Who's Who in the Pagan World-Wide Ranking System

Elder (or Elder Druid)

The "Chosen One", Messenger of the Gods
Can eclipse the Sun with the wave of a hand, Starts Tidal waves with a wink
…and causes Earthquakes with a nod of the head.
Can only be killed by a falling Comet on a Leap Year if caught dancing on the head of a pin

Queen Witch (Senior Druid)

Chief Servant of the Messenger of the Gods
Walks softly and carries a big staff,
Often carried away and thinks they are (or should be) the "Chosen One".
Can only be killed by the Eclipse of a Dark Moon or trampled as the doors of Target are flung open on Black Friday

High Guardian (Senior Bard or Ovate)

Second Servant of the Messenger of the Gods
A Keen and loyal Warrior, will jump over Bael Fires in a paper loincloth to prove worthy of Queen Witch
An indifferent and usually independent son-of-a-bitch
Occasionally can walk on water but tends to get toes wet.
Can only be killed by a “Silver Bullet” (Coors beer can) flung by the Queen Witch or and Elder

High Priestess/ Priest (Druid)

A Born Leader; Breathes fire, Chews glass, and always has an answer
Has good credit in Metaphysical shops, but is the stingiest person in the world
Occasionally found either serving or drinking sacramental Mead from a drinking horn
Cannot be killed, must be kept in a 'Magick' Circle

Third Degree Witch (Ovate or Filidh)

A Master at everything they do in their own mind
Receives guidance from Mead, and can walk widdershins without spilling a drop
Any job done at their convenience (usually paid off in
Can easily be killed by Chaucer's Mead going out of business

Second Degree Witch (Bard)

Still learning the ropes (usually tripping over their own new cords)
Has almost mastered the art of bullshitting (a prerequisite for Third Degree)
Can empty the Chalice in record time if last in line to receive mead
Goes through frequent Ceremonial wine detoxification

First Degree Witch (Druid Initiate)

Has learned to invest in a catcher's mitt to catch shit from the Elders
Has reasoned the best answer is the fastest answer
Thinks 'Teacher' is a phrase that precedes the next punishing learning assignment
Must be burned and spanked frequently for fear of multiplying out of control

Novice (Neophyte)
Cannot pour piss from a boot, or read the directions on a packet of sugar
Has not learned to measure how much White Sage to burn in the cauldron
Practices special Magick tricks in the bathroom…always trying to compare their wands in the shower
Cannot distinguish one side of the Circle from another, usually burned trying to leap the bonfire