Silent Retreat Rev.

Kendra Diehl 4/7/11 - 4/9/11 #1960 Reflection A Dark and Unpleasant Night

Luke Allison #4426

The philosopher Blaise Pascal once said: All of mans misfortunes come from one thing, which is not knowing how to sit quietly in a room. After my experience at Pacem in Teris, I think that Im beginning to agree with him. The week leading up to our silent retreat was hectic, busy, full of distractions, problems, conflicts, and stress. In the back of my mind I felt a sense of calm that I would be getting away from it, but also a feeling of panic. Ive spent lots of time alone, after all, but very little time alone with nothing but Gods Word and His Presence. Usually, I have the mental noise of fiction, the clarifying meaning of a theological text, or the emotional soundtrack of music providing a foundation of sorts for my solitude. These types of pursuits stand in place of companionship. Simply put, I create community for myself when I dont have people around to share in it. Very rarely do I truly stand in Gods Presence in an unfiltered fashion. The moment the door closed and the staff member walked away from me, I was absolutely overcome by the peace of the moment. It was so quiet. I pulled out my Bible, began to read Psalms, and dug into the hermit basket of food like I was starving. After a while I decided it would be a good idea to take my Bible down to the lake and sit for a while, so I made the short trek down to the boardwalk and enjoyed the beautiful day. I literally spent the next three hours or so just relaxing, reading occasionally, talking to God, and trying to be silent. My brain was spinning, with many different should could and would statements fighting for attention. The experience is hard to explain, except that I kept coming up against a large barrier wherein my mind kept telling

me that I was talking to myself. I wanted this time to be significant, memorable, lifechanging, and I felt like was basically just relaxing and calling it hanging out with God. By the time dinner arrived, I had convinced myself that I needed to be doing something different. I attended dinner, halfheartedly engaging in conversation, and then walked around some more, feeling more restless the darker it got outside. Eventually I wound up lying on my back out in the middle of the field, staring up at the stars, praying and singing with all my heart in a way that I havent ever really done. I went to bed feeling somewhat peaceful, but a little bit reserved about the long day on Friday. During the night, I had violent dreams of battle and conflict, which I would assume were exactly what was going on around me and in me. I couldnt put my finger on what God was trying to show me, but I knew that the next day was going to be difficult and potentially life-altering for me. When I woke up that morning, I went and spent more time by the lake, pondering the Word, particularly the book of John and the Proverbs. To be honest, I began to experience what could only be described as existential doubt. I began to have all kinds of feelings flood into me, thoughts that none of this was real, that this was all a bunch of emotional hype for weak-minded people, etc. I dont know where they came from, but I suspect that this kind of thinking had been lodging in my mind for quite some time, disguised and masked by noise and information. I had never had to confront the doubts because I had done a good job of covering them up and silencing them. That was impossible at Pacem, and so I was forced to deal with them. The day is kind of a blur to me. I walked a lot, prayed a lot, felt slightly lightheaded and disoriented, and took a long nap in the middle of the field in the sun. When

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dinner came around again, I found myself beginning to feel twinges of fear and even stronger doubt. If last night was difficult, I knew that tonight was going to be one of the most challenging experiences of my life. Dinner was a somewhat muted affair. I didnt feel very hungry to begin with, and I had this clear sensation that I needed to be alone and let God do what He was going to do. I needed to confront the unconfrontable and experience what He had called me to this retreat for. And so I walked into my cabin around 8 oclock with a nauseous feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing that it was all going to come out tonight. Literally the moment night fell, I began to feel sick to my stomach, terrified, and despairing. All the doubts I had been fighting off all day came crashing down on my spirit, and I became acutely aware of how meaningless my entire life would be if the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob were not real. How worthless all of my plans and hopes were if Jesus Christ were not alive. I began to rebuke the enemy, quoting what Scripture I knew to combat these feelings, but nothing seemed to help. I even attempted to exercise, thinking that maybe the two days of relative inaction was getting to me. But that did nothing besides make me more anxious. I rushed outside, sobbing and feeling twinges of suicidal tendencies (something very familiar from my pre-Christian days), and ran down the path in the dark out to the field, where I threw myself down on the ground and gasped for breath. This sounds dramatic, but in the moment it was painfully, powerfully real. I lay there, crying out to God, trying to figure out what kind of roots these feelings had. I began to read Psalms by flashlight, trying to do what I believed was the right thing in the midst of this, and suddenly I got a very clear thought.

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I began to say, calmly: Jesus Christ died on the Cross for my sins. Jesus Christ died on the Cross for my sins. I repeated it over and over, preaching to myself, and asserting to the world around me the unifying truth of reality. Within moments the pit in my stomach began to dissipate, and another clear, unfiltered thought rushed into my head: something I needed to confess to my wife that had been sitting unattended to for some time. I stood up quickly and ran back to the cabin, grabbed my phone, and called Krista. When she I answered, I immediately let all the pent-up emotions out in a rush, confessing everything I needed to tell her, and letting her know that it was God who was making me feel this way. She took it remarkably well, and we prayed together, cried together, and experienced a deeper level of connection than we have in a while. Then I got undressed and slept deeply. When I woke up, I felt like I had been scooped out and rearranged. I wasnt anxious anymore, but I wasnt feeling exceptionally great either. Something had been revealed to me the night before: I wasnt nearly as strong and self-reliant as I thought I was. My understanding of God wasnt anywhere close, and He had shocked me with His absolute commitment to my spiritual health. In the face of His Holy Presence, I was melted down to an unformed blob of jelly and built back up into a childlike state. I left Pacem feeling incredibly confident in God, and incredibly despairing of myself. Whether this the right place to be, I dont know, but it has led to more and more personal reflection and repentance in the last weeks. I believe that God wanted me to know how terrifyingly powerful He is, how absolutely committed to my well-being He is, and how little I truly know in the face of

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His perfect wisdom. Ive known for a long time that He loves me, but I didnt realize until Pacem how fierce His love can be. There is nothing passive or impotent about His grace and His mercy. They are active, piercing into our being and separating bone from marrow. I knew this intellectually before the weekend, but I didnt know it intimately. My life will never be the same, and Im happy for that. I know that I will go through moments of doubt and fear again (the Psalms wouldnt exist if this wasnt a natural part of life), but I now understand a little more of what He has in mind for me: my holiness. I have been predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, and I dont believe He will relent in His progress with me. He wants it all, and He is very jealous for my heart. How frequently have I put other idols before Him? How frequently have I given my love and affection over to dead figures of wood and stone and sex and feeling? How much greater is He than anything I could worship? I believe Im only seeing the tip of the iceberg in regards to His person, but I know I am on a journey that will lead me deeper and deeper into its depths. That is exactly where I want to be. I hope and pray that I will get the opportunity to practice the discipline of solitude more and more in the future, and I will commit to giving Him this kind of time at least once ever two months going forward. My wife has also expressed interest in doing this kind of thing, since she has been in need of a spiritual detox as well. I thank MI for the opportunity, and for being obedient to what God has commanded them in getting busy students into solitude. It is necessary, and it is life-changing.

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