IMPERIAL INSECURITY

Today is an auspicious day for the New Republic. One New Republic Border Authority Colonel Wullf Yularen has retired officially. Why is this something to celebrate, besides the removing of another senile old bureaucrat? Because he was ludicrously corrupt. Amid allegations of sexual harassment, misconduct, fraud, extortion, bribery, conspiracy, and a host of other issues, it turns out that the good Colonel was A BILLION SPECIES, A BILLION PRODUCTS It s that time of galactic year again, Tatooine is holding its massive auction of rare items, queer oddities, and overall spoils for the rich. This year had a number of fantastic entries including the beautiful painting Twilight New Moon and its much less wonderful brother Killik Twilight. Durga the Hutt was among the many dignitaries and spectators, and he ended up purchasing one of the two paintings, though his bank

actually once a part of the Imperial Security Bureau, and if there is anything this station has learned to hate, it is those bastards. Just last week, the old colonel let through a bunch of Imperial agents while also harassing a group of travelers for sexual favors that somehow ended with a hole in the wall, if you know what I mean. May he rot in retirement. Willy Double Star Shatner

seemed to run dry when it came to the lesser brother so to speak. Sounds like a bad Twi lek Friday night. Still, a holocron of the old Boonta Eve Classic where young Anakin Skywalker carried the day in his makeshift speeder sold for a reasonable price, and subsequent auctions of Leia Oregana s original slave garments and her supposed sex tape sold for remarkably more to a rather embarrassed dignitary. Best of luck to him, I m sure he has already lived down his embarrassment *cough Borsk Fey lya cough*. Fred Long-Short Varley

DANTOOINE TREASURES AND A TALE OF THIEVES

the Jedi Enclave on Dantooine. True I have gotten some riches, and yes I am fatter due to my new found wealth, but I am still around to tell you the wonderful stories that you deserve to hear. On my latest adventure, I got stuck fighting some deadly ancient Jedi training droids when a dark spirit tried to chase me away. My buffoonish comrades just stood by so I fought him as best I could, and when I managed to crush him, my bewildered comrades were awestruck and I got my hands on the best goods from the vault within.

Hello my dearies, boy do I have news for you. I just survived a hell of an adventure, dodging droids wielding lightsabers, Imperial patrols, and even roving bands of barbarous, monstrous, hideous, troll-like tomb thieves who claim they hail from imperial space. In the end, I cooperated with them, because I was the smarter, and when they looked the other way, I liberated the jedi artifacts deep below the surface of

So what did I find? Just some wickedly awesome Experimental jedi Armor, a Sith amulet pulsing wwith power, a venerable old jedi spirit in a holocron, and a host of intricate lightsabers, some that seem much too advanced for that time. I did hand over some of the goods to the proper authorities, but I kept the best to myself. Perhaps I should undertake another wonderful expedition into the unknown. Look to me next time for more daring adventures with Anselm Miclyne! Anselm Miclyne

MRISST: OCCUPATION OR LIBERATION?

Today my readers is a sad day for the New Republic, the Imperial Remnant has captured Mrisst. Now, just as most of you, I have this dreadful feeling of where the hell is Mrisst and why do I care? Well, It seems to be somewhat close to Coruscant and the Empire struck hard, fast, and silenced the planet entirely, closing all communications. Even now, Republic ships are gathering and will begin an assault based on this information, but the question remains, do we need to capture it? Is it possible that Mrisst is better under Imperial control, that the new regime cares more for its needs and rather than simply occupying it, the Empire liberated it from a worse regime? Well, it is my luck that I have a source on the inside, someonw close to the top and able to transmit the information we need.

It turns out the Mrisst fell without a fight, without a single blaster being fired. When the Imperials arrived, the governor merely switched his badge from one side of his chest to the other and stepped down in favor a new governor, one who is not a coward like the former but also caring enough to provide for his people. Moff Sill Sirenan has already put the people to work, industrializing the relatively young planet, and already the average standard of living is increasing. The Imperials brought fortifications with them, but the governor instead chose to deploy sensitive and necessary social welfare programs and fixtures, like modern medbays, repairbays, schools, and the like. Sounds like my kind of man.

So what does this mean? This governor has provided more in two weeks than the New Republic provided in 5 years. Perhaps we were too harsh on the Imperials. Maybe the top was at times corrupt, and maybe the bureaucracy was rather long and dreadfully slow, but at least stuff got done on time, and effectively. Needs were seen to, and unlike the New Republic, largely in competent ways. Maybe I should switch my cap around and cheer for the other side for once. We shall see. For now, hang tight on your home planets, because I promise you, the future seems quite bright if the rest of the planets follow Mrisst s example. Geraldine Fleitcher

TRAGEDY ON KASHYYYK
This week, Lady Leia Oregana Solo visited Kashyyyk on a peace mission so that she could most likely consolidate power and defeat the Borsk Fey lya coalition in the Inner Council. Almost immediately the day was off to a rough start, as the ship too some fire from misaligned orbital defenses, and later the coarse and rough dinner between her and Kerritharr, the male Wookiee politican on Fey lya s side, hardly settled matters. Her first day seemed quite tough, though it ended on a bright note when the general Wookiee populace responded positively to her presence along with Chewbacca s uplifting speech, yet it was merely a bright light foreshadowing the night to come. That night, Imperial Commandos landed on Kashyyyk and made their way into the city, avoiding Republic and Wookie security forces until they got to the innermost sanctums of the city of Thikkiianna, the small industrial sector of the planet, until they were in position to capture their prey.

That night, the commandos struck, killing Lady Oregana s guards and ultimately leading a kidnapping party into her quarters. They took her and tried to escape with her, but Lady Oregana s quick thinking and limited force abilities assited her in her escape. Eventually, the commandos were routed by the native Wookiees, who in great anger pursued their prey. Kerritharr, embarrassed over this breach of security, immediately changed his tone and has vowed to side with Lady Oregana on all future legislation. As for the Lady herself, she is heading further into her plans for a united political offensive against the Remnant, and her next target is yet unknown, though she shows no signs of fear for the immediate future. Jeremy de la Rochetaillee