A Prayer of Vulnerability Johan Barcena

Throughout time we see man go through the hurdles of time. Man’s evolution

around the world is one of a kind through his motivation to survive until man became

superior species in earth. At his very best, he wanted to do more and focused on the

materials aspects – even if wasn’t necessary to his basic survival. Man’s moral quest is

inevitable that the way he was formed to keep seeking happiness and Augustine states

that man can find happiness only in God as He provides what the soul needs to be content

through love. Man inevitably loves. He goes beyond oneself because of love with objects

of love that could be his favorite guitar, or his best friend, or maybe even himself.

However, this love may be misguided as this type of love might result to a false happiness

and would bring man to the hate, temptations, guilt, or misery of mankind.

This love as Augustine would call this disordered love. A “love” that destroys and

takes hold of the incomplete person as he keeps chasing that “satisfaction” only to feel

that fallback leading him to push more until he falls in a depressive state. This is very

problematic as man sees happiness as a possession rather than a state. Loving material

things would only bring man so far and he wouldn’t achieve happiness if he keeps this

up. To Augustine, being happy is to love God. Love Him in a sense that man will dedicate

his service to Him that Augustine would like to point out that man should go beyond

himself to the supernatural, that he must let go of the material world and live his life

according to the laws of God. Thus, man should know what he should desire to be happy

for living with the physical world will not bring him true happiness but only God can provide

since he was made by God to find happiness only in God.

 This concept hasn’t crossed me in most of my lifetime until I reached the lowest

point of my life. Before this fall, life was great and fun. Never had to experience any major

suffering in my life. I was having fun playing for Babble back then. In Youth For Christ -

Ateneo I would serve alongside my closest friends. My family was in perfect shape and

we would always have a Sunday family time. My girlfriend-then and I celebrated our 4th

anniversary together. Everything seemed to fit into the picture until November 2017 when

my ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she was tired and wanted to focus on her

career as she would graduate before me. I was hurt, lost, and at shock. It didn’t help when

I learned that she had a one-night stand with someone and dated the said person. I was

so full of anger, insecurity, and resentment that I was motivated by the wrong idea. I

wanted to be happy but the means I had to go through wasn’t love. I forced myself to lose

weight. Often starving myself or overworking to lose a lot of pounds rapidly. Motivated by

hate, I thought I’d be “happy” if I get that revenge by showing that I was better than her.

This affected my relationships with my dearest friends, family, and ultimately to Him. I

was so blind and focused to be happy.

I kept this toxic lifestyle until my father suddenly had a stroke and half his body

was stagnant. Seeing my dad at the hospital bed broke my heart. Trying to lie to myself

that everything was fine, I was still chasing that “happiness” even though everything was

falling apart. I thought that by getting a girlfriend I would remove my sadness. I forced the

idea and instead I hurt someone very significant to this day we haven’t been in touch with

each other I was lost. In efforts in being “happy” I ended up being so miserable that I had

a lot of sleepless nights and even thoughts of just ending my life with my insecurity at its

peak. This persisted until I finally decided to be vulnerable and letting go in controlling
everything in my life and just surrendered to Him. From there onwards, I accepted that I

was sad, that I was suffering, that I needed help. With finding that peace, I’ve eventually

forgave and asked forgiveness with my ex with everything that has happened, we shared

a moment in tears apologizing and laughing to each other with all the pain we’ve done to

each other. I’ve also mustered up the courage to forgive myself with all the pressure I’ve

placed upon myself, that I didn’t need to prove something off to be happy and just decided

to let go. I finally learned how to rest while the world is on fire and I wasn’t scared because

I knew in the end the day He wouldn’t leave my side that through living my life through

His love I will find my peace.

Modern life has been rapid. Oftentimes one would lost sense of time as one would

be busy with their personal agendas. With the fast paced of life, its easy to forget how to

live. How disordered love ruin relationships with our friends, family, significant others,

ourselves, and most importantly with Him. In a way, disordered love could be seen as

hate as it brings us to discord with the various aspects of our lives. It is the opposite of

love as an act that harmonizes these needs and their objects. The act of harmony

becomes a challenge in a world full of misunderstandings making it hard for people to see

the clearer picture and to live in God’s will.

Sometimes it be like that. We keep chasing that happiness that we want in life as

if it was like a possession of some sort so we tread the rough waters to “own it”. However

we get caught in a tsunami of burdens of life that keeps of weighing us down and as we

keep fighting against the waves, it becomes harder and harder as it starts to hurt us each

step we take only to realize that the more we push ourselves, the more we lose ourselves

against the currents of life. In times like this, it is best to be taken by the wave. Of course
you would get hurt and gasp for air – but the wave will eventually subside and we will

arrive at the shore. Exhausted yet across it is the sun setting down – a moment of serenity.

We must learn how to be vulnerable in life, to weep with the hardships in life, and

be honest about these challenges because in doing so will give us a clearer heart and

clearer mind when it comes to deciding our life decisions. Because when we choose to

be vulnerable we become more open and reflective with ourselves. When we

acknowledge that we are hurt it shows that we have a strong character in adversity.

If we don’t let ourselves become vulnerable we are prone to close our doors as a

way of protecting ourselves. This prevents us from seeing God as the way to our true

happiness which might bring us to distorted views of how we live, of how one attains

happiness. Vulnerability in this case allows us to be open to our friends, family, ourselves,

and God. That vulnerability highlights our incompleteness which God will complete thus

bringing us to Augustine’s definition of happiness

I carry this pain of mine now and lift it up to him but then I realize that a lot of people

in the world are also suffering. With that, I’d like to show people that it is okay to be hurt

and vulnerable and it is nothing to ashamed of. In fact, it is one of the bravest things one

can do. I want to share to people that God completes your incompleteness, that He would

give you the happiness that you deserve because he created us in His likeness. By

making him our foundation of our life is only when we become truly loving like Him.

To end this reflection I would like to quote the bridge of Build My Life by Housefires

to summarize my response. “And I will build my life upon Your love it is a firm foundation

and I will put my trust in You alone and I will not retake it.” Thank you Lord, Amen.