January 30, 2010

Divine Therapy Study Group – Week 9

We had our third meeting of 2010 on Tuesday January 26. We gathered at 7:15 in Sister
Rose’s office and had an interesting conversation about the early days of Contemplative
Outreach. When the centering prayer started at 7:30 we used a tape that is timed for 20
minutes of silence with gentle music at start and finish. I appreciated this as I could fully
enter into the silence and not be concerned about watching the timer. Reminder that if
you arrive after 7:30 please enter quietly (door is unlocked so you don’t need to ring the
doorbell) and take a seat.

This week we continued with the reading around Step 2 but only made it through a few
paragraphs – middle of page 24 to the top of page 26. We had more discussion around a
smaller amount of text, but this is the way the work of Fr. Keating and Tom S. can be
appreciated and used for healing. We’re not on a race to the final page, but enjoying the
journey.
Step 2: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

“An addictive person, especially one who genetically has an addictive personality, or
who is an obsessive/compulsive personality, is a sitting duck for some kind of
emotional high that will relieve him or her of the pain that flows from the
consequences of being set up that way.” (p.24)

It’s such a vicious circle - I am in psychic pain, I relieve it with

drugs/alcohol/food/relationships/shopping until this no longer works, I stop the addictive
behavior and now am faced with the original psychic pain compounded by the pain of
trying to stop my addictive behavior.

Living small, within the container of my isolated world as a child and teenager, I had
systems in place that protected me. I grew up in a housing project in South Boston and
tried to disappear in sugar, reading, walking, and religion. It was only when I attempted
to extend myself beyond the extremely tiny part of the world I occupied and go to college
that big trouble began.

“AA is a marvelous program of becoming a full human being without being

dominated by an addictive program that is tearing you apart.”(p.24)

I love that Father Keating sees AA as “a program of becoming a full human being’…
If, every day, I’m working towards becoming a full human being then my time on earth
isn’t wasted. Surely during the years spent buried in my addiction I was not contributing
toward finding and releasing my authentic self. In the years before I started drinking I
was emotionally immobilized from the childhood wounds around polio and a runaway
father. I surely was in a frantic search for security, affection, approval and control.

Looking back to Page 7 I’m reminded that the traumatic life events I experienced as a
young child, combined with the genetic probability for alcoholism from a long line of
Irish Catholic drunks on my father’s side, and untreated emotional issues on my mother’s
side, made me a perfect candidate for a life of addiction.

Making it even more complicated is that so much of what moves us is unconscious.

Father Keating says on Page 7 that “many of our deepest commitments to symbols for
security, power, and affection are rooted in desires that are absolutely impossible to
achieve because 90% of these desires are unconscious.” So I go along, dealing with
myself and my world to the best of my ability, but then find out that this known world is
only 10% of the activity inside my mind and emotions. How scary is that?? How do any
of us ever get well??

Relating this to my own story I realized I had emerged from the two serious
psychologically damaging traumas (polio and disappearing father) obsessed with
survival/security, affection/approval, power/control and 90% of this emotional program
was below the level of consciousness in my five year old mind/body. So, from that
young age I started living in fearful reaction to every situation. Already I was set up for a
serious addiction problem.

“…if we attend the meetings and help each other climb out of the swamp… the
energy we used to put into security issues, approval by everyone, or controlling
everybody will be available for growth and health.” (p.25)

Yes, this is absolutely true. Putting down the drink, going to meetings, working the steps,
sharing with my sponsor and developing an 11th step practice did help me climb out of the
swamp. Eventually, though, I had to face the fact that my addictive behavior was not the
problem, only my temporary (20 year) perceived solution to the problem.

I came to a stepping off place in sobriety where I became well enough to look at the big
picture, not just my drinking problem, and develop a plan of action for healing the larger
issues. I grieved all those lost years – the ones before, during, and after my active
addiction years. It’s taken a long time. I now know it’s the work of this lifetime, meant
to be shared, and to use to help others in recovery discover the spiritual solution.

During the meeting we had an interesting discussion about sponsorship and about
feelings:

Sponsorship – how and why it works – and what makes a good sponsor?
Feelings – how do we come to understand we are not our feelings? That our authentic
self is intact and whole -- separate from our reactions and physical/emotional responses.

“Once you dis-identify with your feelings you know that you can change them. You
are not your feelings. But you have to stay alert. (p.26)

Blessings to everyone and hope to see you on February 2. Have a great week!