Senior Capstone ℅ 2019

5-24-2019

My lost in understanding: An Autoethnography

Alejandra Ibarra
Los Angeles Leadership Academy HS, aibarra100607@laleadership.org
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Senior Capstone ℅ 2019

Abstract
This autoethnographic essay is to reach the mind and bring myself and others at ease.

The purpose is to reach out to the minds of those who have struggled understanding the loss of a

family member and how to understand grief, anxiety, and isolation. Along with trying to find

reasoning to why there’s a harsh reality of facing death and the loss of a loved one. The entire

purpose is so that those informed are well aware of these perks of dealing with family loss.

Keywords: ​Anxiety, Isolation, and Grief

Acknowledgements

I would like to acknowledge my family and everyone who contributed their help to help me

finish my senior capstone.

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My Lost In Understanding: An Autoethnography

Alejandra Ibarra
Los Angeles Leadership Academy HS, Los Angeles, California, USA

This autoethnographic essay is to reach the mind and bring myself and others at ease. The

purpose is to reach out to the minds of those who have struggled understanding the loss of a

family member and how to understand grief, anxiety, and isolation. Along with trying to find

reasoning to why there’s a harsh reality of facing death and the loss of a loved one. The entire

purpose is so that those informed are well aware of these perks of dealing with family loss.

The Incident

I was about thirteen or fourteen years old in the 8th grade. I would like to say I was in a

better state of mind in the 8th grade than I am now. That kind of scared me, wow, sometimes I

didn’t even know who I was, but I feel like this was part of the reason. Anyways, 8th grade year

took a toll on me. My ​Tia​ ​Letty​ tragically passed away due to alcohol, oh man did she love to

drink ​Budlight​. She was such an amazing person; she was funny, pretty smart, she was my go

to, we were inseparable. Although, when she would drink, she would have one to many and

come to me just to pour her heart out. I would go to her for advice most of the time whenever I

needed a shoulder to cry on or even an ear to hear me out. After we lost her, I felt myself go into

some sort of depression with a bit of anxiety. I was super skinny, I stopped eating for a while,
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and I LOVED to eat. I even contemplated on harming myself physically. But then I soon came

to a realization that not only did I have an unstable fall off, but the rest of my family did as well.

We all handled it a certain way, some of us handled more difficult than others. My ​Tia

Ana​ took it hard, she was devastated. She would always offend and criticize ​Letty​ for being the

way she was. What I think she felt was guilt which means shame, sadness, and loneliness which

​ as still alive, there would

is why we should always forgive ourselves. When my ​Tia Letty w

always be disagreements with her and my ​abuela​, mainly because my ​Abuela ​disliked her

alcohol problem. They would go weeks without talking, sometimes even months. The

arguments between my ​Abuela a​ nd my ​Tia Letty,​ usually arised because my abuela was trying

to get my ​Tia Letty​ to go to rehab. This devastated me.

When we would have family functions at my ​Tia Ana’s​ house in Pico Rivera, there

would be tension in the air. Everyone was against the way my ​Tia Letty​ would look, smell and

even how she would act. Since my ​Tia​ had a drinking problem, she would ALWAYS smell like

beer, as well as her pee. In addition, she stopped caring for her well-being. She would not get

ready and she would not care about her appearance. She was such a funny person. She would

love making people laugh. I recall having a friend over, her name was Stephanie My ​Tia Letty

would come out to the living room with a guitar hero controller and would rock her head back

and forth as if she was in a band. She’d always ask me to go with her to the library, reading

romantic books was her passion. In fact, it would only take her two or three days to finish

reading a book. My ​Tia Letty​ was so intelligent as well… she knew all the presidents, she knew

about the political issues involving the world, she knew about dictatorships, and democracies.

My ​Tia​ will always be in my heart.

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My ​Tia Letty​ left two amazing children, my cousins Roger and Johanna. At the time my

Tia Letty​ passed, Roger was twenty-three years old, Johanna was eighteen years old at the time.

Roger, her own son, was not as starstruck as we all were, yes he was hurt I am sure he was but

he wasn’t hurting the way we all thought he was going to. Till this day I haven’t seen him shed

a tear when my ​tia​ is brought up. Unfortunately Roger carries the drinking habit that his mother

Letty had. “It sometimes worries me and my family but I guess we all have a different way to

cope with the situation huh”.. The gist with Roger is that he has bad anxiety when he gets

drunk, he has told us and it’s something that happens on the occasion. Roger’s sister, Johanna,

would cry almost every night, but with the help of her boyfriend of four years, she was not

struggling as much. She had some comfort that she felt that her own family was not able to fill,

so she replaced that comfort from her family with her boyfriend. My family and I had a variety

of ways to deal with the loss of my tia Letty, in the present day it is just as tough as it was four

years ago. My tias absence has taken a toll on us all. However, some of us have learned how to

handle it better than before.

Analysis

Introduction

I have dealt with this abnormal feeling of anxiety since eighth grade. Although I figured

out how to control myself when I get anxiety attacks it still doesn't feel right. Throughout this

unusual feeling I started isolating myself from family & friends. I was unsure if I was being

heard so I made myself believe I was not. I was suffering in silence. I was grieving for quite

sometime during the loss of my tia. During the grieving process I felt as if I was alone, I was

scared… I was scared of not knowing what was going to happen next. I felt confused, confused
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because I didn't quite understand the emotions I felt during such an event. I had a hard time

getting use to the feeling and tried to understand why I always felt the way I felt but I failed…

but with through examination and research I have come to the conclusion that I am not the only

one who has faced this sort of trauma and or emotions, here are my results in finding answers to

questions I had trouble facing.

Study of Focus

The purpose of my research is to determine how a tragic loss affects the family. Dealing

with a loss within a family is difficult to cope with. With the help of my resources such as, ​The

​ long with my own

New York Times: Understanding Grief, Child Mind Institute, etc. A

experiences of family loss and how I handled my own situations this examination was a major

aspect for the understanding of myself and my concealed emotions.

The research I have conducted allowed to me get a better understanding of what I had

questioned. My research has opened my eyes. Understanding my research helped me understand

other people who have struggled with the same problems that I meet my mental state. ​From

examining Family Loss Theory, it is clear that the loss of a family member makes a dent on an

adolescent’s character causing social/emotional tolls including anxiety, grief and isolation.

Anxiety

Compounded trauma can cause extreme anxiety in individuals. According to an article

published by ​UC Berkeley Health Services​,

Psychologically, we connect traumas. If you experience a new trauma before you've had

enough time to heal from previous trauma, you may experience the separate events as

related. This can lead to intensified symptoms and prolonged recovery time. As a result
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of multiple traumatic incidents, you may experience a greater sense of disconnectedness

from yourself, others, and your work. Seek out support from a friend or counselor to

help restore your sense of order and control (2019, para. 2).

This demonstrates how dealing with an abundance of traumas can affect you more than you

think. Dealing with such traumas will usually result in feeling like an outcast, and force yourself

to fall into a slight depression.

Anxiety and trauma are close relatives, the anxiety being a feeling of fear and

overthinking that will fall into place when timing is right. The ​Child Mind Institute ​shares, “A

child may go from crying one minute to playing the next. His changeable moods do not mean

that he isn’t sad or that he has finished grieving; children cope differently than adults, and

playing can be a defense mechanism to prevent a child from becoming overwhelmed.” (2019.

para 2). This demonstrates how anxiety can prowl its way into an individual's life as it floods

someone's mental and emotional capacity limits causing a mixture of emotions, thus resulting in

various ways to try and cope with different methods.

The loss of a family member can cause an individual to be physically and emotionally

drained. This is when anxiety will creep up slowly but will surely make an impact. Anxiety is a

common part of the grieving process. According to ​The University of Georgia​, “From these

findings, we know a family member’s death can impact personal health.” (Berg, 2014 para 4.)

Having to cope with death within the family can be quite difficult. The death of a loved one can

impact an individual's health, the health being emotional health, physical health, and mental

health. An individual's well being is at stake. Death takes a toll on one's self can end with

repercussions of feeling anxiety.

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Isolation

Isolation, the state of being enclosed with one’s self, is the feeling of having the need to

be in solitary. Away from everyone and just lost in the isolation, trying to figure out how to deal

with the thoughts of helplessness. Knowing a loved one was lost, due to a tragic event regarding

health issues is difficult to cope with. As stated in an article published by, ​UC Berkeley Health

Services, “​ Traumatic events often include injury and death. You may have known someone who

died during a tragic event or this event may remind you of other deaths or losses. Even the death

of a pet can be traumatic. Symptoms of grief and loss are similar to the post-trauma symptoms

listed above, and many of the coping strategies listed below can help for grief as well.” (2019,

para. 1). Dealing with loss in a family is not always peaches and cream, it is rather tough to take

a bite out of and swallow. Some people demonstrate acts of change in behavior. At times there

may be a few things that may trigger a memory that is at times difficult to forget. In spite of

these occurrences, one’s self thoughts of all, will lead to the feeling of becoming isolated,

quarantined away from everyone and everything.

When death comes close to a family and takes away a loved one it is hard to deal with. It

is a part of reality that does not want to be faced. ​The Child Mind Institute​ states how, ​“Children

understand that death is bad, and they don’t like separation, but the concept of ‘forever’ is just

not present.” (2019, para 5). With a child's mentality they understand that death is not a good

thing. The idea of someone being gone forever is not embraced well. The thought of a loved one

being gone can take its toll on an adolescents life which can end in the idea of isolation. Most

would think that isolation is the best option to follow through when losing someone who was

cherished has passed.

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Grief

The grieving process in some cases can be quite tough. Grieving is an emotional state of

feeling sorrow. Grief. Hardship. Suffering. A resemblance to mental pain. A type of pain that

comes from within. Despite grief being a feeling of sorrow, many can learn from grief or simply

learn to deal with grief in different ways. According to, ​The New York Times ​an article written

by Jane E. Brody, she states, “We can all benefit from learning how to respond to grief in ways

that don’t prolong, intensify or dismiss the pain. Likewise, those trying to help need to know

that grief cannot be fit into a preordained time frame or form of expression. Too often people

who experience a loss are disparaged because their mourning persists longer than others think

reasonable or because they remain self-contained and seem not to mourn at all.” (Brody, 2018,

para 8). There are various ways people deal

with grief, there are some people who

grieve in their own way. Some people

prolong on the feeling, while some keep all

their sorrow, anger, confusion and

frustration contained as if there is nothing

in their way but to have an ambition to feel

merriment. The image above, portrays a

girl isolated in a dark room, with her head down, hair covering her face, away from everyone.

The grieving process is tough at most times. It is hard to grasp an understanding in the

loss of someone. As said in an article on ​The New York Times​, “There is no right or wrong in

grief; we need to accept whatever form it takes, both in ourselves and in others.” (Brody, 2018).
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In conclusion different people have their own ways to handle their own process of grief. There

are different types of grief, a brief example would be delayed grief, one's emotions and reaction

to death does not always hit instantly but is dealt with eventually. Another example of grief

would be, chronic grief; the feeling of hopelessness or the lost in understanding​ ​that the loss is

part of harsh reality. Overall the ability to discuss the emotions that seem to be storming down

on an individual is quite intricate.

Understanding the grieving process is not an easy task to push through when it isn't

really thought of thoroughly. In contrast to article, ​Understanding Grief​ on ​The New York Times

it states, ​“if we can start to understand the true nature of grief, we can have a more helpful,

loving, supportive culture.” (Brody, 2018). Most people have a difficult time understanding

what grief means, let alone knowing how to deal with a perplexed feeling. If understanding the

true meaning behind grief was a task for children who have suffered a tragic loss then it would

probably be an easier, less perplexed feeling. Therefore, making it a misunderstanding of such a

normal sense of emotion. This sense of feeling should not be ignored but embraced for it is a

process that cannot be ignored.

Opinion

After a thorough examination of a family loss and on how it affects the mind, I have

came to the conclusion that the feelings I felt was not rare. I was not the only person who

suffered from my own sort of trauma. For starters, the grieving process was a difficult time for

me. I did not understand the way I felt at times, not understanding my own thoughts and

emotions was such a confusing task to do on my own. I was flabbergasted at the fact that I was

receiving information on a topic that missed my understanding, it flew over my head, out of my
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reach. My thoughts on my own research puts me in a position where I have a much better

understanding of my feelings and actions, moreover, anxiety, isolation, and the way I grieve.

Anxiety is something that happens to me till this day, and at times it is hard to control, I have

managed to deal with it in a much better responsible way. The feeling of isolation is not

something that I have an issue with anymore, I have surrounded myself with people who have

helped me get out of a dark place, the darkness I was once lost in. It is those three horrific, ugly,

and confusing feelings of emotion that took over, but has subsequently changed me for the

better.

Conclusion

After reviewing my research on how a family loss affects the family, I have come to the

conclusion that losing a family member shows more effectiveness than imagined. These effects

include: anxiety, grief, and isolation. These sets of emotions are the reasons to why there was so

much negativity surrounding me. These “feelings” are the reason why I was unhappy. These

feelings were caused by the loss of a family member that I held close to my heart. Unfortunately

it is something I thought I had no control of, as of today with the help of my thorough

examination, I know how to deal with my “weaknesses”. From examining Family Loss Theory,

it is clear that the loss of a family member makes a dent on an adolescent’s character causing

social/emotional tolls including anxiety, grief and isolation. While researching I have concluded

that the feelings of isolation, grief, and anxiety were all part of the process of dealing with a

family loss. On that note, the “abnormal” feelings have been broken down. They have been

figured out, and they have been dealt with.

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References

Bowlby-West, L. (1983). “The impact of death on the family system.” ​Journal of Family

Therapy, ​Retrieved from

https://www.breakthesilencedv.org/isolation-and-domestic-violence/

Berg, M. (2014). “​Family member’s death can impact personal health, UGA research finds.”

UGA Today.​ Retrieved from

https://news.uga.edu/family-members-death-can-impact-personal-health-1114/

​ etrieved from
Brody, J. E. (2018). “Understanding Grief.” ​The New York Times. R

https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/15/well/live/understanding-grief.html

Bowlby-West, L. (1983). ​The impact of death on the family system.​ ​Journal of Family

Therapy, ​Retrieved from

https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdf/10.1046/j..1983.00623.x

University Health Services (n.d.). “​Coping with Trauma: Grief, Loss and Tragic News and

Events.” ​University Health Services. ​Retrieved from

https://uhs.berkeley.edu/coping-trauma-grief-loss-and-tragic-news-and-events

Fletcher, J. et al. (2013). “​A Sibling Death in the Family: Common and Consequential.” ​US

​ etrieved from
National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health. R

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4302726/
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