Armadillos – The Untold Story

Some time ago I ran into an armadillo. When I say I ran into an armadillo, I do
n’t mean I actually ran into it because I am suffering from a slight knee strain a
t the moment and can’t run. What I really mean is that I encountered an armadillo,
rather unexpectedly as it happens.
What made it unexpected was not necessarily the fact that armadillos are not ind
igenous to England where I was when this happened, but because it came into my l
ocal pub. There was a general cry of, “Ugh, what’s that?”
Luckily, I was on hand to assuage any fears that the armadillo presented. The re
ason I was able to do this was because when I was twelve years old I had an inte
rest in all things zoological and in particular the armadillo. Some people thoug
ht it was an unhealthy interest but they were just being shallow.
I was able to explain that the armadillo is a small placental mammal which made
some listeners retch. And seeing them retch made me retch too, except I took it
one stage further.
After I had cleaned up the mess, I informed my audience that armadillos are larg
ely harmless although some are quite small. The giant armadillo is about three f
eet long whereas the fairy armadillo is only about five inches and walks differe
ntly.
The armadillo has a lack of natural predators because it is covered in bony armo
r. That’s good.
They are also really ugly. That’s bad. This is the reason they are solitary animal
s that do not share their burrows with other animals. Who’d want to live with an u
gly thing if you don’t have to? Wait a minute …..
Armadillos have short legs but can move quite quickly, much like myself really.
If I didn’t have this knee strain.
Although they can swim, it is difficult because of all that heavy stuff on their
backs. To get round this, they have the ability to remain underwater for as lon
g as six minutes. This means that if they want to cross a stream, for example, t
hey don’t have to exhaust themselves, they can just stroll across the bottom of th
e stream at their leisure. Probably whistling as they go, if they are in a parti
cularly good mood.
However, should they need to cross a wide river, say they were going to visit re
latives, they can swim across but they have to take special measures. What they
do is gulp air into their intestines to make themselves more buoyant. This promp
ted one of the pub regulars to ask, “If they are full of air, don’t they float off l
ike a balloon?” I discounted the question because she was clearly drunk and seemed
to be foaming at the mouth too.
By the way, I once jumped into the sea from a rented pedalo off the coast of Llo
ret de Mar when I went on my holidays to Spain with my best friends. I was under
water for about six minutes. Somebody’s foot was on my head. I won’t be doing that
again. Nearly drowned. So the armadillo’s got one up on me.
Armadillos have poor vision but large eyes. Pointless.
They are also used in leprosy research because their body temperatures are low e
nough for them to contract the most virulent form of the disease. In my opinion
this is disgraceful.
At that, the armadillo in the pub, nodded knowingly at me and left.