Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia "Frank Goes All Out for Pinks" Written By: Adam Schreck

WGA# 1399034 Copyright 2010

schreckdc@gmail.com phone: 202.329.8009 adam schreck 5717 N. Fairfax Drive Arlington, VA 22205

COLD OPEN TITLE: 3:15 pm TITLE: On a Thursday TITLE: Philadelphia, PA OVER TITLES, WE HEAR: MAC (V.O.) No way dude. I dont care if youre Stretch Armstrong, its just impossible. FADE IN: INT. PADDYS PUB Mac and Dennis are drinking. DENNIS I dont know, Im telling you, I was that close and I havent tried yoga or counter-weights yet. Charlie enters. MAC Well Ive tried everything. Everything. Charlie, tell him its impossible to blow yourself. CHARLIE Oh yeah, corn-doggin, its impossible. What? CHARLIE Corn-doggin? Yeah! CHARLIE Oh, come on, dont tell me youve never heard of corn-doggin? Slack-jawed stares from Dennis and Mac. DENNIS DENNIS/MAC

2. CHARLIE Corn-doggin! Come on! DENNIS Well obviously weve heard of the action-Frank enters and goes to the bar for a draft. He wears old clothes, has a grease rag and sets down an oil can. MAC But where did you get that name? CHARLIE Corn-doggin? FRANK Oh! I love corn-doggin! In fact, its been way too long since Ive gotten the dog on. Frank starts to position himself, he uses bar stools for leverage. Dee enters. DEE Whats up dick steaks? MAC Franks gonna blow himself. DEE (dead pan) Of course he is. Frank is now trying to corn-dog in earnest. DEE Look, I know we dont stand tall on ceremony around here, but will someone please stop my father from blowing himself in the middle of the bar? MAC Whats your problem? Frank topples out of the chair rig. FRANK Oh shit! I think I threw out my back!

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CHARLIE Are you okay dude? FRANK No! When I was under the hood of my 63 Ford Galaxy-MAC Thats a classic! DEE Actually, the 260hp V-8 engine that first shipped was way underpowered-Frank struggles to his feet, holding his back. He and Mac ignore Dee. FRANK (to Mac) Yeah, I know. We used to go cruising all the time. DEE Oh yeah! Me too! In high school we would hang-MAC (to Frank) Thats amazing! FRANK (to Mac) I had a sick ride, come on, Ill show you! Frank and Mac exit. Dee stares after them, incredulous. EXT. PADDYS A weathered Ford Galaxy sits by the curb. MAC Wow! This is awesome Frank! FRANK I know. I cant wait to get it back on the strip! MAC Back on the strip? What for?

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CUT TO: MAIN TITLES Title: "Frank Goes All Out for Pinks" Title: "Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia" FADE IN: INT. PADDYS - CONTINUOUS DENNIS If only you could breach those last few inches. CHARLIE Ah, the dreams of mere men. DENNIS I wouldnt ever leave the house, you know, just put Mr. Chengs delivery on speed dial, assume the position, and there you go. DEE Um, yeah. Im gonna go in the back now and punch myself repeatedly in the stomach. She exits. CHARLIE Hey! Wait! Ive got it! What? Hypnotism! DENNIS I think youre misunderstanding something here Charlie, I want to enjoy the act, to relish it, and in order for that to happen--and tell me if Im moving too fast here for you buddy--you have to actually be conscious. Thats kind of the point of the whole thing. CHARLIE DENNIS

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CHARLIE No, I know that. But using hypnotism, we can sub-consciously place a trigger, a mechanical, into the bodyDENNIS I think you mean mechanism. CHARLIE Yeah, right, a mechanic. We can place a merchant into the body and that will serve as a sub-conscious cue, it will allow ones self to relax further and reach those last couple of inches. DENNIS No, no, wait. (beat) Your ignorant butchering of the English language aside, you may be on to something here. But were thinking way too small. If we can get this hypnosis thing to work, why would sit around all day boffing ourselves? Charlie stares at him. DENNIS Charlie, if we can hypnotize people, or, more specifically, beautiful women, we can get them to do anything we want, right? Charlie stares at him. DENNIS And if we can get hotties to do anything we want... CHARLIE Oh yeah! Then we can get them to do all kinds of stuff! Like kiss us or give us massages or wash our hair or geek chickens or-DENNIS Wait wait wait. What?

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What? DENNIS What did you say at the end there? Do what to chickens? CHARLIE Oh yeah, you know, geek chickens. DENNIS No, I dont know. CHARLIE Like geek chickens, bite the heads off chickens. DENNIS What? What in the world are you talking about? CHARLIE Oh sure, back when carnies would travel around in sideshows, the one who would bite the heads off chickens was called a geek. A chicken geek. Dennis stares at him. CHARLIE What? What-what what? DENNIS Well, I was thinking more along the lines of having sex with women, but if youd rather see them bite the heads off chickens, more power to you bro. Everybodys got their thing. INT. GARAGE - LATER MAC Okay, before we hit the strip, Frank, are you listening? Frank enters. Hes shirtless and sports a leather jacket featuring a tough King Emperor penguin. The penguin wields a chain. "Penguins" is emblazoned underneath the mascot.

CHARLIE

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FRANK Ah, this is gonna be great! Were gonna go cruisin and chug Pabst and listen to doo-wop and get into chain fights and all kinds of good shit! MAC Frank! What the hell is this, "Happy Gays?" Frank grabs a wrench and starts singing. FRANK (in the style of The Penguins) "Earth angel, earth angel - Will you be mine? - My darling dear Love you all the time--" Mac yanks the wrench from Franks hand and throws it at a tool bench, it careens off loudly. Jesus Mac! MAC Look, I know its been a while since youve been on the scene, but things have changed. This aint no cake walk no more! FRANK Whats changed? MAC Well, first off, lose the jacket. FRANK No way man. This is from the days when the penguins ruled the East Side. The whip (motions to car) dont go nowhere without the jacket. MAC Okay okay fine. But its not like it used to be Frank. FRANK I know. Pabst isnt the beer of choice anymore. People think its rat piss. FRANK

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MAC Actually, hipsters have been drinking for years now. No, Im trying to tell

and wannabes overpriced Pabst listen to me, you--

FRANK You dont know what youre talking about Mac. We used to get into chain fights! Frank grabs a chain from a work bench, brandishes it and starts swinging it around. FRANK Chain fights Mac! I can handle myself. Frank shows off his moves, Mac stays well out of the way. MAC Yeah, well, whatever. But now its all ethnic and multicultural and shit. Like a Mickey Dees commercial. And the fast-and-furious scene is run by the Chicanos and the Asians. FRANK What about the Slavs? MAC What? Never mind. Look, you have to know the code, the lingua franca of the streets. Frank slams down the chain. FRANK Thats bullshit! I just want to race! Mac takes Frank by the shoulders. MAC Frank, do you want to go all out for pinks or not? FRANK Of course I do!

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MAC Okay, well, the first thing we need to do is make some changes. Like what? MAC Just leave that to me my friend. INT. PADDYS BACK OFFICE - LATER Charlie wears a pince-nez and top-hat. He holds a Victorian-era book on mesmerism and regularly looks at an illustration demonstrating the procedure. A chicken is caged in the corner. Charlie rhythmically sways an egg back and forth in front of Dennis, who watches him dubiously. CHARLIE I want you to relax, just relax and follow the egg. Remember back to a better time, a happier time, when you would sit in your coop, waiting for the feed to come, and then the farmer appeared, and youd just coo-DENNIS What the hell are you talking about? CHARLIE (upset) Are you gonna let me do this? Or are you gonna get all book-learnin and Spanish Inquisitorin and PhDin on me? Im sorry. CHARLIE You know, this isnt easy. Im trying to do the thing with the hypnotics and the poultry and youre just sitting there looking at me like, like, I dont know what, and, and--are you gonna let me do this or not? DENNIS FRANK

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DENNIS Yes, of course. CHARLIE Because youre not letting me do this. And if you dont let me-DENNIS Get on with it! CHARLIE Fine. Now. As I was saying, youre sitting in a nice, warm coop. As Charlie talks his eyes follow the rhythmic movement of the egg. CHARLIE And things were so much simpler then, on the farm, back before all the flying machines and polio vaccines and reading and confusion and reading and what not-DENNIS Look, this isnt working. Charlie? Charlie?! Charlies in a trance. Oh my God. Dennis snaps his fingers at Charlie. DENNIS Holy shit. Charlie? Charlie, can you hear me? No response. Dee enters. DEE Whats going on? DENNIS Shhh! Charlies hypnotized! What? DEE DENNIS

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DENNIS Well, we were practicing hypnotism on each other-Why? DENNIS So we could use hypnotic suggestion to bend the will of others to do our bidding. Gotcha. DENNIS And all of a sudden, next thing I know, Charlies hypnotized himself. The chicken clucks. Dennis and Dee look at the chicken, look at Charlie, and then look at each other. EXT. FRANKS GARAGE - THE NEXT DAY Mac opens the garage door, revealing his handiwork. The car is now some strange hybrid of a pimped roadster and Mexican hat-dance-mobile; its covered with reckless bling and runner lights. Its labeled "Speedy Gonzalez" and has mouse flair on the front grill. It is the chalup-ty. FRANK What the hell did you do to my ride?! MAC I pimped it! FRANK More like prostituted it. It looks like Minnie Mouse and the Taco Bell chihuahua had a bastard and this is what came out! MAC Frank, Frank, Frank. Trust me, this is gonna give us all kinds of street cred. DEE DEE

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FRANK You think so? Trust me. INT. PADDYS - DAY Dee, Dennis and Charlie wear athletic gear. A basketball rests atop the bar, Dee drapes her arm over it. CHARLIE (unclear to who) No way are you gonna win again. DEE Please. Whens the last time you beat me? Charlie ducks the question. CHARLIE Man! I cant believe the hypnotism thing didnt work. DENNIS Yeah, its drag alright. Hey, Charlie, do me a favor, will you look at this for a minute, I think theres something wrong with this egg. Dennis pulls an egg out of his pocket. CHARLIE What? What are you talking about? Come on, we dont have time for this-DENNIS Yeah. I know. Shh. Look at this egg. Shh. CHARLIE Man, youre weird. Okay, whatever. DENNIS Thats right. Dennis sways the egg in front of Charlies eyes. MAC

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DENNIS Look at the egg Charlie, and think back to a better time, a time when the hen house was warm and there were no wolves or books or flying vaccines or polio machines or readings to worry about. Dennis snaps his fingers and Charlies head goes limp. Dennis lays a loincloth/adult diaper garment on the bar in front of Charlie. Dennis and Dee quickly start changing clothes. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PARK - DAY Mac and Frank pull up. Three Latinos, MANNY, ANTONIO and SILENT JOSE, take in Franks chalup-ty. They lean against a nice ride thats anything but street legal, casually flirting with two BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. Frank, wearing his Rob Halford-cum-Fonzie get up, rolls down the window. FRANK Hey. Were two loco gringos looking for some action. MANNY (eyeing Franks queer outfit) Um, what kind of action exactly? FRANK You know. Some street action. MANNY Some street action? FRANK Yeah, you know, some street action. ANTONIO Like a gay pride parade? FRANK No, were looking for something a little more reckless, something further off the beaten path.

14. MANNY Like an anything-goes bathhouse? Mac, in the passenger seat, leans over to Frank. He wears a poncho, sombrero and Pancho Villa mustache. MAC (To Frank) I told you they wouldnt know what were talking about. Shut up! MAC The lingua franca! The code of the streets! We have to use their language! Mac thumbs an English to Spanish dictionary. MAC Umm, hollah, no, I mean..."Hola amigos"! (pronouncing the "h") They look at him. MAC Me and my ese were hoping to find some fast-moving street action, a (looks at dictionary) "cuarto de milla" where we can put down some serious paper. Mac pulls the car title and a pink slip out of the glove compartment and waves them. Manny, Antonio and Silent Jose look at Franks car. In that? MANNY Its a chalup-ty! Manny and his crew laugh. FRANK (frustrated) Its not a chalup-ty! This thing will crush! Look, were just a couple of restless hombres looking to go all out for pinks. ANTONIO FRANK

15. MANNY Oh, well, why didnt you say so? Tell you what, you come back here in a couple of hours and I guarantee you youll find the action youre looking for. MAC Really? It wont even be dark then. Isnt that an odd time? ANTONIO Yeah, we do it then so the fuzz dont catch on. You know, were sticking it to the man. The fuzz. FRANK Oh, yeah, right. The fuzz. The fuzz! They laugh heartily. A little too heartily. Silent Jose smiles widely. The fuzz! Mac and Frank laugh too, forcing it. They all laugh along for a bit. Mac and Frank dont know why theyre laughing so long and hard, but they keep pace. Suddenly, Manny and his crew stop. Mac and Frank bite off their laughter. ANTONIO (harshly) We hate the fuzz man! MAC Oh, we hate the fuzz too chico! Theyre always running us down. MANNY Well, I dont know if were ready to get into the mix with some lawless speedsters like you. FRANK Too late! Weve already got the info! And soon were going to have your wheels and your chicas too! MAC/FRANK MANNY/ANTONIO

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MAC Arrivederci pesos! Frank tries to lay rubber as they pull out. It doesnt work. MAC No dude, youve got to pop the clutch! FRANK It doesnt have a clutch you shitheel. Mac fusses at the steering console. MAC Well then try-FRANK I know, I know! Just leave me alone! Mac re-doubles his effort, Frank swipes his hand away and finally drops the car into gear, sending them off erratically. MAC Sayonara suckas! EXT. UPSCALE OUTDOOR SHOPPING MALL - LATER Dennis is dressed as a carnival barker, complete with top-hat, cane and cape. He stands on a stage labeled "The Missing Link." Chickens peck around a yard enclosed by chicken wire. Dee, awkwardly, plays the stage candy. She wears a sequined one-piece that looks like it was picked up at a VictorianEra pawn shop. Nearby, PETA PROTESTERS picket a high-end department store for selling furs. DENNIS Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, men and women, ladies and gentleboys! Throughout time, the cosmos has presented us with infinitestinal--

17. DEE Thats infinitesimal. As Dennis snake-oil pitch ramps up, a handful of PETA protesters walk over, distastefully noticing the chickens. DENNIS --infinite mysteries. Easter Island. The Bermuda Triangle. The Los Angeles Clippers. That whole thing that happened with the dinosaurs dying and-Some women, obviously from the SOCCER MOM SET and out shopping, watch tensely. They clutch purchases and keep THEIR KIDS under close watch, unsure of what theyre seeing. DEE Jurassic park! DENNIS --extinction stuff. But throughout the ages, perhaps nothing has shocked, appalled and baffled man so much as the "missing link!" The full contingent of PETA protesters now watch Dennis. DENNIS Now, for the first time ever in Philadelphia, I give you-Dennis and Dee sweep back the curtain revealing Charlie, dirty, dazed and disheveled. DENNIS The missing link--the chicken geek! Charlie wears the loincloth/adult diaper garment. He blinks his eyes, blinks his eyes--and then starts chasing chickens like a rabid animal. The PETA protesters howl in anger, attacking Dee, Dennis and Charlie with their picket signs. PETA PROTESTER 1 The humanity! How could you! PETA PROTESTER 2 ...if some diapered man tried to bite off your head! The soccer moms frantically protect their children and valuable purchases, while taking swipes at Dennis and Dee.

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Chaos ensues. Charlie continues chasing chickens, at times getting confused and trying to geek the protesters and soccer moms. This sends them into wilder paroxysms. DENNIS (fends off blows) Come on! Were just entertainers! DEE (fends off blows) Like Lady Gaga! DENNIS (fends off blows) Or Katie Couric! Were innocents! PETA PROTESTER 1 ...report you to the SPCA! Horrible, horrible people! A LITTLE BOY is chasing chickens with Charlie. SOCCER MOM Billy! Billy! No! Do not geek the nice chicken! DEE (fends off blows) No! Wait! You dont understandPETA PROTESTER 2 Bob Barker would kick your ass! Dennis and Dee flee. Charlie follows, occasionally sidetracked by an errant chicken. EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD PARK - LATER BOYS line up bicycles for a downhill race. Mac and Frank pull up in the chalup-ty. Doo-wop plays on the radio. Frank chugs beer. FRANK I think we can take em. MAC Come on, lets get out of here.

19. INT. PADDYS - LATER Dee, Dennis and Charlie enter, still in costume and the worse for wear. Charlie, still hypnotized, gnaws a stringy chicken neck. His body is marked by chicken droppings, feathers and corn feed. DEE People just dont appreciate wholesome entertainment anymore, you know? DENNIS I know sister! I mean, what more could you want than a good old-timey geek show? Charlie pecks at something on the floor. DEE (re: Charlie) What about him? DENNIS Oh, this is the best part. Watch this. Dennis pulls out an egg. DENNIS (to Charlie) Meckah-leckah-hi meckah H.L. Mencken, I now de-mesmerize you from the clucking chicken! Charlie comes to. CHARLIE Whoa. What the-He spits out the chicken neck. CHARLIE Blech!! Why do I look like this? Uggh. Theres, like, some kind of feed all over me. And poopy things! Charlie peels off chicken feathers and detritus. Dennis and Dee glance at each other nervously. DEE Oh, yeah, dont sweat that, just the usual. You know, I was whooping your ass on the court again--

20. CHARLIE But youre not wearing basketball clothes, and you (to Dennis) look like Doug Henning-DEE --and we worked up such an appetite playing that when we went by Ms. Tootsies you started eating all the fried chicken-DENNIS (OVER) --and everything else-DEE (OVER) --everything else-DENNIS --in sight. Charlie looks down at his tattered loincloth, then back at Dee and Dennis, questioningly. DEE Oh, yeah, and, um...then you started taking off your clothes-DENNIS --and rubbing small vermin droppings-DEE --and feathers all over yourself. Yeah! Awkward silence. CHARLIE I dont remember any of that. (beat) Whatever dudes. Im gonna get cleaned up. Charlie exits. DENNIS So why dont people like it? DEE Oh, I dont know. Maybe they dont want to see a man bite the head off a live chicken. DENNIS/DEE

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DENNIS No, no, that cant be it. I think we need to find the right audience, get the right crowd. DEE One that appreciates violence and chickens? DENNIS Yes. Exactly. One that appreciates violence and chickens. Hmmmm... Frank and Mac enter. Frank still has on his penguins jacket. DEE (to Frank) Whoa! Hell bent for leather! Whats up Judas Priest? FRANK Give me a Pabst dammit! DENNIS (to Frank) Macho macho man! I want to be, a macho man! FRANK (noticing their attire) And whats with you two? DEE Nothing. Absolutely nothing. FRANK Hey, how long do I have to wait to get a drink in my own bar? Wheres my Pabst? DEE Whoa. Who crapped your hat rack? Dee gets Frank a beer. MAC Hes bummed because we havent found a place to go all out for pinks. DEE So no luck on Broad?

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What? DEE Oh, yeah. Broad street. Thats where the real shit goes down. I was down there all the time in high-school. MAC Oh my God! You know where to go? FRANK Why didnt you say something sooner? Dee stares at them. MAC Shit Dee! Weve been running around in circles! Goddammit! DEE Dont you remember in high school when I dated Manny "Manifold" Morales? (gets sidetracked) Hmmm, I wonder what ever happened to that guy... DENNIS (to Dee) Okay. So. The Missing Link. What now? MAC The Missing Link? DEE I dont know what youre gonna do, but Im done. That little scene was more than enough for me. FRANK What little scene? MAC Yeah, whats going on? FRANK

FRANK/MAC

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DENNIS Its nothing, just a side project we were doing with Char-Charlie enters with a distasteful look. CHARLIE Ive got this strange taste in my mouth, I cant quite place it. Its like rot-MAC (INT.) Well. Finally. Now maybe we can get to the bottom of-DENNIS (INT.) (to Charlie) Look buddy, I feel bad after she destroyed you on the court--again. What if I buy you dinner? Really? FRANK Wait, arent you going to tell us what-Dennis moves Charlie towards the exit. DENNIS (INT.) Sure. Its the least I can do. I know the perfect spot. CHARLIE One with corn-dogs? And pudding? DENNIS Absolutely! Dennis shoves Charlie out the front door. Dee? DEE No, Im out. I think Im gonna head down to Broad with these turd-lickers and re-live some of my glory days. DENNIS CHARLIE

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INT. CHALUP-TY, EN ROUTE TO BROAD STREET Frank drives, Mac rides shotgun, Dees in the backseat. FRANK Man! Its been way too long. I need to get into the right frame of mind for dragging. He turns on the radio. "The Great Pretender" by the Platters fills the car. Beer me. Dee passes up Pabst. Yeah! MAC Now were talking! FRANK Thats the stuff! Heres to doo-wop! MAC (holding up the can) And po-mo hipsters! Beers are popped. Genial revelry ensues. DEE I wonder if Ill run into old Manny the "Manifold" down here. As Dee muses about her Latin lover, Mac puts on his poncho and sombrero. DEE Boy, Manny sure knew how to handle his clutch...and so much more. Mac affixes his mustache. DEE Oh my God. What are you doing? MAC Um, getting ready to drag. DEE FRANK

25. DEE With who? Pancho Villa? What? Who? DEE Jeez, no wonder you clowns couldnt find any action. Asshole mosquito brains. FRANK Come on Dee! All this negative energy is bringing me down. MAC Yeah, we need to be in a good place to drag. DEE Okay, okay. Frank starts singing the "Great Pretender." FRANK "Oh yes Im the great pretender Just laughing and gay like a clown; I seem to be what Im not..." EXT. SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD - DUSK Dennis leads Charlie along the sidewalk. Charlie lugs a large, antiquated cargo trunk. Its labeled "The Missing Link." Dennis compares the street addresses to one he has written on a piece of scrap paper. CHARLIE Dennis, I appreciate your offer to treat, but I didnt know hauling this trunk was part of the deal. DENNIS Come on Charlie, youve got to work a little bit. Theres no such thing in life as a free meal. CHARLIE And I know I dont have caviar tastes, but are you sure theres a place to eat around here thats not condemned? A nearby gunshot punctuates Charlies question. MAC

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DENNIS Absolutely. Ah! Here we go! Dennis steps over a passed-out derelict, still clutching a Drano bottle. He turns down an alley. Charlie follows. At the end of the alley a dingy sign, "Cluckin Chicken Cockfights," clings to an old fence. A DEFEATED COCK OWNER exits. As he leaves, the din inside can be heard. DENNIS (to self) Perfect. CHARLIE Um, Dennis? DENNIS Yep, here we are. Dennis motions to the sign. DENNIS Simones Chicken Shack! Charlie looks at the sign. CHARLIE (approvingly) Oh yeah, Simones, Ive heard about this place. Dennis looks for the best place to put the Missing Link stage. DENNIS Rated by the city guide as one of the best places around for real, down-home cooking. CHARLIE Great. Im starving. Dennis finds a suitable location for the stage. He directs Charlie. DENNIS Put that trunk down, there. Okay. Great. Now, before we go in, if youll sit down real quick-Dennis guides Charlie to the trunk and pulls out an egg.

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CHARLIE Oh come on dude, not this stupid egg stuff again. Man, whats with you! Come on, lets go! DENNIS Shhh, just a minute... Dennis sways the egg in front of Charlies eyes. EXT. BROAD STREET - SAME TIME A bustling scene right out of the Fast and Furious. Manny, Antonio and Silent Jose are among DOZENS OF DRIVERS and cars. As Frank, Dee and Mac pull up in the chalup-ty, they crescendo together at the end of "Great Pretender." MAC/FRANK/DEE "... Im wearing my heart like a crown; Pretending that youre still around!" All street action stops. The doors open as the final notes die. Empty beer cans spill out of the car. Everyone looks at the chalup-ty and its occupants. Mac gets out, fumbling with his poncho. MAC Hola! (pronounces the h) Silence. MAC Were here to go all out for pinks! Silence. Dee climbs out of the back seat. MANNY Dee? Dee Reynolds? DEE Manifol--I mean--Manny! How are you?

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MANNY Fine, I guess. How about you? And what the hell are you doing with these nimrods? DEE Oh! Them. Nothing, theyre just some guys I met on the way down here. So...you look great! Dee rubs Mannys well-muscled arms. MANNY Thanks Dee. Whatever happened to your spindly bro-Frank steps in between them. FRANK (INT.) Okay okay, thats enough chit-chat. Weve been waiting for this for a long time. MAC At least three hours! Antonio and Silent Jose come up behind Manny. FRANK At least. You guys tricked us before, but we caught up with you. MAC And now its time to go up around Dead Mans Curve! Puzzled looks from the crowd. A SPECTATOR mouths "Dead Mans Curve?" ANTONIO What are you talking about? MAC We want to race you! Seriously? FRANK Are you scared? MANNY

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MANNY You mean you want to race your car, that thing-ANTONIO The chalup-ty! MANNY Right. The chalup-ty. Against mine? Yes! MANNY And, to make sure were absolutely crystal clear about this, whoever wins gets the losers car? Yes! MANNY (beat) Tell me, why would I even want that thing? FRANK So, are you saying youre scared? That you wont race me? That you know Speedy G will take you? EXT. SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUS The cockfights end. A good-sized crowd exits, some carrying chickens. The crowd is clearly more receptive, and hard-edged, than the earlier group Dennis pitched. DENNIS Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, gentleboys and-RESTLESS CROWD MEMBER Get on with it! DENNIS Oh! My! Mercy! Obviously you dont appreciate the subtleties of master showmanship. FRANK MAC/FRANK

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EXT. BROAD STREET - CONTINUOUS (SIMULTANEOUSLY) Dee stands in front of the chalup-ty and Mannys car. They idle. Frank and Mac are in the chalup-ty; Manny, Antonio and Silent Jose are in Mannys car. Manny revs his engine. It roars like a lion. Frank revs his engine. It wheezes like a sick giraffe. Dee raises a white handkerchief over her head. EXT. SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUS (SIMULTANEOUSLY) RESTLESS CROWD MEMBER #2 Come on already! DENNIS Please! If youll humor me for just a minute! Allow me to set the stage. Now, ages ago-A crazed METH-HEAD jumps on-stage, threatening Dennis with a rusty pipe. METH-HEAD Party dance show! Now! Bongos! DENNIS Okay! Well then, without any further ado...the missing link--the chicken geek! He pulls back the curtain. EXT. BROAD STREET - CONTINUOUS (SIMULTANEOUSLY) Dee drops her arm and lets go of the handkerchief. It hits the ground. Mannys car burns rubber as it leaps from the starting line. The chalup-ty stalls. Shit! FRANK

31. MAC No! Frank re-starts the car and manages to get off the starting line. EXT. SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD - CONTINUOUS Charlie starts chasing chickens. The crowd not only encourages him, but a couple of spectators join in. Others throw their own chickens in the pen for Charlie to chase. DENNIS Um, ladies and gentleman, I dont think you understand. The art of geeking is meant to be performed by highly-trained professionals in a strictly controlled environment. Charlie has somehow managed to grab a chicken. Meth-head grabs it too, fighting Charlie for possession of it. DENNIS No, sir, please. Mr. Crazy? Barney dope? Sir? No, thats really not a good idea. As Charlie and Meth-head battle one another, the chicken breaks free of their collective grasp. Charlie jumps the chicken wire fence, chases the chicken and runs away. Meth-Head turns towards Dennis. METH-HEAD Begock. Begock! Dumbledore waif! Meth-Head advances. Dennis looks at the stage, the increasingly rowdy crowd, Meth-Head, and then makes a critical decision; he turns tail and runs. Dennis picks up Charlies escape route. EXT. BROAD STREET - CONTINUOUS SPECTATORS have spread themselves along the drag-strip. They cheer rowdily. Frank and Mac are well behind. MAC Come on Frank! I thought you said this thing could smoke anything on the street!

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FRANK That was forty years ago! They must have done some kind of illegal modification to their car or something! I dont get it! EXT. BROAD STREET, LAST 20 YARDS OF DRAG STRIP - CONTINUOUS Charlie, still hypnotized, runs towards the drag strip. Dennis is right behind him. Charlie pauses briefly when he gets to the spectators lining the strip. DENNIS Charlie! No! Dennis lunges at Charlie; tries to grab him. He misses, instead, grabbing Charlies loincloth/adult diaper garment. Charlie runs onto the strip, naked. Dennis looks at the garment in his hand and then at Charlies fleeing backside. INT. MANNYS CAR - CONTINUOUS Charlie appears through the windshield. MANNY What the hell? ANTONIO Is that a naked man? Silent Jose stares in disbelief. INT. THE CHALUP-TY - CONTINUOUS FRANK (motions with his hand) Charlie! Charlie! Get out of the way! Idiot! EXT. BROAD STREET, LAST 20 YARDS OF DRAG STRIP - CONTINUOUS Charlie looks down and sees that hes naked. He begins to corn dog. Onlookers are horrified. MAC

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EXT. BROAD STREET, BEGINNING OF RACE STRIP - CONTINUOUS DEE What the...? Oh no! Corn-doggin! Oh my God! (gagging) INT. THE CHALUP-TY - CONTINUOUS MAC Hunh! It works! EXT. BROAD STREET, LAST 20 YARDS OF DRAG STRIP - CONTINUOUS DENNIS (emotionally) And the hand of God reached down unto the chosen one, bestowing the gift of gifts. Beautiful. Just, beautiful. INT. THE CHALUP-TY - CONTINUOUS FRANK Yes! Charlie! Treat yourself! Frank pounds the horn in glee. "La Cucaracha" plays. FRANK Do it to it buddy! Frank acts like hes chowing down a corn dog. MAC (affecting a Mexican yell) Aiieee-leee-leee-leee! Mac discharges imaginary pistols into the air. FRANK Mmmmm! 100% percent all-American wiener! INT. MANNYS CAR - CONTINUOUS MANNY What the hell?

34. ANTONIO Is he actually...no, he cant be. Thats impossible. Silent Jose stares in disbelief. As Manny, Antonio and Silent Jose pass Charlie, their heads swivel in unison, trying to comprehend the sight before their eyes. Manny doesnt realize hes running off course. Onlookers flee in panic, screaming and trying to escape the vehicle. INT. THE CHALUP-TY - CONTINUOUS Mac and Frank see Manny going off course. Frank! Yes! Frank drains a beer and crushes the can against his head. FRANK Yeah! USA! Penguins! He blasts doo-wop and waddles side-to-side in his seat. EXT. BROAD STREET, FINISH LINE, OFF COURSE - CONTINUOUS Manny pries his eyes off Charlie just in time to see a wall looming ahead. He slams on the brakes but its too late. They crash into the wall, the hood accordions from the impact. EXT. BROAD STREET, FINISH LINE - CONTINUOUS The chalup-ty crosses the finish line at about 30 mph. Frank and Mac exit the car, Dennis and Dee run up. Yes! DEE Wow. Ive got to hand it to you Frank. I didnt think you had it in you, but you did. DENNIS FRANK MAC

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FRANK I told you guys! They notice the smoldering wreck of Mannys car as the occupants warily exit. Oh. FRANK Enh. Whaddya gonna do, you win some, you lose some. Charlie comes over, trying to cover his nudity. CHARLIE (coming to) Um, can someone-DENNIS (INT.) (handing Charlie his cape) Here you go buddy. CHARLIE What in the world-DENNIS Dont worry about all that right now. Its a long story. Dennis puts his arm around Charlies shoulders, leading him away from the gang. DENNIS Charlie, I have to tell you something that will change our lives forever. FADE OUT END OF EPISODE MAC