Muslim Parents on How They Talk to Their

Children About Hatred and Extremism

By HANNA INGBER December 15, 2015

A Muslim parent in Tokyo tells her children to

“work 100 times harder” and “be 100 times
kinder.” A father in Ontario advises his
teenagers to be wary of anyone reaching out to
them over the Internet and claiming to be
Muslim. “ISIL is trying to recruit you,” he tells
them, referring to the Islamic State.

Parents around the United States tell their

children that they can be both American and
Muslim — no matter what anyone says, they do
not need to choose between the two.

A wave of recent attacks by extremists acting in the name of Islam —

including in San Bernardino, Calif., this month — has contributed to a rise in
anti-Muslim speech in the United States, Europe and elsewhere. We ​asked
our readers​ who are Muslim how they talk to their children about these
difficult times.

More than 200 people responded. Many wrote about how they try to teach
their children that terrorists do not reflect them or their faith.

Here is a selection of the responses; they have been edited and condensed.

We hope to hear from more Muslim parents about how the rise in both
anti-Muslim speech and attacks by Islamist extremists is affecting you and
your family. How are you explaining these issues to your children? Please join
the discussion in the comments.

Modern America Is Compatible With Islam

Sammer Lashin in Fremont, Calif.

Children ages 11, 9 and 6

I home-school my three children. Our Muslim kids personally identify with

how the Christian pilgrims came here, cut off from everyone and everything
they knew, simply to be able to adore God how they thought fit. Our children
study how our founding fathers knew that our Creator sees all men as equal,
although the fathers themselves fell short of this ideal. At the same time, they
study how the Prophet Muhammad could not sleep until any money or food
in his home was shared with the less fortunate.

The best inoculation against all the negative rhetoric is for our children to
have a deep understanding of what America and Islam truly stand for.

No Need for a Caliphate

Nadeem Ahmed in Mississauga, Ontario

Children ages 18 and 16

People always fear the unknown. Just like you are afraid to go down to a dark
basement — you fear what you don’t know. People fear Islam and Muslims
because they don’t know us.

It is up to us to first condemn acts of terror, work hard to expunge it from our

communities and reach out with peace, kindness, generosity and
understanding.

I tell them, be wary, ISIL is trying to recruit you. They want you to feel like
you are not at home here and this is not your country. It is. They want you to
hear the racist voices of the few and think that represents the majority of the
U.S. and Canada.

You need to be very careful of anyone reaching out over the Internet claiming
to be a Muslim. You need to come to a parent right away.

There is no war with the West; the West and Islam are compatible. In fact
Islam is more compatible with the ideas of freedom, tolerance and equality
than most countries that call themselves Muslim are.

There is no need for a caliphate; we enjoy religious freedom here. No one

there does.

Terrorists Are Not Representative of Us

Karla N. Evans in Duluth, Ga.

Child age 16

Those carrying out acts of terror in the name

of Islam are not representative of who we are
or what we believe as Muslims in any way.
I do not tell my son that they are not Muslim, but rather that they have an
extreme mind-set and would likely be extreme no matter their religious
tradition, and that there is nothing inherently violent in the teachings of
Islam.

A Lesson From Le Petit Prince

Sarah Eltabib in Oyster Bay, N.Y.

Child age 9

Since we are a family that focuses education on global citizenship, and I

myself am a human rights historian, I tend to give her a more worldly view
and expose her to different types of literature. So, I read her one of my
favorite “Little Prince” excerpts, then talked about what it means:

Il y avait des graines terribles sur la planète du petit prince... c’étaient les
graines de baobabs. Le sol de la planète en était infesté. Or un baobab, si l’on
s’y prend trop tard, on ne peut jamais plus s’en débarasser. Il encombre
toute la planète. Il la perfore de ses racines. Et si la planète est trop petite, et
si les baobabs sont trop nombreux, ils la font éclater.A ​ ntoine de
Saint-Exupéry, “Le Petit Prince”

Translation: There were terrible seeds on the little prince’s planet... they were
baobab seeds. The planet’s soil was infested with them. Now, a baobab, if you
set about it too late, you can never get rid of it. It takes up the whole planet. It
pierces it with its roots. And if the planet is too small, and if there are too
many baobabs, they will make it burst.

Be Gentle, Soft-Spoken and Kind

Bibi Voyles in Tokyo.

Children ages 10 and 5

I tell my children that they must work 100 times harder, be 100 times kinder,
and always be well groomed, just to gain public acceptance in these trying
times.

I tell them to always be gentle, soft-spoken, and kind so that they cannot be
associated with the growing global paranoia around “extremist Muslims.”

Explaining Islam to Toddlers

Aiza Siddiqi in Baltimore.

Child age 2

A few weeks ago, my son’s preschool asked parents to come in and share a
holiday tradition with the class. Since my son is the only Muslim in his class, I
thought this would be a good opportunity to introduce the young children to
Islam and the Islamic holidays of Eid. Then I started reading Facebook posts
of friends and acquaintances describing verbal and physical attacks on
Muslims in schools, parking lots, and buses.

I began to think: “Do I want my son’s peers and teachers to know that he is
Muslim? Will his Christian preschool treat him differently if he identifies as
Muslim?” I hated myself for even asking these questions because I have never
been one to deny or hide my identity.

I decided to do a presentation for my son’s class on Islam and the Islamic

holidays. Not that explaining Islam to a room full of 2-year-olds will
drastically win over hearts and minds, but education is one of the best tools
we as Muslims have to counter the ignorami who malign our faith.

Don’t Discuss Islam With Others

Zeigham Khokher in New Orleans.

Children ages 18, 13 and 12

We try to instill in them that they should stay

strong. However, as a concerned parent, I
nevertheless encourage them not to discuss
faith with anyone.

I tell my kids that they have nothing to be

ashamed of, they have no responsibility for
people they do not know in places they have
never been to. We emphasize that our Islam, the one that serves as a
foundation for our life, shares nothing with such barbarism.

Show Not Tell

Edlyn Sammanasu in Fremont, Calif.

Children ages 8, 5 and 3

I don’t need to talk to them about extremists. I need to show them what
Muslims believe and how it affects our daily lives in good ways and how it
affects others in good ways. I show them that Allah loves us, to be generous
with our money, our charity, and our kindness. I show them that it’s
important to be helpful to our neighbors and our elders. I show them all the
good that we’re supposed to do is good for us and each other.

Hopefully (God-willing) my kids will see what Islam teaches and what it
means to be Muslim from us and NOT from terrorists. Mostly, I want my kids
to be confident Muslims who understand their religion, practice their
religion, and are proud to be Muslim AND American. It is possible. I know.
It’s true in me.

Make Lots of Friends

“NS” in Lake Oswego, Ore.

Children ages 9, 6, and twins who are 23 months

I remind my two eldest that I was born and raised in America and that we
have nothing to fear. I remind them to be good, smile and make lots of
friends. Their friends will always know what a good person you are.

I also tell them that everyone struggles for one thing or another and I give
them examples of our own struggles. I tell them we need to learn how to
overcome our struggles or try to wait them out.

Patient

Ahmed Kozanoglu in East Troy

Children ages 10 and 8

I tell them to be patient when they get bullied every day because of their
identity at school, and when their teachers tell them to “deal with it.”

Not Your Burden

Tiffany Soule Thiri in Sebring, Fla.

Children ages 8 and 1

We are an interfaith family (Muslim dad,

Sufi/Unitarian mom, Muslim daughter and
one daughter who was baptized Christian).
We explain that it is not our daughter’s burden to explain her daddy’s
religion, but she should always feel comfortable contributing to the
conversation if she wants to. She is not responsible for defending her Muslim
friends and family, but she should always feel proud to be a part of the family
that we have created.

We laugh and tell jokes and remember silly moments, just like any family. We
celebrate traditions, like Eid al Adha, Christmas and Ramadan, and we read
about the history of these practices, and the many wise people, like the
prophets and social activists, who have provided knowledge and who have
done positive things for other people.

We talk about how a very small group of bad people have done some bad
things. We are not defined by the actions of a few people, and we make this
very clear to our daughter.

Being Muslim Is Not a Crime

Mehnaz Mahmood in McKinney, Tex.

Children ages 7 and 9

I want them to know that being Muslim is not a crime.

I try to be a strong Muslim woman with good manners; I let them know that I
am not afraid to wear my hijab out and that they should be proud of being
both American and Muslim.

Be Ready to Fight Back

Aden M. in the Bronx.

Child age 8

I ask him every day to report to me if anything

hurtful was said to him or if any adult made
him uncomfortable. I tell him to be ready to
fight back if someone physically assaults him.

I tell him that some people may blame us for

things that other people who claim to be
Muslim do. I tell him people are scared and
might do things that are wrong, out of fear. I tell
him there is nothing wrong with being Muslim.
No Easy Answers

Ossama Elawad in Connecticut.

Children ages 13, 10 and 5

I always tell my kids to not take the news right from the mainstream media,
but rather to do their own research and try to find the facts from multiple
sources.

We all get offended when the criminals happen to be Muslims and the media
calls them terrorists, but no one else is called that name no matter what
religion or ethnicity. This makes my children always ask the question why
only Muslims are called terrorists and not the other mass shooters or
criminals. It is not easy to answer such a question!

The True Tenets of Islam

Mahnaz Chand Tantawi in Franklin Lakes, N.J.

Twins age 9

I am a physician whose parents immigrated from Pakistan, and my husband

is a pediatrician. His parents immigrated from Egypt. We are Americans
since birth. And we are Muslims. The two identities go together. We have
instilled this identity into our mixed children.

I teach my children the core values of Islam. These core values really make
you a good person. They help you to be caring, conscientious,
community-minded, green, give to charity and spread happiness. These
values do not allow you to be oppressive, wreak terror, kill innocents, or
impose your faith.

This is how I talk to my kids. Not just as a reaction to what extremists are
doing. But so they learn about the true tenets of their Islamic faith.