1x07 Grandma Was a Rolling Stone

Directed by David Trainer Airdate: November 12, 1993 TRANSCRIBED BY BRYCE D. MAYROSE

(CORY and SHAWN are in the backyard, collecting snails) ALAN CORY Hey, guys. Hmm, collecting snails? Yeah, Mr. Feeny said we could take em off his flowers and use em for bait for when we all go fishing Sunday. Fish dont eat snails. (chuckles) Gee, I guess I was mistaken. Well, whenever you guys get ready, the bass master here is all set to pass on to the younger generation some of the finer points of spin casting. Manipulating young and impressionable minds. I hope youre proud of yourself, Mr. Feeny. Indeed I am, Mr. Matthews. Come on, guys. Now, the main thing to remember is that basically, its a simple flick of the wrist. You open the bail, hold the line with your finger, and then its two o clock, ten o clock; two o clock, ten o clock; two o clock, ten o clock Kind of a quarter after three thing you got going on there, Dad, huh? May a, ah, fellow angler try his luck? Be my guest, George. (mutters, casts perfectly into a bucket) Its like getting back on a bicycle. One never forgets. Mr. Feeny, you fish? Oh, sure, Im an old bass hog from way back. Ill never forget that September morn. 1956. I was after smallmouth bass on the Louisiana delta. Sounds fascinating, George. Spanish moss hanging down, and the cypress knees jutting up through the brackish water of the bayou Sounds fascinating, George. Dad, how come Erics not coming with us this year?

ALAN FEENY ALAN

CORY

FEENY ALAN

CORY FEENY ALAN FEENY

CORY FEENY

ALAN FEENY

ALAN CORY

ALAN

Well, your brothers discovered girls. He cant sit still. When youre Erics age and you cant sit still, Ill take Morgan. Its the endless cycle of fishing. And what about after Morgan? Well, then, Ill just be some guy in a fishing hat with a lot of boring stories. Did you just scare yourself, Dad? Oh, yes, I think I did.

CORY ALAN CORY ALAN

(SCENE CHANGE) (MORGAN and ERIC are in the living room) MORGAN ERIC AMY ERIC MORGAN ERIC MORGAN AMY ERIC AMY ERIC AMY ERIC Hi, Im Morgan, and this is my brother, Eric. Hes very shy. Ha ha ha, good girl! Eric, what are you teaching her? Nothing. Im gonna help Eric meet girls. No, you dont. She doesnt. You dont. My brother thinks you are so cute. Aww (laughs) So this is why youve been taking her to the mall. Well, I think its great. You do? Mm-hmm. Ha ha ha! I think its a perfect way for you and your sister to spend quality time together. Well, you know, some guys use a golden retriever; I figure, why not use the Weasel here?

(horn honks, plays La Cucaracha) ERIC MORGAN ALAN GRANDMA Its Grandma! Hey, its Grandma! Yeah, its Grandma. OK, open up a lane, Im coming through. I been sitting on my keister for ten hours in that Winnebago. I need some stretchin room. Hey! Grandma! Grandma!

MORGAN

GRANDMA GRANDMA / MORGAN GRANDMA MORGAN GRANDMA MORGAN GRANDMA

Hey! Wheres my present?

I thought this year maybe you were gonna buy me one. Nuh-uh. Youre the grandma. I am? Oh. Well, in that case, oh, oh, what have we here? A dolly! (laughs) Well, it s a shrunken head. Not a real one. They dont sell real ones in Tijuana. Not for a buck. Thats a cool bullwhip, Grandma. Oh, yeah, and its yours. I had the wagon master to go with it, but he slipped out of the cuffs in Juarez. (to AMY) I know, I know, I didnt call. You never do, Grandma.

ERIC GRANDMA

AMY

GRANDMA

Well, its not my style. Hey, I got something for you, too. Yeah dried cactus. Its from Albuquerque. An old Navajo tradition. Keeps you regular as a diesel. Well, thanks for preparing us for middle age, Mom. Well think of you several times a day. So, what brings you to our neck of the woods? Did your convoy swing through? Yeah, yeah, we made a killing in bingo country, so now were heading out to Palm Springs to buy ourselves some new butts. (enters) Grandma! Kiddo! Finally decided to show your face, huh? Whatd they do, let you out of detention early? Yeah, well, I heard La Cucaracha from all the way down at the park. How long are you staying? Ah, just the weekend. Speaking of which, hey, you two kids, cancel all your plans for Saturday, cause, Morgan, you and I are gonna go shopping. We are gonna buy so many new clothes you wont know what to do with them all. Ill wear them, then Ill throw then on the floor. Why not? And then, I thought wed take in the auto show. I hear they got some pretty hot babes sittin on the hoods of those hot rods.

ALAN

AMY GRANDMA

CORY GRANDMA

CORY

GRANDMA

MORGAN GRANDMA

ERIC GRANDMA

Theres something I might enjoy. (laughs) And Sunday, kiddo, you and I we are gonna go get this baseball card signed by the guy in the picture. Cal Ripken? (screaming) This is Cal Ripkens rookie card! Howd you get this? Howd I get it? I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, and then I pried that out of his cold, dead fingers. Or, I bought it for seven bucks at a swap meet. You make the call. And were gonna get him to sign it? Well, how would you like that? What, are you new?

CORY GRANDMA

CORY GRANDMA CORY

(TIME CHANGE) (ERIC and GRANDMA walk in, coming from the auto show) GRANDMA Oh, man, that was the best auto show ever. They had Bernie Cappelle and Jamie Farr right up there on the same stage. Where else you gonna get that? Hey, Cor, check it out. I had the Lamborghini girl sign my arm. Lamborghini girl? Eric, how can you even compare the Lamborghini girl to Cal Ripken? Has the Lamborghini girl played nineteen hundred straight games? Well, no, but has Cal Ripken ever posed for the Victorias Secret catalog? Eric, I feel were growing apart. I told her maybe we could take a drive once I get my license. She laughed, but it was a flirty laugh. Grazie, La Tertiana. I think shes French. (exits to kitchen) Boy, Im bushed. What with chasin your sister in and out of dressing rooms, and chasing your brother away from those bikini models dressing rooms, these dogs are barkin. Youre not too tired for tomorrow, are you? Are you kidding, you and me? I wouldnt mss that for the world.

ERIC CORY

ERIC CORY ERIC

GRANDMA

CORY GRANDMA

(SCENE CHANGE) (ERIC is entering the kitchen from the living room; FEENY knocks on the door) FEENY ERIC Mr. Matthews, just the man I wanted to see. Mr. Feeny.

FEENY

Let me ask you: if one were entertaining a young woman a young girl your age um, how would he go about it? Mr. Feeny, you datin a teenage girl? Not since the Eisenhower administration. No, my niece is visiting for a few days; shes your age, shell need to be entertained, and I thought that maybe you could help me out. Look, I would love to meet your niece, Mr. Feeny, but, see, I got this really bad case of strep throat spreading down my lungs, and my into my pancreas, so, as you can see, Im Im completely strep. Relax. Im merely curious as to how a contemporary teenage girl entertains herself. Oh, okay. Well, its my experience that if they cant find a senior with a car, theyll settle for some gullible sophomore whos willing to empty his pockets on a dinner he cant really afford, a movie he doesnt want to see, and a door slammed in his face. Somewhere in that brimming cup of bile, I heard dinner and a movie? Yeah, see, dinner and a movie is the premier form of dating entertainment, you know? Dinner, movie; movie, dinner, dinner-dinner-movie-movie. A wonderfully rich tapestry of human experience. Dont mock what I am, Mr. Feeny.

ERIC FEENY

ERIC

FEENY ERIC

FEENY ERIC

FEENY ERIC

(SCENE CHANGE) (AMY is in the kitchen; CORY comes down the stairs) CORY Mom, wheres Grandma? We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago, and her Winnebagos not even outside. You know what, Cor, I was gonna bake some blueberry muffins. You wanna help me? Bake? Yeah. Yeah, I do. Theres nothing Id rather do more. Huh wait Im lying. Id rather go to Baltimore. Well, how abut just until you leave. Ahh. So, how long do you think I could go without taking a shower before my arm gets all gross and disgusting? Is this whats gonna happen to me when my hormones kick in? Yeah, like I dont have anything else on my mind but girls. Look, I got a lot of other things on my mind besides girls, a lot of other things, theres like girl! Girl! Right there, right there! Where?

AMY CORY

AMY ERIC

CORY ERIC

CORY

ERIC

Its Feenys niece. Shes unbelievable. I I gotta think, I gotta think I gotta take her to a world shes never been to before. Dinner, movie; movie, dinner. This has to be perfectly orchestrated or else its gonna - Weasel! (goes to living room) Okay, Weasel, do you remember what weve been practicing? (deadpan) This is my brother Eric, hes very shy. Perfect. Look, in exactly one minute, I want you to come outside and do what weve been doing at the mall. How will I know when its a minute? (grabs egg timer) Hey? Minute, ding; minute, ding; minute, ding. Movie, dinner; movie, dinner (runs outside, jumps into FEENYs garden) How you doin, Mr. Feeny, and how can I help you in the garden today? (picks up bag of fertilizer) (to JESSICA) Oh, hi. Im Eric. Im Jessica. Strep throat cleared up, did it Mr. Matthews? Strep throat? A guy like me? No, see, I work out much too hard to ever get strep throat. So, uh, where would you like me to move this enormously heavy bag of fertilizer? I hadnt planned on moving it at all. Well, let me just effortlessly toss it over here then. Hoo-duh! This is my brother Eric. Hes very shy. Speaking of fertilizer Is this your little sister? That she is. I love Eric. Oh, please, Jessica you couldnt possibly fall for this line of She is so cute! And so well-rehearsed. Erics taking me to the carnival today. When did I say that? (chuckles) Looks like your parrot has learned a few new words. You wanna come with us?

MORGAN ERIC

MORGAN ERIC

JESSICA FEENY ERIC

FEENY ERIC MORGAN FEENY JESSICA ERIC MORGAN FEENY JESSICA FEENY MORGAN ERIC FEENY MORGAN

ERIC JESSICA FEENY ERIC FEENY

Oh, with us, to the carnival with us? Yes, please come with us. Well, if thats okay with you, Uncle George. Well, I think the polite thing would be to extend an invitation for me to join you. (strained) Mr. Feeny, would you like to come to the carnival with us? Oh, thank you so very much for asking, but no. Id rather have gum surgery.

(SCENE CHANGE) (AMY and CORY are baking) AMY CORY AMY Okay, now remember to take those out in a couple of minutes so they dont stick. Yeah, Mom, I kinda got the hang of it in the last four batches. Is Grandma lost, or what? I dont know, Cor, but hey, you know what? I was gonna bake a cake next. You wanna help me out? Look, Mom, I know youre trying to do this to distract me and all, but what if something happened to Grandma? Maybe we should call the police. No, I dont think so. Why not? Because Im sure that shes fine Then why isnt she here yet? Honey, Ive known your grandmother for a long time, and theres something you need to understand about her. I understand that if Grandmas not here yet, she must have a very good reason. (looks outside) Shes not coming, is she?

CORY

AMY CORY AMY CORY AMY

CORY

(COMMERCIAL BREAK) AMY CORY Im sorry, Cor, I know this is disappointing. Ah, it was just a stupid road trip. I mean, what kinda city is Baltimore, anyway? An American League city. Hey, why dont you call Shawn, see if he wants to go bowling. Cool. Ill drive. Or Ill drive.

AMY CORY AMY

CORY

That could work too. Ill call my best bud, Shawn. The one guy I can count on to be there. Hi, Ms. Hunter, its Cory. Shawn around? What do you mean hes gone fishing? (to AMY) Did you know your husbands cheating on me with someone elses son? You forgot to call Shawn. Goodbye, Mrs. Hunter. (to AMY) I forgot. You didnt tell him you werent going on the fishing trip? I forgot. So he still showed up. I guess he didnt forget. And now hes out there with my dad, drinking root beer, eating potato chips, bonding away. I miss one thing with my dad and he drops me for the first available son. Where are you going? Ill be in the tree house. Hold my calls.

AMY CORY AMY CORY AMY CORY

AMY CORY

(SCENE CHANGE) (CORY is in the tree house; ERIC, MORGAN, and JESSICA are below) MORGAN ERIC JESSICA ERIC MORGAN ERIC JESSICA ERIC MORGAN ERIC MORGAN ERIC JESSICA ERIC Eric is the best brother in the whole world. Thats enough, Morgan. That was so sweet of you to play four hours of skee-ball just to win her that giraffe. Three thousand tickets. Erics gonna give me his new sunglasses. No, hes not. You know, you can really tell a lot about a guy by the way he treats his sister. Oh, you mean these? There you go. Eric is such a good-looking boy. Yeah, thanks. Are we all done for the day? Yes, were done, bye-bye. Shes adorable. Shes not the only one.

JESSICA ERIC JESSICA ERIC JESSICA ERIC JESSICA ERIC JESSICA ERIC JESSICA ERIC JESSICA

Whos Grazie LaTerziana? What? The name thats written on your arm. Uhh... I cant stop every girl who wants to sign my body. Oh, Mr. Charming. I could loan you a pen. And smart, too, using his little sister as date bait like that. That obvious, huh? Oh, yeah. Big mistake? Did I say that? So I didnt have to work so hard. Who said you had to work at all?

(ERIC and JESSICA kiss; ALAN and SHAWN enter) ALAN ERIC ALAN ERIC SHAWN ERIC CORY ERIC CORY ERIC JESSICA ERIC Nice night, huh? Yeah. Well, were just, uh, passin through. Good. Pass. Eric, the Lipmaster! Yeah, sure. Look, anybody else, or are we all done here? Everyone have a great day without me? How long have you been up there? Long enough to watch you swap spit with a Feeny. Well, Id say the mood is sufficiently killed, wouldnt you? Dead and buried. I think my little sister is busy tomorrow, so, looks like its just you and me.

JESSICA ALAN ERIC ALAN ERIC CORY ERIC ALAN / SHAWN ALAN CORY ALAN CORY

Ill bring the pen. Good night everyone! Shes related to Feeny? Niece. Nice. Nice? Shes beautiful. I mean, thats the most incredible girl I ever kissed. Which puts her at the top of a list of, what? Two? Look, making out is not a spectator sport. (exits) Oooo. (applaud) What are you doing back from Baltimore so early? I didnt go to Baltimore. Why not? Cause I stayed here all day, cause grandma dumped me, while my best friend was out stealing my dad. Oh, grow up. I wasnt stealing your father. Good night, Shawn. Night, Dad. So Grandma never showed, huh? Nah, she didnt. You wanna talk about it? Doesnt really seem like theres much to talk about. Hoo, boy, are you wrong. Where are you going? Im hungry. Shawn ate everything on the boat except the worms. He usually likes those. (they go in the kitchen) Uh, I can highly recommend the muffins. These are a little dry. Great. I cook and I slave and this is the thanks I get.

SHAWN ALAN SHAWN ALAN CORY ALAN CORY ALAN CORY ALAN CORY ALAN CORY

ALAN CORY ALAN CORY ALAN CORY ALAN

You made these? I didnt have anything else to do, cause Grandma didnt show up. I been there. Wait a minute - she did this to you? Hey, pick a category. You like sports? Birthdays? You like rocket ships? Ill take rocket ships. All right, um, one day my class was supposed to go on this field trip to the Franklin Museum of Science to see the Man in Space exhibit. Cool. Yeah, it wouldve been, except that Grandma forgot to return the permission slip, so I didnt get to go. I been there. Yeah, me too, and I felt just the way youre feeling now. Did you hate her? Well, no, its kinda hard to hate her, Cor, you know, cause a couple of months later, she woke me up in the middle of the night, she bundles me up, she throws me in the Winnebago, we drive for two days and two nights. Whered she take you? Cape Canaveral. Mercury 3 first American in space. My classmates are back in Philadelphia looking at a little black and white TV, you know Im there, feeling the heat from the rocket on my face. Grandma took you all the way to Cape Canaveral? See, Grandma doesnt show love like other people do, but she loves you no matter what you think. She just shows love in her own way. And when shes with you, she wants it to be so special that youll always remember. I always do remember. Yeah, so do I. When that rocket took off, and the smile on my face was a mile wide, and all America was watching their little TV set, I remember that my mother was watching me. (La Cucaracha plays) Guess who? (goes to door) Hi, Mom. Hi, Alan. Youll never change, will you?

CORY ALAN

CORY ALAN CORY ALAN

CORY ALAN

CORY ALAN

CORY ALAN

GRANDMA ALAN

GRANDMA ALAN GRANDMA

Would you want me to? Nope. Hey, kiddo, look. I know we were supposed to go to Baltimore today, but youll never believe what came up. It doesnt matter, Grandma Oh, sure it does. I know you wanted to take me. I I I really did. Did I tell you that my Cal Ripken card was my favorite one? It is? Yeah, and his signature might have just messed it up, just like that Lamborghini girl messed up Erics arm The next time my convoy swings by here, you and I are going to do something really special. I cant wait. Hi, Grandma, Cor. Look Dad, Ive been up in my room for the last twenty minutes, okay? Alan, I would appreciate it if you kept your son and his hormones inside the house at least until my niece leaves. Why, George, what are you talking about? Erics been up in his room for - twenty - minutes. Excuse me, I will not be jerked around. Oh, well, excuse me, but as the matriarch of this family, not to mention a card-carrying member of the Kiwanis club, I can personally vouch for the fact that this fine young man has been up in his room for the past 20 minutes. And excuse me, Miss Kiwanis, but how could you know that, when I just saw you pull up in your Winnebago and run over my mums not forty seconds ago? Who is this guy? My teacher.

CORY GRANDMA CORY GRANDMA CORY GRANDMA CORY

GRANDMA

CORY ERIC

FEENY

ALAN ERIC ALAN FEENY GRANDMA

FEENY

GRANDMA CORY

GRANDMA CORY GRANDMA FEENY GRANDMA FEENY CORY FEENY CORY (La Cucaracha)

Does he give you straight As? No. And why not? Have you talked to the boy? Okay, Teach, youd just better kiss the rest of those mums goodbye. Who is that woman? My grandma. Dont you just love her? No, I dont. Well, I do.

(SCENE CHANGE) (CORY and SHAWN are in CORYs bedroom) SHAWN Cal Ripken, Junior rookie year. I never thought Id actually get to hold one of these things. My grandma picked it up at this swap meet for seven bucks. Seven bucks in dog years. This babys worth a hundred and fifty, easy. It is? Yeah. Boy, your grandma must really love you. Yeah. Or else she shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Youre kidding, right? Im not sure.

CORY SHAWN CORY SHAWN CORY SHAWN CORY