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Resume or Cover Letter

___________________________________________________

Smarthinking Reviewer Response Form

Hi Emily! My name is Michael M. I look forward to working with you today. I have written comments
about your submission in the form below and embedded comments directly into your work.

Thank you for choosing us to help you improve your employment materials. Let's begin!

What’s Working:
You do a great job of following business letter format. You have your paragraphs placed in block
format and the appropriate headings and salutations that together create a formal and successful
business letter. Great job!

What Needs Work:

I’ve chosen three priorities to focus on as you revise.

Overall Focus/Cohesion
While your passion for helping others obviously comes through in this cover letter, you may want to
include a paragraph in which you address your qualifications and desire for the specific position of
“Director of Outreach Programs.” If you are not currently sure which qualifications you can include
that apply to this directorial position, first work on how you would be a good candidate for this position
by showing why you want the position.

Since it is a position for a director, you might discuss why your career would benefit from testing your
managerial skills. You could also discuss how your passion for helping those with disabilities is pushing
to take the next step and reach more than just a few students each day. For example, you might
discuss how the position of director will improve your ability to reach more people.

Content Development
To improve your content development, you should discuss your experiences just a bit more. For
example, you discuss your educational and service skills in order to show why you would be a good
candidate for this position, but you never show that you possess these skills; you merely state that
you do briefly. Let’s take a closer look:

My experiences working as a Deaf Tutor, Community ASL instructor, and several other volunteering
jobs has given me strong educational skills and strong service skills that will help me be successful as
I pursue a career in this position.

To improve this, offer a few specific details or examples from your life that show you value these same
principles. For example, if school was where you learned these values, briefly mention how your
school taught you these. You might even mention an ASL student that you really enjoyed serving and
getting to know. What matters is that you show you can adequately justify and actually show that you
possess these qualities with evidence.

Sentence Structure
To improve your sentence structure, correct run-on sentences by dividing sentences or connecting
compound sentences together properly. A run-on sentence is when two or more complete sentences
are connected together without the appropriate connecting devices. To fix a run-on sentence, you can
separate the two sentences by changing the comma to an end mark, such as a period, and beginning
the next sentence with a capital letter. Another way to fix a run-on is to connect the two sentences
into a proper compound sentence. A compound sentence is when two or more complete sentences are
connected properly. They can be connected with a comma and coordinating conjunction (and, but, or,
etc.) or with a semicolon ( ; ) if they are closely related. Let’s take a look at one run-on in your essay
and how to fix it:

I discovered this opportunity through the Simply Hired website and I am excited about working in the
outreach programs.

In the above excerpt, there are two complete sentences. The first sentence is, “I discovered this
opportunity through the Simply Hired website.” The second is “I am excited about working in the
outreach programs.” Notice both of these sentences have separate subjects and verbs and express a
complete thought. To fix the error, you could connect them properly into a compound sentence by
placing a comma before the conjunction “and.”

Revision Checklist:

• Discuss your desire for this position specifically.


• Back up your experiences with short examples as evidence.
• Correct run-on sentences.

Thank you, Emily, for your submission! I enjoyed reading it and wish you the best of luck with your
job search. -Michael M.

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in our Writer’s Handbook. Please
look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your submission below. We hope to work with you
again soon!

Emily B. Bowen
917 Fieldstone Way
Richmond, KY 40475
January 31, 2019

Director of Human Resources


Colorado School for the Deaf and Blind
33 N Institute Street
Colorado Springs, CO 80903

Dear Interview Committee:

Please consider me for the Director of Outreach Programs at Colorado School for the Deaf and
Blind (CSDB). I discovered this opportunity through the Simply Hired website and I am excited
about working in the outreach programs.
I will receive my Bachelors in General Studies from Eastern Kentucky University in May 2020.
My interest in Deaf Education began when I was a junior at Kentucky School for the Deaf and I
have developed further through Deaf Studies, American Sign Language and Psychology studies I
have gained during college. [This is another run-on sentence that could be improved through
adding a comma before the conjunction “and.” Remember that it should be placed before
the conjunction that is separating complete sentences not single nouns in your list.] My
experiences working as a Deaf Tutor, Community ASL instructor, and several other volunteering
jobs has given me strong educational skills and strong service skills that will help me be
successful as I pursue a career in this position. [To show the variety of opportunities you have
participated in, you may wish to list one or two of your “several other volunteering jobs.”
Doing this would show you have what it takes to assume this position, especially if any of
these have required managerial experience or further service to others.] I believe you will
find the combination of my education and experience, along with my motivation, enthusiasm,
and my desire to be successful to be an excellent match with the Outreach Program.

Enclosed please find my resume and a list of references for your convenience. I am very
interested in interviewing for this position and I will be contacting you during the week of March
4 to discuss employment opportunities at CSDB. In the meantime, please feel free to contact me
at 859-353-6424. I look forward to speaking with you soon. Thank you very much for your time
and consideration.

Sincerely yours,

Emily B. Bowen

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