Professional Documents
Culture Documents
The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old
man dig. I had him buried upside down."
Murphey's Laws Of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as
though you meant it to happen.
The she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods
his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle, and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police."
Bear Chase
Two guys are out in the woods hiking.
The first guy says, "I figure when the bear gets too
close, we'll have to jump down and make a run for
it."
The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I
only have to outrun you."
New Evidence
The day after a verdict had been entered against his
client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers,
demanding that the case to be reopened, the lawyer
argued: "I have new evidence that makes a huge
difference in my client's defense."
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat
down to write a thank you note to God, which read;
"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the
money.
"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."
"The lying fool," said the man, "I'll bet he said I was
speeding, too!"
Tax Season
Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly
woman showed up at the IRS. She said she required
a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so many?" the clerk
asked.
-Shark Baiter
-Hurricane Photographer
America's Unique
- Only in America... do we leave cars worth
thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our
useless junk in the garage.
- Only in America... do we use answering machines to
screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in
the first place.
So, the boy took off his gloves, spit a clump of stuff
into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms
warm!!"
The Smartest
Three men were walking through a park when they
suddenly came upon a river. "I wonder how we are
going to cross this river?" said one man.
"Meeeeemeeeeemeeeeee"
Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I
made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach
was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I
credit that approach for my success."
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the
crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the
politicians had gone.
"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please
bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at
3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who
are speaking too loudly about some political issues
and won’t let me sleep."
"Thank you very much for the call sir," replied the
dispatcher.
"Sure Did!"
"Yep!"
- You could turn off the speakers when life gets too
noisy.
Then the mom said, "Oh baby that's not true, God
may have made men first ,but there's always a rough
draft before the masterpiece."
The End is Near
A priest and pastor from the local parishes are
standing by the side of the road holding up a sign
that reads, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around
now before it's too late!"
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
1 tbsp le mon ju ice
4 large eggs
1 cup of nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle of Tequila
Pick the frigging fruit and damm cup off the floor.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner
Put the bowl through the window, finish off the booze
and make sure to
Put The dirty stove in the dishwasher.
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose
bedroom looks like Mission Control , to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and
solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that
.... In case I need to fix it again?'
'No,' I replied.
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
Superbowl
A man has 50-yard-line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, another man comes
down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in his right mind would have a seat like this for
the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it ?'
Somberly, the man says, 'Well... the seat actually belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come here with me, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been
to together since we got married in 1967.'
'Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or
relative, or even a neighbor - to take the seat?'
The man shakes his head, 'No. They're all at the funeral.'
THEIR
LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST
DIFFERENCE.'
THE
MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO
BUSINESS.
'DEAD?' SAYS
HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
WAS A WITCH.'
THAT?'
SHE
FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK
One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the
driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load
of empty beer and liquor bottles.
'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the UPS man
comments.
Bob, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the
first I have felt like moving since 4 oclock Sunday morning. We had about
fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it
got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started
playing 'WHO AM I?'
The UPS man thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a
sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the
sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The UPS man laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responded. 'Your name came up seven
times.'
'I'm sorry,
but we have our rules.'
The
elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
So, 24
hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud
to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he
realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well,
then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now, choose your
eternity.'
'Well, I would never have said it before. I mean Heaven has been
delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.'
'I don't
understand,' stammers t he senator. 'Yesterday, I was here and there was a golf
course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced
and had a great time. Now, it's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable. What happened'?
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work
the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you
do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO
MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the
biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay
there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and
name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow
today. You must park.... Then the electric power went out. The good wife
was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I
don't know what to do. Which side of
the street do I need to park on
so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding
in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the
husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this
time."
">"THREE WOMEN IN
MEXICO"
The first
one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked
if
she has any last words.
They all
immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness,
"I just
graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the
Power
of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw
the
switch and again, nothing happens.
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have
concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph
hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"
friend.
Working people frequently ask retired people
what they do to make their days interesting.
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way
to the barn and settled in for the night. Come
morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on
their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of
skiing.<SPAN
style="FONT-WEIGHT: bold; FONT-SIZE: 13.5pt; COLOR:
black; FONT-FAMILY: 'Comic Sans MS'">
~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Preacher was
explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him
more. There is a hush within the congregation,...no one wanted him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims, .... "If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!" The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, "If
the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!" More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Preacher
stays, .... I will give him sex!" There is total silence. The Preacher,
blushing, asks her, "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say
that?" Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding
his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to
side, while his wife replies, "Well, I just asked my husband how we
could help, and he said, "Screw the Preacher!"
>
>
>
> The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
> she
> asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven ... which part of
> your body
> goes first?"
>
>
>
>
>
> Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."
>
>
>
>
>
> Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
>
>
>
>
>
> Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
> front of
> you and God just takes your hands first."
>
>
>
>
>
> What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
>
>
>
>
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your
> feet."
>
>
>
>
>
> The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Little
> Johnny,
> why do you think it would be your feet?"
>
>
>
>
>
> Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's the other
> night.
> Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,
> I'm
> coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
>
After careful
planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it
safely to his
van.
However, he was
captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
"Monsier
that is the reason I stole the paintings.
I had no
Arial"Monet
to buy Degas
to make the
Arial"Van Gogh"
See if you have
Arial"De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse!
Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip
while your captain, Suzan Malligan,
and crew take you safely to your destination.'
nervous.'
The first kid says, 'You've got
nothing to worry about. I had that done when
appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it
off.
Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence:
' Get well quick.....from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!
SAYING GOODBYE TO
MOTHER......
Why did God give you your mother and not some
other Mum?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other
people's Mums like me.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she
doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she
gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he
gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more
money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a
man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand
him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her
a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will
change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she
won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning
of a new argument.
_____________________________
* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.
* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.
* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.
* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
Then leaves.
* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.
* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.
* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and
people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also
applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn
into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home
with the kids or start a 'home business'.
* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.
* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.
* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and
file. Decisions that fall from the 'adminisphere' are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to
solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded 'administrivia' - needless
paperwork and processes.
* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message '404 Not
Found' meaning that the requested document could not be located.
* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.
* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.
* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food rest au rants often wear to show
their level of training.
* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo!
Aa! Aa! Aa!'.
* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your
bed instead.
* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise
At 3:00am .
* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how
you got here, and where you've come from.
* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female
* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks
A WOMAN'S WEEK
AT THE GYM
MONDAY:
TUESDAY:
WEDNESDAY:
THURSDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has
ever hated any other
human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
anemic, anorexic
little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could
move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
SATURDAY:
SUNDAY:
ABBOTT: Mac?
-FAMILY:
ABBOTT : Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you,
my name's Lou.
COSTELLO: I don't
know. What will I see when I look at
the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
ABBOTT: Office.
ABBOTT: Recommend
something.
COSTELLO: You
recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what
did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
ABBOTT: I recommend
Office with Window's.
COSTELLO: I already
have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my
computer and I
want to type a proposal. What do I
need?
ABBOTT: Word.
ABBOTT: Word in
Office.
COSTELLO: The only
word in office is office.
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's
right What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need
money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes
bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's
bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Isn't it
illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft
gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can
give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Click on
'START'
On the first day, God created the dog and
said:
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the
monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make
them laugh. For this, I'll give
you a twenty-year life span.'
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new Young
wife had bought the exact same dress!
'Absolutely not, I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm Wearing it,'
she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, 'Never mind sweetheart. I'll
get another dress. After all, it's your special day.' A few days later, they
went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for
lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, 'Aren't you going to return the other
dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it.
Her mother just smiled and replied, 'Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to
the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.'
I've got 2 dogs. I bought a large bag of Meaty Bites at Big W and was standing in line at
the check-out.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Meaty Bites Diet again, although I
probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 25 kgs
before I woke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and
IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load
your pants pockets with Meaty Bites and simply eat one or two every time you feel
hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with
my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been
poisoned by the food. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the middle of the
road licking my dick and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he
staggered out the door.