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One Mans Opinion

Part I
Sometimes when I sit down to write this article I have trouble coming up with a topic. Other times, theres just too many of them. This is one of those times. Rather than telling you all of the options that have been working me, I think Ill just dive right in and see how much I can get in this space. So here goes. The other day I received a check for a small project and took it to the issuing bank; La Banco del la Americanionosity, or something like that. Because I didnt have an account with them, they wanted a thumbprint, a recent picture, seven types of ID, a mouth swab, a retina scan, four strands of hair WITH the root attached, four personal references and a note from my mother. Once I provided all of that (I came prepared) THEN they charged me a $6.00 fee. Since the check was only for $100.00, I complained that the fee was 6%. I was told that even if the check was for $50.00 or $25.00; the fee would still be $6.00. Me being me, I asked, what if the check was for $5.00?..................Wait for it....Wait for it.... Yes, they would cash it, but I would OWE them $1.00. Sadly thats not the end of the story. I was cheerfully told, that if I used that $100.00 check to open an account and put $25.00 with it to make the initial deposit $125.00, they would GIVE me $25.00 making my total deposit $150.00. Go figure. I guess they must have too many of those $6.00 fees laying around, so theyre giving them away. Wait, Im not finished yet. Just before leaving I asked, if I open a Savings Account with $100.00 at the current interest rate 0f 0.00001 +01%; how long would it be before I earned $6.00? The teller wasnt sure, but gave me her best guess, that my great-great grandson could probably claim my $6.00 in interest, right before he retired.

Part II
Saturday night, I got stopped by our friendly men in blue. It seems, that once I went from one club to the other, I parked for a few minutes to make some notes to myself (getting old, have to write things down) I kept the engine running to keep the windows clear, but turned my headlights off. When I left a few minutes later, I was pulled over after a couple of blocks. No Headlights. After giving him my license and him going back to his patrol car he started doing whatever they do back there. I always figured they ran a check for any wants and warrants, but I got to thinking, since they have the most sophisticated computers outside of NASA in those patrol cars, they probably check your credit report, your work record, your church attendance, your FBI file, your last 10 years income tax statement, your elementary school Permanent Record and Santas Naughty or Nice List. Since I must have come up clean, (Thanks Santa), he came back and gave me my license AND a ticket. My question is, was a ticket Really necessary? How about, I see youve been nice, Mr. Gilliard, just turn on your lights and be safe...I guess not, guess Ill just pay the ticket. Just, One Mans Opinion. Live Long and Prosper

Ronald A. Gilliard, Publisher

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A young man dies and goes to Heaven, where he finds he is third in line at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is taking a much-needed break, so an angel is admitting the newly arrived to Heaven. The angel tells the three new arrivals that because so many drug dealers and other criminals have managed to sneak into Heaven that St. Peter must now be a little stricter with the screening process. Each person is required to state his former occupation and tell his or her yearly salary. The first man in line says, I was an actor, and I earned $1 million last year. The angel says, Okay, you may enter. He turns to the woman in line and asks her about her life. She states, I earned $150,000 as an attorney. The angel thinks for a moment and then lets her in, too. He turns to the third one in line and asks, What have you done with your life? The man replies, I earned $8,000 last year . . . Oh, the angel interrupts. What did you teach?

Laughs
A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that." The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?" The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

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Things to Say When Caught Sleeping at Work
- "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." - "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to." - "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!" - "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." - "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." - "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?" - "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." - "The coffee machine is broken." - "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot." - "... in Jesus' name. Amen."

So the guy goes in to his barber. He's all excited, and says, "I'm going to go to Rome. I'm flying on Alitalia and staying at the Rome Hilton, and I'm going to see the Pope!" The barber says, "Ha! Alitalia is a terrible airline, the Rome Hilton is a dump, and when you see the Pope, you'll probably be standing in back of about ten thousand people." So the guy goes to Rome. When he comes back and the barber says, "How was it?" "Great," he says. "Alitalia was wonderful airline. The hotel was great. And I got to meet the Pope!" "You met the Pope?" asked the barber. "I bent down to kiss the Pope's ring." "And what did he say?" "He said, 'Where did you get that crummy haircut?'"

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After directory assistance gave me As a new school principal, Mr. my boyfriend's new telephone num- Mitchell was checking over his ber, I dialed him -- and got a school on the first day. woman. Passing the stockroom, he was star"Is Mike there?" I asked. tled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carry"He's in the shower," she reing off books and supplies in prepasponded. ration for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had "Please tell him his girlfriend been a Principal the previous year called," I said and hung up. had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at When he didn't return the call, I di- Fort Knox. aled again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said. Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think "You're not my boyfriend!" I exit's wise to keep the stock room claimed. unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?" "I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for The Custodian looked at him the past half-hour." gravely... "We trust them with the children, don't we?"

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Murphy's Law - The Tech Version
* All great discoveries are made by mistake. * Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure. * Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. * All's well that ends. * A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. * A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make. * Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. * After all is said and done, a heck of a lot more is said than done.

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