Advice on Advice Biblical Principles on How to Get and Give Advice

All scripture quotations unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version, NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. Copyright 2008 by K Wakefield All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by an means, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or by any information storage and retrieved system, without permission in writing from the Copyright holder and Publisher.

contents Introduction Part I Where to Get Good Advice 1. Prudent Advisor 2. Dont Overlook the Obvious 3. Ask for Wisdom 4. Take the Yellow Brick Road 5. Go to the Expert 6. Look to the Older and Wiser 7. Advice Affects Those Around You 8. Get Others Involved When You Need to 9. Trusting Your Gut 10. Forming Your Own Opinion Part II Advisors to Avoid 11. Its Mine Advisors 12. Avoid Talkers Who Arent Walkers 13. The Negative Nelly Advisor 14. The Sprint Running Advisor 15. The Go For It Advisor 16. The White Lie Advisor 17. The Follow Your Heart Advisor 18. Avoid Shallow Advice 19. Avoid Tainted Advice 20. Weed Through the Crazies Part III When to Advise Others 21. When You Have Removed the Plank from Your Eye 22. When You Have the Answer 23. Advise When People Ask 24. When its the Right Thing to Do Part IV Becoming a Good Advisor 25. Listen Up 26. Learn to Say I Dont Know. 27. Sometimes You Will Be Met with Resistance 28. Dont Complicate Things 29. No Need for I Told You So. 30. Check Your Emotional Position 31. Learning to Say No to Bad Advice 32. Be Responsible 33. Let Your Light of Advice Shine 3 6 8 9 12 15 18 22 24 26 29 31 35 38 40 43 46 48 50 53 56 60 62 64 66 67 70 72 74 76 77 78 80 83

Introduction

Ive had more than enough of my share of bad and good advice. Before it dawned on me that Biblical principles could easily be applied to advice, I collected the experiences of following good and bad advice in a bucket labeled Been there, done that. I have been almost all of the advisors mentioned in my book until I learned that running from problems, having a negative attitude, and not being candid with others was not going to get me or the people I encountered far. I was complicating my life with bad advice. Others had complicated my life as well, giving me mounds of crazy and superficial information when I was searching for answers on how to diet properly or what type of car to buy. Using personal experiences, common sense, and Biblical wisdom has enabled me to share what I've learned with you when it comes to the world of advice. The road to answers and the quest to picking out the right thing to say or do isnt always easy, but its time to make it easier by learning how to get and give advice. Information has the capability to change your life, so learn how it can change your life for the better. Im sure there is much more for me to learn about getting and giving advice, but in this book I will share what Ive learned so far. Its also very important to remember that good advice from others will not always answer all of our problems. There are times we are in a hurry to seek advice and fix problems when we should be sitting still. Some problems simply

cannot be fixed by our own hands, and we must learn to hand those dilemmas over to God in prayer.

1 Peter 5:7 - Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

Sometimes instead of seeking advice from others we should be letting go, and letting God. When we scramble to find the answers and fix problems that are impossible for us to fix on our own, we simply end up wearing ourselves out emotionally and physically. The emotional and physical wear comes from all the stress and frustration of trying to solve problems too big for us to handle. It is important to realize when we need to simply stop working towards a solution and pray. Before going to someone else for advice, consider whether you have consulted God prayerfully. God may choose to give you advice directly through another person, but He could also use a different venue to shed some light on the answer. He can choose to speak to you directly or through His word. Pray first, act later should be the motto of those who want their steps guided by the lamp of His light. Prayer is the illumination that puts the spotlight on our steps. Those who are marching forth in darkness often stumble, but when the light of prayer guides our steps, we dont have to worry about falling. When you can see where you are going, then you can move forward confidently.

1 Thessalonians 5:17 - pray continually.

Once we let go of the situation and have faith that God has us covered we become emotionally liberated. The liberation can only take place by truly believing that all things are going to work out for our good. We become fully liberated when we believe God will fix the problem we could not fix on our own. 1 Kings 22:5 - But Jehoshaphat also said to the king of Israel, "First seek the counsel of the Lord." We should never approach any problem without consulting God first. Prayer should be our first response, not our last resort. Trying everything else and then praying is like trying to work through a problem backwards. Before we seek the counsel of others its necessary to first seek God. He may bring other people into your life to give words to you, speak to you through His word, or it may be a still, small voice deep within your spirit that says: This is the way, turn here.

Part I Where to Get Good Advice

one

The Prudent Advisor

I have never been saved from a lions den but God has delivered me from a boring cubicle. Ive never assisted Kings, but Im my husbands helpmeet. And no, Ive never interpreted dreams but I managed to figure out that the Spanish sign at the post office Im no Daniel. Daniel was a Prudent Advisor. He was prudent because he knew the mechanics of getting and giving advice and had insight given to him from the most reliable source there is God. Daniels genius and super advising skills enabled him to gain hefty promotions and excel in the life God gave him. He was promoted often because the people in charge could clearly see that he was a Prudent Advisor. They relied on Daniel for good information. Daniel is my example and he should also be yours (along with Jesus of course) of what a prudent advisor is, says, and does. His counsel was sought by rulers and used to build kingdoms. He is one Biblical hero that has a flawless record in the Old Testament. With Daniel, there is no mention of philandering, worshiping other Gods, or persecuting Christians. He is a perfect example of a life submerged in complete obedience to God. People trusted Daniel to give good information and he didnt let them down. The dictionary defines prudent as being wise or judicious in practical affairs. Prudent people laugh in the face of bad advice because they have

discerning eyes and ears led by the Spirit of God. The eyes of the Prudent help them weed out the bad, so they are left with the good. Daniel was a prudent advisor. We could all use a bit of good advice. Advice is powerful. It can be liberating, clarifying, and prospering. Unfortunately, advice also has the potential to be confusing and devastating. When we become cognizant of whose advice to take and whose advice to avoid we do a great service to ourselves. We become Prudent Advisees and Advisors. The Prudent Advisee and Advisor is what I hope for you to become. The Prudent Advisee also knows that when we hear good advice it is in our best interest to open an ear. Proverbs 19:20 - Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.

When we are prudent we accept good advice and instruction carefully and then sit back and watch our life profit from the good advice we put into practice. One vital thing the Prudent Advisor does is learn from experiences that non-verbal advice gives. They are able to advise themselves by accumulating vital experiences that they can effectively apply to their lives later. You become a Prudent Advisor when you become aware that mining for good advice is a process. There is a sea of bad information that one must swim through in order to get to the good. The Prudent swim through the sea of information and avoid taking in any of the bad.

The chapters that follow will teach you how to become a Prudent Advisor. The Prudent Advisor and Advisee know who to go to for advice, how to get advice, and understand the mechanics of being a good advisor to others.

10

two

Dont Overlook The Obvious

In Gerald Weinbergs book The Secrets of Consulting he displays a method of problem solving by using this skit: a patient would come in and say, Dr Krankheit, it hurts when I turn my head like this. Krankheit would gaze at the poor sufferer and say, with infinite medical wisdom in his voice, Dont turn your head like that! When giving or receiving advice its important that we dont overlook the obvious. We have to think of all options. Every good available choice out there should be taken into consideration. One of the most frustrating things that could happen is to have a great option completely overlooked. Completely overlooking the best option happens more often than not, especially in more complex situations. Sometimes the best advice is right under our noses and is overlooked. Our eyes have a difficult time seeing what is under the nose. Good advice doesnt just look at all options but it also weighs the pros and cons to all of those options. Many of lifes answers are right in front of us but we have huddled around the problem so closely we cannot recognize the solution on the surface. When we overlook the obvious, its as if we stare into deep waters looking for answers while truth is floating on the surface.

11

three

Ask For Wisdom

Proverbs 19:8 - He who gets wisdom loves his own soul; he who cherishes understanding prospers. Proverbs 2:2 Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understanding.

Apparently, the younger you are when you get your wisdom teeth pulled, the less painful the experience. Its sort of like catching the chicken pox - it itches when youre seven, but it kills you when youre thirty. I was an adult when I had my wisdom teeth pulled. At the time, I was working for a consulting firm and I can remember calling the office and telling them that it would only take me a day or two to recover. I was wrong. First, I was put to sleep before the surgery began. The anesthesia started to wear off towards the end of the surgery and although I couldnt open my eyes I moaned to notify the surgeon that I had woken up and could feel the drilling. This was only the beginning of the trauma I would endure from having my teeth pulled. Bleeding, vomiting, and dry sockets kept me glued to a couch and becoming more emaciated by the hour. By the time the ordeal was over I had spent 2500 dollars, had two weeks of pain, and was so thin that I looked sick. I had always wondered why they call them wisdom teeth. I found out the reason they call them wisdom teeth is because they start to appear in your mouth later in life. You cant see them when you are very young because they take their

12

time to develop with age as wisdom often does. As we mature we get a bit wiser, and our maturity is beneficial to us because we need wisdom to be good advisors. The dictionary defines wisdom as knowledge of what is true or right coupled with good judgment, discernment, or insight. Wisdom is not solely intellectual. It is a natural, emotional intuition or insight based on environmental and spiritual observations. Wisdom can see what knowledge fails to, which is why we are encouraged repeatedly in the book of Proverbs to seek both wisdom and knowledge. Wisdom will always be needed when receiving or giving good advice. Every morsel of great advice is always anointed with a little wisdom. The most brilliant man in recorded Biblical history (besides Jesus) was King Solomon. He had been given so much wisdom that foreign ears gathered to hear what he had to say. King Solomon was granted this wisdom from God in order to effectively govern the Israelites. His wisdom and knowledge were so unsurpassed that the Book of Proverbs was primarily written by him. So how did King Solomon receive such wisdom and insight? He obtained the wisdom by simply asking God. God granted him wisdom and knowledge to correctly advise and govern his chosen people, the Israelites.

James 1:5 - If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.

13

King Solomon did not doubt that God would give him the wisdom he asked for. He believed God wanted great things for him and because of his belief he received great things. He also knew he could not be a great advisor to himself and others if he lacked wisdom. When he asked God to give him wisdom, the Lord was so pleased with his request that He gave him money and fame to accompany the wisdom!

2 Chronicles 1:10-12 Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?" God said to Solomon, "Since this is your heart's desire and you have not asked for wealth, riches or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, riches and honor, such as no king who was before you ever had and none after you will have." A good advisor requires wisdom and knowledge and there is a special type of wisdom and knowledge different from that of the world, and it only comes from God. If we want to be in a place where we can advise ourselves and others, we must be in a place where we are willing and anxious to receive wisdom from God.

14

2 Chronicle 10:22 - King Solomon was greater in riches and wisdom than all the other kings of the earth. All the kings of the earth sought audience with Solomon to hear the wisdom God had put in his heart.

15

four

Take The Yellow Brick Road

For those of you not familiar with the story The Wizard of Oz or just get it confused with Alices Adventures in Wonderland like I often do, here is how I envision The Wizard of Oz; A little girl named Dorothy along with her Yorkshire Terrier gets swept up in a tornado after she goes outside to take a closer look. The tornado is not just any normal act of nature. Its a supernatural storm system that transports her and the dog to another world. The new world is full of munchkins that frighten her with annoying songs. After hearing several munchkins sing off-key Dorothy wants to go home. Someone tells her to follow the yellow brick road to a divine advisor (a wizard) who will tell her how to get back home. Along the way she meets three guys. One is dressed like a lion, the other like a tin man, and the last one wears a scarecrow costume. The lion will accompany her to the divine being because he wants courage. The tin man wants a heart, and the scarecrow wants a brain, so they too jump on the bandwagon. I used this story to demonstrate three things that are essential to getting good advice. Allow me to elaborate; imagine the scarecrow that lacked a brain advising only from his heart with compassion and courage. He might say to little miss tornado chaser; You should just wish upon a star to get home. Because the scarecrow lacks the intelligence to know that stars or wishing rarely physically get you anywhere, his advice will not be of good use. The scarecrow

16

advised from his heart and his heart is composed of emotional sentiments that enjoy the stars, wishes, and other heartfelt things, but he lacks the intelligent rationale that is needed for Dorothy to arrive home safely. Now imagine the lion and his lack of courage. He tells Dorothy; In order to get home, you need to take highway 218 to 77 until you get to interstate 70 and then make a left. But you should really avoid Interstate 70 because the drivers are so terrible they may run you off the road! He winces in fear then cries Road Rage! repeatedly in complete horror. Eventually, Dorothy is too discouraged and intimidated to follow through on the Lions advice. The lack of courage and determination from the Lion has decreased her own confidence in the advice shes been given. It matters little that the advice is intelligent if it still lacks the fortitude needed to put it into action. Finally the tin man steps up and tells Dorothy to ignore the lion and the scarecrow. His advice is; if she wants to get home then the munchkins have the key. Hes referring to the car keys. He points to a car parked about a half mile up the yellow brick road. He explains to her once the car-owning munchkin comes out of Ozs local Starbucks, thats her time to step up to the plate. You have to carjack him. He tells her while sharpening and filing down his oilcan so it can be used as a weapon. He also advises her to take out anyone that gets in her way. His advice could get her back to Kansas and is certainly courageous but it lacks heart (is ruthless) and is therefore bad advice. Second Samuel chapter twelve speaks about a man named Nathan. He was a court appointed prophet and advisor who had the brain, heart, and

17

courage to speak out in truth. When King David committed adultery and murder, Nathan was the advisor who didnt bite his tongue on the matter. First, he used his brain by coming up with a clever parable to help David clearly see the error of his actions. His heart was certainly in the picture because we know that he deeply loved David, and rebuked David in love as a parent would their child. The final thing he possessed was courage. Nathan was absolutely fearless. King David had vast powers to do as he pleased and the right to execute anyone who bothered him was always at his fingertips. Even though Nathan knew the extent of King Davids power he trusted God to protect him and felt valiant enough to say what he had to say. Make sure there is a heart, brain, and courage involved in the advising process. Compassion, intelligence, and fortitude are essential to getting good advice. It must have all three things before it can be called good advice. If the advice has the brain (intelligence) and the courage, but doesnt have the heart (is ruthless), then its not good advice. If the advice has the heart and courage but lacks the brain (intelligence), again its ineffective. Dont disregard the need for these three things when getting good advice. When traveling down the yellow brick road of life, you want to find an advisor that encompasses the heart, intelligence, and courage to help you move forward on the road and discover your way back home.

18

five

Go To The Expert

Never trust a man that cant manage to get most of his pee in the toilet. If he has had years to master his aim, yet still has not succeeded, then think of the many other skills he probably has yet to master. I am being facetious with my analogy but Im serious about the concept. The concept is when you need advice on how to do something you should go to the master. Do you want to learn French? You should find an expert linguist who has mastered the language. Need advice on what gourmet meal to prepare? Look for the Iron Chef! Want to learn Kung Fu? Find a Kung Fu master. It is obvious that we should seek advice from those who are capable of helping us. We all need each other because each of us has figured something out perfectly. Whether it is something we do well, know well, or pick out well we are all masters of the things we do with finesse, agility, and ease. When seeking advice we must remember to go to the expert. There are tons of experts throughout the Old and New Testament that were masters of many things. One of those experts was a man named Samuel. He was industrious, full of wisdom, and compassionate. He was also a designated prophet of God as well as a judge. God had endowed Samuel with the extraordinary gift of expertise because he deemed Samuel a faithful servant. Saul, the first anointed King of Israel, used Samuel as his head advisor. If Saul had a question on how to handle a difficult matter he knew that Samuel was the

19

man. He frequently inquired of Samuel, who would then inquire of the Lord. Samuel was such an expert that even after his death Saul found himself desperate for Samuels advice. 1 Samuel 28:6 - Saul prayed to God, but God didn't answer - neither by dream nor by sign nor by prophet. So Saul ordered his officials, "Find me someone who can call up spirits so I may go and seek counsel from those spirits." His servants said, "There's a witch at Endor. Saul disguised himself by putting on different clothes. Then, taking two men with him, he went under the cover of night to the woman and said, "I want you to consult a ghost for me. Call up the person I name." When we need advice we should find someone who has special knowledge on the topic. We go to the expert when we need prudent answers. Dont fall into the misconception that experts are famous, impossible to find, or too pretentious for questioning. The expert does not have to be a famous figure. There are experts in our family, neighborhood, and community who are excellent resources of untapped advice. Tap into them. There are certain things in which you are truly gifted. It could be anything from cooking, to restoring old cars, to picking out the perfect pair of shoes. We all have passion about something in which we have developed expertise. God has designed each of us uniquely for the purpose of giving us distinct gifts. Your particular interests (however weird they may seem to you) can serve others through your expert advice. Discover your interests so you can discover your expertise. Once you discover the expert within, step out and become a source of inspirational advice.

20

21

six

Look To The Older And Wiser

The Parents Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a persons character lies in their own hands. Anne Frank

Our parents can be a huge help when it comes to advice. They are a bit older, a bit wiser, and most importantly they care for us. Our parents want to see us succeed. They want us to live fulfilling lives and because of their desire to watch us blossom they are always willing to give us good counsel. In the book of Exodus, after Moses had delivered the Israelites from the slavery of the Egyptians, he was their sole judge. In those days there were not twelve judges that led a Supreme Court ruling, there was only one judge, and that judge was Moses. From the time Moses woke up until the time he went back to sleep he sat judging matters between the people of Israel.

Exodus 18:14 When Moses' father-in-law saw all that he was doing for the people, he said, What is this that you do for the people? Why do you sit alone, and all the people stand around you from morning till evening? Moses said to his father-in-law, because the people come to me to inquire of God. When they have a dispute they come to me, and I judge between a man and his neighbor, and I make them know the statutes of God and His laws.

22

Moses had a huge burden on his shoulders doing all the teaching, preaching, and judging alone. The population of the Israelites was in the thousands and the waiting list for a private session with Moses must have seemed endless. Because God is gracious, He provided Moses with the counsel of a parent, a father-in-law. Moses father-in-law, Jethro, advised Moses to teach everyone the laws of God and then appoint faithful, loving, compassionate men to help with the judging of disputes.

Exodus 18:18 - You will surely wear out both yourself and this people with you, for the thing is too heavy for you; you are not able to perform it all by yourself. Listen now to me; I will counsel you, and God will be with you.

The biblical account of Moses and his father-in-law is a great example of terrific parenting advice. Our parents know that life can be difficult, frustrating, and stressful. When our parents love us they want to shelter us from unnecessary difficulties and stress. The Israelites still brought the more difficult cases to Moses, but at least he no longer had to endure all of the cases. Without the Godly advice he received from his father-in-law, who knows if Moses would have continued to wear himself out trying to handle it all. Like Moses, we too wear ourselves out when we try to figure out everything on our own without receiving any wise counsel or good advice.

The Old Person Next Door

23

Job 12:12 - Is not wisdom found among the aged? Does not long life bring understanding?

Rumor has it older people give really good advice. The rumor is mostly true. There is a saying that the old are wise and I have found this to be an authentic clich in most cases. My grandmother who is peeking into her nineties was around to see nations rise and fall, people around her inhale the breath of life then die, and more seasons change than I can imagine. Because of her experiences she has a wealth of wisdom that could fill a mansion. I am sure Im not the only one that feels this way about their grandparent. There are a lot of people that feel the same way about their grandparents and they are probably right. Older people possess that wisdom because they have lived through it. They have experienced things once, twice, or many times themselves, so they know how things work in the world. As we grow older and mature we become more knowledgeable about this planet. Our understanding of humanity from an anthropological standpoint grows. While older people are often excellent at giving timeless advice, they are sometimes not so good at giving advice with the times. My grandmother can you give classic advice, but on certain modern matters she may not have the knowhow because she comes from a different era. For example, while grandmother can give great advice on the proper way to garden, raise children, or etiquette tips, she may not be able to give the same quality of advice when discussing what printer to purchase for a computer.

24

Older people, however, seem to be particularly wise when it comes to social human nature. They have a better understanding of people and how people relate to one another. The son of Solomon, King Rehoboam, needed advice on how to treat the people he would be ruling over so he consulted two types of people, the elders and his young friends. The elders told him to treat the people with kindness while his young friends told him to treat the people like slaves. 1 Kings 12:4 Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labor and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you." Rehoboam answered, "Go away for three days and then come back to me." So the people went away. Then King Rehoboam consulted the elders who had served his father Solomon during his lifetime. "How would you advise me to answer these people?" he asked. They replied, "If today you will be a servant to these people and serve them and give them a favorable answer, they will always be your servants." But Rehoboam rejected the advice the elders gave him and consulted the young men who had grown up with him and were serving him. He asked them, "What is your advice? How should we answer these people who say to me, 'Lighten the yoke your father put on us'?" The young men who had grown up with him replied, "Tell these people who have said to you, 'Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but make our yoke lighter' - tell them, 'My little finger is thicker than my father's waist. My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.' "

25

Three days later all the people returned to King Rehoboam for the answer. The king answered the people harshly. Rejecting the advice given to him by the elders, he followed the advice of the young men and said, "My father made your yoke heavy; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions. This was not a printer-computer question, so in this case King Rehoboam should have gone with the advice of the older people. Unfortunately, he took the advice of the young ones and ended up attempting to rule over people who fought against him the entire time he was king. Throughout his reign, King Rehoboam had trouble because he didnt heed some good, old advice. The elders had seen numerous kingdoms rise and fall so they knew what did and didnt work when ruling a large number of people. The young boys, however, were still an egg in their mothers womb when these elders were assisting past kings. The young advisors in their arrogance believed they had all the answers. Youth seems to breed arrogance and it is often in that arrogance that bad choices and decisions are made. Old and wise advice is credible advice. The reason that the elderly give good advice is because they are experienced. When one has bitten the fruits of temptation, endured many relationships, worked a thousand jobs and assisted with the raising of children and grandchildren, surely they can be of service when it comes to the matters and intricacies of the world.

26

seven

Surrounding Yourself With Godly Advisors

I got a lot of PH.D. types and smart people around me who come into the oval office and say, Mr. President, heres whats on my mind. And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the advice, I decide, you know, I say, This is what were going to do. George W. Bush, Lancaster, PA, October 3, 2007

A smart president uses his administration to his advantage. He never has to suffer the burden of making important decisions without invaluable insight from the people he has surrounded himself with. Head advisors on housing development, education, agriculture, homeland security, energy, transportation and finance are at his disposal. Because of the importance of the Presidents decisions, the country ensures he is surrounded by excellent sources of credible information. Being surrounded by good advisors keeps the President from making blunders that may put the nation in harms way. His advisors are the important voices that echo in his ear. They help him to dictate the plans and choices he makes. Although the President is surrounded by expert opinions the final decision mostly rests with him. He doesnt have to take into consideration the opinion of his advisors, but if he doesnt, he is taking a risk. By disregarding expert advice he takes risks that contain consequences that could potentially fall on him and the country. It is to his advantage that he uses the knowledge and experience of the people around him. However, it isnt enough for the presidents advisors to just be good, they also need to be Godly.

27

An Old Testament King, Ahaziah, is a great example of a leader who was not surrounded by Godly advisors. As the ruler of the country he needed good advisors, of course. Instead of surrounding himself with Godly men he used the advisors of his father Ahab. Ahabs advisors were evil and had no fear of God. Because of evil advisors the reign of Ahaziah went downhill fast.

2 Chronicles 22:3 - Ahaziah was twenty-two years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem one year. His mother's name was Athaliah, a granddaughter of Omri. He too walked in the ways of the house of Ahab, for his mother encouraged him in doing wrong. He did evil in the eyes of the Lord, as the house of Ahab had done, for after his father's death they became his advisers, to his undoing. He also followed their counsel when he went with Joram son of Ahab king of Israel to war against Hazael king of Aram at Ramoth Gilead. His advisors wanted him to go to war. The war became the death of him and his entire family. This may have been prevented if he had surrounded himself with Godly advisors who provided counsel he could trust.

Proverbs 12:5 The plans of the righteous are just, but the advice of the wicked is deceitful.

When we are surrounded by people who can properly advise us we should use that to our advantage. They are in our lives for a reason and we shouldnt pass up the chance to allow them to help us make the right decisions. The decisions you make are never solely limited to you, they affect the people around you whether you realize it or not. Knowing the decisions you make can

28

impact others should be your motivation to ensure you are receiving Godly advice.

29

eight

Get Others Involved

A hairstylist does many things; they mold, create, and transform your locks. In my case they call over other stylists to gawk at the awful cut I had given myself. I have thick, coarse, hair that is ironically as fragile as sugar caught in the rain. Under the weight of an ounce or more of stress my hair melts from my head, coming out in the teeth of the combs and brush bristles as if a small poodle was pulling himself loose from the clutches of my scalp. I still dont know what the exact problem in the back of my head was; thin area, bald spot, or just general area of hair despair. I just know that the stylist was calling in another stylist to act as either a second hair advisor or spectator to share her discovery. Like nosy children, four stylists gathered around my head like mechanics surrounding a broken transmission, accessing the damage. Whether one stylist could have solved the problem is unknown. But I saw them all collaborating in high-pitched noises discussing deep conditioners and treatments. They were so anxious to find a solution to my hair dilemma. The collaboration and wide circle of stylists worked out to my benefit because shortly after the salon visit my hair was healthier than ever. When we look at a problem with a small select few, those people tend to gather around the problem to analyze it. They form a small tight circle around the problem and begin to enclose it so much they cant see every solution. Some of

30

the best solutions may fall outside of that tiny and compact circle. Bring more people in and you widen the circle. As the circle expands - the solutions expand. The problem seems to almost diminish as more and more people participate in finding the solution. Ecclesiastes 4: 9-10 - Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! One person is powerful but two people are even more powerful. Whenever something big needs to be accomplished you bring people in. Its the same with advice, the bigger the issue, the wider the circle of advisers, the more likely you will find the advice you were looking for. Some of the reasons you may need to bring in an extra advisor or two could be because the one advisor you have is unknowledgeable about certain aspects related to the advice you need. Another reason could be that you and your advisor have reached a creative block with developing new ideas or coming up with new solutions. And sometimes you realize youve stared at the problem for so long you simply need a pair of fresh eyes.

31

nine

Trusting Your Gut

When a dispatcher received a call on a non-emergency number from a man who had his house ransacked by burglars, she felt that something wasnt quite right. She entered the call as an emergency and sent paramedics over. Her instincts were found to be correct when paramedics discovered the man was suffering from a heart attack from the immense stress of the whole ordeal.1 A firefighter who thought it was odd that an eyewitness was standing by watching a fire in awe used his instincts to question the eyewitness. When the eyewitness explained he had run away from the fire to get help, the firefighter felt uneasy about the story, detained the eyewitness, and later discovered the eyewitness was an arsonist.2 You should follow your instincts. Instinct is a natural intuitive power all of us have within. There are two things we need to learn to do in life We need to learn to forgive ourselves and we need to learn to trust ourselves. You know a lot more than you think you do. You are capable of a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Stop second-guessing yourself. Sometimes we need to snatch confidence up and go with our gut. Instincts are majestic. They are like magical superpowers that allow us to see, feel, hear, and know things our natural brains arent fully capable of processing. Think of your instincts as your superhero powers that enable you to make a great judgment about whatever in your life needs analyzing.

32

One instinct I fear I dont have is motherly instinct, which is why I have never wanted children. Part of the fear of having children came from an insecurity lying deep within me. This fear was composed of my clumsiness, inability to cook, and horror of dirty diapers. I was afraid of motherhood. What if I dropped the baby on the head? What if I overheated the milk? What if the child got a diaper rash? I was afraid of being a mom because I feared I would not have what it takes to be a good mom. I have been blessed enough to encounter so many phenomenal moms (including my own) that I fathomed I could never measure up. Men sometimes go through the same experience when it comes to having baby girls. They get goofy and frightened about the prospect, they mention something about teenage boys, shotguns, and tampons, in then recoil in fear at the thought of a having a girl. I could sympathize with men who felt this way because I also had a fear of having a baby. There is something called the maternal instinct. Apparently maternal instinct tells a new mother what to do when she has her newborn. The voice of instinct yells fever, colic, sour milk, and the baby needs to eat in loud inner words. Motherly instinct is not a hoax, it is real. There is a biblical case where the power of motherly instinct is felt:

1 Kings 3 - Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. One of them said, "My lord, this woman and I live in the same house. I had a baby while she was there with me. The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.

33

"During the night this woman's son died because she lay on him. So she got up in the middle of the night and took my son from my side while I your servant was asleep. She put him by her breast and put her dead son by my breast. The next morning, I got up to nurse my sonand he was dead! But when I looked at him closely in the morning light, I saw that it wasn't the son I had borne." The other woman said, "No! The living one is my son; the dead one is yours." But the first one insisted, "No! The dead one is yours; the living one is mine." And so they argued before the king. The king said, "This one says, 'My son is alive and your son is dead,' while that one says, 'No! Your son is dead and mine is alive.' " Then the king said, "Bring me a sword." So they brought a sword for the king. He then gave an order: "Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other." The woman whose son was alive was filled with compassion for her son and said to the king, "Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don't kill him!" But the other said, "Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!" Then the king gave his ruling: "Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother."

A mothers instinct is to protect her child. The King was obviously a wise man who knew about the love of a mother. We all have instincts within us, and the Bible refers to it as the Holy Spirit. While we may not have an audible voice yelling that the baby is hungry, we do have a natural clairvoyance of good and bad. The Holy Spirit reveals things to us we normally would not see hear, feel, or know. Use those instincts and dont be afraid to trust your gut.

34

35

ten

Forming Your Own Opinion

My very first Christmas as a married woman was spent away from my husband. I flew down to Texas to be with my family and my husband drove to Wisconsin to be with his. A day before my flight I noticed a few tiny bumps on my arm that were a little itchy. The itching sensation was a bit annoying but it was tolerable. I had just come back from a weekend with the in-laws and figured it may have been a slight allergic reaction to their bed spread. By the time my flight landed in Texas both of my arms were red and itching. The same small bumps that were covering my arms were starting to also appear on my legs. I rushed to the hospital to find out what was wrong with me. The doctor asked me if I worked with children because as far as he was concerned I had scabies. Scabies are very tiny creepy crawlers that literally get underneath the skin and make their homes there. Needless to say, I was terrified. I filled the prescription for the medication the doctor gave me so I could immediately put it to use. The doctor promised me the bugs would be dead within a day or two and I could resume life itch free. He was wrong. Three days later my condition worsened. I was so itchy I could not sleep. I went back to the hospital and told them about my problem and asked for a second opinion. Without thoroughly examining me, a different doctor prescribed the same medication and told me to come back the next day if I did not see improvement. By the time I saw a third doctor, he looked at my charts saw the bug diagnosis and without even looking my way, gave me another

36

prescription for a stronger medication. I ended up flying back to my home in Illinois, beet red and scratching like a crazy woman. Once I arrived back in the city I headed straight to my personal doctor who looked me over and declared I had eczema. He gave me a different prescription and by the next day the itching and bumps had disappeared. I was misdiagnosed three times by three separate doctors who did not see things for what they were. My personal doctor interrupted the flow of bad information the previous doctors had set into motion by calling the condition by its true name. Lukewarm baths coupled with a steroid cream cleared up a condition others failed to see properly. Sometimes we need to get a fresh perspective on our situation when seeking advice from multiple people. Studies have proved that people are influenced by the opinions of others; as was the case with my misdiagnosis. The first doctor gave faulty advice and the rest followed his opinion without any true evaluation. If you want a fresh perspective and fresh advice then ask God to give you fresh eyes so that you can see things for what they are without misdiagnosing yourself. Its easy to miss the big picture when giving yourself advice. Sometimes we cant see the forest for the trees, and other times we cant see the trees because of the forest. It is important that we dont miss out on what God is trying to show us. Sometimes our solutions are not revealed because we need to change our attitudes. Changing your attitude will change our eyesight. 2 King 6:16 - Don't be afraid," the prophet answered. "Those who are with us are more than those who are with them."

37

And Elisha prayed, "O LORD, open his eyes so he may see." Then the LORD opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

When Elisha and his servant were surrounded by armies and enemies, he didnt blink. He knew that God was bigger than any enemy around him. When God opened the eyes of his friend he saw the angels surrounding them outnumbered the enemies approaching them. When we need direction we should ask God to open our eyes so that the solution can be clearly revealed to us. When we are not looking at things with the help of the Holy Spirit, there is a great chance that well end up with a misdiagnosis to the problem.

38

Part II Advisors to Avoid

eleven

Its Mine Advisors

While we have taken a look at numerous people we can look to when we need answers, its important to know who not to look to as well. In the following chapters we will look at several advisors who have the potential to bring us down with the advice they normally give.

Avoid Advisors That Cry Its Mine. According to Murphys Law3, toddlers have several Its mine laws. A few toddler laws are: If its mine, its mine. If its yours, its mine. If I like it, its mine. If I can take it from you, its mine. If I am playing with something all of the pieces are mine. If I think it is mine, it is. If I saw it first, its mine. If I had it then put it down, it is still mine. If you had it then you put it down, it is now mine. If it looks like the one I have at home, it is mine.

39

If it is broken, its yours.

Anyone who has a child between the ages of two and four knows that this is exactly how a toddler thinks. Crying Its mine is a sign of immaturity. Dont take advice from people who are selfish and immature. If they possess these qualities then how can you expect for the advice they give you to be reliable? Until an Its Mine Advisor realizes the vast extent of great things this world has to offer, they will cling firmly to any piece of information they have. Look for an advisor that is willing to share and happy to do so.

Genesis 26:16 Then Abimelech said to Isaac, "Move away from us; you have become too powerful for us. So Isaac moved away from there and encamped in the Valley of Gerar and settled there. Isaac reopened the wells that had been dug in the time of his father Abraham, which the Philistines had stopped up after Abraham died, and he gave them the same names his father had given them. Isaac's servants dug in the valley and discovered a well of fresh water there. But the herdsmen of Gerar quarreled with Isaac's herdsmen and said, "The water is ours!" So he named the well Esek, because they disputed with him. Then they dug another well, but they quarreled over that one also; so he named it Sitnah. He moved on from there and dug another well, and no one quarreled over it. He named it Rehoboth, saying, "Now the LORD has given us room and we will flourish in the land."

Every time Isaacs herdsmen dug a well of fresh water a dispute arose.

40

Isaac was living near the people of Gerar, and those people assumed there simply wasnt enough good to go around. If Isaac discovered water, the people of Gerar wanted it for themselves and would fight for it. Isaac knew that there was enough good to go around, so with graciousness, he would allow them to have the well. Soon after, he would strike water somewhere else and the Gerar people would quarrel with him again over the water. Eventually, after getting an abundance of good water for themselves, the Gerar people stopped badgering Isaac over the wells. Was there enough good water to go around? Yes. Isaac knew that God could flourish him in the land without causing the people of Gerar to die of thirst. Too bad the people of Gerar didnt know that.

James 1:17 - Every good gift and every perfect gift comes down from above, from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation nor shadow of turning.

Good gifts come from God. The book of James does not express that only some good gifts come from God, but says that every good gift comes from God. This should be comforting to us. God has an infinite supply of good for us to enjoy. When we dont have faith that there will be ample provision in our lives if we share with others, then we become afraid to give. A lack of faith in an abundance of good gifts will turn into a reluctance to fully disclose the good things we have obtained and learned with others. We can see quarrelling over good stuff everywhere we look. People quarrel over job promotions, parking spots, and much more. They fail to realize that eventually they will get a good

41

promotion or parking space if they simply wait their turn. Being on the receiving line of the infinite supply of good sometimes requires patience. Sometimes people will keep good things to themselves because they feel insecure. This usually happens from the deceptive notion that God will run out of gifts. Fortunately, God never runs out of good stuff to give. The fear of not enough good to go around can be seen on a popular auction site online. There is an unspoken policy on the site that if you are successful you never reveal too much advice to new sellers about how you gained that success. The sellers there will often tell you basic things that are common knowledge. Much of the advice the seasoned professional sellers dole out can already be found in internet guides. The auctioneers are cognizant of the unspoken rule that you never give advice about great sources of supply. They keep their mouths shut because they dont want others to have the same success as them. They call it keeping competition at bay. This same principle is applied to many successful people who also feel there is not enough good for everyone. With that mentality, people keep great pieces of advice that they have learned to themselves. Some people may feel jealous or insecure and refuse to give you good information because of their own personal fears. Because jealousy can sometimes appear in advice, you must ask yourself if the person you are seeking advice from is a trustworthy source. If the information they give you will only allow you to scratch the surface, disabling you from taking any peaks underneath, then you should seek other advisors as well.

42

There are a couple of things to remember when dealing with an Its Mine Advisor. Most Its Mine Advisors are jealous or fearful. Jealousy comes from insecurity and insecurity comes from fear. People desire to have a special place in this world, and when they feel their place or position is being threatened they often act defensively. Also remember, jealousy never sleeps. Its Mine Advisors are constantly guarding what they believe is theirs with 24-hour monitoring. All of the good information and advice is being held hostage by an emotional gun. A guarded advisor is not a good advisor. If they cant open up and tell you what you need to know, then simply move on to someone who can.

43

twelve

Avoid Talkers Who Arent Walkers

The Pharisees were big talkers that claimed to have all the answers. They identified themselves as religious rulers and believed their words were perfect, but Jesus didnt agree. He said they were hypocrites and told them they were whitewashed tombs. He let the Pharisees know that they didnt have all the answers and they were not the symbol of perfection they believed. Matthew 23:25-28 - Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

The Pharisees were correct about having religion, but they did not have God. It is possible to have one and not the other, as was the case of the Pharisees. Their religion was an empty show decorated with meaningless props. Because the Pharisees thought they had all the answers, they considered themselves supreme advisors. The Pharisees intended to rule the people with their ideals and regulations. Because they were all talk and no walk, the people they led were no better off than they were.

44

Matthew 23:15 - Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are.

Those who heeded the advice of the Pharisees found themselves with a seat in the temple but without the presence of God. While the Pharisees may have been advising people on how to walk with God, they were not walking with Him themselves. Avoid the advice of people who are not living testaments to what they proclaim will work. A person should naturally be more comfortable with receiving advice from someone who currently mirrors what they wish to have in their own lives. For example, maybe you have a cousin who is the sweetest person that you could ever meet. She has a fantastic aura around her and has gorgeous children. Although her children are gorgeous, they are also wild, chaotic, and often scream so loudly in the background that she cant talk on the phone without being embarrassed. Whenever we attempt to have a phone conversation you can hear constant screaming, loud crashes, and what sounds like a tornado ripping through the walls of her home. Her children laugh at her when she threatens to spank or discipline them and have a blatant disregard for her feeble attempt to make them mind. These are often the types of people who love to give parenting advice.

45

This is why it is important to know whose advice matters. There is a biblical saying that a good tree produces good fruit (Matthew 17:7). If someone has spoiled kids then perhaps they may also be giving out rotten advice. When we take advice from someone we are allowing that persons opinion to infiltrate our own lives. If our lives are to be infiltrated, then it should be with things that are healthy, uplifting, and beneficial to our well-being. Make sure to check the fruit that is produced in the life of the person you are seeking the advice from. Ask yourself if they are living testaments that prove their advice works. If you find that the answer is no then it is only wise to rethink the source of your advice. People are living testaments to what does or does not work. The proof of their words is reflected in the lives that they live. While some are guilty of not practicing what they preach, in most cases if someone is fully confident in what they are preaching, they will put it into practice. I have often received advice to do something that the person advising me had refused to do themselves. If they have not put the advice they are giving you into practice in their own lives, then question the reasons why. There are many things we should avoid in life. Some of those things are cable television, plaid, and coyotes. In the world of advice, however, we should avoid Advisors who cry Its mine and those who dont walk what they talk. Avoiding bad advice is a necessary step to finding the good.

46

thirteen

The Negative Nelly Advisor

"Take control of your destiny. Believe in yourself. Ignore those who try to discourage you. Avoid negative sources, people, places, things and habits. Don't give up and don't give in." Wanda Carter The Negative Nelly Advisor is so busy harping on the worst that they will never officially give you any advice to begin with. They repeat phrases such as: that would never work, its going to end in a disaster no matter what you do, and just give up. The advice they give is rarely constructive because it is often clouded by the dark halo of oppression that follows them everywhere they go. Negative Nelly Advisors see the glass as half empty so any advice given by them is always insufficient. They have a theory and that theory is: the outcome will always be terrible. When Bill Cosby was asked whether or not the cup was half full or half empty he responded with It depends on whether youre drinking or pouring. The Negative Nelly Advisor will hardly ever pour out good advice, instead they leave you feeling emotionally drained and sucked dry by the discouragement they give. I had a former friend who I would call on the phone a couple of times a month to talk. Her attitude and disposition about life was insanely negative. I learned quickly not to seek her advice or opinion on a matter because I knew that her advice would be misguided and tainted by her dark perception of the world. She was enshrined by so much negativity that whenever I took on a new endeavor I wouldnt mention it to her. I feared she would try to discourage me

47

from the task at hand. We eventually stopped talking because I wasnt in a place in my life where the positive energy I gave off was enough to combat her negativity. The main characteristic of the Negative Nelly Advisor is the enjoyment they experience by raining on the parades of others. People tend to see things through their own eyes of experience without considering the unique experiences of other individuals. In the same way, Negative Nelly Advisors allow their negative experiences to taint the advice they give. In the book of Mark there was a blind man who was surrounded by Negative Nelly Advisors. The man was located on the same road that Jesus and His disciples were using to leave the town of Jericho. Because there were so many people following Jesus the large crowd caused a huge commotion. The blind man could hear them coming. When he realized that Jesus was headed his way he called out to Him so that he could receive healing for his eyes. Negative Nelly Advisors around him urged him to keep quiet, be still, and not cry out to Jesus, but he took the advice of his heart and cried out all the louder. When Jesus heard him, He stopped and told the blind man to come to Him and healed his eyes.

Mark 10: 46 Then they came to Jericho. As Jesus and his disciples, together with a large crowd, were leaving the city, a blind man, Bartimaeus, was sitting by the roadside begging. When he heard that it was Jesus of Nazareth, he began to shout, "Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!"

48

Many rebuked him and told him to be quiet, but he shouted all the more, "Son of David, have mercy on me!" Jesus stopped and said, "Call him." So they called to the blind man, "Cheer up! On your feet! He's calling you." Throwing his cloak aside, he jumped to his feet and came to Jesus. "What do you want me to do for you?" Jesus asked him. The blind man said, "Rabbi, I want to see." "Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.

If the blind man had followed the advice of the Negative Nelly Advisors he would have been left on the side of the road still unable to see and continuing to beg others for his provision. Negative Nelly Advisors are disablers of good and profitable things by urging people they advise to keep quiet and not want, ask, or strive for anything at all. Avoid them at all cost.

49

fourteen

The Sprint Running Advisor

When Moses found out a fellow Hebrew discovered he killed an Egyptian, he ran. When Jacob realized his brother Esau wanted to kill him for stealing his birthright, he ran. When King David realized Saul was jealous of him and wanted him dead, he ran. In all three cases running was for the good. All three were life or death situations and when problems are out to completely destroy you then you should flee for your life. However, in all three cases, Moses, Joseph, and David eventually had to face the problems they were running from. God sent Moses right back to the Hebrews he had run from to deliver them from slavery. Joseph realized he couldnt outrun his brother Esau and sent gifts ahead before he actually had to face him. David ended up facing Saul on several occasions with God in the midst of each confrontation. Running isnt wrong when its done for the purpose of conservation. Its wrong if thats all you do and all you know how to do, and convenience has replaced conservation. Eventually problems must be faced. We cant run from everything, some things we face now or face later, but when we face them with Gods prompting we should expect things to work out. Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

50

The Sprint Running Advisor will tell you to run from anything you inquire about. Bad job? The advice will be to seek a new job. Shaky relationship? The advice will be to leave. The Sprint Running Advisor escapes everything in their life by running and they advise you to do the same. The problem with Sprint Running advice is that sometimes problems will follow you no matter where you go. Underlying reasons for the problem or situation needs to be addressed in order for the advice to be effective. There are occasions where the advice of the Sprint Runner is correct and a person does need to flee from a bad job, relationship, or other situation, but this certainly is not always the case. The circumstances must be evaluated carefully before making a decision. Biblically speaking, we are not told to run from the enemy because the enemy is in a lot of places. We are told to resist the enemy and the enemy would run from us! Some problems cannot be solved with running, but are solved with resistance.

James 4:7 - Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

I used to have dreams about running from monsters, crazy people, normal people, and houses with legs. I found myself constantly running from people and inanimate objects while I slept. One night I realized I was running so hard in my sleep that my legs were moving while I lay in the bed. I woke up feeling silly and

51

confused. I realize now that I dreamed of running from things so often because I wasnt facing people, difficulties, and challenges in my own life. I was running in real life and it was spilling over into my dreams. I was afraid of two things: confrontation and rejection. Instead of confronting a difficult endeavor I wanted to pursue, I ran from it, and I allowed people to run over me because I feared rejection. But after they ran over me, I ran away from them instead of standing up for myself. I have since learned that God-confidence and boldness is the key to conquering any intimidating situation, but it took a lot of running before I began to stand, fight and push forward. The Sprint Running Advisor may advise you to run from things for a couple of reasons. The first reason is that they run from everything themselves and since this is the only form of action they know, they will naturally advise you to do what they do. The advisee must remember that if their advisor is running from their own problems, then they are not in a credible position to offer advice to others until they stop, face, and solve their own issues. A Sprint Running Advisor is also usually afraid of confrontation. For example, instead of giving you advice on how to talk to a friend about a problem you are having with them, they may just tell you to leave the friend alone. Sprint Runners are always running from friends, acquaintances, projects and anything else in which they encounter a problem. Instead of working out the flaws they would rather leave the situation. Unless you are looking for a quick fix for a problem that may potentially rear its ugly head later, be leery of taking advice from a Sprint Runner.

52

When Jonah was told by God to go to the people of Nineveh, he panicked. Nineveh wasnt a good town to be in and he simply didnt like the people that lived there. He figured if God destroyed them, they were getting exactly what they deserved. Frustrated and afraid, Jonah did what any Sprint Running Advisor would have told him to do in this case he ran. He was supposed to be Ninevehs Godly advisor and prophesy the Lords mercy and warning. Instead, he ran from the people he was supposed to deliver a message to.

Jonah 1:3 - But Jonah ran away from the LORD and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.

Jonah had a divine appointment and when God has purposed for you to be somewhere its impossible to ditch the destination. Life isnt always about running, so steer clear of advisors who believe that it is.

53

fifteen

The Go For It Advisor

When I decided I wanted to become an artist I was surrounded by Go For It and Follow Your Heart advisors. While the intentions of both advisors may have been good, their mantra was not the most beneficial for me. I left the corporate world not knowing what I wanted to do with myself. I knew that I was sick and tired of working in a conservative office environment and dealing with politics, Microsoft Office, e-mail, and travel arrangements. I wanted to do something fun and creative and although I wasnt sure what it was, I knew it was just a matter of time before I discovered my calling. My husband had recently gotten a well-deserved promotion at work due to his brilliance and impeccable work ethic and was making significantly more money. I felt his promotion was my cue to let go of a job I had grown tired of. Two weeks after he received his raise I decided to put in my two weeks resignation notice. A few weeks later after sitting at home and editing my first book I decided to give up being a writer for a while to pursue painting. I went to a local art store and purchased canvas, brushes, and acrylic paint. My husband who thought my new hobby was amusing actually helped me with my very first painting. Our first painting together was plain and boring but not that bad, however, the paintings that I did on my own were disasters. They were conceptually Monets, except they looked a mess afar and close up.

54

Some women are married to men who would not have the heart to tell them that they were not good painters but my husband is the exception. He is not a Follow Your Heart or Go For It Advisor. He loves me too much to be dishonest with me on something I was looking at as a potential career move. I decided to open an online art gallery, which I did, but it was unsuccessful. His advice to me was to paint as a hobby but look at other things as a career, such as things I was naturally good at. This was some of the best advice I had ever received from my husband but being stubborn I continued to pour hundreds of dollars into canvas and paint. I was hoping I would be the next Jean Michael Basquiat. I should have taken my husbands advice immediately and solely painted for hobby. I assumed my husband was being a Negative Nelly Advisor and discouraging me because he couldnt see my hidden potential that hadnt been fully tapped. The truth was I am not a natural painter and it would have taken a great deal of hard work to become the next Van Gogh. My husband gave me advice based not only on what he knew I was capable of, but his advice was based on his clear understanding of my personality and he was simply honest. Although I didnt heed his good advice when he gave it, I certainly thank him for it. The Go For It Advisor is often encouraging. They are optimistic and positive, but sometimes not realistic. They prefer to float in the clouds and look through rosy glasses, the downside is; those rosy glasses can often distort the big picture. Some phrases the Go For It Advisor often uses is: That sounds like a great idea. You should go for it!

55

That could work. That looks great on you.

The Go For It Advisor will tell you to go for every dream and desire that you have within you no matter how stupid, silly, outrageous, or dangerous. While this sounds very encouraging, sometimes it is not realistic and the advice is not accompanied by a solid plan that can help a person actually reach that dream or desire. The Go For It Advisor offers sweet lemonades but unknowingly neglects the harder process of actually squeezing those lemons and doing the work of placing those ingredients together to come up with the finished product. One of the favorite phrases of the Go For It Advisor is That sounds like a great idea. While sometimes this phrase is sincere the problem occurs when its insincere, and often it is. They will tell you it sounds like a great idea even if it sounds like a bad idea in an effort to appear optimistic. The Go For It Advisor has a fear that they are going to rain on someones parade or be mistaken for a Negative Nelly Advisor. While an optimistic point of view should be taken in every situation, when giving advice it is important to stay realistic and honest with the person you are advising. Being honest is so important when giving out credible advice. If you cant be honest with someone then you are not in a position to give that person any advice. The Go For It Advisor is very careful not to step on any toes or hurt anyones feelings. While the need to please people may be a nice gesture, it is not a wise gesture.

56

sixteen

The White Lie Advisor

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Homer Simpson

When Abraham set off on his spiritual journey he wasnt quite sure how his wife, Sarah, would accompany him without getting him eaten alive because of her beauty. When Abraham looked at his wife he knew that others would see what he saw a gorgeous woman. Abraham decided to eliminate the fact Sarah was his wife when speaking with men in the various countries he would be traveling through. Sarah was technically his sister in addition to being his wife. Abraham cleverly used this fact and asked Sarah to simply declare she was his sister and say nothing more. Genesis 20:1-2 - Now Abraham moved on from there into the region of the Negev and lived between Kadesh and Shur. For a while he stayed in Gerar, and there Abraham said of his wife Sarah, "She is my sister." Then Abimelech king of Gerar sent for Sarah and took her.

Abraham gave the truth but it wasnt the whole truth. When truth is not complete it becomes deceptive. In a court of law they dont ask witnesses and defendants to tell the truth. They ask specifically for the whole truth and nothing but the truth. The judge and jury are aware that if the truth is depleted or embellished it transforms into a lie. Abraham thought he was giving a harmless lie that would save his life, and these types of lies are referred to as white lies.

57

According to Wikipedia4, a white lie is defined as a lie that would cause no discord if it were uncovered and offers some benefit to the liar, the hearer, or both. White lies are defined as harmless, but there is no such thing as a harmless lie. I was probably about five when I realized the magic of depleting or embellishing the truth. We were firmly taught to always tell the truth about everything. But then I realized that I could tell half a truth and get away with mischief. If my mother asked what happened in school I would give her an honest account of my day while leaving out the part about when I got into trouble with a teacher. By nine or ten years old my brain became even more manipulative. I discovered I could avoid telling the truth by using questions to counter questions. If my mother asked if I had taken a bath I would innocently say Didnt you hear the water running? Yes it had run but I had never stepped into the tub. The art of deception is often rooted in that tiny bit of truth. Being honest is only helpful to your advisee if the honesty is complete. Complete honesty lends credibility and credibility is imperative in the advising process. Good advice cant be divided into slices. Its not a pie, it is information and good info is given in its entirety. Bad information is given in fragments. When seeking an advisor, you should find someone who is going to give the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

58

seventeen

The Follow Your Heart Advisor

I have never wanted to be the one to make a love-relationship decision for someone. I prefer to leave that job to the soul-mate detectors. At least this is what I would tell friends who sought my counsel on their latest dating dilemma. Just because someone is in a fulfilling relationship doesnt mean they have some secret formula for you and the guy you met in Costco. Every relationship has its own unique chemistry, and also love is complicated. Each time a friend sought my advice on some guy from some place that makes them dreamy-eyed, I would simply sigh and say Follow your heart. Saying follow your heart was my way of saying I dont think you should date him so soon after his release from prison, but hey, what do I know? I have learned to be a lot more direct with my friends and have also learned how biblical principles apply to relationships and help them flourish, so my follow your heart days are over. In some cases follow your heart is sincere advice from a credible advisor, but in most cases its simply a cop-out. If you have a feeling its a cop-out then it probably is move on to a credible advisor.

Jeremiah 17:9 - The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

59

The Follow Your Heart Advisor many times doesnt know exactly what to tell you. So instead of taking the time to find a viable solution or good piece of advice they simply point you back towards yourself. They direct you to look into your heart and explain to you that you already have an idea of what it is that you want or should do. While this may be true in some cases, in most cases its not. If a person is asking for advice it means they dont feel completely comfortable with a decision they are about to make. The Follow Your Heart Advisor humors the person seeking advice with what is essentially confirmation advice in the form of follow your heart. This advisor does not give advice directly because they dont want to be held responsible if you make the wrong choices. Instead they say things like follow your heart or well what do you think you should do? These phrases are meant to steer you towards making a decision on your own. By forcing you to make the decision based on your heart and mind, the Follow Your Heart Advisor clears his or her self from any emotional responsibility they may have in the situation.

60

eighteen

Avoid Shallow Advice

Our society has a love - hate relationship with superficial people. Superficial people spend an exorbitant amount of time at work to have the money to ensure their car, home, and clothes are perfect. With all the outside excess they often end up neglecting their souls. Once the rent or mortgage is paid, the check for the car insurance is mailed, and the shallow person has a fresh haircut they look around and say Yep, I did all right. They may do well when it comes to outside, but what about the inner? Once a superficial person realizes they are dysfunctional on the inside they wont spend an excessive amount of time and energy to do, say, and live out things that will emotionally and mentally rejuvenate them. Instead theyll complain about how their lives arent working, gripe in anguish to their equally shallow friends and dogs about their inner problems, and then proceed to buy more stuff. Superficial people spend more money on the outside hoping it will make the inside feel better. This is how shallow advice works. It only takes care of things from the outside while neglecting key important points within. Shallow advice is a lot like shallow people. The advice is distorted because it is given based on superficial factors while the underlying problem is left unsolved. So what are some examples of shallow advice? Its when someone advises you to buy a car because its a certain model, date a person because they own a certain something, or take a job because it has a certain title. The

61

problem with the advice is the car could break down, the guy could run off, and the job could end up stressing you out. Always take a peek under the hood, into his heart, and through the companys history. We get ourselves in trouble when we advise ourselves and others based on superficial things.

1 Samuel 16:7 - The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.

How do you know if you have encountered shallow advice? First, shallow advice only takes care of the surface of the problem. You cant put a band-aid on a bullet wound. The band-aid might be large enough to actually cover the bullet but the pain and damage will continue to rage until the wound is properly dressed. Shallow advice covers the problem without actually solving it. Another indicator you are receiving shallow advice is if you find it has a solution to your ego, but not to your problem. When Absalom attempted to overthrow the reign of King David, he needed some good advisors to give him proper counsel on how he could secure the throne. Two advisors stepped up to the plate. The first advisor was named Ahithophel. The Bible says this about Ahithopel; 2 Samuel 16:23 - Now in those days the advice Ahithophel gave was like that of one who inquires of God. That was how both David and Absalom regarded all of Ahithophel's advice.

The second advisor was Hushai. Hushai wasnt a true friend of Absalom.

62

His loyalty remained with King David and he arrived at Absaloms throne to intentionally give him bad advice. Hushai knew that if he could get Absalom to take bad advice, he wouldnt be able to properly secure the throne. Ahithophel gave Absalom advice that catered to his kingship, and Hushai gave Absalom advice that catered to his ego. Hushais advice was superficial advice, and Absalom took the advice that flattered him over the advice that worked. Hushais superficial advice would turn out to be Absaloms demise. 2 Samuel 17:14 - Absalom and all the men of Israel said, "The advice of Hushai the Arkite is better than that of Ahithophel." For the LORD had determined to frustrate the good advice of Ahithophel in order to bring disaster on Absalom.

When we seek advice we should avoid the superficial and make sure that we look at the heart of the matter. Advice should come from experience, past outcomes, diligent spiritual and emotional consideration, and expertise. If the advice is motivated from a shallow and superficial source then it isnt worth taking. Accepting advice that caters to the ego can be dangerous. People often have an idea of what they would really like to hear when seeking advice. Advice that flatters is often advice that is heeded. This is dangerous because we simply need to act on what is best for our lives and not what feels good to the ego.

63

nineteen

Avoid Tainted Advice

A woman I know personally who well call Allison was tainted by her experience of marriage. She was married for more than a decade to a person she thought was her dream man. Like most newlyweds she envisioned a happily ever after, but soon after the wedding her husband turned emotionally abusive. Driven by jealousy and insecurity he made her life very difficult. She could barely go to the grocery store without an hour-long interrogation upon her arrival back home. When she left him with their three children and hardly any money, her view of marriage was a dark one. She never let another man get close to her as she placed a steel metal wall around her heart. While it is wise to guard the heart, we are supposed to guard it against evil influences not against positive opportunities; and love is a positive opportunity. The metal wall she placed around her heart not only influenced the way she interacted with potential suitors, but it also influenced the advice she gave to others regarding marriage. Anyone that has gotten advice from Allison regarding marriage has probably received tainted advice emerged from the hurts Allison suffered in her own marriage. Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. If you are stuck and dangling yourself, then it is difficult to advise others on how to move ahead.

64

Tainted advice is unsurprisingly common in the relationship arena. Because there are so many broken hearts due to imperfect love, the relationship arena is overwhelmed with an epidemic of tainted advice. Avoiding tainted advice can be difficult but there are ways to discern the difference between the untainted and tainted. One important rule when receiving advice is to know your advisor. You dont have to know every nook and cranny of that persons essence, but you must know the experiences they have in the area in which they are giving you advice. If they have had positive experiences, great! If they can draw from both positive and negative experiences then thats even better, but if they have had negative experiences only then watch out! What we go through in life is part of what builds and develops our character. We are often products of our experiences and some of us are damaged goods that are in dire need of repair. When that renewal and repair is not received and the hurts have not been healed, then it is easy for us to give hurtful advice to others. Its a challenge to promote health in the lives of others when we are still in the healing process ourselves. If we are still healing we have a tendency to speak from our pain, not from our heads or hearts. Tainted advice acts as a double-edged sword for the one who has had the tainted experience. The first slice of the sword acts as harmful contact to the person who receives advice from the tainted advisor. The second slice of the sword acts as harmful contact to the tainted advisor. The tainted advisor has a difficult time accepting helpful advice from others, because its contrary to whatever dark view they possess.

65

Most of us have probably received tainted advice at one time or another. One particular time I received tainted advice was when I began looking for a new apartment. When my husband and I decided that it was time to move from a big cold city to a smaller Southern location the apartment hunting began. Because I was completely unfamiliar with the city I was moving to and had no friends or family there, I sought the advice of strangers on the internet. I went to an internet site where apartments were rated on the quality of their staff, grounds, maintenance, safety, and general infrastructure. I was so alarmed by the ceaseless negative comments on apartments that I was beginning to rethink the decision of moving to that particular city. Many of the comments complained of break-ins, rude staff, and cheaply built interiors. I went to my husband with the information I had received on the ratings site and told him I couldnt find an apartment that seemed satisfactory. Almost every apartment had a plethora of negative comments. He looked at me and told me to calm down. His reasoning was that I should expect the negative comments due to the ratings site being a type of outlet for people who have been tainted by their experience. When people experience something terrible they have a natural instinct to warn others. They will warn even if their experience may not necessarily be the experience of the next person or even the majority. Although I shouldnt disregard the apartment ratings completely, it was important for me to take each anonymous comment with a grain of salt. I had to realize their advice is tainted by their own unique experience of the complex. This realization was validated when out of curiosity I

66

researched the comments on a former complex in which I had a wonderful stay. I was shocked to see that my former apartment complex had stories of the exact opposite of what I had experienced. Although I had a high opinion of the building, there were comments that advised others to stay far away from the complex. Some people are darkly tainted by their experiences. When we realize an advisor is being biased due to a negative experience, it is time to move on to other advisors who can give us alternative points of view.

67

twenty

Weed Through the Crazies

I have two words for you: Internet dating. The online dating sites are where we turn when work, the gym, and produce aisles just dont seem to bring any suitable mates. When the places we physically attend do not produce the man or woman of our dreams, we decide to venture into the virtual world. The decision to go online usually occurs after our best friend sets us up on a blind date with a deranged person. In desperation, we log onto our computer and get on the web to search for love. Internet dating can be fun. The experience of finding a suitable match is akin to going to a pet store to find the perfect puppy, and the good Lord knows that we all love puppies. When we search for a mate (or a puppy) we have an idea of what we are looking for in our potential new companion. The few of us who are really low maintenance will settle for someone who speaks English, takes a bath occasionally, and wont pee in the bed. Those of us who have higher standards may have specific things we want, such as eye and hair color, height, and intelligence level. There's always a chance we can get the one we want. But finding the perfect mate is not always an easy task because in order to get to that good one, we have to weed through the Crazies. Weeding through the Crazies is a principle that is absolutely necessary when seeking advice. Weeding is tedious and time consuming but unfortunately must be done. Weeding is how we narrow things down to the good options.

68

The first step to weed through the Crazies involves learning their characteristics. In order to learn the characteristics of a Crazy you must know what a Crazy Advisor sounds like. When I use the word crazy I dont intend to use it loosely. I am not talking about the crazy who runs us down on the street shouting gibberish and begging us to take off our shoes, nor am I referring to the crazy in our family that shows up at formal functions wearing a sash and carrying a bottle of scotch. The Crazies Im referring to are harder to identify because they are considered normal by worldly standards. There are everyday Crazy Advisors in our life. Family, friends, and coworkers all have the potential to give crazy advice. We must be able to identify the Crazies if we want to weed through them and its much easier to identify a Crazy if we know some of their characteristics. Two characteristics of a Crazy are confusion and a tangled life.

Corinthians 14:33 -God is not the author of confusion but of peace.

Good advice doesnt confuse, its clear and concise and gives relevant answers. Crazies are always off base. For example, while you are asking for advice on dieting the Crazy will be busy mumbling about something totally different. The Crazy will justify their irrelevant rambling by stating that they will eventually get to the point. If you must listen to a miscellaneous soliloquy first, then it might be a Crazy that is doing the talking. It is not necessary for us to listen to irrelevant ramblings in order to get to relevant solutions. I am not

69

speaking of people who actually have a valid point, I am talking about those who dont. The Crazies often give invalid advice that is simply confusing. The person seeking the advice is still left wondering what to do when the encounter with the Crazy is over. Good advice will clear things up for you. If you are still left as confused as you were before you sought the advice, then you should consider whether you were speaking with a Crazy. A Crazy Advisor spews out discombobulating words. Many of us have irrelevant conversations about important matters all the time that leave us just as confused leaving as we were coming. When speaking with a Crazy you will probably end up walking away without a clear solution. People will often advise you to do the same thing they have been doing themselves regardless of whether its working. Is someone offering you advice they absolutely swear will add much needed benefits in your life? Check out the garden of their life. What benefits are they reaping? The whole principle of reaping, sowing, and putting out good in the universe is not a new secret. It is a biblical concept that was explained by the apostle Paul two thousand years ago.

2 Corinthians 9:6 - Remember this: he who sows sparingly and grudgingly will also reap sparingly and grudgingly, and he who sows generously that blessings may come, will also reap generously and with blessings.

If your dramatic friend whose life is a huge mess of a garden gives you advice, dont be afraid to take a closer peek over their fence. Those weeds of

70

drama took time to grow and cultivate. People dont wake up one day and have a completely disheveled garden called life. That life took time to cultivate with bad decisions, the wrong information, and a lot of awful advice. A crazy and disheveled life is a simple indication of a Crazy Advisor. The freshman fifteen is a term Americans use to describe the pounds kids pack on during their first year of college. The fifteen occurs because the kids are drinking more alcohol, eating more junk food, and stressing out about assuming more responsibilities. Stress, alcohol, and cafeteria food are the ingredients researchers blame for the weight gain. Although I didnt gain extra weight my freshman year, I did experience what I like to call the sophomore twenty. Thanks to Ben & Jerrys Cherry Garcia, a daily jumbo pack of Skittles, and a nightly pizza charged to my very first Visa card, those pounds were not difficult to gain. My thighs ballooned, my stomach became round and soft, and all I could think about was my next meal. I didnt have a problem with my new look but an acquaintance did. She advised me to wrap my body in saran wrap, and take a laxative every now and then to keep things flowing. She also said my daily McDonalds lunch was fine, as long as I didnt eat the bun. Was she crazy? She probably was. Was her advice crazy? Yes. Her advice was based on rumors and urban legends. Good diet advice would simply be to exercise, eat better, and eat less. Instead, I was given a formula conceived from the mind of a Crazy that amounted to a lifestyle that was less healthy than the one I currently had. Its not difficult to recognize crazy advice but you must acknowledge that its craziness.

71

When I received crazy advice years ago, I knew it was crazy but I took it anyway. I took it because I didnt want to admit I was talking to a Crazy. Crazy advice has no benefit. It only causes you and your advisor to look silly. If the advice sounds crazy, look deeper, because it probably is.

72

Part III When to Advise Others

twenty-one

When You Have Removed The Plank

There is a time and place for everything, including advice. The right time to give good advice is when you have removed the plank from your eye. Good advice clarifies. When we are clear on things and have seen for ourselves what the solution is, we are in a position where we can help others see what we see. Matthew 7:3 - Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Everyone has their own perspective on a situation. A point of view can be tainted if obstacles are in the way of that view. Many obstacles can obstruct us from seeing clearly. Emotions, self interest, other people, and even ideals all have the capability of obstructing how we see things. Different things can act as planks in our eyes when we are looking for an answer. The plank blurs out spiritual, mental, and emotional vision. A good advisor must see the light. When our actions are illuminated by light, things are better and easier constructed in our lives. One cant build anything effectively in darkness. What is built in darkness will always end up unsteady. What is built by light has the potential to

73

be sound, strong, and well-made. All planks must be removed from the eye of the advisor so they can see. Often, people with big problems attempt to help those with small problems. The only thing the person with the bigger problem can show a person is how to enlarge the smaller problem to match the enormity of their own. This does not mean that people with problems cannot help others. If that were the case no one in the entire world would be of any help to anyone else. What it does mean is this - dont seek spelling advice form an illiterate person. Instead of seeking help from someone in worse shape than you, bring them up to the same level while seeking the advice of someone in significantly better shape then you currently are. Imagine that you have a friend who recently got a degree in exercise science. She is a smart, bright, and compassionate girl who is very knowledgeable about effective exercise and anatomy. She is not in good shape physically and she is worried her overweight appearance will hinder her from helping people. She reasons people will be reluctant to take exercise advice from someone who is slightly overweight. She has an authentic desire to coach people into healthier bodies and while she may have the knowledge and the know-how, she has a plank in her eye. She has never put the advice she wants to give others into practice for herself. The problem is; others cannot be sure the advice is one hundred percent effective if the person giving it has never used it personally. Her knowledge and expertise may be exceptional, but she could establish more credibility by putting her own advice into motion. She would then

74

be able to say to advisee I am the successful outcome. Dont give advice until you have removed the planks that prohibit you from seeing clearly to advise.

75

twenty-two

When You Have The Answer

Scientists are just now figuring out what Christians have known for centuries; that giving and being good to others is healthy for the mind, soul, and body. Studies have even linked giving charitably to the same area of our brains where sexual pleasure is experienced. Giving is powerful. When you know you have the answer, then give it. There is a proverb of sage advice that says; we have two hands, one hand is for giving and the other for receiving. People are meant and designed to serve others, which is a part of every humans purpose. When we serve, we feel more fulfilled because we are living in purpose. Good advice is knowledge that you possess that has the potential to make someone elses life that much easier. You give advice when you have the answers. If you know the answer, feel free to spread the love by blessing someone with your knowledge. On a Coke commercial that does a remake of the video game Grand Theft Auto, the car thief turns into a loving and compassionate man who goes around town putting out fires, saving babies, encouraging people, and handing out sodas. The song Give a Little Love plays energetically in the background and the lyrics youre going to be remembered for the things that you say and do echo from the screen. When we give good advice we will be remembered by those we have helped. In the book of Daniel, King Belteshazzar saw someones finger writing on the wall. It was a ghostly finger, and yes, he was terrified. He knew intellectually

76

and spiritually that the writing on the wall was significant. He just couldnt figure out what it meant. He called in every astrologer and advisor to his palace looking for an answer to the meaning of the writing. Daniel 5:5 - Suddenly the fingers of a human hand appeared and wrote on the plaster of the wall, near the lamp stand in the royal palace. The king watched the hand as it wrote. His face turned pale and he was so frightened that his knees knocked together and his legs gave way. The king called out for the enchanters, astrologers and diviners to be brought and said to these wise men of Babylon, "Whoever reads this writing and tells me what it means will be clothed in purple and have a gold chain placed around his neck, and he will be made the third highest ruler in the kingdom." Then all the king's wise men came in, but they could not read the writing or tell the king what it meant. So King Belshazzar became even more terrified and his face grew more pale. His nobles were baffled.

The queen was tired of his sulking so she came up with this advice: Daniel 5:10 The queen, hearing the voices of the king and his nobles, came into the banquet hall. O king, live forever! she said. Dont be alarmed! Dont look so pale! There is a man in your kingdom who has the spirit of the holy gods in him. In the time of your father he was found to have insight and intelligence and wisdom like that of the gods. King Nebuchadnezzar your fatheryour father the king, I sayappointed him chief of the magicians, enchanters, astrologers and diviners. This man Daniel, whom the king called Belteshazzar, was found to have a keen mind and knowledge and understanding, and also the ability to interpret dreams, explain riddles and solve difficult problems. Call for Daniel, and he will tell you what the writing means.

77

The queen could have easily withheld her knowledge from Belteshazzar, but instead she was a good advisor because she pointed him to a Godly advisor. She had the answer and she gave it. When you have the answer, give it.

78

twenty-three

Advise When People Ask

There is nothing more annoying then unwanted advice. Sometimes people dont want your input because they simply just want to be left alone. We fall into the role of the Psychic Advisor when we cavort around doling out unsolicited advice. The Psychic Advisor thinks that they know anything about everything. While we have a moral obligation to advise people away from impending doom, we are still under an ethical obligation to do so in a respectful way. Sometimes much needed advice is unsolicited advice, but often unsolicited advice is unwanted advice; this is the catch twenty-two. The truth is - unwanted advice is hardly ever taken when it is unsolicited, which leads me to the conclusion we should ask if we can give it. Advising is a consulting process that needs to be eased into carefully. Ask the person if it is OK if you can offer some advice. Dont start your consulting session with What you need to do is or You messed up when you Advising is not a time to sarcastically point out mistakes. A relationship of respect is needed between the advisor and the advisee and this respect starts with the simple courtesy of asking. If you see someone in need of a bit of direction dont be afraid to ask if you can help them out. Sometimes people are afraid to ask for the guidance they need and are simply waiting for someone to come along and provide it. Wouldnt

79

it be nice if you were the credible, experienced, and willing source to provide that guidance for them?

80

twenty-four

When Its The Right Thing To Do

Sometimes we are called to play the role of the hero when its time to do some advising. We can see the impending doom that will settle over the life of a person we love and we are compelled to thwart the disaster in whatever way we can. When we play this role we are advising someone simply because it is the right thing to do. This does not necessarily mean that the person we are advising is completely clueless or oblivious; however, it does mean that without good advice a potential disaster is imminent. Good advisors are like heroes. They fly in, save the day, and then vanish humbly.

Philippians 2:3 Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves.

We should mimic this play by play of swooping in, doing good, and then stepping away with humility. When we play the hero role we should remember that a hero never does anything out of pride. There is no room for the old I told you so because there is only room for action and compassion. Our feel-good moment shouldnt come from harping on how our expertise has moved someone in the right direction. The feel-good moment should come from an inward satisfaction that we advised someone wisely because it was the right thing to do.

81

Part IV Becoming a Good Advisor

twenty-five

Listen Up

The first step to becoming a good advisor is to listen carefully. Always find out the whole story so you can advise while looking at the big picture. When we have a clear view of the whole picture it enables us to give clarified advice. You will find that learning to be a careful listener can improve your life in all areas including helping you to become a better advisor. An old friend of mine once took her child to a pediatrician that had the attention span of a gnat. Before she arrived at the appointment, she would ask her daughter about any ailments she had experienced since their last visit. If her daughter had experienced a stomachache, headache, or any other ailment her mother wanted to know prior to the appointment. She was a timid girl so her mother did all of the speaking for her at the appointments. She would tell the doctor everything her daughter had told her on the way to the appointment. This pediatrician thought that childrens Tylenol was the answer to everything. Before my friend could get the complete words to a particular ailment out of her mouth the doctor would abruptly interrupt her to say Tylenol with a big smile on his face. The conversation would often go something like this: My daughter was complaining of Tylenol

82

Well she also said that her Tylenol The truck that ran over her foot on the way here was loaded with - Tylenol? I was wondering if she should bathe in Tylenol

The pediatricians advice was consistently the same because he never listened carefully to what was going wrong. He thought the Tylenol remedy would always do the trick. Unfortunately, Tylenol does not cure everything, and like that pediatrician we cannot find out the cure for a problem unless we listen carefully. Next time you give advice you should ask yourself if you have listened. When we dont listen carefully we often interrupt to proclaim a solution we may have prescribed in the past without fully being aware of the ailment.

Proverbs 18:13 - He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame.

In the book of Ruth, Ruths mother-in-law gave her some excellent advice on how to snag a man and get him to commit. Biblical style commitment was a lot different than todays style. The man normally wasnt going to remain a bachelor because he didnt want his football game interrupted. People really believed in the goodness of marriage and it wasnt approached with disdain or hesitation. In

83

those days it was approached with eagerness and anticipation. Before Naomi gave Ruth advice on what to do she actually listened to the situation that Ruth was in. She listened to what was going on in the mans place of business and she had some insight on who the man was. The potential husband was a man named Boaz who was a distant relative of Naomi. Naomi had listened to her daughter-in-law carefully and was aware of the entire situation. She was also an experienced advisor who could successfully advise Ruth on how marriage proceedings were supposed to take place in those times. Naomis instructions to Ruth were prudent and specific.

Ruth 3:1 One day Naomi her mother-in-law said to her, "My daughter, should I not try to find a home for you, where you will be well provided for? Is not Boaz, with whose servant girls you have been, a kinsman of ours? Tonight he will be winnowing barley on the threshing floor. Wash and perfume yourself, and put on your best clothes. Then go down to the threshing floor, but don't let him know you are there until he has finished eating and drinking. When he lies down, note the place where he is lying. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down. He will tell you what to do."

Naomi did exactly what Ruth told her to do. Her advice to sum it up was; dress well, smell good, and then wait for that man to talk to you! Ruths mother in law could not have given her such good advice had she not listened carefully. Suppose Ruth came home, told her mother-in-law half the story and before she could finish Naomi interrupted her and said Just tell your coworkers you like

84

him. Nothing probably would have come from that advice. She would not have snagged a rich husband and there would not have been any impact on Ruths life. Besides, the coworker probably would have gotten Ruths words all wrong and twisted as people often do. The advice of Naomi landed Ruth a compassionate and rich husband, along with heritage in the lineage of Jesus Christ. Listening carefully, then clarifying what you heard can mean repeating back to the person what you believe you heard before advising them. In order to avoid miscommunication it is important to be clear on what you think you heard.

85

twenty-six

Learn To Say I Dont Know.

In the French language Je ne sais pas, je ne fais que travailler, means I dont know, I only work here. I have often encountered this phrase when entering a hardware store and inquiring about a certain tool, or while at the coffee shop attempting to find out what a certain ingredient is, or on the phone with the insurance company trying to figure out why a certain doctors visit wasnt covered. There are thousands of employees, perhaps even millions that are stationed around the world that will sincerely declare with a disinterested look; Je ne sais pas, je ne fai que travallier. Like these employees, we need to admit unashamedly when we dont have the answer. Life would be so much easier if people would admit when they dont know. Step away from giving advice if you dont know. Dont be afraid or embarrassed to inform the advisee that you are not a credible or experienced source. Dont allow your pride or the need to feel empowered cause you to give bad counsel to someone. When someone seeks advice from us it is not mandatory that we give it. We are able to choose whether or not we will advise them. Sometimes we need to decline the request for advice because we are uncomfortable giving advice on a certain matter. Other times we are to decline advising simply because we dont have the answer. Bad advice is given all the time because people dont want to admit that they dont know. My motto is; If you dont know you should say so. People could receive salvation from lots of heartache and

86

trouble had their advisor admitted to not knowing. I have noticed that people in places of authority are very susceptible to unintentionally giving bad advice. Teachers, preachers, and parents often dole out advice to those who look up to them without having full knowledge of the situation or even being comfortable with giving an answer. They are faced with the pressure of people expecting them to have all the answers and often collapse under the pressure of those expectations. It can be very frustrating to attempt to have all the answers. Sometimes, someone in authority must simply say I dont know when someone who looks up to their counsel needs advice. A parent must be able to tell their child they dont know and then find someone who does. It is not bad leading or parenting to not have all the answers. It is bad leading and parenting to pretend you do. Good people with good intentions can give out bad advice when they are not careful to advise only in areas in which their experience, credibility, and success can ensure a good outcome for the advisee. Dredge up the experience you have in the area in which your advisee is seeking the advice. Reflect on what you did in that area to achieve your successful outcome so you can pass it on to them. If you have no experience in the area, then advise them to go to another advisor that has that experience. Being a good advisor is about being willing to set the pride aside and having the ability to admit if you cant help effectively. You dont want to fall into the role of the Psychic by claiming you are cognizant about something you really dont know anything about. Reflect on how your experiences can help the person you are advising. What did you learn from the experience that you can teach your

87

advisee? Experiences teach us and we should share what we have experienced so others can learn from them as well. Our experiences are beneficial to us in this way; they serve to enlighten us as well as others. Find out what ways your experiences can apply directly to the situation. If you are uncomfortable offering advice let that person know. Proceed with caution. If you dont have confidence that you will say the right thing, then you shouldnt say anything at all. The feeling of being uncomfortable comes from uncertainty. We are uncertain about either our own intentions or another persons intentions and this makes us feel uncomfortable. Uncertainty does not make for good advice. Often people will offer advice to others even when they are uncomfortable because of their pride. Dont allow your pride to force you to speak words you are unsure of.

88

twenty-seven

Sometimes You Will Be Met With Resistance

The writers of the popular sitcom King of the Hill place their characters in a rural Texan setting and make their daily routine one of standing in the alley and saying yep to each other as they get drunk. In the state of Texas, its illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing. While this law is probably (hopefully) no longer in affect, the thought of such a normal task for these characters becoming a criminal offense seems ridiculous. Can you imagine what it would be like if someone wandered into the alley and offered legal advice to the King of the Hill characters? They would probably ignore that person and keep sipping their beers and Hank Hill (the leader of the group) may have responded with some snide remark. The cartoon characters are set in their ways and there probably isnt much anyone can do or say. Drinking beer in the alley is an intricate, affectionate, and large part of their lives, and no Texas law or legal advisor can change that. Advising people on matters that are large emotional parts of their lives can be complicated. If your advice meddles with their plans, prepare to face resistance. Even if everything around them screams loudly that they arent doing the right thing, the person still may have a difficult time adjusting when it interferes with what they do or know best. Do we give up on offering great advice to someone who needs it simply because we feel they will not take it? A wise man once said that he is responsible for both the things he does and does not

89

say. We should keep this in mind and remember that we are all afforded one life. If you can better someones life with a helpful piece of advice by all means do so even if you know it will be met with resistance. In Second Kings, Chapter five, Naaman was a warrior stricken with leprosy. Elisha the prophet, advised Naaman to go bathe in the Jordan waters if he wanted the God of Israel to heal his skin. Unfortunately, Elishas words were met with resistance. 2 Kings 5:10 - Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, "Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed." But Naaman went away angry and said, "I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy. Are not Abana and Pharpar, the rivers of Damascus, better than any of the waters of Israel? Couldn't I wash in them and be cleansed?" So he turned and went off in a rage.

Naamans arrogance exceeded his common sense and he initially refused to go bathe. Namaans servant had to persuade him to listen to the words of Elisha. Finally, Namaan agreed to go wash himself in the Jordan. When he came out of the water, he was healed and confessed that he would only serve the God of Israel for the rest of his life. Just like Elisha, we may offer some cleansing advice that has the capability to bring restoration to someones life. But it doesnt always mean it will be eagerly accepted and embraced. Sometimes our cleansing words will be shunned, but we can be thankful for the moments wise words are heeded and life is restored.

90

Dont Put the Pressure On Advising and pressure do not go hand in hand. While some may use persuasion techniques we must remember there is a significant difference in using persuasion versus using pressure. Be helpful, informative, but dont get oppressive. Giving advice is a lot like giving a good massage. When done lightly and firmly it looses tension and kinks. Some pressure is there but it isnt overbearing, its subtle and alleviates the pain when the pressure is released. A massage with too much pressure is different. The tension increases, the kinks become knottier and in the end you need a chiropractor to get involved. The same thing happens when we put too much pressure on the one we are advising. It just makes things worse and may require someone else to step in and fix what we have broken. Advice needs to be taken with a grain of salt. And dont be surprised if your advice is a bit salty. Just because you give it doesnt mean theyll take it, and if they are collapsing under your pressure the odds are they probably wont take it.

91

twenty-eight

Dont Complicate Things

There are a zillion books that translate the hidden languages of men and women. We are told that when women say Five minutes they really mean Twenty, and when men say I already did that they really mean Ill get to it. If I didnt know any better it would seem the whole world never really declares what they actually feel. While proclaiming that the whole world has a communication problem is a stretch, it is fair to say a portion of the world does. To communicate effectively one must clearly articulate the point they are trying to convey. To advise effectively, one must give clear direction and guidance to the one they are advising. People love to complicate things. When we complicate things we take more out of things then what is actually there. When you give advice there is no need to make it complicated. Define what you mean and tell it like it is. Your advisee shouldnt have to search for a dictionary or sign language book to decipher the advice that you have given. Advising someone is not the time to use riddles and subliminal messages. Save that jargon for poker night. When Queen Vashti didnt show up to a party King Xerxes was giving, he knew that something had to be done. People would talk and gossip about the king and call him a doormat unless he took action. King Xerxes consulted his officials. They gave him uncomplicated advice with a detailed plan of how he could put their advice to work immediately.

92

Esther 1:19 - Therefore, if it pleases the king, let him issue a royal decree and let it be written in the laws of Persia and Media, which cannot be repealed, that Vashti is never again to enter the presence of King Xerxes. Also let the king give her royal position to someone else who is better than she. Then when the king's edict is proclaimed throughout all his vast realm, all the women will respect their husbands, from the least to the greatest." The king and his nobles were pleased with this advice, so the king did as Memucan proposed. . The officials gave the king easy advice that could be swiftly implemented.

The advice was wise advice that would help the king retain his power and prestige. The officials didnt give a long complicated plan. They gave simple advice that would diminish further complications in the kings reign. Good advice should not be hidden. The advice should be placed on display and in the spotlight, which is why its important to communicate clearly. Your advisee shouldnt leave confused or left wondering if you are a Crazy. Advice that is communicated well leaves clarity. Ask yourself if the person you are advising now sees their situation and solution clearly? If your advice has somehow become lost in translation, go back and work out the blurry areas so that you can ensure the advice is clear.

93

twenty-nine

No Need For I Told You So.

Leave your attitude at the door. I know it sounds clich but that is honestly where we should all leave bad attitudes... behind us. Its not hard to become embittered when some swell advice has fallen on deaf ears. If your advice isnt taken immediately but is later followed by your advisee carrying a flask to contain their tears... sympathize. When our wisdom is exposed by the mistakes of others we may be tempted to cheer and declare proudly I told you so. But 'I told you so' are four words that we shouldnt say. Please dont bombard your advisee with the notorious 'I told you so.' Saying 'I told you so' never helps a situation, it only makes people feel worse. Good advisors are not pompous or arrogant. If you are coating your advice with arrogance the chances of it being received eagerly are reduced. Arrogance is a repellant to ears and stains the credibility of the advisor. The phrase I told you so is so popular that Country music artist Keith Urban and Randy Travis have made considerable amounts of money from singing those words in a chorus. The old I told you so stems from the gratification people get out of knowing they were right. Parents absolutely love to tell their children that they 'told them so.' Nothing makes a parent feel better than knowing a stern warning that was administered was exactly right. If the child fails and knows they have an 'I told you so' parent, that child will make every effort to hide that failure so they can be

94

spared from hearing those four words. The old 'I told you so' is often said out of three primary emotions; anger, frustration, and pride. Notice that none of these are good emotions. If you find that someone who hasnt taken your advice has fallen flat on their face because they didnt heed your warnings keep your mouth shut. The person you were advising already knows that you told them so. Instead, use the opportunity to help the advisee that didnt listen by giving them more advice. The second time around they will probably adhere to your every word.

95

thirty

Check Your Emotional Position

In the popular movie Shrek, when the ogre is pierced with an arrow and possibly nearing death, his friend takes action. His friend and companion, who is a donkey gives him this advice; You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep your legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich?

The Ogre is hit with an arrow and needs an herb to take away the poison. None of the things the donkey has advised him to do will help him in this situation. But the donkey only knows his friend is injured and in a panicking conniption blurts out whatever he can think of. We must not be like the donkey and make haste with our advice. We need to be sure that we are saying the right thing not the frantic thing. It is absolutely possible to be too emotionally involved when giving advice to someone we care about. There are also instances where we are too emotionally involved not because we care so much about the person but because we care about the subject. There are certain circumstances another may be going through that may hit close to home because we have suffered a traumatic experience in that area. In these cases, make sure you are giving rational advice that is thoughtfully constructed. When we advise completely from the emotions without ever involving the brain we mess up like the donkey did in

96

Shrek. We sputter things for the advisee to do in our hysteria that arent sensible. Good advice is sensible. Intelligence, understanding, observation, reason, and rationality are all ingredients to sensible advice. Be cognizant of your feelings and discern when you are too emotionally involved to be of effective help.

97

thirty-one

Learning To Say No To Bad Advice

Proverbs 10:21 - The lips of the righteous nourish many, but fools die for lack of judgment. Proverbs 3:21 - Preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight.

I have been the recipient of tons of wonderful parental advice. Some of the best advice that I have ever received was from my mother. This advice was repeated to me as a child, and again as a teenager. Her advice was to stop worrying so much about what others thought of me. I was teased as a child because I was so thin. Some of the boys would refer to me as chicken legs. It was hurtful and probably wreaked a bit of havoc on my self-esteem. I was naturally skinny due to genetics and a high metabolism that would follow me well into adulthood. When I would come home from elementary school and tell my mother the mean things another child had said about me, she would reassure me that I was beautiful and then tell me not to worry so much about what others thought of me. In high school, while faced with lots of peer pressure and a constant nagging of how others perceived me, my mother would still consistently tell me not worry so much about what others thought. One day, her advice actually set in and nestled itself comfortably in my subconscious. It was liberating. Many people limit what they do in their lives based on how they feel those around them will view it. They will set aside their very own desires to be seen as

98

acceptable in the sight of others. This is bondage. When we allow others to place us in a diminutive box of where they feel we should be - we enclose ourselves emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Once we are enclosed in that box, our growth is hindered because we cannot expand beyond the perimeters we have allowed others to set for us. In essence, we hinder our personal freedoms to simply be human and live. Spending the rest of your life basing your choices on an attempt to make everyone happy can end up making you very unhappy. I begin to care less and less about what other people think as I age. I think that not needing to fit in or please others comes with maturity. Children often wonder why their parents dress so tacky. It is not because their parents have no fashion-sense, its because they dont care what other people think. They have mentally freed themselves from the popularity contest others are competing in and are mature enough to realize what really matters. When this happens, it becomes acceptable to wear purple pants and black sandals with white socks. Yes, we should consider the feelings of others, but we dont always have to consider their opinions. Bad advice has been taken too often because we are afraid of what someone would think if we didnt take the advice. We so desperately want to feel accepted by others that we take their words to heart and many times those words leave us in a heap of trouble. I cannot count the times I (reluctantly) took the bad advice of someone whom I respected against my better judgment and intuition. I accepted their

99

advice out of a fear of rejection from the person I respected. Instead of placing concern for my well=being and health at the top, it received a lower spot to the opinion of another. Advice should be accepted because we know that we are hearing wise words from a credible source and not because we are worried about what others will think or say.

100

thirty-two

Be Responsible

Eli the high priest of Israel had a problem. He had misbehaving kids that he wouldnt discipline. The children were doing bad things and making both the temple and Eli look horrible. Eli had the power to get his sons to mind their manners but he wouldnt, so God was going to step in and discipline the boys Himself.

1 Samuel 3:12 - At that time I will carry out against Eli everything I spoke against his familyfrom beginning to end. For I told him that I would judge his family forever because of the sin he knew about; his sons made themselves contemptible, and he failed to restrain them. Therefore, I swore to the house of Eli, 'The guilt of Eli's house will never be atoned for by sacrifice or offering.'

Not much has changed in the new millennium. It only takes Court TV to see that parents still pay. If an eight-year-old decides to take his dads green wall paint and beautify the neighbors Ford Mustang, it wont be the child who pays for the artistry to be removed. It will be the parent who has to come up with the money for repairs. The judge would charge the parent with parental neglect, due to their lack of responsibility. When you advise someone you hold some responsibility in whatever occurs based on your advice, whether good or bad. The role of responsibility is one of the reasons many people dont like to give advice in the first place. A responsibility for the person or people they are advising falls quietly unto their

101

shoulders. People hardly want to accept responsibility for their own personal mistakes and mishaps, so they are unlikely to want to accept responsibility for others mistakes as well. If you arent ready for the responsibility then keep your mouth shut. We live in age where there is a blatant lack of willingness to take responsibility. People are so desperate to deflect responsibility that anything and everything imaginable is blamed for the mistakes people suffer. The blame game gives responsibility to everything from television, politicians, and musicians with a failure to accept responsibility on an individual level. The blame game began in the Garden of Eden. When Eve ate the apple, God came down and asked What in the world is going on here? Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the snake, and the snake well he was just happy to have walked off. Genesis 3:12 - The man said, "The woman you put here with me--she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it. Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

Not much has changed. People continue to blame others and the devil for the mistakes and wrongs they have decided to make. When we advise someone we must be aware of the role our advice takes on the life of the advisee. This is why we should be careful to ensure we are giving out good advice. Advise Responsibly

102

When we advise others we have a moral responsibility to ensure the advice we are offering is not going to hurt them. If we are unsure whether the advice is harmful, then we are clearly in no position to offer advice in the first place. For example; Telling Timmy its fine to eat the seven day old leftover fish thats been sitting on the warm counter when you arent sure whether the fish has grown new fins by now is not morally responsible. When we are issuing good advice we need to be confident our words are going to positively impact the person who hears them. If you are unsure and uncomfortable about what to say then you should not say anything at all. There is a saying that goes; Never miss a good chance to shut up. Dont be shy about shutting up.

Proverbs 17:27 - A man of knowledge uses words with restraint.

Our words are powerful. Our words have the power to edify or tear down. When someone seeks advice they are vicariously letting you know that they are going to allow your words to influence a certain area of their lives. Being asked for advice is an honor because it is an act of trust and confidence in what you have to say. When giving advice you become that persons life strategist on a particular matter. It is important to realize the trust one must put into us in order to ask for advice and we must be cautious and meticulous not to abuse that trust. When we learn how to be better advisors to others we can better advise ourselves. Giving good advice is not some complex art form - it is simply using common sense, experience, and a bit of loving compassion.

103

thirty-three

Let Your Light Of Advice Shine

Lots of people are fascinated with Oprah. Hundreds of thousands of people turn on their television sets in hopes to see something memorable or moving. Her viewers hope that some life changing advice will come from the show that can be applied to their lives. Because of her ability to persuade legions of people, Oprah is in a position of power. When you offer someone advice you are placed in a position of power. You become their expert on whatever it is they need instruction on and this is not something to take lightly. There is a saying that life is too important to be taken seriously. I prefer the saying advice is too important not to be taken seriously. When you know people are following your lead make every effort to be a good example. The world can always use another person who is being a light of hope in a world darkened by bad things. When I was growing up we used to sing a song called This little light of mine. It was a gospel hymn based off of Matthew 5:16 - In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. You are a little light walking around when you allow others to be the focus of your good deeds. Giving healthy and wise advice is a way to send a ray of light into someones life. When you advise others be sure to listen, empathize, and understand that everything will not always go as planned. When you dont know what to do, dont

104

allow pride to keep you from admitting your ignorance. Learn to say I dont know and shed any pressure to feel you must have all the answers. Dont complicate things, reflect on how you can help, and then apply your knowledge, experiences and wisdom to the situation. If you follow these rules, you will allow your light of advice to shine and illuminate the dark path of others. People are unquenchable in their thirst for answers. As soon as you burst forth from the womb your mind begins to ask questions that only your eyes can convey. A few years later when you can formulate sentences you naturally begin to question the world around you And as you grow you continue on your answer quest. You search for those answers in others and others search for their answers in you. You may not always have the answer but when you do - make sure to share it with zeal, compassion, and love. This is my advice to you; Ask God for wisdom, share with others as you receive, and never be too proud to learn from those around you. Each of us has plenty to teach the world around us even if we dont realize it. It is our duty to illuminate the paths of others with helpful advice. It is our duty to let our own light of advice shine. Its time to start your duty.

Luke 11:33 - "No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts it on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light.

105

NOTES CHAPTER SIX 1. http://cbs13.com/local/dispatcher.instincts.ashes.2.796760.html 2. http://www.straitstimes.com/Breaking%2BNews/Singapore/Story/STIStory_26573 7.html CHAPTER ELEVEN 3. http://www.murphys-laws.com/murphy/murphy-toddler.htm - its mine advisors CHAPTER SIXTEEN 4. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lie All sites were last accessed 8/30/2008

106