A stylistic analysis of poetry translation; Case study of Akbar Jamshidi’s Poem “Smile” Based on Khomeijani

Farahani’s Evaluation Framework

Introduction
An acceptable and reliable evaluation of every translation must be based on some framework containing some relevant parameters.
This point is highlighted when dealing with form-sensitive texts such as poems. One of the most difficult concepts about translating
such texts are how one says something can be as important, sometimes more important than what one says (Landers, 2001, p.7).
As Cleanth Brooks (As cited in Newton, 1988) maintains “in a successful literary work, form and content cannot be separated, form
is meaning” (p. 45).

One of the most outstanding features of every literary work is its style. As Abrams and Harpham (2005) put it “Style has been
defined as the manner of linguistic expression in prose or verse - as how speakers or writers say whatever it is that say”(p. 216).
The analysis and assessment of style involve the examination of a writer's choice of words, his figures of speech, the devices
(rhetorical and otherwise), the shape of his sentences (whether they be loose or periodic), the shape of his paragraphs - indeed, of
every conceivable aspect of his language and the way in which he uses it (Cuddon, 1999, P. 872). Landers (2001) suggests that“
the translator should adapt to the style of each author translated – now terse, now rumbling, sometimes abstruse, but always as
faithful to the original as circumstances permit” (p. 90). Therefore, style is one of the defining features of every literary text and
should be preserved as faithfully as possible.

Furthermore, it has been suggested by Dongming, Ch. and Xiaoshu, S. (2003), that for reproducing “the original style satisfactorily,
one must bear two points in mind before undertaking the translation. First, the translator must have a macroscopic point of view,
namely, a view of the whole” to render a translation “in conformity with the thought, feeling, and style of the original… Second, he
must have a microscopic point of view”, as an illustration, “the linguistic point of view”. In other words, “all the paragraphs,
sentences, and words” should be studied so that the feeling, spirit, thought, and style of the original can be produced.

A model for evaluation

As mentioned earlier, any reliable evaluation of every work of translation must be based on some particular scientific evaluation
model. Evaluations based on personal impressions and gut feelings, if acceptable, lack reliability and consistency and are
unsystematic. Any evaluation framework must possess some parameters for gauging the desired points. Khomeijani Farahani has
suggested a framework for an acceptable and systematic evaluation of works of translation. This framework consists of a set of
criteria, which he in his own terms chooses to call “translation evaluation criteria”. These criteria are as follows:

1) Accuracy
2) Formal loyalty
3) Naturalness

When dealing with translation of long texts, two other criteria should be added to the above list:

4) Consistency
5) Unity

Naturalness: By naturalness, it is meant that how natural or artificial the translation sounds in the target language. There are two
ways to determine the naturalness of any job of translation. The first possible way is to show the TL text to a native speaker of that
language ask him or her what s/he thinks about the translation and to judge whether the translation sounds natural and reads
smoothly and fluently in his or her mother tongue or not. The second way to determine the degree of naturalness of the translation
is to see whether the translator has followed the syntactic structure and word order of the target language or those of source
language. To check the naturalness of the translated texts, the evaluator can also look at the translation of idiomatic expressions
(Farahani, 2005, p.77-83).

Introducing the poet

Mihai Eminescu born Mihail Eminovici; 15 January 1850 – 15 June 1889) was a Romantic poet, novelist and journalist,
generally regarded as the most famous and influential Romanian poet. Eminescu was an active member of
the Junimea literary society and worked as an editor for the newspaper Timpul ("The Time"), the official newspaper of
the Conservative Party (1880–1918).[2] His poetry was first published when he was 16 and he went to Vienna to study when
he was 19. The poet's manuscripts, containing 46 volumes and approximately 14,000 pages, were offered by Titu
Maiorescu as a gift to the Romanian Academy during the meeting that was held on 25 January 1902.[3] Notable works
include Luceafărul (The Vesper/The Evening Star/The Lucifer/The Daystar), Odă în metru antic (Ode in Ancient Meter), and
the five Letters (Epistles/Satires). In his poems he frequently used metaphysical, mythological and historical subjects.

Analysis
Analysis of the selected poem will be conducted stanza by stanza. Each stanza is given, following its translation and then the choice
of word, level of formality, tone, the feelings the translation brings about and consideration of stylistic features will be highlighted
and analyzed in different respects applying the criteria of the given framework.

Şi dacă ramuri bat în geam

And if the branches tap the pane

Accuracy: according to accuracy criterion of the framework provided, accuracy refers to the closeness of the two sets of vocabulary
items. Considering the level of formality of the original words and English equivalents provided, it seems that these equivalents are
the ones that keep the actual meaning af the structure

Şi se cutremur plopii,

And poplar trembling quiver;

Accuracy: the translation seems to be accurate as the words selected as the equivalents semantically and pragmatically are close,
although not totally.

Formal loyalty: no deletion, expansion, and change of style have been observed. Thus, formal loyalty has been observed in this
case.

Naturalness: the translation seems to be natural in both cases of following the syntactic structure and application of an acceptable
collocation (leave the pain)

E ca în minte să te am

Thine image comes to mind again;

Accuracy: the translation seems to be accurate as the words selected as the equivalents semantically are close. Consulting the
dictionary, we find this definition for the entry nought: BrE: A. The number 0. B. used in some expressions to mean nothing. Thus,
it seems that the application of the word nought is appropriate as the equivalent of “ ‫”هیچ و پوچ‬. The expression be happy with nought
is also close to the expression “ ‫ ”دل را شاد سازیم‬but seems to be a little more informal. It may be concluded that this translation is
relatively accurate but acceptable. Formal loyalty: It seems that a case of deletion has occurred. “‫ ”دل‬has been omitted in the
translation. No wanton change of style has been observed in the translation of this stanza.

Naturalness: it seems that the translation is natural as the expression seems meaningful and is not unusual.

Şi-ncet să te apropii.

I see thee gliding hither.

Accuracy: In this case, the translation is irrelevant to what the poet has said. It seems that the translator has sacrificed the
message to produce rhyme. There is no point to discuss about regarding accuracy as no accuracy exists.

Formal loyalty: a blatant case of deletion, a total replacement, if we want to be exact. No change of style has been observed, but
the message has not been imparted.

Naturalness: it seems that the translation is natural as the expression seems meaningful and is not unusual. Translator has followed
the syntactic structure of the Tl.

Şi dacă stele bat în lac

Adâncu-i luminîndu-l,
And if the starshine beats the lake,
Its sombre depths illumining;

Accuracy: as in the translation two stanzas have been treated as a whole, they are treated altogether for analysis. The translation
of the first stanza seems to be relatively accurate at the words selected as the equivalents are semantically, pragmatically, and
poetically close. A good equivalent (heaven) has been selected for the word “‫ ”فلک‬In the second stanza, message has been again
sacrificed for the sake of rhythm.

Formal loyalty: in translation of the 2nd stanza, we have a case of deletion. “ ‫ ”خوش خوانیم‬has been deleted in translation for no
apparent reason. A structure parallel to one used by the poet has been applied by the translator to correspond to style of this
stanza.

Naturalness: it seems that the translation of the first stanza is natural as the expression seems meaningful. However, the second
stanza doesn’t sound that natural as the idiomatic expressions are not translated. Heavens tune is a suitable collocation but without
fortune sound unusual, at least in this case.

E ca durerea mea s-o-mpac

‘Tis but to sooth my longing ache,

Accuracy: considering the level of closeness of vocabulary items, there appears no close relationship between the words as in the
translation we have the word defy, which is more formal In comparison to its counterpart “ ‫”در جنگ بودن‬. Furthermore, then the verb
needs an object, while none can be observed in this case.

Formal loyalty: an obvious case of deletion, or in more exact terms, a replacement has been occurred. A change of style can be
observed as well as the poem is citing an explanation but the translator has used some form of addressing.

Naturalness: translator neither has followed the syntactic structure of the SL, nor has translated the idiomatic expression. Thus, the
translation doesn’t seem to be natural in this case.

Înseninîndu-mi gîndul.

And rouse my thoughts from glooming.

Accuracy: regarding the chosen words, it seems that the translation has met the criterion of accuracy. The word gloomy imparts the
sense sadness and at the same time emotional suffering, probably what the poet had intended by using the word “‫”دلتنگ‬.

Formal loyalty: an appropriate use of expansion can be seen in the translation of this stanza. In seems that in the original text the
pronoun “we” has been left implicit. This implicitation is easy to grasp for native speakers but may not be clearly comprehensible to
foreign readers. Referring to the style, it can be seen that the translator has used an interrogative structure, the same the poet has
done. It seems that the translation has met this criterion as well.

Naturalness: the translator has applied an interrogative structure which is syntactically correct in the TL. The structure is similar to
one used in the TL as well. Therefore, it can be claimed that the translation satisfies the criterion of naturalness.

Şi dacă norii deşi se duc

And if the storms clouds disappear,

Accuracy: It seems that selection of the word sorrow is appropriate for the word “‫ ”غم‬as both are labeled formal and are used, in
particular, kinds of literary works. Furthermore, regarding the connotation, they convey, more or less, the same level of sadness.
Regarding the equivalent of the word “‫”سوهان‬, the chosen word does not sound to be meaningful in this case.

A Suggestion: nibble away at man’s soul.

Formal loyalty: in this case, the image intended by the word “‫ ”سوهان‬has been deleted, although some word has been used for it.

Naturalness: Although the translator has followed an acceptable syntactic structure, he has been unsuccessful in producing the
image intended through inappropriate translation of idiomatic expression of “ ‫”سوهان جان‬. Therefore, the translation doesn’t seem to be
natural.

De iese-n luciu luna,

And forth the moon comes shining;

Accuracy: It seems that selection of the words is appropriate regarding the level of formality and semantic aspects.

Formal loyalty: in this case, there is no pointless change of style. Both the translation and the original text seem to at the same
level of formality, so style has not altered.

Naturalness: the translator has been successful in translating the idiomatic expressions by creating an acceptable collocation and
therefore, has secured naturalness.

E ca aminte să-mi aduc

It only tells thou hast no peer,

Accuracy: It seems that selection of the words is appropriate regarding the level of formality and semantic aspects.
Formal loyalty: in this case, it seems that translation style matches SL text. Both the translation and the original text seem to at
the same level of formality. A case of expansion is observed, which gives an added flavor to the translation.

Naturalness: the translator has produced a natural syntactic structure. Furthermore, he has added a phrase (I happen) that
although doesn’t exist in the SL, makes the translation more natural as it is a common phrase in the TL.

De tine-ntotdeauna.

And sole-supreme art reigning.

Accuracy: It seems that selection of the words is appropriate regarding the level of formality and semantic aspects.

Formal loyalty: in this case, it seems that translation style matches SL text. Both the translation and the original text seem to at
the same level of formality. A case of expansion is observed, which gives an added flavor to the translation.

Naturalness: the translator has produced a natural syntactic structure. This stanza has been translated using an acceptable
idiomatic expression, thus produces the right image and adheres to a word order which is acceptable in the TL.

Macroscopic and Microscopic analysis of translation style

According to the criteria of macroscopic analysis (Dongming, Ch. and Xiaoshu, S.; 2003). , the translation should generally have a
view of the whole to render a translation “in conformity with the thought, feelings, and style of the original”. Considering these
factors, generally translation is unsuccessful as the translator has not managed to produce a parallel style because if back
translated, is different substantially. Considering the microscopic point of view, “namely, the linguistic point of view, all the
paragraphs, sentences, and words” should be studied so that the “feeling, spirit, thought, and style of the original” can be
produced. It seems that translation is not acceptable in this case as well due to change of style pursuant to application of some
words that pragmatically was not appropriate or were at a different level of formality compared to the original text. Of the other
factors contributing to failure of the translator is an unsuccessful translation of some idiomatic expressions that played a great part
in transferring the feeling and spirit of the poem.

Conclusion:

Despite some positive points observed, the translation generally is unsuccessful in producing the image, tone and the feeling a
native speaker can easily grasp from reading such a poem. Some factors have contributed to this such as an inappropriate choice of
words, unsuccessful translation of some idiomatic expressions regarding stylistic features and tone, not the semantic aspect. By and
large, the message has been imparted but translation lacks the feeling and the tone embedded in the poem.