Mind Over Matt

A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS

By Scott Haan

Encouraging Creativity Through The Performing Arts

HEUER
P U B L I S H I N G
p.o. box 248 ● cedar rapids, iowa 52406
“MIND OVER MATT” was first presented on June 18, 2008 by the Red
Barn Summer Theatre in Frankfort, IN. The roles were originally
performed by the following cast:

MATT ......................................................................... Zach Murray

FLOYD.......................................................... Jonathan Kenworthy
BUTCH ...................................................................... Derek Elstro
DYLAN.........................................................................Chris Daley
ROSE......................................................................... Tara Dorsey
ZEKE ......................................................................... J. Lewis Fox
MRS. SNYDER.......................................................Cathlyn Melvin
PENNY ...................................................................... Rachael Lau
DEVIL ................................................................... David Berghoef
ANGEL............................................................... Cassandra Quinn
MRS. KILLIAN ........................................................... Linda Benge

Director .......................................................... Stephen Henderson

Assistant Director....................................................Cathlyn Melvin
Properties Master ........................................................Doug Davis
Lighting Operator .............................................................. Tim Fox
Producer ............................................................Martin Henderson

PUBLISHED BY
HEUER PUBLISHING LLC
P.O. BOX 248 ● CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA 52406
TOLL FREE 1-800-950-7529 ● FAX (319) 368-8011
hitplays.com
 MIND OVER MATT
A COMEDY IN TWO ACTS

By Scott Haan
Copyright © MMVIII by Scott Haan
All Rights Reserved
Heuer Publishing LLC, Cedar Rapids, Iowa
ISBN: 978-1-61588-104-8

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P.O. BOX 248 • CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA 52406
TOLL FREE (800) 950-7529 • FAX (319) 368-8011
 BY SCOTT HAAN

MIND OVER MATT

By Scott Haan
SYNOPSIS: Ever argue with yourself? Ever said, “I don’t know what got
into me?” This is the story of Matthew Lane. Matt is a successful illustrator
with a couple of deadlines and several squabbling inner personalities who do
weird and wonderful things. As Matt tries to gather up enough nerve to ask
out the girl of his dreams, Matt’s egos, who all have their own hang-ups,
lead him in one too many directions. When Matt’s overworked boss comes
to believe that Matt has a crush on her, the conflicted egos manage to make a

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bad situation much, much worse.
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CAST OF CHARACTERS

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(SIX MEN, FIVE WOMEN, EXTRAS)
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MATT (m) ......................................Matthew Lane is a young commercial

an artist who, like all of us, has different
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sides to his personality. In Matt’s case,

those sides seem to have a life of their
own. (160 lines)

They are personified in the story by

comically stereotypical characters,
collectively known as the EGOS:

BUTCH (m) ....................................The bad boy ego. His interests include

women and beer, and not much else. He
is scruffy and crass, and says exactly
what’s on his mind. (112 lines)

DYLAN (m)....................................The charming ego. He is handsome,

suave, and sophisticated, and quite the
ladies’ man. However, he is also
incredibly vain, and carries a mirror at
all times. (99 lines)

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 MIND OVER MATT

FLOYD (m) ....................................The nerd ego. Comfortable with calculus

but terrified of women, he is a socially
awkward know-it-all hypochondriac
with a nasal condition. (106 lines)

ROSE (f) .........................................The female ego. She is Matt’s feminine

side, and is rational, caring, and
nurturing. The others respect her, even if
they’re not sure why she’s there in the
first place. (106 lines)

ZEKE (m)........................................The grumpy ego. He is the bitter, angry

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as we get older. He is also perpetually
sleepy, and has no patience for young

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people. (43 lines)
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The DEVIL (m or f) ........................Inclined to mischief and sneakiness.

[Gender flexible but preferably male.]
an (14 lines)
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The ANGEL (m or f) ......................The voice of goodness and charity.

[Gender flexible but preferably male.]
(10 lines)

PENNY (f) ......................................The young woman Matt has been

admiring from afar. And it’s easy to see
why: she is sweet, funny, strong and
independent. (90 lines)

MRS. KILLIAN (f) .........................Matt’s boss, who has gained a reputation

for being a cruel and difficult task-
master. She is all-business, no-nonsense,
and more than a little frightening. (67
lines)

MRS. SNYDER (f) .........................Matt’s humorless landlady. (8 lines)

OPTIONAL: Five EGOS for PENNY (4W, 1M) who are counterparts to
MATT’s EGOS. (See ENDING OPTION #1 at the end of this script.)

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 BY SCOTT HAAN

SETTING
Our story takes place in the apartment of MATTHEW LANE, a graphic
artist for an advertising firm. He lives modestly, so the only noteworthy
furniture in his living room is a couch (CS), a rocking chair (USR), a desk or
drafting table (DSL), and a small TV (DSR). There are three doors. The SL
door (a swinging door) leads into the kitchen; the CS door (an open
doorway) leads to his bedroom and bathroom; and the SR door leads outside
to the hallway.

SYNOPSIS OF SCENES

ACT ONE

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SCENE 1 Tuesday morning
SCENE 2 Friday night (3 days later)

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SCENE 3 Saturday morning (the next day)
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ACT TWO

SCENE 1
an Saturday morning (seconds later)
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SCENE 2 Saturday morning (a few minutes later)

PROPS

o A toy gun or pistol for Floyd

o A calculator watch for Floyd
o A pocket pen for Floyd
o A hand mirror for Dylan
o A cane for Zeke
o Oversized advertisement artwork for Matt (two identical copies)
o A pencil for Matt
o Three cell phones (one for Matt, one for Mrs. Killian, and a flip-
front phone for Floyd to use as a Star Trek tri-corder)
o A slip of paper with a phone number written on it
o A coffee mug (with liquid inside)
o 2 glasses of “Sprite” (water will work)
o A comic book
o A big portfolio book for displaying artwork
o A big portfolio bag for carrying artwork
o A devil’s pitchfork

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 MIND OVER MATT

o A towel
o Duct tape to bind Floyd’s hands, legs and mouth (you might
consider making pre-taped cuffs attached with Velcro that can be
quickly affixed to Floyd backstage, and easily removed by Rose
onstage)
o A bottle of aspirin
o Two (or more) sippy cups in an “unopened” box or container,
carried inside a plastic bag
o A toy rifle for Butch
o A walkie-talkie for Butch
o A bouquet of flowers for Zeke
o A serving bowl filled with popcorn
o
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Two empty bowls
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COSTUMES

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MATT
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ƒ (ACT ONE, SCENE 1) Shorts and a t-shirt with an instantly

recognizable logo or graphic (maybe a band or pop culture
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character)
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ƒ (Middle of ACT ONE, SCENE 1) A work outfit, like Dockers and a

dress shirt, which he dons onstage

ƒ (ACT ONE, SCENE 2) A nice outfit, suitable for a date

ƒ (ACT ONE, SCENE 3 to the end) A casual, around-the-house

weekend outfit

BUTCH
ƒ (ACT ONE, SCENE 1) A t-shirt with attitude (such as an irreverent
slogan) and torn jeans

ƒ (Middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1 to the end) Military fatigues or

army gear; the more camouflage and olive green, the better

DYLAN
ƒ (For the entire show) A handsome, GQ-worthy suit and tie

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 BY SCOTT HAAN

FLOYD
ƒ (ACT ONE, SCENE 1) A white dress shirt, formal black jacket,
black dress shoes and socks, comical boxer shorts (no pants), taped
glasses, and possibly a calculator watch

ƒ (Middle of ACT ONE, SCENE 1 to the middle of ACT TWO,

SCENE 1) A stereotypically geeky outfit, with a button-up shirt,
pants worn too high, and a pocket protector; he dons this outfit
onstage

ƒ (Middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1 to the end) A Star Trek costume

ROSE
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ƒ (For the entire show) A bright, perky casual outfit or dress

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ZEKE
ƒ (ACT ONE, SCENE 1 to the middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1)
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Casual “old man” clothes, maybe a past-its-prime sweater or

cardigan
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ƒ (Middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1 to the end) An absurdly antique-

looking “old man” suit

PENNY
ƒ (ACT ONE, SCENE 2) A nice outfit, suitable for a date

ƒ (ACT TWO, SCENE 1 to the end) A casual weekend outfit

MRS. KILLIAN
ƒ (ACT TWO, SCENE 1) Professional attire, such as a business suit

ƒ (Middle of ACT TWO, SCENE 1) Matt’s distinctive t-shirt from

the first scene, accompanied by either her business skirt or men’s
boxer shorts

ƒ (ACT TWO, SCENE 2) Same outfit, but with a jacket and/or pants
worn over it for the sake of modesty

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 MIND OVER MATT

MRS. SNYDER
ƒ (For the entire show) A morning gown and slippers, with rollers in
her hair

DEVIL
ƒ (For the entire show) A red devil outfit, with horns, a tail, a cape
and a pitchfork

ANGEL
ƒ (For the entire show) A white angel outfit, with wings and a yellow
halo

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Optional (PENNY’S EGOS, for ENDING OPTION #1)

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MYRTLE
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ƒ An ultra-conservative outfit, like a shy, pent-up librarian (she is

Floyd’s counterpart)
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JESSICA
ƒ Casual and scruffy clothes, like a t-shirt and ripped jeans (she is
Butch’s counterpart)

BUFFY
ƒ A glamorous outfit such as a sparkling dress, or something you
would wear to the prom (she is Dylan’s counterpart)

GERTRUDE
ƒ Old lady clothes, like a long plaid skirt and a button-up sweater,
with her hair in a matronly bun (she is Zeke’s counterpart)

ADAM
ƒ Bright, sunshiny clothes, cheery and comfortable (he is Rose’s
counterpart)

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 BY SCOTT HAAN

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DEDICATION
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an To Mom and Dad,

For unwavering love, support and encouragement
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Every minute of every day.

Oh yeah, and for giving me life. That was nice, too.
Scott

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 MIND OVER MATT

ACT ONE, SCENE 1

AT RISE:
Tuesday morning. The modest apartment of MATTHEW LANE.
Young MATT is sound asleep at his desk, wearing shorts and a t-
shirt. After a few moments, FLOYD pops up from behind the couch.
We only see him from the torso up. He is wearing a black suit or tux
jacket in a futile attempt to look debonair, but his mannerisms and
nasally voice, not to mention the tape on his glasses, instantly betray
his utter nerdiness. He is crouching low, brandishing a toy gun, and
scanning the room for prying eyes.

FLOYD: (Melodramatically, speaking into his watch.) Deep within the

enemy’s fortress. Danger lurks around every corner . . . and death

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is only one mistake away. The fate of the entire world rests in my
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hands. Some would call this mission foolish . . . impossible . . .
even suicidal. (Dramatic pause.) I call it Tuesday.

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Unbeknownst to FLOYD, BUTCH enters from the CS door (the

bedroom) behind him and silently watches, shaking his head. He is
scruffy, with wild hair, dressed in a t-shirt and torn jeans.
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FLOYD: (Puffing out his chest.) For I am the world’s greatest super-
spy. And I don’t know the meaning of the word “fear”!
BUTCH: (Mock clapping.) Wow.
FLOYD: (Jumping a mile while yelping in a high-pitched, girlish
voice.) Aaah!
BUTCH: Do you know the meaning of the word “loser”?
FLOYD: Don’t DO that!

Hand on his heart, FLOYD walks around from behind the couch, and
we can now see his lower half. He is wearing boxer shorts, black
dress shoes and black socks, but no pants.

BUTCH: (With barely concealed pity.) Floyd, what are you doin’?
FLOYD: (Proudly.) Giving Matt a secret agent dream. Just because
he’s asleep doesn’t mean he should be bored.
BUTCH: Enough with the nerd dreams. Last night, it was flying in a
spaceship with some old dude.
FLOYD: That “spaceship” is the U.S.S. Enterprise, and that “old
dude” is sci-fi legend James T. Kirk . . . William Shatner!!!
BUTCH: Man. With YOU in his head, it’s no wonder Matt’s single.
Tomorrow night, I’ll handle the dream. I’m thinkin’ somethin’ with a
cheerleading squad.

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 BY SCOTT HAAN

DYLAN enters from the same CS door, looking suave in a nice suit.
He is admiring himself in a portable mirror.

DYLAN: Morning, Butch. Hey, Floyd.

FLOYD: (With a hula dance move.) Aloha, Dylan.
DYLAN: (Finally getting a good look at FLOYD.) Another James
Bond dream, I see. (Conspiratorially taking him aside.) So, Floyd.
Got everything you need for this mission?
FLOYD: Of course!
DYLAN: Synchronized communicator watch?
FLOYD: Check!
DYLAN: Secret decoder pen?
FLOYD: (Pulling one from his pocket.) Check!
DYLAN: Pants?

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FLOYD: Ch - (Looking down, he finally realizes he is only half-
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dressed and gasps, covering himself.) Oh, no! Another “no pants”
dream? Sorry about that.

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BUTCH: Don’t apologize. Makes it easier for me to give you your
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morning wedgie.
DYLAN: (Stopping BUTCH’S movement.) Boys. We do need to get
moving here.
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FLOYD: (Looking at his calculator watch, he instantly panics.) Great
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Gandalf the Wizard! It’s almost ten?!?

DYLAN: It’s all right, Floyd. Don’t panic.
FLOYD: But Matt was supposed to be in the office an hour ago!

ROSE enters from the same CS door, wearing a bright, preppy casual
dress and displaying far too much early-morning cheer.

ROSE: Good morning, testoster-roomies! It’s a beautiful day!

FLOYD: Rose! Code red! It’s ten o’clock and Matt’s not awake yet!
ROSE: Uh-oh. Dylan, what happened? You’re the internal alarm
clock!
DYLAN: It’s not MY fault. We were up drawing half the night.
BUTCH: And Zeke’s still snoozin’. Guy could sleep through a firing
squad.
FLOYD: I’ll get him. (He exits through the CS door.)
BUTCH: (Calling after him.) While you’re in there, grab some
PANTS, would-ja?
DYLAN: (To ROSE.) So which “when I was your age” speech are we
gonna hear today?
ROSE: (A gruff imitation.) My money’s on “I held down eight jobs at
the same time.”

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 MIND OVER MATT

FLOYD returns, carrying a change of clothes and pushing ZEKE into

the room. Zeke is wearing old man clothes, and waving a cane.

ZEKE: (Gruff.) Hey! Don’t push, ya little weiner! Where’s the fire?
DYLAN: We’re running a little late here, Zeke.
ZEKE: All right, all right.

All five characters congregate by the desk, right behind MATT.

ROSE: On the count of three, okay? One . . . two . . . three!

ROSE / DYLAN / BUTCH / FLOYD / ZEKE: (In unison.) WAKE UP!
ZEKE: Ya panty-waist!

MATT’S eyes open, and he lifts his head from the desk.

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MATT: (Groggy, to himself.) I’m up. I’m up.
BUTCH: ‘Bout time.

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Blinking hard, MATT tries to get his bearings. However, he never so

much as glances at the others. That’s because FLOYD, BUTCH,
DYLAN, ROSE and ZEKE are not real.
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They are merely aspects of his personality, the components of his

mind, hereafter known as the EGOS. Although their actions
sometimes directly influence him, MATT will never acknowledge their
presence in any way. They are invisible to everybody but each other.
Also, MATT should never physically touch any EGOS, or any EGO
props (such as DYLAN’S mirror or ZEKE’S rocking chair) because
they don’t exist, either.

ZEKE: (Shaking his head with disdain.) Hmph. Sleepin’ until ten
o’clock. When I was that age, I held down eight jobs at the same
time! (ROSE proudly beams and does a victory gesture, her
prediction having come true. Smiling, DYLAN bows to her
admiringly.) I got an hour a week to sleep, but instead, I spent it
looking for job number nine!
MATT: (Cracking his neck.) Oooowwww. (He rubs the back of his
neck and grimaces. When he does so, the EGOS rub their own
necks, as well.)
FLOYD: We shouldn’t be sleeping at our desk, you know. We need a
mattress that provides sufficient lumbar support. (Indicating
MATT’S back.) We could develop a spinal disc herniation!

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 BY SCOTT HAAN

ROSE: (Putting her arms around FLOYD and ZEKE.) Guys! Stop
being so negative! Do you realize how lucky we are? We are at
the controls of a wonderful guy. I mean, just look at him!

They do. At that moment, both MATT and BUTCH simultaneously

scratch their right armpits, then take a sniff and recoil. The EGOS all
watch MATT do this, then knowingly turn to glare at BUTCH, who still
has his arm raised.

BUTCH: (Defensive when he realizes they’re all staring.) What?

ROSE: Matt’s the best. He just needs a little push from time to time.
Speaking of which . . .

ROSE makes a grand gesture of looking at her bare arm as if

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checking the time. This causes MATT to actually look at his watch.
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His face registers alarm and he jumps to his feet.

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MATT: WHAT? Oh, man! Not cool!
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MATT kicks into high gear, a man with a mission. He disappears

through the CS door and returns with dress pants and a shirt, which
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he lays out on the couch. Then he puts his wallet in the pants pocket,
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gets his shoes by the door, brings in a fresh cup of coffee from the
kitchen, etc. As MATT charges around the room, the EGOS continue
their conversation.

ROSE: Okay. We all need to concentrate now so we can make up

some lost time, all right?
FLOYD: Right. Teamwork.

DYLAN picks up the mirror and smiles, checking himself out again.
FLOYD starts to change into the clothes he brought with him, a
stereotypically nerdy outfit.

ROSE: Right. That means Zeke, no snoozing. (ZEKE tries to shake

off his sleepiness.) Dylan, no primping. (Ashamed, DYLAN puts
the mirror away.) Floyd, no -

Both FLOYD and MATT are putting on their pants. As if on cue,

FLOYD suddenly trips and sprawls forward. Immediately, MATT falls,
too, in the same direction.

ROSE: - doing that.

FLOYD: Sorry.

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 MIND OVER MATT

There is a knock on the SR door. MATT and the EGOS all look to the
door.

MRS. SNYDER: (Offstage.) Mr. Lane!

BUTCH: (Groan!) It’s Mrs. Snyder!
MATT: Uh, I’ll be right there. (MATT makes a desperate attempt to
make the apartment a little more presentable.)
ROSE: Okay, Dylan, you’re up.
DYLAN: Again? Why do I always have to handle Mrs. Snyder?
ROSE: You know the rules. Matt has to behave a certain way around
different people, so each of us has our role. When Matt’s hanging
out with the guys, Butch takes over. When he’s talking about
movies or comics, Floyd takes over. When he needs to be
respectful and courteous, I take over. And when he needs to turn

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on the charm . . .
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DYLAN: (Stepping to the front.) Okay, okay. I AM good with the
ladies. But why doesn’t Zeke ever have to drive?

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ROSE: Are you kidding? In what situation would we want HIM to be
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the dominant personality? No offense, Zeke.

ZEKE: Aw, ya booger-eaters!
MRS. SNYDER: (Another knock, getting impatient.) Today!
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MATT: Sorry.
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MATT opens the door and MRS. SNYDER enters. She is a humorless
woman in her 40’s or 50’s, wearing a morning gown, with rollers in her
hair.

MATT: Good morning, Mrs. Snyder. You look very nice today. LOVE
what you’ve done with your h - (Realizing that her hair is in rollers.)
- uh, complexion.
ROSE: (To DYLAN.) This, to you, is charming?
DYLAN: I’m warming up.
MRS. SNYDER: Save it. You’re four days late with your rent again.
MATT: Is that all? Well, I only get paid every other week, but I’m due
for another check in a few days.
MRS. SNYDER: Not my problem. You need to be more responsible.
MATT: Ah, but see, “Responsibility” is my middle name!
MRS. SNYDER: Oh yeah? Is that why you’re here at 10 a.m. on a
weekday, instead of working?
BUTCH: (Charging forward.) Hey! We were up ALL NIGHT working,
you big -
DYLAN: (Stopping his movement.) Let it go.
MATT: Touché. Tell you what. I get paid Friday. How about I get you
the rent then, and I’ll throw in personalized drawings for your

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 BY SCOTT HAAN

grandson? What does he like these days? Pokémon?

Transformers?
MRS. SNYDER: He likes when grandma has food in the cupboard.
MATT: That’s good, too. Say. Can I trust you with a secret? (No
reaction.) Want to know the REAL reason I’m late with my rent
sometimes? (No reaction.) It’s just so that you’ll visit me more!
MRS. SNYDER: (Her expression unchanging.) Can it, Romeo. Just
have the rent under my door by five on Friday.
MATT: Will do. Thanks. (MRS. SNYDER opens the SR door to exit.)
Oh, Mrs. Snyder? One more thing. I’m single at the moment, and I
was wondering . . . Do you have a sister?
MRS. SNYDER: (Deadpan.) Yeah, but I’m not speaking to her. She
owes me rent.

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MRS. SNYDER exits.
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BUTCH: Wow. Tough crowd.

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DYLAN: She loves me.
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ROSE: We would have been better off with Zeke!

DYLAN: Hey, it worked, didn’t it? We got an extension.
FLOYD: Come on, guys. We need to get back to the drawing board.
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ROSE: Literally.
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MATT hurries to the desk, looks down at the artwork there, picks up a
pencil, and starts doing touch-ups. FLOYD walks over and looks over
MATT’S shoulder.

ROSE: How does it look?

FLOYD: Nice. We’re pretty good at this.
BUTCH: When’s it due?
FLOYD: Today, Butch! Mrs. Killian wanted us to turn it in first thing
this morning!
DYLAN: Yeah, and I don’t want her mad at us again.
BUTCH: Aw, you wussies. You’re afraid of a chick?
DYLAN: (Firmly, and dead serious.) YES. Yes I am.
ROSE: She’s frightening.
DYLAN: Killian makes Snyder look like a giggling schoolgirl.

FLOYD, DYLAN and ROSE all murmur in agreement.

BUTCH: Oh, come on. You don’t believe those stories, do you?
FLOYD: I believe in quantifiable statistics. Fact: Every husband Mrs.
Killian has ever had has died under mysterious circumstances.

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 MIND OVER MATT

Fact: Her last assistant disappeared without a warning, and was

never seen again. Coincidence? I don’t think so!
DYLAN: I heard she’s killed five husbands so far.
ROSE: I heard eleven.
ZEKE: Well I heard that you’re all a bunch of lily-livered pansies.
DYLAN: Maybe, but there’s a reason people call Mrs. Killian “Mrs.
Kill-Her-Men” behind her back.
ROSE: I’ve heard that one.
DYLAN: Other people call her “The Black Widow”!
BUTCH: What does THAT mean?
DYLAN: It’s because of the spider. After they mate, the female black
widow always kills and eats the male.
ROSE: Ick.
FLOYD: (Condescendingly, as if this is common knowledge.) False.

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Only the species “Lactrodectus mactans”, indigenous to the
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southeastern United States, routinely engages in sexual
cannibalism.

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BUTCH: You’re a living argument FOR “sexual cannibalism.”
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DYLAN: Let’s just get this job done as fast as possible.

ZEKE: Aw, ya little ankle-biters. You have no idea what “discipline”
is. When I was in the Corps . . .
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DYLAN: (Rolling his eyes.) Here we go.
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ZEKE: . . . We had a commanding officer who was so mean, he’d

shoot one of us in the leg every morning, just to wake us up! And if
you complained, he’d shove you out of an airplane with no
parachute! And YOU guys are scared of a broad!
BUTCH: Zeke’s right. He’s nuts, but he’s right. She ain’t so bad. She
just needs someone to stand up to her. Boss or no boss, she gives
us any crap, you put ME up front. I’ll give her a piece of his mind!

The phone rings. MATT looks at the caller ID and gulps.

MATT: Uh-oh.
FLOYD: It’s HER.
BUTCH: (Suddenly changing his tune.) Uh . . . On second thought,
the rest of you will never change until you learn to stand up for
yourselves. Here, Dylan. Now’s your chance.

BUTCH forces DYLAN to the front, and stands/hides behind him.

DYLAN looks petrified, but instantly puts on his game face smile the
moment MATT answers the phone.

MATT: (Into the phone, he tries to sound confident, but the more she
interrupts, the more flustered he becomes.) Matthew Lane. Oh, hi,

15
 BY SCOTT HAAN

Mrs. Killian. How are – (After a beat, he cringes and looks at his
watch.) Yes. I know, I’m sorry. I’ve got the Nolans campaign right
here, and I’m almost – (Pause.) No. I know it doesn’t grow on
trees. (Both MATT and DYLAN smile, seeing a chance to lighten
the mood with wit. They both make a simultaneous arm gesture
that indicates a wide field.) I wish it did! I’d plant a whole – (Both
MATT and DYLAN grimace as their humor bombs.) No, ma’am.
You’re right, tardiness is NOT a laughing matter.
ROSE: (Slapping DYLAN on the arm.) No humor! She’s immune!
DYLAN: Sorry.

ZEKE falls asleep again and lets out a loud snore. As a result, MATT
audibly yawns into the phone, which elicits an angry reaction from the
other end.

rm for l
rfo ot sa
MATT: No! No, you’re NOT “boring me.” It’s just that I was up all
night working on -

ce
pe N ru

ROSE, BUTCH and FLOYD realize that ZEKE is asleep and rush
over to wake him up.
an
ZEKE: (Startled awake.) Don’t touch my oatmeal!
Pe

ROSE: Zeke! Stay focused!

MATT: Well, just a few more hours. I could have it to you by noon? . .
Great. I’ll see you then. Thank - (Clearly, his party hung up in mid-
sentence.) - you.

MATT hangs up the phone, and to emphasize how spectacularly

poorly that phone call went, he slams his forehead twice on the desk.
Each time, the EGOS all grunt in pain and rub their aching foreheads.

BUTCH: Ow! That’s the kind’a stuff that leads to brain damage!
ROSE: Well. That was pleasant. Who’s in favor of buckling down and
working?

DYLAN, ROSE and FLOYD all raise their hands, rattled by the phone
call. MATT concentrates intently on his artwork, feverishly drawing all
over it.

ZEKE: Bah. Ya hairy-backed Marys.

DYLAN: That woman has issues.
ZEKE: I like her. She’s got fire.

16
 MIND OVER MATT

ROSE: Just think, guys. We’re only a few hours away from finishing
the Nolans campaign. The biggest client we’ve had since we
joined the firm.
FLOYD: It’s been three months, but it’s almost done.
BUTCH: Time to par-tay!
DYLAN: You know, I DO think a celebration is in order. What can we
do to mark the occasion?
ZEKE: Take a nap.
FLOYD: (Raising his hand vigorously.) Oh, oh, I know! There’s a
marathon of all six “Star Wars” movies on the Sci-Fi Channel this
Saturday. Huh? Huh?
ROSE: Nooooooo. Veto.
BUTCH: I got it. I know how we can celebrate. (Dramatic pause.) We
finally grow a spine and ask out that CHICK from the cafeteria.

rm for l
ROSE: (Offended.) Oh, THAT’S charming. We love it when you call
rfo ot sa
us “chicks.” Her name’s Penny Ramsey.
DYLAN: (About to protest automatically, but then has second

ce
thoughts.) This must be a record. I agree with Butch AGAIN.
pe N ru

BUTCH: All right! Dylan’s on board! Who else is with me?

ROSE: (Grudgingly admitting.) Not a bad idea, Butch. She seems
nice.
an
ZEKE: Yeah! Maybe we can get us some smoochies, for a change!
Pe

FLOYD: Did I mention it’s the theatrical version of the original trilogy?
Before George Lucas used CGI to butcher his own masterpiece?
BUTCH: Oh, no. You’re not ruining this for me, Poindexter.
FLOYD: But . . . we don’t know anything about her!
BUTCH: We know she’s hot! What else is there?
FLOYD: For one thing, we don’t even know where she works in the
office plaza!
DYLAN: Exactly! That’s why we need to ask her out, so we can
learn!
FLOYD: But we don’t see her in the lunch room every day. She
probably won’t even show up today.
BUTCH: No problem. I didn’t Google her phone number for nothing.

MATT, whose facial expressions have been registering this internal

debate, pulls a slip of paper from his pocket and looks at it intently,
making a decision.

FLOYD: But –
BUTCH: Forget it. You’re outnumbered. I’m done spying on her
from –
DYLAN: (Quickly interrupting.) ADMIRING her.

17
 BY SCOTT HAAN

BUTCH: Yeah, right. ADMIRING her from behind the yogurt

dispenser because YOU’RE afraid of girls. We’re asking her out,
and that’s final.
ROSE: Floyd, I know you’re scared, but it’s okay. We’ll all do this
together.

FLOYD looks around at the others, who have clearly made up their
minds, and starts to get nervous. Involuntarily, he makes the
strangest sound.

FLOYD: HONK!

FLOYD’S “HONK” is a hideous, ridiculous noise; it sounds like he’s

trying to clear his sinuses and imitate a bus horn at the same time.

rm for l
Every time FLOYD makes this noise, MATT involuntarily crinkles his
rfo ot sa
nose, as if suppressing a sneeze.

ce
ZEKE: What the Honus Wagner was THAT?
pe N ru

BUTCH: (Sigh.) We explain this to you every time, you senile old
coot.
FLOYD: (For the millionth time.) I have a perforated septum. HONK!
an
When I get agitated, I have trouble breathing, and it sounds -
Pe

DYLAN: It sounds like the mating call of a deranged goose.

FLOYD: HONK!
ROSE: (With a comforting hand on FLOYD’S shoulder.) Just calm
down, Floyd. Relax.
ZEKE: How can you have a perforated septum, ya mama’s boy?
You’re not even real!
DYLAN: How can YOU have narcolepsy?
BUTCH: Let’s just do this before the wimp blows it for us.
FLOYD: HONK!

BUTCH steps forward. MATT picks up the phone and dials the
number on the paper, then takes a deep breath. He picks up the
coffee mug from the desk and begins to pace.

FLOYD: I can’t watch.

FLOYD rushes to the other side of the room to get some distance
from the phone, but in his haste, he trips and falls. When he does,
MATT stumbles and spills the mug, splashing coffee onto his artwork.
MATT and the EGOS all gasp.

18
 MIND OVER MATT

MATT: (Picking up his now-soggy artwork.) Oh no! CRAP!!! (Pause

as he hears a voice on the other end.) Uh, no, I wasn’t talking to
you! I mean, hi, Matt, this is Penny! I mean . . .
DYLAN: Oh, THIS is going well.

Lights fade out. End of ACT ONE, SCENE 1.

ACT ONE, SCENE 2

AT RISE:
Friday night. The apartment is empty and dark. MATT opens the SR
door.

MATT: Here we are. (MATT turns on the lights and takes a few steps

rm for l
inside. PENNY tentatively walks in behind him.) Hey, thanks a lot
rfo ot sa
for driving me – (While stepping inside, MATT, who has had a few
beers, accidentally hits the couch with his leg.) Ow! Man! Did you

ce
see that? Couch jumped right out in front of me! (He limps forward,
pe N ru

sits on the far end of the couch, and rubs his aching shin.)
PENNY: I know. And you CLEARLY had the right-of-way.
an
BUTCH, ROSE, DYLAN, ZEKE and FLOYD enter from the open SR
Pe

door, dancing behind PENNY in a conga line. They’re all a little tipsy.
DYLAN’S suit is unkempt - his shirt untucked, his tie loosened.
Singing and laughing, they stop US, behind the couch. They’re not
half-bad, except FLOYD, who always kicks in the opposite direction
from everybody else.

DYLAN: Hey, look at us! We’re a “train of thought”! (Pulls an

imaginary train whistle.) Woo-woo!
FLOYD: All aboard!
ROSE: And we’re a “one-track mind”! Ha! (The EGOS all laugh,
amused with themselves.)
MATT: Thanks again for driving me home.
PENNY: Sure. You’re in no condition to get behind the wheel.
MATT: Yeah. (Sincerely.) You know, that’s really not like me. I’m
usually not much of a drinker.

DYLAN, ROSE, FLOYD and ZEKE all cross their arms and glare at
BUTCH.

BUTCH: (Indicating FLOYD.) Hey, I had to do SOMETHING to

drown out that god awful NOSE thing HE’S been doing all night.
“Honk! Honk!”

19
 BY SCOTT HAAN

FLOYD: I can’t help it if I have inadequate sinus drainage!

MATT: I hope you don’t have a long drive home.
PENNY: Oh, about 20 minutes. Um . . . Is it all right if I powder my
nose before I go?
BUTCH: “Powder my nose”?
MATT: (Pointing to the CS door.) Sure. Straight through there, on
your right.
BUTCH: What is this, 1957?
ROSE: Oh, hush. It’s lady-like.
PENNY: Be right back.

PENNY exits through the CS door. MATT shuts the main SR door,
sits on the couch and rubs his temples. In the back, DYLAN looks at
his mirror and blinks hard.

rm for l
rfo ot sa
DYLAN: Whoa. I see two mirrors, but I’m only holding one!

ce
ZEKE lowers himself into the rocking chair.
pe N ru

FLOYD: You okay, Zeke? You were really “getting jiggy with it” back
there.
an
ZEKE: Aw, I was shaking my groove thing when your grandpappy
Pe

was still in cloth diapers.

FLOYD: That’s what concerns me.
ZEKE: Don’t worry about me. I got the energy of a 20-year-old.
FLOYD: A 20-year-old in Depends!

ZEKE waves him off and shuts his eyes to sleep. ROSE leans over
the couch and looks down at MATT.

ROSE: Look at our little Matt. He’s growing up. (Pause; then, over-
enunciating as if she’s just learning to speak.) Matt.
Mmmmaaaatttttttt. That’s a weird name. I wonder why Bob and
Ellie named us that.

MATT realizes the place is a bit of a mess, stands and tidies up a bit.
He didn’t expect to bring PENNY here, so he throws stuff under the
couch to superficially “clean.”

BUTCH: Prob’ly ‘cause YOU’RE so “melodra-MAT-ic” all the time.

ROSE: Or because you’re so “problem-MAT-ic.”
FLOYD: Dylan is “charis-MAT-ic.” (Snort.)
DYLAN: (Plugging his own nose.) Floyd is “sympto-MAT-ic.”

20
 MIND OVER MATT

FLOYD: (Putting an arm around ZEKE, who is still sleeping.) What

about Zeke?
DYLAN: Well, he’s always sleeping, so . . . “Matt” is for “MATT-ress!”
ROSE: (Giggles, then stops abruptly.) Hey! We’re witty when we’re
drunk!
DYLAN: Guys, is it just me, or does Zeke hang out here a lot more
than he used to?
FLOYD: No, it’s true. When Matt was a kid, we’d only see Zeke once
or twice a week. Now he’s here every day.
ROSE: Might as well get used to him. He’s the C.O.D.
BUTCH: The what?
ROSE: Cranky Old Dude. Every guy has one inside, and the older he
gets, the more his C.O.D. shows up. In time, he’ll probably take
over completely.

rm for l
FLOYD: Is that why Matt gets sleepy earlier now than he did in
rfo ot sa
college?
ROSE: Yep. Thanks to Zeke, he’ll only get more tired and bitter as

ce
the years roll on.
pe N ru

DYLAN: Oh, goody.

PENNY returns through the CS door.

an
Pe

PENNY: This is a nice place, Matt. Ha. Get it? “Place mat”?
MATT: Ha. Yeah, I get it.
PENNY: Well, thanks again for dinner. I had a nice time.
BUTCH: (Rushing to block the SR door.) She’s leavin’! We gotta stop
her!
MATT: My pleasure. You know, you don’t have to run. I mean, can I
offer you something to eat or drink, or . . .
PENNY: (Looking at the door, then back at MATT.) Well . . .
MATT: I promise, I’ll be the perfect gentleman. Scout’s Honor.
FLOYD: We were never in the Boy Scouts!
BUTCH: Shut up! SHE doesn’t know that!
PENNY: I guess I could stay for a minute. Do you have any soda?
MATT: I’ve got Sprite.
PENNY: Great.
MATT: Be right back.

MATT exits into the kitchen. PENNY sits down on the couch. BUTCH
and DYLAN high-five each other from across the room. ROSE goes
behind the couch, looking down at PENNY.

ROSE: (Jokingly, like an overprotective mother.) So. What are your

intentions with our Matt?

21
 BY SCOTT HAAN

BUTCH: (Smirking and leering at PENNY.) Hmm. Better ask what

OUR intentions are with HER.
ROSE: (Slapping his arm.) Oh, you’re such a pig.
BUTCH: Man, why are you even here? Matt’s a guy. Shouldn’t all
parts of his personality be guys?
ROSE: I’m his feminine side. Every male has one. Some more
dominant than others.
BUTCH: (He gathers DYLAN and FLOYD, and the male EGOS
stand together behind ZEKE’S chair.) Whatever. We could run
Matt ourselves, just us four guys. (Holding up four fingers.) As in
“FOR-mat.”
ROSE: (Standing right up to him.) Right. I’m the only one of you
knuckleheads with any people skills. As in “diplo-MAT.”
BUTCH: Oh yeah? Then howzabout using them “people skills” to get

rm for l
us some chicks, for once?
rfo ot sa
ROSE: I am so full of self-loathing right now.

ce
MATT returns from the kitchen with two Sprites, and hands one to
pe N ru

PENNY.

MATT: Here you go.

an
PENNY: Thanks. Are you sure it’s not a problem, leaving your car at
Pe

the restaurant?
MATT: (Sitting down next to her.) Nah. The manager said it’s fine. I’ll
take the bus tomorrow to pick it up.
PENNY: Okay.
ROSE: Let’s learn more about our guest, shall we?
DYLAN: Uh-oh. Here comes the Spanish Inquisition.
MATT: So, you work at Hillside Flowers?
PENNY: Yep. Two years now.
MATT: You like it there?
PENNY: (With a shrug.) It pays the bills.
MATT: Wait. That’s, like, three miles away from the office park. You
drive all that way for lunch?
PENNY: What can I say? They have the best corn dogs.
MATT: Ah.
PENNY: (Looking around.) You live alone here, I take it?
MATT: Yep. You?

ZEKE begins snoring loudly.

PENNY: (Nodding.) Finally got my own place a few months ago.

Living alone has pros and cons, but I miss having - (Against his

22
 MIND OVER MATT

will, MATT yawns, and PENNY stops and raises her eyebrows.)
I’m sorry, am I boring you here?
ROSE: (Looking over at ZEKE.) Oh, Zeke!
MATT: (Sincerely apologetic.) No! No, I’m sorry. Just been working
crazy hours this week.
PENNY: (Smiling.) I understand.
ROSE: (Helping ZEKE to his feet.) Come on. Let’s get you tucked in.
ZEKE: (Half-asleep.) Darn kids, stay off the lawn!

ROSE puts her arm around ZEKE, and they exit through the CS door.
Pause.

FLOYD: (Stepping to the front.) Awkward silence! HONK! Say

something! ANYthing!

rm for l
MATT: Uh . . . A few days ago, I had a dream about William Shatner.
rfo ot sa
BUTCH: What?!? (BUTCH slaps his own forehead.)
DYLAN: Not that!

ce
PENNY: (Simultaneously amused and disturbed.) Huh. Can’t say
pe N ru

that I ever have.

BUTCH: (To PENNY, but aimed at FLOYD.) Of course not, because
you’re NORMAL.
an
PENNY: Big “Star Trek” fan, are you?
Pe

MATT: Oh, yeah. Star Trek and James Bond, my two faves. (Beat.)
Wait. Who do YOU think is the best Bond?
PENNY: I . . . really don’t have an opinion.
MATT: Really? ‘Cause how you answer that question says a lot
about you. For my money, Sean Connery. No contest.
PENNY: Yeah, I know. At dinner, you took a survey, of all the
complete strangers sitting around us. And if they answered
anything other than Connery, you said, “Wrong!”
FLOYD: Well, they ARE wrong.
MATT: (Starting to remember.) Oh, yeah . . .
PENNY: Yeah. And when that one guy said “Timothy Dalton,” you
said, “Well you are clearly a moron, so if you need any help
calculating the tip, just holler.”
MATT: (Aghast, starting to remember this, too.) No.
FLOYD: I can at least understand why the unenlightened might say
“Pierce Brosnan” or “Daniel Craig,” or maybe even “Roger Moore,”
but “Dalton”? They should put that question on the S.A.T., to weed
out the hopelessly stupid.
MATT: Seriously. I am never drinking anything harder than a Sprite,
ever again.

23
 BY SCOTT HAAN

BUTCH, horrified at this statement, charges forward as if to protest.

But DYLAN gets there first, pushing FLOYD to the back and taking
charge.

DYLAN: (To FLOYD.) That’s enough out of you. I’ll handle this.

ROSE returns from CS.

MATT: (Jokingly expressing his shame aloud.) Horribly mortified at

himself, he desperately changes the subject. Um . . . Would you
like to look at my portfolio?
PENNY: That’s not like “Want to come up and see my etchings,” is
it?
MATT: (With a smile.) No. No etchings. Just pen and ink. And

rm for l
PhotoShop.
rfo ot sa
PENNY: Sure.

ce
With drinks in hand, MATT leads PENNY to his desk, sits her down,
pe N ru

and hands her his portfolio. As she begins leafing through it, MATT
grabs a second chair for himself.
an
DYLAN: Okay. This will buy us a moment to figure out what to say
Pe

next.
ROSE: Good. Okay. Everybody, think.

Pause as ROSE, DYLAN and FLOYD all concentrate. BUTCH just

looks on with pity.

BUTCH: Enough thinkin’. Let’s kiss her already!

ROSE: What? She’s practically a stranger!
FLOYD: Yeah! For all we know, she could be, like, a serial killer!
DYLAN: Floyd. She doesn’t look like a serial killer.
FLOYD: Exactly! If you could TELL who the serial killers are just by
looking at them, everybody would avoid them, and nobody would
die.
DYLAN: The scary thing is, that kind of made sense . . .
BUTCH: (Sarcastic.) And, it would explain the machete in her purse.
Listen. Don’t worry. I know how to handle this.
MATT: So . . . uh . . . You’re not a serial killer, are you?
PENNY: (Taken aback by this odd non-sequitur.) Uh . . . Well,
convicted, or . . .
MATT: Yes. Convicted.
PENNY: Well, then, no. No, I’m not.
MATT: (Nodding.) Good to hear.

24
 MIND OVER MATT

BUTCH: (Wiping his hands in a gesture of finality.) Case dismissed.

I’m going in.

BUTCH lifts his arm as if wrapping it around an invisible person’s

shoulder. Unseen by PENNY, who has resumed flipping through the
portfolio, MATT lifts his arm in the same way to try putting it around
her.

ROSE: Cut that out! (ROSE yanks her arm backwards, causing
MATT to suddenly pull his arm away again.)
BUTCH: Stop interfering, Rose. This is our chance! (BUTCH nods,
and MATT begins to lean in a bit closer.)
ROSE: Our chance to get slapped in the face, maybe! (ROSE waves
her hand, and MATT leans back out again. The frustration of this

rm for l
inner conflict plays on MATT’S face. PENNY doesn’t notice any of
rfo ot sa
this.)
BUTCH: That’s it. Time to break out the big guns. Yo, D!

ce
ROSE: (Sarcastic.) Wonderful.
pe N ru

In the CS doorway, the DEVIL (gender flexible, but preferably male)

appears, pitchfork in hand.
an
Pe

DEVIL: You rang?

BUTCH: Little help.
DEVIL: (Walking, suddenly realizing he’s a little wobbly.) Whoa! Are
we DRUNK?
DYLAN: Just a bit.
DEVIL: (Ecstatic, grinning from ear-to-ear.) Awesome! Were we
driving?
FLOYD: No, she drove us home.
DEVIL: (Disappointed.) Aw, too bad.
ROSE: Guess it’s time for the cavalry. (Calling off sweetly.) Excuse
me!

In the CS doorway, the ANGEL appears (again, gender flexible but

preferably male). The ANGEL greets them with a wave.

ANGEL: “Halo,” everybody! Get it? Halo?

BUTCH: (Not his biggest fan.) That has never been funny.
DEVIL: So what’s the pitch?
BUTCH: Check it out. Our boy has a real live girl in his apartment, for
the first time since you were peddling an apple cart in Eden.
DEVIL: (Fondly reminiscing.) Ah, good times. Good times.

25
 BY SCOTT HAAN

BUTCH: But all Mary McMorals here wants to do is shake her hand
and send her home.
DEVIL: Got it. (To the ANGEL.) So how do we settle this?
ANGEL: (Looking back and forth between PENNY and MATT.) You
know what? I’m with Big Red on this one.
ROSE: What?!?
BUTCH: (Pleasantly surprised.) You’re not even gonna put up a
fight?
ANGEL: It’s lonely back there. Hanging around with THIS guy all
day, waiting to help make a judgment call? All we do is play board
games all day, and he cheats.
DEVIL: (Matter-of-fact, with obvious pride.) It’s true. Any chance I
get.
ROSE: (To the ANGEL.) Some help YOU are.

rm for l
ANGEL: Sorry. But even I get tired of wearing white all the time. (To
rfo ot sa
MATT.) Go get ‘em, tiger.
ROSE: (To the ANGEL.) I don’t know who you are anymore.

ce
DEVIL: (To the ANGEL.) Well I’m impressed. (He holds out his
pe N ru

pitchfork.) Here. You’ve earned it.

ANGEL: Ooh, I’ve always wanted to! (Excitedly, he takes the
pitchfork.) Wow. Heavier than it looks.
an
Pe

The DEVIL and ANGEL start to exit towards the CS door, exhanging
the following dialogue as they go:

ANGEL: So what are you in the mood for? Yahtzee, maybe?

DEVIL: Nah. I was thinking Taboo . . . (And they’re gone.)
PENNY: (Finishing the portfolio.) These are excellent. You’re very
talented.
MATT: (Modestly.) Nah, but thank you. Want to see my newest
project? (MATT grabs both copies of the artwork and lays them on
the desk.)
PENNY: Very nice.
MATT: Thanks. It’s an ad campaign for the Nolans franchise.
PENNY: Why are there two?
MATT: Oh, some clumsy idiot, who shall remain nameless because
he is me, spilled coffee on the first one. My boss gave me a few
days to redo it, but she’s not very happy with me. I’m pretty sure if
I don’t turn it in by tomorrow, I am totally fired. And possibly
murdered.
PENNY: You have a strict boss?
MATT: Attila the Hun would wet himself in fear.
PENNY: (Laughing.) I didn’t realize Attila was in advertising.

26
 MIND OVER MATT

MATT laughs, smitten. He and PENNY share a look, and a moment.

FLOYD: Ha! (Snort.) Funny. She’s funny!

BUTCH: Shut up! This is it!

MATT starts to lean in for a kiss. BUTCH pushes FLOYD aside to get
closer to the action. But instead of moving, FLOYD falls, taking
DYLAN down with him. MATT’S arm bumps into his cup, spilling his
drink on PENNY. They both gasp.

MATT: Oh, no. I can’t BELIEVE I -

PENNY: You didn’t ruin your drawing again, did you?
MATT: (Furious with himself.) No . . . Luckily, it all went on you.
PENNY: (With a sense of humor about it.) Brr! Kinda cold!

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MATT: (Stammering.) I am SO . . . SORRY. Can I . . . a towel, or . . .
rfo ot sa
PENNY: No, it’s not that bad. Really. I’m just gonna head home and
change.

ce
pe N ru

A sly smile creeps across BUTCH’S face. DYLAN is dusting himself

off, his attention elsewhere, giving BUTCH the chance to “drive.”
an
MATT: (Innocently.) You sure? If you want to take those off here, I
Pe

don’t mind.

ROSE, DYLAN, FLOYD, and even MATT himself freeze, wide-eyed,

realizing what they just said. PENNY looks at Matt with alarm.
BUTCH continues to grin and nod, pleased with himself. ROSE
clasps her hand over Butch’s mouth to silence him.

ROSE: You creep!

DYLAN stands back up.

DYLAN: (Livid, to BUTCH.) What did you do, you beer-swilling ape?
PENNY: No, I’m just gonna go. Thanks, though.
MATT: Wait. I didn’t mean it like . . . wait. Stay there.

MATT rushes out through the CS door.

ROSE: (Attacking BUTCH.) You know how most people have a filter
in their head to stop them from saying rude, idiotic garbage? Well,
I am Matt’s filter, and YOU . . . are the reason he needs one!!!
DYLAN: Guess I’m in charge of damage control, as usual.

27
 BY SCOTT HAAN

MATT returns from CS with a towel and hands it to PENNY.

MATT: Here.
PENNY: (Using the towel to dry off.) Thanks.
MATT: (Sincerely.) Penny, I’m sorry. This date didn’t turn out very
well. I’m not usually like this, and I . . . should . . . probably just let
you go before there’s grounds for a lawsuit. I’m gonna go hit
myself in the skull with a hammer.
PENNY: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Relax. Maybe watch one of
your Bond movies. I assume you have them on DVD?
MATT: (Busted.) The two-disc Special Editions.
FLOYD: (Boastful.) WITH audio commentary and never-before-
seen - -
BUTCH: Shut up.

rm for l
MATT: (Opening the door for her.) Again, I’m sorry, I . . . (Sadly,
rfo ot sa
quitting while he’s behind.) Good night.
PENNY: (A little sad herself, she hands the towel back.) ‘Night.

ce
Thanks for dinner. (PENNY exits, and MATT watches her go.
pe N ru

BUTCH rushes up to MATT, who then calls out into the hallway
after her.)
MATT: Tell all your friends about me!
an
Pe

He shuts the door, leans against it, and squeezes his eyes shut tight,
in an attempt to wish away the last few minutes.

MATT: (In disbelief over his own words.) “If you want to take them off
here, I don’t mind”? STUPID!!! (MATT smacks himself hard on the
right side of his head, which tilts toward SL. As a result, the EGOS
all stumble/fall in the same direction (toward SL) as if they’ve been
physically shoved.)
BUTCH: Ow! What did WE do?
ROSE: You mean BESIDES making him look like a drunken jerk in
front of the girl he’s had a crush on for weeks?
BUTCH: Yeah! BESIDES that! (MATT collapses on the couch.)
DYLAN: Mental note. Two things we are never allowed to do again:
carry liquids, and talk to people.
BUTCH: That second one might be a problem, what with us
practically joining the priesthood.
ROSE: Oh, good. Maybe we could dump beer on the Pope. (Eagerly,
the DEVIL runs back in through the CS door with a huge smile on
his face.)
DEVIL: Ooh, yeah! Count me in! (Exuberantly, he jabs his pitchfork
in the air. The EGOS roll their eyes and shake their heads.)

28
 MIND OVER MATT

Lights fade out. END OF ACT ONE, SCENE 2.

ACT ONE, SCENE 3

AT RISE:
The next morning. Saturday. MATT is working at his desk. DYLAN,
BUTCH and ROSE are all slumped together on the couch, eyes
closed and miserable. ZEKE is in his usual chair. FLOYD is pacing in
front, lecturing them.

FLOYD: I hope you all learned a valuable lesson last night. That was
a bigger disaster than Jar Jar Binks in “The Phantom Menace.”
Maybe from now on, you’ll listen to me!
BUTCH: (To the other EGOS.) You guys hear somethin’? Like an
annoying little squeak?

rm for l
DYLAN: All I hear is the painful throbbing of my own brain. We’re
rfo ot sa
never gonna drink again, right? I mean it.
ROSE: I feel awful. We really embarrassed that poor girl.

ce
ZEKE: Bah. You want embarrassed? Try having an enemy grenade
pe N ru

explode in the latrine ten feet away, covering you in a week’s

worth of filth from the entire platoon. Happened to me back in
aught nine.
an
DYLAN: “Aught nine”? What war would that be, exactly?
Pe

BUTCH: (To ZEKE, indicating MATT.) Where do you even get these
ridiculous stories? You’re only as old as HE is.
ZEKE: Yeah, but I have wisdom and experience beyond my years,
ya little rattle-chewer.
DYLAN: Beyond your years, but not between your ears.
ROSE: I think we should call and apologize.
FLOYD: You mean talk to her again? After last night?
BUTCH: Yeah! YEAH! We apologize, and maybe she’ll find that so
classy, she’ll be all over us!
ZEKE: Heh-heh. Smoochies.
ROSE: Butch, that’s not what this is about.
DYLAN: No, but you BOTH might be right. We do owe her an
apology, but if we handle it well, maybe we COULD see her again.
FLOYD: I don’t believe this! Did we learn NOTHING?
DYLAN: Floyd, we have to do something about our sad excuse for a
social life.
FLOYD: But we don’t NEED a social life. There is an entire season
of “Battlestar Galactica” on DVD that we haven’t even seen yet.
BUTCH: I just realized. The REAL reason he’s named “Matt” . . . is
because you’re a “DOOR-mat.”
DYLAN: AND because you’re toxic to girls . . . as in “HAZ-mat.”

29
 BY SCOTT HAAN

ZEKE: Bah. Don’t listen to them, Floyd. You’re right to be cautious.

I’m with YOU, buddy.
FLOYD: (Suspiciously.) You are?
ZEKE: (Putting his arm around FLOYD.) Sure. Let’s go talk strategy,
and I’m sure we can convince THEM, too.
FLOYD: (Excited.) Okay! I propose a two-stage plan of attack. (As
they are exiting.) First, we draw up a flow chart showing the direct
correlation between Matt’s dates and the rise of UFO sightings in
the area . . .

ZEKE leads FLOYD out through the CS door. Unseen by FLOYD,

ZEKE signals BUTCH by inclining his head toward the phone, miming
a phone receiver, and lip-synching the words “Call her” as he exits.

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BUTCH: (Bursting with excitement.) Way to go, old man! He just got
rfo ot sa
rid of our inhibitions!
ROSE: (Grudgingly admitting.) Smooth.

ce
BUTCH: (Jumping to the front.) We’re callin’ her!
pe N ru

DYLAN: Good. But we do it MY way. Rose and I will handle this.

YOU just keep your mouth shut.
an
BUTCH does a “zipping-my-lips-and-throwing-away-the-key” gesture
Pe

and stands right next to MATT. MATT picks up the phone and
presses a single button, which BUTCH grandly and simultaneously
pantomimes. MATT takes a deep breath.

BUTCH: It’s ringing.

DYLAN and ROSE step up behind MATT, and BUTCH crosses away.
They all lean in and listen intently for a beat before their faces register
disappointment.

MATT / DYLAN / ROSE: (All together, in perfect harmony but with

dismay.) Aw, man! Voicemail.
MATT: (Into the phone.) Hey. It’s Matt. Sorry I missed you. And, I’m
sorry if things were awkward yesterday. I was a little nervous, but
it’s only because . . . um . . . (He stands and paces.) Listen. We’re
both adults, right? I don’t want to play games. I like you. Okay? I
like you a lot. I think you’re sweet, and funny, and beautiful, and I’d
really like to get to know you better. I just thought you should
know. (Sigh.) There, I said it. So, I guess the ball’s in your court. If
you feel the same way, then call me back. If not, hey . . . bummer,
you know, but I understand. Okay. Bye.

30
 MIND OVER MATT

MATT hangs up the phone, sits back down at his desk, and exhales
deeply. BUTCH stands between DYLAN and ROSE, with an arm
around each of them.

BUTCH: Nice goin’. We might turn this thing around yet.

ROSE: And if not, at least we apologized.

ZEKE returns from the bedroom.

BUTCH: Hey, there’s Zeke! Where’s the geek?

ZEKE: Oh, he’s right behind me.

FLOYD hops back into the room. His legs, hands and mouth have
been bound with duct tape.

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rfo ot sa
ROSE: (Accusatory.) Zeke! (ROSE rushes to FLOYD, pulling the
tape from his mouth as gingerly as possible.)

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FLOYD: Ow! That hurts! I have atopic dermatitis, you know!
pe N ru

ZEKE: Haw haw haw!

ROSE: (To ZEKE, while removing the rest of FLOYD’S tape.) Was
this really necessary?
an
ZEKE: Naw, but it was fun!
Pe

FLOYD: I suppose you already called her.

BUTCH: Yep. Done deal. Left a message on her machine.
FLOYD: I’m surprised you troglodytes could even use a phone
without me.
BUTCH: Oooh, yeah, ‘cause it’s SO hard to push “Redial” and talk!
FLOYD: Well, with the limited mental capacity YOUR pathetic
cranium is - (He stops cold.) Hold on. “RE-dial”? You DO
remember that we called Mrs. Killian last night to tell her about the
Nolans artwork, right?

MATT suddenly sits bolt upright, eyes wide.

MATT: Wait a minute . . .

FLOYD: RIGHT?!?
MATT: (With slowly dawning panic.) Oh no . . .
BUTCH: I do NOW.

MATT frantically pushes buttons on his phone to check the last

number dialed. The answer chills him to the bone, and he jumps to
his feet.

MATT: NO.

31
 BY SCOTT HAAN

DYLAN: You mean, we just said all that . . . to our BOSS?

BUTCH: (Nervous chuckling.) You guys really blew it this time.

ROSE stands motionless, dumbfounded. DYLAN and FLOYD

exchange a glance, then attack BUTCH from either side and drag him
to the ground, out of sight behind the couch. DYLAN and FLOYD
stand back up and begin kicking him. ROSE snaps out of her shock,
grabs ZEKE’S cane, goes behind the couch, and helps with beating
up BUTCH. MATT staggers backwards a few steps and drops onto
the couch.

MATT: (Bellowing his anguish to the sky.) Nooooooooo!

Lights fade out. END OF ACT ONE, INTERMISSION.

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rfo ot sa
ACT TWO, SCENE 1

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AT RISE:
pe N ru

Moments later. FLOYD and DYLAN are still kicking BUTCH behind
the couch, and ROSE is still bashing him with the cane. ZEKE is off to
the side, watching the action. MATT is sitting on the couch, head in
an
his hands. After a moment, ROSE comes to her senses and holds out
Pe

the cane in front of FLOYD and DYLAN to stop the beating.

ROSE: Stop! STOP! What’s wrong with us? What are we, savages?
FLOYD: I know. (Pause as they all reflect on their guilt.) Felt good,
though! Every kick was like therapy!
ROSE: (Remorseful.) Shouldn’t somebody say something?
ZEKE: (Snatching his cane back from ROSE.) I’m hungry.
ROSE: To Butch.
FLOYD: There’s more where that came from!
ROSE: I mean apologize.
DYLAN: (Looking down at BUTCH.) We’re sorry . . . that your
stupidity forced us to hurt you!

BUTCH’S head appears behind the couch; weakly, he hauls himself

up. He’s a mess; his hair is mussed, and his face is dirty and bruised.

BUTCH: (To DYLAN, while rubbing his sore neck.) Gee, thanks. I’m
gettin’ all choked up. (To ROSE and FLOYD.) Ow. For a chick and
a nerd, you guys are surprisingly violent. Floyd. Where did you
learn that stranglehold?
FLOYD: (Beaming.) I have never missed an episode of “Walker,
Texas Ranger.”

32
 MIND OVER MATT

BUTCH: And that makes you proud?!?

ROSE: (To BUTCH.) I owe you an apology. It was the heat of the
moment, and I shouldn’t have overreacted like that. Sorry, Butch.
BUTCH: (Massaging his temple.) Aw, don’t beat yourself up over it.
Oh, wait! You already did!
DYLAN: You okay?
BUTCH: (Indicating FLOYD.) Got a killer headache, thanks to Rocky
Balboa over here. (FLOYD begins shadow-boxing.)
MATT: (Massaging his temple the same way.) Oh, man. Please tell
me I have some aspirin around here somewhere. (He begins
searching the apartment for aspirin, and takes one as the EGOS
continue talking.)
ZEKE: (Mock crying like a baby.) “Waah, my head hurts! Waah!” You
diaper-soilers don’t know from pain. When I was your age, we’d

rm for l
bash ourselves in the head with bricks, just for fun! And if that got
rfo ot sa
boring, we’d roll around on broken glass! Kids today got no
threshhold for pain.

ce
BUTCH: I wish we had some bricks now. I’d LOVE to see you
pe N ru

demonstrate.
ZEKE: Wake me up when you got REAL problems. (And with that,
ZEKE falls asleep again.)
an
FLOYD: (To ROSE.) So how bad is it?
Pe

ROSE: What? You mean the declaration of LOVE we just left on our
boss’s answering machine?
FLOYD: What EXACTLY did we say?
DYLAN: Relax. You’ll hear it again when her attorney presents it as
evidence in court.
ROSE: (Repeating the phone call verbatim, very quickly, in as few
breaths as possible.) We said: “Hey. It’s Matt. Sorry I missed you.
And, I’m sorry if things were awkward yesterday. I was a little
nervous, but it’s only because, um, listen. We’re both adults, right?
I don’t want to play games. I like you. Okay? I like you a lot. I think
you’re sweet, and funny, and beautiful, and I’d really like to get to
know you better. I just thought you should know. There, I said it.
So, I guess the ball’s in your court. If you feel the same way, then
call me back. If not, hey, bummer, you know, but I understand.
Okay. Bye.”
DYLAN: (In awe.) How did you do that?
ROSE: I’m a woman. We always remember every idiotic thing men
say, to use against them in the future. It’s part of our charm.
FLOYD: That’s it. We are sooooo fired.
DYLAN: Oh, calm down. She’s not going to fire him.
FLOYD: She’s not?
DYLAN: Nah. She’ll murder him long before that.

33
 BY SCOTT HAAN

ROSE: Not helping.

FLOYD: Didn’t her machine have a recording?
DYLAN: What, like, “This is the Black Widow. I’m not in my parlor
right now, so leave your name and I’ll devour you later! Tee-hee!”
No, it was one of those stupid (with robotic voice and arm
gestures) “Please-leave-a-message” voices.
FLOYD: Well, is that different from Penny’s machine?
DYLAN: How should I know?!? We’ve only called Penny twice and
she answered both times!
FLOYD: (Gasp!) I just realized. It’s coming true.
ROSE: What is?
FLOYD: “The Severance Package of Doom.”
DYLAN: (Bewildered, after a beat.) Did we get drunk again and I
missed it?

rm for l
FLOYD: (Impatiently, bitter that he has to explain any further.) It’s
rfo ot sa
only a story from the best comic book on the market! “America’s
Super Squad”? (On their blank expressions, he rolls his eyes and

ce
continues. Meanwhile, MATT grabs a comic book, presumably the
pe N ru

same one FLOYD is describing, and sits down on the couch to leaf
through it during Floyd’s recap.) Issue 25. In his secret identity,
Brainstorm works as a telemarketer. Some of his co-workers start
an
disappearing, and he discovers that his boss is murdering
Pe

employees at random. She’s about to make Brainstorm her next

victim, but his teammates - Speed Freak, Mental and Dim Bulb -
rescue him in the nick of time!

Pause.

BUTCH: It’s a miracle you even know what girls LOOK like.
DYLAN: So what do we do?
ROSE: We should tell the truth. I mean, it’s kind of funny, when you
think about it. So we dialed the wrong number. It was an honest
mistake.

MATT rises, settling on this course of action.

BUTCH: (Mimicking a phone call.) “Hello? Hey, Boss! Remember

how I just told you you’re funny and beautiful? Well, I lied. I was
thinking about somebody ELSE. Clearly, YOU’RE ugly and stupid.
Well, see ya at work!” Click.

MATT sits back down again, changing his mind.

34
 MIND OVER MATT

FLOYD: I think we should totally deny it. His voice isn’t that distinct. If
she even mentions it, we’ll pretend it wasn’t us.

MATT rises again.

BUTCH: She’s probably got caller ID, genius.

MATT sits again.

ROSE: Fine. Then what’s YOUR idea, smart guy?

BUTCH: (With a throat-slashing gesture.) Easy. We whack her.

The other EGOS all groan in disgust.

rm for l
BUTCH: Hey, SHE’S done it! Killin’ all those hubbies? It’s poetic
rfo ot sa
justice. We’d be doin’ the world a favor.

ce
MATT rises, seriously contemplating this course of action.
pe N ru

DYLAN: Whoa! Easy there, Tony Soprano!

an
There is a knock on the SR door. MATT walks to the door, looks
Pe

through the peephole, inhales sharply, and flattens his back against
the door, frozen.

MATT: Oh no.

The EGOS are all stricken with expressions of terror.

MATT: (Weakly, already fully aware of the answer.) Who . . . who is

it?
MRS. KILLIAN: (Offstage.) It’s Mrs. Killian.
FLOYD: It’s the Butcher Boss! HONK!

MATT begins to unlock and open the door. The EGOS scramble,
panicking, unsure about what to do.

BUTCH: No, don’t let her in! Now’s our chance . . . Shoot ‘er through
the door!
DYLAN: Oh, sure! Where DID we leave our machine gun?

MATT opens the door and MRS. KILLIAN enters, a no-nonsense

woman in her 50’s. She strides brusquely past him, not waiting for an

35
 BY SCOTT HAAN

invitation. She is carrying a portfolio bag large enough to hold Matt’s

artwork.

MRS. KILLIAN: Matthew.

MATT: Mrs. Killian! What, uh, what are you doing here?
MRS. KILLIAN: I was on my way over to pick up the Nolans artwork.
You promised yesterday that it would be done this morning,
remember?
MATT: (Allowing himself a moment of hope that she hasn’t heard his
message yet.) Oh, right. The Nolans -
MRS. KILLIAN: (Holding up her cell phone.) Then I got a voice mail.
MATT: (Meekly.) Oh.
MRS. KILLIAN: Yes. “Oh.”
MATT: Listen, I can explain –

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MRS. KILLIAN: Sit down, Matthew.
rfo ot sa
MATT: But I just want to –
MRS. KILLIAN: (Not playing around anymore.) SIT. DOWN.

ce
pe N ru

Terrified, MATT sits down on the couch, submissive. Equally afraid,

the EGOS attempt to hide around the apartment - one behind the
couch, one behind the curtain, one next to the desk, etc. - and keep
an
their distance from MRS. KILLIAN. You could hear a pin drop.
Pe

MRS. KILLIAN: (Sternly pacing in front.) Now. I can tolerate a lot of

nonsense. Just yesterday, Jenkins was eight seconds late, and
Reitman wore one navy sock and one black sock. And yet, they
both still have jobs.
MATT: That’s very generous -
MRS. KILLIAN: Are you seriously interrupting me? (MATT goes
dead silent.)
FLOYD: HONK!

FLOYD instantly clasps both hands over his mouth to prevent any
more stray noises.

MRS. KILLIAN: But I absolutely draw the line at inappropriate

romantic entanglements. Nothing destroys morale or productivity
faster than office romance, or even the rumor of one. Our H.R.
department treats this matter with grave importance. (Pause.) And
so do I.
ROSE: Uh-oh.
MRS. KILLIAN: Your employment has to be terminated immediately,
Matthew. Every regulation in our manual is crystal clear about that.

36
 MIND OVER MATT

MATT hangs his head and nods.

FLOYD: (To DYLAN, a hollow victory.) TOLD you we were fired.

MRS. KILLIAN: However, I’m not going to fire you.
MATT: (Hopeful.) You’re not?
MRS. KILLIAN: No. Instead, I’m going to ask you to voluntarily
resign.
MATT: (Depressed again.) Oh.
MRS. KILLIAN: It’s the only way to avoid corporate involvement,
prevent legal action, and keep us both from being subjected to
nasty rumors. You have to quit. I’m sorry, Matthew.
MATT: (Sigh.) No, it’s my fault.

MATT and the EGOS all slump their shoulders in defeat.

rm for l
rfo ot sa
DYLAN: (To BUTCH.) And all because you’re too lazy to dial one
lousy phone number.

ce
BUTCH: Watch it, pretty boy. I’m not too lazy to rearrange your face.
pe N ru

ROSE: (Softly.) Guys.

Something in her tone soothes them both, and their anger drains
away.
an
Pe

MRS. KILLIAN: (Softening a bit, she sits down next to MATT.)

You’re a good employee, Matthew, and a very talented artist. I’m
sorry it has to be this way.
MATT: Me, too.
MRS. KILLIAN: But it’s the only way we can be together.
MATT: (Opens his mouth to speak, then stops, adapts a puzzled
expression, and looks at her.) Wait. What, now?

ZEKE’S eyes pop wide open and he sits bolt upright in his chair.

ZEKE: What’d she say?

MRS. KILLIAN: (Inching closer to a confused MATT on the couch.)
As long as you report to me, nothing could ever happen between
us. And I can’t fire you without explaining why to corporate. But if
you quit . . .

Pause as MRS. KILLIAN walks her fingers up MATT’S arm. DYLAN,

ROSE and FLOYD jump to their feet, freaking out. As KILLIAN’S
fingers walk onto MATT’S left shoulder, DYLAN brushes at his own
left shoulder like there’s a tarantula crawling on him. ZEKE is

37
 BY SCOTT HAAN

stunned, his jaw on the floor. Only BUTCH, who isn’t picking up on
the clues, remains calm.

BUTCH: Yeah . . . ? If we quit, then what?

DYLAN: Oh, catch up, will you?
BUTCH: (For a moment, BUTCH still looks confused. FLOYD helps
by making kissy-faces and indicating MRS. KILLIAN. Finally, the
light bulb turns on, and BUTCH jumps up, revolted.) Whoa! Wait a
minute!

During this dialogue, the EGOS grab each other for moral support,
and they all end up huddling together in fear behind the chair where
ZEKE is sitting.

rm for l
MATT: So you want me to quit so you and I . . .
rfo ot sa
MRS. KILLIAN: I’ll be honest. I was really shocked that you left that
message.

ce
MATT: No more than I was!
pe N ru

MRS. KILLIAN: I mean, I’ve never once picked up any sort of vibe
from you. Truthfully, I never really thought about it, because I’m so
much - (She stops herself.) Uh, I mean, I’m six or seven years
an
older than you.
Pe

BUTCH: Psh! In dog years, maybe!

MRS. KILLIAN: But why should the age difference matter to me
when it obviously doesn’t bother YOU, right?

MATT opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

MRS. KILLIAN: Matthew?

ROSE: Why isn’t he - ?

ZEKE begins to laugh silently, fanning the air in front of himself.

Suddenly, ROSE, DYLAN, BUTCH and FLOYD all get disgusted
looks on their faces.

DYLAN: Zeke! Nasty!

The EGOS step away from ZEKE, gasping and covering their mouths.

ZEKE: Haw haw haw!

MRS. KILLIAN: Well? Say something!
MATT: (Snapping out of it.) Hmm? Oh, sorry. Brain fart.
ROSE: (Stepping forward.) This is getting out of hand. We might still
be able to straighten this mess out, but we have to act NOW.

38
 MIND OVER MATT

MATT: Listen, Mrs. Killian, I have to -

MRS. KILLIAN: “Janet.”
MATT: (Immensely uncomfortable addressing her that way.) “Janet.”
I have to tell you something.
MRS. KILLIAN: (Standing.) Hold that thought. Where’s your
restroom? I need to powder my nose.
BUTCH: “Powder my nose,” AGAIN? What are the odds?
DYLAN: Must be making a comeback.
MATT: (Standing and pointing to the CS door.) Straight through
there, on the right.
MRS. KILLIAN: (Flirty, she slaps his bottom.) Don’t go anywhere!
MATT: (Surprised by the pat, the word “I” is actually a startled yelp.)
IIIIyee . . . wouldn’t dream of it!

rm for l
MRS. KILLIAN leaves through the CS door. MATT and the EGOS,
rfo ot sa
with the exception of ZEKE, all spring toward the SR door at once.
MATT reaches for the knob, then hesitates.

ce
pe N ru

ROSE: Wait. We can’t just leave her in our apartment!

FLOYD: YES WE CAN!!!
DYLAN: I can’t believe this is happening!
an
BUTCH: We should SUE her!
Pe

ROSE: For WHAT?

BUTCH: Sexual harassment!
DYLAN: Yeah, but WE called HER!
FLOYD: (Standing right next to the SR door.) I say we cut our losses
and leave right now! Wherever we end up, we can buy all new
stuff!

Just then, there is another knock on the door, causing FLOYD to

jump about a mile. MATT looks through the peephole. His face
registers a mixture of surprise, joy, terror, and uncertainty about what
to do next.

FLOYD: It’s Penny!

BUTCH: She came back? This is awesome!
ROSE: Not right now, it’s not!
FLOYD: What do we do?
DYLAN: Let’s just tell her it’s a bad time and ask her to come back
later.
BUTCH: Forget that! Let ‘er in, ya putz!
DYLAN: (Jumping on BUTCH’S back.) Are you out of our mind?!?

Tentatively, MATT opens the door, and PENNY is standing outside.

39
 BY SCOTT HAAN

PENNY: Hi.
MATT: Hi! This is a surprise. What are you doing here?
PENNY: I brought you something. Can I come in?
ROSE / FLOYD / DYLAN: (In unison.) No, no, no, no, NO!
BUTCH: (Nodding and grinning like an idiot.) Oh, yeah!
MATT: Um, sure . . .
BUTCH: (Jumping up and down.) She wants to have our baby!
ROSE: (With a sense of urgency.) In case you’ve forgotten, she’s not
the only one.

PENNY enters, hiding something behind her back.

MATT: What is it, a restraining order?

PENNY: Nah; those take a few weeks to process. I checked. (She

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holds out her hands, revealing a plastic bag.) Here. After last
rfo ot sa
night, I thought you could really use these.
MATT: (Taking the bag from her.) This is so sweet, you didn’t have

ce
to get me . . . (Pause as he reaches into the bag and removes the
pe N ru

contents.) Sippy cups.

PENNY: The package says they’re spillproof.
MATT: (Reading the carton.) “Perfect for even the messiest infant.”
an
I’m touched.
Pe

PENNY: I tried to find one with Star Trek or James Bond, but I guess
babies aren’t into that stuff yet.
MATT: No, these are great. Thanks.
PENNY: (Significantly.) You’re welcome, Matt.
MATT: (After a beat, he finally gets it.) Oh. “Welcome mat.” That’s
funny! Ha! Um, Penny, this is sure unexpected. Didn’t think I’d see
you again so soon. Or, well, ever.
PENNY: Well, I was in the neighborhood, and thought I’d volunteer
to drive you back to the restaurant. Save you some bus fare?
ROSE: Sweet gesture, lousy timing. We’ve got to get rid of her.
BUTCH: Get rid of her?!?
MATT: (Leading her back to the SR door.) That’s really nice of you,
but it’s not necessary . . .
PENNY: (Breaking away, she sits down on the couch.) I want to.
Besides . . . gives me a chance to do a little mocking.
BUTCH: (To ROSE.) No way. It’s a miracle she came back. I’m
fighting you on this one.

BUTCH squeezes his eyes shut and holds his breath like a petulant
child, exerting his will over the other EGOS through sheer
concentration to get his way.

40
 MIND OVER MATT

MATT: (Stuck, he can’t seem to bring himself to kick her out.) Won’t
take “no” for an answer, will you?
PENNY: Nope. Ready to go?
MATT: (With a glance at the CS door.) Believe me, I would LOVE to
leave right now, but . . . um . . . I’m thirsty. Could you maybe get
us some drinks first? (He leads her to the SL door.) The glasses
are . . . above the microwave, and Sprites are in the fridge.
FLOYD: Wait, the glasses aren’t –
DYLAN: Shush! We’re stalling her!
FLOYD: (Finally catching on.) Oh!
PENNY: (A little unorthodox, but what the heck.) Oh . . . kay, sure. I’ll
be right back.
MATT: Oh, no rush!

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PENNY exits into the kitchen. MATT begins pacing, running back and
rfo ot sa
forth between the CS and SL doors.

ce
MATT: What is WRONG with me?!?
pe N ru

FLOYD: Way to go, Butch! We can’t deal with her NOW, with Mrs.
Killian hanging around!
BUTCH: Forget her. Just concentrate on the young, hot one.
an
ZEKE: Which one? They’re BOTH young and hot!
Pe

FLOYD: Butch, we’ve got to think about our career! We can’t afford
to lose this job!
BUTCH: Do you even HAVE any hormones? We can’t afford to lose
this CHICK!
FLOYD: Do I have to kick your butt again?
BUTCH: Ha! You and what army, Poindexter? I’m ready for you this
time!

BUTCH adapts a fighting stance. FLOYD launches into the “Karate

Kid” crane pose, balancing on one leg. MRS. KILLIAN returns through
the CS door.

MRS. KILLIAN: Well, Matthew. Your apartment is certainly . . . cozy.

MATT: (With a shrug.) “Be it ever so humble . . .”

MRS. KILLIAN wanders around the apartment. At one point she even
does an index finger dust check, then shakes her head
disapprovingly.

FLOYD: (Still in his crane pose, he gestures with one hand for
BUTCH to come forward.) All right. Bring it.
BUTCH: Oh, it’s on, now!

41
 BY SCOTT HAAN

BUTCH charges toward FLOYD, who shrieks and retreats, running

around the couch. During the following dialogue, BUTCH chases
FLOYD in a circle around the stage.

ROSE: Sheesh. Instead of sippy cups, she should have brought

pacifiers.
DYLAN: So how do we get rid of Mrs. Killian? I can’t concentrate
with these idiots running around.
MRS. KILLIAN: (Sidling right up to MATT.) Where were we? You
were about to tell me something important?
MATT: (Stalling while he thinks of a solution.) Yes, I was, but . . . I’ll
be honest, my mind is RACING right now, you know? It’s, like,
running in circles.
MRS. KILLIAN: Mine, too.

rm for l
rfo ot sa
FLOYD runs out through the CS door, and BUTCH follows.

ce
DYLAN: Finally! (Sudden inspiration.) Ooh, I got it!
pe N ru

MATT: How about we talk over dinner later? Maybe hit that new
seafood place over on Kent?
MRS. KILLIAN: Are you an idiot? We can’t meet in a public place. If
an
anybody sees us together BEFORE you quit, how would that look?
Pe

MATT: (A little stung by her harsh tone.) Um . . . bad?

MRS. KILLIAN: And we can’t go to my place, either. My kids could
drop by unexpectedly.
DYLAN: (Yelling at MRS. KILLIAN, even though she can’t hear him.)
Oh, you mean the kids who are probably HIS AGE?
MRS. KILLIAN: (Running her fingers through MATT’S hair.) What’s
wrong with staying here? We could – (In mid-sentence, she sees
the sippy cup carton on the table, stares at it for a moment, then
picks it up.) What’s this? You don’t have a kid, do you?
MATT: No! No kids. They’re, uh, a gift for my nephew, uh, Sean.
MRS. KILLIAN: Huh. With how clumsy YOU are, you could probably
use these yourself.
MATT: Ha. Good one.
MRS. KILLIAN: I’ve got three kids. And ever since the last one
moved out, I’ve been so . . . lonely.
MATT: Awww. Now a woman as beautiful as you should never be
lonely.

MRS. KILLIAN blushes and looks away. ROSE, DYLAN and even
MATT himself all look surprised, and a little revolted, at the words he
just spoke.

42
 MIND OVER MATT

ROSE: (To DYLAN.) What are you doing?

DYLAN: It’s not me!
ROSE: Well then, who -

DYLAN and ROSE stop and look at ZEKE, who is grinning broadly.

ZEKE: Hey, Dylan’s not the only one who’s good with the ladies.
ROSE: (Sternly escorting ZEKE to the CS door.) Out, Zeke. You’re
making it worse.
ZEKE: You kids better not let this young vixen get away!

ZEKE exits through the CS door.

DYLAN: (To ROSE.) Don’t worry. We can handle this. There hasn’t

rm for l
been a woman yet who could resist the old Dylan charm. (His tone
rfo ot sa
turns flirtatious, and he takes her hands.) But YOU already know
that, don’t you, sweetheart?

ce
ROSE: (Looking at him wearily.) You do realize you’re hitting on
pe N ru

YOURSELF now, right?

DYLAN: (Dropping her hands like hot potatoes.) Oh, yeah . . . Ew.
MRS. KILLIAN: I know what everybody says about me, you know.
an
Killer Killian. Dragon Lady.
Pe

DYLAN: Yep. Heard ‘em both.

MATT: (With mock outrage.) What? Who says that?
MRS. KILLIAN: As a woman in the professional world, you have to
be all-business to be taken seriously. But I’m really not a mean
person. I can be . . . soft.

She starts to lean in for a kiss. MATT jumps to his feet.

MATT: Oh! Hey! I just realized . . . um . . . where did you park?

MRS. KILLIAN: Where did I PARK? The lot right next to your
building. Why?
MATT: The lot next to . . . Oh, no. My landlady is a real jerk about
parking. She’ll tow any car that’s not registered in the office. You’d
better move it, quick.

MATT ushers MRS. KILLIAN to the SR door.

MRS. KILLIAN: Are you kidding me?

MATT: (Checking his watch.) (Gasp!) It’s 11:35! She does her
parking lot inspection at 11:37! You’d better hurry! Go go go!

43
 BY SCOTT HAAN

MATT rushes MRS. KILLIAN out the door and closes it. As soon as
she’s gone, PENNY returns from SL, carrying two glasses of Sprite.

PENNY: I’m back!

MATT: Yay!
PENNY: Sorry it took so long. The glasses weren’t where you said
they were.
MATT: No? Oh, that’s right, I moved ‘em last week. Sorry about that!
PENNY: Hey, I have an idea.

PENNY proceeds to open the package of sippy cups and pour the
Sprites into them. Meanwhile, BUTCH enters from SL, now wearing
military fatigues and carrying a toy gun and a walkie-talkie.

rm for l
BUTCH: All right, where’s the shrimp?
rfo ot sa
Rolling his eyes, DYLAN points to the CS door, and BUTCH exits

ce
through it. Just then, FLOYD enters from the SL door. He is now clad
pe N ru

in a Star Trek-style outfit, complete with pointy Vulcan ears and ill-
fitting pants worn ridiculously high. He is carrying a flip-front cell
phone.
an
Pe

FLOYD: (Into the cell phone, lost in the role.) Captain’s Log. I’ve
tracked the hostile invader to this strange, desolate planet.
ROSE: Unbelievable.
FLOYD: Ooh, a native! Excuse me, miss, I’m looking for an alien
slime creature? Answers to “Butch”?
ROSE: Floyd, now is not the time.
FLOYD: (Into the cell phone.) Locals are proving uncooperative.
Must continue the search alone. (He flips the phone closed,
making a little electronic noise to match the action.)
ROSE: Cut it out!

ROSE charges toward FLOYD, who exits through the CS door.

PENNY finishes pouring the drinks and tightening the lids, then hands
one to MATT.

PENNY: Cheers! (They clink cups, then each take a sip.)

MATT: Mmm. Good.
PENNY: I’m not getting much out of mine.
MATT: (As if having an epiphany.) Popcorn!
PENNY: What?
MATT: I’m in the mood for popcorn.
PENNY: Oh.

44
 MIND OVER MATT

MATT: Would you mind?

PENNY: (Confused.) Wait. You want ME to make –
MATT: (Gratefully, as if she volunteered.) That would be GREAT.
(He pushes her towards the kitchen.) It’s in the cupboard above
the sink.
PENNY: (Her tone conveys that this is getting old, fast.) All right.

Exasperated, PENNY exits SL. Immediately, MRS. KILLIAN returns

through the SR door.

MRS. KILLIAN: I moved my car, but I didn’t see your landlord out
there “inspecting the parking lot.”
MATT: No?

rm for l
MATT smacks his forehead. DYLAN and ROSE grimace and touch
rfo ot sa
their foreheads as if smacked themselves.

ce
MATT: Duh! It’s Saturday! That’s when she plays in her, uh, paintball
pe N ru

league. My bad.
MRS. KILLIAN: Say, you’re cute when you’re flustered. Come here.
(She starts toward him. Instinctively, he takes a step back.) Ooh,
an
playing hard-to-get, huh? I like that!
Pe

MRS. KILLIAN’S stride quickens and soon, she is chasing MATT

around the couch. As she does, ZEKE returns from CS, snazzily
dressed in an antique-looking suit, carrying flowers. He scans the
room for MRS. KILLIAN, licks his palm, then runs his hand through
his hair to slick it back. ROSE does a double-take at him, then shakes
her head. ZEKE joins in the chase, in hot pursuit of MRS. KILLIAN,
but moving far too slowly to catch them.

ZEKE: Wait! Wait for me!

MRS. KILLIAN: (To MATT.) Will you stand still?
MATT: (Wide-eyed and scared.) Nuh-uh! (Resuming the fake-flirty
act.) I mean, uh, the thrill is in the chase, you know!
MRS. KILLIAN: (Stopping to wipe her forehead.) Well, “the chase” is
making me sweaty . . . and hot. I’ll be right back.
MATT: No, take your time! PLEASE!

MRS. KILLIAN exits CS. ZEKE follows her out like a puppy dog.
PENNY immediately enters SL.

PENNY: I’ve got the popcorn going. THAT’s not where you said it
was either, by the way.

45
 BY SCOTT HAAN

MATT: Really? Weird.

PENNY: Have you ever BEEN in your kitchen?
MATT: Oh, yeah, all the time. It’s where I keep the Cheetos.
PENNY: At least you’re not one of those annoying health food nuts. I
know I should eat better and exercise more, but I have no
motivation. Although I do like to do a little yoga, Matt.
MATT: Well, that’s - (Understanding her pun, he groans.) “Yoga
mat.” Yeah. Good one. So, um, is the popcorn done yet?
PENNY: Nah, it’ll be a few minutes, so I thought I’d wait out here with
you.
MATT: Oh, you don’t wanna do that. I’m boring.
PENNY: (Sarcastic.) Ha-ha. So have you done any more on your
artwork?
MATT: Um . . . Yeah, a little.

rm for l
rfo ot sa
PENNY walks to the desk, followed by MATT. BUTCH and FLOYD
burst through the CS door, grappling. BUTCH has the upper hand.

ce
pe N ru

BUTCH: Say it!

FLOYD: Never!
BUTCH: Say “Butch is cool and I’m a pathetic loser!”
an
DYLAN: Guys, enough. We have to get rid of Mrs. Killian.
Pe

ROSE: So what’s the plan?

BUTCH: The plan is, I’m gonna beat this little twerp so bad, his
mama will feel it.
FLOYD: She’s your mama, too!
ROSE: (Overpowering both of them, she tears them apart.) Guys! I
will pulverize BOTH of you if you don’t FOCUS!
PENNY: (Admiring the artwork.) Matt, this is really good. Your boss
is going to LOVE you for this.
MATT: (With a nervous glance at the CS door.) Oh, I hope not.
PENNY: What’s wrong? You seem a little distracted.
MATT: Sorry. It’s just that I . . . don’t think you should leave the
popcorn unattended. I mean, that could be a fire hazard!
PENNY: (Jokingly.) Well, you’ve got renter’s insurance, right?
MATT: (Scooting her towards the SL door.) Yeah, but I didn’t spring
for the Orville Redenbacher coverage. That was extra.
PENNY: All right, all right.
MATT: And can you get some bowls while you’re in there? They’re
down in the -
PENNY: (Cutting him off.) I’ll find them. I don’t trust you.

PENNY exits SL. Instantly, MRS. KILLIAN appears in the CS

doorway, provocatively dressed in the same t-shirt MATT wore in the

46
 MIND OVER MATT

very first scene, along with men’s boxer shorts. She strikes a come-
hither pose.

MRS. KILLIAN: I’m ba-aack!

All jaws, including MATT and the EGOS, hit the floor. ZEKE returns
from CS and admires MRS. KILLIAN.

ZEKE: Hubba hubba!

DYLAN: I think she powdered more than her nose!
BUTCH: Aw, man, shut up!
ROSE: Wait, wasn’t that shirt on the dirty laundry pile? It isn’t even
clean!
FLOYD: (Incredulous.) THAT’S your big concern right now?!?

rm for l
MRS. KILLIAN: Well? What do you think?
rfo ot sa
MATT: I . . . wouldn’t even know where to begin.
MRS. KILLIAN: (Sitting on the couch and patting the cushion next to

ce
her.) Here. Sit.
pe N ru

MATT: Oh, I really don’t think -

MRS. KILLIAN: (Back in scary boss mode.) NOW.
MATT: Okay.
an
Pe

Meekly, MATT sits on the couch, leaving some distance between

them. Pleasant again, MRS. KILLIAN scoots closer and puts her hand
on his knee.

MRS. KILLIAN: That’s better. Now. Would you like something to

drink?
MATT: Desperately.
MRS. KILLIAN: (Leaning in even closer.) Maybe you could run into
the kitchen and make – (Suddenly, she notices the opened sippy
cups.) You opened the cups? I thought they were a gift for your
nephew.
MATT: They are. But . . . he’s . . . not good at opening packages yet.
Thought I’d save him the hassle.
MRS. KILLIAN: (Picking them up.) They’re both full.
MATT: Yep. (Brief pause.) Yep. Just testing. (He takes one cup from
her and shakes it upside down.) Wanted to make sure they were
REALLY spill-proof before I gave ‘em to little . . . um . . . Connor.
MRS. KILLIAN: I thought you said his name was Sean.
MATT: It is. Um, that’s his FULL name. Sean Connor.
BUTCH: (To FLOYD.) “Sean Connor”? Gee, I wonder who planted
THOSE names in his head!
FLOYD: Oops.

47
 BY SCOTT HAAN

MRS. KILLIAN: Something fishy is going on here.

MATT: Fishy?

MRS. KILLIAN stands and looks around the apartment suspiciously.

FLOYD: She’s onto us!

BUTCH: Ya think?
ZEKE: (Admiringly.) She’s a smart cookie, that one!
DYLAN: This is a disaster!
ROSE: (Firmly.) None of this would have happened if you guys
would let me help with some of the decisions around here!
DYLAN: What are you talking about? We don’t leave you out of any
decisions!
ROSE: Oh, yeah? What about the dirty magazine hidden under

rm for l
Matt’s bed, huh? I wasn’t consulted about THAT!
rfo ot sa
DYLAN, BUTCH, FLOYD and ZEKE exchange confused looks that

ce
soon turn into wide-eyed excitement. They simultaneously race for
pe N ru

the CS door, causing a bottleneck as they all try to crowd through at

once. ROSE proudly dusts off her hands.
an
ROSE: Girls rule, boys drool. (Taking a deep breath to gather
Pe

herself.) Okay. Now let’s see what we can do to clean up this

mess. (She stands next to MATT and stays right by his side during
his speech.)
MATT: Janet . . . (Pause as his tone becomes earnest.) You’re right.
Something IS off here, but it’s reeeee-ally hard to explain. I really
need to sit down with you and talk about this. Probably with an
attorney present. But now’s not the best time. For one thing, the
guys in Digital are waiting for the artwork, right? So maybe you
should take this to the office, get the customer taken care of, and
we can meet later and talk. Okay? (Pause for deliberation.)
MRS. KILLIAN: Sensible. How about I come back around six?
MATT: Six it is.

MRS. KILLIAN retrieves the portfolio bag and begins to carefully put
the artwork inside, as MATT watches. Just then, DYLAN, BUTCH,
FLOYD and ZEKE return through the CS door.

BUTCH: I’m telling you, I didn’t move it!

DYLAN: Don’t look at me! I don’t remember even buying one!
BUTCH: Me either!
FLOYD: But Rose said . . . (ROSE smiles and thumbs her nose at
them.)

48
 MIND OVER MATT

DYLAN: Hey! She tricked us!

ROSE: (Triumphantly.) Yep, and it worked.

ROSE gestures towards MRS. KILLIAN, and the male EGOS realize
she is packing up to go.

FLOYD: (Joyous.) She’s leaving!

BUTCH: YES!
ZEKE: No!
DYLAN: Way to go, Rose!

The EGOS, with the exception of a lovelorn ZEKE, high-five and

congratulate each other. FLOYD shakes ROSE’S hand to thank her,
but BUTCH roughly pushes him aside to do the same.

rm for l
rfo ot sa
FLOYD: Watch it, Wookie-breath!

ce
FLOYD gives BUTCH a puny shove. BUTCH shoves back, and
pe N ru

FLOYD falls to the ground. MATT trips and falls too, right into MRS.
KILLIAN. She ends up lying on her back on the couch, with MATT on
top of her. At this moment, PENNY returns from SL carrying popcorn
an
in a big serving bowl, plus two small empty bowls.
Pe

PENNY: Fresh, buttery popcorn! Get it while it’s . . . (Seeing the two
figures on the couch.) . . . hot?

The EGOS all freeze. MATT and MRS. KILLIAN look up from the
couch, both looking like deer in the headlights. After a moment, the
look on MRS. KILLIAN’S face transforms into one of recognition.

MRS. KILLIAN: Penny?

PENNY: MOM?
MATT: MOM?!?
FLOYD: HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK! HONK!

Lights fade out. End of ACT TWO, SCENE 1.

49
 BY SCOTT HAAN

ACT TWO, SCENE 2

AT RISE:
A few minutes later. MATT sits in the center of the couch, with a
furious PENNY and a mortified MRS. KILLIAN on either side. Based
on his expression, he wishes the earth would swallow him whole.
MRS. KILLIAN is now dressed more modestly, with a jacket covering
MATT’S t-shirt. PENNY has Mrs. Killian’s cell phone up to her ear.
The EGOS are scattered around the back.

ROSE: Oh, this is bad.

BUTCH: Yeah, but at least we know Zeke has seen worse, in his
day.
ZEKE: Nope. Never seen anything like THIS before.

rm for l
rfo ot sa
PENNY hangs up the cell phone and hands it back to MRS. KILLIAN.

ce
PENNY: And you thought that message was for YOU?
pe N ru

MRS. KILLIAN: (Painfully aware of how absurd that now sounds.)

Well . . . at the time . . .
DYLAN: I’m sure SOME-body has been in a situation more awkward
an
than this, but I can’t imagine what.
Pe

PENNY: So you rushed over here hoping what, mom? That he’d get
you pregnant and I’d get a new baby brother?
DYLAN: Oooh. I take it back.
ROSE: Maybe if we all concentrate, we can make him spontaneously
combust.
MATT: (Starting to stand.) Should I leave, or . . .
PENNY / MRS. KILLIAN: (In unison, barking an order the same
way.) NO!!!

Meekly, MATT sits back down.

BUTCH: Wow. Like mother, like daughter.

FLOYD: (Confused.) But their last names are different!
ROSE: (Indicating MRS. KILLIAN.) She re-married.
FLOYD: Oh, yeah!
MRS. KILLIAN: Pen, I had no idea you two were dating! Ever since
you moved out, we don’t talk about this stuff anymore!
PENNY: Gee, mom, I’d love to get together and talk about boys. I
just didn’t think it would be the SAME boys!
MATT: So THAT’S why you eat at my office plaza.
PENNY: Right. I go there to visit HER, but she’s usually “too busy”
for me, and I end up eating alone.

50
 MIND OVER MATT

MRS. KILLIAN: Penny . . .

PENNY: I can’t believe you would do this. I mean, WHAT were you
thinking?
MRS. KILLIAN: I wasn’t! I mean, I . . . I wasn’t thinking CLEARLY. I
can’t explain it.
MATT: Maybe I can. (Both WOMEN glare at him. Suddenly in the hot
seat, he stands.) Well, see, I have this theory that we all have
different personalities in our heads, and they take over at different
times. I know I do.
PENNY: You mean you’re schizophrenic?
MATT: No, no. I mean, like, we have different aspects to our
personality. Sometimes, one might be more dominant than the
others. In unfamiliar situations, the nervous one takes over. In
times of frustration, the grumpy one grabs the wheel. And so on.

rm for l
We can all be shy or bold, charming or crabby, sane or completely
rfo ot sa
NUTS. Just depends on which of those little guys in your head is
driving at the time.

ce
ROSE: Or girls.
pe N ru

MATT: So these little brain people all have different functions, but we
need them ALL for balance, and to keep us on an even keel.
Maybe you’ve got one up there who’s a little . . .
an
PENNY: Desperate? Psychotic?
Pe

MATT: I was about to say “lonely.”

MRS. KILLIAN: (In a moment of self-analysis.) No. I’ve got a few up
there who are completely insane. And ever since my last husband
died, I think they’ve taken over permanently.
MATT: But that’s understandable. I’m sure when your husband, uh,
died, it must have been very hard to process.
MRS. KILLIAN: Ha! I caught that little quiver in your voice. You’ve
heard all those rumors, haven’t you?
MATT: (Playing the innocent, unconvincingly.) Rumors?
PENNY: Which version did you hear? The meat cleaver or the
chainsaw?
MATT: (Feigning ignorance, at first.) I’ve never heard - (On their
death glares, he stops mid-sentence. Busted, he admits the truth.)
Um, it was a wood chipper . . . ?
MRS. KILLIAN: (With a smile at PENNY.) That’s new! (To MATT.)
For the record, it was lung cancer. Shocking, considering he only
smoked three packs a day for twenty years.
MATT: (Sincerely.) Sorry to hear that.
PENNY: And, in case you’re wondering . . . her assistant, Justin?
She didn’t kill him, either. He got married and moved to Baltimore.
MRS. KILLIAN: I hated to lose him.
PENNY: I’ll bet. He was your target age range.

51
 BY SCOTT HAAN

MRS. KILLIAN: I don’t know what to say. I’m an idiot. I made a

complete fool of myself.
MATT: No, you didn’t.
PENNY / BUTCH / ROSE / DYLAN / FLOYD: (In unison.) Yeah, you
did.
PENNY: Mom, you’ve been acting strange ever since Max died.
MRS. KILLIAN: I know.
PENNY: All you do is work anymore.
MRS. KILLIAN: I know, and I . . . (Suddenly remembering.) Oh
shoot! The Nolans campaign! (She grabs the portfolio bag from
the drafting table.)
PENNY: (Throwing her hands up.) I rest my case.
MRS. KILLIAN: I’m sorry, I NEED to run this in. Listen, let’s talk
tonight, Pen. I’ll buy you dinner. And, probably, a Lamborghini.

rm for l
PENNY: Cherry red convertible, with leather seats. (Sigh.) I’ll be
rfo ot sa
there at six.
MRS. KILLIAN: And Matthew, I’ll . . . uh . . . get your shirt back to

ce
you later.
pe N ru

BUTCH / DYLAN / FLOYD: (Overlapping frantic protests.) No no no,

you keep it! / No. Bury it! Bury it deep in the ground! / No, that’s
okay, it looks better on you!
an
MATT: No hurry.
Pe

MRS. KILLIAN: Matthew, I will see you Monday morning. When we

will begin the long journey of NEVER speaking of this again.
MATT: (Feigning confusion.) Speaking of what?

With a grateful smile, MRS. KILLIAN rushes out SR, taking the
portfolio bag. ZEKE walks to the door behind her.

ZEKE: Wait! Don’t go!

MATT: (To PENNY.) I can’t believe she’s your mom.
PENNY: I can’t believe she was trying to make YOU my new step-
father!
MATT: (Sitting down with her.) Don’t even joke about that.
PENNY: Honestly? Don’t tell her I said so, but she’s not so bad. In
fact, she’s said nothing but nice things about YOU. Says you’re
“one of the good ones.”
MATT: (Stunned and flattered.) She said that? That’s – (Pause for
realization.) Wait. You knew I worked for your mom all along, and
you didn’t say anything?
PENNY: (Busted, trying to think of an excuse.) Well, I . . . (Giving up,
she becomes apologetic.) I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to deceive you.
But be honest. Would you have asked me out if you knew I was
your boss’s daughter?

52
 MIND OVER MATT

MATT searches his heart and the EGOS exchange looks as if to

confer. Then, with a pained smile, MATT admits the truth.

MATT: Not in a million years.

PENNY: See?
MATT: (Sincere.) But I’m really glad I did.
PENNY: Me, too.

PENNY gives MATT a playful shove and he falls onto his side of the
couch, playing along. All EGOS are smiling except ZEKE, who is
staring longingly at the door.

DYLAN: Hey. What’s wrong, Zeke?

ZEKE: I miss Janet.

rm for l
DYLAN: Aw, cheer up. Don’t forget, this is her daughter. Maybe in 30
rfo ot sa
years, Penny will be the spitting image of her mom.
ZEKE: (Cheering up.) Yeah? Ya think?

ce
MATT: Still willing to drive me to my car?
pe N ru

PENNY: Yeah, but I’ve got some time to kill first, and there’s some
perfectly good popcorn here. Why don’t you show me one of those
Bond movies you’re so fond of?
an
Pe

FLOYD lights up with delight, a hand on his heart. ROSE fans him off.

ROSE: Uh-oh. I think Floyd might hyperventilate.

MATT: Really?!? Great! We’ll start with “Goldfinger.” Now it’s not the
first one, but it’s the best! Two seconds!

Elated, MATT rushes to the TV, turns it on, gets the DVD, puts it into
the player, adjusts the volume, etc. during the following dialogue.

DYLAN: (To FLOYD.) You okay, big guy?

FLOYD: Am I okay? Everybody conga!!!

And with that, FLOYD leads the other EGOS out the CS door in a
conga line, perfectly in step. An exuberant ZEKE even throws his
cane aside to join in. The EGOS exit.

From here, choose either ENDING OPTION #1 or ENDING

OPTION #2 (depending on your resources and cast availability).

53
 BY SCOTT HAAN

ENDING OPTION #1

As soon as the EGOS are gone, five new EGOS - four female and
one male - enter through the same CS door and walk up to the couch.
These are PENNY’S EGOS, and each one is a counterpart to one of
MATT’S. MYRTLE is a shy bookworm with glasses, looking like a
meek librarian; JESSICA is boy-crazy, dressed casually, a little rough
around the edges; BUFFY is beautiful and glamorous, all dolled up;
GERTRUDE is a grouchy, stern-looking older woman; and young
ADAM is the sole male of the group.

JESSICA: All right! Our girl is finally alone with a BOY!

BUFFY: And he’s a cutie!
GERTRUDE: Yeah! Heh heh! Smoochies!

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ADAM: Maybe someday, this could lead to “MAT-rimony.”
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JESSICA: (To ADAM, sternly.) Seriously. You have to STOP that.
BUFFY: Shh! Quiet, you guys! The movie’s starting!

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MATT sits down on the couch and puts his arm around PENNY, who
snuggles into him. They both look happy. James Bond-ish theme
music begins to play.
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MYRTLE: (Nervous.) Ohh, he’s touching us!

ADAM: (With a sly smile.) Good, because it’s time to Bond.
JESSICA: (Advancing on ADAM, cracking her knuckles.) Oh, that’s
IT!
MYRTLE: HONK!

Embarrassed, MYRTLE covers her mouth. The other EGOS roll their
eyes. MATT and PENNY look content. Lights fade out.

THE END
ENDING OPTION #1 casting requirements:

Minimum cast: Thirteen [the DEVIL and ANGEL must double as two
of PENNY’S EGOS, and one must also triple as MRS. SNYDER].

Maximum cast: Sixteen [with unique actors in every role].

54
 MIND OVER MATT

ENDING OPTION #2

As soon as the EGOS are gone, the DEVIL and ANGEL (gender
flexible, but preferably both female this time) return through the same
CS door and walk up to the couch. It needs to be clear to the
audience, through blocking and dialogue and possibly gender, that
these are PENNY’S DEVIL and ANGEL this time. The DEVIL places
her hands on PENNY’S shoulders.

DEVIL: All right! Our girl is finally alone with a BOY!

ANGEL: It’s a proud day.
DEVIL: So, who takes her from here?
ANGEL: Rock-paper-scissors. (They each pound their fist three
times. On the third time, the ANGEL makes a rock, and the DEVIL

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makes scissors.)
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DEVIL: (Disappointed.) Aw, man! Fine. She’s all yours.

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Sulking, the DEVIL shuffles out through the CS door. MATT sits down
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on the couch and puts his arm around PENNY, who snuggles into
him. They both look happy. James Bond-ish theme music begins to
play.
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ANGEL: (Looking down at the couple, with a sly smile.) Now. Time to
Bond.
PENNY: (Smiling at MATT.) Huh. Something tells me this could be a
“MAT-ch” . . .
ANGEL: . . . Made in heaven. (Lights fade out.)

THE END
ENDING OPTION #2 casting requirements:

Minimum cast: Ten [the same two actors must portray both sets of
DEVILS and ANGELS, although they could switch roles for their
reappearance at the end, and one must also double as MRS.
SNYDER].

Maximum cast: Thirteen [with unique actors in every role].

55
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56
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NOTES
BY SCOTT HAAN

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