Daily Jowk

44

A Birthday Wish A Twist on 'Oy Vey!'

A Bunny Story A Unitarian Miracle and Other UU Jokes

A Darkened Theater A Very Special Cow

A Faithful Woman Adam & Eve Jokes for Kids

A Father's Sermon All About Adam

A Good Day for Ice Fishing All I Need is a Miracle

A Heavenly Welcome American-Yiddish Dictionary

A Hole in One An Apocalyptic One-Liner

A Letter Addressed to God An Atheist's Holiday

A Priest and a Rabbi Were on a Plane… An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates

A Prisoner's Last Request An Imam's Sad Announcement

A Publicist for Moses An Offering From the Bottom of My….

A Puzzle for Darwin Angelic Assistance?

A Rabbi and a Priest Buy a Car… Angry Witch

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer Bee Inconspicuous

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker Better Than Botox?

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Better Than Pork Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes

Biblical Theme Songs Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses

Big Mouth! Church Sign Chuckles

Bloopers from Sunday School Students Compassion With an Umbrella

Born-Again Hindu Conversion Dilemma

Buddhist Vacuum Converting to the Society of Friends

Build Me a Bridge Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?

Burglar and an Elderly Woman Cowboy in Church

Cajun Confession Dead Atheist

Can We Have a Hanukkah Tree? Dead or Alive?

Cast the First Stone Deliverance

Caught on the Job Dividing Pecans

Chinese Jews Do Cats Go to Heaven?

Christian One-Liners Don't Wake your Neighbors!

Christian One-Liners Elisha and Two She-Bears

Christmas Eve Accident Eve's Steep Price

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Fig Leaf Found How many does it take?

Five Jewish Men How to Have a Perfect Pastor

Free Commandments Hunting Season

Friendly Pastor Hymns for All Professions

Getting Into Heaven I Don't Speak Dog

Glory Be Unto the Father If Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...

God Takes a Holiday If Bible Characters Had Bumper Stickers

God's Gift to Adam - DO NOT USE IN NL If College Students Wrote The Bible

Golfing Toward Confession If Noah Built an Ark in 2008

Good News, Bad News In the Beginning…

Good Question! Introduction to Matzoh Ball Soup

Groom's Day Is That Too Much To Ask?

Guilty Conscience It Will Pass

Heaven and Hell JC's PC

Heaven's Unitarian Population Jesus in the Bathroom

Hot Horseradish Jesus Is Watching You!

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King Solomon's Menagerie Odd Rabbi Out

Letter Home Oh, the Irony!

Little Angel? One Last Confession

Long-Distance Calls Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes

Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late! Paging John Edward

Make God Laugh Passover Fish

Moses on His Walkie Talkie Pierced Ears and Marriage

Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper Pork at a July 4th Picnic

Moving Testimony Prayer Before Meals

My Super Ex-Wife Praying for Coffee Cake

New-Fangled Ideas Punishment for Missing Church

No-Excuse Sunday Q&A: Before Boaz Married

Not tonight, Adam Ready… Aim...

Nun of Your Business Real Church Signs

Nuns at the Hospital Religion as Baseball

Nuns on the Highway Repaying a Debt

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Row, Row, Row Your Boat? The Inspired Sermon

Serving Two Masters The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

Shhhh! The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates

Singing In Church The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

Sister, Got Milk? The Nuns Enter Heaven - DON'T USE FOR NL

Snow Days The Oldest Profession

Spendthrifts The Parable of the Seagull

St. George and the Dragon The Parable of the Seagull

Stuff Happens The Pope’s Surprise

Switching Grooms The Preacher and the Frog Princess

Thanksgiving Blessings The Senility Prayer

Thanksgiving Trio The Sin

The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster The True Origin of the Internet

The Baseball Playoffs are On! The Vote for Heaven or Hell

The Carpenter's Son The Yiddish Parrot

The Healing Touch of Christ Three Eggs and $100

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Three Jewish Mothers Compare Sons Why’re You Always Telling Jokes About Jews?

Two Women at the Pearly Gates Working on Christmas?

Urglar and an Elderly Woman Working With God

Walking on Water You Don't Believe All That Stuff, Do You?

Warning: Pun Ahead Zen Sarcasm, Part 1

We Wish You a Merry...Chrismukah? Zen Sarcasm, Part 2

What Did the Cannibal Say…

What Would Jesus Drive?

When Jesus Was Born

Where Have I Met You?

Where Is the "BC" Located?

Where is your beard?

Who Is the Real Virgin?

Who Shot the Big Buck?

Why Did Baby Jesus Go to Jerusalem?

Why Is This Night Different?

 44
Daily Joke
11/23/2010
Don't Wake your Neighbors!
A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says,
"Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet
as you pass room 8."
Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18,
but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"
"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."
The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions,
but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"
St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only
ones here."
The Oldest Profession
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whose profession
was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they went all the way back to the Garden of Eden.
The doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest because Eve was made
from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was an incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the
beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were
created. So God must have been an architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you
think the chaos came from?"
Odd Rabbi Out
These four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in
accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher
authority.
"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please
give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud
moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from
God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm
clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and
they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared,
rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into
a tree on a nearby hill."I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a VERY big sign, but just as he said, "Oh
God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice
intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"
 44
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Paging John Edward
Twenty happy years later, the man dies, and the woman, Mary, sticks to her vow and
visits a seance four weeks later. It went something like this:
Mary: "Is there anybody there? I'm seeking my deceased husband John. Is he there?"
Strange, booming voice: "Mary? Is that you, Mary?"
Mary: "Yes John, is that you?"
John: "Yes, it's me."
Mary: "How are things where you are, John? What's it like?"
John: "Great, Mary. Every day after breakfast we make love until lunchtime, which
lasts about half-hour, then we make love until dinner. After dinner, we make love
until we fall asleep. It's great. I can't wait until you get here."
Mary (shocked): "Is that what Heaven's like?"
John: "I'm not in Heaven."
Mary (fearing the worst): "Then where are you?"
John: "I'm a rabbit in Florida!"
Conversion Dilemma
A Jewish man goes and visits a Rabbi about a personal concern of his.
"Rabbi," he says, "I am so upset about my son, I don't know what to do. I raised him a
good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I just
learned at this last Passover that he converted to Catholicism. Please tell me what I
should do to reason with him!"The Rabbi answers: "Funny you should mention this.
The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him everything I know to make
him follow in my footsteps and become a good Rabbi like me, and the next thing I
know, he converted to Catholicism and became a Priest! I truly don't know what to
tell you: maybe we should ask Yahweh for some insights."
To two men started praying: "Yahweh, G-d almighty, Creator of the Universe, please
come to our rescue. Our firstborn sons have converted to Catholicism! What should
we do?"
A thundering voice responds: "WELL, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!"
A Very Special Cow
Q. Have you heard of the dyslexic cow who attained enlightenment?
A. It kept on repeating OOOOMMM!
Bee Inconspicuous
Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going.
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and
there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going
until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of
fresh flowers and fruit."
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"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away.
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd
it go?""Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a
wasp."
Getting Into Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She
saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other
people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been
waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place!
How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked."Love."
The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the
Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the
beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the
lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my
wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing
today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
The Pope’s Surprise
Many years ago, a beloved Pope died and went to heaven. Saint Peter greeted him in
a firm embrace. "Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in
serving your fellow man during your life has earned you great stature in heaven. You
may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of
heaven."
St. Peter continued: "You are also granted an open-door policy and may, at your own
discretion, meet with any heavenly leader including the Father, without prior
appointment. Is there anything which your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the Pope replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which
have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there perhaps any
transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of
old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories
 44
over time."St. Peter immediately ushered the Pope to the heavenly library and
explained how to retrieve the various documents. The Pope was thrilled and settled
down to review the history of humanity's relationship with God.
Two years later, a scream of anguish pierced the quiet of the library. Immediately
several of the saints and angels came running.
They found the Pope pointing to a single word on a parchment, repeating over and
over: "There's an 'R'. There's an 'R.' There's an 'R'... It's CELIBRATE, not celibate!"
Christian One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
All About Adam
Wandering dejectedly in The Garden of Eden, Eve told God, "I'm lonely I'm tired of
eating apples by myself."
"Okay," God said, "I'll create a man for you."
Eve said, "A man! What's that?"
"He's a creature with aggressive tendencies and an enormous ego. He won't listen
very well, he'll get lost easily, but never stop to ask for directions. However, he is big
and strong, he can open jars and hunt animals. And he'll be fun in bed."
"Sounds great!" said Eve.
"Oh, and one more thing," God said. "He will want to believe that I made HIM first."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses
Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until
further notice.
Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.
On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is
better.
This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship.
Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones:
“Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.”
Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our
prayer time.
“I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet
shall be live.”
On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would
like a personal call.”
Church sign: “Jesus Saves!” Safeway sign across the street: “Safeway saves you
more!”
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Angelic Assistance? When Jesus turned to heal the third man, the guy put his hands up and cried
defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long-term disability."
An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on
time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground. Nuns at the Hospital

Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find
heaven, help me get up on my horse!” himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a
side. raspy voice, "No health insurance."

From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!” The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

Shhhh! The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."
church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."
The Healing Touch of Christ
Prayer Before Meals
Three guys were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and
joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to A hungry little boy was beginning to eat his dinner when his father reminded him that
speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I they hadn't prayed.
took shrapnel in the Vietnam War. Could you help me?"
"We don't have to," said the little boy. "Mommy is a good cook!"
"Of course my son," Jesus said. When Jesus touched the man's back, the man felt
relief for the first time in years.The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had Chinese Jews
a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight.
Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When the Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
glasses hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
 44
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by,
Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our
people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune
jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"
One Last Confession
While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She
held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to
move slightly.
"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to
sleep."
The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."
An HMO Manager at the Pearly Gates
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for
admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped
kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate
themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.The third applicant stepped forward and
said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St.
Peter said, "You can come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After
that, you can go to Hell."
Lord, Don't Let Me Be Late!
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to
be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please
 44
don't let me be late!"As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,and
started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!...But
don't shove me either."
Why Did Baby Jesus Go to Jerusalem?
A catechist asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A small child replied, “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter?”
Nuns on the Highway
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this
highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more
careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two Women at the Pearly Gates
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how
they died.
Woman #1: I froze to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!
Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm
and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by
himself in the den watching TV.
Woman #1: So what happened?
Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started
running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into
the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept
this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just
keeled over with a heart attack and died!
Woman #1: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
Letter Home
A college student wrote a letter home:
Dear folks,
I feel miserable cause I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy.
I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended
knee that you forgive me.
 44
Your son, Marvin
P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up at the box at the
corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back,
but I was too late.
A few days later, he received a letter from his father:
Dear Son,
Good news! Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!
Ready… Aim...
A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel
in a foreign land.
They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly
the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs
off.
Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the
priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off.
By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the
guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!”
Working on Christmas?
Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Cajun Confession
Boudreaux was feeling guilty, so he went to confession.
"Father, I kinda took a little lumber from that new construction site."
Priest: "What did you do with the lumber, my son?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, my porch, she's had a hole for a long time. I'm 'fraid
someone will break their leg, so I fix the hole."
Priest: "Well, that's not so bad."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left."
Priest: "What did you do with it?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my poor dog, Phideaux, he ain't never had no place to get outta the
weather, so I make him his own little doghouse."
Priest: "OK, anything else?"
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I had a little lumber left. So you know, my truck, she ain't
never had no place to get outta de weather either, so I make her a two car garage."
Priest: "Now, this is getting a little out of hand."
Boudreaux: "Well, Father, I still had a little lumber left."
Priest: "Yes?"
Boudreaux: "Well, my wife, she always want a bigger house. So I add two bedrooms
and a new bathroom."
 44
Priest: "OK! That's definitely too much. For your penance, you are going to have to
make a Novena. You do know how to make a Novena, don't you?"
Boudreaux: "No, Father... But, if you got the plans, I got the lumber."
Adam & Eve Jokes for Kids
Q. At what time of day was Adam created?
A. A little before Eve.
Q. Did Eve never have a date with Adam?
A. No, it was an apple.
Q. Where is the first math problem mentioned in the Bible?
A. When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
Introduction to Matzoh Ball Soup
A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors over for holiday dinner. The first
course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple announced, "This is matzoh
ball soup."On seeing the two large matzoh balls floating in the broth, the Gentile man
was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently the Jewish couple pressed the
Gentile man. "Try it; if you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."
Finally he agreed. He dug his spoon in, first picking up a small piece of matzoh ball
with some soup in his spoon, and tasting it gingerly. The usual "Mmmmmmmmm"
sound could be heard coming from deep within his chest, and he quickly finished the
whole bowl.
"That was good" the man said. "Can you eat any other parts of the matzoh?"
Snow Days
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to
school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had
used the time away from school constructively.
"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."
urglar and an Elderly Woman
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services
when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her
home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the
name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained
what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just
stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
The Baseball Playoffs are On!
Sidney telephones Rabbi Levy.
He says, "Rabbi, I know tonight is Yom Kippur, but tonight the Yankees are in the
playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life-long Yankees fan. I've got to watch the Yankees game on
TV."Rabbi Levy replies, "Sidney, that's what video recorders are for."
Sidney is surprised. "You mean I can tape Yom Kippur?"
Conway Twitty, Is That Really You?
 44

A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce
himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the * One section will have trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature.
door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
* The sanctuary will be decorated with both poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music have never seen the church without them.
singer.”
Repaying a Debt
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
The Hodja (teacher) was selling olives at the market and business was slow. He called
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the to a woman who was passing by and tried to entice her.
same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
She shook her head and told him she didn't have any money with her.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He
started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and "No problem," the Hodja grinned. "You can pay me later."
screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
She still looked hesitant, so he offered her one to taste.
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”
"Oh no, I can't, I'm fasting," she responded.
No-Excuse Sunday
"Fasting? But Ramadan was 6 months ago!"
* Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep
in." "Yes, well, I missed a day and I'm making it up now. Go ahead and give me a kilo of
the black olives."
* There will be a section with lounge chairs for those who feel our pews are too hard.
"Forget it!" shouted the Hodja. "If it took you 6 months to pay back a debt you owed
* We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof will cave in if I ever came ALLAH, who knows when you'll get around to paying me!"
to church."
A Priest and a Rabbi Were on a Plane…
* Blankets will be provided for those who think, "The church is too hot."
The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith."
* Fans will be provided for those who think, "The church is too cold."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the
* Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. flesh?"
 44
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than
pork, isn't it?"
Singing In Church
A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help
me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to
your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace,
how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously
began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from
the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to
sing "Precious Memories."
Dead or Alive?
If I could have dinner with anyone dead or alive, I would choose...alive.
An Atheist's Holiday
An atheist became incensed over Christmas holiday preparations. He filed a lawsuit
about the constant celebrations given to Christians and Jews while atheists had no
holiday to celebrate.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the long, passionate
presentation by the atheist's lawyer, the judge banged his gavel and declared, "Case
dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling. "Your honor, how can you
possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter, and many other
observances. Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur, and Hanukkah. Yet, my client and all
other atheists have no such holiday!"
The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said, "Obviously, your client is too
confused to know about, much less celebrate, his own atheist holiday!"
The lawyer pompously said, "Your honor, we are unaware of any such holiday for
atheists. Just when might that holiday be?"
The judge replied, "Well, it comes every year on exactly the same date. Psalm 14:1
states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, if your client says there is no
God then, according to the Bible, he is a fool. April Fool's Day is his holiday. Now,
get out of my courtroom!"
The Nuns Enter Heaven - DON'T USE FOR NL
Three nuns died and visited St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said he would
admit them if they each answered one question.
He turned to the first nun and asked, "Who was the first man?"
 44
"Adam," the nun confidently replied. The trumpets sounded and the angels sang as
the gates swung open and she walked into heaven.
St. Peter turned to the second nun. "Who was the first woman?" "Eve," she replied.
The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.
Then St. Peter turned to the last nun. "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"
The nun paused for a moment. "Gee, that's a hard one!"
The trumpets sounded and the angels sang.
Punishment for Missing Church
A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday to spend the day hiking in
the wilderness. Rounding a sharp bend in the trail, he collided with a bear and was
sent tumbling down a steep grade. He landed on a rock and broke both legs.
With the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, the preacher prayed, "O
Lord, I'm so sorry for skipping services today. Please forgive me and grant me just
one wish--make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me!"
At that very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to his knees, clasped his paws
together, and began to pray aloud at the preacher's feet: "Dear God, please bless this
food I am about to receive."
Where is your beard?
After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for
America returns to visit the family.
"But--where is your beard?" asks his mother upon seeing him.
"Mama," he replies, "in America, nobody wears a beard."
"But at least you keep the Sabbath?"
"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath."
"But kosher food you still eat?"
"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher."
The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear,
"Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?"
The Preacher and the Frog Princess
An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next
to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn
into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he
looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.
The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn
into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”
The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it
said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll
turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the
rest of your life!”
The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my
age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”
Better Than Pork
 44

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a
while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're
not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"The rabbi said, "I must tell
the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know
you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or
twice."
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very
large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone
on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute."
Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained
that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he
could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way. As
he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa
and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got
the same answer from each Pastor.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the
reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated,
he asked to talk to the Pastor.
Make God Laugh
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have
You know how to you make God laugh? found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I
could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign
Tell him your plans. reads 35 cents. Why?"

Why’re You Always Telling Jokes About Jews? The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

Two men sitting on a train are talking. One guy says, "Did you hear the one about the
two Jews who are walking down the street..."
The other guy says, "Hold it! Why are you always telling jokes about Jews? I find it
offensive. Why must they always be about Jews?"
Real Church Signs
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

"You're right," his friend replies and starts the joke again: "So, these two Chinese If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
guys are walking down the street on the way to their nephew's bar mitzvah..."
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
Long-Distance Calls
 44
You Don't Believe All That Stuff, Do You?
The lady replied, "Of course I do. It's the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that. It's in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask
him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.
Guilty Conscience
An elderly Italian Jew wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his
Rabbi. "Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to
be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spumoni, and I am alive today
because of it."
"Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew
is admirable," said the Rabbi."Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman
knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my
attic, and they never found her."
"That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to feel guilty."
"It's worse, Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors,
which she did, repeatedly."
"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had
found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be
judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."
"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"
A Letter Addressed to God
A letter written in a childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to "God". A
postal employee, not knowing exactly what to do with the letter, opened it and read:
"Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am 6 years old. My father is dead and my Mom is
having a hard time raising me and my sister. Would you please send us $500?" The
postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers and all
decided to kick in a few dollars each and send it to the family. They were able to raise
$300.A couple of weeks later the same post office received a second letter addressed
to God. The boy thanked God for the recent infusion of cash, but ended with this
request: "Next time would you send the money directly to us? If you send it through
the post office they deduct $200."
Who Is the Real Virgin?
A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable
about the Bible.
But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother
of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
 44
All I Need is a Miracle
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She
picked it up and rubbed it. Lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The amazed woman
asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-
world countries and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So,
what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map?
I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have
been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can
be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute. She said, "Well, I've been trying to find the right
husband. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the
housecleaning, has a great sense of humor and gets along with my family, doesn't
watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for. A good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that map again."
A Faithful Woman
An elderly Muslim lady was well-known for her faith and for her confidence in
talking about it. She would stand in front of her house and say "Allah be praised" to
all those who passed by.
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he
would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times came upon the elderly lady, and she prayed for Allah to send her some
assistance. She would pray out loud in her night prayer "Oh Allah! I need food!! I am
having a hard time, please Lord, PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME
GROCERIES!!"
One night the atheist happened to hear her as she was praying, and decided to play a
prank on her. The next morning the lady went out on her porch and found a large bag
of groceries. She raised her hands and shouted, "Allah be praised!."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no
Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The old lady laughed and clapped her hands and said, "ALLAH BE PRAISED. He
not only sent me groceries, but he made the devil pay for them!"
Christmas Eve Accident
Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly
gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something related to or
associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pockets and finds mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a candy cane, so he is also allowed in.The third man pulls
out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."
Good Question!
 44
And Moses looked upon the Lord and said:
"We are your chosen people and you want us to cut the tips off of our WHAT?"
Thanksgiving Blessings
All the grandkids were visiting for Thanksgiving. Before dinner, Grandma made a
lengthy speech about being thankful for her extra-special blessings, her four
grandchildren.
Two seconds after she stopped speaking, all hell broke loose and the kids were
yelling and grabbing for the home-made rolls. Grandma sat there, eyes closed with a
tight squint on her face.
When asked what was the matter, she replied, "I'm just praying for a little patience to
handle all these blessings."
Moshe Reads an Arab Newspaper
A story is told of a Jewish man who was riding on the subway reading an Arab
newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car,
noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader.
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"Moshe
replied, "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being
persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and
intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now
what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and
powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better!"
How to Have a Perfect Pastor
A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect
pastor:
Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect pastor preaches exactly 12
minutes.
He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone.
He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor.
He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and
gives about $80 a week to the poor.
He is 28 years of age, but he's been preaching for 30 years.He is wonderfully gentle
and handsome.
He gives himself completely but never gets too close to anyone to avoid criticism.
He speaks boldly on social issues, but must never become politically involved.
He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, but he spends all his time with senior
citizens.
He makes 15 daily calls to parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, spends
all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.
The Carpenter's Son
One day Jesus was out for a walk, strolling near the walls surrounding heaven, when
he heard an old man's voice call from the other side.
"Hello? Hello?"
 44

Jesus replied, "Who is it?"

"Just a poor, old carpenter searching for his son," the old man replied.
Jesus' heart leapt with joy and he called out, "Joseph?"
The voice answered back, "Pinocchio?"
The True Origin of the Internet
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take
unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she
had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of
drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one
Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And
indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates'
drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known
"eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.
town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
A Unitarian Miracle and Other UU Jokes
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel
load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the Q: Have you heard the latest UU miracle?
towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they
will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the A: Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.
drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Q: Why can't Unitarian Universalists sing very well in choirs?
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods A: Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next verse.
he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah's
But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Witness?
Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to
Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called A: Somebody who comes knocking at your door for no apparent reason.
Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
 44
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker
I'm pretty sure God prefers spiritual fruits to religious nuts.
Burglar and an Elderly Woman
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services
when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her
home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the
name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained
what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just
stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
"Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an ax and two 38's!"
Sister, Got Milk?
There once was a 94-year-old nun in the 1890's whose worn-out body began to
surrender. Her doctor prescribed for her a shot of whiskey three times a day, to relax
her.
However, not to be lured into worldly pleasures, she huffily declined. But her mother
superior knew the elderly sister loved milk. So she instructed the kitchen to spike the
milk three times a day. Eventually, the elderly pious one approached her final hour.
As several sisters gathered around her at bedside, the mother superior asked if she
wanted to leave them any words of wisdom.
"Oh, yes," she replied. "Never sell that cow!"
Bloopers from Sunday School Students
 The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he
obeyed him.
 Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
 Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do
one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
 It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone
off the entrance.
Moving Testimony
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school
teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Warning: Pun Ahead
Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town
thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.So,
the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
 44
What Would Jesus Drive?
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"I do listen to your prayers. I'm just not interested in the game." -- God
Dividing Pecans
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One
day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and
began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one
boy. Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he
heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough,
he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it
was. "Oh my," he shuddered, it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the
cemetery. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an
old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord
are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you
see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the
cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me." The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if
we can see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see
anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter
and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.
My Super Ex-Wife
My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.
She thought she was God.
I disagreed.
A Good Day for Ice Fishing
After church, little Johnny and his brother go ice fishing. Little Johnny starts drilling
on the ice when a voice from above says, "Young man, there's no fish down there.”
Little Johnny asks his brother, "Who is that?"
His brother replies, "I don't know."
So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, "For the second time,
there's no fish down there."
Little Johnny asks his brother, "Could that be God?"
His brother replies again, "I don't know."
Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, "Young man, for the
last time, I'm telling you there's no fish down there."
 44

Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"

Johnny looks up and asks, "Is that you, God?" Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager and the rink's closed." A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

God's Gift to Adam - DO NOT USE IN NL "Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water."

God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want
to hear first?"
Adam says, "Tell me the good news first." God says, "I'm going to give you a penis
and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."
Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"
God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."
Zen Sarcasm, Part 1
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for
I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me
alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky
tire.

Biblical Theme Songs 3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's
newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise" 4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues" 5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Moses: "The Wanderer"
Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp" 6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Samson: "Hair"Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" 7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
Esau: "Born To Be Wild" payments.
Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away" way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
 44
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Spendthrifts
A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery. It was
Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem.
The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?”
"Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything
better.”
Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an
expensive artist?”
The Vote for Heaven or Hell
A powerful senator dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is
met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a
problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure
what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the senator. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from
higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then
you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven."
"I'm sorry but we have our rules," replies St. Peter.
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
Nearby are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone
is in evening attire and very happy to see him. They run to greet him, hug him, and
reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the
people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.
Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy and who has a good time
dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that the time flies, before
he realizes it, the senator has to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while
the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is
waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
The next 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before
he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your
eternity." The senator reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have
said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now
the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with
waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
putting it in black bags.
 44

better than the kiss!"

The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and a beautiful club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
great time. Now there is only a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
miserable." So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the
bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today
you voted for us!" And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

Not tonight, Adam A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to "God, Protect Me From Your Followers."
begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
St. George and the Dragon
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led landlady answered the door.
her to a nearby bush.
The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was
enjoyable." "No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.

And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”
to caress Eve."
Church Sign Chuckles
And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"
Some favorite messages spotted on church signs or billboards, submitted by Beliefnet
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush members:
with Eve.
-Fire Insurance Inside
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even -This Church Is Prayer Conditioned
 44
-God Answers Knee Mail
-PRAY NOW! Avoid Christmas Rush!
-Sign broken, come inside for message
-This is a ch--ch. What's missing? U R!
-Stop in the name of love and meet the Supreme
-Wal-Mart's not the only savings place
-The best position is on your knees!
Compassion With an Umbrella
A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding
with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a
man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women,
but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She
asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate,
Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great
compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"If you believe you can tell me what to think, I believe I can tell you where to go."
A Prisoner's Last Request
Two men, sentenced to die on the same day, were led down to the room where the
electric chair was. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been
given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The
warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last
request?"The man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play
the Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden.
He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final
request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "Kill me first."
Cowboy in Church
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the
preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted
him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one
showed up, I'd still feed him."So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally
finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my
cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
A Heavenly Welcome
A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly
Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a
huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake
his hand.
Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over,
apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and
says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you."
 44
Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint
Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I
tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't
remember doing anything really special when I was alive.""Congratulations for
what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the
fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor
is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open. When he
regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived
my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to
be worthy, but I only lived to be forty."
"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
Can We Have a Hanukkah Tree?
Admiring the Christmas trees displayed in his neighbor's windows, a child asks his
father, "Daddy, can we have a Hanukkah Tree?"
"What? No, of course not." says his father.
"Why not?" asks the child again.
Bewildered, his father replies, "Because the last time we had dealings with a lighted
bush we spent 40 years in the wilderness."
Angry Witch
Q. What do you call an angry Witch?
A. Ribbit
A Father's Sermon
A minister's young son sat on the floor of his father's office watching him write a
sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" the boy asked.
"Why, God tells me." his father replied.
"Well, then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Walking on Water
A rabbi, priest, and a minister are out fishing in a boat on a big lake when the priest
realizes that he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting to disturb the fishing of the
others in the boat by having them take him to shore, he gets out of the boat and walks
across the water to do his business and then returns to the boat.A little while later the
minister has to go also and he does the same. He walks across the water, does his
business and returns across the water to the boat.
Finally the rabbi feels the urge to go to the bathroom too, so he climbs out of the boat.
But instead of walking across the water, he falls into the water and starts to wildly
splash around. The priest and the minister finally drag the rabbi back into the boat and
the priest turns to the minister and says, "Maybe we should have told him where the
rocks were."
Converting to the Society of Friends
Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are
converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!
Working With God
 44
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a
thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling
apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work,
saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold,
it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in
excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on
feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished
together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God
was working it alone!"
Caught on the Job
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but
at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing
before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young
man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said,
“A-a-a-men!”
Born-Again Hindu
A zealous Christian who was trying to convert a Hindu found himself getting
nowhere. "The thing is," argued the frustrated Christian, "you have to be born again!"
"But I have been born again!" insisted the Hindu. "And again and again and again ..."
JC's PC
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This
goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several
hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the
electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest
is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and
cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."Jesus enters a
command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir
pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.
He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do
it?"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."
Build Me a Bridge
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky
clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have
TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."The
Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for
 44
that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific!
The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I
can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little
more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could
understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when
she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says
‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
A Bunny Story
Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road.
Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the
bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There,
lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the
Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was
a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem
was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the
Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my
fault."
The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray
bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately
sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then
it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and
waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman
could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."
The Lawyer at the Pearly Gates
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly
Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into heaven, they would each have
to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that
crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” The teacher answered
quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let her through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and figuring heaven didn’t REALLY need all the
odors this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:
“How many people died on the ship?” But the trash man had just seen the movie, too,
and he answered, “about 1,500.”
“That’s right! You may enter,” said Peter.
Then St. Peter turned to the lawyer and said, “Name them.”
Jesus Is Watching You!
There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted
to take. All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in
the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.
He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who wassaying
that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.
 44
"Did you say that?" asked the burgler.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.
"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"
"The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"
A Rabbi and a Priest Buy a Car…
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each
other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their
new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was
doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and
cut off two inches of the tailpipe.
Passover Fish
how thirsty they were after walking so far. They were not able to drink from the walls
of Red Sea water on either side since it was salt water.
Then, a fish out of a wall of water told Moses that he and his family heard the
complaints of the people. Through their own gills, they could remove the salt from
the water and force it out of their mouths to become fresh water for the Israelites to
drink.
Moses accepted the fish's offer, but the fish and his family also had a demand: Their
descendants had to be always present at the seder meal since they had a part in the
Passover story.
Moses agreed to this and then said, "Go Filter, Fish!" To this day, this phrase remains
the name of the fish (gefilter) eaten at Passover.
Good News, Bad News
A minister stood in front of his congregation and announced, "I have good news and
bad news. The good news is we have enough money to pay for our new building
program. The bad news is that it’s still in your pockets.”
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"God doesn't believe in atheists."
Three Eggs and $100
An elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before church one Sunday
morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small box containing three eggs and
100 $1 bills.
He called his wife into the closet to ask her about the box and its contents.
Embarrassed, she admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 30 years of
marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "Why?" The wife replied that
she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how the box could have hurt his
feelings. She said that every time during their marriage that he had delivered a poor
 44
sermon, she had placed an egg in the box.
The pastor felt that three poor sermons in 30 years was certainly nothing to feel bad
about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the neighbors for $1."
The Atheist And The Loch Ness Monster
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a
booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't
believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
In the Beginning…
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.
Switching Grooms
Little Mary was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony. When it was
over, she asked her mother, “Why did the lady change her mind?”
Her mother asked, “What do you mean?”
"Well, she went down the aisle with one man and came back with another one.”
Fig Leaf Found
A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the
ancient pages as he turned them one by one.
He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and
looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the
pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out.
"What do you have there?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's
underwear!"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Know Sin. No God. Know God. No Sin."
We Wish You a Merry...Chrismukah?
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was
announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An
industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years. While
details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having
twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for
both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new
holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the
hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreidel,
currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a
wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the
 44

dreidel will be the more generic: "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is 1. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising
resources for buying and delivering their gifts. 2. Some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years 3. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa
even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos 4. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this. back in your pocket.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive 5. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing
rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful." 6. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together.
Thanksgiving Trio
7. There are two theories to arguing with a women - Neither one
Three Thanksgiving Jokes: works.

 Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my
own turkey. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat
department.
8. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
9. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.

 When everyone at the table takes turns saying what they are thankful for, say,
“I'm thankful I didn't get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"If you were made in God's image, how did you get to be so ugly?"
 Keep your eye off the turkey dressing. It makes him blush!
Buddhist Vacuum
Zen Sarcasm, Part 2
 44
Q: Why can't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: No attachments.
Do Cats Go to Heaven?
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a
good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep
on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God
meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All
our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us.
If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of
tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is
sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you
doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And
those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"
Free Commandments
God first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.
"What's a commandment?" they asked.
"Well, it's like, THOU SHALL NOT COMMIT ADULTERY," replied God.
The Egyptians thought about it and then said, "No way, that would ruin our
weekends."
So then God went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a
commandment.
They also asked, "What's a commandment?"
"Well," said God, "It's like, THOU SHALL NOT STEAL."
The Assyrians immediately replied, "No way. That would ruin our economy."
So finally God went to the Israelites and asked them if they wanted a commandment.
They asked, "How much?"
God said, "They're free."
The Israelites said, "Great! We'll take ten!"
Nun of Your Business
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and
liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
 44
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she
would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-
pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for
washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of
pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
Is That Too Much To Ask?
Sarah's grandson is playing in the water, while she is standing on the beach not
wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden a huge wave appears from nowhere
and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is in the ocean. The water recedes
and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.
Sarah holds her hands to the sky and cries, "God, how could you? Have I not been a
wonderful mother and grandmother? Have I not given to B’nai Brith and Haddasah?
Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
Just then, another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the
water recedes, the boy is standing there, smiling, splashing around as if nothing had
happened.
A loud voice booms from the sky, "I have returned your grandson. Are you
satisfied?"
Sarah responds, "Well...he WAS wearing a hat."
Elisha and Two She-Bears
A minister was talking to a children's Sunday school class about the Old Testament
story of the children who mocked Elisha on his journey to Bethel. For once, he had
everyone's attention, as he described how the youngsters taunted the poor old prophet
and how they were punished: Two she-bears came out of the wild and ate 42 of
them."And now, children," said the pastor, wondering whether he had gotten his point
across, “what does this story show us?”
A little girl in the front raised her hand and said, "It shows how many children two
she-bears can hold."
When Jesus Was Born
Saints Dominic, Francis of Assisi, and Ignatius of Loyola are transported back in time
and place to the birth of Our Lord.
St. Dominic, seeing the Incarnation of the Word, is sent into ecstasy.
St. Francis, seeing God become a helpless child, is overcome with humility.
St. Ignatius of Loyola takes Mary and Joseph aside and asks, “Have you given any
thought to his education?”
Little Angel?
Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm.
Johnny asked his mom, “Where’d he come from?”
“He came from heaven, Johnny.”
“Wow! I can see why they threw him out!”
A Hole in One
 44

A rabbi loved to play golf, but he never seemed to have time. He couldn't play on
Shabbat, there was religious school on Sundays, and on days off, something always Leo: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo to
comes up. do the job for them while they're out.

But, amidst all the activity of the High Holidays, he got a very early tee time before Virgo: Approximately 1.0000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.
services on Yom Kippur.
Stuff Happens
A passing angel saw him and reported to the Lord. "I'll take care of him," was the
casual response, and the angel hurried back to the golf course to watch.On the next Tao: Stuff happens.
hole, the rabbi got a hole in one.
Catholicism: If stuff happens, you deserved it.
Baffled, the angel returned to question the Lord. "Weren't you going to punish him
for playing golf on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar?" the angel Protestantism: Let stuff happen to somebody else.
asked. "He just got a hole in one!"
Judasim: Why does stuff always happen to us?
"I know," replied the Lord. "But who's he going to tell?"
Islam: Stuff happens according to the will of Allah.
How many does it take?
Buddhism: The stuff is an illusion.
How many members of your horoscope sign does it take to change a light bulb?
Zen: What is the sound of stuff happening?
Part 1:
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?
Mormonism: This stuff should multiply.
Taurus: One, but just "try" to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and
should be thrown away. Baha'i Faith: Stuff happens in a progressive manner.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done--they just keep arguing about who is
supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.
Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief
process.
Agnosticism: I'm not sure about this stuff.
Atheism: That stuff about the stuff is all just made up stuff.
Jonestown: Forget about the stuff and just drink the Kool-Aid.
 44

If Bible Characters Had Bumper Stickers "But Father," protested the young priest. "My confessions and donations have nearly
doubled since I began that!"
Biblical bumper stickers:
"Yes," replied, the elderly priest. "I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot
Jonah: Save the Whales 'n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!"

The Israelites: Honk If You Love Moses A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

Elijah: My Other Chariot Rolls "My life goal is to piss off Brahma so much that I won't need another life goal."

Goliath: Support the Ban on Slingshots A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer

Lot: If You Can’t See Sodom, You’re Too Close A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car
broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked
Methuselah: Be Kind to Senior Citizens at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had
to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
New-Fangled Ideas
The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "You had a good idea to replace minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered
the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to
of the church always fills first now." sleep in the same room with a pig!"

As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a
little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So,
I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services
are consistently packed.“
"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to
the new ideas of youth."
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs.
However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying,
"There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my
religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no
problem sleeping with animals.
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

"All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest. "But, I'm afraid King Solomon's Menagerie
you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
 44

A Sunday school teacher asked little Susie, "Who's your favorite person in the
Bible?" "This baked ham is really good,” said the priest. “You really ought to break down and
try some.”
Susie said, "King Solomon."
"I will, I will,” replies the rabbi, smiling, “at your wedding.”
"Can you tell us why?"
Five Jewish Men
"Because he was so nice to ladies and to animals."
Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.
"What do you mean?"
Moses said the law is everything.
"He had six hundred wives and three hundred porcupines." Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Who Shot the Big Buck? Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the
other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them God Takes a Holiday
shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to
see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was Chuckling, God remarked, "Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there,
dead but had only one bullet hole. had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!"

A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he Better Than Botox?
offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.
Q. What's the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women?
He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazed
that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game A. Oil of Oy Vey
warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the
other." Q&A: Before Boaz Married
Pork at a July 4th Picnic Q: What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A: Ruthless
A priest and a rabbi met at the annual July 4th picnic. They were old friends and
loved to tease one another.
 44

Q: What do they call pastors in Germany?

A: German shepherds. "It will pass," the teacher replied matter-of-factly.

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker: A Birthday Wish

Forget world peace--visualize using your turn signal! Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my
birthday."
Hymns for All Professions
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
Dentist's Hymn: Crown Him with Many Crowns
Weatherman's Hymn: There Shall Be Showers of Blessings "No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.
Contractor's Hymn: The Church's One Foundation
Tailor's Hymn: Holy, Holy, Holy A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
Golfer's Hymn: There's a Green Hill Far Away
Politician's Hymn: Standing on the PromisesOptometrist's Hymn: Open My Eyes "Don't make me come down there!" --GOD
That I Might See
IRS Agent's Hymn: I Surrender All The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet
Gossip's Hymn: Pass It On
Electrician's Hymn: Send The Light A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day
Shopper's Hymn: Sweet By and By neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared
Realtor's Hymn: I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.
Massage Therapist's Hymn: He Touched Me
Doctor's Hymn: The Great Physician “I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.

It Will Pass “Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.

A student went to his meditation teacher and said, "My meditation is horrible! I feel “Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid
so distracted, or my legs ache, or I'm constantly falling asleep. It's just horrible!" my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”

"It will pass," the teacher said matter-of-factly. A week later, the student came back to “Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice
his teacher. "My meditation is wonderful! I feel so aware, so peaceful, so alive! It's a day and wear socks all the time.”
just wonderful!"
The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.
 44
Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so
worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”
“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t
worry about it.”
“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my
fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”
“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few
minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and
gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until
you’ve taken care of your breath.”
The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.
In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day
without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed
to keep their issues to themselves.
They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had
come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he
didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted
out, “What in the world are you doing?”
“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”
Golfing Toward Confession
A man went to the confessional. “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
"What is your sin, my son?” the priest asked.
"Well,” the man started, “I used some horrible language this week, and I feel
absolutely terrible.”
"When did you use this awful language?” asked the priest.
"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250
yards, but it struck a power line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight
down to the ground after going only about a hundred yards.”
"Is that when you swore?”
"No, Father. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his
mouth and began to run away.”
"Is that when you swore?”
"Well, no. You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky,
grabbed the squirrel in his talons, and flew away!”
"Is that when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew toward the
green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my
ball.”
"Did you swear then?”
"No, because as the ball felt it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened
off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six
inches of the hole.”
The priest signed, “You missed the putt, didn't you?”
 44

An Apocalyptic One-Liner "I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."

Every time someone predicts the date of the end of the world, God pushes the date "My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the
back a little just to be funny. ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the
Development Appeal Board for a decision."
A Twist on 'Oy Vey!'
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future
Q: Have you heard the new Jews for Jesus prayer? costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for
the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they
A: Oy vey, Maria! would hear nothing of it."

If Noah Built an Ark in 2008 "Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order
to save the spotted owl."
And lo, in the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
States, and said:
no go!"
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of
all flesh before me."
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted
that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good
were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a
humans."
confined space."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an
will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how
was no ark.
many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the
people who want to work."
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union
"I needed a building permit."
workers with ark-building experience.
 44
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the
country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across
the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the
world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
Cast the First Stone
Jesus was in the town square as a mob was bringing in an adultress to be stoned.
When he realized what was about to happen, he called out in his Son of God voice,
"LET HE WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE!"
Well, this kind of put a damper on the party; people started looking guilty and
dropped their stones.
Suddenly a baseball-sized stone came whistling in from the edge of the crowd,
striking the adultress square in the forehead, shattering her skull, and dropping her
dead.
Jesus, rising to his toes, looked in the direction of the thrower and called out, "Nice
arm, Mom."
Glory Be Unto the Father
Walking by, a minister saw his 5-year-old son and playmates find a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, the children had secured a small box
and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto
the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn... and into the hole he gooooes."
Why Is This Night Different?
During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very
wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told
George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen
wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down.
"That's a great honor," George said. "Why would you turn it down?""Because during
the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to
bother studying Latin just for that."
"So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference."
"Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?"
"Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ...
'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?"
"Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall
become a knight."
At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before
the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her
sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.
 44
Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."
The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other
knights?"
Oh, the Irony!
Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second.
"That's awful," says the first man. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you
get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You
get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you
die?"
"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on
me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching
television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran
up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man.
"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Deliverance
It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Mississippi Valley, and the rising river
begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the
officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty,
and I am confident he will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at
which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house.A second
police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The
water level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty,
and I am confident he will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A
helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull
you up! You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty,
and I am confident he will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current
and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes
before the Divine Presence.
The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant
person my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where
were you?"
And the Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"
The Inspired Sermon
 44
The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father,
that was a good sermon.”
The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”
“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.
If College Students Wrote The Bible
The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning -- cold.
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five -- double-spaced and written in
a large font.
A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food. Paul's letter to
the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: they were roommates.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: they didn't want
to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would
have put it off until the night before to get it done.
The Sin
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of a
church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the
tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!" When the preacher condemned the sin of
lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and
screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One
turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."
An Imam's Sad Announcement
An imam shocked his community when he announced that he was
resigning from and moving to a drier climate.
Afterwards, a very distraught lady came to the imam with tears in her
eyes, "Oh, imam, we are going to miss you so much. We don't want you
to leave!"
The kind-hearted imam said, "Now, now, sister, don't carry on. The
imam who takes my place might be even better than me."
"Yeah," she replied, with a tone of disappointment in her voice, "that's
what the last imam said, too."
American-Yiddish Dictionary
JEWBILATION - Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
TORAHFIED - Inability to remember one's lines at one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
CHUTZPAPA - A father who wakes his wife at 4:00 AM so she can change the
 44
baby's diaper.
DISORIYENTA - When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a
conversation with everyone she passes.
MISHPOCHAMARKS - The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's
face and collar after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
ROSH HASHANANA - A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
FEELAWFUL - Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
KINDERSCHLEP - To transport other kids in your car besides yours.
OYVAYSMEAR - What one says when the cream cheese squeezes out of the bagel
and falls on your clean pants.
JEWDO - A traditional form of self-defense based on talking one's way out of a tight
spot.
Heaven's Unitarian Population
Why are there are no Unitarians in Heaven?
Because they heard there was a choice between going to Heaven or a discussion
group about the existence of Heaven.
Where Have I Met You?
"I've been racking my brains, but I can't place you,” one man said to another at a
gathering. “And you look very much like somebody I have seen a lot—somebody I
don't like, but I can't tell you why. Isn't that strange?”
"Nothing strange about it,” the other man said. “You have seen me a lot, and I know
why you resent me. For two years I passed the collection plate in your church.”
Where Is the "BC" Located?
A minister’s widow, who was old-fashioned, was going camping for a week in
California. She was nervous about the bathroom facilities and decided to write a letter
to the campground owner. But as she was writing, she couldn't bring herself to write
“toilet.” After much thought, the widow settled on "bathroom commode,” but when
she wrote the word, it still sounded too coarse. Instead, she referred to the bathroom
commode as "BC” after the first page of the letter: "Does the cabin where I will be
staying have its own BC? If not, where is the BC located?"
In the process of filing, the campground owner lost the first page of the letter.
Without noticing, he left the remainder of the letter on the desk of his staff manager
who found the letter and was baffled by the acronym. When he asked his wife what
BC meant, she remembered the widow’s husband was once a famous Baptist
preacher. "Oh, of course!” exclaimed the staff member. “BC stands for 'Baptist
Church!'" He immediately wrote a response to the widow’s letter:
Dear Madam,
I apologize for the delay in answering your letter, but I have the pleasure of informing
you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of
seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the
habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great
number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive
early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to
stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now
there is a fundraiser planned to buy more seats for the basement of the BC.
 44
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but
it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an
effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first
time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly
community."
Best wishes,
Ethan Smith
Campground Manager
The Yiddish Parrot
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day. He was wishing something
wonderful would happen to his life when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking
voice shouting out in Yiddish: "Quawwwwk...vus macht du...!"
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. He couldn't believe it! Meyer stood in front of an
African Grey that cocked his little head and said: "Vus? Kenst reddin Yiddish?"
In a matter of moments, Meyer purchased the bird and carried the parrot home. All
night long he talked with the parrot...in Yiddish. The parrot listened while sharing
some walnuts.
The next morning, Meyer began saying his prayers. The parrot wanted to pray, too.
Meyer hand made a miniature yamulke for the parrot. The parrot also wanted to read
Hebrew, so Meyer spent months teaching him the Torah.
On Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose, got dressed, and was about to leave when the parrot
demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that a synagogue was not a place for a
bird, but the parrot pleaded and was carried to the synagogue on Meyer's shoulder.
Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the rabbi. At first, the rabbi refused to
allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer convinced him that
the parrot could pray. Wagers were made on whether the parrot could speak Yiddish
or not.
All eyes were on the two of them during services. The parrot was still perched on
Meyer's shoulder as one prayer and song passed...but the parrot didn’t say a word.
Annoyed, Meyer said "Pray, parrot! You can pray...do it now while everybody's
looking at you!" The parrot said nothing.
After services were over, Meyer realized he owed the synagogue over four thousand
dollars. He marched home, saying nothing. Finally, several blocks from the temple,
the bird began to sing an old Yiddish song.
Meyer stopped and looked at him. "You miserable bird...you cost me over four
thousand dollars today. Why? After I taught you the morning prayers, taught you to
read Hebrew and the Torah. And, after you begged me to bring you to a synagogue on
Rosh Hashanah...Why did you do this to me?"
"Don't be an idiot," the parrot replied. "Think of the odds we'll get on Yom Kippur!"
Jesus in the Bathroom
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a
little confused about Jesus Christ. He wanted to make sure they understood that the
birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class,
"Where is Jesus today?"Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven!"
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart!"
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our
bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The
teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his
 44
wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
Little Johnny replied, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom
door, and yells: 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'"
A Darkened Theater
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is there a doctor in
the house?!"
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of you doctors
single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
Lord, walk beside me with your arm on my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Serving Two Masters
A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark Twain into an argument on the issue of
polygamy. After long and tedious expositions justifying the practice, the Mormon
demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture expressly forbidding polygamy.
"Nothing easier," Twain replied. "No man can serve two masters."
Church Bulletin Bloopers: Peace and Pancakes
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.
Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not
worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 pm. Steak, mashed potatoes, green beans,
bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to
lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church.
Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 pm there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will
please come early.
Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary
Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their
electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Due to weather conditions, there will not be any “Women Worth Watching” this
week.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green,
who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service, we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
Don't miss this Saturday's exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
Hunting Season
 44
The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season.
During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be
at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for
your deer.”
One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”
The Senility Prayer
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune
to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Heaven and Hell
A young woman came home and told her mom that her steady boyfriend had
proposed, but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and
didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, honey. Between the two of us,
we'll show him just how very wrong he is."
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"
A Publicist for Moses
Moses: “How are we going to get across the sea? The Egyptians are close behind us!”
General of the army: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build our own bridge to
carry us across. But there’s not enough time for that.”
Admiral of the navy: “Normally, I’d recommend that we build barges to carry us
across. But time is too short.”
Public relations officer: “I don’t have a solution, but I can promise you this: If you
can find a way out of here, I’ll get you two or three pages in the Old Testament!”
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"God doesn't believe in atheists."
In the Beginning…
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Know Sin. No God. Know God. No Sin."
Praying for Coffee Cake
An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess
pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his
favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffee
cake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.
"This is a very special coffee cake,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery
this morning, and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no
accident, so I prayed, ‘Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffee
cakes, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery. And sure enough,”
he continued, “the eighth time around the block, there it was!”
 44

Religion as Baseball The Parable of the Seagull

Calvinists believe the game is fixed. A woman went to the beach with her children. Her 4-year-old son ran up to her,
grabbed her hand, and led her to the shore where a dead seagull lay in the sand.
Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
"Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked.
Quakers won't swing.
"He died and went to heaven," she replied.
Unitarians can catch anything.
The child thought for a moment and said, "And God threw him back down?"
Amish walk a lot.
Pierced Ears and Marriage
Pagans sacrifice.
Q. Why are Jewish men with pierced ears well prepared for marriage?
Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.
A. Because they’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Televangelists get caught stealing.
Dead Atheist
Episcopalians pass the plate.
Q: What do you call a dead atheist?
Evangelicals make effective pitches.
A: Someone all dressed up with nowhere to go!
Fundamentalists balk.
A Puzzle for Darwin
Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: Let's see the evolutionists
Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.
try and figure this one out.
Baptists want to play hardball.
An Offering From the Bottom of My….
Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of darkness.
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy,"
The Pope claims never to have committed an error. she said, "can we leave now?"
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"No," her mother replied. Row, Row, Row Your Boat?

"Well, I think I have to throw up!" exclaimed the girl.
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind
a bush," said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat. "Did you throw up?" her
mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so
quickly?" her mother asked.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front
door that says, 'For the Sick.'"
Three Jewish Mothers Compare Sons
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a bench talking about how much their sons love
them.
Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son,
Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is; he loves his
mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Mercedes I just got for Mother's Day?
That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a
psychoanalyst in Harley Street. Five session a week. And what does he talk about?
Me."
A student was asked if he knew what Roe v. Wade was about. He answered that he
thought it was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross
the Delaware.
Hot Horseradish
A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on
his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big
spoonful.The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked
out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who
passes out a sample of it."
Friendly Pastor
After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited
his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another
hug and kiss when he left. Later, the wife's roommate commented, “Your pastor is
sure friendlier than mine.”
Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes
HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to
neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old
one better.
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HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a
lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for
you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about
your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our
annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb
traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of
which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Groom's Day
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.
“But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain.”
“Be quiet,” ordered the officer. “You can sit in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, sir, I just wanted to say—“
“I told you to stay quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A couple of hours later the officer checked in on the man and said, “You’re lucky that
the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a great mood when he gets back.”
“I doubt that,” answered the prisoner. “I’m the groom.”
The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy
David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!
I Don't Speak Dog
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains
Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A
few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the
house, bragging about how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging
excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy
points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"Immediately, the dog
climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he
stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the
time? Oy vey ... And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog
food? Forget it ... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting I tell you!"
The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't
believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the
newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."
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"I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained. He thought I said
kvetch."
Big Mouth!
A Jewish gentleman stood before a delicatessen display counter and pointed to a tray.
"I'll have a pound of that salmon," he said.
"That's not salmon," the clerk said. "It's ham."
"Mister," the customer snapped, "in case nobody ever told you, you got a big mouth!"
Christian One-Liners
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited - until you try to sit in their pews.
Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.
What Did the Cannibal Say…
Q. What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary.
A. "Ah! Breakfast in bed."
If Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder...
“If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must really
love our church.”
Eve's Steep Price
God noticed that Adam was lonely. He said to him "Adam, I am going to give you the
perfect companion. She'll cook and clean and listen, she's perfect."
Adam replied, "What will she cost me?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Shocked, Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
Moses on His Walkie Talkie
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue
mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the
people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent
bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"