Sermon No.

692

WHAT MAKES A MARRIAGE WORK?

A sermon delivered by Batsell Barrett Baxter on July 19, 1970 at the Hillsboro Church of Christ,
Nashville, Tennessee, and heard over radio station WLAC at 8:05 P.M.

Riding beside a young man in an airplane recently, I talked with him of his work and of his extensive travels. Then, for a time we
talked of my work. Still later, he told me of his forthcoming marriage. It was at this point that I asked, “How long do you expect your
marriage to last?” He replied, “As long as it is working.” Then, he added, “I hope, for a long time.” I, too, hope that his marriage
works and that it is able to last for the rest of his life. His response to my question, however, suggests the theme which I want to
discuss with you now, “What makes a marriage work?”

The thrill of being loved, the excitement of planning a wedding, the encouragement of friends, the strains of Auld lang syne, and the
fragrance of roses--all of these make the future look wonderful indeed to a young person. We have a strong tradition which says; Boy
meets girl, they fall in love, they get married, and they live happily ever after. But how is it in real life? Most of us know that in cases
this is an idealized, romanticized description of marriage. Often, marriages do work beautifully and the couple does live in a high
degree of happiness for the rest of their lives, but sometimes marriages do not lead to happiness ever after. All too often the marriage
which began with such high hopes suffers because of lack of preparation, selfishness, neglect, and the many external stresses which
are inevitable. Somewhere along the way there come lack of communication, misunderstanding, criticism, blame, charge and counter
charge, and ultimately, divorce, or quiet desperation.

Most of us are aware of the statistics which tell us that there is currently one divorce for every three marriages. These statistics are
somewhat deceptive, for they do not necessarily mean that one marriage out of three ends in divorce. Current divorces are coming not
only from marriages of very recent times, but also from a large backlog of marriages begun many years ago. So, even though the real
situation is not as bad as the statistics immediately suggest, there are far too many failures in marriage. We are concerned with
suggesting some of the things that will help to make a marriage work.

Certain Special Problems

Marriages today develop out of a new kind of dating situation. In former times in our semi-rural society when two young persons
began dating, it was likely that their families knew each other. Each family would know something about the background of the other,
and also something about the boy or girl. In our day, this is quite uncommon. Most young people begin their dating out of contacts
made at school, in some work situation, or in an entertainment activity. In many instances not only do the families not know each
other, but even the young people themselves never come to know each other’s families. Obviously, this reduces the chances of
establishing ideal homes.

Also, everything in our modern world moves at a much faster pace than a few years ago. In fact, we often have as many experiences in
a week as our forefathers had in a month, or even in a year. A month may hold as many activities as a year once held. Young people
are old before their time. This rapid pace of living also puts greater stress upon the period of courtship and lessens the likelihood of a
permanent, happy marriage.

More important perhaps than either of these considerations, however, is the fact that young people of today have almost limitless
freedom in their dating. The automobile has such wide range that a couple, within a normal evening date, may travel a hundred miles
in almost any direction from their homes. This means that they are exposed to many additional temptations. Commercialized
entertainment makes strong appeals to our young people and often these entertainments are not very wholesome or helpful.
Significant, too, is the fact that our generation provides almost no supervision for young couples. They are to a very large degree on
their own.

Actually, I am much impressed with the mature way in which many young people handle these pressures and temptations. It is my
judgment that it is at least twice as difficult for young people today to come through the teen years without serious problems as it was
a generation ago, in my own youth. Many young people of today are unusually strong and deserve our special commendation because
of the fine way they face the more difficult age in which they live.

There is another concern to which those who are anticipating marriage should give careful attention. The possibility of pain and
sorrow are greater in the married life than in the single life. For example, only in marriage does one face the possibility of the death of
a marriage partner, and thus the breaking of the most intimate personal relationship in life. Then, there is the possibility of the failure
of affection or love, often a greater sadness than even death. Financial stresses are also greater in marriage. Then, there is the
possibility of nagging and bickering between people who are unwilling to undergo the disciplines of character which successful
marriage requires. Before entering marriage, a person ought to consider these liabilities.
This is not said to encourage people not to enter marriage, but rather to encourage them to he prepared to make the sacrifices and do
the work that is required for a successful marriage. We would also add that the joys and successes that are known in marriage are also
greater than those that can be known in any other relationship in life. These, we confidently believe, make the risks more than worth
taking.

Things Which Hinder

Elton Trueblood in his book, The Common Ventures of Life , points out that mere physical attractiveness will not suffice to make a
marriage work. Witness the fact that the part of our country which is admitted to have the highest concentration of physical beauty,
both male and female, is the part of the country most notorious for marriage failures.” As I read this statement, my mind went back to
the Old Testament statement of Samuel, “Jehovah seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh upon the outward appearance, but Jehovah
looketh on the heart.” (I Sam. 16:7). How easy it is for people today to think of physical attractiveness as the main thing in marriage,
whereas this is not sufficient to make a marriage work.

We also remember the fine statement concerning the ideal woman found in the writings of Solomon, “Grace is deceitful, and beauty
is vain; but a woman that feareth Jehovah, she shall be praised” (Prov. 31:30). There must be a strong moral sense, an unconditional
commitment to God and his principles, if the marriage is to have the foundation that will make it successful. Dr. Thomas B. Warren
has written a book on marriage with this meaningful title: Marriage Is For Those Who Love God--And One Another. How true this is.

Then, there is always the problem of those who bring bad attitudes and bad habits to the marriage. Among the attitudes which tend to
keep a marriage from working are: suspicion ... argumentativeness ... querulousness ... selfishness ... irritability ... vindictiveness ...
accusations. Instead of these negative attitudes and actions one would wisely turn to the positive suggestions of the apostle Paul,
“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are
pure, whatsoever things are lovely whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on
these things.” (Phil. 4:8).

Among the bad habits that can be very disruptive to happy marriage are: addiction to drugs or liquor, reckless spending, slovenness,
irresponsibility, and fickleness. These make it almost impossible for marriage to work in any ideal sense.

William Cowper has written,

The kindest and the happiest pair

Will find occasion to forbear;
And something every day they live,
To pity, and perhaps forgive.

Things Which Help

Just as there are attitudes and habits which hinder a marriage, there are also attitudes and qualities which help to make a marriage
work. Among these I would list the following: Love ... fidelity ... loyalty ... sacrifice ... kindness ... sympathy ... wisdom ... frankness
... fairness ... forbearance ... patience ... steadfastness ... unselfishness ... honesty ... purity ... growth ... mutual interest ... honor ...
respect ... character ... prayer ... and integrity. Obviously, these are the qualities that make for success in any life and in any
relationship of life.

The late Judge Joseph Sabbath of Chicago’s Court of Domestic Appeals, near the end of his long period of service on the bench, gave
the following rules for a successful marriage:

1. Bear and forbear.

2. Work together, and grow up together.
3. Avoid the little quarrels, and the big ones will take care of themselves.
4. Compromise (give and take). It is the anti-toxin of divorce.
5. Practice sympathy, good humor, and mutual understanding.
6. Don,t grouch before breakfast--or after it.
7. Respect your ‘in-laws’ but don’t criticize them or take criticism from them.
8. Establish your own home, even in a one-room flat.
9. Fight for each other, but not with each other.
10. Build your home on religious faith, with love and forgiveness as the watch-word.

In her book, Christian Romance and Marriage, Gertrude Nystrom has this very fine paragraph, “No matter how much one has in the
way of education, wealth, social status, or physique, the basic contribution to the marriage will be his own character and personality.
Beauty may be an asset, but time will cause it to fade. Intellectual attainment is desirable, but a person may be socially intelligent
without formal study. However, emotional maturity is certainly essential to a permanently happy marriage. The ability to get along
with people, the ability to face both routine and crises without becoming upset, the ability to subordinate self-interests for the common
good--these are some of the materials of which a successful marriage is built.”

This, in turn, reminds me of some even more profound words written by the apostle Paul, “‘Love suffereth long and is kind; love
envieth not; love vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not its own, is not provoked, taketh not
account of evil; rejoiceth not in unrighteousness, but rejoiceth with the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things,
endureth all things. Love never faileth ... ” (I Cor. 13:4-8).

This central ingredient in making a marriage work is love among the members of the family. Dr. Bonaro Overstreet has spoken of love
in the simplest possible terms, “We, as people, learn to love each other by the simple relationships of eating together, talking and
listening together, giving, and receiving help, working and playing together, learning together and affirming together.”

Yet another matter of importance is the disposition. In extensive studies among college students, it was found that from ninety-six to
ninety-eight percent of the students rated disposition as extremely important in the selection of a mate. Jesus had more to say about the
sins of the disposition than any other type sin. Obviously those who would make marriage work would work upon their own
dispositions.

Conclusion

Making a marriage work involves give and take, trial and error, love and forgiveness, determination and perseverance, but above all
else it requires putting God and his kingdom first. To be one’s self and to make that self better and more lovable each day should be
the goal of every husband and wife.

In this whole endeavor of making marriage permanently happy and successful, the most fundamental element of all is the living of a
life that is in close relationship to God. When two people are genuine, dedicated Christians, they have the guidelines and incentives
that are necessary to work through any difficult situation and to make their marriage a meaningful one. However, not only is this the
best advice for those who would marry, and those who would make their present marriages work, but it is also the best advice for
every other relationship in life. There is no plan by which men live that pays greater dividends of happiness in this world, as well as in
the next, than Christ’s way of life.

It is in this vein that I would call upon you to be a Christian. Believe in the Lord Jesus Christ as the divine Son of God. Believe it so
deeply that it causes you to turn from the sins of the world and to commit yourselves to the Christian way of thinking and speaking
and living. Confess your faith in Christ before men, as he asks you to do, Then be buried with him in baptism, as the culminating act
in becoming a child of God. Becoming and being a dedicated Christian will do more for each one of us than any other thing that we
can do. Christ will not only help us make our marriages work, but our lives as well.