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You may be married with children of your own, but a brother's teasing or a sister's criticism can still make you regress into a helpless, frustrated child all over again .., Bonnie Vaughan discovers that the painful memories of sibling rivalry run deep,

ALK TO ANYONE

BEST FRIEND, COLLEAGUE,

the stranger beside you on the bus - and chances are they'll have a sibling story. lt could be a good story, a bad story, a tragedy or a fairytale, but everyone has one. This goes for only children too - your mum or dad

or partner has sisters and brothers and, in one way or another, their sibling story has woven its way into yours. Research shows that our siblings have a profound influence on how our characters develop. ln fact, the relationships we have with our brothers and sisters can steer us towards the kinds of mothers, spouses, friends, bosses, employees and all-round citizens we become. Think about it. Just like our parents, our siblings have been in our lives since day one. And we know them just as completely - their smiles, their voices, the way they walk, even the noises they make when they chew. No-one can make us laugh harder or drive us more crazy, make us feel more loved and protected, or more worthless and insecure. Whether we like it or not, our brothers and sisters are as indelibly linked to our childhood memories as the house we grew up in or the family dog. Until recently, the importance of the sibling bond has been greatly underrated. Since psychoanalysis was born, experts have focused on parents, genetics and peers as the prlme suspects for who or what was responsible for children's early development. lt's only in the past decade or so that sibling studies began to gain serious traction, with ongoing research in the UK, US and Australia revealing the myriad, and often surprising, ways these relationships impact on us all - from teaching us the basics of social skills to influencing our sense of self. It's through our siblings that we learn to assert and
defend ourselves, to make and keep friendships, to plan strategies and to share. As US psychology writer Marian Sandmaier says in her book Original Kin: The Search for Connection Among Adult Sisters and Brothers, "A sibling

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may be the sole keeper of one's core identity, the only person with keys to one's unfettered, more fundamental self." Still, most of us feel that we have very little in common with our siblings. We share the same parents and maybe shared
a bedroom once, but the similarities end there. This feeling, as it happens, is where

typical. Sharing the same parents doesn't

guarantee shared looks, personalities or temperaments. Professor David Hay from the School of Psychology and Speech Pathology at Curtin University in WA, who specialises in the study of twins, goes one further. "Kids who were born in separate families and never met each other may be more similar than those who grew up

technique. As children, we're in direct

competition for our parents'affection

we simply must stand up and be noticed. "ln our individualistic society, it's about making our own mark in the world,,,says Jenny Boldero, Associate Professor in Psychological Sciences at the University of Melbourne. "lt's about saying, 'This is me'.,, So if one sibling identifies strongly with Dad, the other.will align with Mum. lf one's naughty, the other's nice; if one's aggressive, the other's passive. "you want to see yourself as being different from your brother and sister," Professor Hay says. ',lt,s how you assert your identity." And thus the
seeds of your personality are sown.

the whole sibling dynamic begins.

CHALK AND CHEESE

For as long as I can remember, I knew I was nothing like my sister. Born two years after her, I was blonde with green eyes and fair skin; her eyes and hair were dark brown and she had an olive complexion. She was

outgoing, outspoken, bold and bossy; I was shy, sensitive and terrified of just about everything that moved. She was Daddy's girl; I was Mummy's. And our mother's peculiar insistence on dressing us in matching outfits and cutting our hair in exactly the same style until we were practically teenagers did nothing to alter the fact that we were, and always would be, night and day, chalk and cheese. For the Iongest time, I thought my sibling story was unusual and possibly even unique, but I was wrong. lt's textbook-

together in the same house," he says. Let's break down the ingredients. Science tells us that two siblings have roughly a 50-50 chance of inheriting equal parts of their parents' genetic predispositions - and the likelihood of having the same hair and eye colour or complexion is much lower than that. Next, factor in environmental influences "There are two different types," Professor Hay explains. "First, those which make kids the same - such as growing up in the same house with the same parents and having a similar upbringing - and second, those which make kids different from each other, such as age, gender and parents' perceptions." Add to this a dash of primal instinct.
We teach ourselves to be different from our siblings; effectively, it's a survival

STIFF CON,lPETITION
Sibling rivalry is unavoidable - in fact, it's as natural as learning to speak. According

to research, rivalry is most intense between

siblings who are close in age, or of the same gender. And, of course, there are degrees. Extreme, prolonged sibling rivalry is usually caused by an imbalance in the family unit as a whole, and can be psychologically lethal. But children benefit from milder forms. Through play, arguments, secrets and betrayals, we learn such basic p.

Kathy Lette
lf it weren't for her three sisters, Kathy Lette might never have developed the self-assurance or the female-friendly wit and wisdom that made her the celebrity novelist and playwright she is today. "Growing up with three fabulous sisters and a feisty, fiercely intellectual J mother means that I connect with women effortlessly," says Kathy, 52. Having Jenny,53,Liz,47, and Cara, 44, around also prevented Kathy from developing a monster ego after her runaway success at only lS with her debut novel, Puberty Blues. "Being surrounded by earthy, funny females means that you can never take yourself too seriously," she says. ,.Sisters won,t allow you to take a pretension pill." Not even to this day, she says. "On my 50th birthday, my sisters and parents took me down the coast for the weekend. When I came back from the beach, they,d all dressed up as me in leopard-skin minis and red wigs and vertiginous high heels - and then they sat around punning.,, Kathy and her sisters had their tense moments as teenagers, of

course, but they always retained a united front. ,,We have always been very loyal to each other," she says. ',ln fact, as you get older, any personality differences mellow, I find. My relationship with my sisters gets richer and stronger. No matter what happens to me in the big, bad world, I know I will always have those loving arms to fall back into. As do they.,'

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Kathy (far left), with her sisters (from left) Liz, Jenny and Cara.

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life skills as how to negotiate and resolve conflicts, and how to relate to others. Our ability to cope with a fight over who gets to use the red crayon, for instance, is like a dress rehearsal for how we'll navigate our way through school, work, marriage and may even provide an early clue to our future vocation. "These situations influence how you learn to interact with the world," Professor Boldero says. "Your strengths are set up in your early relationships, and
so are your vulnerabilities."

at trying to keep the treatment equal, but there is going to be one child in the family who is more favoured than the others." Or certainly one child who perceives it that way. When I was clearing out my

the same house, slept in the same room, ate at the same table, went on the same holidays, shared the same Christmases and Easters, and yet our interpretations of the past are so wildly at odds?
It turns out that this is yet another textbook syndrome. Two siblings, the

mother's home after she passed away few years ago, I came across a pile of correspondence between her and my sister, bound by a pink ribbon, which dated
a

And your jealousies. lt's in our DNA to jostle for position and compete for our parents'affection. An equally human trait
is parental favouritism among siblings. lt

back some 30 years. As I leafed through it, I found a letter in which my sister brought up some of her issues from the past, the most striking of which was her resolute belief that I was the favoured child and

experts say, only seem to have the exact same environment. Even if their worlds were identlcal, each child's view of that

world is unique. "One of the interesting things about

human beings," Professor Boldero says, "is

could be that one child is funnier, prettier, more athletic or academic; or it could be gender-specific. lt may not be deliberate, but it happens and it affects a child's selfimage. "Regardless of what anybody says," Professor Boldero insists, "parents don't love all their children equally. Most are probably pretty good at mitigating that,

that, attention- and appreciation-wise, she qot the short end of the stick. I was, to put it mildly, gobsmacked. Her
perception is the polar opposite of mine. As the shy, quiet one, I grew up feeling pushed aside, slightly overlooked and taken for granted, longing to bask in the limelight that always seemed to shine on my more demanding and outgoing sister. How is it possible, I wondered, that we grew up in

that you can have a shared experience and see it in totally different ways."
Our awareness of where we rank - or

think we rank - on the family-status scale starts early. We begin to compare ourselves to our siblings, and detect our mother's interaction with them, from around the tender age of one. And as we grow, it

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Jessica Rowe
TV news presenter Jessica Rowe had no ordinary childhood. Her mother,
Penny, suffered from bipolar disorder

got married and had kids first out of all of us so, in a funny way, she's been looking after both me and Claudia, which has been quite interesting. I feel lucky that we have this very special, close relationship. I can't imagine my life without my
sisters and I feel incredibly blessed to have daughters of my own and to know that they have each other too."

and spent months at a time in hospital away from Jessica and her two younger sisters. Jessica has no doubt that this paved the way for the person she has become.

Jessica

(right), with her sisters,

"l felt it was very much my job to

keep us together as a family, to look after them and to be the cheerful optimistic one," says 4O-year-old Jessica. "And I do look on the bright side still. When challenges have come my way as an adult, the strength that I got as a young person has

Claudia and Harliet.

held me in great stead. I've been able to draw on the resilience I developed from an early age." Jessica remains extremely close to her sisters, Harriet, 39, and Claudia, 35. "They're my dear friends," she says. "We've been through so much together. Sometimes illness can be very destructive for families and tear them apart. But it was the opposite in our case." Although she sometimes still feels like she's responsible for her sisters, Jessica admits to a slight role reversal. "Harriet

uncles, even our parents'friends. We hear

their remarks on who's taller, shorter,

smarter, funnier, shyer, heavier, thinner, better looking, more talented, naughtier or more obedient. "lt drives a wedge between children," Professor Hay warns. Plus, if we're on the less flattering end of those attributes, we may spend a lifetime struggling to live them down or to prove them wrong. Perhaps we'll try to emulate or compete with our sibling. Then again, we might also be inspired to stand out at something else. For example, if our sibling brings home all the medals for swimming, then we'll start winning prizes in art.

again and again, until it becomes part of us, something we do without thinking." lndeed, our childhood behaviour can become an adult habit. But it goes both ways. Hands up those of You who are unwillingly recast in those roles no matter how much you feel you've moved on. Even though you're sailing Into middle age with a family of your own, you're still tagged as

But they can be healed - just like in a marriage, where petty rivalries and grudges of the past can be overcome if both parties are willing. "Take things out, have a good
look and try to understand why we are doing the particular things we're doing," Professor Boldero says. "What are the cues that trigger these behaviours? Then try to break those associations. Don't engaqe in the old pattern of behaving, but learn a new one." A recent survey of adults conducted by Relationships Australia found that the relationship most people wanted to improve was the one with their siblings. lt's not too

I4AKING SENSE OF OUR ROLES

It's easy to see how the role we played in our own families spills over into our adult lives and continues to define us. ln her 2007 book, My Dearest EnemY, MY Dangerous Friend: Making and Breaking
Si bl ing

the quiet one, the lazy one, the hopeless troublemaker or the condescending prude. A brother's teasing or a sister's criticism can make you instantly regress into a helpless, frustrated child all over again. These old patterns can cause pain and friction among siblings and make special family gatherings trickier to navigate than a loaded paintball paddock. And while family trauma can bring siblings closer together, it's equally likely they'll cause long-simmering resentments to explode
like a dessert by chef Heston Blumenthal. Statistics tell us that the most common reason adult siblings turn against each other is over money and property issues, especially following the death of a parent. Such conflicts aren't as easy to resolve as who gets to use the red crayon. They were hatched long ago - the wounds run deep and they're hard to heal.

hard to guess why. Our children grow up, many of our friends drift away, some of us go through a divorce, our parents become ill and ultimately leave us. "There are stages in our lives where the whole notion of what family means and valuing family connections becomes more important," says Anne Hollonds, of Relationships Australia. Our siblings can help us to make sense of our own lives and put the past

Bonds, Australian psychologist Dorothy Rowe writes, "We might use our position in the family to our advantage. We also learn ways of gaining attention or affection or admiration. We might become the drama queen, or the one who cossets the others, or the one with the greatest derring-do. When a ploy works, we use it

into perspective. We have a bond wlth them like no other and, for better or worse, they helped make us who we are. Our relationships with them may be complicated, but they have all the potential in the world to be the most rewarding too.

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