Professional Documents
Culture Documents
INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION
Communication
Joseph and Ron believe communication is the process by which we come together and build a
healthy community. They outlined three types of communication:
• Intrapersonal: the way I come to understand and influence myself.
• Interpersonal: one‐on‐one communication, such as a conversation with a loved one,
coworker or neighbor.
• Group: communicating with three or more people, which changes the dynamics.
Crucial Conversations
Crucial conversations are emotionally or politically risky conversations where the effects of the
discussion will last far beyond the immediate moment. Usually they involve high stakes, opposing
opinions or strong emotions.
Joseph and Ron believe that mastering crucial conversations will kick start your career, strengthen
your personal and community relationships and improve your health. Consequently, when you fail
a crucial conversation every aspect of your life can be affected and so it is important to learn and
use the skills for communicating when the stakes are high.
Situations for crucial conversations include:
• Ending a relationship
• Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively or makes suggestive comments
• Asking a friend to repay a loan
• Giving the boss feedback about her behavior
• Critiquing a colleague’s work
• Asking a roommate to move out
• Talking to a team member who isn’t keeping commitments
• Talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem
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Avoiding Crucial Conversations
Ron said some of the ways we avoid crucial conversations include:
• Passive aggressively with sticky notes or machine messages
• Gossiping—talking to everyone else but the person about the problem
• Sarcasm, hints, or the guessing game of silence
• Sugarcoating or watering it down
• Procrastinating the conversation by avoiding the person
With these actions we act in self‐defeating ways and get the opposite result of what we want, which
can be detrimental to the relationship. While some issues or irritations are not worth the time or
energy it would take to address them and would cause little harm in passing on them, any
conversations we would characterize as high stakes ought to be held. The issue is not whether or
not we should hold these conversations, said Joseph, but rather how we can hold them effectively,
which sometimes means taking time out from the discussion.
Guides for Crucial Conversations
Joseph and Ron offered several tips on how to have crucial conversations:
1. Act on your emotions before they act on you.
You can either be a victim of or an actor on your emotions. The incapacity to influence your
own emotions can undermine your efforts. Often our emotions don’t come from what
another person is doing to you but rather come from the stories you’re telling yourself
about what they’re doing to you. Acting on your emotions means two things: becoming
conscious of the stories that you’re telling yourself and then changing those stories.
2. Start with intent not content.
Many people believe the problem with communication is the inability to be candid, but
honesty is never the problem. The problem is safety. You should be both 100 percent honest
and 100 percent respectful of the other person because people get defensive when they
perceive the intent to be harmful.
3. Don’t start with feelings, start with facts.
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Though this is counterintuitive, beginning with the facts tends to create less defensiveness.
Getting clear on the facts is the homework you need to do before going in and having a
crucial conversation. This enables you to not only share what you feel but why.
4. When you see defensiveness, step out of the content and rebuild safety.
Rather than water down the conversation when you sense defensiveness, step out of the
content and rebuild safety. Whether or not you know all the skills or all the principles for
crucial conversations focus on “What can I do to make it safe for this person. What can I do
to reveal my intent is to help not hurt? What can I do to be respectful?” Create safety by
stating your intent, sticking to the facts, and then asking for their opinion. A good skill to
learn is contrast. Communication is like a two‐sided coin: one side is what you want or
intend and the other side is what you don’t want or don’t intend. Sometimes it is helpful to
state what you don’t want or intend to clarify your intentions, making the conversation
safer.
Crucial Conversation Illustrations
Problem: “I’ve already tried to address this problem with this person over and over again, and yet
it’s still occurring. I feel like I’ve got two choices: I can either be the nag, or I can just give it up.”
Solution: There are two different levels that you can have crucial conversations on. The first level is
content: what is the problem that you want to solve? The second, deeper level is the pattern:
looking at the way we interact with each other, including negative behavior. The third level is
relationships, the deepest level. If you are having the same conversation over and over again, you’re
probably at the content level and need to go down to the pattern or the relationship level. It is a
good idea to begin at the lighter level as you begin those conversations, but if problems persist, talk
about what is at stake within the relationship.
Problem: “My spouse is too sensitive. When I begin to give constructive feedback or constructive
criticism to them, they shut down and pull away, or they react so strongly that it makes me shut
down.”
Solution: Don’t wait until the person is becoming defensive to talk about the issue, saying “You’re
always too sensitive.” Rather find a safe time when you can discuss specifically that topic. Start with
your intent: “Sweetheart, I love it when we feel great with each other, I love it when we feel warm
and affectionate with each other, and I notice there are times when we don’t. I notice there are
some times where we withdraw and pull apart and are cold with each other, and I’d like to
minimize those. I bet you do too. I’d like to share something that I see the two of us doing that I
think is probably contributing to that—would that be okay if I did it?” Then share the facts before
you get to the feelings. If the situation gets tense, set it aside for a moment and reassure them of
your intentions and respect. When they feel safe again, go back to the issue and discuss it candidly.
Problem: “I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I can trust this person. He missed an important
deadline. Now I wonder if I should trust him again.”
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Solution: Having the right conversation is crucial in this situation. The bottom line is that you have
lost confidence in this person—don’t sugarcoat around that. Unless you are absolutely candid, you
will act out rather than talk out the concern. Talk to the person frankly, telling them the bottom line
and come up with solutions during the conversation that will help rebuild that trust.
Problem: “My teenager son is a master of excuses. I talk to him about a problem, and he’s always
got a new reason why it’s not his fault.”
Solution: Use the four crucial conversation skills listed above and add the skill of “communicating
natural consequences.” When your son says he will do something at 8:00 but does not show up until
8:30, talk to him about it. If his natural response is not one of apology but rather of apathy or
excuses, then explain that when he is not there on time, you can’t start and time is wasted. Talk to
him about the pattern and whether you can count on him for future commitments. Resolve the
problem together.
Problem: “Sometimes I let a problem go on for a long time, and then when I bring it up, I say
something just awful. How do I recover from this?”
Solution: This would be a perfect occasion for a sincere apology and use of contrast to clarify your
intent: “I’m sorry I called you lazy. That was very disrespectful. I don’t want to insult you or
disrespect you. I would like to discuss a problem with you that is getting in the way of our
relationship.”
Further Reading
Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron Mcmillan, Al Switzler & Stephen R Covey
Marriage Fitness: four steps to building and maintaining phenomenal love
by Mort Fertel
Better Than Duct Tape: Dialogue Tools for Getting Results and Getting Along
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
The Balancing Act: Mastering the Competing Demands of Leadership
by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler
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Web Resources
Provident Living: Communication
http://www.providentliving.org/ses/media/articles/0,11275,2875‐1‐‐‐49,00.html
VitalSmarts.com
http://www.vitalsmarts.com
Allyn & Bacon: Interpersonal Communication
http://www.abacon.com/commstudies/interpersonal/interpersonal.html
Group Performance Systems: Interpersonal Communication
http://www.gpsi.com/interper.html
Principles of Interpersonal Communication
http://www.pstcc.edu/facstaff/dking/interpr.htm
YourMarriageFitness.com
http://www.yourmarriagefitness.com/
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