Sunday Tribune
2 TribuneReview
DAVID KENNY’S ERINDIPITY
No 6: Worst excuse for
dinner being late
DEAR reader,
You are cordially invited to
‘Erindipity’s Ultimate Christmas
Dinner’ on 30 December, 2007. We
would have sent this sooner but the
cat ate the postman and ... we, er, this,
kind of ... got lost?
We apologise. That was the Third
Worst Excuse for Dinner Being Late.
The Second Worst Excuse is that
John Boyne took over the Review
section last week and we were all
given the weekend off, so that’s why
our Christmas dinner is late.
Please join us now for our festive
miscellany, which uses only the most
outstanding ingredients. (We’ve
written about some of these before,
but they’re worth reheating.) For
starters, may we offer you a seafood
salad containing the world’s...
Most confused prawn
In February 2007 a giant Japanese
Tiger Prawn was found in the nets of
a west Cork fishing boat. The
shellfish is normally found in the
Pacific Ocean and its presence here
prompted fears of an invasion, which
so far hasn’t materialised.
A spokesperson for the
Department of the Marine said they
believed the ‘prawn star’ (as the
saucy Irish Times called it) is not right
in the head and simply decided to go
‘swimabout’.
“The prawn’s crackers,” the official
said. Actually, that’s a really lousy
joke so we’ll have another go at it.
“The prawn’s Christmas crackers,”
the official said. Nope, that’s even
worse, so we’ll move on to the soup
course which features the...
Best soup for killing you
Sorry, but you’ll have to wait until
after dessert for this. This will make
sense later, so let’s speed along to Co
Cavan for the turkey course which
will be served in the...
Best place for Christmas dinner if
you’re in a hurry
Cootehill is the home of the
exceptional Vincent Pilkington. On 17
November 1980, Vincent became the
fastest turkey plucker on the planet
when he stripped a 16lb bird in one
minute and 30 seconds. Vincent
became something of a superstar in
Co Cavan after his feat was televised
by RTÉ. Yes, well, apart from The
Angelus and re-runs of Mannix, there
wasn’t much else on the telly back in
the ’80s.
Plucky Vincent officially
defeathered his last turkey in
Bailieboro in December 2005. At the
time of his retirement he could still
handle an average of 16 birds an hour,
making him the Jack Nicholson of the
poultry world. Speaking of hams, how
about a portion of the...
Most well-informed pigs
On New Year’s Day 2003 new EU
directives were introduced to keep
our pigs happy.
Pig boredom is a serious issue for
farmers as they are intelligent
creatures and need entertainment, or
else they get aggressive and surly
(that’s the pigs we’re talking about).
The rules named specific
materials, including novelty items
(footballs etc) to keep the porkers
occupied. That February The
Corkman newspaper revealed that a
farm in Dromcummer had the
happiest and most erudite pigs in
Ireland. It said the Lehane family’s
pigs’ contentment was down to... The
Corkman. They loved nothing more
than getting stuck into a copy of the
periodical. It even published a picture
of four pigs browsing the front page
and, unbelievable as this may sound,
they really did look like they were
reading it.
Three of them did, at any rate, one
of them may have been probing some
poo.
The Corkman is such a hit with the
pigs that their neighbours bring it up
to the farm by the car load. The pigs,
for their part, have ensured that
there’s nothing but crap in the papers
these days.
Back to the menu. Would you like
some spuds with your ham? How
about the...
First spuds in Ireland
These were planted in Youghal by Sir
Walter Raleigh in 1585. Youghal, by
the way, is the only Irish place name
with an American accent. This is
because when Walter left America
with his spuds and tobacco, the
Indians said: “Youghal come back
now, yuh heah?”
Actually that’s not true. They were
glad to see him go.
By the by the way, did you know
that ‘Munster Plums’ are, in fact,
potatoes?
No? Neither did we. We thought
southern plums were something you
got from sitting in the saddle too long.
Care for a helping from the...
Biggest plate of veggies
In April of this year Harry Crowley
from Walkinstown grew a record-
breaking carrot which was an
astonishing three feet long. (Insert
Carry On-style gag here, please.)
His parsnips are monsters too, with
one reaching a length of 10ft 7ins.
A Man Called
Horseradish:
Harry with
his monster
carrot
Harry will also be remembered for
setting the least-attempted of all
gardening records – growing the
Longest Horseradish in the World. It
measured 10ft 4ins – enough to make
a bucket of sauce to go with your dins.
In 2005, ‘A Man Called
Horseradish’ likened gardening to
studying electricity. “It is colossal,
and you have to know a lot of theory,”
he said, omitting to mention that
nobody has ever been electrocuted by
a garden vegetable.
Now for a glass of wine from
Ireland’s...
Most northerly vineyard
You probably knew that Ireland has a
couple of vineyards. You didn’t? Well
‘Erindipity Rides
bad news – Global warming is here
Again’ (Mentor, ¤15)
and WE’RE ALL DOOMED. Ireland
has just hit the
bookshelvesis an official EU wine-producing
country and the majority of our few
vineyards are located in ‘lush’
dkenny@tribune.ie Munster. Here’s a few: the West
www.davekenny.com Waterford vineyards, the Blackwater
30/12/07
Valley and Longueville House
vineyards and the Thomas Walk
vineyard in Kinsale.
Our Most Northerly Vineyard is
located in Swords, Co Dublin and is
owned by horticulturist, David
Llewellyn. It’s named Fruit of the
Vine and does a nice little pinot noir.
(See? The northside isn’t all Buckfast
and cider.)
Room for dessert? Have a slice of
cake. It’s not traditional Christmas
cake, but it is the...
Biggest cake ever
The largest cake ever baked in
Ireland weighed 190lbs and was made
to celebrate Dublin’s 1988 millennium
at the Mansion House. Like other
occupants of that gaff, it was nutty
and fruity, but it wasn’t half-baked
(Royston Brady where are you?) and
was eventually thrown out in 1991.
If you don’t want cake you might
try some of the...
Largest amount of ice cream lost
at sea
Which was the 1,750 quarts of French
ice cream aboard the Titanic.
Unfortunately you’ll need to supply
your own wetsuit.
And finally we get to the soup
course and the...
Worst excuse for dinner being late
Dubliner, Brigadier General John
Nicholson (1822-1857), was an utter
bastard. This was especially true in
India, where he was renowned for his
foul temper. Remarkably, he inspired
a short-lived cult there, despite the
fact that he couldn’t stand his
devotees and had some of them jailed
and flogged.
Like we said: utter bastard.
During the ‘Indian Mutiny’ of 1857
he displayed a particularly ruthless
way of dealing with truculent kitchen
staff. Having been told that the native
regimental chefs had poisoned the
company’s soup, Nicholson ordered
that they be forced to sample it first.
When they refused, he force-fed it to
a monkey which, promptly, croaked.
Later, the General marched into the
mess tent and coughed to attract the
officers’ attention.
“I am sorry, gentlemen, to have
kept you waiting for your dinner,” he
said nonchalantly, “but I have been
hanging your cooks.”
It remains The Worst Excuse Ever
for Dinner Being Late. (It’s even
worse than blaming John Boyne for
hogging the Review section.)
And on that charming note, we
would like to assure you that no
turkeys, pigs, monkeys or chefs were
harmed in the writing of this piece.
They, like the Erindipity family,
wish you a peaceful new year.