THANK THE ACADEMY Written by Aurelio Kim Copyright 2011

201-220-0362 Akim119@gmail.com

INT. CHASES OFFICE CHASE CARPENTER, a middle aged hot-shot dressed in a suit prepares to give a speech in front of a mirror while holding a piece of paper. CHASE (clears throat) Id like to thank the Academy for bestowing this award... (talks to self) Bestowing? Does anyone use that word anymore? OK... (beat) Id like to thank the Academy for this great honor. Ever since I was a little boy, Ive always wanted to win an Oscar because I thought it was made out of chocolate and wrapped in gold foil... (talks to self) God that was bad... STACY, Chases young and attractive assistant knocks on his door and peaks her head in. STACY Sorry, I know you said to hold all your calls but I have Terrence Cohen on the line and he said its really important. CHASE Terrence? If its that important he better being calling me to announce that hes dead... put him through. STACY OK. Chase carefully folds his paper, puts it into his jacket pocket and walks over to his desk and turning on his speaker phone.

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CHASE Terrence you old sack of shit, you better be calling me from your funeral. INTERCUT with Terrences office. TERRENCE COHEN, an arrogant older gentlemen dressed in a suit is sitting in his nicely appointed office and is talking on the speaker phone. TERRENCE Now is that any way to greet someone who calls to congratulate you? INTERCUT with Chases office. CHASE Congratulate me? For what? INTERCUT with Terrences office. TERRENCE For getting nominated by the Academy of course, I believe its what, your fifth time? INTERCUT with Chases office. CHASE Thanks but no thanks, I can sense your pathetic excuse for sarcasm right through the phone. INTERCUT with Terrences office. TERRENCE You know I really hope you win this time, I cant tell you how incredible it is to see a statue of an Oscar in your office.

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Terrence looks at the three Oscars for Best Picture sitting on his cabinet across from his desk. INTERCUT with Chases office. CHASE Thats it! Chase rips the phone off his desk and throws it at his window, but the window is closed, Chase opens the window and throws out the phone. CHASE (CONTD) Fuck you Terrence!

EXT. CHASES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Two people are walking outside and the phone hits one of them on the head, knocking the person unconscious.

INT. CHASES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS CHASE Stacy! Stacy comes into the office with a brand new replacement phone for Chase.

EXT. CHASES OFFICE / PARKING LOT - LATER DANNY JEFFRIES, a care free middle aged man drives into the parking lot and parks his Aston Martin convertible. Danny looks up at the office building and walks in.

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INT. CHASES OFFICE / STACYS DESK - CONTINUOUS DANNY Excuse me, but I was pointed in this direction. Would you know where Chase Carpenters office is? STACY Im his assistant. His office is right here. Do you have an appointment? DANNY No, Im a close friend of his from school. STACY Oh, OK, let me call him to let him know youre here. DANNY Actually, I came by to surprise him. Is anyone in his office now? STACY No, but... Danny puts his finger on his lips so as to keep things quiet. Danny walks toward Chases office and cracks the door open, trying not to be seen.

INT. CHASES OFFICE - CONTINUOUS DANNY (O.S.) Are you serious? That movie sucks! Everyone knows Chase Carpenters film should have won! This is an outrage!

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CHASE (looks toward door) Who the hell? Danny pops into Chases office. DANNY Come on, man, you didnt recognize my voice? CHASE Danny? You son of a bitch. Chase walks over and they slap hands and hug. DANNY Nice place you got here, Mr. Big Shot Director. CHASE Man, what brings you here? DANNY Can I have a seat? Got something I want to talk to you about. CHASE Yeah, sure. Danny and Chase sit down. DANNY Well, remember last time we spoke a few months ago? I was running that energy drink company. CHASE Yeah, of course, Niagara Beverages right?

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DANNY Thats right. Well the news isnt public yet but a big name pharmaceutical company is buying my company because of its stimulating properties. CHASE Get out of here! So its true that your drink turned out to be some kind of male enhancer huh? DANNY I still cant believe it myself. Guess how much they offered me? CHASE How much? DANNY Five hundred million. CHASE (shocked) What the fuck! You serious? DANNY Im serious. CHASE Holy shit! (beat) And you came here to share your wealth with your friend, right? DANNY I guess you can say that. Hey, remember how much fun we had when we were in school? CHASE Oh yeah. I miss New York. It was the best.

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DANNY Remember that time we were filming a movie and you threw me down the stairs in a shopping cart? FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. NEW YORK CITY / CENTRAL PARK - DAY TITLE ON SCREEN: 10 YEARS AGO Danny is inside of a shopping cart holding a video camera and Chase is holding the cart. CHASE You ready to do this? DANNY Ready. There is an actor dressed in a police uniform and another actor with a ski-mask on, waiting on the grass. CHASE (to actors) You ready? The two actors give a thumbs up to Chase. CHASE (CONTD) Ready... action! Chase starts to push Danny in the shopping cart on the pavement as he is filming. The actor in the police uniform is chasing the actor with the ski-mask on across the grass. Chase is pushing the cart as fast as he can. They approach a downward slope and Chase cant keep up. The cart gets away from him.

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There is a small flight of stairs at the end of the pavement. CHASE (CONTD) Holy shit! The shopping cart goes flying down the stairs and Danny tumbles to the ground. Chase runs after the cart and picks up the camera that is lying next to Danny, who is groaning in pain on the ground. CHASE (CONTD) (checking camera) Did you get it, Danny? Danny is still groaning in pain, and there is a little blood on his forehead. DANNY I think Im bleeding. CHASE (checking camera) Yes! You got it! Great work Danny. BACK TO PRESENT CHASE (CONTD) Come on you still havent forgiven me for that? DANNY Im still thinking about it, and how about that time at the First Run Film Festival? FLASHBACK TO:

INT. TISCH SCHOOL OF FILM AUTOTORIUM - NIGHT TITLE ON SCREEN: 9 YEARS AGO

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Chase and Danny are sitting next to each other wearing tuxedo T-shirts. CHASE There is no way were going to lose. All the other movies sucked compared to ours. DANNY I think theyre going to announce it right now. The AWARD PRESENTER walks out on stage. AWARD PRESENTER We would like to thank everyone for coming out to the first run film festival. Weve seen some amazing work from our students this year and we wish them nothing but the best in their future endeavors. Now the moment youve all been waiting for. The first prize for the undergraduate Wasserman award goes to... The Award Presenter slowly opens the envelope. CHASE Here we go. AWARD PRESENTER The award goes to Christian Kamen for Under the Bright Lights. CHASE (raising up his arms) Yes! DANNY Chase, what are you doing? We didnt win.

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CHASE (confused) What? It cant be. Then who the hell won? DANNY Chris Kantor did. CHASE What? (stands up) That movie sucks! Danny tries to calm Chase down as everyone in the audience is appalled. CHASE (CONTD) Are you people blind? This is an outrage! BACK TO PRESENT CHASE (CONTD) Be honest. Didnt you think we should have won? DANNY Yeah but you went a little overboard dont you think? CHASE I still think Chriss movie sucked.

EXT. CHASES OFFICE / PARKING LOT Chase walks Danny out to the parking lot. CHASE So you really serious about this?

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DANNY Dead serious. You know how long Ive been wanting to produce and youre a kick-ass director. After the sale of my company, Ill be able to finance your next five movies. CHASE You sure you want to work with me? You know I can get a little crazy. DANNY Its me, Danny. I put with your crap all throughout school. Well be great together. Danny sticks out his hand. CHASE OK then. Chase shakes Danny hand. DANNY Hey, by the way have you ever tried any of my drinks? CHASE Ive been meaning to, but theyre always sold out. DANNY Its because of their magical properties. The FDA was thinking about banning them. Danny opens his car truck and takes out a Niagara drink can from a small cooler and hands it to Chase. DANNY (CONTD) Try it.

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CHASE Alright. Chase opens the can and takes a sip, then makes a disgusted face. DANNY What do you think? CHASE That is nasty. It tastes like a gatorade mixed with cigarette ash. DANNY Give it a minute. CHASE Give a minute for what? Two young ladies walk past Chase and giggle. CHASE (CONTD) What are they laughing at? DANNY Look down below. Chase has an erection that is showing throw his pants. CHASE What the hell! Chase bends down and walks behind a car as Danny is laughing. CHASE (CONTD) Whats in this thing?! DANNY I told you its magical.

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INT. CHASES HOUSE - NIGHT Chase is in his home office, sitting at his desk marking up a piece of paper. ERIN, Chases witty middle-aged wife walks into the room holding a red dress on a hanger in one hand and a blue dress on a hanger in the other hand. ERIN So what do you think? Which one do you like? CHASE Lets see... the blue one. ERIN You dont like the red one? CHASE OK, the red one then. ERIN Come on be honest. CHASE I told you its the blue one. You know what? They both look great on you. How about that? ERIN Good answer. What are you working on. CHASE My acceptance speech for the Oscars. I feel it. This is my year. Ive been treated like the Susan Lucci of film but Im willing to forgive the Academy if I win this year.

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ERIN Seriously, you do not need some gold statue to validate you a great director. CHASE Maybe, but how can you call someone great if they havent been officially recognized as the best? ERIN You know, Ive been doing a little research on that. How about Charlie Chaplin, Alfred Hitchcock, Stanley Kubrick, Orson Welles? None of them never won. CHASE Hmm... (beat) Damn it. ERIN Oh, Im sorry I didnt mean it like that, honey. I really hope you win this time. CHASE Thanks... hey, by the way, remember Danny Jeffries? ERIN Sounds familiar. Didnt you go to school with him? CHASE Yeah, the other day he shows up at my office and tells me he made millions after he sold his beverage company, and now hes going to be the executive producer for my next few movies. Isnt that great?

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ERIN Wow! That is great. CHASE Im thinking about inviting him to the Oscars with us. Is that OK? ERIN Yeah sure. Is he the one owned Niagara Beverages? I saw something on the news that some drug company bought it. CHASE Yep, thats the one. ERIN Really? (beat) Ive heard about those drinks and their side effects. CHASE Actually, Danny gave me a case to try out. They taste like crap, but that side effect really hits you hard. Erin starts to walk out of the room. ERIN (aroused) Im going to be in the bedroom. Bring in some of those drinks with you. Chase gets up from his desk and walks quickly after Erin. CHASE Yes maam!

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I/E. CHASES CAR - DAY Chase drives in his car, talking to Danny on his cell phone. CHASE (into phone) So, what do you say? DANNY (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) You serious? The Oscars? Hell yeah Ill go with you! CHASE (into phone) Great, Ill pick you up this Sunday. Chase sees a police car flashing his lights in the rear view mirror. CHASE (CONTD) (into phone) Shit! DANNY (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) Whats wrong? CHASE (into phone) Cop is pulling me over. I gotta go. Chase hangs up his phone and pulls his car over. The police car stops behind Chase and a big tall male POLICE OFFICER gets out of the car and walks toward Chases driver side window. CHASE (CONTD) (rolling down window) Officer, how you doing today?

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POLICE OFFICER Sir, the reason I pulled you over was that you were talking on a cell phone while driving. CHASE Oh... you saw that huh? POLICE OFFICER Yes, I did. May I please see your license, registration, and proof of insurance please? Chase pulls out his license from his wallet, takes some other documents from his glove compartment and hands it all to the Police Officer. CHASE Here you go. POLICE OFFICER (looking at license) Wait... youre Chase Carpenter? CHASE Yep, thats me. POLICE OFFICER Man, I loved Precinct Twenty Four, that has to be one of my favorite movies. CHASE Really? POLICE OFFICER Oh yeah. CHASE Listen, before you start writing me a ticket, have you ever been in a movie before?

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EXT. KODAK THEATER / RED CARPET - NIGHT In a sea of reporters and photographers, Chase, Erin and Danny are walking down the red carpet on the night of the Academy Awards. MELISSA RIVERS is on hand interviewing celebrities as they come down the red carpet. She calls out to Chase to get his attention. MELISSA Chase! Chase followed by Erin and Danny walks over to Melissa. MELISSA (CONTD) So, Chase, we all know this is a big night for you. Youve been nominated five consecutive years for Best Director and Best Picture by the academy but youve yet to take home the prize. Are you nervous about tonight? CHASE Me nervous? Come on, like I always say, the fifth times a charm. MELISSA That sounds very familiar to what you said last year. CHASE Oh, when I said the fourth times a charm? (laughs) Well, yeah, I gotta win it sooner or later, right? MELISSA Hi, Erin. You look beautiful tonight.

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ERIN Why, thank you Melissa. MELISSA Chase, whos this gentleman you have with you tonight? CHASE Oh, Im sorry this is my new executive producer Danny Jeffries. DANNY Nice to meet, Im a big fan of you and your mother. MELISSA Niagara Beverages?

Wait...

DANNY Thats right. MELISSA My boyfriend and I are big fans of your drinks, we have to talk. DANNY (confused) Oh, OK.

EXT. KODAK THEATER / RED CARPET - LATER Melissa interviews BRAD PITT. MELISSA So Brad, I know youve worked with Chase on a number of films. What do you think his chances are of finally winning here tonight?

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BRAD PITT Man, I really hope he wins tonight, I told him if he wins were going to adopt two more children. MELISSA Wow really... What if he loses? BRAD PITT Well just adopt one child.

EXT. KODAK THEATER / RED CARPET - LATER Melissa interviews WILL SMITH and JADA PINKETT SMITH. MELISSA OK, last question. Chase Carpenter... will he finally win one tonight? WILL SMITH All I have to say is that man can direct. He can direct me brushing my teeth and I bet that will be nominated for an Oscar. JADA PINKETT SMITH That man is a genius. WILL SMITH I heard Brad is going to adopt some more kids if he wins. (to Jada) What do you think honey, should we do that to? JADA PINKETT SMITH What!?

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INT. KODAK THEATER / RESTROOM - LATER Chase is standing in front of the mirror, holding a piece of paper and reciting his speech. CHASE Last but not least, Id like to thank my beautiful wife Erin and my wonderful son Brandon, who should be sleeping by now but its OK Daddy will let this one slip, (raises arms up in victory) We did it baby! God bless you and good night! Chase folds the paper carefully and puts it into his jacket pocket. Chase gets down on his knees and starts to pray. CHASE (CONTD) God, why must I be tormented so much in these last few years? Please, please, let me win and Ill... Terrence walks into the bathroom. Chase gets startled and pretends he is looking for his contact lens on the floor. CHASE (CONTD) Damn it, now where did my contact go? TERRENCE Chase, I didnt know you wear contacts, or were you praying to the Oscar gods just now?

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CHASE Terrence, I should have known. Cant a man have some privacy? TERRENCE Tell me, hows it feel to be always be so close and yet so far? CHASE Ill be asking you the same question when Im accepting the Oscar on stage. WILL FERRELL walks into the restroom. CHASE (CONTD) (shouts) I dont care if you give me a blowjob Terrence, I will not direct your next film! Chase storms out and Terrence looks confused. WILL FERRELL (points at Terrence) I knew it... I knew it! (grabs his own zipper) Hell, Im getting the fuck out of here! Will Ferrell runs out of the restroom.

INT. KODAK THEATER / STAGE - LATER STEVE MARTIN and TINA FEY walk up to the microphone to present an award. STEVE MARTIN So Tina, looks like we made it through in one piece. Tina Fey does not look at Steve Martin and is visibly upset.

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STEVE MARTIN (CONTD) Tina? TINA FEY You said this would only be three hours max. STEVE MARTIN I know Im sorry. Ill pay you overtime. TINA FEY I dont think you can afford it. STEVE MARTIN Try me. TINA FEY Ten thousand, and you have to be in every episode that I write this season. STEVE MARTIN Eight thousand and Ill have Alec Baldwin write every episode that Ill be in. TINA FEY Deal. STEVE MARTIN Ladies and Gentlemen, you have all seen the nominees for the Best Picture here tonight, so without further ado the winner for the Best Picture is... Steve Martin starts opening the envelope. Chase is seated in the audience and holding on to the hand of Erin.

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DREAM SEQENCE Steve Martin opens the envelope. STEVE MARTIN The winner is A Beautiful American, directed by Chase Carpenter and produced by Chase Carpenter. Chase jumps out of his seat with arms raised. CHASE Yes! Yes! Thats what Im talking about! Chase hugs Erin and Danny and gives high fives as he makes his way up to the stage.

END DREAM SEQUENCE Steve Martin opens the envelope. STEVE MARTIN The winner is Finding Billy Hunter directed by Gus Van Sant and produced by Terrence Cohen. Chase jumps out of his seat with arms raised. CHASE Yes! Yes! Thats what Im talking about! GUS VAN SANT and Terrence are sitting a few rows near Chase and are confused by whats going on. GUS VAN SANT Whats going on over there?

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TERRENCE Looks like someones having a nervous breakdown to me. Come on lets go get our Oscar. Gus Van Sant, Terrence and some other studio executives make their way up to the stage. Chase hugs Erin and Danny, who are both confused. ERIN Chase! What are you doing? We didnt win! DANNY Chase, youre making a scene. Calm down. CHASE (confused) What? DANNY Look, Finding Billy Hunter won. Theyre going on stage now to accept the award. Chase looks on stage and realizes whats going on. CHASE (shouts) Are you serious? That movie sucked! The surrounding audience is appalled and shocked with whats going on. TERRENCE Someone get security! That man is out of control! STEVE MARTIN Wow.

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Two security guards quickly come and escort Chase out of the theatre. CHASE (shouts) This is an outrage! This is all fixed! You should all be ashamed! Chase tries to break free from the security guards and reverse headbutts one of them. ERIN Oh my God! Chase! Are you crazy? CHASE You better watch your back Terrence. You motherfucker! More security guards come to restrain Chase. They drag him out of the theatre.

INT. HOLDING CELL AT POLICE PRECINCT - EVENING Chase is sitting down in a common holding cell with other inmates, covering his hands with his face and leaning over. Large and intimidating INMATE 1 and INMATE 2 approach Chase. INMATE 1 Hey, arent you that famous movie director? Chase picks up his head and looks at the two inmates. CHASE (scared) Uh... INMATE 1 (looking at Inmate 2) Whats his name? It sounds like the name of a bank.

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INMATE 2 Yeah, yeah, I think its Chase something. CHASE Chase Carpenter. INMATE 1 Let me ask you something, Chase. Did you ever direct a porno before? CHASE Uh... no. INMATE 1 Well then, today looks like your lucky day. INMATE 2 (smiling) Yeah, not only will you be directing but youll be starring in it too. INMATE 1 Pull down your pants motherfucker! Chase gets up and starts backing up to the corner of the cell. CHASE You know, I didnt shower today and its been really itchy down there lately. Dont think you want to take the chance. The two inmates walk toward Chase and corner him. INMATE 1 Shut the fuck up and take your pants off. Now!

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INMATE 2 We can call this movie, Moby Dick: the Directors Cut. Chase is nervous and holds his hands up. CHASE Come on, guys. Im sure we can work something out... how about I put you guys in my next movie. INMATE 2 (moves in close to Chase) But were already making a movie now. Chase notices a gold raspberry tattoo on Inmate 2s neck. INMATE 2 (CONTD) The fuck you starring at man? Inmate 1 holds Inmate 2 back. INMATE 1 Hold up, so youre saying we get to be in your next movie? INMATE 2 (looks at Inmate 1) Come on, man. Hes just lying so we dont rape his ass. INMATE 1 (to Inmate 2) Yo, you know how long Ive been waiting for my big break? CHASE Seriously, no joking. You have my word, Ill reserve some parts for you in my next movie.

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POLICE OFFICER 1 and Dan enter the room where the common cell is. POLICE OFFICER 1 Hey! Whats going on here,? Back up! Inmate 1 and Inmate 2 back away from Chase. CHASE Oh my God! Thanks Danny. Youre just in time. DANNY You OK? PRISON GUARD Mr. Chase Carpenter, bail has been posted, and youre free to go. Prison guard opens up the cell and Chase walks out. CHASE I was about to star in my first porn movie here until you showed up. INMATE 1 Hey Chase, dont forget what you promised us, I have people on the street thatll be watching you. DANNY Whats he talking about, what did you promise him? CHASE Nothing, lets get the hell out of here.

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INT. DINER - EVENING Chase and Danny are sitting in a diner booth having coffee. DANNY Hey, so who was that guy back at the Oscars? The guy that kept taunting you? CHASE Oh, Terrence? Yeah, I hate that guys guts. Hes the head of Intergalactic Pictures. DANNY Really? CHASE Yeah, after all the money I brought in for his studio he tried to blacklist me after I blew up his dog on set. DANNY What, you serious? You blew up his dog? FLASHBACK TO:

EXT. FOREST - DAY (2 YEARS AGO) Chase, Terrence and the film crew are busy preparing for the next scene. Pyro-technicians have just set up explosives inside a wooden cabin. CHASE OK everyone, get in your places. The cabin is ready to go.

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Terrence walks up behind Chase and puts down his dog (Jack Russell Terrier). TERRENCE So hows it going? CHASE (turns around) Terrence, didnt know you were on set. TERRENCE Thought Id drop by to see how my favorite director is doing. CHASE (looks at dog) I see you brought Armstrong with you. TERRENCE I have to stop by the trailer for a minute. Can you watch Armstrong for me? CHASE Sure. Armstrong picks up a ball in his mouth and tries to give it to Chase. CHASE (CONTD) Hey, what you got there... you want to play fetch? Chase throws the ball as far as he can. It drops and rolls into the cabin. Armstrong runs to find the ball. CHASE (CONTD) Oh shit...

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Chase starts to waves his hands and jumps up and down. CHASE (CONTD) HEY! DONT SET OFF THE CABIN! A DOG JUST WENT IN THERE! Armstrong goes into the cabin to find the ball. The pyro-technicians are off in the distance waiting and prepared to blow up the explosives in the cabin. PYRO-TECHNICIAN 1 Hey, I think Chase is giving the signal to set the cabin off. Chase is still jumping up and down waving his arms. PYRO-TECHNICIAN 2 Yep, that looks like the signal. Pyro-technician 2 presses a button on his remote control. PYRO-TECHNICIAN 2 (CONTD) Yippie kay-yay mother... The cabin blows up in a huge fireball. CHASE (shocked) Holy shit! Terrence comes out of the trailer and sees the explosion and walks toward Chase. TERRENCE Very nice, well done. Terrence looks around for Armstrong. TERRENCE (CONTD) Do you know where Armstrong is?

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BACK TO PRESENT DANNY Oh, I see. CHASE Anyway, listen, I think I just had a revelation about our next project when I was in jail. DANNY Oh yeah? What is it? CHASE Right before I was about to be gang raped, I saw a tattoo on this guys neck. Guess what is was. DANNY I dont know, uh, thug life? CHASE No. DANNY A hot naked chick dressed like a devil riding on a unicorn? CHASE (confused) What? DANNY Sorry. CHASE He had a tattoo of a small golden raspberry. DANNY Yeah and?

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CHASE Dont you get it? DANNY What, that hes a big fan of raspberries? CHASE Think about it... golden raspberry. DANNY Wait a minute, the Razzie award? Is that what youre thinking about? CHASE Exactly. If I cant be the best of the best, why not try to be the best of the worst? DANNY I dont get it, so you want to win a Razzie? CHASE (opens his arms) We can do this, Danny. DANNY We? Wait a minute. So my first producer credit will be on a film thats going to win a Razzie? CHASE Correction, executive producer.

INT. CHASES HOUSE - EVENING Chase is brushing his teeth and talking to Erin, who is in bed. ERIN What? Are you serious?

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CHASE Honey, if I hadnt seen the sign tonight, I wouldnt take it seriously. ERIN So youre going to spend millions purposely trying to make a horrible movie? CHASE Ive been trying so hard to perfect the craft of filmmaking that Ive gone blind, I have to go to the total opposite end of the spectrum and make something so horrendous that it will just wipe the slate clean so that I can make that Oscar winner later on. ERIN Really? CHASE Yes, really. I need to hit rock bottom so that I can reach for the stars again. ERIN That was horrible, so is that one of the lines youre going to put in this movie? BRANDON, Chases eight-year old son comes into the bedroom. BRANDON Hi Dad. CHASE Hey buddy, youre still up?

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BRANDON I heard you went to jail, so are you a criminal now? CHASE Thats right I just escaped from jail and Im a fugitive of the law. BRANDON Cool! I cant wait to tell all my friends! Brandon runs out of the bedroom. ERIN (upset) Chase! Why did you say that? CHASE Its OK. Calm down. Erin gives Chase a dirty look. CHASE (CONTD) Listen to this, I worked with this method actor on a film where he went from one hundred and eighty pounds down to ninety pounds and then for his following film, he went up to two hundred pounds all muscle. ERIN OK, Im tempted to ask how he did that, but I dont think I want to know. CHASE Trust me, honey, I need to do this. Do I have your support?

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ERIN (deep breath) Whatever you need did you do Chase, but Im warning you... if its going to be that bad, Im not going to the premiere with you.

INT. CHASES OFFICE - DAY Chase is walking around while on the phone and Danny is seated. CHASE (into phone) Im serious, Marty. Send me the worst scripts that youve ever laid your eyes on. I know theres a ton of crap out there.

INT. MARTYS OFFICE - DAY MARTY is a middle aged literary agent, dressed in a suit. He stands up from the mountain of scripts on his desk. MARTY (on phone) Wait a minute. The worst scripts? Am I hearing you correctly? Are you turning into some kind of masochist? If so I know a great place down on Sunset. INTERCUT with Chases Office. CHASE (into phone) Im doing a little experiment here. If you need to go dumpster diving to find me the worst shit ever written, do it.

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INTERCUT with Martys Office. MARTY (into phone) Alright, if you want shit Ill give you shit. No problem. Dont be surprised if you see a dump truck pulling into your office. INTERCUT with Chases Office. CHASE (into phone) I dont want to able to get past the first page, remember Marty, only the best shit. Chase hangs up the phone. DANNY Wow... I cant wait to read all this shit. CHASE Leave that to me, I can smell a bad script a mile away.

INT. CHASES OFFICE MAILROOM - DAY JAKE and CHRIS are fresh out of college, wearing shirts and ties, they sort through the mail. JAKE Hey, did you hear about Chase Carpenter? I overheard him say that hes looking for scripts for his next project. Think he said he only wants the best shit. CHRIS Really? Damn, I wish we had an agent to submit our stuff.

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JAKE Dude, when you work in the mailroom you dont need an agent. CHRIS What are you talking about? Jake takes out a script from his bag and shows it to Chris. CHRIS (CONTD) Remember this? JAKE Conspiracy Boulevard? Oh man! I would love to get that made. Thats probably our best work. CHRIS Im gonna slip this past the readers and straight into the pile that goes on Chases desk. JAKE Serious? CHRIS Watch me.

INT. CHASES OFFICE -

LATER

Chase sits at his desk reading a script and then places a phone call. CHASE (into phone) Marty.

INT. MARTYS OFFICE - CONTINUOUS Marty sits at his desk and flips through dozens of scripts.

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MARTY (on phone) Chase, did you get the scripts? INTERCUT with Chases Office. CHASE (into phone) Hell yeah, think I found my masterpiece. I think I almost went blind reading this crap. INTERCUT with Martys Office. MARTY Im glad you liked it. Which one is it? INTERCUT with Chases Office. CHASE Conspiracy Boulevard. INTERCUT with Martys Office. MARTY What? Never heard of it. You sure I sent that to you? INTERCUT with Chases Office. CHASE It was in the pile that you sent over, and readers reviewed them. Its written by Jake Landry and Chris Evans. INTERCUT with Martys Office. MARTY Dont know them. Theyre not repped by me.

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INTERCUT with Chases Office. CHASE What? Then how the hell did this end up on my desk?

INT. CHASES OFFICE / DANAS DESK - DAY Chase walks up to Danas desk and shows her the Conspiracy Boulevard script. CHASE Dana, I need you to contact these writers. Chase walks to the middle of office floor to make an announcement while holding up the script. CHASE (CONTD) LISTEN UP EVERYONE, THE TITLE OF THIS SCRIPT IS CONSPIRACY BOULEVARD, I WANT TO KNOW WHO PUT THIS PIECE OF SHIT ON MY DESK! The employees stare at Chase with a look of confusion and fear.

INT. CHASES OFFICE - DAY Chase sits at his desk and Jake and Chris are standing in with their heads down. CHASE Very slick, so youre the guys who wrote this script. JAKE Actually, it was mostly Chris who wrote it.

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CHRIS (upset) What? What are you talking about? We both wrote it! CHASE OK, calm down guys. Let me ask you question. Has anything youve written ever been made? CHRIS Well we filmed a lot of stuff that we wrote when we were in school. CHASE No, I mean by a major studio. JAKE No. CHASE Well, your script is probably the worst Ive ever read since Gigli Two. CHRIS They made a Gigli Two? CHASE No, thank God they didnt. JAKE So are we fired? CHASE Actually, the opposite. Today is lucky day. Jake and Chris give a look of confusion.

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I/E. CAR - DAY Chase is driving and Danny is in the passenger seat. DANNY A hundred thousand dollars! You gave these guys a hundred thousand dollars for the worst script that youve ever read? CHASE What can I say? I loved it. DANNY For all I know you could have gotten that script for free from those guys. This is not a good start for our budget. CHASE Relax, I know what Im doing. Were about to make a masterpiece, a masterpiece of crap but nonetheless a masterpiece. DANNY I really do hope you know what youre doing. CHASE I just had an idea. I think I know where to get one of our actors. Chase makes a U-turn and heads back the other way. DANNY Where you going? Were going to miss our flight.

44.

INT. HOLDING CELL AT POLICE PRECINCT - DAY Chase and Danny are escorted by Police Officer 1 and led into the holding cell where Chase was before. POLICE OFFICER 1 Here you go, theyre right there. Inmate 1 and Inmate 2 turn around and look at Chase from behind the bars. DANNY Are you crazy? You wanna get us killed on the movie set? INMATE 1 Look who it is. Its Mr. Chase Carpentburn the famous movie director. CHASE Uh, Chase Carpenter. INMATE 2 Whats up with the visit, are you directing the Green Mile 2? CHASE Actually, thats not a bad idea... but Im here to ask if you gentlemen are interested in being in my next movie. INMATE 1 For real? CHASE For real. Danny puts his hand on his forehead and is stressed.

45.

INMATE 1 (looks at Inmate 2) See I told you it was a good idea that we didnt rape his ass. CHASE Danny, how much money you got on you. Lets bail these guys out. DANNY What?! INMATE 1 Hell yeah!

INT. LAX AIRPORT - DAY Chase and Danny are walking through the airport. DANNY So its New York, then Miami, then Chicago? CHASE Yeah, everythings set up at those cities and all we have to do is pick the best of the worst. DANNY So its like American Idol, but we actually want the people with the least amount of talent. CHASE Yeah, I guess you can say that, so you want to be Simon or can I be Simon? DANNY You serious?

46.

CHASE Actually Ill be Simon, you can be Paula.

INT. RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL STAGE/NEW YORK - DAY Chase and Danny are seated and are waiting for people to come on stage. DANNY Chase, Im getting a huge headache with all these people. Does it matter who you pick? Theyre all horrible. CHASE Im looking for that special something you know? Ill know it when I see it. A heavy-set ITALIAN ACTOR dressed in a tuxedo comes on stage with cotton balls in his mouth and is holding a real cat in his arms. ITALIAN ACTOR (bad Italian accent) Im gonna make him an offer he cant refuse. The cat attacks the Italian actors face and he screams. ITALIAN ACTOR (CONTD) (trying to get the cat off his face) Ah! What the fuck! CHASE (shocked) What the hell! The Italian actor pulls the cat off of his face and throws it offstage. It lands near Chase and Danny.

47.

DANNY (looks at cat) Hey! Stay away, get out of here! The cat jumps on Danny and he screams. CHASE (to Italian actor) Youre hired.

INT. AMERICAN AIRLINES ARENA/MIAMI - DAY Chase is seated on the basketball court and Danny is seated next to him with a bandage on his face. CHASE OK, next. A skinny LATINO ACTOR is dressed in a white suit, aviator sunglasses and is holding a super soaker. LATINO ACTOR (bad Latino accent) In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women. DANNY (to Chase) Can you understand what he just said? LATINO ACTOR (Points super soaker at Danny) And by the way I like you to meet my little friend! Latino actor sprays Danny with the Super Soaker.

48.

DANNY What the fuck! CHASE Youre hired.

INT. BALABAN AND KATZ CHICAGO THEATRE/CHICAGO - DAY Chase is seated and Danny is seated next to him wearing a motorcycle helmet. CHASE Is it hot in there? DANNY (with helmet visor down) Im doing just fine. MALE IMPROV ACTOR and FEMALE IMPROVE ACTOR walk onto the stage. CHASE Welcome, so what do you have for us today? MALE IMPROV ACTOR Well, we figured that we could do some improv for you, so well need some help from the audience. FEMALE IMPROV ACTOR Can we get one word from each of you. It can be anything. CHASE OK, how about... hot dog. DANNY (opens helmet visor) Uh... wedding.

49.

FEMALE IMPROV ACTOR Hey honey, werent those hot dogs delicious? MALE IMPROV ACTOR Yes, and I cant believe they were served at the wedding. They were a great hit. FEMALE IMPROV ACTOR Yes, and speaking of weddings... arent they the most beautiful ceremonies? MALE IMPROV ACTOR Yes, and I... think we should move on to a different topic. FEMALE IMPROV ACTOR Yes, and I... knew it. I knew it. Youre afraid of commitment, arent you? MALE IMPROV ACTOR Yes, and I dont think we should be talking about this here, right sweety? FEMALE IMPROV ACTOR (upset) Yes, and I think you are an asshole! Female improv actor walks off the stage in anger leaving Male improv actor embarrassed. Chase gives a standing ovation. CHASE Youre hired.

50.

INT. LAX AIRPORT - DAY Chase and Danny walk through the retail shops in the airport terminal. DANNY Let me ask you something. CHASE Yeah, sure. DANNY What do you really want to accomplish with this film? Are you really trying to make the best worst film ever. Are you bored? Or are you just going through a midlife crisis? Chase points at the sports apparel store which has a display of Los Angeles Lakers gear. CHASE See that store over there? DANNY (looks at sports apparel store) Yeah, what about it? CHASE The Lakers won another Championship. They established a dynasty. They have a legacy of greatness, and what do I have? DANNY What are you talking about Chase? Youre an amazing director. Youve made huge blockbusters and received multiple Oscar nominations.

51.

CHASE Yeah, but Ive never won the big one. In entertainment, sports, politics, business you name it, does anyone remember the runner-up? Does anyone give you a medal because you almost won? DANNY In the Olympics they do. CHASE Shut the hell up! You know what I mean. Im just sick of being Mr. Irrelevant. DANNY Mr. Irrelevant, are you serious? FAN 1 and FAN 2 walk up to Chase in the airport. FAN 1 Oh my God, are you Chase Carpenter the director? CHASE Yes, I am. FAN 2 My favorite movie is A Beautiful American. That should have won Best Picture. You were robbed. CHASE Thank you. FAN 1 (hands Chase a pen and piece of paper) Can we have your autograph? CHASE Sure, who do I make it out to?

52.

FAN 1 You can make it out to Khasse, with a K and two Ss. CHASE Really? I have to say thats a... great name. FAN 1 I know, right! FAN 2 (hands Chase a pen and piece of paper) My first name is E, as in the letter E and my last name is Bay. CHASE (signs paper) You serious?

EXT. LAX AIRPORT - DAY Chase and Danny are outside of LAX airport walking to their cars. DANNY I didnt know Mr. Irrelevant had so many fans. CHASE Stop it. If those are what you call fans, I dont want them. DANNY (stops at his car) Well, heres my car. Ill drop by your office tomorrow? CHASE Come on, lets go out for a drink.

53.

DANNY Cant got a ton of stuff I have to catch up on. CHASE Alright, but you still with me on this movie right? You got my back? DANNY Well see. CHASE What? DANNY Im just joking. Calm down. Danny gets in his car and drives off. Chase takes out his cell phone and makes a call. CHASE (into phone) Hey, I just landed and I should home in a few minutes. ERIN (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) Hey, honey welcome back, but you know Im at my mothers with Brandon right? CHASE (into phone) Oh was that this week? ERIN (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) I told you, remember? Anyway how did the casting go?

54.

CHASE (into phone) Good. Actually, I should really say it was horrible, which is great for this film. ERIN (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) Im glad to hear. Listen theres really nothing to eat at home. You should grab something while youre out. CHASE (into phone) Alright, a guys night out! ERIN (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) Chase... CHASE (into phone) What? Its not like Ill be at a bar getting drunk.

INT. THE CLUB BAR / PENINSULA HOTEL - NIGHT Chase is sitting at the bar by himself nursing a glass of whisky and talking to the BARTENDER. BARTENDER Thats a good list but I personally would put Dan Marino as a top five quarterback of all time. CHASE He was great, but he never won a Superbowl!

55.

BARTENDER Doesnt matter. His legacy speaks for itself. CHASE Come on. Terrence walks into the bar, spots Chase and walks over. TERRENCE Looks whos here. So what pain are you trying to numb away with alcohol this time? CHASE Shut up Terrence. The only pain in my life right now is that youre here and theres not enough alcohol in this place to numb that. Terrence sits next to Chase. TERRENCE So tell me, is it true youre filming a movie and youre purposely trying to make it bad? I would think that would naturally come to you. CHASE I think I need another drink.

INT. THE CLUB BAR / PENINSULA HOTEL - LATER Chase is noticeably drunk and still talking to Terrence. CHASE (in tears) Im telling you right now, I think its a curse. How else can you explain coming so close all these times and not winning best picture?

56.

TERRENCE Let me ask you something. What would you do to win an Oscar and break this curse? CHASE Pretty much anything. (beat) I would even give up my studio and all the rights to my previous films if I could win the big one. TERRENCE Really... bartender can we get another round here please?

INT. PENINSULA HOTEL LOBBY - LATER Terrence is on the phone with his lawyer ANDREW. TERRENCE (into phone) Im serious. Draw up the contracts and meet me here as soon as possible. ANDREW (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) Ill do it but do you think any sane person would sign such a thing? TERRENCE (into phone) I dont think this person is sane, at least not right now. ANDREW (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) What? Then theres no way this can stand up in court.

57.

TERRENCE (into phone) Well find a way! What do you think I pay you for?!

INT. THE CLUB BAR / PENINSULA HOTEL - LATER Chase is passed out at the bar and Terrence is trying to wake him up. He holds a piece of paper in front of him. TERRENCE Chase, wake up! Come on wake up! CHASE (lifts head up) Huh? TERRENCE Let me take you home but first you have sign your credit card receipt for your drinks. Chase looks at paper in front of him and looks confused. CHASE (drunken voice) Wait, this doesnt look like a... TERRENCE Trust me it is. Just sign here. Chase signs paper. CHASE (drunken voice) Im paying for drinks, huh? I guess Im a pretty nice guy. TERRENCE Yeah youre best. Now sign here too.

58.

CHASE (drunken voice) Whats this one? TERRENCE Youre not drunk, are you? CHASE (drunken voice) No, of course not, you silly. TERRENCE Good, then you can sign here. Chase signs the paper again. TERRENCE (CONTD) (smiling) It was great doing business with you. CHASE Anytime. Chase slams his head on the bar and passes out.

TITLE ON SCREEN: THREE MONTHS LATER

INT. BANK / MOVIE SET - DAY Chase, Danny, and the film crew are getting ready to shoot a scene for their new movie. Actors are getting ready, Inmate 1 and Inmate 2 are playing the roles of SECURITY GUARD 1 and SECURITY GUARD 2, female improv actor is playing the BANK TELLER, make improv actor is playing the BANK MANAGER and the Latino actor is playing the BANK ROBBER. The 2nd ASSISTANT CAMERA walks in front of the camera with the clapboard.

59.

2ND ASSISTANT CAMERA Scene sixteen, take five and... action! Bank Robber enters the bank and is wearing a cheap suit, and sunglasses. BANK ROBBER (yells) IM HERE TO ROB YOUR MOTHER-FUCKING ASSES! (laughs) Bank Robber walks up to the Bank Teller while other customer walk away in fear. BANK TELLER (nervous) And yes, may I help you sir? BANK ROBBER Yes you can start with handing over all money in this place bitch! BANK TELLER Uh... I would love to but I dont think I can do that. The Bank Manager walks up to the next Bank Teller. BANK MANAGER (to Bank Robber) This is the fifth time weve been held up this week. Im sorry but you cant have any of our money. Bank Robber jumps on top of the counter. BANK ROBBER Bullshit! Im the king of the world! King Kong aint got shit on me!

60.

BANK MANAGER Sir, can you please get down from there, youre going to hurt yourself. BANK ROBBER No, my friend youre the one thats going to get hurt! Id like you too meet my little friend! Two small people dressed like Neo from the Matrix come into the bank holding small machine guns. BANK ROBBER (CONTD) Keep the change, you filthy animal! The two small people start shooting their machine guns in the bank and the customers are on the ground screaming. The Bank Manager and Bank Teller duck for cover. BANK ROBBER (CONTD) (evil laugh) Ha-ha... CHASE And cut! Danny has his face in his hands. CHASE (CONTD) (to Danny) Whats you think? DANNY That was just horrible. CHASE Good, I thought so too. Stacy walks over to Chase and hands him a some pages of a fax.

61.

STACY This fax just came in for you. CHASE Whats this? STACY Dont know, but it looks pretty important. Chase reads over the pages of the fax. CHASE (shocked) You have got to be kidding me.

INT. CHASES OFFICE - DAY Chase is sitting at his desk and opposite him is ERIC, a middle aged attorney dressed in a suit. ERIC I dont know what to tell you Chase. As silly as it sounds, this is a valid contract. CHASE I must have been drunk out of my mind because I dont remember a single thing that happened the night I supposedly signed this contract. ERIC (looks at contract) Well, on this second portion where you signed, it states that you are of sound mind and body and not under the influence whatsoever. CHASE Terrence that motherfucker!

62.

ERIC To be honest with you Chase, this seems like a silly contract. I mean come on, if you win an Oscar, then and only do you hand over your studio and ownership of all your previous films. CHASE Thanks. Now my own lawyer doesnt think I can win an Qscar? ERIC Thats not what I meant... CHASE You know what? This contract is actually going to motivate me. Im going to pull all the stops and make this movie is an absolute disaster so Ill have no chance of ever winning and Oscar. ERIC Now thats the spirit.

EXT. CHASES OFFICE / PARKING LOT - DAY Chase walks toward his car in the parking lot. Danny drives his car into the parking lot and gets out. CHASE Danny, Ive been trying to reach you. Whats going on? DANNY Im sorry. My cell died. Thats why Im here. Chase puts his arm around Danny.

63.

CHASE Listen, I know weve been friends for a long time and I just want to make sure I have your full support on this project. DANNY Uh... yeah, of course. CHASE My methods may be a little unorthodox and it may seem like Im going crazy on set with all my demands, but bottom line is that you have to trust me, OK? DANNY OK, youre starting to scare me now... CHASE I dont need you to be scared, but what I do need is your trust. Do I have it? Danny is nervous, looks around and thinks before he answers. CHASE (CONTD) Were going all out on this, dont tell anyone yet, but Im going to make some calls to all the A-list actors I know and have them get involved in the film. DANNY What? Are you serious? First, why would they want to do a movie like this, and second, where are going to get the extra budget to do something like this?

64.

CHASE Ill take care of the first part, and youve got my back about the budget right? Come on, its me. Lets do this. Danny is stressed and takes a deep breath.

EXT. JUNGLE / MOVIE SET - DAY The film crew is busy running around setting up for the next scene. Danny is on his cell phone. DANNY (into phone) Yes, hi, I need to get my hands on two white tigers, one black bear, and three Komodo dragons. Can you help me out? (beat) Im sorry what was that? (beat) No, were not running a circus. Danny surveys the movie set and sees actors fighting with the film crew, people dressed in clown costumes running around and small people getting drunk on a tree. DANNY (CONTD) (into phone) Actually I take that back. We are running a circus here.

EXT. GRAUMANS CHINESE THEATRE - NIGHT TITLE ON SCREEN: SIX MONTHS LATER Its a star-studded night on the red carpet as Chase, Erin and Danny arrive for the premiere of Conspiracy Boulevard.

65.

PEREZ HILTON is one of the reporters covering the premiere and gets ready with his camera crew. PEREZ HILTON (into camera) So, here it is people, the most anticipated movie of the summer is finally here. There has been a lot of secrecy behind Chase Carpenters new movie Conspiracy Boulevard. Some are saying that his bold move into experimental filmmaking may finally be the key to capturing the ever elusive Academy Award. Chase, Danny and Erin walk down the red carpet. Among the many camera flashes and people yelling out Chases name, Perez is able to get him to his corner. PEREZ HILTON (CONTD) So Chase, how are you feeling tonight? CHASE You know, its kind of like that feeling you have the night of the wedding where you married a really ugly person but that person is filthy rich, youre scared but excited at the same time. PEREZ HILTON (confused) OK... CHASE Im just kidding. Anyway here is my executive producer, Danny. PEREZ HILTON Hi Dan, so whats it like working with Chase?

66.

DANNY Its great. Its kind of like watching yourself in a slow-motion train wreck, but in the end no one gets hurt. PEREZ HILTON I see... ERIN Perez, Im so sorry. We have a couple of comedians here tonight. PEREZ HILTON Thank God. I thought I was going crazy. ERIN Youre not crazy. These are the two crazy ones. CUT TO: Perez interviews BEN STILLER on the red carpet. PEREZ HILTON So Ben what was it like working with Chase? BEN STILLER Did Danny mention the thing about the train wreck? PEREZ HILTON Yes. BEN STILLER It was kind of like that, but everyone dies at the end. CUT TO: Perez interviews STEVEN SEAGAL on the red carpet.

67.

PEREZ HILTON How do you think this movie will be received? STEVEN SEAGAL To be honest with you, if this movie doesnt win an Oscar Im going to kick Chases ass. By the way do you know where he went? PEREZ HILTON (points) Uh, yeah, I think hes over there. CUT TO: Perez interviews JULIA ROBERTS on the red carpet. PEREZ HILTON (CONTD) So how was it on the set? JULIA ROBERTS Uh... the food was pretty good. CUT TO: Perez interviews DENZEL WASHINGTON on the red carpet. PEREZ HILTON What was your experience like working on this movie? DENZEL WASHINGTON I gotta tell you man... Chase drops by to day say to Denzel. CHASE Hey, Denzel, good to see you.

68.

DENZEL WASHINGTON Hey Chase. As I was saying this is a Chase Carpenter movie were talking about. Enough said. PEREZ HILTON So you had a great time on the set? DENZEL WASHINGTON Lets just say Hollywood aint got shit on Chase. CHASE Dont you just love this guy?

INT. GRAUMANS CHINESE THEATRE - NIGHT Chase, Danny and Erin are seated in their seats watching the movie. DANNY (whispers) I had no idea it was going to be this bad, did you? CHASE (whispers) This is the first time Im seeing this. DANNY (whispers) What? Are you serious? CHASE (whispers) What?! I wanted to keep it a surprise!

69.

DANNY (whispers) I hope youre happy now, I would say were a sure lock for a Razzie. CHASE (whispers) Mission accomplished. DANNY (whispers) I dont know about you but Im not sticking around. Once this films over a lynch mob of press and angry actors are going to be coming after us. CHASE (whispers) Hmm... actually, I think you have a point there. DANNY (whispers) Im slipping out the back. CHASE (whispers) Im right behind you. ERIN (whispers) Hey, where are you going? Chase does not hear Erin call him. ERIN (CONTD) (whispers) Chase! Danny and Chase get up from there seats and try not to be noticed as they exit the theatre.

70.

EXT. GRAUMANS CHINESE THEATRE - NIGHT Chase and Danny come out the back entrance of the theatre and get into a limo, and the limo drives off.

I/E. LIMO - NIGHT DANNY Man, that was a close one. Imagine what the scene is going to be like after the movie is over? CHASE Yeah, I guess thats the price of fame, huh? DANNY I think we should lay low for a few months and think about a new project. CHASE Yeah, good idea. DANNY And this time, lets try to make it a good film. CHASE Hey, I feel I left something behind. DANNY What, your phone? Wallet? CHASE Was Erin sitting next me? DANNY Oh shit.

71.

INT. TERRENCES OFFICE - DAY Terrence is sitting at his desk and is on a call using the speaker phone. TERRENCE Gene, come on. What do you say? Do your friend a favor. INTERCUT with GENE SHALITs office. GENE SHALIT is sitting at his desk and holding a phone GENE SHALIT (into phone) Do you know what youre asking me to do here? I just saw the this movie, and it was so bad it made me envious of blind people. INTERCUT with TERRENCEs office. TERRENCE Gene, how long have we known each other? Remember that time I tracked down your muppet from Jim Henson? INTERCUT with GENE SHALITs office. GENE SHALIT (into phone) Yeah, I know. I thought that muppet was lost forever. GENE SHALIT looks at the muppet that resembles himself hanging on the wall. INTERCUT with TERRENCEs office. TERRENCE I tracked it down for you and I delivered.

72.

INTERCUT with GENE SHALITs office. GENE SHALIT (into phone) I dont know Terrence. Maybe I can find something nice to say about the film. INTERCUT with TERRENCEs office. TERRENCE I want you to say a lot of nice things to say about the movie. By the way, Im going to send you one of the original Kermit the frog muppets from when the Muppet Show first aired. INTERCUT with GENE SHALITs office. Gene Shalit gets up from his desk. GENE SHALIT (into phone) Wait a minute! You have an original Kermit the frog muppet? INTERCUT with TERRENCEs office TERRENCE Listen Gene, I gotta go call up some people about this film. Look out for my package OK? Terrence turns off the speaker phone. INTERCUT with GENE SHALITs office. Gene Shalit hangs up the phone, smiles, sits back down in his chair, and looks at a vintage Muppet Show poster on his wall.

73.

INT. CHASES HOUSE - NIGHT Chase walks in the front door and comes into the living room where Erin sitting on the sofa watching TV. CHASE Hey sweety. ERIN Oh, hi. Hey have you seen the critics reviewing your film? CHASE Not really, but Im assuming theyre trashing. ERIN Actually, the opposite. Here listen to what Gene Shalit said. Erin rewinds the program on the TV, and Chase sits down next to her on the sofa. GENE SHALIT (on TV) The first time I saw this movie, I was absolutely disgusted. I felt like I just passed a kidney stone. Now heres the interesting thing, I had a strange urge to watch this again and then a third time. While on the surface this just looks like a horrible movie this is actually a beautiful film that symbolizes the disintegration of Hollywood. Chase Carpenter paints a bleak picture of what Hollywood has become. This film mocks the current state of the industry and challenges us to go back to a golden age of cinema. That is why Im picking this film as a dark horse to win Best Picture this year.

74.

CHASE (to Erin) You gotta be shitting me. ERIN I know, right? I thought your movie was a piece of crap too. CHASE Hey, hey! Take it easy. ERIN You told me you wanted to make is horrible on purpose. CHASE (smiling) This means I made it so bad that its actually good, a dark horse to win Best Picture good! ERIN Now dont get carried away now, I dont want you to get hurt again. CHASE (jumps off the sofa) I gotta call Danny!

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Chase, Danny and about two dozen of his film studio employees are gathered around a large table eating dinner and drinking. Chase gets up to say something, while holding up some newspapers.

75.

CHASE If I may have your attention... lets see here, Variety is calling Conspiracy Boulevard so bad that its great, the Hollywood Reporter is saying this film is a gamechanger in a bad movies clothing, and the New York Times says, From the ashes of film making hell this may be the year that Mr. Carpenter captures the elusive prize. Shouts and cheers around heard around the table. CHASE (CONTD) Id like to give a toast to my right-hand man, Dan, for believing in me as I purposely tried to make the shittest movie of all time. DANNY What can I say? I had no other choice. CHASE (toasting) Cheers! Chases phone starts ringing on the table. Chase looks at whos calling and the caller ID shows up as Terrence-Asshole. CHASE (CONTD) What? DANNY Whats wrong? CHASE Let me take this outside. Chase leaves the table and heads to the exit.

76.

EXT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT Chase picks up the call as he steps outside. CHASE (into phone) So, Terrence you couldnt wait to call me and congratulate me huh? INTERCUT inside Terrences car. Terrence is driving his car and talking through his bluetooth headset. TERRENCE Howd you guess? INTERCUT to Chase outside restaurant. CHASE (into phone) Seriously, what do you want? INTERCUT inside Terrences car. TERRENCE Im just calling to say full support in winning picture, I still know a people in Hollywood and undeniable.

you have my best lot of my charm is

INTERCUT to Chase outside restaurant. CHASE (into phone) Thank you very much. Can you put me through to Terrence now? Cause I have no idea who this is. INTERCUT inside Terrences car.

77.

TERRENCE Lets just say this is a person that will gain control of your film studio and all the rights to your films once you win your Oscar. INTERCUT to Chase outside restaurant. CHASE (into phone, looking around) Im being filmed here? If it is, this is pretty good. INTERCUT inside Terrences car. TERRENCE The contract. You signed a contract remember? And I cant wait to collect. INTERCUT to Chase outside restaurant. CHASE (into phone) Contract? What contract? Chase suddenly looks like a deer in headlights. INTERCUT inside Terrences car. TERRENCE Chase? You still there? INTERCUT to Chase outside restaurant. Chase throws up on the ground in front of the entrance to the restaurant. Some people pass Chase and are about to go into the restaurant but become so disgusted from seeing Chase that they turn away from the restaurant.

78.

INT. CHASES OFFICE - DAY Chase is standing in his office looking at the glass case with all his second place trophies. Danny knocks and comes in the door to Chases office. DANNY Hey Chase. CHASE Dan, thanks for coming by. DANNY Yeah, no problem. How you feel? Did you drink a lot at the restaurant? CHASE No. DANNY Was it the food? CHASE No, actually I need to talk to you about something. Here, have a seat. DANNY OK, sounds kind of serious. Dan sits down in a chair, Chase is still standing and looks uncomfortable. CHASE Its about a contract. DANNY Contract? What contract?

79.

EXT. CHASES OFFICE / PARKING LOT - LATER Danny slams open the door as he exits Chases office building. Chase follows behind. CHASE Come on, Dan, wait! DANNY I cant believe this is happening. CHASE I know I fucked up. Im working on this, OK? DANNY Do you realize that you not only put yourself in a corner but youre gambling with the livelihood of your employees and all the hard work you put into you films? CHASE I know. DANNY No, I dont think you do know, Ive been putting up with your shit way to long. CHASE Calm down. I know we can figure this thing out. DANNY We? I dont think I can work with you anymore. Youre obsessed with perfection, you crave attention and acknowledgement like a little child. Dont you have enough success from all your films already?

80.

CHASE (beat) Well you know what? Sometimes great things are not accomplished without great sacrifices. If you dont want to work with me anymore, fine Ill do this on my own and win that fucking Oscar even if it means giving everything up. DANNY Youve become so blinded havent you? Danny turns around and walks away. CHASE Thats it! No executive producer credit for you!

I/E. CHASES CAR - NIGHT Chase places a call on his cell phone, using the speaker, while he drives. CHASE (into phone) Erin, its me. ERIN (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) Hey sweety, where are you? CHASE (into phone) Im headed home. I had a rough day. ERIN (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) Sorry to hear that. Im on my way over to my sisters place. (MORE)

81. ERIN (V.O.) (CONT'D) I didnt get a chance to make dinner so you might want to grab something on the way home.

CHASE (into phone) Alright, is Brandon with you? ERIN (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) Yeah, well see you back at home later. CHASE (into phone) OK. Chase hangs up the phone, sees a fast food place, and pulls his car over.

EXT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT - LATER Chase walks out of the restaurant sipping on a big soda cup, notices a small movie theatre next door, and looks up to see The Room is playing. CHASE (curious) Huh...

INT. MOVIE THEATRE - LATER Chase is sitting watching the movie by himself. On the screen a scene with Johnny, played by Tommy Wiseau, and Lisa, by Juliette Danielle, is playing. JOHNNY (on screen) You are lying! I never hit you! You are tearing me apart Lisa!

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CHASE (to self) You are tearing me apart Lisa! The few people in the theatre cheer for this scene.

INT. CHASES OFFICE - NEXT DAY Chase is cleaning out his glass case full of his awards and trophies by putting them in a box. Chase notices an award that has inscribed NYU First Fun Film Festival Runner-Up, Chase Carpenter and Daniel Jeffries Chase throws that in the box along with the other trophies, brings the box out, and drops it down on Stacys desk. CHASE Do me a favor and make sure these go in the trash? STACY Yeah, sure. Stacy looks through what is in the box. She is confused. Chase walks away, leaving the office. STACY (CONTD) Chase, you sure you want me to throw these away? These are all your awards. CHASE (walks, back turned) Im sure. Dont need them any more. STACY (finds silver medal) Wait, you won an Olympic silver medal?

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INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - LATER Chase opens the refrigerator door to get a soda, turns around and notices a poster for Niagara Energy Water. Chase is curious and finds the CASHIER to ask a question. CHASE Excuse me, do you sell Niagara Energy Water? CASHIER Nah man, its been taken off the market recently, I think some big drug company bought it. CHASE I see. CASHIER I love that drink man. I used to take a few bottles with me when I met up with my girlfriend, if you know what I mean. CHASE Yeah, that drink is definitely the real deal. CASHIER If you know where to get those drinks let me know man. CHASE Yeah sure, Ill let you know. Chase pays for his drink and walks out. CHASE (CONTD) Thanks.

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EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE - CONTINUOUS Chase takes out cell phone and dials. There is no answer, and Chase gets Dannys voice mail. DANNY (V.O.) (over phone, filtered) This is Danny. Leave a message. Thanks. CHASE (into phone) Hey, its me, Chase (beat) Listen I... lets talk. Give me a call. Thanks.

INT. CHASES HOUSE / BEDROOM - NIGHT Chase is lying on the bed staring at the ceiling, Erin enters the bedroom. ERIN Hey honey. CHASE (depressed) Hey. ERIN Whats wrong? You look depressed. CHASE Nothing, Im fine. ERIN Really? You dont look fine. CHASE Yeah, its nothing.

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ERIN Oh, I wanted to ask you if we are picking Danny up on the way to the Oscars? If so, I need to leave earlier. CHASE Actually, I dont think Danny will be sitting with us. ERIN Really? Where will he be sitting? CHASE Uh, Im pretty sure hes not coming. ERIN OK, now I know something is wrong. CHASE Well, I meant to tell you earlier. ERIN Tell me what? CHASE About a small little contract. ERIN Contract?

INT. CHASES HOUSE / BEDROOM - LATER Erin slams the bedroom door on Chases face and he is standing in the hallway holding a blanket and a pillow. Chase walks to Brandons room and knocks. Brandon, sleepy-eyed, opens door.

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CHASE Hey buddy, sorry to wake you. BRANDON Its OK Dad, were you and Mom fighting? CHASE No, no, actually I asked her if I could come sleep with you and she kind of got upset and threw me out. BRANDON (smiling) Really? Sure, Dad, you can come sleep in my room.

INT. CHASES HOUSE / BRANDONS BEDROOM - LATER Brandon is fast sleep in his bed, and Chase is next to him on the floor on his pillow, staring at the ceiling. Chase sits up and takes a deep breath, gets up and heads out the door.

EXT. CHASES OFFICE / PARKING LOT Chase drives into the parking lot, parks, gets out of car and heads into the office.

INT. CHASES OFFICE - LATER Chase enters his office and turns on the lights. Chase notices that all his trophies are put back in the display case and a notes is attached on the glass. The note reads Sorry, Chase, the garbage truck refused to take these, so I guess youre stuck with them. -Stacy

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Chase cracks a smile.

INT. CHASES HOUSE / HALLWAY - LATER Chase walks toward the exit of the building, notices a light is on in the editing room and decides to see who is in there. Chase cracks open the door to see who is there. There are two FILM EDITORS in the room working late editing some films. FILM EDITOR 1 To be honest with you, even if Chase doesnt win this time around, hell still be one of the best directors out there. FILM EDITOR 2 I dont know. If hes that good, why hasnt he won one yet? FILM EDITOR 1 Im telling you man its a conspiracy. The Academy is secretly run by an alien race. FILM EDITOR 2 What?! Yeah OK. Chase gives a look of confusion while eavesdropping. FILM EDITOR 1 When you think about it makes sense. OK, you take some of the best directors of all time, like Lucas, Spielberg, Cameron, Kubrick, what do they have in common? FILM EDITOR 2 They all made kick ass movies?

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FILM EDITOR 1 Yeah, but they all made sci-fi films, geniuses like that had to be inspired by someone other than the human race. FILM EDITOR 2 Man, youre crazy. FILM EDITOR 1 Oh, yeah, remember the other day when we agreed what Chases best movie was? FILM EDITOR 2 You mean, Deep Space Lover? FILM EDITOR 1 Yes! FILM EDITOR 2 Then why havent these guys won for their sci-fi films? FILM EDITOR 1 Man, they cant make it that obvious, and if I had to guess I think Chase got body-snatched by an alien. No way any human can be that good. Guy tries to direct a bomb on purpose and gets nominated for an Oscar. What is that?! Chase slowly closes the door. He shakes his head while smiling.

INT. CHASES HOUSE / KITCHEN - MORNING Chase and Erin are having breakfast at the table. CHASE These eggs are great.

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ERIN Thanks. Now why is Brandon taking so long? Erin gets up to get Brandon upstairs. ERIN (CONTD) Brandon, come down! Youre going to be late for school. Brandon walks into the kitchen holding a handmade cardboard Oscar award statue that is painted gold. BRANDON Sorry, Mom. Here, Dad this is for you. CHASE For me? BRANDON Yeah, check out what it says. Chase holds the cardboard statue, and it reads Worlds Best Director and Dad. CHASE Wow, you made this? BRANDON Yep, just in case you dont win one this weekend. CHASE (eyes watery) I dont know what to say, I dont have my speech with me. ERIN Chase, are you tearing up?

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CHASE What? No, I think its the onions in these eggs. Its making my eyes water. ERIN Onions? I didnt put any... Chase shoots Erin a smile. ERIN (CONTD) (smiles) Oh yeah, that must be it.

INT. CHASES OFFICE / CONFERENCE ROOM - LATER Two dozen people are packed into a conference room waiting for an announcement. Chase walks into the room holding a piece of paper. CHASE (whispers to Stacy) Did you get in touch with Danny? STACY Sorry, no answer. Called him a few times and left a message. CHASE OK, thanks. Chase walks to the head of the table. CHASE (CONTD) Hey everybody, youre probably wondering why I called this meeting. Lets just say what Im about to share with you is something that is long overdue. Chase scans through his written piece of paper.

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CHASE (CONTD) Id like to thank... (beat) Each and everyone one of you here, I know I can be difficult, emotional and unorthodox at times, demanding far too much at times, but every time you have delivered. While I have been seeking my own recognition, Ive lost touch with the people who have made this studio a success and for that I am very sorry. (beat) As for the rumors that are going around about a contract that I so stupidly agreed to, its true. The staff reacts in disappointment, sighs. CHASE (CONTD) And to clear the air, even though I did drink that night when I signed the contract, I knew what I was signing, which makes it even more stupid. I cant believe were actually going to root for us to not win best picture, but if we do wind, Ill do everything in my power to help everyone that will by affected by the takeover. STAFF MEMBER This is bullshit! STAFF MEMBER is visibly upset and storms out of the conference room. CHASE Uh... any other comments?

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EXT. KODAK THEATER / RED CARPET - NIGHT In a sea of reporters and photographers Melissa Rivers is again on hand interviewing celebrities as they come down the red carpet. MELISSA (into camera) Welcome back to the Academy Awards. Coming up next, Ill be breaking down the best and the worst dressed, the breakthrough performances of the year, and also Im going to try to get my hands on Chase Carpenter, who directed the sleeper hit of the year Conspiracy Boulevard. Stay tuned. A limousine pulls up. Chase and Erin walks out to a burst of camera flashes. Melissa fights her way to Chase to get an interview. MELISSA (CONTD) Chase, good to see you again and Erin is looking beautiful as always ERIN Thank you. CHASE Hi, Melissa, good seeing you to, say hi to your mother for me. ERIN I will, so youre nominated a record sixth time for best picture. It always seems like deja vu every time I see you at the Oscars. How do you feel this year?

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CHASE To be honest with you, I had a different purpose for my latest film, and Im surprised I actually got nominated again. MELISSA Come on, Chase, stop trying to be modest about it. By the way, where is Dan this year? CHASE Uh, hes busy working on another project and unfortunately couldnt join us tonight. Terrence spots Chase giving an interview and decides to crash it. TERRENCE Chase! How are you, Melissa? MELISSA Good to see you, Terrence. (to camera) See this, people. I have two of the most powerful people in Hollywood with me right now. TERRENCE Sorry for crashing but I just wanted to wish Chase the best of luck, and I really hope he wins. MELISSA Look at this! Does this mean you and Chase are on good terms again? CHASE Well, I...

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TERRENCE Or course we are! In fact Im planning on working very closely with Chases studio in the near future. Chase shoots Terrence a dirty look. Erin looks away embarrassed. TERRENCE (CONTD) You got this, Chase. This is your year! Terrence walks away with a big smile. MELISSA (to camera) You heard it here first. Stay tuned, and well be back with more fabulous coverage.

INT. KODAK THEATER / RESTROOM - LATER Chase is standing in front of the mirror, holding a piece of paper that contains his acceptance speech. Chase takes a deep breath, slowly tears the paper up and throws it in the garage. CHASE (into mirror) Here we go. Chase heads for the restroom exit, just as Terrence walks in. TERRENCE Chase. CHASE Terrence, I didnt appreciate you crashing my interview. That was a dick move.

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TERRENCE Come on, dont you want to finally win an Oscar? CHASE Not if its going to cost me my studio and all the people that work for me. TERRENCE Since when did that stop you. I know you, Chase. You dont stop until you get what you want. Youre almost as bad as me when it comes to gaining recognition and power. CHASE Thats not me anymore. TERRENCE Stop kidding yourself. Just enjoy winning tonight because its the last time youll ever win anything this big. Terrence walks past Chase to use the urinal. Chase walks behind him and taps Terrence on the shoulder. He turns around. CHASE Hey Terrence. Chase punches Terrence in the face. His pants are halfway down as he stumbles to the floor in pain. CHASE (CONTD) Damn, that felt good. Danny walks into the restroom. DANNY Chase?

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Danny looks at Terrence on the floor with his butt showing, trying to pull up his pants and covering his bloody lip. DANNY (CONTD) Terrence? Whats going on here? CHASE I know it looks freaky. Dont ask. DANNY OK. CHASE Lets get out of here. Chase and Danny exit the restroom. TERRENCE Youre a dead man Chase!

INT. KODAK THEATER / LOBBY - CONTINUOUS Chase walks with Danny. CHASE I didnt think you would show. DANNY Erin kept calling me to come. CHASE Really? Its good to see you man. Hey, about that contract. DANNY Lets just worry about it after the winner is announced. CHASE (beat) OK, youre right.

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DANNY Is there a seat for me in there? CHASE Yeah, dont worry about it Ill ask Spielberg to move over a seat. DANNY Nice.

INT. KODAK THEATER / STAGE - LATER Steve Martin and WHOOPI GOLDBERG walk up to the microphone to present an award. STEVE MARTIN So, Whoopi, were about to announce the big one, the one everybody has been waiting for. Whom do you have your money on? WHOOPI GOLDBERG Come on, Steve, Im not going say that... (beat) At least not up here. STEVE MARTIN Fair enough. WHOOPI GOLDBERG Although I would like see an Oscar given to the film directed by that guy whos been nominated six times. You believe that? Give that man something! He at least needs to be given a purple heart after all the suffering hes been through. STEVE MARTIN Ah yes, Mr. Chase Carpenter.

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WHOOPI GOLDBERG We had no part in swaying the Academy, but Im just saying. STEVE MARTIN And Im just saying the winner of this years Best Picture is... (opens envelope) Sons of Adam. The audience give their applause. Chase stand up and raises his arms. CHASE Yes! STEVE MARTIN Oh no. Hhere we go again. WHOOPI GOLDBERG Poor man. He must be going delusional. The team behind Sons of Adam walks up to receive their Oscar. CHASE (standing ovation) Yes! That movie was amazing! Terrence stands up visibly upset. TERRENCE (with swollen eye) Whats going on here/! This is an outrage! Conspiracy Boulevard should have won! This is ludicrous! STEVE MARTIN What is going on here?

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WHOOPI GOLDBERG Dont know, but I think we need security. Terrence, furious, walks toward the stage. Security guard come out to restrain Terrene and drag him away. TERRENCE This is ridiculous. This whole show is fixed! CHASE (to Danny) Were still in business. DANNY Yes, we are. Chase and Danny hug.

TITLE ON SCREEN: THREE MONTHS LATER

EXT. DESERT / MOVIE SET - DAY Chase sits in his directors chair during an interview. INTERVIEWER (O.S.) So Chase, when did you decide to do this film? CHASE Well, after the first one turned out to be a cult hit, I had to listen to the voice of the fans and do this. INTERVIEWER (O.S.) I see, so do you hope this one will also be nominated for an Oscar?

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CHASE I try not think about it too much, but it would be nice to have a science fiction film win Best Picture.

EXT. DESERT / MOVIE SET - LATER Actors dressed in alien costumes along with camels are walking around the movie set. The 2nd ASSISTANT CAMERA walks in front of the camera with the clapboard. 2ND ASSISTANT CAMERA Conspiracy Planet, scene one, take one and... action!

THE END