Slightly Used Tomb

A fictional monologue about a person who has inherited Jesus’ tomb but can’t sell it
because no one wants a used tomb, no matter how short the stay was.

Good morning, good morning, what a fine batch of people we’ve got here today. You look like you’re all
pretty smart folks, too. Mind if I ask you a question? What’s the mortality rate in this fine country of ours?
I’ll tell you it’s 100%. Every person who is born, sometime or other – usually at the end of his life – dies.
And every one of you will one day need to buy a house. Now, I’m not talking about houses like you’ve got
out behind the church, there. Nice house and all, but that’s not the kind of house I’m talking about. I’m
talking about the kind of house you find in the Mason Cemetery. You say, “Well, George” – that’s my name,
George – you say, “Well, George, what do you mean?” I’ll tell you what I mean by telling you a joke I read.
From that guy Bill . . . Bill . . . Bill Shakespeare. Heard of him? Oh, he used to call himself “William,” but to
the guys down at the theatre he was always “Bill”. Here’s the joke: “What is he that builds stronger than
either the mason, the shipwright, or the carpenter?” What do you think? Who builds stronger than a mason, a
shipwright, or a carpenter? The answer is: “a gravemaker: the houses he makes lasts till doomsday.” Funny
guy, that Bill. Know what’s even funnier? Well, it’s not funny “ha-ha” funny, but it’s that weird kinda “I
think I left the iron on back at home” kinda funny: I am a direct descendant of the world’s worst gravemaker.
To quote old Bill again, “Tis true ‘tis pity, and ‘tis pity ‘tis true.” He was a Jewish fellow lived back about
seventy generations or so. That would make him my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great,
great . . . I’m out of fingers, and I’m not about to take my shoes off. Well, you get the idea. Round about
2000 years ago. He was a pretty good craftsman, my great, great, . . . let’s just call him my uncle to keep it
short . . . He was a pretty good craftsman, my uncle. Made his niche carving tombs out of solid rock. Get it?
Made his niche carving . . . oh, never mind, the big breakfast must be slowing you down. He made full-size
tombs, hand-carved out of solid rock. These weren’t caves, mind you, and this was before all the modern
tools we have. No drills, or jackhammers, or dynamite. Just good old-fashioned stubbornness and elbow
grease. Elbow grease . . . remind me of that later. I’ve got it on sale for $79.95 a gallon. Best and cheapest
you’ll find anywhere, I guarantee it. Where was I? Oh, my uncle, yes, my uncle made tombs hand-carved out
of solid rock. I can’t even tell you how long it would take him. Let’s just say that he put in so many hours
that only the wealthy could afford to buy his tombs. The richest of the rich. It took my uncle so long to make
these hand-carved tombs that he only ever made one. But it was a dandy! What do you mean was? It is a
dandy! That’s why I’m here. I want somebody here to buy this tomb. I inherited this tomb from my dad, who
got it from his dad (that’s my granddad), who got it from his dad (that’s my great granddad), and so on . . .
you get the idea . . . all the way back to my great, great, great . . . my uncle. It was passed down, generation
to generation because no one ever wanted to use it. Well, one man did, but it was for a very short time. Oh, I
know what you’re thinking. I was born at night, but it wasn’t last night! You’re thinking, “If it is such a
dandy, hand-carved, albeit slightly used tomb, located just outside Jerusalem . . .” Oh, wait, I didn’t mention
that yet, so how could you be thinking it? Well, the tomb is located in Israel, just outside Jerusalem. I told
you my uncle was a Jewish fellow! Anyway, now you’re thinking, “If it is such a dandy, hand-carved, albeit
slightly used, tomb, just outside Jerusalem, why haven’t you been able to sell it for 2,000 years?” Ah, but
that’s where you’re mistaken. It was sold, to a guy named Joseph. He was a member of the Jewish
Sanhedrin. That’s the group of Jewish leaders that helped make decisions in Israel. Joseph was from
Arimathea, and he made good money somehow, so he bought the tomb. But he didn’t use it for himself,
mind you. Somebody more famous than he was used it. Now don’t get all upset! It was only used for three
days. That’s right, Gospel truth, he only used it for three days . . . and three nights. So it’s barely even broken
in. I mean, come on, Lazarus was in the tomb four days, and he used his tomb again! Didn’t even bat an eye,
just went right in the second time. Probably was thinking, “Oh, here we go again,” but that’s of no concern
right now. This tomb was only used once, for only three days – and three nights – by a very famous man, and
he didn’t go back in again. Now, you're thinking, “This very cultured gentleman visiting us here this morning
has been quoting Shakespeare, Shakespeare was a famous fellow, so it must be Shakespeare’s tomb!” No,
no, no, it’s not Bill Shakespeare’s tomb. He only got buried once and it stuck. He’s buried somewhere in
England. Everybody who ever lived has died – there’s that 100% mortality again. Well, there was Enoch and
Elijah, there’s some question about those two, but now you’re just getting nitpicky. The overwhelming
majority of people who live will die. All the famous people who started religions – Muhammad, the Buddha,
Zoroaster, Plato, etc. – they all died and it stuck. But the man who used Joseph’s tomb, this man, he died,
they buried him and he came out three days later. Amazing thing is that he never went back in again. He
stayed around for about forty days and then, “fwip”, God took him up to heaven. That man was Jesus Christ.
Aw, he was more than a man. He was the very God in the flesh. He came, lived the perfect life, went to the
cross, took the punishment for our sins, died, was buried for three days and three nights, and then rose from
the dead. He’s the savior of the world. Do you know him? Have you trusted in him? I hope you have. Only
two places to go when we’re through on this earth, and Jesus is the only way to heaven. If you haven’t
accepted his forgiveness for your sins, don’t you leave here today without getting right with God. Accept
Jesus Christ as your savior and your Lord. He’ll transform you, I guarantee it. Well, after Jesus left the tomb,
nobody thought about it for a long time. Busy spreading the Gospel and all that. Eventually, the tomb was
returned to my uncle. That’s how it got passed down all these years. And that’s why my uncle is the world’s
worst gravemaker: he only made one tomb, it was used three days, and it has never been used again. Aw, I
can tell by the looks on your faces that you’re not interested in buying a slightly-used tomb. Nobody ever is.
Even if it is hand-carved out of solid rock, just outside of Jerusalem, only one occupant for a very short time
and all. Aw, it’s just as well. If you buy my only grave I have in stock, you’ll deplete my entire inventory,
and I’ll be out of business. Then what would I do? You have a good day. God bless you.