views were simple
{2849}{2904}One, I just wanted to be a happy person with happy thoughts
{2907}{2999}Two, we were all a simple action away from complete disaster
{3609}{3650}you should slow down
{3674}{3709}But I didn't want to slow down
{3726}{3758}I just want to stop my recent thoughts
{3762}{3848}constant worry and never ending anxiety
{4507}{4583}Little did I know inhaling a harmless joint 12 times in 12 minutes
{4587}{4696}could unhinge already volnurable brain and send it into the bottom of abyss
{4801}{4877}Jesus Christ
{4860}{4878}Jesus
{4940}{4955}You just smoked too much
{4962}{4986}You'll be OK
{5088}{5149}From that point onward I would suffer from a symptom
{5152}{5177}so frightening that it would consume every minute
{5182}{5267}of every hour of every day
{5305}{5384}The official name was depersonalization
{5592}{5669}No matter what I did, it wouldn't go away
{6025}{6057}So what was it exactly?
{6095}{6219}Depersonaliztion disorder, in brief, involves the persistent or a current
experience of feeling detached
{6234}{6326}as if one was an outside observer of one's mental processes or body
{6469}{6547}The sense that the external world was unreal is strange
{6561}{6613}Like living in some hellish dream like state
{6621}{6708}In layman's terms, I was fucked
{6738}{6760}Can you hear that?
{6767}{6800}Yes, I did. Is that bad?
{6866}{6906}Put your arms to your side
{6944}{6984}Now touch your nose with your forefingers
{7106}{7154}Now you can open your eyes. You are fine
{7173}{7200}that's impossible
{7213}{7245}I never joke about the head, son.
{7260}{7306}My finger hit my nostril, did you catch that?
{7318}{7343}It was close enough
{7347}{7385}But what about the nothing's real part?
{7406}{7468}Perhaps you should see a psychiatrist, or something?
{7564}{7588}I also live substentially below my means
{7600}{7678}Not what I was cheap, I was just terrified that
{7679}{7751}things get so bad that I wouldn't be able to function

{7773}{7865}So I opened up my checkbook and found myself in the office of a westside

psychiatrist
{7867}{7958}who's specilaized in dealing with creative types on the verge of losing their
minds
{7969}{8020}Have you ever heard the word dysphoric?
{8049}{8111}I knew it, I somehow gone crazy
{8121}{8189}that's psychotic.
{8205}{8312}Dysphoric is when you just don't feel right in your own skin
{8378}{8417}wait a minute. Say that again
{8420}{8489}over the next week, I couldn't stop talking about that word
{8492}{8555}It means I don't feel comfortable in my own skin
{8664}{8711}Tom was my writing partner for 7 years
{8718}{8759}we complemented each other perfectly
{8790}{8824}he considered himself the writer of the team
{8837}{8863}i was just the hostler
{8878}{8935}even in my state, i could sell better that he could
{8948}{8974}so how is the attachment thing?
{8993}{9057}you could jam this fork into my eye socket right now and i wouldn't feel it
{9076}{9137}but you are gonna be ok for the p. next week?
{9177}{9208}I am suffering here
{9223}{9287}now, but this isn't important
{9295}{9331}what if i hadn't smoked the pot?
{9347}{9377}we have to sell something
{9387}{9427}I mean, i don't even touch drugs in high school
{9451}{9512}See, when we're in the room, you are always the guy
{9515}{9610}so, between now and then, i am gonna really need you to put down that
pork
{9615}{9671}i could have just taken one or two hits like a normal person
{9674}{9717}I smoked the whole thing
{9726}{9774}it's not the pot, i smoked the pot every day in my life
{9777}{9801}and i never stirred a cutlery
{9812}{9864}do you have a turkey burger?
{9968}{10055}Alright, alright
{10073}{10139}what about the shrink? Is he good?
{10146}{10186}He went to harvard
{10198}{10227}it's getting better now
{10240}{10264}it's great. What's he said?
{10319}{10380}he thinks it might be a good idea for my self-esteem
{10384}{10432}if we switched the order of our names on every other screenplay
{10435}{10496}he's an asshole, a Harvard asshole
{10675}{10744}Also I watched the golf channel for 23 hours yesterday
{10780}{10805}why golf?
{10824}{10847}i don't know. I find it comforting. It's green. People are whispering
{10923}{10975}so you are not getting out at all
{10991}{11080}look, i think this is something a little bit more than just being
uncomfortable in my own skin
{11090}{11162}what do i do? Tell me what to do
{11196}{11312}Hudson, it's important that you socialize
{11337}{11405}even if you have to force yourself
{12704}{12761}i read it on the pamphlet from the national mental association

{12765}{12870}that after 12 weeks of psycho therapies, if you are not better, seek
another therapist
{12881}{12921}i was on week 14 with Dr. Townsend
{12925}{12988}But we became more like friends. So i didn't mind
{13022}{13071}So the s, that's for Scott, right?
{13075}{13085}yes,
{13088}{13160}can i call you that? No.
{13177}{13238}one way to survive the endless time between therapy sessions
{13246}{13320}was to distract myself at the longest running movies ever made
{13359}{13401}these are due back Thursday
{13404}{13446}what if i watch them all tonight
{13467}{13530}ok
{13606}{13648}Dr. Townsend
{13750}{13821}Woh, I can't believe I bump into you. How are you?
{13840}{13871}fine
{13897}{13944}i was just at the video store
{14055}{14103}hey
{14224}{14382}well, i guess i will go home and wait for our next appoitment. It's
tomorrow, right?
{14400}{14416}fine
{14554}{14585}patient
{14658}{14724}the one thing that Townsend did give me was Climesipan
{14731}{14778}the directions read take as needed, which for me
{14782}{14835}was monday to friday and weekends
{14846}{14914}one blue pill was the equivalent to three domestic beers
{14929}{14991}two pills cut my feelings of hopelessness by a third
{15015}{15126}more was needed if you were, say, rejected by a shrink even trusted your
life to
{15130}{15193}I adore this sedation, but there is one drawback
{15222}{15267}sexual disfunction
{15280}{15346}it got so bad. The average sexual act did nothing for me
{15375}{15476}i had to find the most extreme 20 seconds of footage and played it over
and over until it did the trick
{15722}{15814}despite the restaruant, i decided to give Dr. Townsend another shot
{15819}{15936}after all, he was out with friends and that had nothing to do with this
dedication to me within our sessions
{16234}{16264}go on
{16281}{16349}i guess this is boring you
{16383}{16406}excuse me
{16409}{16467}you kind of fell asleep there
{16475}{16485}no
{16488}{16517}you were snoring
{16520}{16553}i was listening
{16562}{16617}because last night, i was in the bath, i figured out
{16620}{16755}that i already spent 2650 $ on sessions and i still feel crazier than i ever
did
{16758}{16780}so if you were snoring
{16784}{16869}i think you are making this bigger than it needs to be, Hudson
{16887}{16972}you'd also think those kind of prices if we ran into each other at the
restaruant
{16981}{17058}you could acknowledge me as something more than patient

{17059}{17121}perhaps we should talk about this

{17124}{17135}perhaps
{17139}{17172}obviously you are upset
{17190}{17263}i think i am a little upset because i rely on you
{17267}{17391}you are my touchstone to mental health and i think we have kind of bond
{17403}{17427}fuck me
{17455}{17515}intense exercise was my next course of action
{17578}{17713}i read that if you could raise your endorphins high enough they could
somehow alter your brain chemistry
{17778}{17828}i found a class packed with lesbians
{17844}{17911}not by choice, but still it was strangely comforting
{18358}{18422}after 30 minutes, i thought something might actually be happening
{18427}{18493}but it was wishful psychosemetic false alarm
{18509}{18573}my legs might as well have been attached to one of the lesbians
{18866}{18928}i didn't know where else to turn
{18938}{18978}i haven't been home for 5 years
{18990}{19110}maybe some family reconnection was what i needed to snap me back in
normal
{19202}{19250}what is this space in the sport
{19253}{19325}it's anxiety, that is all it is
{19513}{19554}oh my godness
{19593}{19641}sport?
{19658}{19727}I desperately wanted my dad's help
{19731}{19775}but he was the king of problematic thinking
{19779}{19844}i got the same kind of advise to all my worries
{19861}{19928}do you think it was the pot? I mean, why did i have to smoke so much
{19932}{20029}just pull up your socks, you will be ok
{20312}{20413}i thought of reaching out to my older brother Stain who i worshiped since i
was a kid
{20590}{20625}i am busy
{20628}{20681}can i at least get a glass of water before i ride back
{20685}{20750}i'm in the mid of a writing session, there is a gas station on the corner
{20957}{20973}sport?
{20981}{21007}I can't breathe
{21011}{21072}what is it? He says he can't breathe
{21092}{21180}for Godness's sake. Stop acting like a child
{21820}{21944}i think that's enought sport
{22118}{22242}re-connecting wasn't the answer. I had to get back to LA, somehow heal
by self
{22819}{22883}ok got to get you dressed, got a meeting in 30
{22962}{22986}what do you think, jeans and t-shirt today?
{22995}{23053}i'm dying here
{23056}{23106}alright, then i'll drive
{23130}{23170}i have to sleep
{23194}{23263}how about this shirt? Look at this
{23275}{23347}oh my god, kidding me?
{23358}{23388}i can't, i can't do this
{23392}{23471}of course you can. The shirt goes on top, watch this move
{23472}{23526}pants, big surprise to everyone, go on the bottom
{23529}{23611}right? We've got leg crossed, leg crossed the pant

{23615}{23689}where are the shoes? Got to have shoes. You know why? Cause we're
going outside
{23692}{23834}that's right, you are handsome man, i am gonna wait in the car, we got to
get this job, buddy
{24013}{24076}so how are you doing now
{24189}{24228}but that's better than in the car, right?
{24315}{24369}can't you just fight this until after the meeting?
{24372}{24409}no. I think i can manage it
{24412}{24431}ok, that's all i need
{24505}{24554}he's ready for you
{25250}{25283}sorry i am late
{25379}{25437}fuck
{25518}{25650}for some reason, just looking at her jolted me into a state of awareness
embanked the job at hand
{25653}{25803}so would you like the 50 m $ version or the 100 m $ version
{26079}{26128}that girl is an angel
{26143}{26183}what? Who?
{26202}{26252}the development girl
{26270}{26339}no, please god no
{26397}{26572}remember the last kid, the copy girl, the flower, the rain, obsessing of her
zeal
{26576}{26621}we didn't work for a year after that
{26622}{26676}well there is somehting different about this girl
{26756}{26784}alright, maybe there is
{26788}{26834}there is something very different about this girl
{26862}{27003}it's also something very different about the money coming in. Ok?
{28323}{28376}hello, is Hudson there?
{28461}{28533}yes, who is this?
{28537}{28582}Sara Harrison.
{28685}{28714}who?
{28751}{28842}i was in executive U&MI office today, sitting next to my boss
{28869}{28941}yes, hi, this is him.
{28965}{29133}i hope it's ok i'm calling. - yes, sure, of course
{29314}{29357}i was wondering if you want to get together
{29365}{29497}you and me? When?
{29695}{29792}just an ordinary everyday spoon, you've seen it a thousand times
{29806}{29875}just an ordinary piece of kitchen cutlery, see?
{30099}{30132}very impressive, where'd it go?
{30135}{30165}that's magic
{30269}{30314}that's a stupid trick, really.
{30341}{30415}you know, i've seen you before at a party a couple of weeks ago
{30423}{30491}you were sitting on a couch by youself and this dog came up to you
{30495}{30547}you fed it up with potato chip.
{30651}{30681}you looked really lonely
{30728}{30845}no, that's just the way that i appear when i am really enjoying myself
{30859}{30923}you seemed really anxious to leave.
{30943}{30964}I did?
{31007}{31088}there's so fucking noticeables about you
{31091}{31185}sorry, sweet.
{31189}{31232}i cuss when i get excited about things
{31243}{31262}that's ok

{31361}{31390}my god, she was so fantastic

{31404}{31498}and by dessert, things loosened up when she started talking about her last
relationship
{31501}{31633}so he took a gun out of his glove compartment and blew his brain out all
over his Porche
{31636}{31686}in front of his ex-wife
{31690}{31792}but she was obviously attraced to unstable guys which was perfect
{31860}{31910}what's your biggest fear?
{32016}{32056}i have two
{32060}{32142}the first is when i am spontenously insane
{32178}{32336}the second is something happening to my father
{32369}{32404}like him dying
{32449}{32507}i really wish we wouldn't say it
{32515}{32547}you are afraid of the word?
{32551}{32613}ya, for some reason i think the saying it might
{32616}{32645}make it happen
{32661}{32701}it won't
{32751}{32916}death, death, death, die, die, see, nothing
{32951}{33038}right, but you are saying it. And nothing's gonna happen when you're
saying
{33100}{33119}that's where my mind works
{33134}{33226}i figured it out the other day that life expectancy for male is 72 years
{33229}{33368}that's 25000 days and you sleep a third of that. So that's just 16000 days
{33373}{33498}say you spend half of that time trying to figure out what you want to do
with your life. That's another 8000 days
{33502}{33665}now i am 36, so that leaves me only 4311 days left if i don't get sick or hit
by a bus or something
{33703}{33751}you are an unusual person
{33808}{33876}my father is a physicist, he teaches stream theory
{33880}{33904}that's interesting
{34008}{34030}shall i come in?
{34051}{34091}oh, i would
{34386}{34405}what's the deal with him?
{34409}{34421}he likes me
{34425}{34445}really?
{34453}{34545}he leaves cds on my car...
{34710}{34754}people always look at the numbers changing
{34801}{34849}i think it's because they are nervous
{35317}{35334}so what'd you think
{35353}{35413}this sounds good
{35417}{35434}seriously
{35437}{35505}it's the worst playing of any musical instrumental i've ever heard
{35508}{35571}really, you should throw that thing into the fire place
{35772}{35831}where did you get all of this stuff?
{35866}{35887}what is that?
{35911}{35922}turtle
{35975}{36040}i broke its head off. I was watching the basketball video
{36044}{36197}my fucking teamd didn't win, so i threw remote control of the tv in it and
this
{36220}{36305}i can see that, you are insanely cute
{36373}{36415}you think i am cute

{36525}{36566}i kind of think i have a big head

{36607}{36642}well, at least you have a chin
{36661}{36771}look at this, straignt line from my chin to my neck, it's like a chineck
{36812}{36871}i think that one of my ears is bigger than the other
{36874}{36883}i don't see that
{36886}{36903}Liars go to hell
{36906}{36929}ya, i see that
{37032}{37069}you really have no chin
{37085}{37146}well, you kind of look like a lion
{37152}{37271}you kind of look like an owl, an owl without a chin
{37629}{37667}i have to go
{37752}{37767}where?
{37774}{37848}i have an appointment tomorrow
{37852}{37893}i have something i forgot
{38150}{38176}did i fuck this up?
{38179}{38251}i'm gonna call you, so be ready for that
{38935}{38961}you do kind of look like an owl
{39075}{39104}so you really like this girl?
{39879}{39903}how is that?
{39925}{39971}it was the worst unbowling i've ever seen in my entire life
{39974}{40041}i think you should take the ball and throw it into my fire place
{40170}{40240}over the next a few days, she was able to drag me outside during the day
{40244}{40324}luckily we did the things almost just comforting as the golf channel
{40342}{40418}nights were the worst for me, so i convinced her to stay in and watch the
extended version of
{40421}{40533}Lawrence of Arabia, Bridge on the River Kwai, and the right stuff which we
thought wise
{40555}{40585}she seemed perfectly fine
{40589}{40666}at this rate i could stay in my comfort zone indefinitely
{40735}{40772}i think we should go out tonight
{40881}{40980}i though we are going to watch the Star Wars Trilogy with the commentory
{41023}{41098}i know watching the Star Wars Trilogy with the commentory is fine
{41101}{41206}but i was thinking maybe we could do something different
{41354}{41429}so even though the Millennium Falcon was the oldest plane
{41432}{41485}it ended up saving home, though
{41525}{41559}ya, it did
{41737}{41784}i am thinking of getting a new car, by the way
{41789}{41804}really? Why?
{41815}{41912}i just don't want you to think i'd like driving something 10 years old
{41959}{42062}a lot of people in LA don't have insurance. So they don't care if they crash
in you
{42072}{42115}you don't have to impress me, Hudson
{42323}{42378}and i am looking at Homes
{42487}{42513}let's go there
{42780}{42833}you ok? Ya. You? Ya
{43357}{43398}it's impressive
{43488}{43512}i think you should give her $5
{43646}{43663}i only have a 20
{43667}{43701}i'll pay you back
{44018}{44061}you should wash your hands
{44187}{44252}i am gonna get some hand-sanitizers

{45093}{45139}what if there aren't locks and stores open twenty.

{45143}{45195}do you steal a lot?
{45247}{45272}what stealing? The pen
{45315}{45336}no, i paid for that
{45339}{45440}don't lie. Fucking hate that
{45444}{45474}why do you do it?
{45582}{45613}i don't know. Yeah, you do
{45843}{45949}maybe it gives me a sense of control.
{45991}{46011}i can't date somebody does that
{46015}{46058}it's only small stuff. Doesn't matter, it's not right
{46105}{46139}i know. Do you?
{46210}{46324}yes, and it will absolutely not happen again
{46328}{46366}you just saying that to get off the hook
{46935}{46979}you returned it?
{47003}{47030}like it never happened
{47132}{47170}thank you, Hudson
{47195}{47306}no, thank you. Stealing is bad, i don't want to be bad
{47530}{47615}you do realize that we haven't had sex, yeah?
{47674}{47730}yes, i am aware of that
{47881}{47931}will you take me back to your place?
{48062}{48112}mine?
{48332}{48356}it's kind of like a skii lodge
{48582}{48606}you rent this place
{48631}{48682}i do pay a monthly fee
{48729}{48763}what the fuck was that?
{48764}{48857}no, you are ok. It's just the family squarrel Steve
{48859}{48874}can i get you anything?
{48919}{48936}what you got?
{48999}{49019}i have pasta
{49044}{49110}i don't have any sause, but would you like me to make you some pasta?
{49179}{49233}that's really sweet, the way you just say it
{49249}{49364}so, how about some bottled water?
{49379}{49421}ok, here is the deal with that
{49424}{49470}i don't really keep the bottled water in the house cause i believe
{49474}{49593}there is the scam. See, tap water has undergo much stringent testing for
bacteria
{49597}{49628}tap's good
{49931}{50014}Hudson, what are you looking for in a relationship?
{50148}{50202}basically somebody you can stand it being with me, i guess
{50305}{50323}you?
{50453}{50569}i want to know that if my limbs fall off, we'd still be together no matter
what
{50654}{50715}and when he says my name, it sounds different in his mouth
{50750}{50807}you know you get safe there
{50931}{51049}or i put on perfume, he puts on Cologne, and we go out, we could smell
each other
{51119}{51174}he gives you smile when you are tired
{51205}{51246}that's a big one
{51384}{51460}and you tell them something
{51488}{51546}you are scared to tell them because you are afraid they are gonna make
them stop loving you,

{51550}{51663}but when you tell them, you are surprised because actually it makes them
love you more
{51798}{51916}or, you tell them that you love their shirt and they end up wearing it every
day
{51920}{52070}a greatest example. This is my grandparents
{52098}{52150}my grandma's already had arthratis in her hand
{52154}{52245}and she cant bend down and paint her toes
{52248}{52303}so my grandfather does it for her
{52339}{52373}all the time
{52436}{52504}even though he has arthratis in his hands too
{52638}{52691}so do you like the place?
{52783}{52817}i like you
{53699}{53785}what are you doing?
{53827}{53860}you can't sleep?
{53930}{53988}you want to turn on the tv?
{54263}{54341}how many girls could fall asleep to the greater heart for open
{54345}{54433}maybe a lot, but this was the first one i've ever met
{54644}{54736}i never want to see you back here, never again. You understand?
{54818}{54877}i couldn't hide my condition from her forever
{54880}{54957}if i had any chance with Sara, i had to speed up my recovery
{54961}{55027}so i went with another doctor specilized in a big word
{55030}{55102}(psychopharmacology) which meant fuck talking, take drugs
{55122}{55205}so Dr. Richmond, here is the thing
{55238}{55319}i have met and, i think, fall in love with this the most beautiful,
{55320}{55428}incredible, weird woman on the face of the planet
{55462}{55482}she's so pretty
{55486}{55550}she thinks she's a big head, but she doesn't
{55553}{55634}and last night, we consummated our relationship, which is to say
{55637}{55719}that i had sex. We had sex
{55782}{55857}and it should've felt really good
{55860}{55943}but i was so focused on..cing the pen i stole
{55946}{55989}which she saw me steal, but i told her i'd returned it
{55993}{56041}but i didn't return it. I just stole another pen
{56042}{56117}so all that was flying through my brain when i was supposed to.
{56121}{56212}so fucking, help, fuck, help
{56385}{56443}on a crowded elevator, do you stand at the back or the front?
{56475}{56490}what?
{56524}{56591}on a crowded elevator, do you step at the back or the front?
{56595}{56698}back. Front
{56781}{56936}although sometimes i found myself looking up at the numbers cause i get
nervous
{56967}{57008}do you have ever had voices coming from your television set?
{57012}{57104}that our part of the show? No.
{57200}{57277}i think we will begin with divalproic sodium
{57281}{57313}what's an divalproic sodium?
{57317}{57373}technically, an antipsychotic.
{57376}{57421}psychotic? I'm psychotic?
{57424}{57442}no
{57446}{57508}because i feel psychotic, sometimes
{57529}{57577}the fact you are asking the question proves that you are not
{57581}{57627}then why am i taking psychotic medication?

{57630}{57742}because in small doses, it can be quite helpful with mood which i think is
contributing to your problem
{57772}{57818}but i thought that's why i am on chlorazipan
{57845}{57887}somone from Harvard prescribed them?
{57899}{57924}yes,
{57952}{57968}idiots.
{57980}{58004}you stop that immediately.
{58007}{58068}is this gonna help with my depersonalization?
{58071}{58115}that's what we're gonna find out
{58134}{58160}well, what about the side effects?
{58163}{58209}nothing's to be concerned about
{58505}{58554}have you taken any anti-psychotic before?
{58557}{58586}no, i am not psychotic
{58589}{58619}i already asked if i am a psychotic
{58622}{58670}and apparently they've proven it that i am not psychotic
{58673}{58776}i'm taking it for depersonalization
{58821}{58858}are you awared of the side efffects?
{58862}{58917}i was told there is nothing to be concernted about
{58930}{59051}allergation, constipation, dry eyes, dry nose, dry mouth, difficulty in
urinating
{59132}{59174}nothing's to be concerned about
{59330}{59410}tardive dyskinesia. A permanent twitching of the facial muscles
{59492}{59514}fuck
{59517}{59543}my alternatives were slim
{59547}{59636}permanent spaciness or rare-inreversible facial twitching
{61372}{61390}where've you been?
{61435}{61451}what? Here
{61454}{61503}i've been calling you, and calling
{61537}{61568}what time is it?
{61593}{61621}it's almost 4
{61709}{61761}i fell asleep
{61807}{61844}i fell asleep in the bathroom
{62133}{62159}Hudson, what's going on?
{62251}{62273}nothing
{62349}{62384}Huston, tell me what's going on?
{62387}{62449}nothing.
{62454}{62490}i want to know
{62642}{62696}the technical term for it is depersonalization
{62700}{62786}but i cann't explain it to you what that is because you don't have it
{62789}{62838}can you please try?
{62977}{63063}it's like when i feel anxious, which is all the time
{63066}{63188}my relationship with the reality is all screwed up
{63309}{63413}i look at my hand, and it just doesn't feel
{63491}{63562}like now, i see your lips moving, and I hear you talking
{63565}{63618}but it just doesn't feel real to me
{63622}{63659}i don't feel real to you?
{63718}{63745}this all started with the pot
{63749}{63771}you think it's the pot?
{63775}{63830}no, i don't think pot can do that, baby.
{63876}{63968}yeah, i don't want to tell you because i didn't think you'd want to be with
me

{63972}{64007}have you seen anybody about this?

{64010}{64044}i've seem almost everybody about this
{64048}{64067}what did they say?
{64070}{64119}they give me pills, but i don't think i am taking the right ones
{64123}{64156}because they just make me feel worse
{64230}{64304}do you ever feel better?
{64319}{64353}4:45am
{64385}{64520}and for the next 20 minutes, the only time in this city's day when it is
completely deserted
{64548}{64604}i feel that we are the last people on earth
{64635}{64677}i wish it was like this all the time
{64739}{64781}you can't live like this
{64847}{64885}sometimes i wish i didn't
{65141}{65207}i don't think you understand what he's going through
{65244}{65274}i'm afraid for him
{65316}{65348}let me put your mind at ease
{65351}{65456}people who talk about killing themselves very rarely carried out
{65483}{65509}oh, really?
{65513}{65578}because i dated a guy who talked about it all the time
{65605}{65670}and then he blew his fucking brains out
{65713}{65807}Hudson, you don't mind, i'd like to speak to Sara alone for some minutes
{66365}{66431}what i'm interested in is why you're here.
{66513}{66545}because i care about him
{66549}{66574}why?
{66694}{66736}because he does stupid magic tricks
{66877}{66927}because he cant pick you and fall in love with
{67008}{67047}i would never let a girl go to my shrink
{67050}{67088}you should've seen her
{67091}{67162}she was amazing, she completely defended me. She really put them into
her place
{67166}{67205}she knows too much about you now
{67214}{67233}so?
{67258}{67305}now just a big concern that she'd use it againt me
{67309}{67345}for what?
{67369}{67393}like a control card
{67397}{67448}whenver she wants, boom, she's got that
{67472}{67515}no, Sara would never do that
{67659}{67733}you know what? Ok!
{67736}{67777}she sounds great
{67839}{67892}you want to get some more done for a few hours?
{67896}{67971}yeah, i can do that
{68004}{68059}after the first round of individual drug trouse failed
{68064}{68147}Dr. Richmond decided to bombard all my neural transmitters at once
{68151}{68252}so we combined...everything
{68382}{68463}it was like musical drugs on the Amusic stopped. I couldn't get a chance
{68481}{68514}I becamed numbed for labels
{68535}{68569}I just wanna a relief
{68592}{68634}good luck with this one, Hudson
{68638}{68670}Thanks, Ric.
{69267}{69308}we have to turn it off
{69349}{69394}so, one more tournament

{70153}{70190}How is your reality system now?

{70471}{70497}let's get married
{70644}{70669}you serious?
{70819}{70873}Hudson, marriage is a mother-fucker load of responsibility
{70876}{70891}i know
{70947}{70968}and a lot of work
{70971}{70986}i know
{71052}{71088}you are not ready to get married
{71092}{71120}yes, i am
{71158}{71236}and i want kids, you know, some day
{71265}{71307}you think you can do that?
{71311}{71343}yes. You don't?
{71347}{71387}i didn't say that, i just think that maybe
{71390}{71537}right now is not a good time to be talking about marriage when you're
going through this thing
{71540}{71628}you can say it, fucked up, stayed up either. Nobody seems to have a clue
when to do it
{71662}{71710}but i think you're gonna walk yourself through it
{71714}{71747}what if i don't?
{71798}{71822}you will
{71894}{71926}but, what if i dont?
{71971}{72033}what if this is what i'm gonna be for the rest of my life
{72037}{72067}but i don't think that's the case
{72070}{72151}you just need to stop being so...
{72154}{72173}what?
{72230}{72251}negative
{72255}{72276}negative?
{72280}{72299}yeah
{72351}{72438}negative. Well, i'm sorry if the rest of the world was born with perfect
brain synapsis
{72441}{72557}walking around la la land, and i can't tell this fucking flower is real
{72794}{72918}if you are just waiting around for me to get better, this is it
{72980}{73010}this is it
{73449}{73462}tom was right
{73466}{73532}In the best of words, all i could bring her was unending grief
{73535}{73625}and the need for constant reassurance that i wouldn't lose my mind
{73683}{73749}it would only be a matter of time before she couldn't take it any more
{73753}{73843}self sabatosh the best thing in my life?
{73895}{73934}of course, i would
{74191}{74203}ready?
{74413}{74444}what?
{74549}{74579}you told me you won't do this again
{74583}{74604}i didn't
{74608}{74625}stop it
{74628}{74652}stop what?
{74670}{74728}i know what you were trying to do, please dont.
{74732}{74770}what am i trying to do?
{74773}{74812}you promised
{74815}{74891}look, this is me. Alright, it's just me
{74895}{74952}you look like a shit
{74955}{74978}you wanna end this?

{75010}{75078}you think you are so irre-fucking-deemable?

{75114}{75136}then end it
{75165}{75219}come on, tell me it's over
{75251}{75303}but you have to say it
{75304}{77500}she didn't do anything. I did this, i fucked this up, me!
{77503}{77608}ok, just go and apologize
{77611}{77717}she deserves a normal person, not some clipped omenia freak
{77749}{77803}ask her to marry him
{77842}{77912}what you need now is a different kind of woman
{77916}{77964}why? So i can just play this shit out again
{78032}{78129}there she is, attractive, clearly a different woman
{78133}{78156}just go over and talk
{78210}{78234}i can't
{78250}{78274}look at me.
{78286}{78310}i am your best friend
{78518}{78603}just go and talk, no proposals. Do not mention the golf channel. Just talk
{78636}{78682}ok she's on the move, maybe your move now
{78728}{78738}do it!
{78742}{78774}she's going to the bathroom
{78777}{78830}perfect, go, go
{79473}{79493}you'r not gonna believe this
{79496}{79581}she's a doctor, she specializes in cognitive behaviorism
{79584}{79611}that's incredible
{79615}{79644}and she is hot
{79763}{79880}cognative behaviorism, the deal was you can change the way you felt by
altering your negative thinking
{79884}{79944}will it work? I hightly doubted it,
{79947}{79992}but my god, she was qualified
{79996}{80097}ten year professor at UCLA, a Master in psychology from stanford
{80101}{80217}another from Cambridge. Published book on anxiety, articles on precitigous
medical journals
{80220}{80254}exactly what i needed
{80258}{80388}when you say i hate myself for blowing it with the women in my dreams
{80392}{80450}that's an example of magnification
{80454}{80509}a better way to express your would-be
{80512}{80629}at the monent, I am disappointed that we are no longer together
{80633}{80672}but many relationships don't work out
{80676}{80782}what can i do to change my behavior next time
{80786}{80841}are you married?
{80873}{80941}now the area we will work on is labeling
{81013}{81104}right, but is there a Mr. Dr. Blain?
{81108}{81167}i don't think that is really important to your treatment
{81262}{81300}where are you from?
{81303}{81361}we are not here just to talk about me
{81365}{81494}Ok. But it's Texas, right?
{81561}{81630}Arkansas. OK?
{81654}{81755}unlike most therapists, who would never think of leaving the comfortable
offices,
{81758}{81817}Dr. Blain actually took her patients into the field
{81871}{81898}i can't

{81932}{82075}there is absolutely no connection between saying a word and the health of

your father
{82106}{82185}because it will lower your anxiety and help you get better
{82254}{82293}alright, give me a second
{82441}{82479}you can do this, Hudson
{82611}{82636}Death
{82750}{82834}it worked. He's ok, he's trimming the hedges
{82837}{82860}see?
{82919}{82973}has any patient ever asked you out before?
{83018}{83046}it happens
{83050}{83079}did you ever say yes?
{83082}{83126}no, never
{83130}{83178}how about dinner with me?
{83182}{83228}i don't think so
{83231}{83307}because we have a professional relationship?
{83310}{83339}exactly
{83342}{83408}what if i stop seeing you
{83412}{83468}i don't think that will be wise
{83472}{83563}right, but what's the rule on that kind of thing
{83583}{83722}you are very sweet, Hudson. But my only concern is that you get better
{83726}{83792}is that why you blushed back there?
{83929}{83979}as a way to recovery, Dr. Blain thought it a good idea
{83982}{84075}to email me cognitive exercises like practices etc sessions
{84079}{84173}first assigment, monitor my daily negative thoughts
{84869}{84966}Hudson, it's Dr. Blain. Are you busy?
{84969}{85071}no, i am just doing little cognitive homework
{85075}{85231}good, the reason i am calling is that i found a very interesing article on
cortisol levels
{85235}{85265}i think it may be of some help
{85269}{85334}you may want to take a look at it
{85355}{85373}really?
{85376}{85454}it's like i have it with me now
{85458}{85493}yes, absolutely
{85497}{85600}it explains how high cortisol levels increase the trenolyn
{85604}{85724}which could have a numb feeling of depersonalization
{85728}{85747}interesting
{85796}{85871}so i'll do some more reading over the weekend
{85875}{85916}hope it didn't make you drive too far
{85920}{85994}no, my shack is only about 5 minutes away
{85997}{86101}shack? I'm sure it's not a shack
{86194}{86305}my god, it is a shack
{86324}{86404}ya, it is the only place i feel even close to ok
{86485}{86541}almost like an sancturary
{86612}{86686}i am so sorry this is happening to you
{86690}{86721}thanks
{86724}{86749}it's not fair
{86752}{86781}thank you
{86843}{86916}and i did blush
{86953}{86994}i knew it
{87038}{87178}i just think theraputically it's important to bring it out in the open
{87182}{87312}i do find you very charming, attractive, and funny

{87316}{87445}but thing is they are. Nothing can even happen on that level
{87448}{87512}i'm sorry
{87619}{87649}the door...
{87652}{87735}thanks
{88157}{88171}bullshit
{88175}{88252}she said it's the first time she'd sex in 7 years
{88256}{88279}bullshit
{88283}{88342}it was like having a wounded animal on top of me
{88346}{88370}that is so wrong
{88374}{88420}what would i do?
{88423}{88465}isn't it obvious?
{88468}{88529}try to see her without having to pay
{88678}{88798}it is absolutely my fault. Inexcusable
{88801}{88997}i want you to know that i have spoken to a colleague to find someone to
take over your sessions
{89000}{89051}who can make me say death?
{89055}{89179}there is no other way here. I could lose my license
{89183}{89277}i can't see another therapist, it has to be you
{89280}{89391}Hudson, a terrible line has been crossed
{89394}{89526}can't we just forget about what happened?
{89679}{89760}you could do that?
{89764}{89862}yes.
{90064}{90102}the first time was exciting,
{90106}{90181}now having her ride all over me, i realized that i was letting her use me
{90184}{90256}so i could use her so she worked harder making me better
{90259}{90313}i'd become a cognitive whore
{91393}{91517}so, is it this prune juice then the death, is it the tread effect?
{91520}{91585}seriously you still banning the shrink?
{91588}{91626}i am afraid to break it off
{91630}{91740}she is doing over sexual research while canceling her appointments with
other patients
{91743}{91775}Woo, this has to get bad.
{91778}{91805}Hudson?
{91953}{92008}I think we should have some lunch
{92012}{92046}what do I do? Have lunch.
{92319}{92445}i thought it would be safer to say what i am about to say in public
{92448}{92547}obviously, somethings happened to my emotions
{92551}{92624}my behavior has been... fuck off!
{92673}{92724}unacceptable
{92727}{92769}that can happen
{92773}{92807}no, it cant
{92810}{92899}did you witness my tone with the waiter just then?
{92903}{92956}i did catch that
{92960}{93061}it has to stop, Hudson. Us, we, this.
{93064}{93107}i agree
{93111}{93225}i was up all night analyzing my actions, breeding myself
{93263}{93305}i go to sleep that way every night, so
{93309}{93359}thank you for saying that. Sure
{93391}{93456}i suppose i have spent some many years
{93460}{93524}listening to other people's feelings that
{93527}{93571}i've neglected my own

{93574}{93667}it's all coming out now here in the restaruant in front of all these people
{93720}{93815}which is something i have to deal with, and i will deal with
{93841}{93883}i feel so much better
{93928}{93968}god, even my hunger is back
{93972}{93995}the tuna looks good
{94091}{94209}it's not good, i love you, Hudson
{94212}{94234}what?
{94238}{94313}i love you
{94417}{94509}i am so sorry, i didn't mean to raise my voice that like
{94513}{94559}i though you were dealing with it
{94563}{94666}i am, it's just i cannot get you out of my mind
{94670}{94745}sure you can, look at me, i am a mess, you don't want that
{94748}{94797}i am flattered that you think have these feelings
{94800}{94848}no i don't think i have them
{94851}{94999}15 years of cognitive training i might just know a little something about
the feelings
{95096}{95201}god, what is wrong with me. I'am acting like an insame person.
{95205}{95239}will u forgive me? Yes
{95243}{95275}i think we should go.
{95278}{95303}sure
{95307}{95373}i will just ask one question
{95377}{95409}can we wait until we get out of the restaruant?
{95412}{95478}no, you need to know now
{95482}{95641}do you think under different circumstances you will feel the same way
about me?
{95645}{95729}i think you need to calm down
{95732}{95862}calm down? I think i know how i am
{95866}{95913}and i certainly know how you are
{96270}{96301}i love you!
{96467}{96489}run!
{96539}{96632}it just occured to me i haven't even met your family
{96635}{96666}so how'd it go with the therapist?
{96775}{96799}Mr. MilBenk? This is the office of professor Paula Simon, Mountainside
school of medicine.
{96883}{96907}We received your enquiry regarding your depersonalization study
{96952}{97097}A spot has become available. Please contact us at your convenience.
{97136}{97264}Dr. Paula Simon was the only doctor in North American researching
depersonalization specifically
{97267}{97365}but i was determined to get through the four day intensive no matter what
{97369}{97536}plus it would be a relief to finally meet depersonalized people as i was
beginning to think i was the only one
{97824}{97843}where are the others?
{97847}{97866}others?
{97869}{97933}other crazy test patients, like me
{97936}{97978}just you this weekend, sweetheart
{97981}{98082}i will draw your blood for every hour only hour for 72 hours
{98146}{98178}you're kidding
{98181}{98235}that's funny, everyone says that
{98249}{98290}You'll see Dr. Simon on Sunday
{98318}{98362}i am the most selfish person in the world
{98365}{98466}i blew the best thing that could happen to me because i was afraid

{98537}{98579}i'll see you in an hour

{98628}{98732}count backward from 2004 in groups of 7,
{98737}{98788}if you make mistake, begin again.
{98819}{98948}1997. 1990.
{98995}{99055}have any of you guys ever slept with a patient?
{99206}{99262}all my attension should have been at the tests at hand
{99265}{99338}but for the first time, i wasn't thinking of my condition at all
{99342}{99393}it was just Sara
{99610}{99708}you have depersonalization disorder
{99789}{99879}well, i know that. How do i get rid of it?
{99882}{99916}we don't know at this time
{99920}{99968}well, you have to, there is a great girl involved here
{99971}{100001}i've heard
{100005}{100034}what about the pot?
{100038}{100079}triggered was it all wierd there
{100083}{100126}it probably would have happened eventually
{100130}{100162}but not definitely
{100165}{100290}based on our current research, there was more than likely prerequisitory
position there
{100294}{100332}so what do i do?
{100336}{100357}there are medications
{100360}{100383}i've taken them all
{100387}{100401}and therapies
{100405}{100422}i've done them
{100426}{100504}then i suggest you try to accept it
{100507}{100563}you suggest i try to accept it
{100566}{100721}i do know of an excellent cognitive haviorist in UCLA who's been proven
helpful
{101563}{101674}4.2 feet cubic of space back here. You won't find that in a Mercedez's
{101678}{101709}i'll take it
{101713}{101733}very bright and airy
{101737}{101834}beautiful backyard stunning hearts with floors. A very pretty yard
{101838}{101874}i'll take it
{102179}{102213}Tim, where is she?
{102241}{102277}she's gone
{102281}{102302}what?
{102305}{102332}she left with some guy
{102335}{102381}where?
{103079}{103094}which airline?
{103219}{103243}Delta
{103538}{103562}you'll be towed
{104165}{104196}hold on just a second
{104291}{104328}Hudson, what are you doing here?
{104331}{104416}don't do this. This guy cant make you swear the way i can
{104419}{104456}go home
{104459}{104503}home to what?
{104507}{104550}you are the only one i can be self with
{104554}{104604}you are the only one i can be comfortable with
{104608}{104755}i bought you a new house, a new car, and i am getting a smaller tv
{104758}{104836}Hudson, it's not about house, or car, or tv
{104840}{104892}ok, how about this? I love you

{104951}{105004}don't say that

{105033}{105092}you can save me, but you won't even try
{105311}{105327}let's go
{107227}{107287}can we talk?
{107321}{107353}i'm busy
{107396}{107443}Our dad just died and you are doing business on the phone?
{107446}{107488}it's nothing, it's just my brother, go ahead
{107491}{107549}you won't get off the phone
{107629}{107672}what the hell is wrong with you?
{108192}{108291}Hudson, what are you doing?
{108294}{108315}nothing
{108397}{108443}what happened with you and brother?
{108446}{108473}doesn't matter
{108476}{108511}that's what he said
{108514}{108582}he wont be downstairs with the others
{108639}{108752}you stop that. Would you stop that?
{108794}{108820}god damn it
{108900}{108941}what is wrong with you?
{108945}{109005}why have you always been so angry at me?
{109009}{109038}are you kidding?
{109041}{109141}you know they say the first 3 years of a child's life is the most essential
{109145}{109247}i am just curious. Were you bouncing me on my head during that time?
{109251}{109308}i'd really love to know how i turned out this way
{109312}{109409}well, it wasn't easy for me either
{109413}{109508}Hudson, do you have any idea what a self boy you were?
{109512}{109575}i was a kid. Kids are supposed to be selfish
{109578}{109689}Ok, fine. I was a terrible mother. Is that what you want to hear?
{109693}{109750}yeah, that's what i want to hear
{110207}{110332}I always avoid children
{110335}{110512}I thought that you and I were the most alike
{110711}{110760}Well that's certainly true
{110806}{110914}maybe i wasn't as nurturing as i should have been
{111052}{111168}that must have been very hard for you to say
{111666}{111699}my theory was simple
{111703}{111746}the smoking marojana triggered my problem.
{111750}{111792}smoking even more would reverse it
{111796}{111860}shocking my synapsis back to normal
{111880}{111898}there's no science behind this
{111902}{111976}just gutsy feeling out of sheer desperation
{111980}{112052}was i scared? Absolutely
{112056}{112105}would it work? It had to
{113728}{113826}i needed a quick fix of mani. And snap me back in resemblance of reality
{113829}{113869}hell, i deserved it
{113872}{113936}and i knew just the remedy
{115335}{115369}what are you staring at?
{115607}{115670}better to keep a low key around here
{115777}{115829}so what did you do?
{115850}{115949}shoplifted a pair of Air Source
{115958}{115994}good shoes
{116092}{116150}what did you do?
{116154}{116225}nothing

{116228}{116314}and they don't like that

{116448}{116484}it's gonna be ok
{116488}{116533}no, it's not
{116537}{116574}i miss Sara
{116654}{116703}i don't think i can be a writer anymore
{116706}{116758}and i am completely alone
{116917}{116964}do i look familiar to you?
{117054}{117172}i have passed you and your dog outside the grocery store 100 times
{117195}{117283}100 times, and i never gave you anything
{117289}{117324}i know
{117401}{117488}look, i will wait here with you
{118353}{118402}Maybe Dr. Simon was right
{118405}{118471}Maybe I had a predisposition all long
{118475}{118547}the pot was the just an easy excuse to pin it on
{118550}{118615}maybe it was just me
{118627}{118659}i was my problem
{118693}{118723}maybe my dad had it right
{118749}{118819}just pull up my socks and get it out my own way
{119214}{119252}i am here to tell you i love you
{119256}{119372}even though i know you're gonna say "yes. So?" i still love you
{119463}{119478}ok
{119488}{119513}see u
{119599}{119667}Hudson, i think you are making a big mistake
{119671}{119786}we need to have a session to discuss you ending your sessions
{119789}{119843}this is your brain chemistry talking
{119846}{119904}there is new medication coming out all the time
{120467}{120492}this your first time?
{120541}{120570}i will wait with you
{120812}{120870}oh my god, you are so late
{120874}{120959}Hudson Milbenk. God, you are so late
{121538}{121559}sorry i'm late
{121563}{121603}no problem
{121634}{121684}we understand that you came by in the room
{121688}{121734}and my partner is very excited about that
{121738}{121814}so excited that we worked really hard for the last a couple of weeks
{121817}{121879}to come up with something great for you to hear today
{121904}{121929}well, that's not true
{121933}{121957}he's been working really work
{121960}{122052}so he's the writer. He's a really good writer
{122104}{122162}you know i think what i'm good at is bullshiting all of you guys
{122165}{122216}that's just not that enough for me to be good at anymore
{122220}{122266}so i'm gonna go
{122309}{122379}yeah, i'm gonna go. Tom will take this for you
{122382}{122421}i will put your name first
{124538}{124562}how are you?
{124565}{124607}i am good
{124658}{124690}how are you?
{124693}{124752}i am good. I am better
{124755}{124866}i am not gonna be normal
{124872}{124960}I'm still more comfortable at 4:45am at the corner of Insure and
Woodmen

{125065}{125091}look i don't want to hold you up

{125095}{125116}i just want you to know that
{125119}{125181}even if she lost all your limbs, we'd still be together forever
{125235}{125270}i mean i really hope that doesn't happen
{125273}{125396}because i think your limbs are pretty rein
{125438}{125527}and when i said your name, it would always sound safe
{125615}{125673}i am not sure about the perfume, the cologne thing
{125677}{125695}but i can try
{125698}{125738}you know, i can pick some up
{125812}{125877}i will try to make you smile when you are tired
{125880}{125914}i know you think that's really hard to do
{125917}{125983}but i think i could do that
{126083}{126171}and you'd never have to be scared to tell me anything
{126227}{126270}and if you like this shirt
{126274}{126322}i won't take it off for months
{126406}{126474}and i'd be more than willing to paint your grandmother's toe
{126477}{126540}so that your grandfather doesn't have to do it anymore
{126669}{126734}You don't have to save me, Sara
{126738}{126808}but i am gonna love you for the rest of my life
{126811}{126943}so things will be a lot better for me if you are around