What Makes a Family Anyway?

By Rebecca Slowik
Prof Bean Wrd 104/326

When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down happy. They told me I didnt understand the assignment, and I told them they didnt understand life. John Lennon

Gay couples are slowly gaining more rights as a group. They should be able to start a family and adopt children with the same legal right as a heterosexual couple would. The foster care system is too crowded and gay couples are untapped resources to lower the number of kids in the system. There are little known psychological factors in growing up in a house hold with two gay parents. Not allowing them to adopt is against their constitutional rights.

When you look at your typical American family what do you see? A mom, a dad, possibly a dog, or some kids even. When you picture this family are they happy? Now take a look at your family and the families of your friends. It may not fit that exact same picture there may be a stepparent or half sibling, they might even have a cat. Now this isnt the typical family that was just mentioned but does that make them any less happy? Now what if you saw a family with two mommies or two daddies would you judge them any differently, are they any less happy? When I see all these different types of families, I see them as a group of people that love and support each other, isnt that what a family is? And those are the only qualifications people should need to start a family. The Issue at hand is then, should homosexual couples have the write to jointly adopt and start their own family. Some states have already allowed this while others not so much. A couple in the United States should not be denied other opportunities to raise children since they cannot biologically. It should be treated the same as if a heterosexual couple who cant biologically have children were trying to adopt. They shouldnt be denied their freedoms because some people, mainly with religious motives, see it as wrong. With the media presence of gay couples and the it gets better campaign, this campaign is aimed at gay and lesbians youths that have been committing suicide because of their sexual orientation. The rights of gay couples are being challenged. For example on Ellen a lesbian talk show host, Neil Patrick Harris, a gay television start of How I Met Your Mother, introduces his new family including the twins him and his husband had though a surrogate. With these people who are in the spotlight doing thing that years before would have been thought of as terrible, is making other gay couple want what they have. And why shouldnt they have it. Religion is one main motive as to why people are against gays having the right to marry. Being sinful is wrong in the eyes of god, so they should not get married which leads to not being

able to have children. There are only 5 states who allow same-sex marriages, by allowing couples to get married would make the adoption process that, much easier for them. Some states have civil unions but have yet to allow marriage. How does marriage play a role in adoption, when gay couples do adopt they have one person being the primary parent in adoption, and once the adoption goes though the other person can join and be an adoptive parent. Since marriage is legally restricted to these couples it is harder for gay couples to adopt a child jointly. Like I said one parent will have to be the primary parent and the other parent will be added on later. This makes it harder because they are considered a single parent when going through the process, it is a more rigorous process than a married couple would go through when filing jointly for an adoption. The vast majority of gay couples end up adopting as a single parent, with the intention of adding on the other partner after the fact. This also makes it more expensive and a longer legal process. Some states as an attempt to limit gay couples rights to adopt, since the courts are finding it unconstitutional, are not allowing unmarried couples living together to adopt. This would then include the heterosexual couples but since they dont have any restrictions when it comes to marriage, this ultimately is a way to keep gays out if the adoption system. Making it harder for them to adopt if they wanted to, but how many gay couple really want to adopt. More than you would think according to census data a majority of gay couples have hope of one day being able to start a family and raise children. The numbers isnt quite as large as heterosexual couples, and it seems that lesbian couples more so than a gay male couples want to have children. So why should and why shouldnt we allow this to happen. Opponents of this idea have some religious motive behind why they dont want this to happen. Being a homosexual is a sin against god, and it is unnatural. But I dont want to waste

time with that argument and I have one very strong and simple counter argument for those people, its called the separation of church and state. This mean religious influence should not reflect the motives of certain laws. Nor should the government base the right of every human being based on anything other than that of to keep the country safe, not their own moral code. Is this always true in practice is an argument for a later date. We have more pertinent matters to discuss. We have a problem here in America, and Im not talking about prejudices we inflict based on our own belief system, although I will get to that eventually. The problem Im talking about doesnt directly influence most people so they tend to ignore it or push it to the side. Well let me me lay it out for you, our foster care system is flawed to say the least. An average of 500,000 kids are in our foster care system nationally, out of those kids 100,000 of them need to be adopted. 500,000 kids are spending some part of their life in a less than perfect system. Did you know Wyoming averages about a population of 500,000 according to the United States Census Bureau, that same census puts our state capitals population, Springfield, Illinois, at about an average of 100,000. So the amount of kids in the system can populate an entire state in and of itself. Out of the ones that need to be adopted, they could populate a mid-size city. That is double the amount of kids in the 80s. There are more children than parents willing to adopt, on average 20% of these children are adopted by a suitable parent. Overpopulation is not the only problem the system and the children that reside in it have. Did you know that the state of Arkansas must forego court ordered surveillance, due to its neglect of its foster care system. Children dont have stable homes, and an average child can live in up to 20 different homes by the time theirs 18. With all that instability can we really be shocked to find out they have psychological problems. They never have a home or experience

love or even stability for that matter. These are vital to the development of a childs psyche. Heres another shocker some of the these children can get mentally, physically, and yes sexually abused. According to the New York Times, in New Jersey 1 in 5 foster care children were victims of some sort of abuse. Are you okay with this? Children, innocent children thatall they want and need in the world is to be wanted by someone, and they werent. The system without a doubt needs to be fixed, but what if there was a way to get them out? Even if its just one or two kids. What if more people adopted these children? Maybe we should let single stable families adopt them, but that is now allowed due to the increase in foster care. What else could we do? How about letting gay couples adopt? Now wait how is that better? Heres something else to mull over before we get to much into adoption by homosexuals, an average of 20,000 children age out of the system each year. What does this mean? Simply put they turn 18 and they get booted off the island and into the real world. Just like that, they are put out in the world, and these children suffer serious mental health problems and homelessness and delinquency. Recently there has been some legislation to decrease the correlation of foster care and homelessness by helping these children when they finally do age out of the system. Is it enough though? Now you know the facts about this system, now I want you to imagine something. What if it was you? How about your children? Lets say you were in a terrible accident, a drunk driver crashed into your car as you were driving home from a date with your husband/wife. Neither of you survive, your children are at home with the babysitter who is letting them stay up past their bedtime. The foster care system fails to find a relative, which happens quite a bit and they have no choice but to send them into the system. Lets say you have two kids, the chances of them staying together is unlikely some we should take that off the table now. The real question is will

they be part of the 20% that get adopted or will they be part of the 20% that get abused? I bet you didnt catch that connection at first, that the rate of children that get adopted is the same as the rate of children likely to get abused in some way in the system. Now heres your options you can do something to increase the rate of adoption or you can roll the dice and hope that maybe your children can be part of the 60% that bounce around from place to place, with no support or stability in their lives. You dont like the odds now do you, because I dont. If homosexual parents were allowed to adopt, they still must go through the same steps a heterosexual couple must go through. This will not completely solve the problem but it wont hurt it. The question is are you going to let your prejudices get in the way of a childs opportunity to be loved. Would you rather they be abused and neglected than loved by people just because they dont fit societys mold. What if it was your kid, would you want them to experience love or neglect. Even if you cant picture it being your kid, picture the 100,000 children they do face these odds and see if they care. I know if it was me or my kids Id take the latter over the former. Now lets take the psychology of the child into question. This is indeed one of the most controversial issues in allowing gay couples to be able to start their own family. Can a child be raised in a gay household and still grow up without any psychological problems as a result of their unconventional family structure. Most research would say that child can be completely normal and there are no negative traits that go along with being raised in this type of environment. The only really distinctive trait these children seem to have is their outlook on gender roles. They dont see them as the stereotypical thing most kids in heterosexual families do, mainly because they either have two males or females filling the roles of both mother and father in the stereotypical sense of the word.

The people against gay couples say having this family set up will result in the children being made fun of by their peers. Asking why Timmy has two mommies, and calling him weird for it. Sadly this can happen and I wouldnt doubt if it did. Even if Timmy did have a mom and a dad I can pretty much guarantee that they would find something else to make fun of him for. Maybe hes not the fastest runner, or he got a new haircut, or maybe his peer found out he had a crush on Suzy. In my own personal experience that is what children do. Is it right, probably not, but they do it anyway and there is no stopping them. So whats the difference if Timmy is being made fun of for his hair cut or his two daddies, as long as he comes home to a loving and supportive household he can grow up to be a great man someday, his family structure makes no difference. Another view of the opponents is that the research of the psychological effects of the children is insufficient. The research is biased toward the LGBTQ community. They say that the sample groups are small and only include the middle class community. The research that was done would not be approved if it was on any other subject. They say the control groups arent adequate enough for the research in several of the studies. Well lets take an objective look at the group of people we are dealing with. It is hard to get an accurate sample not because researchers are trying to get the results that they want but because being gay is such a sensitive subject in our society. There are gay couples out there that may still be in the closest to the census bureau and even their community. They cant fully be out because their scared of what the community would think. There are scenarios where they may even being hiding it from some parts of their family. I have a friend who not only gay but her mother is as well and when the go to certain family parties and events they have to hide who they are to their core because of the bad stigma being gay has in our society. So yes the sample

groups may not be as accurate as some researchers would like. The research is however very creditable and accurate enough to see that there are no negative consequences in allowing these couples to adopt. When being gay becomes less of a stain on a persons reputation the research will become more and more prevalent and we will once and for all be able to see if it truly does make a difference across all creeds and social classes. But as of right now there is far more evidence showing that there is no psychological damage is done and until someone proves to me otherwise there should be no reason a child should be able to grow up healthy under a gay couples guidance. Love and stability are what I believe are needed to foster a great family. Family is what it is all about whether your gay straight or in between. Everyone should have the right to have a family, to raise children and having something far bigger any better than themselves. Children should have the right to be loved. Love does not discriminate it is pure, untouched by the status quos of society. The question is then why is this illegal or at least restricted in certain parts of America. We still have a separation of church and state, so why are our religious percussions getting in the way of something that could otherwise be legal. In other countries, like Canada for instance, allow gay couples the right to adopt. They havent found any psychological or whatever other reason the opponents will undoubtedly come up with, to ban such an act. What is stopping us from granting every citizen the right to adopt no matter their sexual orientation? Besides if they are crazy enough to want raise children though their teenage years, what right to we have to deny them that joy. What right do we have to deny a child to have a loving family instead of being stuck in the system? So I ask you, what makes a family anyway?

Bibliography Brodzinsky, David. Pertman, Adam. Adoption by Lesbians and Gay Men. New York: Oxford University Press, 2012. Print. This article has the history of gay adoption, and the children being raised by gay couples and the some research behind the psychology. How some families choose to adopt. Burns, Kate. At Issue: Gay and Lesbian Families. Farmington Hills: Greenhaven Press, 2005. Print. Research methods behind the gay family The question of morality v.s. how psychology may affect the child. The effects of the foster care system on children. Child Welfare; Mar/Apr2006, Vol. 85 Issue 2, p 317-340, 24p. Print Background on the foster care system and how it can effect children. "Census Bureau Homepage." Census Bureau Homepage. Web. 04 June 2012. <http://www.census.gov/>. Statistics about foster care children and gay households. Neil Patrick Harris Talks About His Twins. Youtube. YouTube, 25 Feb. 2011. Web. 16 Apr. 2012. <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6wtXYgSJQA> Clip of Neil Patrick Harris introducing his new family on national television.