Dealing With Difficult People

The Make Up of Communication
Dealing with Non-verbal

visual 55%
People
p Tone & Inflection
vocal
(How we say it) 38%
Peter Janetzki - Counsellor/Educator Content
Dip.T., Grad.Dip.Soc.Sc., M.Soc.Sc. (Counselling), MQCA, CCAA (Clinc) vocabulary
(The actual words) 7%
www.peterj.com.au www.peterj.com.au
Attending Skills Attending Skills - Eye Movement

- Eye Contact Strategies Neuro-Linguistic Programming
Eye Aversion Listener Construct Recall

70% Visual Visual
Stunned Rabbit
Auditory Auditory
Appropriate Eye Contact
Auditory
Kinesthetic Tape
Purposeful Eye Contact Memory
Body Language Strategies

Space Invading - Personal Space
Arms
Intimate personal social public
zone
15 46cm
15‐46cm
zone
46cm 1 2m
46cm‐1.2m
zone
12 36
1.2m‐3.6m
zone
over 3.6m
over 3 6m
Hands
Body
Personal Zone Distances Allan & Barbara Pease (2007, p195)
Legs Position
1
#2 #1
Listening Strategies perception message sent
getting my
picture to match
theirs by
paraphrasing
#4
message sent #5
perception
6 Nodal Points of Interaction
Inter‐personal
interaction
IMPACT IMPACT
IMPACT IMPACT MEANING MEANING
MEANING MEANING VALUE VALUE
VALUE VALUE
Intra‐personal
Intra‐ Intra‐personal
Intra‐
issues issues
IF
Frontal Cortex & IMPACT
MEANING
IMPACT
MEANING
the Limbic System VALUE VALUE
THEN
CONTENT
INTER-personal
PROCESS
INTRA-personal INTRA-personal
calm
PROCESS PROCESS
MEANING connect MEANING

WANTING & WANTING &
DESIRE NOW clarify DESIRE NOW
2
I’m hungry, it has I’m hungry, it has
I have had a busy been a busy been a busy
morning also you morning and I You are hungry morning and I
are not the only missed breakfast. because you did missed breakfast.
one who works How about we go not have breakfast How about we go
hard and the last get some food at and you want to get some food at
place I want to eat MacDonald's? MacDonald's?
get some food at
is MacDonald's! MacDonald's!
Some Keys to “I” Messages

Talking Strategies
9 What am I observing?
9 What impact it is having on me?
Using "I
9 What do I want to happen?
messages"
messages
9 What are the consequences of it
not happening?
9 Short and sharp is usually better
Sending “I” Messages

Owning your own feelings and speaking for yourself will produce more
open, honest and accurate communication. Read the Situation Below And
The ‘You Messages’, Then, Write The Corresponding “I” Messages In The
Talking Strategies
Space Provided.
Situation You message I message
1. Person
“Be quiet. You’re
I am embarrassed Feedback
embarrassed by the because your loud
g of a
loud talking
making too much
noise and people are
talking is making &
friend in a public people look at us.
place.
looking”. Please be quieter. Disclosure
2. A non-smoker is Your cigarette smoke
“You really ought to
uncomfortable is making it hard for
give it up you know –
because a person is me the breathe.
it is a health
smoking on the Please put it out or
hazard”.
train. move.
3
JOHARI WINDOW JOHARI WINDOW
Self Self
Known Unknown Known Unknown
Feedback
Dissclosure
Known
Known
1 2 2
1
BLIND
OPEN1
OPEN
BLIND
Otheer
Otherr
OPEN
Unknown
Unknown
3 4 3 4
HIDDEN POTENTIAL
HIDDEN POTENTIAL
JOHARI WINDOW
Talking Strategies
Ken Barbie
2 1
Using
gQQuestions
BLIND OPEN 1 2
OPEN BLIND
4 3
POTENTIAL HIDDEN
3 4
HIDDEN POTENTIAL
Closed Questions Open Questions

give you facts
are easy to answer ask the respondent to think and
are quick to answer reflect
give you opinions and feelings
They keep control of the
conversation with the They hand control of the
questioner conversation to the respondent
4
Defensive Responses & Power Plays
• Flight/Emotional Shutdown
Power Plays • Fight/Anger
• Denial
‘Power Plays’ are what Gottman sees as
'control'-related emotions. • Rationalisation
Often when the tension and difficulties • Manipulation/Distortion
increase in relationship we resort to controlling • Caving in (compliance)
and hostile emotional tactics • Over-confidence
They are about perceived unfairness and (I have everything under control)
power • Freezing
Dealing with
Power plays are us either
Defensive Responses &
Separating or Fusing Power Plays
emotionally or physically emotionally or physically
Step 1 - Stop Projecting
Separation Fusion
Distancer Pursuer Step 2 - Don’t be Responsible for the
Procrastinator Reminder Other Persons Projection
Child Parent
Step 3 - Hold and Maintain Yourself
I don’t want to discuss it Talk to me now
Debit Credit Step 4 - Be a Responsible and Mature
Person
Above All Remember
Don’t React
Don’t Personalise
S lf S th – Calm
Self-Soothe C l Yourself
Y lf
www.peterj.com.au
Relax – Breathe
admin@peterj.com.au
Refocus

Dealing With Difficult People

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Dealing With Difficult People

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The Make Up of Communication

Dealing with Non-verbal

Attending Skills Attending Skills - Eye Movement

Eye Aversion Listener Construct Recall

Body Language Strategies

6 Nodal Points of Interaction

MEANING connect MEANING

Some Keys to “I” Messages

9 Short and sharp is usually better

Sending “I” Messages

Situation You message I message

Closed Questions Open Questions

Above All Remember

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