Celebrities

A. J. BARNES
AARON WAITE
Illustrated by
Avon, Massachusetts

Adfrvmice o Dead

Copyright 2012 by F+W Media, Inc. All rights reserved. This book, or parts thereof, may not be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher exceptions are made for brief excerpts used in published reviews. Published by Adams Media, a division of F+W Media, Inc. 57 Littlefield Street, Avon, MA 02322. U.S.A. www.adamsmedia.com ISBN 10: 1-4405-3002-5 ISBN 13: 978-1-4405-3002-9 eISBN 10: 1-4405-3058-0 eISBN 13: 978-1-4405-3058-6 Printed in the United States of America. 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available from the publisher. This book is available at quantity discounts for bulk purchases. For information, please call 1-800-289-0963.

Advice from Dead Celebrities

A.J. Barnes Illustrated by Aaron Waite Available for purchase from: Amazon Adams Media Barnes and Noble

Advice from Alive Lawyers

The pearls of wisdom on the following pages have not been provided or endorsed by any of the celebrities whose names appear in this bookthough that should be blindingly obvious given that they all have one thing in common: every last one of the people mentioned in this book is dead. Sadly, the deceased have played no part in contributing to this book. Perhaps even sadder, the advice enclosed is exclusively the diseased imagining of the Author, and even he refuses to be held accountable for damages caused by anyone dumb enough to take anything in this book seriously. So while we invite you to sit back and chuckle/gasp in horror/ read aloud to similarly sick-minded individuals, we do have one very real piece of advice for you: Do not try this at home.

Dead Offering Advice

Mama Cass Elliot Julia Child Don Knotts John Lennon Corey Haim Brandon Lee Andrew Koenig Amy Winehouse Karen Carpenter Christopher Marlowe Bruce Lee Gary Coleman Marlon Brando John Ritter Vincent van Gogh Charles M. Schulz Evel Knievel Curly Howard Desi Arnaz Charlton Heston James Dean Bela Lugosi John Candy Burgess Meredith Pat Morita Charlie Chaplin Jayne Mansfield Gloria Stuart 8 10 12 14 16 16 16 17 17 17 18 20 22 24 26 26 26 27 27 27 28 30 32 34 36 38 40 40
5

Natalie Wood Aaron Spelling Ed Wood Stanley Kubrick James Doohan Albert Einstein Lucille Ball Lewis Carroll Clark Gable Michael Crichton Phil Harris J. M. Barrie Chris Benoit Elizabeth Taylor Audrey Hepburn Farrah Fawcett Ted Williams Margaret Mitchell Rocky Marciano Charles Darwin Sigmund Freud Martin Luther King Bea Arthur Marilyn Monroe Judy Garland Anna Nicole Smith Jimmy Stewart Caligula

40 41 41 41 42 44 46 48 48 48 49 49 49 50 52 54 56 56 56 57 57 57 58 60 62 64 66 68

Jesus Marie Curie Julius Caesar Timothy Leary John Hughes Alfred Hitchcock John Belushi Chris Farley Lisa Left Eye Lopes Jeffrey Dahmer Dave Thomas Marvin Gaye Johnny Cash Selena Rodney Dangerfield George Carlin Babe Ruth Andr the Giant Aaliyah Michael Hutchence John Phillips Sylvia Plath Jim Henson Jim Varney Bobby Kennedy John F. Kennedy Ronald Reagan Benjamin Franklin Lee Harvey Oswald Jeff Conaway Emily Bront John Wilkes Booth

68 68 69 69 69 70 72 74 76 76 76 77 77 77 78 80 82 84 86 86 86 87 87 87 88 90 92 94 96 96 96 97

Joan of Arc Thomas Jefferson Princess Diana Richard Nixon Saddam Hussein Theodore Roosevelt Lyndon B. Johnson Jimmy Carter Paul Revere George Washington Amelia Earhart Al Capone Henry VIII Adolf Hitler Sammy Davis, Jr. Boris Karloff Jonathan Brandis Cary Grant J. R. R. Tolkien Pedro Zamora Stieg Larsson Mother Teresa Mahatma Gandhi Sid Vicious Jerry Garcia Buddy Holly Jimmy Hoffa Dr. Kevorkian Andy Kaufman Bob Hope Phil Hartman George Steinbrenner

97 97 98 100 102 104 104 104 105 105 105 106 108 110 112 114 114 114 115 115 115 116 118 120 122 124 126 126 126 127 127 127

Elvis Presley The Notorious B.I.G. Tupac Shakur Kurt Cobain Frank Sinatra Christopher Reeve John Holmes J. Edgar Hoover Orson Welles Michael Landon Grace Kelly Janis Joplin Michael Jackson Osama bin Laden Patrick Swayze Leslie Nielsen Dennis Hopper James Cagney John Wayne Jim Morrison Bob Marley Jimi Hendrix Freddie Mercury Layne Staley Gene Kelly Paul Newman Anthony Perkins DeForest Kelley Roy Scheider James Brown Sonny Bono George Harrison

128 130 132 134 136 138 138 138 139 139 139 140 142 144 144 144 145 145 145 146 148 150 152 154 154 154 155 155 155 156 158 160

Steve Irwin Edward Kennedy Karl Marx Anne Boleyn Randy Macho Man Savage Leonardo da Vinci Anne Frank Mr. Rogers Vincent Price Heath Ledger Bob Ross Edgar Allan Poe Brittany Murphy Linda Lovelace Vivien Leigh Eartha Kitt Zelda Rubinstein Bettie Page Johnny Carson Ed McMahon Walt Disney Billy Mays Rod Serling Ryan Dunn Elizabeth Edwards Abraham Lincoln Joe DiMaggio Gianni Versace Margaret Hamilton William Shakespeare

162 164 164 164 165 165 165 166 168 170 172 174 176 176 176 177 177 177 178 180 182 184 186 188 188 188 189 189 189 190

Mama Cass Elliot

American Singer, Member of The Mamas & The Papas
(September 19, 1941July 29, 1974)

Chew your food thoroughly and carefully.

10

Julia Child
American Chef, Author, Television Personality
(August 15, 1912August 13, 2004)

11

One day, all that butter will catch up to you (Im looking at you, Paula Deen).

12

Don Knotts
American Comic, Actor
(July 21, 1924February 24, 2006)

13

Playing second fiddle will only leave you whistling Dixie.

14

John Lennon
British Musician, Songwriter
(October 9, 1940December 8, 1980)

15

Bros before hoes.

16

Corey Haim
Get lost.

Dont bring a gun to a fake fight.

Brandon Lee

Every boner has a tragic ending.

Andrew Koenig

17

If they try to make you go to rehab, say, Yes, yes, yes.

Amy Winehouse

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Karen Carpenter

Avoid bar brawls and keep your ideas to yourself.

Christopher Marlowe

18

Bruce Lee
Chinese-American Actor, Martial Artist
(November 27, 1940July 20, 1973)

19

The family that works together, dies together.

Advice from Dead Celebrities

A.J. Barnes Illustrated by Aaron Waite Available for purchase from: Amazon Adams Media Barnes and Noble