How To Create Successful Relationships

How to Create Successful Relationships
An e-Course by Paul & Layne Cutright
The Five Essential Keys That Will Unlock the Hidden Potential in Your Relationships
How to Create Successful Relationships e-Course The Five Essential Keys That Will Unlock the Hidden Potential in Your Relationships
by Paul & Layne Cutright
Lesson One
Welcome to the How to Create Successful Relationships e-Course. And congratulations on making your relationships a priority in your life! This will be your first of five lessons. We recommend you spend two days with each lesson. Having two days for each lesson will give you time to reflect on what you have learned. Each lesson also contains personal assignments to help you integrate the material into your life and relationships. Now, let's get started! First of all, what do we mean by relationship? For the purposes of this course, we are talking about any two or more people who intend to create a future together. That future could entail anything from friendship to roommates, lifelong marriage to business partnership, or traveling companions to pen pals. Relationships are among the most significant domains of concern for people, filled with the promise of love, understanding and companionship and, at the same time, vulnerable to misunderstandings, miscommunications, upsets and breakdowns. There are five keys necessary to unlock the hidden potential of your most important relationships. Understanding those five keys can make the difference between success and failure. Each of the following lessons will explore each of the five keys. Those five keys are: 1. 2. 3. 4. Develop high performance communication skills Have a working knowledge of the Five Stages of Relationship Use a design model to consciously create your relationships Practice "Radical Personal Responsibility"
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www.PaulandLayne.com partners@paulandlayne.com 866 . 217 . 8683
5. Use your relationships for your "conscious evolution" Key #1 - Develop High Performance Communication Skills Our definition of "high performance" communication is communication that is honest, compassionate, direct and honors the dignity of everyone involved. Relationships live in language. That expression of language occurs in conversation. That means that the quality of your regular, everyday communication, your ordinary conversations, to a very high degree determines the quality of your relationships. Your communication is not just the words you say; it is how you say those words. In fact, experts tell us that only 7% of the total meaning of our speaking exists in the words we say. The rest is contained in tone of voice, inflection, volume and even body language. The result you get in your communication with others is determined by your intention. Your intention is the superior force in any communication because your intention, conscious or unconscious, is the "carrier wave" for the words and is what is expressed in voice tone, inflection and body language. People will usually respond to the energy with which you say something more than the words you say. Powerful communication is congruent, meaning the words you say are consistent with your emotions and your intention. In the field of linguistics there exist what are known as speech acts. Just as getting up to close a door is a purposeful action performed by people everyday, so is speaking a purposeful act. People speak with one another to forward actions in their own and/or common interest. For our purposes, high performance communication includes a level of mastery in each of these speech acts:

Greeting and recognition Making requests Declining requests Making promises Making apologies Expressing acknowledgment & appreciation
Another, often overlooked part of communication, is listening. As the listener, you have the power to influence the quality of a conversation by how you listen. It was Paul Tillich who said, "The first duty of love is to listen." Have you ever been in a conversation in which your partner was not listening to you, or thinking about something else entirely - like what they wanted to talk about? And they could hardly wait for you to stop talking so they could say what they wanted to say? How did that make you feel? Have you ever done that? How would you compare that experience with how it feels to having your partner's complete and undivided attention when you are speaking?
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How you listen to another can have a direct and powerful affect on their self-esteem and their sense of value. The quality of your communication, especially your listening, determines whether you feel connected or not. High performance communication includes the skill of "deep listening", in which you are completely focused on what the other person is saying, not your own agenda. One of the greatest values of being able to implement high performance communication skills is that you are able to maintain a sense of affinity and caring while having disagreements and misunderstandings. Many people have lost relationships that were precious to them just because they weren't able to talk through the rough spots. If you want to prevent that from happening to you, it's a good idea for you to spruce up your communication skills and support the people who are most important to you to do the same. We have written an entire book about high performance communication called Straight From the Heart - Build Trust and Understanding. This book is now available as an e-book that you can download and begin reading immediately. This is a workbook filled with powerful exercises you can use in your personal and business relationships to help you become a master of communication! And now it comes with an online audio workshop called, How to Have Heart to Heart Talks Audio Program. This is a set of three audio files of a live workshop in which we demonstrate how to use the tools in our book, providing you with everything you need to create high performance communication right now! Just go to Straight From the Heart. One more thing, and this is very important. Since relationships live in language, success equals staying in the conversation. You see, it's likely that this e-course is initiating you into a whole new conversation about relationships. If you are not consistently engaged in this conversation by reading, listening to audios or some other form of study, or you are not discussing the ideas in this course regularly with people in your life, what you are learning here will remain at the conceptual level and will never be integrated into the fabric of your life. That's why we have created our "relationship success system" as a course of study that lasts long enough for the principles and practices to "stick". Assignment for Lesson One Often in our conversations we are listening to the voice in our own head more than we are listening to the person speaking. Now, you might be thinking, "What voice in my head?" Well, the voice that just said that! Notice how much you have a running commentary going on about everything. Developing awareness of that inner voice is one of the first steps to learning high performance communication. Because you can't stop it if you don't recognize it. Your assignment for this lesson is to begin noticing when you are not listening to others because you are listening to the voice inside your head instead. When you notice that happening, gently bring your attention back to what the other person is saying.
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Also, begin to notice when others seem to not be listening to you when you are speaking. When you notice that happening, gently bring it to their attention by asking them if this is a good time to be talking about whatever it is youre speaking about, because they seem to be distracted. That will give them the opportunity to either begin paying attention, or to acknowledge that this isn't a good time. Most people are just too polite to say something! You might also want to keep a small notebook in which to record your experiences. The 3 most valuable things I learned from lesson one, Develop High Performance Communication Skills: 1. 2. 3. Coming Up Next! In lesson two we will go over The Five Stages of Relationship. These five stages are like a map that will help you understand where you are presently in your relationships, where you've been and what's coming next. You will definitely need your high performance communication skills to get the most out of each stage of relationship!
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Lesson Two
Welcome to lesson two in your How to Create Successful Relationships e-Course. We hope you have had lots of opportunity to deepen your awareness about communication and listening. You will want to continue with your assignment from lesson one as we proceed into this next lesson. Key #2 - Have a Working Knowledge of the Five Stages of Relationships The second key to creating successful relationships is having a working knowledge of the five stages of partnership. The five stages are attraction, power struggle, cooperation, synergy and completion: 1. Attraction This stage of relationships is characterized by a fascination with another person, organization or project and a desire to learn more about them, as well as a desire to share about your self with the other person. It's fun and it feels good. This is the time when positive possibilities are sensed and explored. This is the stage people wish would last forever. 2. Power Struggle This is the stage where people start testing each other. It is one of the most difficult stages for people. Who is going to get whose way and how? Distrust from your unresolved past manifests and there is often a fear of loss of control and heavy judgments about the other person start to show up. Many relationships never move beyond this stage and many end here. This stage is really about building trust.
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3. Cooperation This is the stage where you learn to trust one another and to resolve upsets to your mutual satisfaction and benefit. You learn to share power and appreciate each others unique abilities and gifts. However, it is still self oriented - "What can I get out of this relationship?" rather than "What can we create with this relationship?" Beware of false cooperation in which one person acquiesces to the other in order to "keep the peace". This is still Power Struggle, only in a more subtle form. 4. Synergy This is the stage where there is a realization of a power greater than that of each individual. There is also a commitment to a specified focus and use of the power. Extraordinary satisfaction, intimacy, and a deep sense of mutual trust, empowerment and ease characterize this stage. It is a highly creative, high performance relationship. It also possesses a high level of acknowledgment and appreciation. The relationship emanates joy and power in this stage. 5. Completion This is a stage many people fear and avoid dealing with altogether. There are four ways relationships can be completed: drifting apart, expulsion/ejection, conscious completion or death. Sometimes completion is only about changing the form of the relationship, not necessarily the end of the relationship altogether. The most problematic stages for most people are power struggle and completion. People often ask us if the power struggle stage is necessary. Who wouldn't want to avoid power struggle? People don't exactly jump up and down with excitement when they enter that stage, like they might in the attraction stage! What most people don't understand is that the Power Struggle stage is really an opportunity to build trust at a deeper level. And trust is necessary if a relationship is to mature. Power struggle isn't bad; it's just inevitable, predictable, unavoidable and recurrent. That is, it happens more than once in any long-term relationship. Why? Because each time you increase the commitment in a relationship, e.g., investing more time, money, emotion, etc., more trust is required. Whenever more trust is required, you will temporarily revisit power struggle. The other problematic stage is completion. Everything that is created has a beginning, middle and end. And that includes your relationships.
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There are four ways relationships end: 1. Death 2. Drifting apart 3. Abrupt expulsion 4. Consciously with loving intent The first is obvious, as when someone dies. The second is when people may be separated by geography, time, interests or a slow build up of withheld communications. The third occurs with an apparently irreconcilable upset and the relationship is abruptly ended, usually with very bad feelings. Obviously, the most desirable of the four is conscious completion with loving intent, but most people don't know how to do that. Conscious completion includes acknowledging what you have learned from the partnership, what you have contributed to the partnership, making any apologies that might be necessary and asking for and extending forgiveness. Often, completion is about changing the form of the relationship, not ending it all together, as in parents who are divorcing or former business partners who are members of the same professional association. Their relationship will no longer be in the form of marriage, but they will continue to be partners at some level in co-parenting their children. In this case, conscious completion is very important for developing or maintaining mutual respect, dignity and caring in the partnership. Your capacity to complete partnerships harmoniously for the good of all concerned is a reflection of your relational maturity. It is a worthwhile goal. Assignment for Lesson Two Make a list of your top three most important relationships. Then, based on what you have learned in this lesson, right down next to each person what stage you think your relationship is in with them. Is it in attraction? power struggle? cooperation? synergy? completion? What is happening in those relationships that has you make that assessment? If you have purchased our Compete Relationship Success System you received The Five Stages of Relationship and Self-Assessment e-Course. If you have not done so yet, now would be a good time to complete the self-assessment. It will take you about 30 minutes to finish. Now, if you haven't yet purchased our Ultimate Relationship Success System, we recommend you get our propietary Five Stages of Relationship Self-Assessment here for only $14.95. We promise it is worth a lot more and knowing this information will save you a lot of
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time and heartache. If you choose to get this, you will learn the skills necessary for success in each stage, revealing the exact ones you need to work on and improve. This e-course and self-assessment will clarify specifically your own personalized curriculum for overcoming your barriers to success in relationship so you can gain the relational maturity that creates fulfilling, successful relationships. When you get the e-course and self-assessment, download and print it out and take the self-assessment. The 3 most valuable things I learned from lesson two, Have a Working Knowledge of the Five Stages of Partnership: 1. 2. 3. Coming Up Next! In lesson three you will learn how to use a design model for consciously creating successful relationships. Would you consider building a house without a blueprint? Of course not. But, people routinely go into significant relationships, romantic and business, without any plan at all for creating success. This next lesson will give you the distinctions you need to create mutually empowering relationships.
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Lesson Three
Welcome to lesson three in your How to Create Successful Relationships e-Course. Now that you've learned about the ultimate importance of high performance communication skills and you have your map of the territory in The Five Stages of Relationship, now it's time to get down to actually learning how to design your relationship. Key #3 - Use a Design Model to Consciously Create Your Relationships Would you even consider building a house without an architect and a blueprint? Would you gather wood, nails and a hammer and just start putting something together and hope it turned into a house you would want to live in? Of course not, yet people do the equivalent with their relationships all the time. They "believe" it will work out because it just "feels" right. Most people leave the success of their most important relationships up to chance and luck, in the hope that it will turn out. Too many times it doesn't and then they are left wondering, "What did I do wrong?" It can be a sobering realization when you see that your love and/or good intentions alone are not enough to guarantee success in your relationships. But it can also be a relief when you discover for yourself what we have found to be some important missing components. Those additional components are education and skill - education about what it takes to have relationships succeed, and skill in developing the standard practices necessary for success. Our experience has shown that anyone with a sufficient desire and determination can learn these skills and practices.
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Here is a simple 3-part model we have found to be extremely effective for beginning the design process. 1. Purpose (why) 2. Results (what) 3. Form (how) First, be clear on the purpose of your relationship. You can get to that by asking "why?" Why are we in this relationship? Purpose determines the direction you are going in. Purpose statements are best kept simple and general. For example, a business purpose might be to create profit with ease, joy and creativity, or a romantic relationship purpose might be to learn and grow together in love and passion. Then, write out the results you want to accomplish. Those could be feelings, experiences, products or services, depending on the nature of the relationship. This is where you get specific. Results are the "what." Look to see if the results you want in your relationship are consistent with your purpose. If they aren't, then you know you will have trouble down the road. Some examples of results could be open communication, joyful collaboration, honest and supportive feedback, foreign travel, feeling connected, fun. Last, determine the best form to serve your purpose that will help you achieve your desired results. Some examples of forms of relationship are friends, teammates, business colleagues, business partners, dating, engagement, and marriage. Form is tied to the roles you play in your life. Form is all about "how" you will achieve your desired results and ongoingly fulfill your purpose. Here is an example of what this might look like. Take two people who are attracted to each other romantically and are falling in love. They start talking about building a future together. If they were to use this design model, they would have deep conversations about the purpose of their relationship. They may decide their purpose is simply to bring out the best in each other. The kinds of results they want to experience in their relationship could include fun, laughter, deep, heart-felt sharing, travel, time apart, creativity, sexual pleasure, intellectual stimulation and community involvement. They would then have conversations about what the best form might be to accomplish those results, given their purpose.
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One of the important things to remember about form is that form changes. If the couple in our example is having these conversations at the level of serious dating, they may look at "going steady" and being monogamous. Or if they are further along in their relationship, they may consider being engaged. All of these are forms, and they change over time as commitment deepens and trust is developed, and the circumstances of our life change. Form also includes time, frequency and specific agreements about shared concerns, such as bill paying, visiting relatives, etc. Assignment for Lesson Three Your homework for this lesson is to sit down with pen and paper and use the design model you just learned and apply it to one of your existing relationships. You could use it for a romantic relationship or a business relationship. At the top of a sheet of paper write, My Purpose In This Relationship Is, and then begin writing down ideas. It doesn't have to be a completely finished statement at this point. Just jot down ideas that come into your head that you can form into a working purpose statement later on. Then on another sheet write at the top, Results I Want to Experience in This Relationship Are, then make as big of a list as possible, including all of the experiences and feelings you want to share with your partner. On the last sheet of paper write, The Form I Want My Relationship to Have Is, and just like in the first exercise, begin writing down all of the possible forms that this relationship could take. Remember, form also includes time, frequency and specific agreements about shared concerns, such as who will be accountable for what. Use the examples in today's lesson to brainstorm possibilities for yourself. And, of course, if you are doing this course with a partner, you will definitely want to do this together. The 3 most valuable things I learned from lesson three, Use a Design Model to Create Your Relationships: 1. 2. 3.
Coming Up Next!
In lesson four you will learn the most powerful lesson in this entire course - how to
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practice what we call Radical Personal Responsibility. One of the things that kill relationships is blame and guilt. Personal responsibility is possibly the single most important thing you can do to move beyond power struggle and empower yourself in your relationships.
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Lesson Four
Welcome to lesson four in your How to Create Successful Relationships e-Course. Now that you've learned the three steps to relationship design, it is time take some personal responsibility! Personal responsibility is a lot like the weather - everyone talks about it but nobody does anything about it! The difference is, with personal responsibility, you can do something about it. And that's what this lesson will show you! Key #4 - Practice Radical Personal Responsibility Assuming radical personal responsibility is accepting a mantle of spiritual wisdom. It elevates you to the understanding that you are not a victim of life and that your life and your relationships don't happen to you. Your relationships are a reflection of your own consciousness. Your thoughts, beliefs, feelings, attitudes and behaviors are creative factors in your life. If you will assume responsibility for the quality of those factors you can also assume responsibility for the results. That means you can have some creative control over the quality of your life and relationships. You can be the author of your own experience. We call it radical because it is so uncommon in our culture. It represents a paradigm shift, a radical shift in your understanding of how things actually work to create your experience of relationships. This power comes with a price tag though. The price is giving up blame. Blame, you know that addictive elixir we gulp down in excess when people won't do what we want them to do. Blame is most difficult to let go of when we are having an upset with some one. One of the hallmarks of relational maturity is taking responsibility for your own feelings during an upset. Now, here is something that is very important to understand. Upsets, disagreements,
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misunderstandings, miscommunications and breakdowns are inevitable, predictable and unavoidable in your relationships. Now, why in the world would we say something like that? What about positive thinking? Just look into your own experience. Haven't you had upsets and disagreements despite your best intentions and despite your positive thinking? Unfortunately, good intentions and positive thinking are not enough to completely avoid or prevent upsets and misunderstandings. They are a fact of life in human relationships at this stage of our evolutionary development. What is really required is a new way of interpreting these events. And that requires the knowledge and skill necessary to truly use them as opportunities for healing and spiritual growth. Here are the essential elements of Radical Personal Responsibility. 1. You are not a victim of others. Conventional thinking says that other people are responsible for your feelings and experiences, and the world seems to conspire to promote this point of view. It is easy to gather evidence for this perspective, but it will never put you in a position of personal power. Often the perspective of the victim is only that, a perspective, and not a powerful or attractive one. Being the "cause" of your own experience is a more powerful, attractive perspective. 2. You are not upset for the reason you think. This idea is a powerful invitation to look deeper than the obvious reasons for any upset. In the radical personal responsibility view, upsets are really an activation of unresolved pain from the past that is merely being recycled in the present. Until the original upset is confronted and resolved, it will continue to get triggered and recycle itself through current events. 3. The thing that hurts you is a hidden thought or belief about yourself that gets triggered by some event. The conventional view is that our emotional pain is caused by the behavior of others. From the perspective of radical personal responsibility, others' behaviors are only catalysts for emotional pain that already exists within you in the form of a thought or belief about which you are unaware. This makes every upset an opportunity for healing and growth. It is extremely important to have a mutually agreed upon, pre-determined means for handling disagreements before they occur. If you wait until after you are upset or angry with one another to figure out how you are going to resolve it, you are setting yourself up for extreme difficulty. It's like a novice skydiver trying to learn the best way of landing after they have already jumped out of the plane. Poor planning in that instance is sure to end in a bumpy landing. Luckily you don't have to re-invent the wheel. There are a variety of conflict resolution techniques you can employ. The most important thing is to agree on the method you will use,
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before you need it. You can begin to experiment with Radical Personal Responsibility by discovering your emotional drivers. The two biggest drivers in upsets are fear and the potential impact on your sense of self. For example, in an upset you might have a fear of loss of love and the impact on your sense of self is that you (and others) might believe you are unlovable or undeserving of love or that you don't have what it takes to keep a relationship. Assignment for Lesson Four Your assignment for this lesson is to write down a recent upset. Write down the upset first, including a brief description of what happened. Then, clarify what you were afraid of in that situation, followed by the impact the upset had on your sense of self. This exercise will begin to teach you the skills for embodying Radical Personal Responsibility so that you never have to feel like a victim again! Here is a form to help you with this assignment. I am upset because (write brief description): My fear in this upset was: The impact this upset had on my sense of self was: There is a longer, more thorough form for this process, called the Conscious Upset Resolution Exercise (CURE) which consists of thirteen questions. And in our new, revised 2nd edition of this best selling book, we have added a whole new chapter showing you how to use our "limiting belief map" to show you more clearly than ever the invisible structure of thoughts, beliefs, feelings and behaviors that sabotage your success. If you want to learn more about this powerful tool, you may wish to read our new book entitled, You're Never Upset for the Reason You Think - Resolve Any Upset Quickly and Easily. This book goes into great detail, with many real life examples and complete worksheets for the CURE. You may learn more about the book here.There is also a six hour audio program of a live, interactive training called You're Never Upset for the Reason You Think Audio Program, a six hour live recording of a teleclass in which we teach you how to use the CURE in detail. The 3 most valuable things I learned from lesson four, Practice Radical Personal Responsibility: 1. 2. 3.
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Coming Up Next! In lesson five, your final lesson, you will be introduced to a new way of thinking about your relationships. Relationship savvy people recognize that there is a tremendous spiritual opportunity available in our relationships. It is in our relationships that our unresolved emotional and psychological issues from the past are worked out and resolved. This process is much easier if we are conscious of the process and the skills involved. That's why the last lesson is about how to use your relationships for your conscious evolution.
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Lesson Five
Welcome to lesson five, the final lesson in your How to Create Successful Relationships e-Course. Now you will get to put all the other lessons together for a greater purpose - your conscious evolution! Key #5 - Use Your Relationships for Conscious Evolution The next level of successful relationships is enlightened partnership, which is aligned with and dedicated to serving the evolutionary impulse of your soul. We are approaching a stage in human development that allows us to consciously participate in our own evolution. Our future accomplishments as a species will come from the expanding dimensions of consciousness and the way we relate with one another. We are being pulled to explore the limits of our capacity for love, wisdom and compassion. For us to survive we must keep ahead of our technological intelligence with a spiritual wisdom and compassion, or we will perish from our own short sightedness and arrogance. In other words, we must evolve or die. What does conscious evolution mean? It means that you are choosing to evolve yourself. Conscious evolution is beyond personal development, which is about developing your existing assets and talents. Evolution is about becoming something more and greater than you have been. And it begins with the recognition that it just might be possible. You can nurture the desire to evolve and live in the intention to evolve yourself. Enlightened relationships are committed to the conscious evolution of everyone involved with the partnership. This requires new understandings, new agreements and new practices. It's not something you learn and master in a day or a week or a month or even a year. It's a path of study that you commit to. It can become a way of life in which your relationships are your
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spiritual practice. Participating with others who share the same commitment is a necessary stage for anyone's conscious evolution. Learning to cooperate and share power rather than compete for it is at humanity's evolutionary edge. We are all in this together. Acting collaboratively and cooperating to create true win/win outcomes will bring us all to the next stage of human evolution. Recognizing that your relationships provide you with a powerful opportunity for your personal and spiritual growth, you can truly take advantage of the opportunities present in your relationships if you share a commitment to use your relationship with each other for your mutual growth and conscious evolution. Who you are now is in the process of becoming something even greater than who you are in this present moment. You can participate knowingly in this process. There is greatness in you waiting to be called forth. Your relationships can be the catalyst for your greatness when you learn to use them for your conscious evolution. You are like the caterpillar that goes into a chrysalis to become the butterfly. Your relationships are the place where you evolve into the best you that you can be. What is your "growing edge" in your life right now? Does it involve people and relationships in any way? Who are you becoming? Are you relationships helping you become that, or are they hindering you? If there is a greatness in you waiting to be called forth, do you have a sense of what it is? What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Conscious evolution requires relationship because our relationships give us the necessary feedback we need in order to evolve. Our relationships reflect our strengths and where we need to grow. When you practice high performance communication, when you know where you are within the five stages of partnership, when you are using a proven model to consciously design your relationships to be the way you want them to be, when you can use your present time upsets to help you resolve your unresolved issues from the past, and you and others have an agreement to be allies with each other in bringing out the best in one another, then you are practicing conscious evolution and living in a powerful, fulfilling and successful evolutionary relationships. Assignment for Lesson Five Your assignment for this final lesson is to make a list of those people in your life with whom you would like to have a truly evolutionary relationship. You may include people with whom you are already in a relationship of some kind, but you would like it to go to another level of satisfaction. Think of people you work with as well as people in various networks to which you belong. Since relationships live in language and conversation, you may wish to invite them to take this course. That would be an excellent way to introduce them to this conversation. Then you
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will have more people in your life with whom you can share the distinctions and practices of this course, thereby causing your personal reality to shift to a higher level of relating. The 3 most valuable things I learned from lesson five, Use Your Relationships for Your Conscious Evolution: 1. 2. 3. Congratulations on completing the How to Create Successful Relationships e-Course! If you have found this course to be valuable, we strongly encourage you to share this course with your family, friends and loved ones. If they are on Facebook you can invite them to check out this course on Podclass the way you did. Or, if they are not on Facebook, you can send them to PaulandLayne.com and ask them to sign up for our Weekly Relationship Inspiration Program. Also, you can explore the rest of our Relationship Success System. Revisit our website to see what educational resources might help you take the next step. What's Next? Congratulations! You have completed the How to Create Successful Relationships e-Course. If you have not purchased our Ultimate Relationship Success System, the next step we recommend is our Relationship Savvy - Succeeding in Love Program. This is a guided 120 day program that will help you build a strong foundation for success in all your relationships, including your relationship with yourself. Relationship Savvy will teach you powerful new skills for consciously creating your relationships exactly the way you want them. It consists of an e-workbook, e-audios and web videos that take you by the hand and walk you through a powerful process of learning and transformation. If you follow this program exactly as laid out it will forever change the way you think about relationships. Here's the link again Relationship Savvy - Succeeding in Love Program.
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An e-Course by Paul & Layne Cutright

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