N AT H A N I E L B R A N D E N , P H . D .

OUR URGENT NEED FOR SELF-ESTEEM

Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the anew. Setbacks will not stop the most self-confident of the women who, in
judgment we pass on ourselves. That judgment impacts every moment the millions, are now starting their own businesses or otherwise struggling
and every aspect of our existence. Our self-evaluation is the basic context to rise in their professions. Nor will a disappointing marriage or love affair
in which we act and react, choose our values, set our goals, meet the so devastate a confident woman’s ego that she will arm herself against
challenges that confront us. Our responses to events are shaped in part by intimacy to avoid the possibility of future hurt, at the cost of her vitality.
whom and what we think we are—our self-esteem. The higher our self-esteem, the more ambitious we tend to be, not
necessarily in a career or financial sense, but in terms of what we hope
COMPETENT TO COPE
to experience in life—emotionally, romantically, intellectually, creatively,
Self-esteem is the experience of being competent to cope with the
and spiritually. The lower our self-esteem, the less we aspire to, and the
basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It consists of two
less we are likely to achieve. Either path tends to be self-reinforcing and
components: 1) self-efficacy—confidence in our ability to think, learn,
self-perpetuating.
choose, and make appropriate decisions; and 2) self-respect—confidence
The higher our self-esteem, the stronger the drive to express ourselves,
in our right to be happy; and in the belief that achievement, success,
reflecting the sense of richness within. The lower our self-esteem, the
friendship, respect, love and fulfillment are appropriate to us.
more urgent the need to “prove” ourselves—or to forget ourselves by living
The basic challenges of life include such fundamentals as being able
mechanically.
to earn a living and take independent care of oneself in the world; being
The higher our self-esteem, the more open, honest, and appropriate
competent in human relationships, so that our interactions with others
our communications are likely to be, because we believe our thoughts
are, more often than not, mutually satisfying; and having the resilience
have value and therefore we welcome rather than fear the clarity. The
that allows one to bounce back from adversity and persevere in one’s
lower our self-esteem, the more muddy, evasive, and inappropriate our
aspirations.
communications are likely to be, because of uncertainty about our own
To say that self-esteem is a basic human need is to say that it is essential
thoughts and feelings and anxiety about the listener’s response.
to normal and healthy development. It has survival value. Lacking positive
The higher our self-esteem, the more disposed we are to form
self-esteem, psychological growth is stunted. Positive self-esteem operates,
nourishing rather than toxic relationships. Health is attracted to health.
in effect, as providing resistance, strength, and a capacity for regeneration.
Vitality and expansiveness in others are naturally more appealing to
When self-esteem is low, our resilience in the face of life’s problems is
persons of good self-esteem than are emptiness and dependency. Self-
diminished. We tend to be more influenced by the desire to avoid pain
confident women and men are naturally drawn to one another. Alas,
than to experience joy; negatives have more power over us than positives.
insecure women and men are also drawn to one another, and form
If we do not believe in ourselves—neither in our efficacy nor in our
destructive relationships.
goodness (and lovability)—the world is a frightening place.
If you hope to achieve a happy relationship with someone, no factor is
To women who are throwing off traditional gender roles, fighting
more important than self-esteem—in you and in the other person. There
for emotional and intellectual autonomy, pouring in escalating numbers
is no greater barrier to romantic success than the deep-seated feeling that
into the workplace, starting their own business, invading one formerly
one is unlovable. The first love affair we must consummate successfully in
male bastion after another, challenging millennium-old prejudices—self-
this world is with ourselves; only then are we ready for a relationship. Only
esteem is indispensable. To be sure, it is not all that is needed for success,
then will we be fully able to love, and only then will we be able fully to let
but without it the battle cannot be won.
love in—to accept that another person loves us. Without that confidence,
For women and men alike, if we do have a realistic confidence in our
another person’s love will never be quite real or convincing to us; and in
mind and value, if we feel secure within ourselves, we tend to respond
our anxiety we may find ways to undermine it.
appropriately to challenges and opportunities. Self-esteem empowers,
Women who are struggling to build a more positive self-concept
energizes, motivates. It inspires us to achieve and allows us to take pleasure
sometimes ask, “Do men want high self-esteem in a female?” I answer,
and pride in our achievements.
“Men who have a decent level of self-esteem do value it in a woman; they
HIGH SELF-ESTEEM do not want a frightened child for a partner. And what would a woman
High self-esteem seeks the challenge and stimulation of worthwhile of self-esteem want with a man so insecure that her confidence scared
and demanding goals. Reaching such goals nurtures good self-esteem. him?”
Low self-esteem seeks the safety of the familiar and undemanding. Self-esteem is an intimate experience; it resides in the core of one’s
Confining oneself to the familiar and undemanding serves to weaken being. It is what I think and feel about myself, not what someone else
self-esteem. thinks or feels about me. I can be loved by my family, my mate, and my
The more solid our self-esteem, the better equipped we are to cope friends, and yet not love myself. I can be admired by my associates and yet
with troubles that arise in our careers or in our personal life; the quicker regard myself as worthless. I can project an image of assurance and poise
we are to pick ourselves up after a fall; the more energy we have to begin that fools almost everyone and yet secretly tremble with a sense of my

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inadequacy. I can fulfill the expectations of others, and yet fail my own; I high level of knowledge and skill among all those who participate, but also
can win every honor, and yet feel I have accomplished nothing; I can be a higher level of independence, self-reliance, self-trust, and the capacity
adored by millions, and yet wake up each morning with a sickening sense to exercise initiative—in a word, self-esteem. Persons with high levels of
of fraudulence and emptiness. self-esteem are now needed economically in large numbers. Historically,
To attain “success” without attaining positive self-esteem is to be this is a new phenomenon, and so in a very real sense, self-esteem is an
condemned to feeling like an imposter anxiously awaiting exposure. The idea whose time has come.
acclaim of others does not create our self-esteem. Neither does erudition,
material possessions, marriage, parenthood, philanthropic endeavors,
sexual conquests, or face-lifts. These things can sometimes make us feel
better about our selves temporarily, or more comfortable in particular
situations. But comfort is not self-esteem.

SIX PILLARS OF SELF-ESTEEM

Over three decades of study and of working with people have persuaded
me that there are six pillars on which health self-esteem depends.
1. Living Consciously. To live consciously is to be present to what we
are doing; to seek to understand whatever bears on our interests, values,
and goals; to be aware both of the world external to self and also to the
world within.
2. Self-acceptance. To be self-accepting is to own and experience,
without denial or disowning, the reality of our thoughts, emotions and
actions; to be respectful and compassionate toward ourselves even when
we do not admire or enjoy some of our feelings or decisions; to refuse to
be in an adversarial or rejecting relationship to ourselves.
3. Self-responsibility. To be self-responsible is to recognize that we are
the author of our choices and actions; that we must be the ultimate source
of our own fulfillment; that no one is coming to make our life right for us,
or make us happy, or give us self-esteem.
4. Self-assertiveness. To be self-assertive is to honor our wants and
needs and look for their appropriate forms of expression in reality; to live
our values in the world; to be willing to be who we are and allow others to
see it; to stand up for our convictions, values, and feelings.
5. Living Purposefully. To live purposefully is to take responsibility for
identifying our goals; to perform the actions that allow us to achieve them;
to keep on track and moving toward their fulfillment.
6. Personal integrity. To live with integrity is to have principles of
behavior to which we remain loyal in action; to keep our promises and
honor our commitments; to walk our talk.

NOW AN URGENT NEED

Our need for self-esteem has acquired new urgency. It has always
been an important psychological need, but today it is also an important
economic need—the attribute imperative for adaptiveness to an
increasingly complex, challenging and competitive world.
We now live in a global economy characterized by rapid change,
accelerating scientific and technological breakthroughs, and an
unprecedented level of competitiveness. These developments create
demands or higher levels of education and training. These developments
also create new demands on our psychological resources. Specifically, these
developments ask for a greater capacity for innovation, self-management,
personal responsibility, and self-direction. This is not just asked at the top.
It is asked at every level of a business enterprise.
Modern business can’t be run by a few people who think and many
people who do what they are told (the traditional, military command-and-
control model). Today, organizations need not only an unprecedentedly