Farrell

1 A Squirrels Tale Lets go ahead and get the weird stuff out of the way first and foremost. I am a squirrel and I am addressing you, a human. Yes, anonymous reader, a talking squirrel. You know, one of those cheeky, little guys that spend their days rooting around, well, the roots, looking for weird little stuff like nuts and berries? Those pesky, little fellows that always look like their rubbing their hands together all evil and coniving-like? Yea, I am one of those cunning, little bastards, and I can talk. Now, if youre thinking to yourself, Holy Hand Grenade! How is a squirrel talking to me right now?well, good for you, because that is totally natural. I mean, when in the history of human existence has man ever communicated with an animal? A long time ago, like longer ago than you could even begin to fathom with your thick skull (no offense I dont aim to call you stupid or anything, just speaking relatively to the size of my own head; and if I did offend you, I mean you could totally jab me back about my species tiny dicksyou guys are self-conscious about that stuff, right? Oh and sorry about going so far off topic, but you see, we squirrels as Im sure youre aware we have this seriously tiny attention span, like a deer in headlights on speed, or meth or whatever drugs you idiots ruin your lives with; really, we could literally be about to get run over by some gas-guzzling Chrystler, and then we will notice a tossed-aside, crumpled-up Coke can and just stop and think about how its a shame people in Prince Georges County, Maryland litter so much on the side of the road before finally jumping out of the way at the last second.), people and animals used to get along famously. We all spoke the same language, literally and figurativelylike, for example, a baboon could roll up to a person, such as yourself, and talk to him about how the new tail in town is looking fine as hell, and the person (provided he was one of those creepy dudes who liked his ass

Farrell 2 as red as a fire truck) would totally agree. Sorry, I digress again. Anyway, this story is about when we all used to talk the same: squirrels, birds, ants, people, and the rest of the worlds creatures. You name it. As you can imagine, it was quite a time. Quick sidenote, I hate the title of this tale Damn it, story, I should say as much as you do. A Squirrels Tale. That sucks. Puns are not cool. They are not punny, as some of you nerdy humans say, they are cheap and stupid. I mean it; I really hated having to read William Shakesbear or Ostrich Wilde or anyone else who relied on puns to get their point across in squirrel school. But, yea, the story is called A Squirrels Tale because my great-great-greatgreat-great-etc.-squirrel ancestor, who also serves as the storys protagonist, was a squirrelly dweeb and he thought itd be cute to have such a clever title (lets be honest, though: he clearly just wanted to credit the squirrel race for keeping the story of the entire animal kingdomwhich I am totally fine with, by the wayand I also wonder, you know with our short attention spans and all, if we could remember the ENTIRE story of Earth without writing ourselves into it as the main characters while also giving it some silly, squirrel name). Okay: Sorry, here is the story. ...

The Sycamore Branches My great-great-great-great-great-etc.-squirrel ancestors name was Squirrel Jr., and if you can imagine, his mothers name was Squirrel Wife, and his fathers just plain, old, Squirrel, if you can believe that, too. The family lived at a time of great prosperity and even greater change. Squirrel Jr. and his parents lived on the lowest branch of the tallest Sycamore tree in the forest. Technically, the Sycamore was just outside the forest, a few yards out into the field, amongst

Farrell 3 some other trees. It looked like an island of smaller trees with the mammoth Sycamore standing proud in the middle. Under the Sycamore, Ant, the ant, worked feverishly on his home among the roots, Squirrel Jr. would play and his father would look for nuts, as Boy, the human child, looked up in amazement. This particular Sycamore had exactly 100 branches: some were large and strong, and they housed several animals (like Squirrel and his family, or the Chipmunks); others were small and brittle and sheltered only a few animals (like Sloth, the sloth, who lived alone), but they were higher than the other branches, and the animals who lived there felt very priviliged for the breath-taking views they were given. Often animals like Sloth, the sloth, would trade places every couple weeks so that everyone got a chance to live in the higher branches for at least a short while. According to Squirrel Jr., the Sycamore was guarded by Eagle, the only eagle for hundreds of miles, who, because of his hunting abilities (and the fact that he discovered the tree with his unmatched sight) sat perched on top of the tree. On the branch underneath Eagle lived Owl, a wise and cunning bird who was rarely seen and instead hid safely in the brush, often bending Eagles on how to improve life amongst the Sycamore Branches. Together the two birds governed the tree and implemented The Nut Policy, which stated all animals who wished to live in the Sycamore had to pay a tax of one nut a week, which would be stored in the hole carved by Termite, the termite, in case the food that Eagle caught ever ran out (it never had). The hole was guarded by Woodrow, the woodpecker, who got loved his job because he got his jollies from pecking the softened wood left by Termite. The Sycamore was filled with animals who paid their dues: Gorilla, the gorilla, Bear, the bear, etc. And then there was Chip, the chipmunk, and Chimp, the chimpanzee. And I know what

Farrell 4 youre thinking; and yes, they were always mistaken. So, eventually the Sycamorecans, as they began to call themselves, started calling Chip, Little C and Chimp, Big C. This went on smoothly until Little C was wrongfully diagnosed with cancer by Dr. Raccoon, a possum who was orphaned at a young age and subsequently raised by a family of raccoons (the poor thing never knew the wiser on account of his poor sight, so Dr. Raccoon it forever was). At any rate, Dr. Raccoon, the possum, found a lump in the tiny rodents tummy, what he believed to be a malignant tumor in Little C, and word spread through the tree like wildfire (no pun intended) that Little C had the Big C in his stomach, so everyone assumed that the community chipmunk had the trees chimpanzee lodged in his belly. But, after Dr. Raccoons assistant, Cat, the feral cat, scanned Little C, everyone calmed down because the tumor turned out to be just a rotten, old berry that wouldnt digest properly. But, thats neither here nor there. Wait, where was I again?

The Sycamorecan Dream The Nut Policy worked well, and on every branch there was at least one animal; and at least one of every animal lived within the Sycamore Branchesthat is to say, every animal but one: man. Man, the man, his wife, Woman, and their son, Boy, did not fit in among the other Sycamorecans. They were lanky and awkward, and couldnt fit well on any of the branches. Man and his family were relegated to live at the forest floor, at the trees trunk, protected by the canopy above, but vulnerable to the predators of the jungle. To protect his family, Man built a sturdy house of fallen timber from throughout the forest. Eagle and Owl did not like this. I dont like this, Eagle said.

Farrell 5 I dont like this, either, replied Owl. Boy sat under the tree every day with his back to the trunk and watched as Squirrel scoured the land for nuts, and Squirrel Jr. played at the humans feet. Sometimes the two young animals would talk. Once, Boy asked, When are you going to stop playing and start searching for nuts like your father? Squirrel Jr. responded, Whenever you stop sitting under our tree all day and start building your home with your father. After pausing and playing with the grass for a second, Boy formulated another question. Have you ever been to the top of the Sycamore? Boy asked. Yes, I have, Squirrel Jr. responded. Many times. It is wonderful. One day, I will stand atop this mighty tree like Eagle does, and I will look at the beautiful landscape. You couldnt get all the way to the top if your life depended on it, Squirrel Jr. responded, jovially. Youd wet yourself before you even got off the ground. The two young animals laughed. This kind of interaction was normal for the fast-growing friends. Each day (weather permitting) Squirrel went out and came home with a nut or without one; and regardless, Boy was fascinated and impressed by his tireless work ethic. He sat in quiet amazement at the great lengths that Squirrel would travel through the forest to find just one acorn.

Farrell 6 One day, Squirrel decided to take Squirrel Jr. with him on his quest for the weeks nut tax; they were to be gone all day. Without his friend at his feet and therefore, nobody to talk to or play with, Boy decided to ask his father if he needed help with building the house. Man said, Son, youre too young to build. It is too dangerous. Boy nodded, disappointed. Am I too young to find you timber to use for the house? he offered, instead. Man smiled, and shook his head, indicating to his son that he liked the idea. Go out and look for fallen timber, make sure it is strong and healthy, he said to his son. Boy nodded and said that he understood, then ran off into the forest. Boy spent the entire day looking for usable timber and his furry friends. He never found Squirrel Jr. and his father, but he did see many other Sycamorecans at work, searching for acorns. He noticed Little C scurrying, panicking, looking for any trace of a nut, and Big C strutting, walking around confidently, with an acorn in his palm; Cat had an acorn in her mouth, and Baboon glumly returned towards the tree without the weeks tax worked out yet. The only animal Boy stopped was Sloth, who was slowly working his way through the vegetation at the bottom of the trees, looking for fallen nuts. How many you got? Boy asked him. Sloth told him to speak slower and repeat himself. Hoooooowwwww mmmmaaaannnnyyyy youuu ggooootttt? Boy repeated. Sloth told him that he had four but he had hoped for at least five. Why? Boy asked. He kicked himself for forgetting. Whhhhhyyyyyyyy sssooooo mmmmaaannnnnyyy? he repeated, again.

Farrell 7 Sloth told him that it takes him so long to leave the Sycamore that he has to gather many nuts at a time so he doesnt have to find one every month. Man stood quietly, his hammer instrument (a rock) in hand. After a few seconds of staring blankly at his tiny son, he said proudly, Thats a brilliant idea, son. Go ahead. Go find the acorns. Boy smiled and turned to run towards the forest when his father shouted to him. Wait a minute, son, he called, glowingly smiling from ear to ear. Boy had never seen him like this. I want you to do something with the nuts that you find. What do you mean, father? Man began working on a deep square hole, to be three feet deep, and three feet wide, on the exterior of their home, away from the trunk of the tree. He motioned towards the growing ditch. I want you to pile them in here, okay? Every last one of them. Boy looked at his father, confused why did he want to keep all of the nuts he found? Man had no use for them, so far as he could tell, and his best friend Squirrel Jr. worked so hard looking for them. He shook it off and skipped into the forest, eyes peeled for any acorns lying about that he could pick. Boy scoured the forest floor, the low-hanging branches, and the brush for traces of nuts he could collect. He found one immediately lodged in the thicket of a raspberry bush; it was stuck and seemingly immovable. But, Boy grabbed a stick and a second later, poked the acorn free. It fell to his bare feet. Minutes later, he found another nut, buried underneath a thin layer of grass and kindling, invisible to the naked eye. Boy smiled as he thought how much of a natural he was at this sport.

Farrell 8 That evening, Boy came home, having found over thirty acorns, and placed them all in the hole as his father had requested. The acorns fell into the floor of the hole and arranged into a thin carpet of nuts that did not even fill half of the surface area available. Woman told him that she had woven a cover of leaves to place over top of the hole to make sure nobody took from them. As Boy placed the cover over the hole, he noticed Squirrel Jr. and his father returning to the Sycamore, empty-handed, exhausted from a day spent all over the forest floor. Man put his hand on Boys shoulder and patted it proudly. He was happy with his sons work that day, so happy, in fact that he told him to go out and do the very same thing the next day. And so, Boy did. And the day after that. And for every day after that for an entire month. Soon, the hole had been filled completely, and the pile of acorns had climbed so high that it formed a mound that made the cover look like the outer layer of a raked pile of leaves. To the animals above, the leaves looked innocent and harmless; like housekeeping left out by the tenants down below, they thought nothing of it.

To the Canopy and Beyond Many months passed, and Mans home had several covered holes for storage surrounding it, while the animals of the mighty Sycamore had almost fully depleted their emergency stash of nuts. Eagle was away all the time, hunting for somethinganything to help feed his struggling neighborhood, and Owl was always busy trying to explain to the other animals what exactly was going wrong. At the foot of the tree, Boy had grown older in a considerably short amount of time, and Squirrel Jr., when he would cross paths would his old friend, often mistook him for his father.

Farrell 9 Every day as Boy scoured the forest for nuts and came home with a basketful, Man would make additions to the house. Soon the house reached almost completely around the base of the tree, and there was only a small space for the animals to climb the trunk to their homes. One evening, as Squirrel Jr. played in the field away from the Sycamore, Boy wandered over to spend time with his friend. They played tag, running through the tall grasses, weaving in and out of the outskirts of the trees. Boy was always it. It was just like old times. Then, Man called Boys name and directed him over to their newly renovated estate. From high in the tree, Squirrel Jr. could hear a bizarre ruccus among the animals. Man brought his son in close and told him sternly, Son, I dont want you hanging out with that squirrel anymore. Do you understand? Boy tried to respond but his father cut him off. Do you understand? You are to only focus on harvesting your acorns and helping your mother and me. Boy nodded, quietly. Above in the tree, there was shouting; accusations of incidents, hints, allegations, and accidentsanything to explain this food drought and hard times the Sycamore had come upon. Little C called out Sloth for coming home empty-handed, Big C screamed at Parrot for being all talk and not carrying his own weight, Squirrel yelled at Eagle for the lack of rations to go around, and Owl just shook his head. The Sycamore was in big trouble. We need these nuts, son, Man said to Boy. It is not safe to live under the tree like we do. It is not safe, and it is not desirable. But father, Boy responded, We have such a large home now. We have several rooms, so many rooms that we do not even use, and we take up almost all of the trees large trunk.

Farrell 10 Where would you rather live, son: the floor, with all the bugs and dirt, or the canopy, with the breezes, and views of open air? But, father, Boy said again. We deserve better, Boy, his father said in a tone that struck fear in the young boys heart. We deserve to live in the tree with the rest of the animals; we deserve to live above them. You have shown you are the best at finding acorns, and I am the only one who can build. We are smarter than them. We are better than them, son. And we deserve to live that way. And with that, Man walked around the Sycamore to the open part of the trunk and ascended into the branches. But, these animals are our friends, Boy said to himself as he watched his father climb until he was out of site. Below, he took off the cover of one of his holes and looked at the abundance of nuts, finally understanding why his father had him find them all if they would just sit there for so long. Boy felt a presence standing behind him so he turned to find Squirrel Jr. looking at the pile of acorns. Boy opened his mouth to say something but Squirrel Jr. turned and darted off in unspeakable betrayal. Up in the branches, Man listened to the tree hall meeting as it has since been coined, waiting for his moment to chime in. After Eagle and Owl had said their closing remarks, he cleared his throat, announcing his presence. Man, what are you doing all the way up here? asked Eagle. In short, I am here to help, he responded. How can you help? Owl asked, skeptically. The other animals listened quietly, intently. I know you all are running short on food supply. And I know why. There was a brief pause as the animals created a rumbling, talking to themselves.

Farrell 11 Its your leadership, Man began, Eagle and Owl dont know what they are doing anymore, they cannot protect you like they used to. Eagle and Owl sat quietly, brooding with anger as the foreigner continued. Your Nut Policy worked at first, Eagle, Man said. But, times have changed. It is inefficient now, we need a more complex model if we are going to live peacefully together. Eagle began to retort, but Sloth jumped in (slowly), Waaaaaiiitttt lllllleeeettttt hhiiiiimmmm ffiiinnnniiissshhh. For the past several months, my son has gathered many nuts a day and stored them in holes around our house, Man said. The animals gasped, some in horror that Man had been so greedy, some grateful that their food source had been found. Regardless their reasons, the animals were riled up: Woodrow pecked on the wood extra hard, Big C drummed on the branches with twigs, and Cat passed out and fell backward (only to acrobatically catch himself on the branch below, sticking the landing). Thats right, we have all the food, not because we need it. But, because it makes the most sense that way. Eagle finally managed to get a word in: We cannot seriously be listening to this tyrants demands? Man, you are not welcome here after such treachery, Owl backed up. Shouldnt we hear what he has to offer first? Little C asked. The animals all agreed, against the pleas of Eagle and Owl. I propose that all living situations in the Sycamore are arranged by me, instead of Eagle, Man began. And instead of the Nut Policy, I propose we divide the labor to a more complex model; one that allows us to more efficiently exist by using our own talents to our

Farrell 12 advantage. For example, Little C, you are an efficient nut forageryou would keep your job, and your life would not change that much. But, you Sloth, you are slow and almost useless. However, you can see and you have great secondary sensesyou could earn your stay as watchman. Cat, you are nimble and quickyou would make a great scout. You see: everyone would get their own job; the only difference being that you report to me, and you live on a certain branch depending on the importance of your job. As the animals let this speech sink in, Eagle and Owl deliberated to themselves. After a quick minute, Eagle cleared his throat and delivered his retort. Beware of Man, he began. Owl and I dont trust what he says, and we believe he does not care if this plan fails. He has alterior motives here. This plan is too big to fail, Man stated. And yes if I am being honest, I do want to move my family off of the ground and into a more safe environment inside the tree itself. But, of course you would try to black-ball it, Eagle, you are the one losing his total power here. What I am proposing is more of a republic. Ha! Eagle cackled. Your words are sinister and the fact that you believe them is even scarier. Animals, my friends, if you agree to Mans proposal, then Owl and I will have no other choice than to fly away and find a more suitable tree to make our home. Please do not give into this greedy devils demands.

Occupy Tall Tree Long story short, Eagle and Owl fled town because the animals sided with Man and all his luscious acorns. And an even longer story short, the Sycamore saw a time of expansion and

Farrell 13 great prosperity. Man had deposited all of the nuts into a centralized burrough that Boy had dug on the side of the nearby river called, The Bank, and acorns no longer served as currency. Instead, Man invented a new tradable vallue called, Collateralized Duty Organizations (CDOs), which he explained during a tree-wide conference:

The CDO is an individual assignment that decrees each animal a sole responsibility to me and the rest of the Sycamore. The more valuable your CDO, as determined by me, the better your placement on the tree, quality of food, other benefits, etc. If you want to increase the value of your CDO, speak to me, and we can consider improving your placement on the Sycamore. However, if you fail to meet the obligation of your CDO, your placement on the tree will be demoted, and in some circumstances revoked completely (I dont foresee this happening). As your president and protector, I will live with my family on the highest branch in a house that will suit us comfortably and safely. Each day I will hunt for the sycamore and provide food much like Eagle in the last regime. Together, we can make the Sycamore great again!

At first, The Time of the CDO, as it had come to be known, yielded prosperous results. Wolf patrolled the bottom of the tree, Sloth kept watch, and Cat scouted the area for hunting and other foods for the the other inhabitants. Animals were doing things they were good at, and the Sycamore ran smoothly. Man had finished his home at the top of the tree, and Boy finally got to see the view from the top. Hummer, the Hummingbird, lived on the branch below Man and his CDO was simply to harvest pollen so that the Sycamore could exchange it with the bees for honey (a delicacy for Man and Bear). He was the most decadent Sycamorecan (other than Man, of course) throughout

Farrell 14 the Summer months; but when Winter came, Hummer found himself on hard times. Unable to fulfill his CDO, he was relegated to the bottom most Branch, becoming next-door neighbors to Possum, the possum (the new guy, no relation to Dr. Raccoon). With the next highest branch now available, Man increased a couple CDOs in an effort to revitalize the Sycamores dip in commerce, while also increasing the size of his own house. He called Woodrow and increased CDO to include softening the newly vacated wood, as well as Gorilla to help him with the heavy lifting in preparation for the new renovations. Each animal completed his task and moved up one branch in the Sycamore. Time passed, and animals moved up and down the Sycamore branches, and occasionally, residents claimed theyd seen Eagle and Owl hovering above, watching over them. Eventually, though, animals stopped moving up, because the highest they could get was right below Mans bottom floor (which was now almost ten branches from the top). At the beginning of The Time of the CDO, this prime real estate was only middle of the pack, and the animals who lived their had average CDOs. Now, after all the upheaval and moving from the animals, the second-richest animal, Gorilla (the de facto contractor) lived on a mediocre branch, paying an enormous CDO. His CDO was enormous because animals couldnt move up anymore more, both physically and economically. There was no room, nor could they afford it. So, the only animals who prospered in their work were Man and Gorilla. This was a precarious situation, however, because as more animals were relegated to lower branches, Man tried to expand his home. But because of Gorillas growing business, he could always meet his quota, and he never lost his branch, forcing Man to build around him. By this time, Man had hired someone for a cheap CDO to deal with the CDO discussions directly, and he no longer talked to the other animals face to face. This made it much easier when

Farrell 15 he started asking ridiculous values for very undesirable branches. At one point, Man assigned Father, the praying mantis, the CDO of a written guarantee that he and his family would be allowed into heaven, in exchange for a crappy, four square inch spot on the lowest branch in the Sycamore (usually he just asked Father for a free pass with a little sin like looking at the baboons with impure thoughts; so, this was a new level). Father was a humble praying mantis and accepted the position, but thats beside the point. As time wore on, every animal lived on the bottom branch except for Man and Gorilla. This disgusted Man that he shared this tree with an ape, and he tried viciously to find a way to get the Gorilla out. One day, when Boy and Woman were out visiting family in the nearby forest, Man figured out what he was going to do. He settled on the fact that because no more animals were moving up or down, Gorilla had no more work as a contractor and therefore could not reach his CDO quota. As incentive to finish the building, however, Man came up with the generous offer of letting Gorilla live on the bottom branch with the rest of the animals. When Gorilla finished his build, Man thanked him and told him to go to his new branch location. As Gorilla descended the Sycamore, Man kicked his legs out and smiled. He, alone, was the proud owner of 99 out of 100 branches in the most desirable Sycamore on the planet. His tree mansion was so tall and proud, that it looked like one of those skyscrapers you see on Wall Street today. Gorilla made it to the bottom branch and when he landed on it, he heard a loud crack. The thick branch could not support the weight of all the animals and it slowly started to split. The creatures scurried and screamed as their home began to tear apart. Some jumped to the ground only a few feet below, others scratched at Mans home begging for him to let them in. In the end, the branch collapsed, and every animal fell to the Sycamores roots.

Farrell 16 Outraged by their current situation the animals gathered under the tree and discussed their next course of action. Some animals preached pacifism and urged the group to move on without retaliation. Others wanted vengeance and to destroy Mans illustrious home. The angry mob mentality won, and the animals prepared to take back their tree. Branch by branch, the group stormed up the tree, snapping each floor easier than the one before, until finally, they reached floor 100. Without letting him talk his way out of it, Gorilla quickly disposed of Man, throwing him from the top branch out into the field, the fall killing him upon impact. There was only one branch left, and since the rest of the animals were safely at the bottom of the Sycamore, Gorilla snapped the final branch like a twig, and then slid himself safely to the bottom. The Sycamore stood, an enormous, erect trunk without any branches or twigs, like Mother Natures own Washington Monument: a strong, resolute symbol stripped down to its core, a shell of its former self.

In a Nut Shell If youre wondering what came of Boy and Woman, I dont know and frankly, I dont care. Maybe they came back, discovered Mans body and flipped a shit, maybe they didnt; I dont know. What I do know is that, after Gorilla returned to the floor of the Sycamore, he held a brief conference with all the animals, where he told everyone, including my great-great-greatgreat-great-etc.-squirrel ancestor, the following rules that no animal has broken to this day: 1. Animal is to no longer talk to human. No exceptions. 2. Humans are not are friends. We do not help them. No exceptions.

Farrell 17 Yea, smart-ass, you are right. Dog wasnt at the meeting. I dont know where he was. He was probably off licking his own balls or chasing a firefly thinking he was on acid or something stupid like that. And thats why he is your only best friend. But, youre missing the point. Because of Mans actionshis greedy, unregelated, hand-in-the-cookie-jar actions, we do not talk to you anymore, we do not want to help you anymore, and we sure as hell dont like you anymore. Think about it. Thats why birds shit on your cars every chance they get and bears try to kill you whenever you hippies are out living off the land. We hate you, like really hate you. I mean its more contentious and fundamental than that Israel and Palestine thing (which I dont get either). In fact, thatd be a great allegory to write: talking animals representing the failings of the human condition in terms of Israel and Palestine. Write that down. You shouldnt worry about it, though, you know? Its not your fault that you are all a bunch of self-serving pricks bent on getting rich; because, as Lady Bug Gaga made famous back in the day, Baby you were born this way. But, that doesnt mean you assholes are off the hook.