When is Enough, Enough in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

Merelise Rouzer Georgia Institute of Technology

LCC 3412 Dr. Rebecca Burnett February 23, 2012

CONTENTS ABSTRACT...3 INTRODUCTION...4 WHAT IS AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?.....................................................4-5 THE PROFILE OF SOMEONE WHO IS AT RISK.6-7 DESCRIPTION OF SURVEY METHOD AND NUMERICAL ANALYSIS OF RESULTS...............................................................................................................................7-8 THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION..8-11 HOW TO FIND THE EXIT DOOR..11 DRAWING CONCLUSIONS...11-12 GLOSSARY OF TERMS...13 WORKS CITED...14

ABSTRACT In my research I wanted to focus on emotionally and mentally abusive relationships because there is already a vast sea of resources on physical abuse. Specifically, I wanted to discover why many people consider leaving an emotionally abusive relationship risky. In order to illuminate this risk, I wanted to find out if certain types of people are more likely to be in emotionally abusive relationships than others, and then study the thought process of people who are considering leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. My method for this portion of the research was to read previously recorded studies about abusive relationships, as well as conduct a survey of Georgia Tech students who know someone involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. I also examined testimonies of people who are or were in emotionally abusive relationships as documented in the book Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirschenbaum. Based on the surveys and testimonials, I developed a list of results of abusive relationships, as well as a list of risks that men and women associate with leaving a relationship, which led to conclusions about why some men and women do not think the harm of staying in a relationship is worth the risk of leaving. Finally, I researched treatments and affective ways to help people escape emotional abuse.

When is Enough, Enough in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?

When considering abuse in a relationship, there are for more resources available about physical abuse than about mental abuse. It was very difficult for me to find a single source devoted to purely emotional abuse issues in adult relationships. Why is this? Do people consider physical abuse more dangerous than mental abuse? While physical abuse may be a flashier topic that receives more media attention, mental abuse can be far more prevalent, particularly among college students on Georgia Techs campus, and just as worthy of attention. The choice to leave a long term mentally abusive relationship or marriage involves several very real risks and more often than not, people choose to stay because they have a seemingly inexplicable attachment to the relationship or because they are afraid of the unknown. What is an Emotionally Abusive Relationship? Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assaults. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation, and refusal to ever be pleased (http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/). That seems simple enough, but emotionally abusive relationships can be harder for the abused party to end because there is no line that can be crossed, as with physical abuse.

An emotionally abusive spouse can be like a hurricane, controlling and steamrolling everything in their partners life, making them feel powerless (Kirschenbaum, 1996). In Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, Dr. Kirschenbaums patients reported controlling behaviors related to sex, social activities, career choices, and much more. Many men and women end friendships with males and females alike because of a jealous spouse. Some people fear being apart from their spouse so greatly that they turn down career opportunities because it will take them away. A supportive spouse would not support these self-destructive behaviors but a mentally abusive spouse encourages and even requires them. The three main types of emotional abuse include aggressing, denying and minimizing. Aggressing forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening and ordering. This type of behavior is generally direct and obvious and includes a one-up or I know best tone. The best way to describe this relationship is similar to an abusive parent talking to a child. Denying behavior includes invalidating, which seeks to undermine the abused persons sense of reality. For example, when confronted with an instance of threatening, the abuser might claim, I never said that. Withholding, commonly known at the silent treatment, also falls under the denial category along with countering. Minimizing a spouses emotional experiences by saying things like, Oh, youre too sensitive or Youre exaggerating all suggest that the recipients emotions are not to be valued or trusted, which is also called trivializing (http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/).

The Profile of Someone Who is at Risk The demographics for this risk are almost limitless. The victims can be male or female, of any race, and can range in age from puberty until death. There are some factors that place females at higher risk for entering unhealthy relationships. In a study by Mullen et al. called The long-term impact of the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse of children: a community study, women who reported some form of abuse in childhood were in adult life more likely to have mental health, interpersonal, and sexual difficulties (Haatainen et al., 2003). Adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) have also been linked to adult hopelessness (Haatainen et al., 2003) and as we shall see later in the paper, hopeless is how many people in mentally abusive relationships describe their situation. While this risk does apply to both sexes, women are commonly at risk for mentally abusive relationships, according to a survey I conducted (Fig. 1).

Fig. 1: Males vs. Females Who Are the Abused Party in a Relationship
Male Response 3 Males vs. Females Who Are the Abused Party in a Relationship Female 57

20 40 Number of People Surveyed

60

From the survey "The Prevalence of Mentally Abusive Relationships"

Many people in a state of indecision about their relationship are defensive and angry when questioned about it. The shade things to their friends and family, meaning they exaggerate the bad things when they want sympathy, but play the bad things down when they dont want to talk about it (Kirschenbaum. 1996). Description of Survey Method & Numerical Analysis of Results I chose to survey the Georgia Tech student population because of the geographical proximity to my study, and because my sample was relatively young, there were fewer factors, such as a long history of unsuccessful relationships, that would convolute the results of the survey. For this portion of my research, I wanted to focus on why a person enters into their first mentally abusive relationship. Using the host server SurveyMonkey.com to collect my data, I created a short survey of ten questions that I distributed via email to Georgia Tech students. Due to the busy nature of college students, I made my survey short in hopes that I would be more likely to receive responses if the survey took little time to complete. The survey was titled The Prevalence of Mentally Abusive Relationships and the questions were formatted in a funnel approach, from broad to narrow, beginning with demographic questions about the respondent, such as gender and age. 100% of respondents were female and they ranged in age from 18-22 years old. The third question introduced the topic of research and asked respondents if they knew someone who was in, what they would consider, a mentally abusive relationship. 61% percent responded Yes to the question. Of those that responded yes to that question, an overwhelming 95% of respondents said the abused party

was female, not male (Fig.1). As I had hoped to find by using a young sample, the majority of people involved in an abusive relationship had never been in one before (Fig. 2). Interestingly, not a single respondent replied, Yes, physically abusive. This result can be misleading, because victims of childhood physical abuse often do not tell their adult friends about their childhood experiences out of embarrassment, fear, repression, etc. As well see later, it is likely that some of the people the respondents identify as being in an emotionally abusive relationship with no previous abuse actually did experience abuse earlier in life.

Fig. 2: Has the person being abused been in a previously abusive relationship?
Yes, mentally abusive. Yes, physically abusive. Yes, both physically and mentally abusive. No.

From the survey "The Prevalence of Mentally Abusive Relationships"

The Million-Dollar Question Why do people stay in emotionally abusive relationships? 140 million Americans are in relationships and 1/5 of them cant decide whether to leave or stay

(Kirschenbaum, 1996). Not all of these relationships are abusive, but all of the people involved in them are unhappy in some way. The problem I encountered is that many people who are in emotionally abusive relationships dont admit to the abuse. 83% of the respondents I surveyed confirmed this about people they know in abusive relationships, and even worse, 77% of the respondents said their friends dont want to leave the unhealthy relationship. To a person with a healthy self-image, this might seem ridiculous. Why would you want to stay in a relationship that clearly isnt good? Fig. 3 shows some of the answers that respondents in the survey reported hearing.

Fig. 3:Reasons for Staying in an Unhealthy Relationship

Perecentage of Total Answers 50% 45% 40% 35% 30% 25% 20% 15% 10% 5% 0%

30% 8% He loves me/I love him 17% 17% 8% Abuser apologizes 17% Attachment

There are Fear of Fear of being children retaliation alone involved Reasons for Not Leaving

From the survey "The Prevalence of Mentally Abusive Relationships"

All of the reasons reported by respondents to the survey were also voiced by people in Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. As you can see from the chart, love was the most common reason. In this category, the quotes about love included, no one will love me like he does, and its just the way I feel when Im with him. The 9

Fear of Retaliation category included statements such as, he makes her feel that she cant leave, he/she wants to avoid conflict, and she is scared of what will happen if she tries to leave. Fear of Being Alone represented statements like, it would be hard to alone, and it is easier to date him for now until she finds someone she likes better. The Attachment category contained some of the most interesting quotes. They included, its hard to think about life without the abusive person, their lives are too intertwined, I dont know why I like him but its just the way I feel when Im with him, and there is too much time invested (in the relationship). John Bowlbys attachment theory suggests that humans have an innate need to form bonds with other humans. The more an individuals attachment needs are met, the more emotionally healthy they will be (Walker et al., 2009). Although attachment was not the most common reason given in the survey, one could argue that love in the context of affection is a form of attachment. If you grouped the He loves me/I love him category and the Attachment category, you have close to 50% of the total responses from the survey, an overwhelming majority over the other options. A study by Walker et al. called Childhood Sexual Abuse, Other Childhood Factors, and Pathways to Survivors Adult Relationship Quality defined the two most important relationships in a persons life as the relationship between caregiver/parent and child, and between adult romantic partners. Based on the attachment theory, the study drew the conclusion that healthy relationships in childhood form healthy relationships in adulthood. However, if a person is abused as a child, they are more likely to form negative attachments in adulthood (Walker

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at al., 2009). One could conclude from this information that some people are predisposed to stay in unhealthy relationships because it is a learned behavior. How to Find the Exit Door Many women are looking for a clear-cut sign, a last straw moment, that tells them they should leave. They key to removing oneself from an emotionally abusive situation is understanding why you allowed yourself to be in it the first place, including your own self destructive patterns (Engel, 1990). This can be hard to do with only the help of friends and family because of their natural biases, and often times it is best to seek the help of a therapist. Specifically, Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT) has been shown to be affective in addressing attachment issues (Walker et al., 2009). Drawing Conclusions The fact that 85% of respondents in the survey Prevalence of Mentally Abusive Relationships reported that there was no fear of currently mentally abusive relationships becoming physically abusive, highlights the reality of this issue and sets it apart from physical abuse as a topic worthy of its own discussion. Women are more often than men involved in emotionally abusive relationships and face extreme challenges when trying to decide whether to leave or stay. Through conducting a survey as well as studying other research, it is clear that what women fear the most in an emotionally abusive relationship is not the abuse itself, but what will happen if they leave the relationship. There are abstract fears about being alone in the future and then there are real, concrete fears about repercussions such as losing friends and family, and physical retaliation. There is always the possibility

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that, through counseling, abusers can change; but sometimes the only thing left for the recipient to do is face the fear and leave, knowing that there is an established support system of experts, counselors, and survivors that will walk them through each challenging step.

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GLOSSARY OF KEY TERMS Aggressing: one of the three main forms of emotional abuse that is direct and obvious Attachment Theory: a theory developed by John Bowlby that proposes that humans have an innate need to form bonds with other humans. The more an individuals attachment needs are met, the more emotionally healthy they will be. Denying: one of the three main forms of abuse that involves withholding and invalidating behaviors. Emotional abuse: any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. Invalidating: an emotionally abusive behavior that seeks to distort or undermine the recipients sense of reality. Minimizing: an emotionally abusive behavior that questions the recipients emotional experience of reaction to an event. Trivializing: an emotionally abusive behavior that occurs when the abuser suggests that something the recipient has done or communicated is inconsequential or unimportant. Withholding: an emotionally abusive behavior that includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment.

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WORKS CITED Board of Trustees of the University of Illinois. (2007).Emotional abuse. Retrieved from http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/?page_id=168 Engel, B. (1990). The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself. New York: The Random House Publishing Group. Haatainen, K. M., Tanskanen, A., Kylm, J., Honkalampi, K., Koivumaa-Honkanen, H., Hintikka, J., . . . Viinamki, H. (2003). Gender differences in the association of adult hopelessness with adverse childhood experiences. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 38(1), 12-7. doi:10.1007/s00127-003-0598-3 Kirschenbaum, M. (1996). Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay. New York: The Penguin Group. Walker, E. C., Holman, T. B., & Busby, D. M. (2009). Childhood sexual abuse, other childhood factors, and pathways to survivors adult relationship quality. Journal of Family Violence, 24(6), 397-406. doi:10.1007/s10896009-9242-7

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