The Origin of Darwin By Ral Carpentier

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THE ORIGIN OF DARWIN SCENE I The voice of the secretary is performed by an actress backstage. At rise we see an office setting, with a man at his desk. SECRETARY (Voice coming over the intercom on the desk) Mr. Schweizer? MR. SCHWEIZER (Answers the intercom) Yes? SECRETARY Mr. Schweizer, Mr. Gingerham is on the phone and would like a conference. MR. SCHWEIZER No Marguerite, I dont need to talk to him. Ive already sent him an email explaining why his book was not a good fit for our publishing company. SECRETARY But Mr. Schweizer, he says hes put a lot of work into it. MR. SCHWEIZER I dont care if hes put a lot of work into it, were not publishing a book that describes and illustrates graphic details on how to polish doorknobs. SECRETARY Yes sir. (He continues his paperwork. After a moment, we hear the secretary again) Mr. Schweizer? MR. SCHWEIZER Yes, what is it now. SECRETARY Mr. Schweizer, theres a man here to see you. MR. SCHWEIZER Without an appointment?

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SECRETARY He says he has something that will revolutionize the way we see the universe. MR. SCHWEIZER Tell him I started seeing things differently 10 years ago when I got married. SECRETARY But Mr. Schweizer, he insists that he has something youll want to see. MR. SCHWEIZER Alright, send him in. SECRETARY Uh...one more thing. MR. SCHWEIZER What? SECRETARY He says hes from the 19th century. MR. SCHWEIZER Excuse me? SECRETARY He says that somehow he traveled into our century by mistake. MR. SCHWEIZER Marguerite, I told you to stop taking those pain killers. SECRETARY Ive been clean for a while, Mr. Schweizer. MR. SCHWEIZER Well, I dont have time for crackpots. SECRETARY He seems pretty serious. Besides, I dont think hes going to go anywhere anytime soon. Hes very persistent. Alright, send him in. Yes sir. (A knock is heard) MR. SCHWEIZER But have the police on speed dial. SECRETARY

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MR. SCHWEIZER Come in. (Charles Darwin enters) DARWIN Mr. Schweizer? MR. SCHWEIZER Yes, can I help you? DARWIN My name is Darwin...Charles Darwin. publisher extraordinaire. So? DARWIN Ive just finished a manuscript Id like you to consider for publication. MR. SCHWEIZER Wait a minute. My secretary just told me some story about you traveling here from the 19th century. DARWIN Yes, 1859 to be exact. MR. SCHWEIZER What are you some kind of nut? DARWIN No sir. Its the strangest thing. Im not sure how it happened really. But things do happen by pure accident all the time. So I dont question it. MR. SCHWEIZER What do you want with me? DARWIN As Ive stated, I have a manuscript Id like you to peruse. MR. SCHWEIZER I dont publish novels from the eighteen hundreds. DARWIN But this is not a novel. Its a theory Ive been working on concerning all that we see around us. Oh really? MR. SCHWEIZER Whats it called? I was told you were a

MR. SCHWEIZER

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DARWIN Its called, The Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection, or The Preservation of Favoured Races in the Struggle for Life. MR. SCHWEIZER Well...which is it? DARWIN Excuse me? MR. SCHWEIZER You said a title, then you said or, then you said another title. So which is it. DARWIN Thats it. MR. SCHWEIZER Whats it? DARWIN The title. MR. SCHWEIZER Thats the title? DARWIN Yes. MR. SCHWEIZER The whole thing? DARWIN Yes. MR. SCHWEIZER Well right off the bat, the titles too long. If you want me to read that, youll have to come up with a catchier title. DARWIN I dont understand. MR. SCHWEIZER You need something catchy like...My Favorite Species...or...Naturally Selected. Something like that. DARWIN My dear sir, this is very important work.

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MR. SCHWEIZER Alright, whats it about? DARWIN The origin of species. MR. SCHWEIZER You mean like plants and things like that? DARWIN I mean everything we see. The plants, the animals, the people, the bacteria...everything. MR. SCHWEIZER What makes you think youll be able to sell a book like that? DARWIN In my experience, people are very curious about their origin. I think it would be a great service to mankind. MR. SCHWEIZER Speaking of great service... (He gets on the intercom) Marguerite? SECRETARY Yes, Mr. Schweizer? MR. SCHWEIZER Get me some coffee. Yes sir. SECRETARY Oh by the way, your wife just called. MR. SCHWEIZER What did she want? SECRETARY She wants you to know she woke up a little sore this morning. MR. SCHWEIZER Physically sore or just angry? SECRETARY She didnt say. MR. SCHWEIZER Well whichever one it is, tell her Im sorry.

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SECRETARY Yes sir. MR. SCHWEIZER Alright Darwin, tell me a little about yourself, and this adventure of time travel. DARWIN Well as I said before, this was a really strange phenomenon that Ive never previously experienced. I was on my way to have my publisher look at my manuscript, when I decided to stop at a friends house for a quick repast. I remember her giving me some biscuits and dried beans. I was eating and suddenly, by accident, I swallowed a black olive. And...well...here I am. MR. SCHWEIZER Youre here because you ate an olive? DARWIN Olives and I never really were on agreeable terms. Id have been better served swallowing a pickle. MR. SCHWEIZER Thats extraordinary. DARWIN And Im still feeling a little strange from the dried beans. MR. SCHWEIZER Alright Charlie, go on. DARWIN As for me, Ive been traveling. MR. SCHWEIZER Ill say. DARWIN I mean Ive traveled the world before this little mishap. I boarded a ship called the HMS Beagle in the 1830s. It was 90 feet long and only 24 feet wide. And for 5 years, I was trapped in that vessel with a fairly large crew. There was very little space. I must admit I felt a little contained. MR. SCHWEIZER I get the same feeling walking in my sons bedroom. DARWIN Before I arrived on the English shores again, I saw some very bizarre works of nature in my research. I saw some strange things in Australia. I feel

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MR. SCHWEIZER Im sure whatever it was, it wasnt as bad as watching Crocodile Dundee. DARWIN No matter, I did see some peculiar species that made me reflect on our origin. I was also heavily influenced by the first volumes of Charles Lyells Principles of Geology, which spoke of uniformitarianism. MR. SCHWEIZER Wait a minute, wait a minute. You developed a theory because you were influenced by something you read? DARWIN There were many before me who had similar thoughts, but my theory speaks of evolution by natural selection. What I read only contributed to my research and findings. MR. SCHWEIZER Well, these days we question whether or not what we hear and read are true. We try to assess whether theres evidence to support whats exposed to us. Although, I will admit that our students allow themselves to be indoctrinated rather than educated. DARWIN Yes, thats been prevailing for centuries it seems. MR. SCHWEIZER How true. Alright Darwin, leave your manuscript and Ill read it when I have a chance. Come back in a couple of weeks. Wait a minute...you got a place to stay, right? Yes I do. homeless. DARWIN When I arrived to this time, I was lost and But I soon learned how to apply for a Section 8. MR. SCHWEIZER Thats nice. DARWIN Very well. I appreciate your interest and hope for your continued support. MR. SCHWEIZER No promises. I understand. DARWIN Well, good day.

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MR. SCHWEIZER Take it easy. (Darwin exits. the Intercom) Marguerite? SECRETARY Yes sir. MR. SCHWEIZER See that Charlie gets out alright. And dont forget my coffee. SECRETARY Yes sir. Lights fade. Mr. Schweizer gets on

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SCENE II Lights come back up and we see Mr. Schweizer at his desk, and another man sitting next to the desk. MR. SCHWEIZER The reason I called you over, Dr. Thompson, is Im going to need an expert to talk to this author-wanna-be. DR. THOMPSON Oh, you mean the man we were discussing the other day? Thats right. MR. SCHWEIZER Did you read his manuscript? So is the

DR. THOMPSON Yes I did, and I must say its really out there. story of his being from the 19th century.

MR. SCHWEIZER I know, I get all kinds in here. But lets assume for a minute that he is from the past. His theory would be based on the limited knowledge that they had back then, wouldnt it? DR. THOMPSON True. So what do you think? character? MR. SCHWEIZER Can you help me out with that

DR. THOMPSON Ill do my best. But with all the work he put into it, he may not be too happy with the truth. MR. SCHWEIZER Well, I just dont want to publish something that would cause a run-away train if you know what I mean. DR. THOMPSON I most certainly do. We know how theories can be taught as fact these days. (The secretary comes over the intercom) SECRETARY Mr. Schweizer? MR. SCHWEIZER Yes?

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SECRETARY Mr. Schweizer, I have Mr. Gingerham on the phone again. Hed like to talk to you. MR. SCHWEIZER I told you were not publishing his stupid book on doorknobs. SECRETARY He says hes just found a missing manuscript he lost a while back. This ones not about doorknobs. He wants you to look at it. MR. SCHWEIZER Ask him what its about. SECRETARY Already did. MR. SCHWEIZER Well? SECRETARY He wants to publish a book about amazing peanut butter strainers. MR. SCHWEIZER Amazing peanut butter strainers? Are you kidding me? Im afraid not. SECRETARY What should I tell him?

MR. SCHWEIZER You can tell him to take his peanut butter strainers and sit on them until his constipation becomes exploding diarrhea. SECRETARY Yes sir. MR. SCHWEIZER (To Dr. Thompson) Can you believe this idiot? I cant get a break. Youd think people would have better things to do than write about stupid things. Of all the stupid attempts to make a buck... (The secretary comes back on) SECRETARY Mr. Schweizer? MR. SCHWEIZER What!

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SECRETARY Mr. Schweizer, Mr. Darwin is back to see you about his manuscript. MR. SCHWEIZER Send him in. SECRETARY Okey dokey. (He makes a mad face at the "okey dokey" reply.) MR. SCHWEIZER (To Dr. Thompson) This is the guy with the theory. (A knock is heard) Come in. (Darwin enters) DARWIN We meet again, Mr. Schweizer. MR. SCHWEIZER How you doing? DARWIN Very well, thank you, and I trust you are as well? MR. SCHWEIZER Ive had better days. Sorry to hear that. manuscript? DARWIN Did you have the opportunity to read my

MR. SCHWEIZER Yes I did. This is my colleague Dr. Bert Thompson. Thompson, Charlie Darwin. DR. THOMPSON Nice to meet you, Mr. Darwin. DARWIN Likewise, Im sure. MR. SCHWEIZER Dr. Thompson also had a chance to read it.

Dr.