THE 6 STAGES IN SEXUAL IDENTITY FORMATION

Stage 1: Identity Confusion This stage occurs when people begin realizing that information about same-gender sexual orientation relates to them and their reactions somehow. As they realize that the personal relevance of this information cannot be ignored, they begin to experience a sense of inconsistency and incongruence in the view of their sexual selves. This period of confusion may go on for some time, during which there may be an attempt to avoid sexual activities with members of the same gender, even in the face of persistent dreams and fantasies about them. Individuals may attempt to find more information about same-gender orientation as the question Am I gay/lesbian/bisexual? is addressed. This moves them along toward the 2nd stage of identity formation. Stage 2: Identity Comparison It is during this stage that people begin to examine the broader implications of being gay, lesbian, or bisexual, as they begin to feel different from family members and peers. Nearly everyone grows up with certain heterosexual expectations and behavioural guidelines. As peoples same-gender identities develop, those expectations and guidelines are gradually given up, and there may be a profound sense of loss and grieving. Individuals who are experiencing this sense of social alienation may react in a variety of ways. They may react positively to being different and begin devaluing heterosexuality in their lives. However, they may still need to pass, or pretend heterosexuality, in order to avoid negative confrontations about their sexual orientation that they are not prepared to deal with. Many people react by rejecting a same-gender identity at this point, even though they may recognize their behaviors and inclinations toward members of their own gender. They may define their same-gender as a result of a particular relationship, of having been innocently seduced, or as only a temporary state. Another possible reaction is to devalue samegender identity because of fear of negative reactions from others. Some people at this stage turn their own confusion and internalized homophobia over personal identity into antigay and anti- lesbian attitudes and exaggerated heterosexual behavior, even though they may be covertly indulging in same-gender activities or fantasies. Men are quite likely to pursue sex with other males prior to defining themselves as gay. Stage 3: Identity Tolerance When individuals come to accept their same-sexual orientation and begin to recognize the sexual, social, and emotional needs that accompany it, an increased commitment to and tolerance for the identity emerge. Typically, there is an increased involvement with others in the lesbian or gay community, offering a support group that understands the persons concerns, more opportunity to meet partners and see positive role models, and a chance to begin feeling more at ease with the identity. This stage may be more difficult for people who are shy and lacking in social skills or who have low self-esteem and fears of having their sexual identity known to others. People whose experiences are largely negative during this stage may never progress any further in the development of same-gender sexual identity. However, those who

perceive their experiences as more positive will eventually develop enough commitment to their identity to be able to say, I am gay/lesbian/bisexual. Because there are still many forms of discrimination and homophobic sentiment, decisions must be faced about how open one wishes to be about sexual orientation. Being secretive about ones same-gender orientation has been called being in the closet. The process of allowing oneself to acknowledge same-gender attractions and then express them to others has been called coming out of the closet. How far a gay man, lesbian, or bisexual individual will come out, and to whom, depends on a variety of factors, one of the most crucial being her or his degree of self-acceptance. Some feel that it is crucial to share sexual orientation with friends and family members; whereas others feel that it is more a personal matter that is irrelevant to others. Decisions about coming out must be weighed with care, and the possibility of negative or hurtful consequences considered. Many people have found, however, that others can accept their same-gender sexual orientation comfortably. Teenagers who are gay are coming out at younger ages than was formerly the case, and it is not unusual for high school students to become more open and activist about their samegender sexual orientation. Stage 4: Identity Acceptance This stage occurs when people accept a self-image as lesbian, gay, or bisexual rather than simply tolerating it and when they have continuing and increased contact with gay and lesbian culture. There is a positive identification with others who have a same-gender orientation. The attitudes and lifestyles of these other people can play a significant role in determining how comfortable individuals are in expressing their own identity. If they associate with others who feel that a same-gender orientation is fully legitimate, then this is the attitude that will mostly be adopted. As selfacceptance increases, people move toward stage 5. Stage 5: Identity Pride By this point in their identity formation, people with a same-gender are not as likely to be using heterosexuality as the standard by which they judge themselves and the behavior of others. As they identify more with the gay and lesbian community, pride in the accomplishments of that community deepens. Sometimes people in this stage become activists in political movements to fight discrimination and homophobia, and there may be more confrontations with the heterosexual establishment. For many, this is an angry stage. Efforts to conceal ones sexual orientation are increasingly abandoned, and selected family members and coworkers may be informed. Because of prevailing social attitudes, people may be alarmed to discover that a spouse, parent, sibling, or friend is bisexual, gay, or lesbian. Some people react to such a discovery with fear and loathing, others with blame and guilt, still others with tolerance, understanding, sensitivity, and acceptance. It is quite typical for parents, upon discovering that a son or daughter is gay or lesbian, to blame themselves and wonder what we did wrong. Yet, there is no solid evidence to support the belief that parental behavioral influences are important in the formation of sexual orientation. Coming out to parents and other family members remains one of the greatest challenges to gay men and lesbian women as they consolidate their personal identity.

Many parents come to accept the sexual identity of their child. There are other unfortunate cases, however, in which the lesbian daughter or gay son is excluded from the family. This reaction only intensifies feelings of guilt and rejection. Whether individuals move to the final stage of sexual identity formation is often determined by the reaction of significant others to the disclosure of their orientation. If there are mostly negative reactions, the person may only feel more confirmed in his or her belief that heterosexuals represent the opposition and are not to be trusted. If the reactions tend toward the positive and accepting, the individuals may well be able to move. Stage 6: Identity Synthesis In this final stage, people realize that the world is not divided into us (gays, lesbians, and bisexuals) and them (heterosexuals). Not all heterosexuals need to be viewed negatively and not all people with same-gender orientation positively. The anger that is so often experienced in stage 5 is reduced, and the gay, lesbian, and bisexual aspects of ones identity may be fully integrated with other aspects of self and personality. The identity formation process is complete. Which stage are you in? Reference: Kelly, G.F. (2006) Sexuality Today: the Human Perspective. McGraw-Hill publishers. By Fitsum Kamal (Zegamatters)