Running head: KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 1

Keep It or Leave It: Identifying Quality and Toxic Relationships

Zaina N. Shawar

University of North Carolina at Charlotte

KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 2

Abstract

Knowing what to look for in a relationship can make it easier to avoid the bad ones before they

start.
KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 3

Keep It or Leave It: Identifying Quality and Toxic Relationships

Relationships come and go, but the ones that are often chosen to remain are not the most

helpful. Our hearts long for an ideal relationship and our heads know that sometimes that’s not

realistic. Every relationship goes through hardships; these are the roadblocks we stumble upon,

then find our way around. Hardships like this, where we grow, learn, and improve our Commented [KS1]: Maybe change the wording
to “hardships are where we grow…” and so on.
relationship fall into the grey area. Unfortunately, difficulties in relationships don’t always fall in So just delete like this.
Commented [KS2]: What is meant by grey
this category, which means they do not lead to an improved relationship or growth. area? Maybe find a synonym that is understood
by all or elaborating on what you mean by grey
Misinterpreting problems in a relationship as being temporary, or part of the rough times area.

you must get through before you reach the good times, can be caused by not knowing when Commented [KS3]: I know you said you were
changing all the contractions, so I won’t make
comments on them!
enough is enough in a relationship. Sometimes we don’t know what to believe or take seriously.
Commented [KS4]: Make sure the category is
Sometimes we rather forgive and forget mistakes, than remember them. Sometimes, we forget known so what category are you talking about.
Commented [KS5]: , insert
our own self-worth and what our expectations should be. Signs of quality and toxic relationships
Commented [KS6]: , insert
can be hard to notice at first, but there are ways to make it easier to spot and know the signs for Commented [KS7]: Quality relationships

the future.

A strong foundation is the base to any success. It can be tricky to understand relationships

and figuring out what went wrong can be trickier. Leaving a toxic relationship can also be tough, Commented [KS8]: but

before building the ability to do just that, you need to work on that foundation. The best thing to Commented [KS9]: reword this sentence… its
kinda hard to read
do in a situation like this is to stop and start from square one, otherwise, you might continue

taking one step forward and two steps back. That will lead to nowhere. There is no better place to

start with having a relationship, then the one you have with yourself.

This foundation is necessary because no one knows or will be able to understand you,

more than yourself. As Tracy McMillan says in her TED talk, “the person you really need to

marry is yourself, because that is who you will be with till death do you part” (McMillan, 2014).
KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 4

Loving yourself is the best relationship you can have. A relationship in which you appreciate

yourself and everything you are, is the first step to future relationships and the ability know your

self-worth. Knowing and protecting your self-worth will make it easier when determining if a

relationship is worth your time or if it is detrimental to your well-being. Commented [KS10]: good paragraph!

Happiness within yourself is another factor that makes up the foundation to having a

successful relationship. Expecting to find happiness in someone else without already finding it in

yourself, can make it difficult to determine if a relationship is giving you what you need. In the

book Authentic Happiness, by Martin Seligman, he discusses happiness as a way of improving

yourself and the positive emotions that should surround you. According to Seligman “feeling

positive emotion is important, not just because it is pleasant in its own right, but because it

causes much better commerce with the world.” (Seligman, 43). Happiness can affect the Commented [KS11]: Add period if this was a
complete sentence in the book.
conversations you have with people, the responses you give and get, and the way you feel about

yourself.

If you are not used to knowing what happiness within yourself is like, you will accept

what others give you and it will be harder to notice the signs of a healthy or unhealthy

relationship. It could also make it difficult to leave an unhealthy one; not knowing your own

happiness or self-worth can leave you dependent on another person. It might be scary to leave

them and start over with yourself or somebody else. By being happy with yourself and leaving

the negative emotions behind, it will be easier to have not only more confidence, but also better

interactions with others. You will go into a relationship with better expectations. When you set

basic expectations towards how your happiness should or should not be affected, the signs of a

toxic relationship will be more recognizable.

KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 5

Relationships and happiness go hand in hand for the foundation you need to build. You

need to be happy with who you are to have a successful relationship with yourself. Being happy

with who you are means you appreciate everything you have; your personality, your body, your

mind, your imperfections, as well as your perfections. You also need to know what your own

happiness is, in order to have a better relationship with others. Positive emotions and happiness

can build friendships, love connections, better physical health, and greater achievements

(Seligman, 43). In the long run, knowing your happiness will make it easier to acknowledge

when a relationship is detrimental and is beginning to alter it. When your happiness starts to

change, depending on whether it's good or bad, you can start to see if your relationship is taking

a beneficial path, or a toxic one. Commented [KS12]: You can say a “beneficial
or toxic path” to eliminate a comma.
Once you improve the relationship and happiness you have with yourself, it will become

easier to look for the toxic signs of a relationship. When you have a foundation to lean on it will Commented [KS13]: Insert comma

become difficult for people to take advantage of you. Having said that, sometimes we are

unaware or oblivious to the harmful relationships we have, and we go a long time without

recognizing their effects. Friendships for example, are held close to our hearts, but sometimes Commented [KS14]: Insert comma

people tend to take advantage of a friend or do not treat them right. Luckily, there are clues and

subtle patterns that can be watched out for. A big clue of a toxic friendship is feeling like you are

constantly being compared to other friends or a set of impossible standards that are one sided

(Heitler, 2016). There should not be a competition with the other friends and you should not feel

like you must be like them. A friend should be accepting and not try and control or change you.

Competition between you and your friend is another sign to look out for. Of course, there

is friendly competition, but that can become toxic if the competition is derived from envy or

hate. The constant need to be competitive can lead to forgetting to celebrate the other’s
KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 6

successes, and that is a sign that a relationship is starting to become toxic (Berndt, 2002). As a

friend or a loved one, you should never forget to be happy for the other person. There should not

be so much jealousy that you cannot recognize the other’s successes. A relationship should be a

give and take, where both parties get a chance to talk about themselves, how they are feeling, or

what they are doing in their lives, in general. A sign that a give and take is moving towards a Commented [KS15]: Probably don’t need the
in general part.
take only on the friend’s behalf is when they talk about their lousy day, or good day, and when

it’s your turn to talk they avoid the conversation, take a phone call, or leave early (Livingston,

2016). They leave you with your thoughts without giving you a chance to be listened to as you

had just listened to them.

Maybe the next time you call them and meet up you get to talk about yourself, but it’s Commented [KS16]: It seems like the first
sentence and even the paragraph is stemming off
important to note how long they listen or help you with your problems. You text your friend, call the paragraph before it so you could probably get
away with combining the paragraphs or at the
them, snap chat with them, but are you the only one starting all these conversations. Contact is least move the first sentence to paragraph before
it.
important, it shows you are invested in the friendship, so is your friend contacting you as much

as you are with them, are they opening conversations, calling you first? The opposite also

applies, maybe they are contacting you too much and they are becoming demanding and

obsessive (Livingston, 2016). They text you every couple of hours and call you three times a

day. Both are signs of an unhealthy relationship and are often ignored. Commented [KS17]: “… a day, either of these
are signs of an…”
Toxic relationships have many ignored signs, and most of the time we ignore those signs

because we think our feelings are not justifiable. This tends to happen with loved ones a lot and

can make it difficult to know when you are in a harmful relationship, like one that is verbally Commented [KS18]: Delete and put “making”

abusive. You might feel like your partner is constantly against you, doesn’t listen to what you Commented [KS19]: “, for example,”

have to say, ignores and degrades you. The problem is that sometimes when a person brings it Commented [KS20]: Inset you,

up, the partner will dismiss it and call them too sensitive. The feeling that they are right starts to
KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 7

consume you and you listen to them. Other signs of verbally abusive relationships include

feeling disconnected, lost, pushed around, and not in control. Having an important dream

shattered by the one you love is a sign that they do not care about your aspirations and successes,

and they are not with you, they are against you (Evans, 24). A lot of the time people do not know

they are in a verbally abusive relationship until they leave it (Evans, 23). They cannot Commented [KS21]: If these are from the same
source, you only have to cite after the last
understand the signs that are in front of them because they no longer know what the relationship sentence from the source… I think… I’m pretty
sure actually.
once was. When they leave it and start over, they are free and can recognize the toxic

environment they were in and how their happiness, independence, and lives have improved, Commented [KS22]: Delete the comma

since leaving. If they are ever in the situation again, after working on themselves, it will be easier

to spot these toxic signs.

A bad relationship can be like a bullet you didn’t know you were carrying around with

you, but after years of dealing with the hurt you realize it was there the whole time. The negative

effects it left like making you feel worthless or unimportant start taking a toll (Livingston, 2016).

As people we tend to constantly forgive and forget, and that leads to more problems in the end.

Especially since most of the time, we don’t forgive, we just put our pain away in a box and

forget to label it. It’s when we remember and confront that pain, that allows us to move forward,

and prevent it from happening again. It’s then that we can learn from past relationships and

conflicts and make sure they are not repeated.

While it is can become easier to see signs of a toxic relationship once you improve your

self-worth and happiness, it is extremely helpful to consider the healthy signs of relationships

and what you want to strive for. A healthy relationship has healthy boundaries. These boundaries Commented [KS23]: Beginning of the sentence
is hard to read… maybe re-word
allow you to be yourself, without trying to conform you in ways that hurt or make you feel
Commented [KS24]: delete
uncomfortable. Emotional abuse does not exist when healthy boundaries are in place because Commented [KS25]: insert you
KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 8

you respect the other person enough to be there for them and not try to change them. Checking if

boundaries are healthy can be done talking to your friend about what’s on your mind and Commented [KS26]: insert “by”

listening to how they respond and if they value what you are saying (Ciulla, 2017). You should

not be scared to say what’s on your mind, because in a healthy relationship there are no eggshells

surrounding your words, there is no reason to fear the other person’s response to what you have Commented [KS27]: delete comma insert
“and”
to say. If you can talk openly and freely than it is a strong relationship.
Commented [KS28]: then
Mutual trust and honesty are necessary for any healthy relationship to prosper. Trust and

honesty are a part of the healthy boundaries a relationship should have. If you are not able to be

honest with your friend or significant other and trust that they will have your back through thick

and thin, then you should address that. If they value what you say and work through the

problems there might be, then the relationship is important to them as well. Wanting what’s best

for each other is one of the biggest signs a friendship is beneficial (Ciulla, 2017), this means that Commented [KS29]: insert “that”

you celebrate each other and everything you achieve, and you look out for each other, you do not Commented [KS30]: period and then capatilize
“this”
say what the other person wants to hear, you say what will benefit them.

When does enough become enough? You cannot go back to the past, you cannot change

it, but what you can do is remember it for the future. Seeing the signs of which path a

relationship will take, good or bad, will get easier with time, when attention is given to the signs

that might have been missed in previous relationships. It can be hard to learn from our past and

what we endured, but it is necessary to look back and remember so you will not be fooled twice.
KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 9

References

Berndt, T. J. (2002). Friendship quality and social development. Current Directions in

Psychological Science, 11 (1), 7–10. Retrieved from

https://doi.org/10.1111/1467-8721.00157 Commented [KS31]: Remove the hyperlinks

Ciulla, A. (2017). 5 Marks of healthy friendships. Beach House Find Freedom: A Connected

Life, a Beach House Blog. Retrieved from

https://www.beachhouserehabcenter.com/blog/5-marks-of-healthy-friendships/

Evans, P. (2010). The verbally abusive relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond

(pp. 22-25). Simon and Schuster.

Heitler, S. (2016). 8 Signs of a toxic friendship. Psychology Today. Retrieved from

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201603/8-signs-toxic-

friendship

Livingston, S. (2016). 8 Signs of a toxic friendship. TEDx talks. Retrieved from

https://youtu.be/-94Ql0UphdA

McMillan, T. (2014). The person you really need to marry. TEDx talks. Retrieved from

https://youtu.be/P3fIZuW9P_M

Seligman, M. E. (2004). Authentic happiness: Using the new positive psychology to realize your

potential for lasting fulfillment (pp. 40-45). Simon and Schuster.

KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 10

Footnotes
1
[Add footnotes, if any, on their own page following references. For APA formatting

requirements, it’s easy to just type your own footnote references and notes. To format a footnote

reference, select the number and then, on the Home tab, in the Styles gallery, click Footnote

Reference. The body of a footnote, such as this example, uses the Normal text style. (Note: If

you delete this sample footnote, don’t forget to delete its in-text reference as well. That’s at the

end of the sample Heading 2 paragraph on the first page of body content in this template.)] Commented [KS32]: Haha don’t forget to
delete this.
KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 11

Tables

Table 1

[Table Title]

Column Head Column Head Column Head Column Head Column Head
Row Head 123 123 123 123
Row Head 456 456 456 456
Row Head 789 789 789 789
Row Head 123 123 123 123
Row Head 456 456 456 456
Row Head 789 789 789 789

Note: [Place all tables for your paper in a tables section, following references (and, if applicable, Commented [KS33]: And this

footnotes). Start a new page for each table, include a table number and table title for each, as

shown on this page. All explanatory text appears in a table note that follows the table, such as

this one. Use the Table/Figure style, available on the Home tab, in the Styles gallery, to get the

spacing between table and note. Tables in APA format can use single or 1.5 line spacing.

Include a heading for every row and column, even if the content seems obvious. A default table

style has been setup for this template that fits APA guidelines. To insert a table, on the Insert tab,

click Table.]
KEEP IT OR LEAVE IT 12

Figures title:

0
Category 1 Category 2 Category 3 Category 4

Series 1 Series 2 Series 3

Figure 1. [Include all figures in their own section, following references (and footnotes and tables,

if applicable). Include a numbered caption for each figure. Use the Table/Figure style for easy

spacing between figure and caption.]

For more information about all elements of APA formatting, please consult the APA Style

Manual, 6th Edition. Commented [KS34]: And this