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Authored by Shirley J. Davis

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A First-Hand Account
of your printer paper.

Shirley J. Davis
 Introduction

Copyright 2016 There are some books out there that tell the story of
what it is like to live with Dissociative Identity
Shirley J. Davis Disorder (DID) which have been written by people
who actually have the disorder, but not many. Most of
those works concentrate on the abuse and neglect
ISBN: 13:978-1539948025 which caused the authors to become multiples. This
book will describe in what are believed to be the root
causes of Dissociative Identity Disorder as well as the
accepted treatment and the controversies which
surround this condition. I will also discuss integration
and life beyond therapy, two subjects which have
very little literature written about them. I understand
well and know from a first-hand perspective what
DID is like as I lived and still live with the after
effects of this disorder. I will not dwell on
sensationalism but rather on the facts as they are
known today. It is my hope that people, including
clients and Therapists, will utilize this book as a
resource to achieving improved mental health. Good
luck on your journey.

2 3
 Psychological Trauma
One cannot discuss the diagnosis of Dissociative
Identity Disorder without first talking about
psychological trauma. The DSM-IV-TR defines
psychological trauma as:

The direct personal experience of an event that

involves actual or threatened death or serious injury;
threat to one's physical integrity, witnessing an event
that involves the above experience, learning about
unexpected or violent death, serious harm, or threat of
death, or injury experienced by a family member or
close associate. Memories associated with trauma are
implicit, pre-verbal and cannot be recalled, but can be
triggered by stimuli from the in vivo (within the
living person’s) environment. The person's response
to aversive details of traumatic event involve intense
fear, helplessness or horror. In children it is
manifested as disorganized or agitative behaviors.

As you can see the DSM-IV’s definition is very

broad. There are several key elements worthy of
mentioning however, the person sees or fears death or
serious injury and a threat to their body. Also, please
note that they have listed as a response to these
emotionally stimulating events intense fear,

4 5
helplessness or horror. A person who is traumatized
will also experience many of the following
psychological symptoms:
 Shock, denial or disbelief
 Confusion, difficulty concentrating
 Anger, irritability, mood swings
 Anxiety and fear
 Guilt, shame, self-blame
 Withdrawing from others
 Feeling sad or hopeless
 Feeling disconnected or numb
 Neglect
 Bullying
It is important to remember that there is no right or
wrong way to experience or express having endured
trauma either as an adult or a child. We all respond
differently to our circumstances. One person’s hang
nail may be another person’s tragedy. It is all up to
our individual abilities to handle stressors in our
world.

They may well experience the following physical

symptoms as well:

 Insomnia or nightmares
 Fatigue
 Being startled easily
 Racing heartbeat
 Edginess and agitation
 Aches and pains
 Muscle tension

The causes of trauma in childhood are numerous and

varied. A short list of possible causes is below:

 Unstable or unsafe environment

 Separation from a parent
 Serious illness
 Intrusive medical procedures
 Sexual, physical or verbal abuse
 Domestic violence
6 7

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Most traumatic events are of a limited or one-time
duration and no one escapes life without experiencing
at least one of them in their lifetime. However, some
traumas are severe in their scope and are repeated for
months or years causing a great deal of psychological
harm. People who live through such intense stress are
often reported to suffer with severe symptoms long
after the events stop occurring. Along with the
symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder they
exhibit further symptoms which change the way they
see and adapt to their world. Such is the life of a
person with Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Some of the long-term traumas associated with this
disorder include but are not limited to:
 Concentration camps
 Prisoner of War camps
 Prostitution brothels
 Long-term domestic violence
 Long-term child physical abuse
8 9
 Long-term child sexual abuse
 Organized child exploitation rings
In these instances, the person feels completely
helpless and unable to escape. They are overwhelmed
in their ability to cope and the mind simply cannot
deal with the fear and dread brought on by these
intrusive experiences. In response, the person begins
to find ways to live as normally as possible in an
impossible situation. Long after these situations have
been resolved and “normal” life has been returned or
has been granted the person will exhibit symptoms
that are much worse than those exhibited by those
who have PTSD. Some of these symptoms may
include:
 A persistent sadness, suicidal thoughts,
explosive anger or lack of anger.
 Forgetting the traumatic events, reliving the
events or having episodes in which they feel
detached (dissociation).
 Helplessness, shame, guilt, stigma and a sense
of being different from others.
 Distorted thinking about the perpetrator such
as becoming preoccupied with wanting a
relationship with the perpetrator, or
concentrating on revenge.
 Isolating, distrust or repeated search for a
rescuer in relationships with others.
 Loss of sustaining faith or a deep sense of
hopelessness and despair.
 Avoidance of thinking or talking about the
trauma event due to feeling overwhelmed
  Alcohol or other substance abuse
 Self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm

This disorder is not considered a separate disorder in

the new DSM-V but as you can see there are
definitive differences between it and the well-known
and studied PTSD.
Dissociation and Dissociative Disorders

“Normal” Dissociation
Everyone dissociates. This is a normal phenomenon
every one of us experience several times in our lives.
Some examples of normal dissociation are:

 Daydreaming
 Highway hypnosis
 Blanking out during a conversation
 Feeling unfamiliar when looking in the mirror
 Feeling dreamlike about other people or the
world
 Having a sense that time is slowing down
(especially during a traumatic event)

These types of feelings are a natural reaction to

traumatic events or simply to boredom and high
levels of stress in life. These dissociations pass
quickly and do not indicate the presence of any
psychiatric disorder.

10 11
 Dissociative Disorders
According to The National Alliance for the Mentally
Ill (NAMI) Dissociative Disorders:
“are characterized by an involuntary escape from
reality characterized by a disconnection between
thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory. People
from all age groups and racial, ethnic and
socioeconomic backgrounds can experience a
dissociative disorder.”
Some types of this disorder are as follows:
 Psychogenic amnesia-the inability to recall
personally significant memories.
 Psychogenic fugue-memory loss characteristic
of amnesia, loss of one’s identity and fleeing
from one’s home.
 Depersonalization-this is a feeling of being
detached from yourself or looking at yourself
from the outside, as an observer would.
 Derealization-this is a feeling of detachment
from the world around you, or a sense that
people or things feel unreal.
 Identity confusion-this is a feeling of internal
conflict of who you are – having difficulty in
defining yourself.
It is important to note that all dissociative disorders
have their common root cause in severe trauma.
12
Dissociative Identity Disorder
The prevalence of DID in the general population of
the United States is 1% (1 out of 100) afflicting
around 3.2 million people. It is Schizophrenia which
afflicts 3.5 million people in the US.
There are five criteria that must be met to meet the
definition given in the DSM-V. They are as
follows:
1. Two or more distinct identities or personality states
are present, each with its own relatively
enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to and
thinking about the environment and self.
2. Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall
of everyday events, important personal
information and/or traumatic events.
3. The person must be distressed by the disorder or
have trouble functioning in one or more major
life areas because of the disorder.
4. The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or
religious practices.
5. The symptoms are not due to the direct
physiological effects of a substance (such as
blackouts or chaotic behavior during alcohol
intoxication) or a general medical condition
(such as complex partial seizures).
13
Dissociative Identity Disorder was formerly known as  Generalized anxiety
Multiple Personality Disorder. As can be seen in the  Major depression
above number one in the five criteria listed in the  Eating disorders
DSM this disorder is characterized by alternating  Drug or alcohol dependency
between multiple identities. A person may feel like  Body memories
one or more voices are trying to take control in their  Severe headaches
head or experience the other personality taking over  Unexplained medical symptoms, especially
the body. Often these identities may have unique chronic pain
names, characteristics, mannerisms and voices.  Self-harm
People with DID will experience gaps in memory of  Suicidal thoughts and behaviors
every day events, personal information and trauma.  Flashbacks
Onset for the full disorder at can happen at any age,  Relational difficulties
but it is more likely to occur in people who have  Issues of shame and poor self-esteem
experienced severe, ongoing trauma before the age of
5. Women are more likely to be diagnosed, as they
more frequently present with acute dissociative
symptoms. Men are more likely to deny symptoms
and trauma histories, and commonly exhibit more
violent behavior, rather than amnesia or fugue states
(a rare psychiatric disorder characterized by
reversible amnesia for personal identity, including the
memories, personality, and other identifying
characteristics of individuality).

In addition to the dissociation and switching between

different alters, a person with dissociative identity
disorder may experience the following symptoms:

 Hearing inner voices

 Nightmares
 Panic attacks

14 15
This is the disorder that I have lived with all of my If you believe you live with this disorder or know
life. The abuse I endured began at birth and raged on someone who does please seek or help them seek
for all of my childhood until I was an adolescent. I help. There is no way a person afflicted with this
experienced the alters as parts of myself that I could disorder can “pull themselves together” without the
not access but heard all the same. I thought it was help of a well-trained Therapist. Do not expect to get
normal to have others talking to me and taking over well overnight either. It took me 27 years or arduous
for me when things got too hard. I had no way of work to gain my freedom from the symptoms of DID.
understanding that what I was experiencing on a daily It may take you less time, but it will require a great
basis wasn’t “normal”. When I became an adult this deal from you if you wish to be free. I do not say this
marvelous coping mechanism became a stone around lightly or to frighten you, but to encourage you to
my neck. I found I avoided relationships (especially fight on and never give up. As my Therapist once
the intimate kind) and had “mysterious” things impressed upon me, the best revenge is to get well
happening to and about me all the time. I would find and to live well.
clothes in my closet I didn’t remember buying and
even found large sums of cash in my underwear
drawer that I did not know where it came from. These
anomalies I just put down to a horrific memory and
went on as best I could until one day the memories of
the abuse I had endured began to resurface on its
own. I could not escape the overwhelming emotions
and horrific scenes being played out in my mind and I
knew that if I didn’t get help I would self-destruct.

After beginning treatment, I became aware that there

are numerous parts of me living in here. Now we live
in harmony but at one time chaos reigned.

16 17

The Brain and Trauma
The Average Brain
Everyone has experienced the feeling of stage fright
from being in front of a group of people to sing or
talk and feeling an overwhelming feeling of fear. This
feeling is being brought to you by way of two
almond-shaped masses of tissues deep in the brain
called the amygdala. In these parts of your brain,
about the size of thumb nails are centered the control
of autonomic responses normally associated with
fear, arousal and emotional stimulation. The
amygdala is necessary for the decoding of emotions
especially threatening stimuli. This stimuli reaches
the amygdala by two different highways each
complimenting the other. A short and not too precise
method comes from the thalamus which allows us to
prepare for potential danger before knowing exactly
18
what the danger is, and a longer route comes from the
medial prefrontal cortex aka the area of the brain
involved in the final phase of fear reaction to danger
the choice of action to avoid it.
Fear and Anxiety are not, as one might think,
intrinsically linked. Instead they are distinctly
different emotions. Fear is a physical response to
danger where anxiety is a psychological response to
perceived danger.
For example: You see a spider (assuming you are
afraid of them) and a fear response is triggered.
Anxiety is a feeling of being at risk but in no real
danger. However, fear causes you to jump and leave
the room because you have perceived a danger and
acted before giving it deeper thought.
Fear and anxiety come from different regions of the
amygdala with fear emanating from the central
nucleus, the area responsible for commands for bodily
responses to fear and anxiety coming from the area
responsible for emotions that causes slower, longer
lasting responses that may last long after the threat
ends.
The Effects of Stress on the Brain
And DID
When you experience distress such as intense fear
there are many instinctual reactions your body and
brain undergo to ready you for fight or flight (you
will become ready to either run away from the danger
or to stand and fight for your life). I will briefly
19
outline the automatic responses your body goes
through to ready you for a threatening event.
Remember, I am not a doctor and do not claim to be.
The information listed below is common knowledge
easily researched on the Internet.
First your amygdala perceives a situation that it
perceives as extreme danger. It immediately
chemically triggers a stress response by sending a
signal to the hypothalamus and pituitary gland (both
are also located in your brain). Your brain then sends
nerve signals down the spinal cord to the adrenal
glands telling them to release the hormone adrenaline
to increase the amount of sugar in your blood and to
raise your blood pressure. The brain’s hypothalamus
also sends signals to the pituitary gland telling it to
release a very important stress hormone known as
cortisol. This chemical is responsible for making you
ready to escape from the perceived danger.
All of the above mentioned reactions of your brain to
stress are normal and vital to survival in a world where
danger literally can lurk around every corner. The
problem comes when these responses go on for weeks
or years. The raised levels of cortisol can do major
damage to the immune system and damage the brains
ability to adapt including impairing of a person’s
20
memory. Not only is memory impaired but the
structures of the limbic system (the parts of the brain
in the picture at the beginning of this section which
control emotion and memory) can become damaged.
Many, (if not most) people with diagnosed DID have
smaller than usual volumes of amygdala and
hippocampal tissue. There have been many studies
done that show that the brains of people who live with
the disorder have abnormal brains and thus my
argument is that people who have this disorder can
never be “normal” in the sense that an average person
has one personality and we have many facets to ours.
This hyperarousal reaction with raised cortisol levels
may also explain why so many people who live with
DID also have numerous physical ailments which
cannot be explained away by conventional means such
as cancer. It is known that high levels of this hormone
in the blood over extended periods of time will cause a
breakdown of the autoimmune response.
Also affected are the person’s ability to respond
correctly to stimuli. The person who lived in constant
danger as a child (thus the development of DID) may
perceive danger everywhere and at all times. We are
hyperaware of everything around us at all times as our
shrunken amygdalae struggle to make sense out of the
everyday stimuli they encounter every day. To make
matters worse the brain recalls dangers from the past
as though they are happening today by mismatching
cues (triggers) from the surrounding environment to
the dangers of childhood. A good example would be
(for me this is true) the smell of
21
beer and certain types of strong men’s cologne. The
mixture may trigger a memory fragment of extreme
danger from something that happened fifty years prior
but which is not happening now. The person’s body
will not know the difference as the damaged amygdala
fires a warning signal to the body releasing stress
hormones of a perceived risk that simply isn’t
happening in the now. Thus the person will have all
the sensations and physical response as they did when
the danger was actually happening.
Therapy

As I have stated in this work it is necessary to have a

Brain Maturity
One reason people who live with DID find themselves
seemingly suddenly to remember incidences of the
abuse has to do with brain maturity. The brains of
humans generally mature around the age of 30-40
depending on your genetic makeup (sometimes earlier,
sometimes later). When the traumatic memories were
made the brain was able to compartmentalize them but
upon maturity the synapses that had been separated
mature and make contact. Suddenly these intrusive
memories begin to flood back.
Remember, I told you I am not a Doctor nor a
Clinician and as I also said this information is freely
available on the Internet. Look it up for yourself, it is a
fascinating study.
good Therapist to overcome the effects of severe
childhood trauma, especially when the diagnosis of
DID is present. In my opinion the main reason for this
is the need for validation and someone to urge you on
when the going gets tough. Therapy is no picnic. In
fact, it is the hardest work I have ever done outside of
surviving the abuse in the first place. It’s a grueling
(and in itself traumatizing) thing to endure.
Choosing a Therapist.
When choosing a Therapist there are several different
things to consider. The first and foremost is does the
person you are talking to have any experience in
dealing with Dissociative Disorders? If not, are they
willing to learn and work with you as you learn how
to cope? If you live in a region like I do where there
is a very limited number of Psychiatrists and
Therapists you will find the pickings slim. However,
if you do not locate a person who at least believes in
your diagnosis and in the symptomology you are

22 23
presenting to them (in other words you) than you will
be wasting your time talking to them. I have had
Therapists who were total wastes of my time and
effort. They either didn’t have the training to deal
with my problems and/or they hadn’t the training to
deal with the complexity of my needs. Both problems
became apparent rather early on in my treatment and
so I moved on looking for someone who could help
me.
Something to keep in mind when choosing a
Therapist is to pay attention to their attitude toward
you. Do they show proper respect and empathy or do
they feel they are somehow better than you because
they do not have a mental illness? Do they have
expectations for you to get well and to do well or do
they harbor thoughts of “What’s the use” in their
minds when dealing with your diagnosis? These are
very important considerations. If you do find yourself
dealing with a Therapist who does not show respect
for you or who expects less than a full recovery for
you then you have the right to cut off communication
with that person and seek help elsewhere. Do not
settle for less than professionalism and for someone
who believes in you.
What to Expect and Not to Expect
I think one of the worse mistakes people make when
they enter therapy is expecting too much or the wrong
things from their Therapist. He/she is only a human
with a high amount of training and a degree. They are
not God nor can they read your mind. They are
24
trained not to give advice unless a situation absolutely
warrants it and to use observation and reflective
listening to help you find your way. Don’t enter
therapy expecting your Therapist to have all of the
answers in a list of things from point A to point B for
you to do to get well. It doesn’t work that way. A
Therapist will help you pick through your
dysfunctional thinking and distorted beliefs one at a
time week by week but they are not soothsayers and
they know that ultimately it is all up to you. You are
in control of that fifty minutes. If you want to talk
about the weather well they will do that. If you want
to space out and not say a word they will allow you
to. It has been my experience that I needed to go in
with an open mind and not plan exactly what I am
going to say ahead of time. Come on, you know what
I mean. I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time
thinking of exactly how and what I’m going to say
before I ever stepped foot in the door of my
Therapist’s office. Instead think of a main topic and
leave it lay until you are sitting safely in the office
chair facing your Therapist, you will find you get
much better results.
The Decision to Get Well
I know it may sound like a no brainer but think about
it. All your life you have struggled with depression
and feelings of inadequacy and now you are in a fight
for your life. It only makes sense that the first major
decision you will face in therapy is deciding that you
are going to get well. Allow me to root you on in this.
I remember the days of feeling that I would never see
25
the light of day again, especially on those instances
when I was hospitalized for being exhausted and
suicidal. I can assure you of this, if you fight you will
one day emerge the winner of this horrible fight! Yes,
there will be some dark days ahead but I guarantee
you that these days will pass and the sun will shine! I
know because I’ve sat where you are sitting right now
and have emerged on the other side a victor. Am I
braver or smarter than you? Absolutely not. Is the
abuse I went through less than yours in some degree
that makes me somehow more able to conquer my
past? Nope. If I took the time to outline the abuse I’ve
survived you would see that you and I have an awful
lot in common. (Comparing my abuse to yours would
be useless anyhow, it would be comparing apples to
oranges) Hang in there, make the decision that you
will get well even if it is to make sure that your
abusers don’t win.
Making the Decision to Live
I know all too well what it is like going through the
first hellish days if not years of therapy. Nine chances
out of ten it was suicidality which forced you into
therapy in the first place. The pain endured during
therapy is palpable. I understand first hand just how
horrendous this process is and I’m saying right here
and now that sooner or later you will need to make
the decision to give up on that kind of negative self-
talk and defeatism. You will need to make the
decision that you are going to live. I know how
tempting it is to keep the thought of self-destruction
on the back burner saved for that moment when you
26
simply can take no more. I’ve attempted suicide
several times, the first time when I was seven years
old. Am I proud of this fact? No. I simply state it as a
matter of record to say that I do understand where you
are at and that I hope you will hear my voice, the
voice of someone who knows and has been there.
This isn’t a decision that came to me lightly or
quickly. It took time and a very patient Therapist to
get me to this point. I love life now and I can say it
would take an enormous amount of stress to pull me
out of the place where I am now. I am thriving not
just living and more aware of life than most people
who have not been through the emotional turmoil I
have will ever be. There is so much for you to look
forward to, don’t give up! Live!
Medications
There are no medications that can treat DID but there
are some that can treat the symptoms you may be
experiencing such as major depression. If you need to
take these medications then don’t be afraid to do so.
Be cautious though. Some of the medications given
for sleep disturbances and anxiety are highly
addictive and can make more problems than they
solve. Make sure to keep those appointments with
your medical professional and keep them posted on
how you are doing. Honesty is the best policy always
with the people who control your meds. If you feel
you are abusing a substance than please make sure to
say something. It would be a horrible shame for you
to be making progress in therapy only to have your
27
psyche taken over by substance abuse. If you are self-
medicating such as using alcohol or street drugs
please stop. Get help. You are too valuable and have
too much potential to be lost now to their use.
My Views on Guided Imagery and Hypnosis
These are my perceptions. I cannot see the value of
using guided imagery or hypnosis to deal with trauma
memories. In my view using these techniques can be
dangerous and can cause further trauma adding to a
problem which already exists. The Therapist risks
being accused of planting (accidentally or on
purpose) false memories and the client risks having
their memory compromised. I believe in the recovery
of memories from childhood abuse, however I believe
it should come naturally and not be forced. Believe
me, when it is time to remember, you will.
28
The Ten Stages of Recovery
Having lived through the process of recovery from
Dissociative Identity Disorder I feel I am in a great
position to tell how it can be achieved. Do I have all
the answers? No. Do I understand exactly the process
that I went through? No. I can only speak of the
stages I have identified and how that I have come
through each of them. I am not a Therapist nor am I a
Psychiatrist, I am merely a woman who has a lot of
lived experience on this subject. Below I have listed
ten stages. There may be more but these are the
definitive ones I am aware of as an ordinary person
like yourself.
One: Suspicion That Something is Wrong
I began to understand that something just wasn’t right
back when I was in the fourth grade. I had a friend
become an enemy because she said I called her names
and yelled at her. I remember being so confused
because I had no memory of what she was talking
about. I sat for hours after our encounter and
pondered what she had said to me. These type of
incidents occurred often in my life right up until just a
few years ago. When I was a young adult I suffered
from terrible depression and bouts of anxiety that I
29
could not reconcile with my life. Where were these
horrendous feelings of self-destructiveness coming
from? Why were people saying I said and did things I
could not remember? By the time I entered therapy I
had decided that everyone lived like that and that I
had an extraordinarily bad memory. It was only after
my Therapist pointed out that these things weren’t the
norm that I began to suspect again that I wasn’t like
everyone else.
Two: Discovery
One must understand that in the beginning of my
journey down the road less traveled I had very few
memories of the abuse and neglect I had endured as a
child. I remembered two incidences of sexual abuse
but no more. Shortly before I began therapy the
memories I had been so careful to file away from my
consciousness suddenly began to flood back. They
were unwanted and very traumatic. It was akin to
vomiting, I couldn’t control when or how the
memories would surface and they came up with great
force.
Three: Chaos
The chaos of living with the realities of what had
been my childhood had begun. Suddenly I was
overrun with emotions and flashbacks of horrendous
things that I found incomprehensible. The feelings of
worthlessness and helplessness threatened my
existence. I sought and found professional help only
30
after realizing I could not handle what I had
discovered about my life on my own.
Four: Grieving
Grieving over the loss of what I had always thought
of as normalcy in my childhood was devastating.
Until I became aware that my childhood was marked
with unspeakable evil acts by people I should have
been able to trust I had thought my childhood was no
different than someone else’s. The realization that this
is simply not true caused a great deal of despair.
Five: Learning
I learned how to cope with the memories and
flashbacks of what had happened so long ago. The
memories had to be allowed to surface, be dealt with
and allowed to fade into the past where they belong
without minimizing or forgetting them. I was
diagnosed with DID and PTSD two mechanisms
which had kept me in a state of limbo all of my life. I
had to learn how to deal with the flashbacks
employing many techniques such as mindfulness and
physical cues.
Six: Reaching Out
I began to reach out to others like myself who have
been victims of childhood trauma. I found two online
websites where I was wanted and accepted (they are
listed in the resource section of this work). I found
great comfort in communicating with and hobnobbing
31
with these folks who understood me and my condition
first hand. The quote that “no man is an island” is so
true. No one can face these issues without help.
Reaching out helped to dispel the stigma and self-
victimization which comes with the knowledge that
one has such a severe mental condition such as DID
which can bring on isolation.
Seven: Dependence
I inevitably became dependent on the care and
concern of my Therapist for a while. This was not
harmful as I had a very professional and well-
seasoned Therapist who understood this stage well.
She became in many ways the mother I never had. I
depended on her to teach me the skills I needed to in
order to become the woman I was intended to be all
along. When she retired we parted under great terms
she to a more private life and myself to a wonderful
life of wholeness and reality.
Eight: Acceptance
I finally got to the stage where I could accept my life
both in the past and present as simply being what they
are, no more and no less. I am who I am because of
my experiences, and a vital part of acceptance is to
understand this concept. Where in the beginning
stages I wished I could return to my denial to get out
of the pain, now I began to be grateful for all of my
experiences. Good and bad they have shaped and
molded me to the beautiful person who now writes
these words. Without them I would be someone
32
totally different and perhaps more shallow and with
less self-understanding.
Nine: Resolution
There came a day when I had remembered all that
was necessary to remember and cried all the tears that
were necessary to cry. I was ready to allow my past to
fade into the background in a healthy manner and had
found myself. Had I become enlightened? Yes and
no. Yes, in the essence that I know who I am and that
I want to be happy, but no in that I am like everyone
else, struggling to find my path through the maze we
call life. Welcome to reality.
Ten: Moving On
This is where I am now. I left therapy a month ago.
This does not mean all my problems are behind me or
that I will not need to seek professional help in the
future. It does not mean the flashbacks are gone
forever. What it does mean is that I am at peace with
myself and that I have learned all the skills I need to
proceed into my life unhindered and unafraid. This is
the hoped for outcome of all who enter recovery from
childhood trauma and DID.
The above stages seem to be laid out nice and neat
but one must remember that, just like the stages of
grief, people will go through many of these stages
over and over again. Sometimes you will feel you
have surfaced from the water of chaos and grief only
33
to be knocked back into it the very next day. The
important thing I wish to relay about this is that there
is an end to it. You will not always have to go in and
out of these stages. If you work hard and keep on
trucking one day you’ll awaken and realize you’ve
had more good days than bad that week. You’ll
understand that you’re crying more with your
Therapist and not holding things in like you once did.
You’ll feel the healing happening. This is the
wonderful and enlightening feeling you have to look
forward to.
34
The Myth and Reality of Integration
Not much has been written on the topic of integration.
It is perhaps one of the least understood aspects of
recovery from Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Bringing up this subject can bring on fits of fear in
the person who is struggling to get free of the
disabling effects of DID on a person’s life. In
classical thinking, and that which has permeated our
society via the perpetuation of myth, is that a person
who exists as a multiple personality somehow must
pull all of their alters into one cohesive personality
just like the “normal” people who we call singletons
(people without multiple personalities). One can see
why some people claim this is akin to murdering the
alters. This classical definition of integration simply
is not a truthful one.
The best definition of integration I have found was
formulated by Rachel Downing, L.C.S.W.C. a person
who knows first-hand like myself what living with
DID is like. She defines it as the following:
“At the most basic level, integration simply means
acceptance/ownership of all thoughts, feelings, fears,
beliefs, experiences and memories as me/mine. It is
35
about full acceptance of all dissociated aspects of
oneself.”1
I wholeheartedly agree with this definition. While my
brain is not capable of forming one cohesive
personality out of the fragments brought about by
severe child abuse and neglect, I have learned how to
cooperate within myself and to operate as a whole
person. Even though my mind remains splintered I
now own all of my behaviors, feelings and beliefs.
What Does Integration Look Like?
As has been stated in the above definition, my
experiences of the past, present and future belong to
me. I take full responsibility for all of my thought
processes. Sometimes I find this very uncomfortable
as I would like to say, “SHE felt/said that!” but in
reality I know that anything and everything felt, said
or done by any other part of myself is being felt, said
or done by me. You cannot x-ray my head and see all
kinds of other people hanging about, I am the only
person in here. To assign to another personality alone
the feelings or actions I do and feel is to give away
power that weakens me. They are me and I am them.
That is perhaps the most important and fundamental
understanding any multiple must come to understand
if they wish to be integrated.
1
Defining Integration, Downing, Rachel L.C.S.W.C., 2003,
https://www.sidran.org/resources/for-survivors-and-loved-
ones/understanding-integration
36
I have come to understand as well that I am the leader
of a beautiful orchestra. Without a leader, an
orchestra can’t make lovely music as there is discord
and chaos among the different musical instruments.
Only when a great orchestra leader steps up to the
podium and leads the different parts in harmony can
the genius of Mozart or Beethoven be truly
appreciated. I became the leader not because I wanted
to, (God knows that isn’t true), but because I am the
personality who lives in the real world and
understands how the present works. All of my alters
live in trauma-time, in pieces of my past where the
rules of society didn’t exist or were not well
understood because I was an adolescent or an adult
fragment. I understand what the laws and expected
norms of our society are and thus I am the best
candidate to be the leader of the orchestra. I am in
total control of my life whether I sometimes want to
admit that or not. In essence, the buck stops here. If
someone in my system commits a crime I and only I
am responsible for that action. If someone in my
system lies or harms someone else’s feelings I and
only I am responsible for those behaviors. To say I
am not is to allow my abusers to continue to have rule
over my life and my future. I will not allow that.
The Benefits of Integration
To have control over one’s life is to have a sense of
peace that goes beyond anything I ever knew as a
splintered and out of control entity. Does that mean I
always enjoy my life? Nope. Some days I desire my
denial and multiplicity back. I admit I sometimes
37
wish I could split off and allow someone else to take
the reins but those are but fleeting moments. I
understand deep down that to live a life where you
know what is happening in your life, even if those
things are bad such as when I was diagnosed with
breast cancer, are far better than the chaos of not
knowing or remembering what I have said and done. I
enjoy an inner peace knowing that I will go to bed
tonight without the fear of having done or said
something I will regret later.
Another benefit of integration is that I can now begin
to plan for a future. I have returned to college and get
excellent grades. I am moving forward into the future
unafraid and full of hope. I could never have done
this as a separated entity.
Then again there is the real possibility of being able
to have meaningful and lasting relationships with
other people. Always before integration I was so
caught up in my own inner world of turmoil that I
couldn’t allow myself to be close to anyone in the
outside world. Now I am fully capable of enjoying the
company of others because my emotions are no
longer colored so darkly by the hurt I experienced in
my childhood. Is this transformation complete? No. I
am human and we humans tend to always see other
relationships in new ones, but I am as close to
“normal” in this regard as I ever will be.
38
Roadmap to a Milestone
How did I achieve this milestone in my life termed
integration? What were the steps I took to become as
whole in my attitudes and thoughts as possible? It
took many years of hard work but I can lay out three
stages of this work.
Stage One. Finding a safe place. One of the first
things my Therapist helped me to do was to find a
safe place in my mind where I could retreat if things
got too rough out here. I decided to make my safe
place a warm and sandy beach with a roaring beach
fire made from drift wood. There the water and fire
are so safe they can be walked on and you cannot get
hurt. The beach became a wonderful place to not only
retreat, but as you will see later, a place to hold
audience with my alters.
Stage Two. Meeting the others. At first I was terrified
of my alters as I saw them as the enemy within so to
speak. I didn’t know all of their names and I had
never met them. I only knew of them because of what
other people had told me and because of the problems
they caused in my life. Soon after starting therapy I
would go to the beach and sit quietly by the fire
waiting. I didn’t understand what I was waiting for,
39
but instinctively I knew that this was a vital part of
my recovery. It wasn’t long before I was meeting my
alters. The first to approach me was Bianca, a
precocious 18-year old girl who, it turned out later,
would become my greatest ally. After Bianca came
the 6-year old children and then others of various
ages. Slowly, they grew to know me and I began to
understand something important. These weren’t
enemies out to ruin my life, they were just hurting
kids (and a few adults) who needed desperately to be
loved and cared for.
Stage Three. Becoming my own mother. After I
realized that these parts I had been so afraid of were
just hurting parts of me I began to feel real empathy
and caring for them. At first I couldn’t understand
that I needed to be the mother of all of me. I wanted
so much for anyone, especially my Therapist, to be
my mom. I found it painful to acknowledge that my
real mother would never be able to step into the role
of mom in my life, that it was totally my
responsibility to do so. It was only after I entered a
long-term facility for the mentally ill and was told to
never speak of my disorder or alters again that I
assumed this role. I realized that someone had to
protect these fragile parts from harm and that the only
one who could do so was me. I assumed control from
that point. There are times, like any parent, when I
wish I could lay down the mantle of mother to so
many personalities (there are so many 6-year olds!)
but to do so would be to give up control of my life.
This is something I do not wish to do ever again.
40
A Word About False Memories
I wouldn’t feel comfortable publishing a book about
DID if I didn’t mention something that has been
termed “False Memory Syndrome”. After scouring
the Internet looking for information on this topic I
found a lot of interesting and conflicting information.
Can false memories be implanted in humans? Yes.
That has been proven. What is questionable is the
extent that people fabricate or are made to form
memories of events that did not happen to them.
There are basically two camps to this debate which
has caught the world of psychiatry off guard and by
storm.
On the one hand you have the proponents who say
that most people remember things fairly accurately if
not perfectly and that memories of traumatic events
can be shoved down deep inside the psyche
(repressed) only to be remembered later. On the other
hand you have the opponents of such thinking who
believe just as wholeheartedly that memory is pliable
but that memories of something as horrendous as
childhood abuse would not be forgotten (repressed).
They claim that unscrupulous or inept Therapists are
41
planting false memories of abuse into the minds of I offer this information to you so you can make up
suggestible people causing them to believe a lie. your own mind. I urge you to check it out yourself
online before you make up your mind either way. In
I find it very disquieting that the latter camp has science, it is important to weigh both sides of an
chosen some very unethical methods to collect the argument carefully and to do experiments not looking
data it uses to prove its belief system such as hiring for a certain outcome but expecting answers to come
spies to pose as either clients or Therapists in order to from either direction to or for your position. I urge
infiltrate the sacred office and relationship of the Psychiatrists and Therapists as well as clients
client/Therapist relationship. They justify these means everywhere to insist on further research and that the
by saying that they have uncovered proof in doing so hateful rhetoric which has caused such decisiveness
that some Therapists are fully aware that they are end. Nothing good can ever come of people being so
leading their clients on asking suggestive questions entrenched in their beliefs that they do not share their
and offering them possible scenarios. I am not sitting research methods and results.
in those offices when such interviews take place
which prove or disprove the existence of this
“syndrome” but I find it also very disquieting that no
statistical evidence has been shared with the public or
in the psychiatric community to prove these
potentially damning interviews ever took place. Also
false memory proponents offer as proof of their
innocence the facts that they “dress well, smile and
have good jobs.” What kind of scientific or otherwise
evidence is that? I’ve read document after document
where proof has been offered to the existence of what
is termed “False Memory Syndrome” and have been
surprised to discover that the term “syndrome” isn’t a
term given it by empirically proven evidence which
has been repeated outside of the group which first
gave it its name as one would expect of something as
important as this type of “syndrome” should be. Yet,
it has been used in court battles and in many other
forms to discredit people who have claimed to have
been abused in childhood by their family members.

42 43
 How could I have picked up the knowledge of how to
be responsible for my own happiness for instance, if I
was always trying to survive in a situation that was
impossible. The people who raised me were in
survival mode as well and were until they died so
they couldn’t teach me. It took at least one very well-
The Other Side of Therapy trained and patient Therapist to help me learn how to
do these six things and many more on my own.
Around a month ago I ended twenty-seven years of
Now on the other side of therapy I feel strong and
intensive therapy. I had many ups and downs in that
able, two things I thought I would never feel when I
time but I have to say unequivocally it was definitely
began this process. I am truly grateful for the people
worth it. There are basically six things I have gleaned
who helped me to gain the inner peace I experience
from my many years in the client’s chair.
on a daily basis. I am not saying that I will never find
myself seeking out the help of a mental health
1. I have learned to take responsibility for my
professional, but man it feels good to be here. No
own happiness.
longer am I plagued with feelings of wanting to die
2. I have learned to like myself and to depend on
and making plans to do so. No longer am I plagued in
myself.
my dreams and waking hours by flashbacks of
3. I have learned how to handle stressful
horrendous abuse. I no longer find myself splintering
situations and conflicts with myself and
into my alters so I do not face the inevitable loss of
others.
time and having people accuse me of doing and
4. I have learned to love myself with all of my
saying things I do not remember. Here on the other
flaws.
side of therapy there is joy and an almost uncanny
5. I have learned to take care of my needs and to
awareness of the beauty of life that is all around me.
temper my wants.
Sometimes I find this awareness to be a curse because
6. I have learned how to look forward to the
I notice things that most people are simply deaf and
future and to enjoy today.
blind to in our world and I get frustrated but I
wouldn’t trade my life for anything. Yes, I suffered in
Writing that list, it almost appears I should have been
childhood and the past twenty-seven years have
able to accomplish these life changing lessons on my
certainly been a trial but the benefits far outweigh the
own, but that simply isn’t the case. In the world I
downfalls of going on the journey I have just
grew up in there was very little teaching of these
completed.
important things and a whole lot of anger and hurt.
44 45
I wrote this chapter because there is virtually no
literature out there about what to expect when you
leave therapy. I know, I have looked. I wanted to
encourage anyone who is in therapy or who is
thinking about entering it to understand that there is
an end to it. The tears will one day cease and you will
find yourself wiser and more able than most people
you know. Suddenly every sunset will become lovely
and the flowers will be more colorful. Children will
be the blessing they were always meant to be and you
will find yourself happier than most. I mean that.
Even with the knowledge of what happened to you as
a child you will be happy. I know that sounds hallow
right now but it is true. The now is so much better
than trauma-time could ever be.
You have much to look forward to.
46
Resources
This is only a partial list of all of the resources
available on the web. There are many, many, many
more resources of information on all the topics
covered in this book. Remember to look at each one
using a critical eye. Please, do your own research and
be cautious what you believe. There are as many
opinions about Dissociative Identity Disorder, False
Memories, and Therapy as there are grains of sand on
the seashore. Use your own mind to choose whom
you should and should not believe.
Websites for Research into Dissociative
Identity Disorder
Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality
Disorder), Webmd,
http://www.webmd.com/mental-
health/dissociative-identity-disorder-multiple-
personality-disorder
Dissociative Disorders, NAMI (National Alliance on
Mental Illness),
47
https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-
Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders
Tartakovsky, Margarita, Dispelling Myths about
Dissociative Identity Disorder, PsychCentral,
http://psychcentral.com/lib/dispelling-myths-
about-dissociative-identity-disorder/
Waseem, Muhammad MD, Dissociative Identity
Disorder, Medscape,
http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/916186-
overview
International Society for the Study of Trauma and
Dissociation
http://www.isst-d.org/
The Colin Ross Institute for Psychological Trauma,
http://www.rossinst.com
The Sidran Institute
http://www.sidran.org
International Society for the Study of Trauma and
Dissociation, (2011) 'Guidelines for Treating
Dissociative Identity Disorder in Adults, Third
Revision: Summary Version', Journal of Trauma &
Dissociation,
http://www.isst-
d.org/downloads/2011AdultTreatmentGuidelinesSumm
ary.pdf
48
Websites for Research on False Memory
Syndrome
Pope, Kenneth S., American Psychologist, Memory,
Abuse, and Science:
Questioning Claims about the False Memory
Syndrome Epidemic,
http://www.kspope.com/memory/memory.php
Merskey, Harold, Presentation and Management of
False Memory Syndrome, Advances in Psychiatric
Treatment, 1998, Vol. 4, pp. 253-262,
http://apt.rcpsych.org/content/aptrcpsych/4/5/253.f
ull.pdf
False Memory Syndrome Foundation
http://www.fmsfonline.org/
Websites for Brain Research
Understanding the Effects of Maltreatment on Brain
Development, 2015
https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/brain_dev
elopment.pdf
At What Age is the Brain Fully Developed, Mental
Health Daily,
http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/02/18/at-what-
age-is-the-brain-fully-developed/
49
 Websites for Support
Ivory Garden Dissociative Identity Disorder Support
Group,
http://www.igdid.com

Trauma Survivors Support Group

http://www.ftass.net

Journals with articles on DID

Mollon, P. and John Wiley & Sons Ltd, Chichester,
Multiple Selves, Multiple Voices; working with
Trauma, Violation and Dissociation. 1999, Journal of
Psychiatric and Mental Health Nursing, 1999
http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1046/j.1365-
2850.1999.00227-4.x/abstract
Slogar, Sue-Mei, 2011, VOL. 3 NO. Dissociative
Identity Disorder: Overview and Current Research, 05,
Inquiries Journal
http://www.inquiriesjournal.com/articles/525/2/dis
sociative-identity-disorder-overview-and-current-
research
Books
Davis, Shirley, Baker, Jessica, The Tears Will Cease,
2015, Amazon.com
Davis, Shirley, Baker, Jessica, The Tears Will Cease
Workbook, 2015, Amazon.com

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