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Why Do You Want to Get Married?

W
hen my sister and I were in college, we would call each other on the phone, and pretend to be married. I know it sounds silly for a couple of 20-year-olds to act like little kids, but it came naturally to us. Id call my sister and say, Hello Mrs. Smith. How are the kids? Oh, theyre fine, shed answer. Bobbys first tooth just came in, and Sally is learning to read picture books. And Joseph? Id ask about my sisters husband. Did he get that promotion yet? No, but were still praying and believing God, shed say. Hows your family? Then wed laugh and enjoy sharing the feeling of being married

one day, because our game heightened the joyful anticipation we both felt. But the truth is, Ive wanted to be married since I was three years old. Yes, Girl, I was a toddler who tried to pick up little boys in Sunday school! And there was a good reason for that. As I observed my parents happy marriage, it made perfect sense to me that when I got older, I would be married toojust like they were. Although, way back then, I had no idea what marriage was (even though my parents modeled a wonderful, long-lasting marriage for me and my sister; theyve now been married over thirty-two years). But there was something else I didnt know back thenthe kind of man who would make a great husband and what hed need from me, as his wife. I was completely clueless. Do you, too, dream, as I did, of being married and what it would be like? Do you imagine what your day as a married woman would look like? Maybe you are looking forward to sharing dinner with your husband every night. Maybe you dream of having children and raising a family, with all the things that entailsfrom changing diapers, to packing lunches, to planning graduation parties. Maybe you are looking forward to spending your retirement visiting the

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pyramids in Egypt with your husband. Perhaps youre looking forward to being emotionally close to one person, someone who will understand you and accept you for who you are. Whatever your reason is, its important that you know exactly why you want to get married, and whether marriage will actually give you what youre looking for. Becausewhether your parents were married or divorced, or you had a single parentits important that you have your own understanding of what marriage is, and the effort it takes to create a happy one. The married life can be enormously fulfilling. And just plain tons of fun. A man and woman join to build a life they both dream of togethera life they cannot create without each other. The husband gets the opportunity to give the best of himself to his wife, his family, and his home. And the wife gets the same opportunityto give the best of herself to her husband, family, and home. With two people working together to accomplish the same dreams, there is nothing they cant do. Married couples can start a business together, raise a family, or do anything else they truly set their minds to. But its important to know one thing: good marriages take time to grow and mature. And

Why Do You Want to Get Married?

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that doesnt mean that a mature marriage has to be boring. Its very gratifying to watch your relationship grow and mature (at the same time, being willing to try new things will keep your love life spicy). Marriage isnt graduation for a single woman. She can choose to stay single, and still find fulfillment and happiness in her life by herself. For hundreds of years, marriage was often the only way a woman could survive. She had to get a man to make sure shed be taken care of when her parents died. But women no longer need marriage to create or secure a future for themselves. The occupational opportunities available to women in the 21st century are virtually endless. We can work and have a fulfilling career. We can own our own houses, buy whatever we want, and even start our own corporations. We can further our education, and earn a masters or a doctorate degree. Being a wife is not the only option we have, and this fact is something we need to embrace When I think of a happy single woman, I think of Michelle McKinney Hammond. Ms. Hammond is a best-selling author and champion for Christian singlesspecifically, their quest to find purpose and meaning in single life. In 1997, she wrote her bestselling book, What to Do Until Love Finds You, which encourages

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women to find completeness and fullness in their single lives, whether they are in a relationship or not. Over the past 12 years, Hammond has continued to write books that give women the strength to truly enjoy life as an unmarried person. She travels, she writes, she owns her own home. And she models her single life as a woman in all her single glory. So, why should a woman get married? What is the point of marriage these days? After speaking with many happily married women, and thinking deeply about my own experience, I believe a woman should get married if she truly wants to share her life with a husband, and is willing to do the work of being a wife. Marriage can bring joy, companionship, and purpose to your life. But it comes with a price, and that price includes compromise, selflessness, and the necessary interdependence upon another person for how your life unfolds, over time. For example, lets look at the concept of selflessness. Remember when you were younger and you were learning how to share? Well, maybe that was a long time ago, so Ill use my two-year-old daughter, Robin, as an example. Right now, Robin is an only child, so in her world, everything she sees is hers. Her toys belong to her. Her books

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Why Do You Want to Get Married?

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belong to her. Even our furniture belongs to her. There are no other siblings to consider, so she doesnt have to share anything with anyone, other than my husband and me. When she was about to start her new day school, the first thing we had to teach her was how to share. We told her that she could play with anything in the classroom, but she had to take turns with the other kids in her class. This didnt make her happy. In fact, I was amused that her solution was to throw a toy car on the floor and play with something else, rather than share a toy with her playmates. Well, in marriage, a husband and wife dont share toys. They share the decisions, the overall direction, and the big goals of their family life together. They share the outcomes of those decisions as well. When one person makes a mistake or bad choice, the other has to live with that choice, even if they werent a part of that decision. The husband doesnt get his way all the time, and neither does the wife. In fact, I would say that neither one gets his or her way at all. Everything in a marriage is a compromise, a combination of what both people want. But this is just one example of the many challenges people face in marriage. And that may be one reason that singlehood is on the rise in the United Stateswith the median marriage age for women being 25 in 2007, versus 20 in 1960 (according to the United States

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Census Bureau). Although the National Marriage Project sponsored by Rutgers University found that 62% of married men and 59% of married women were happy in their marriages, 50% of first marriages were projected to end in divorce (United States Census Bureau). But for the 50% of all first-time marriages that do succeed, what allows them to last is usually that the two people involved are prepared for the challenges, and understand the purposes, of marriagelong before they say I do. When you understand what it takes to be a wife, and what you should expect from your husband, you are more likely to be committed to the institution of marriage, and can work towards building a fruitful life with your husband.

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What Is a Wife?
Being a wife is one of the most rewarding roles a woman can haveand embody. As a wife, God gives you the challenge of taking care of your husband, allowing you to watch his life improve because you are a part of it. To be a wife requires ingenuity, creativity, soulful nurturing, and sensual prowess. This job is where you can use your best talents and essential features as a woman.

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A wife is a custom-made, life-long companion to a man. She is the help, stabilization, and representation of home to a husband, as illustrated in Proverbs 31:1031. She is his inspiration, his confidante, and his soul matethe woman he will cherish more than any other woman in his life. Its essential to understand that being a wife is all about what you add and contribute to your husbands life. Because what you receive is always limited or defined by what your husband is. And that is why it is so crucial to choose a husband who can be what you need. As a wife, youll be too busy doing your job to also focus on taking care of yourself alone, as you did when you were single. And if you are married to a man who doesnt serve as a husband to you, the role of a wife will seem very unrewarding. A man and a woman get married because they are looking forward to two things. One is the opportunity to bring their strengths into the marriage. And two is the privilege of enjoying the strengths of their mate. Eve, the woman Adam took as his wife, didnt cook, because they lived on raw fruit and vegetables. She didnt wash Adams clothes either, because he didnt wear any. But, according to Gods mandate to Adam, it was his job to tend the Garden of Eden in which he lived.

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It wasnt Eves responsibility to tend the garden. She only became a partner in caring for Eden when they married and so shared this responsibility together. I am not trying to tell you to not to do these thingsthe cooking the laundry, and caring for your home. Our society does model certain gender roles, and these create expectations about the things a husband or a wife will bring to the table. So these roles or jobs are valid (and I can make a mean lasagna, if I do say so myself ). But when we are looking for the virtues God desires in his daughters as a wife, these things dont appear as universal traits. It takes more than a good cook, a good housekeeper, and a good clothes launderer to be a Godly wife. What we learn in Genesis 2 is, Eve was created by God to be a suitable partner for Adam in living his life. The mindset of a wife is to help, and to bring whatever she can to her marriage, so that she and her husband can build a satisfying life together. When a woman has that mindset, she doesnt mind cleaning, or cooking, or doing whatever else is needed to make sure her home has the best. Its her joy to take her childs temperature, or entertain her husbands clients at a dinner party, because shes adding her value to the dreams she and her husband share together.

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Why Do You Want to Get Married?

The question is, Are you ready to be a wife? Are you ready to do whatever it takes to make sure your household works smoothly? Are you ready to give of yourself to your husband and home as you would unto the Lord? If the answer is Yes, then marriage with the right husband can be the best thing that ever happened to you. You are a step ahead of many women who get married for the wrong reasons. And are deeply disappointed just a few years after the white dress, wedding favors, and exotic honeymoon. That, dear Sister, is truly a blessing.
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Having a Marriage Mindset

Among women who are not married, most can be divided into three basic types. There is the single woman who is living her life more or less for herself. There is the married unmarried woman who treats her relationship with a man like a marriagebut without a marital commitment. And then there is the wife-in-waiting, a woman who is prepared to be a wife but is waiting until marriage to take on the responsibilities of being a wife.

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A single womans life is designed by herself alone. I dont believe, as some do, that single women are selfishin fact many single women have the time to give back to their church or families, or be active in their communities. But a single woman can afford to make temporary decisions. She can change jobs, change careers, relocate to another state or another country, all based on her lifes goals and desires. Each man she meets has to fit himself into the existing shape of her life, and he either fits or he doesnt. If he lives far away, and he wants to be with her, he better move to where she is, because shes not moving. Shes looking for someone who attends her own church, because she likes her church, and really would prefer someone who likes the church she goes to. This mindset preserves her life as a single woman, and it works to keep her life where it should bea life that fulfills her God-given destiny. A married unmarried woman gives up way too much of herself to her boyfriend, without the true commitment of marriage. Shes best friends to the Samaritan woman in St. John, Chapter 4. She washes his clothes, makes his doctors appointments, and may even have sex with him, because he needs to release tension. She bases her life

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Why Do You Want to Get Married?

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choices on whats important to him and his goals. Shell change her job, move to a new location, and help take care of his kids, if need be, because she loves him, and just wants to help him out. But the mind of a wife-in-waiting is very different. Although shes unmarried, her future plans are flexible, based on the marriage she and her husband will build together. The wife-in-waiting may have a wonderful career as a teacher, architect, or financial advisor. But where and how much she furthers that career may change, if her relationship with her husband needs more of her time. If he lives in another state, shes willing to move, if her marriage would do better in another state. She may own a house, but if selling it makes sense for her marriage, she is willing to do so. Where she and her future husband worship God together is secondary, as long as they can worship God together. Most importantly, a wife-in-waiting is willing to make huge life adjustmentsbut only for her marriage-license, wedding ceremony, and can-legally-change-hers-last-name husband. For a wife-in-waiting, no fiance, no boyfriend, no significant other qualifies as a man for whom she would give up her home, career, family, or church home. The reason I know so much about these three categories of single

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women is because I have been all three. And, God help me, I would have made even more mistakes in my relationships, if it was not for the Lord. I have been so independent that it was impossible to start a new life with a husband. I was more concerned with my perspective than with our perspective. Ive given away so much of myself to my boyfriend that there was no need to think about marriagein his mind. I was already being a wife, so why should he bother to marry me? Finally, though, I became a wife-in-waiting: I began to value who I was as a woman. I knew that the only way to be married was to think like a wife, and wait until marriage to act like a mans wife. It was difficult to change my mind set. Many times, I would question whether I should give more to my boyfriend to show him I could be a wife. But I realized that men know a womans character by how she respects herself and her home. For instance, my husband believed I would be his wife right after our first date. I didnt even get a chance to cook him a meal, show him my apartment, or prove to him I could be a satisfying lover. He saw my virtues on that very first day, and I believe a man can tell the quality of a woman just that fast. After all, when Adam saw Eve, it was love at first sight. Adam had

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Why Do You Want to Get Married?

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seen other creatures in the Garden, but he recognized how special Eve was the moment he saw her. What kind of unmarried woman are you? What kind of unmarried woman do you want to be? A single woman will likely be frustrated with the compromises of marriage and long for the days when she could make decisions based solely on her own desires. A married, unmarried woman may never get married to the men shes committed herself to, because she doesnt make marriage a necessity, before she surrenders to each one in turn. A wife-in-waiting may wait a little longer for her husband, and be frustrated with how many men will try to challenge her standards. But when she meets a man who wants to be a husband to her, shell have the best chance of having a happy marriage. And enjoying being a wife to one man, the man shell prayerfully share the rest of her life with.

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Some Christian women ask, How do I know God wants me to be a wife? I dont believe that is a fair question. It implies that women dont have a choice in the matter. God loves us, whether or not we marry. I have not found any scriptures to support the notion that God would be disappointed if we didnt get married, or would be upset if we did marry. The question is, Do you want the job of being a wife? But let me add one caveat to that question. In the book of Jeremiah, when God gives Jeremiah his calling to be a prophet, He specifically tells him not to marry, because there were no eligible women suitable for him. This request was very clear and undeniable to Jeremiah, and came with a reason that aligned with this prophets life purpose. So, unless, like Jeremiah, God has specifically told you not to marry, and given you a reason for not doing so, the choice of marriage lies with youand your willingness to do the job with all your heart. Where is your romantic focus? If you are content with today, and are not looking for tomorrow to be different, your tomorrows will always resemble your yesterday. But if that is not true for you, remember that all it takes to create a different future is to set your sights on what you desire, and commit yourself to whatever God directs you to do to have it.

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Why Do You Want to Get Married?

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So I encourage you to be ecstatic about what your future can hold for you. If you knew you were getting married next year, you would be smiling from ear to ear. Your face would be glowing. You would be bouncing around in your car, as if dancing to music on your car radio, and you might even start marking off the days on your calendar. That feeling youd have, that anticipation, should be an attitude you wear every day. Because that feeling of expectation will change the way you look at your single life, and help you see your new life as it unfolds. The process of moving from unmarried to married begins the day you decide you no longer prefer being unmarried. On that day, being married takes priority, and that is the priority will remain for the rest of your life. Because those who are happy and fulfilled in their marriage always make it the number one priority in their lives. Whether youve met the man you want as your husbandor are still waiting to meet himthe decision to be a married woman is yours to make. Whenever you choose to make it.

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