How to find investors?

By: Jagoda Radojcic

A few months ago, the Croatian media published spectacular news about the
Croatians paying the highest taxes in the world, and it made our partiotic hearts beat
with pride. Along with about 20 regular taxes, we also pay close to 250 other
impositions, which is more than any other civilised nation on the planet pays. If we
take a look at deductions from salaries, expressed in percentages, Croatian workers
are the most expensive workers in the world. Depending on whether the calculation
was made by a left or right side politician, between 54,8 and 57,3 percent of the sum
intended for salaries is detracted for taxes. On the other hand, according to analyses
recently published by the Croatian Association of Employers, the Croatian worker is
least present at his/her workplace in all of Europe, and second in the world, right after
Cameroon. Precise statistics provided by our employers state that, on average, we're
on vacation for 30 days, we spend 13 days on holidays, 7 days on personal days, 9,4
days we're on sick leave... Even when we're actually at work, on average we
effectively work 4 hours and 28 minutes. This is confirmed both by analyses of the
World Bank, who we might and might not trust, and the Croatian media, who are to
be trusted unconditionally.

Croatians are a record-breaking nation in general. About 4.5 million people owe the
world around 50 billion euros, so we can proudly say that we are among those few
nations whose debt surpasses the annual GNP. We also hold the record in the
number of state officials per thousand people. We have a larger number of registered
warriors than Napoleon, we are record-breakers when it comes to the percentage of
money dissapearing in the processes of public procurement, we have an above-
average number of ministries, our administrative division is the subject of legends,
we have more towns than Germany and more regions than Russia....
None of this happened over night. It is the result of hard work and superhuman
efforts. The finest Croatian heads are behind these accomplishments. And in order to
keep the entire structure, other than political will, we need money that is lacking in
our country. That's when we it hit us: We need foreign investments! If the left and the
right side had ever agreed on anything in the recent Croatian history, it was the fact
that only foreign investments can get us out of trouble.
We can't help but wonder: What would make a foreign investor voluntarily invest his
money into an insolvent country which has the highest taxes in the world, is shaken
by corruption, has impositions no one ever heard about but still has to pay them, has
expensive and inefficient workers and a huge bueraucratic system, plants that are
operational two months a year... Also, other than being incredibly rich, our financial
saviour would have to be kind enough not to ask a lot of questions and to stay out of
our internal affairs that he would not understand anyway. He would also have to
understand the Croatian political and historical context, and of course, if possible, he
would have to be Croatian and Roman-Catholic. It is not an essential condition, but,
let's be honest, we wouldn't accept money from just anyone.
Where and how do we find this ideal investor? The simplest way would be to find
them through an ad. For example, we advertise an ad in some relevant world
medium in which we ask all rich idiots to contact us urgently so we can present them
with our interesting financial offers. Another appropriate way would be for our
intelligence agencies to start observing mental hospitals for rich people worldwide,
and as soon as they see a potential investor in one of them, they should approach
him and talk him into investing (if he happens to refuse it, they should torcher him
until he agrees). The third way would be collaborating intensely with institutions
caring for mentally unstable people worldwide, and identify those among them that
own more than 10 million euros on their bank account, i.e. are qualified to be a
special foreign investor. After they are spotted, the investors should be lured into
Croatia by all means possible : promising them tons of ice cream, chocolate,
coloured beads, playing with choo-choo trains and water colours all day and night,
attractive nannies to watch them and take care of them, and unlimited cartoon
watching – until they sign the investment programs we present them with and commit
to stay in Croatia as long as they have any money on their account. After that, upon
their departure we present them with a medal and they're free to go wherever they
want. In the meantime, we start searching for new investors. Because only serious
investments can get us out of trouble. And those investments will be brought to us by
investors. Special investors. Just for us.