March 2012

What To Do This Month Event Quick Reference Useful Telephone Numbers Classified Ads Costambar Cable Channel Listing The Rainy Day Page And Lots Of Other Fun Stuff!!

VIRGIN SIGHTED ON THE NORTH COAST!

Well, no, not really! Duh! But sightings of Sir Richard Branson at different locations on the North Coast had everyone in a tizzy! From Ocean World Marina to Cabarete, the North Coast buzzed with the news. Many people made efforts to accidentally bump into the billionaire entrepreneur and adventurer. Some were successful and regaled captive audiences at their local watering holes. Some even tried to lure him into visiting their humble establishments! But most just imagined wistfully what it would be like to share a pint with the father of Virginity! Strangely enough, he wasnt sighted at any of CMs favourite watering holes! His loss! It will be hard to go back to our normal day to day lives after the Branson fever has broke. Local celebs are worried they can never again live up to peoples expectations. Cheers mate!

Yennys Market Loase Resort/Sams Bar Catamaran Beach Bar Pascuals Happy Hippo Sharkys Bar & Grill MarLous Restaurant Syls Place Galeria de Arte Sol The Anchor Biekes Bar Supermercado Tropical Big Lees Beach Bar El Jardin y Algo Mas Restaurant Chino The Meeting Place Maximillians Beach Bar Chris & Madys Ocean World Marina Los Tres Cocos

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Los Tres Cocos in Las Rocas invites you to try something different. Fine dining at its best! Call 809-993-4503 for details. Sams at Loase Resort & Spa is making Sunday a special day. Starting at 10am with a breakfast brunch, then escape the hassle of the beach by using their pool facilities, playing free racquetball or bring a group and play some free wallyball. Now offering free rides home to patrons - you get there,theyll get you home! Reserve your place at their St. Patricks Day Party/Dinner on March 17th! At The Catamaran on Costambar Beach youll find great food at great prices enjoyed with a million dollar view! On March 13 join them to celebrate Pauls birthday! Every day they have Power Hour with 3X1 cuba libres from 6-7pm. Saturdays is Sancocho! They also hold a monthly Flea Market on the last Saturday of every month beginning at 10am. No cost to vendors! Pascuals on Costambar Beach specializes in seafood from their live lobster tank. Every Thursday is Romantic Night with guitar music by the duo Los Reyes and Saturdays its Karaoke & a BBQ! Also available for parties and events! The Happy Hippo has Live Music with Melky on March 11th and Karaoke with Jepol on March 25th! Every Sunday is a Flea Market with tables for rent! Big Lees Beach Bar is aiming to be the new hotspot on the Malecon in Puerto Plata. Try his new steamed hot dogs with all the fixings! American music and free popcorn! Look for the 7 foot electric palm tree! Why not try El Jardin y Algo Mas for something different? Why not try their fabulous Swiss Cheese Fondue! Galeria de Arte Sol is exhibiting works by artist Rafo Castillo on March 2nd at 7:30pm.

Sharkys Bar & Grill in Costambar is bringing the fun times back to town! Hans is back with Darts on Tuesday nights. Rockin Karaoke with Shawn & Ken on Friday nights! They have a Foosball Table, Pool Table and Satellite TV for all sporting events. AND - Charo is in charge of the menu! Food specials every Saturday & Sunday! MarLous Restaurant will have new offers for the New Year! Saturdays is Karaoke from 9pm. They have Live Music March 4th and St. Patricks Day Karaoke on March 17th! Restaurant Chino has the best Chinese food on the North Coast! Eat in or take out. Two locations - on the Malecon in Puerto Plata and calle Principal in Cabarete. Syls Place has Happy Hour every day from 47pm. Fridays is her popular Fish & Chips/Onion Rings. NEW - Mondays is Everything Chili Day! Bowls, fries and dogs! They invite you to party on St. Patricks Day with Irish Stew & Green Beer! The Anchor in Costambar invites you to try their nighttime menu - beef stroganoff, pork medallions and more! Chris & Madys has all your favourite sports including NFL and NHL! Try their seafood and lobster specials! March 17th they are holding a St. Pattys Day Party! The Meeting Place has started their winter program. This month offers everything from movies and theatre productions to political discussions. Why not visit Maximillians Beach Bar on the malecon in Puerto Plata! Ocean World Marina offers an exquisite buffet every Sunday from 11am-3pm with American, German & Canadian specialties. Music and use of the pool facilities is included. Biekes Bar - the first bar in & the last bar out of Costambar! Drop by Saturdays for Costambars Best Burger! Check out the blackboards for food specials during the week!

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CLASSIFIEDS
FOR SALE 33foot sailboat, Glander Tavana class yawl, good condition/ minor work needed, less than 1500 hours on new 20 horse Kuboto engine and trans. A MUST SEE! Located in Luperon bay. Call Sean @ (809) 782-2534. WANTED Golf Cart, does anyone have an electric golf cart for sale, anything considered broken or damaged included, Tel: 809 639 9393 or email : bobyk@libello.com FOR SALE Hoveround Electric Wheelchair, almost new 1800 USD, Pioneer CLD V820 Laser karaoke machine 150 USD, Invacare respiratory oxygen concentrator machine 200 USD, Two 65 watt solar panels 140 USD, Some used computer parts, hard disks, memory, please ask for complete list. Viewable in Costambar Email. bobyk@libello.com or phone 809 639 93 93 FOR SALE New and unused Italian TournAment Bocce Ball set. 109 mm x 2lbs each. Cost 94 u.s. to buy and 93 u.s. to bring in due to weight. Will accept 100 u.s. or nearest offer. phone 809 970 3024 FOR SALE 2001 Suzuki Grand Vitara XL7, Green, 6cyl auto, AC, runs on propane or gas, can be seen Costambar, 235,000 pesos OBO 829-558-5067 or email mark_a_brandon@hotmail. WANTED looking for reasonably priced used restaurant furniture and equipment. 809-935-5119 or jfsawchuk@hotmail.ca. FOR SALE Alante Electric Wheelchair 24 volt Excellent condition with little use. Original price over US$5000 Will sell for US$1000 English 809-360-8552 Spanish 809-970-7522 or 809-993-2944 WANTED looking for a golf car e-z-go in good condition, please call 8097965444. in puerto plata

LIKE CHECKING OUT THE CLASSIFIEDS FOR GREAT DEALS? OR USING THEM TO GET RID OF YOUR UNWANTED ITEMS? THEN WHY NOT CHECK OUT COSTAMBARS NEW FLEA MARKET AT THE CATAMARAN BAR ON THE BEACH. EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH STARTING AT 10AM! FREE TO VENDORS!!! Costambar Monthly classified ads are free but can only be placed by emailing costambarmonthly@yahoo.ca Or calling 809-970-7507 or 809-449-1820 PLEASE NOTE - free classified ads are only for personal items. Commercial properties or enterprises (including real estate sales or rentals) must purchase an ad. Classifieds will usually be run for one month only unless we are otherwise notified.

www.costambarmonthly.com
OPEN DAILY (INCLUDING HOLIDAYS) Mon-Sat 8am-10pm Sundays 8am-8pm Everything you need from snacks to supper! Delivery Service Available! Calle Principal, Costambar (just inside the gate) 809-970-3028

FOR SALE OR TRADE Yomoto 150cc Motorcycle, Brand new !!!, unwanted rafle prize, Electric start, Alloy wheels, Alarm, Chrome luggage rack, Crash helmet, White with Chrome Everything!!!32,000 pesos or exchange for an electric golf cart, viewable in Costambar, photos by email on request: Email: bobyk@libello.com Tel: 809 639 9393 FOR SALE Outboard 15 hp - 4 stroke & dinghy caribe 13 feet with latte 2000$ us Microwave oven GE, combo convection and grill oven, stainless steel inside and out, rack for grilling and broiling 200$ us Nice spear gun ab biller 32 special 120$ Joanne 829-319-0572 or 829 201-5944 after the 13th of March you can reach me by mail at: noiseuxjoanne@hotmail.com

FOR SALE 1986 Volvo Penta model #2003, 29hp, 3 cyl., 3195 hours Transmission 2.36:1 RD$3500 829-633-8521 WANTED "Karaoke business looking for an assistant with experiences IGLESIA FILIPOS PRESBITERIANA invites you to as a DJ. Dominican welcome! services every Sunday at 10 A.M. Worships are in for contacts call 809 988 1322 after 2.30 PM." Spanish. Children activities. Before Costambar Gate

WANTED Exercise bike. call Mark on 829-712-8189

Security, turn on the right side toward the power plant, 100 meters on the right side.

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Apartments for Rent Special Offers Available For Long Term Rentals! Just ask Max! Office 809-970-7312 Cell 809-251-8679 Visit our website www.villasfelipe.com

Fully furnished one bedroom apartment Located in Costambar. Includes internet, cable tv, electricity and propane Only $400 US monthly. Pool and laundry facilities for your use as well. Located two minute walk to the beach. Email currencytrader1@hotmail.com for details.

Maximilians
BEACH BAR
First Casetta at Long Beach Malecon, Puerto Plata, R.D. Cell: 809-251-8679 Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
In Plaza Turisol, main street Puerto Plata to Sosua Spaces from 269sq ft to 3300 sq ft Top location, plenty of parking Ideal for offices, stores, gyms or ? Reasonable prices

FOR SALE OR RENT

FOR MORE INFORMATION

Royd Jantzen 809-970-7616 Jorge Fernandez 809-669-7660

Ricart Garcia & Assoc.

Lic. R. Margarita Ricart G.
Lawyer-Abogado
Specializing in contract law - cedulas, real estate, vehicles Court appearances for civil/legal suits Appointments at your residence or our office
Cubicle 7-A, Plaza Turisol, Puerto Plata, Rep. Dom. Office 809-244-4519 Cel. 809-757-0814 Email: ricartreal-estate@hotmail.com

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a Vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death!

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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IF YOU'RE INTERESTED
In discussing, creating and helping other women and yourself expand, plan and support each other in business Register, call or text: Annette at Galeria de Arte Sol Calle Cristobal Colon #6 Costambar tangoannet@gmail.com 809-869-0054

Power Hour 3X1 Cuba Libres at Catamaran 6-7pm Happy Hour at Syls Place 4-7pm Chili Extravaganza at Syls Place Darts with Hans at Sharkys Quiz Night at MarLous Restaurant Romantic Night with live guitar music by Los Reyes at Pascuals Fish & Chips at Syls Place Karaoke at Sharkys Sancocho at Catamaran Karaoke at MarLous 9pm Karaoke & BBQ at Pascuals Fleas Market at Catamaran Sancocho at Syls Place Breakfast Buffet at Sams at Loase from 10am Flea Market at Happy Hippo Brunch at Ocean World 11am-3pm Works by artist Rafo Castillo at Galeria Arte de Sol 7:30pm Political discussion at Meeting Place 2:30pm Live music at MarLous Movie J. Edgar at Meeting Place 3pm Live music with Melky at Happy Hippo 2pm Discussion re Carnaval Cruises at Meeting Place 3pm Pauls Birthday celebration at The Catamaran St Patty Day Party & BBQ at Sharkys St Patty Day Party at Syls Place St Patty Day Party at Chris & Maddys St. Patty Day Karaoke at MarLous St Patty Day Parrty/Dinner at Sams Bar in Loase by reservation 7pm Movie Hugo at Meeting Place 3pm Karaoke with Jepol at Happy Hippo 2pm Documentary April: La Trinchera del Honor at Meeting Place 3pm

Unclaimed Prizes from The Olimpit Games Raffle Ticket numbers 286 640 Philip Lewis 1061 Contact Dorne; 809 970 3024 The Olimpit Games Raffle for Blanco's Kids raised RD$30,500. Donations given in to the raffle were RD$3,400. Total raised for Blanco's Kids RD$34,410. We of the Committee wish to thank everyone for those attending and participating in The Olimpit Games. We give our special thanks to the volunteers who helped us and to those that donated money for Blanco's Kids. Everyone's a star. The Olimpit Games Committee
BLANCOS KIDS On behalf of Blancos Kids, I would like to thank the organizers of the Olimpits for all of their hard work to raise funds to help the children. Also thank you to all of the friends that participated and made it a fun day. Your support is greatly appreciated. Claudia

DONT FORGET
A video memory of this years Olympits plus high quality professional photos of the day are available from Photo Mike. The video is only RD$400 and photos are only RD$100. Contact Mike at 809-492-9146 or email fullmoonphotos@hotmail.com

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VIVERO!!!
Open to the Public
All ypes of T Palms, Flowering & Foliage Plants Landscaping & Garden Maintenance Services Available BEST PRICES ON THE NORTH COAST
Open Monday-Friday 8:30am to 5pm And By Appointment

PLANT

Call George (Lettuce) 809-543-8041

Km. 11 Carretera PP-Imbert (In front of PARADA DINAMICA) Just past the fish places

DO YOU NEED A HOUSE SITTER?

DO YOU NEED A GOOD MECHANIC?

Call Ito
829-563-1878 or 829-540-6622 (for English 809-464-7898)
SERVICE DONE AT YOUR HOME! ALL GENERAL REPAIRS & MAINTENANCE!

Retired New Jersey Police Officer is available! Long/short term Call 829-540-2818

I never run with scissors. Those last two words were unnecessary!

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Health Insurance
RD$955 Includes Dental RD$1190 with Drugs
Big Lees Beach Bar, Puerto Plata 5pm Biekes Bar, Costambar 6:30pm Or call Petra & Marcel Bahr 1-809-885-2155
NOTE FOR APRIL 2012 PAYMENTS!!!
April payments may be made in advance on March 6 Or at Banco Leon S.A. Account owner: Ingeburg Ohlrog (Treas. of the IRC) Current account number: 65 66 11 PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR NAME & KEEP RECEIPT AS EVIDENCE OF PAYMENT!

"On February 18th, some friends of Blanco's Kids held an Art & Craft Show and Sale as a fundraising activity. Artists and Crafters in the community were invited to join together for this sale at Minerva's in Costambar and a portion of their proceeds was donated to the children. We had photographs, carved walking sticks, jewellery, bead work, paintings, therapeutic neck warmers, etc. And we had about 60 donated hand knitted and dressed Teddy Bears that were a huge success. Also on display was the double bed sized quilt that had been donated. And tickets sold like hotcakes. Best selling craft of the day, was the shell mobiles and painted bean pods made by the children themselves. Actually their painted bean pods sold out very quickly and we are working hard to fill the orders that were taken. February 27th at an Independence Dinner, the quilt raffle draw took place. The winner of the quilt was Gianna Tonon, a friend of Manlio and Angie Del Vegan, long time residents of Costambar. Congratulations to Gianna and a most sincere thank you to everyone who bought tickets and supported this event. All the totals are not in, but it looks at if we raised about 35,000 pesos for Blanco's Kids."

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin. 3 hours later and they were still walking about with it. I thought to myself, . . . they've lost the plot!

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him about it he reckoned he could stop any time.

Massage: Relax, Reduction, Deep Tissue, Facial Massage, Reflexology, Acupressure, & Hot Stone Physical Therapy, Paraffin Treatment & Lymphatic Drainage Manicure & Pedicure: Regular & Intensive Braids & Hair Extensions & Mens Haircuts Facials, Waxing , Peeling, Hydration & Nurse Services Natural Health & Beauty Products
ASK ABOUT OUR SPECIALS. Open Mon-Sat from 9:00am / Sundays by appointment Service to the home. Transportation available. #14 Penon St, Costambar Tel: 809-970-7522 Cell: 809-993-2944

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Rafael Aguilar #38, Los Cocos, Puerto Plata, R.D. 809-440-1430 English 809-440-1420 Spanish daniel1010@netzero.com
U.K. Trained Mechanic with over 30 years experience
Diagnostics, Maintenance and Repairs Tire Service & Car Wash

AVAILABLE
Mar 6 & May 1 Big Lees Beach Bar Puerto Plata 5pm Biekes Bar Costambar 6:30pm

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterward, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!" SOUND RENTAL

NE W IN ! R. D.

Karaoke Tropical
For Any Event Of Your Choice With Animation in English, Spanish, German and French Lyrics in 7 Languages International Music, Videos and DVDs

809-204-4172 Email dj.marilyne_karaoke_tropical@hotmail.com

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CLEAR FIBERGLASS 33-LB PROPANE CYLINDER TANK

Always know how much gas you have! Lighter than steel and don't rust! $320.00 new in US Now only 2450 pesos Call Colin 809-449-1819

FOR SALE

26' Ocean Reef Fishing Boat Good - Very Good condition Built in Florida 1982 Solid sea-vessel Economical 4 cyl. Isuzu Good for fishing or touring. US$42,000 Info 809-392-0077 sailinnn@yahoo.com

TRYING TO SELL YOUR BOAT? GET MORE EXPOSURE BY ADVERTISING IT IN COSTAMBAR MONTHL Y!

L U P E R O N

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, "What'll you have?" The guy answers, "A scotch, please." The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars," to which the guy replies, "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this." A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration." The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again." The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the heck are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!" The guy says, "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life!" The bartender replies, "I'm very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies, "Thank you. Make it a scotch."

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SOLUTIONS ON PAGE 13
SUDOKU PUZZLES Fill in the missing numbers so every row, column and quadrant contains the number 1 through 9.

RESTAURANTS
Find and circle all of the words that are hidden in the grid. The remaining letters spell a hidden message

APERITIF APPETIZER BILL BUSBOY CASHIER CHAIRS CHEF COFFEE COOKS

CUPS CUSTOMER DESSERT DISHWASHERS DRINKS ENTREE FORK GLASSES KNIFE

MANAGER MEAL MENU NAPKINS ORDER PLATES SALAD SAUCERS SERVERS

SPOON TABLECLOTH TABLES TEA TIP WAITER WAITRESS WATER WINE

Across 1. Schematic drawing 5. Thick cushion used as a seat 6. Captivate 7. Voter Down 1. Jurisdiction of a bishop 2. Presenter's visual aid 3. Oddment 4. Fiend

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PRODUCT OF THE YEAR AWARD!

12 22 28 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 40 42 43 44 46 49 CNN FOX ABC NBC CBS KIDS TBS CNBC ESPN-1 WGN CDN TNT USA ESPN-2 DISCOVERY DISNEY HBO 70 71 72 74 79 80 81 83 84 85 SPORT BOOMERANG 51 56 57 64 66 CINE SPEED ANIMAL PLANET SCI-FI FOOD 69 DISCOVERY WEATHER CINEMAX SHOWTIME STARZ NASA JETIX CARTOON TNT LA HISTORY THE FILM ZONE CANAL

Police Office Police Car APC Office APC Gate Security Codetel Edenorte - emergency Edenorte - office Costambar Taxi Stand Canada Britain U.S.A. German Italian Clinica Bournigal Clinica Brugal Los Tropicos Pharmacy

809-320-8510 809-320-8840 809-970-7877 809-970-7015 809-220-1111 809-261-1844 809-586-9823 809-970-7318 809-586-5761 809-586-4244 809-586-4204 809-586-6995 809-320-7601 809-586-2342 809-586-2519 809-970-7607

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

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Roger , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.' Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?' The moral of the story: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages. Try Our SWISS CHEESE FONDUE!

Restaurant Chino
Best Chinese Food On the North Coast! Two Great Locations! Eat In or Takeout!
Xiang Wan Jia Plaza Neptuno, Malecon, Puerto Plata 809-261-5609 Calle Principal, Cabarete 809-571-0385

Open Friday to Sunday 11am-8pm Calle Felix Nolasco #55, Urbanization Atlantica, Puerto Plata 809-261-0416/829-568-1475

The biggest lie I tell myself is I dont need to write that down, Ill remember it.

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room. She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Patton said, 'Why do you say such a mean thing?' 'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Costambar Monthly page 13

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sicko.

TENNIS
Villa Jasmin Court

Private Lessons - English & Spanish spoken Singles, Weekend Pick-Up Doubles Reasonable Prices Special Beginners Introductory Lesson - Group(s) of Six RD$50 each Childrens Groups (5yrs & up)
CALL ISAIAS 829-705-2913

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

BEGINNER

INTERMEDIA TE

HIDDEN MESSAGE
Reservation

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A couple made a deal that whoever died first Would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Judy............Judy" "Is that you, George?" "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." "That's wonderful! What's it like?" "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then I pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" "Oh, George...are you in Heaven?" "No...........I'm a Rabbit in Kansas."

INTERNATIONAL GOURMET CUISINE & AUSTRIAN SPECIALTIES

You can tell a lot about A woman by her hands For instance, If theyre place around your Throat shes probably Slightly upset

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

Costambar Monthly page 15

AN IRISH GHOST STORY John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stop. John , desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John , paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John , were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other.... Look Paddy....there's that feckin idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Puerto Platas non-profit English Bookstore and Resource Center

PREVIEW OF MARCH 2012 PROGRAM
Saturday, March 3 2:30 PM. 2nd in our political discussion series: Ramn Alburquerque, former Senate Speaker and ex-president of PRD, representing Hipolito Meija. Saturday, March 3 - 7:30 pm. Teatro Balsamo. Don Quijote sin La Mancha, with English interpretation. The comic adventures of Don Quixote and friend Sancho Sunday, March 4 3:00 PM. FILM CLUB. J. Edgar, Leonardo DiCaprio in Clint Eastwoods richly detailed biopic of the controversial F.B.I. Director. Sunday, March 11 3:00 PM. An informal discussion with knowledgeable individuals about the effects on the Puerto Plata region of the Carnaval Cruise ships coming to Maimon Sunday, March 18 3:00 PM. FILM CLUB: Martin Scorseses masterpiece, Hugo, the story of an orphan who lives in the walls of a train station and the mystery involving his late father and an automaton. Sunday, April 1 3:00 PM. Documentary April: La Trinchera del Honor (with English subtitles) about the1965 landing of US marines in Santo Domingo to quell a popular uprising to restore the 1962 constitution that a military coup had overturned. Renowned dramatist Ivan Garcia will comment, drawing on his own experiences. The April event will mark the seasons end of the discussion series and winter bookstore hours at the Meeting Place. During these last days, many books will be sharply reduced in price.
Come and see our unique exhibition of: Historical Pictures of Puerto Plata

809-261-7393

829-455-6110

Juan Bosch 60 (2 blocks NE of Central Park, Bus B)

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SEE THIS IN FULL COLOUR AT www.costambarmonthly.com

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Painting the Church There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings. Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine. Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried: "Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.. "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

OPEN DAILY FROM 12 NOON SATURDAYS BIEKE BURGERS!! CHECK OUR BOARD FOR FOOD SPECIALS!

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?' Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.' Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Presents The Works of Artist

Friday March 2, 2012 7:30pm

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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Every day on the Ocean is another day in Paradise.

Spend today at Big Lees Beach Bar

On the Malecon in Puerto Plata, 8th Casetta

CHRIS & MADYS

Playa Cofresi

Enjoy our: up-close view of the Ocean, our Hot Dogs on steamed buns, our free Pop Corn, and our Oldies Music - 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s. We OPEN before 11 a.m. in the morning!!!

To follow ALL our current activities and photos too, GO TO our web site:

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Paddy was in New York . He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass. He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk. After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' The man said, 'I do, Father.' The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.' Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?' O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

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A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" "No." A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly. "That's not my dog."

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is donem the bartender tells him he owes $9.00. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

ay ials pec Sund ar! b dS & Foo urday t the t rd a Sa a very the bo E k c Che

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A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?" Wife: 'What are you doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." "Really, ..." says Mick "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

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There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband... for example... A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters the kitchen, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. "Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?

PASCUALS PLAYA COSTAMBAR

Specializing in Live Lobsters & Seafood
EVERY THURSDAY Romantic Night with Live Guitar Music by the duo Los Reyes EVERY SATURDAY Karaoke & BBQ Open Daily For Parties, Events & Reservations Call 829-434-9404/829-464-4071/829-637-6487

OPEN FOR DINNER Thursday to Sunday 6pm-10pm (last orders 9pm)

Monday to Saturday 8am-2pm Sunday 8am-1pm I had an appointment with my doctor. He asked me what I did yesterday. I told him about my day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from an angry 14 point buck in the heavy brush, marched up and down a steep hill, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, then outran an alligator!" Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!" "No," I replied, "I'm just a shitty golfer."

I had lunch with a few of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went. My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong. The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night. Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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DID YOU WIN?!?!?

Heres the latest list of winners from the Amigos de 4 Patas final raffle draw: 1.Happy Hippo Voucher - Ticket # 0025 Jeff Cook 2. Syl's Place Voucher - Ticket # 0129 Ricky 3. Baseball Hat - Ticket # 0255 Ruth McBride 4. Jewellry Voucher - Ticket # 0087 Bruce 5. Catamaran restaurant Voucher - Ticket # 0373 Fabienne 6. Happy Hippo Voucher - Ticket # 0114 Schramm 7. Banana's Restaurant - Ticket # 0384 Bobby from Sam's Bar 8. Baseball Hat - Ticket # Brian Tisler 9. Syl's Place Voucher - Ticket # 0382 Bobby from Sam's Bar 10. Diving Travel Guide Book Ticket # 0365 Maick If you havent claimed your prize get in touch with Carolina at 829-520-7265. A big thank you from all at Amigos de 4 Patas to everyone who donated prizes for the raffle and another big thank you to all the people who bought

raffle tickets. With the money raised we were able to to do 2 spay/neuter clinics in which over 50 dogs were operated on. That is 50 more animals not adding to the already over populated Dominican Republic!!

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HAPPY HOUR!!! 4-7pm Cuba/Santo Libres 2X1 Bohemia peq RD$45 Presidente peq RD$50 Watch for Surprise Drink Specials!!!

Irish Stew! Green Beer! Lots of Music!

MONDAYS! ALL THINGS CHILI! BOWLS OF CHILI! CHILI DOGS! CHILI CHEESE FRIES! FRIDAYS!!!! FISH & CHIPS/ONION RINGS!!!
Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances. One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

COME FOR THE GREAT FOOD AT GREAT PRICES AND THE MILLION DOLLAR VIEW!

SATURDAYS SANCOCHO!
FLEA MARKET!!!
EVERY LAST SATURDAY OF THE MONTH Starting at 10am FREE TO VENDORS!!!

You never realize what you have until its gone. Toilet paper is a good example!

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When you are feeling nostalgic come to

Play It Again
At Loase
Much of What You Loved About Sams In Costambar!

FREE RIDE HOME FOR COSTAMBAR RESIDENTS EATING AND/OR DRINKING AT SAMS! YOU GET HERE, WELL GET YOU HOME!
CALL FOR DETAILS

Open 10am for Breakfast Brunch And Full Menu

Tues toSat 12pm-8pm??? Sunday 10am-8pm??? Closed Mondays
Call for reservations if youwant to eat later than 8pm

SATURDAY MARCH 17 St Patricks Day Party by reservation/dinner 7pm EVERY SUNDAY 1-5pm Come and swim, play free racquetball, handball and wallyball! Come give it a try and get away from the noise and hassle of the beach!

GREAT MENU + SPECIALS! FISH & CHIPS RD$200 MEAT LOAF CURRIES & MORE!
Ocean

VILLA FOR RENT BY THE WEEK

Sams

Loase Resort

Calle Sanchez

Casa Obear/ Loase Villa