Happytime Murders Script

"The Happytime Murders"
11/24/08
screenplay by
Todd Berger
story by
Todd Berger
and
Dee Austin Robertson
WHITE Revision - 11-24-08 1.
FADE IN:
1 EXT. FARMHOUSE -- DAY 1
Detective PHIL PHILLIPS stands on the front porch of a

farmhouse. Phil is a small blue puppet with shaggy yellow
hair and a tired disposition. A leather jacket that hasn't
been in style since the Nixon administration covers his body.
Phil's hands are raised in the air. We soon see why...
In the front yard are FOUR BLACK SUV's. A dozen or so FBI

AGENTS are positioned behind the vehicles, guns drawn.
Phil slowly reaches into his jacket...
The agents TENSE UP. They cock their guns, ready. Phil
eyes them. It's tense.
Phil pulls out a LOLLIPOP. He shoves it in his mouth and

chews.
PHIL (V.O.)
You're probably wondering how a three-
foot blue puppet has managed to find
himself in this precarious
predicament.
Phil eyes the agents. They seem scared of him. This

situation doesn't really seem to concern Phil.
PHIL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Let me start at the beginning.
2 EXT. LOS ANGELES SKYLINE -- DAY 2
The city looks especially dirty on this smoggy day.
PHIL (V.O.)
The City of Angels. LalaLand. Other
nicknames. A supposed melting pot
of people from all over the world.
A place where all colors and creeds
can live in harmony.
3 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET -- DAY 3
Dozens of PEOPLE walk the streets on their way to work. The

large skyscrapers next to the Art Deco buildings of yesteryear
surround them, blocking out the hazy excuse for sunlight.
PHIL (V.O.)
But there's one thing that all these
people have in common. One thing
that makes them equal.
A RED PUPPET walks down the street holding a box of donuts.

He seems chipper on his way to work.

They ain't puppets.
Suddenly a group of TEENAGERS run by and push the puppet

over...
Everything goes into slow motion. The puppet falls, the

donuts gracefully flying everywhere. One of the donuts rolls
into the street.

And everybody knows that people and
puppets don't mix.
SPLAT! - A car tire squashes the donut. The tire belongs

to a GOLD CADILLAC which cruises down the street. A FAT MAN
wearing a suit drives.
The Cadillac turns into a parking garage.
4 INT. PARKING GARAGE -- CONTINUOUS 4
The spooky old garage is fairly empty. A neon light flickers.

The cadillac drives down a ramp and parks. The door opens
and the man gets out. He carries a briefcase.
He walks past the rows of cars and looks ahead. Out from
between several cars, a SKINNY MAN in a suit steps out.
They appear to know one another.
The fat man reaches the skinny man. They stand in front of
a brand new BMW.
SKINNY MAN
You look good. Have you gained
weight?
FAT MAN
Enough with the small talk. Show me
the goods.
The skinny man reaches into his jacket and pulls out a pair
of neon yellow PUPPET FEET
SKINNY MAN
100% pure puppet. Straight from
Tijuana.
FAT MAN
Me Gusta Mucho. How many you got?
SKINNY MAN
Three hundred pairs in the trunk.
You got the green?
The fat man opens the briefcase. It's filled with $100 bills.
The men smile at one another. The skinny man puts his keys
in the trunk and opens it up.
He suddenly has A GUN pointed in his face.
In the trunk, laying amongst puppet feet, is PHIL. He

confidently holds the gun and eyes the two men.
PHIL
Looks like you're having some car
trouble. I think it might be of the
bullet-to-the-face variety.
FAT MAN
(to skinny man)
I think you forgot to skin one.
PHIL
Don't you boys know that puppet skin
has been illegal since the Winkles
Act of 1965?
SKINNY MAN
How did you get in my trunk?
PHIL
Classic El Dorado. You can jimmy
the back seat if you got one of these.
He holds up a CROW BAR.
SKINNY MAN
Jimmy this.
The skinny man SLAMS THE TRUNK CLOSED.
PHIL (O.S.)
(muffled)
Didn't see that coming.
The men both pull out GUNS, point them at the trunk, and...
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! - The two men blast away at the
trunk, filling it with holes. They both unload their clips.
The noise dies down and they eye one another, smiling. They
then notice something.
Phil stands between them.
PHIL (CONT'D)
What are you guys doing?
FAT MAN
How'd you get out of the trunk?
PHIL
Classic El Dorado. You can jimmy
the back seat if you got one of these.
Phil holds up a CROWBAR.
WHACK! - HE SMASHES THE FAT MAN on the back of the knees.

He falls to the ground and WHACK! - BASHES HIM ACROSS THE
FACE WITH IT. Blood flies across a nearby windshield.
The skinny man aims his gun and.. CLICK... it's empty. He
tosses it aside as Phil jumps him. He FLIPS PHIL OVER and...
SMASH! - Crashes Phil into a windshield, CRACKING IT.
The skinny man grabs the briefcase and TAKES OFF RUNNING.
He runs between the cars, weaving in and out.
5 INT. DIFFERENT PART OF PARKING LOT -- CONTINUOUS 5
The skinny man turns a corner and looks around. There are
cars in every direction. He's lost.
PHIL (O.S.)
Where ya runnin' to, pal?
The voice seems to be coming from everywhere.
PHIL (O.S.) (CONT'D)

You know the best thing about being
three feet tall?
The skinny man looks down. Phil, all three feet of him,
stands directly under the skinny man.
PHIL (CONT'D)
This.
Phil takes the crowbar, swings it back, and...
BAM! - Hits the skinny man RIGHT IN THE CROTCH. The skinny
man grimaces in pain and falls to his knees.
Phil grabs the briefcase and opens it up, eying the wads of
bills. He grabs a wad and slips it into his pocket.
Phil holds up the case and WHACK - SMASHES the skinny man
over the head with it.
5A INT. PARKING GARAGE -- LATER 5A
The fat man and skinny man are now tied up to one another,
gagged. THE PILE OF PUPPET FEET and the BRIEF CASE sits
next to them. Phil stands at a nearby pay phone.
VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.)

911 Emergency.
PHIL
(into phone)
15th street garage.
(beat)
There's a car on fire.
Phil drops the receiver and walks past the men's car, which
is ON FIRE.
BOOM! - The car EXPLODES.
6 EXT. NEWSSTAND -- MORNING 6
An OLD MAN PUPPET tap dances on a street corner, a small

crowd around him. He has a hat in front of him filled with
change.
Nearby, a little PUG BULLDOG PUPPET stands behind the counter

of the newsstand.
A good-looking all-American man in his thirties, DETECTIVE

EDWARDS, eyes the newspapers. He spots one that has HIM on
the cover, pictured arresting a criminal. The headline reads
"LAPD Detectives Crack Down on Puppetfighting Ring."
Edwards eyes his own picture and smiles. He looks over to

notice a BEAUTIFUL WOMAN standing nearby. She eyes the
fashion magazines.
He slides over next to her, exposing his newspaper so that

his picture is very prominent.
The woman doesn't notice. Edwards waits. He finally just

reaches over and KNOCKS THE WOMAN'S MAGAZINE out of her hands.
This causes the confused woman to look over and notice

Edwards' picture on the paper. She then notices him.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Hey, that's you.
Edwards looks at the paper, as if he just caught it.
EDWARDS
Hey, you're right. It is. I hardly
ever even notice that the cameras
are there during a bust. Too busy
dispensing justice.
The woman smiles and reads the headline.
BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Puppetfighting ring? That sounds
... Adorable.
She walks off. Edwards stands there, a bit offended.
EDWARDS
Well it's quite dangerous, actually!
And highly illegal too...
(under his breath)
In this state.
He shrugs and starts to walk off.
BULLDOG PUPPET
Hey! You gonna pay for that paper?
EDWARDS
It's okay. I'm a cop.
He walks off.
BULLDOG PUPPET
Fluff you, Asshole!
Edwards gives a polite wave, as if he thinks the bulldog is

joking.
7 OMITTED 7
Edwards walks down the street to his WHITE POLICE SEDAN. He

goes to open his door when he hears...
VOICE (O.S.)
Stop it!
He looks over to see three BOYS picking on the tap dancing

OLD MAN PUPPET. The boys grab his VELCRO HAIR, rip it off,
and start to play keep away with it.
OLD MAN PUPPET

Give me that back! It's mine!
BOY 1
Where'd you learn to dance like that,
wrinkled old felt face?
OLD MAN PUPPET

Julliard.
BOY 2
You're lucky we don't know what that
means!
Edwards thinks for a moment and eyes his watch. He looks

around carefully to make sure no one is watching. He then
heads away from the car and over towards the boys.
EDWARDS
Hey... stop that.
The boys see him.
BOY 1
Mind your own business!
BOY 2
Yeah, screw off.
EDWARDS
Give him his hair back. It's too
early for this.
BOY 3
Make us, old man!
EDWARDS
Old man? I'm in my early to mid to
late thirties, thank you very much.
BOY 2
Sorry to hurt your feelings, grandpa.
Edwards reaches into his jacket and pulls out a REVOLVER.

He points it at the boys.
EDWARDS
Who's an old man now? Huh, you little
brats?
The boys stare at the gun in sheer terror. They drop the
hair.
ALL THREE BOYS

AHHH!!!!!
They run away. One of the boys stops about twenty feet away.
BOY 1
You're crazy, old man! Pointing a
gun at children!
EDWARDS
Jokes on you! It's not even loaded!
He raises the gun and... BLAM! - It FIRES. He flinches,

surprised. A DEAD BIRD falls from the sky. He eyes the
gun.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Oh...
The old man puppet grabs his hair and puts it back on.
OLD MAN PUPPET

Thank you, mister. Most people in
this neighborhood would never help a
puppet.
EDWARDS
I didn't do it because you're a
puppet, I did it because it's my
job.
OLD MAN PUPPET

How about a dance? On the house.
EDWARDS
No, I...
OLD MAN PUPPET

Come on!
EDWARDS
(looks around)
Alright, make it fast.
The old man puppet starts to dance. Edwards seems

embarrassed.
8 EXT. CHEETAH'S -- DAY 8
A rundown strip club with a decrepit sign sits on a street

corner.
Phil drives up in his 1978 Ford Thunderbird. Outside the

club he spots JENNY, a hard-living woman in her forties,
waiting for him. Jenny wears a trashy outfit that wouldn't
seem out of place on Hollywood Boulevard.
She heads to the car, opens the passenger door, and gets in.
JENNY
So? Was it good?
PHIL
What, my breakfast? It was great.
A team of wild horses couldn't tear
me away from pumpkin pancakes.
JENNY
The tip I have you about the garage.
PHIL
Yeah, Jenny. It was good.
JENNY
I knew it. When I heard that skinny
bastard going on and on at the club
about the feet, I knew it was legit.
PHIL
Men say the darndest things when
they're getting a lapdance. How do
you think I agreed to buy a timeshare
in Temecula?
She shoots him a look.
JENNY
You can't tell me how to run my life
anymore.
PHIL
I never could.
JENNY
Where's the money?
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the wad of bills.
He hands it over to her. She beams and counts it.
PHIL
What do you need it for, anyway?
JENNY
It's best you don't know.
PHIL
Jenny...
JENNY
It's for Rico.
PHIL
What? You told me you stopped playing
the ponies.
JENNY
I did. I... just happened to start
again. I'm a social gambler.
He shakes his head at her, disappointed.
JENNY (CONT'D)
You think I ain't looking for a way
to get out this place? You think I
like bumping and grinding for smelly
losers?
PHIL
There are other job options out there
besides stripper and gambler.
JENNY
What? Like burned-out ex-cop
alcoholic private detective with
commitment issues?
They have a moment. She takes the money and shoves it into
her purse.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Look, thanks. I'll see you around.
PHIL
Yeah. I'll see you around.
She gets out of the car and heads into the club.

Jenny. She was a good girl, just a
little mixed-up is all.
(beat)
But then so are a lot of stars that
fell from the sky.
9 INT. PHIL'S OFFICE RECEPTION AREA -- DAY 9
The old office is a bit-run down and needs a new coat of

paint. An oscillating fan runs in the corner.
PHIL (V.O.)
I set up shop in an old place on 7th
after leaving the force. Wasn't
much, but the lights worked and it
has industrial strength plumbing. I
had a secretary named Bubbles who
had no qualms about working for a
puppet as long as the paychecks
cleared. Our relationship was
complicated and physical.
Sitting at a desk is an attractive woman with her hair in a

bun, BUBBLES. She files her nails and chews gum as she calmly
talks into a phone.
BUBBLES
(into phone)
Uh huh.... uh huh...... uh huh....
(beat)
Well you can find his car parked
halfway up your mother's ass.
She slams down the phone as the door WHAPS open. Phil walks
in and puts his coat on the coat rack by tossing it three
feet in the air.
BUBBLES (CONT'D)
Hey, Mr. P.
PHIL
Eh. I have any calls?
BUBBLES
Yeah. The repo guy. He said if you
don't pay your bill, then he's gonna
have to come take ya' car.
PHIL
Did you tell him that my car would
be located halfway up his mother's
ass?
BUBBLES
Of course.
PHIL
Good girl.
Phil goes to his office.
BUBBLES
Oh, and your brother called to...
WHAP! - He SLAMS the door and Bubbles stares at it. On the

glass is etched "Phil Phillips, Private Investigator."
Bubbles immediately spins back to the desk, takes out an

issue of PQ (Puppet Quarterly), and smacks her gum.
10 INT. PHIL'S OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS 10
Phil's office is barren and a bit depressing. There's no

art on the walls and nothing on the desk but a racing form
and a couple of newspapers.
Phil sits back in the chair and puts his feet on the desk.
PHIL (V.O.)
I had been working on that Mexican
zapatos case for what seemed like an
eternity, and I was ready to
celebrate.
Phil opens up a desk drawer and pulls out a bottle of Whiskey.

He places it on the table and follows it with a glass.

I was planning to go down to Vegas
for a few weeks to get into some
trouble and escape the job for a
while. But that all changed when she
walked in.
The door opens and there stands Bubbles.

Not her. The other one.
BUBBLES
Mr. Phillips, there's a woman here
to see you.
PHIL
Her gams?
BUBBLES
Spectacular.
PHIL
Send her in.
Phil takes a quick swig of the bottle and then hides it under
the desk.
SANDRA WHITE, a blonde puppet bombshell, appears in the

doorway. She wears a black dress and seems extremely sultry.
Very Femme Fatale.
SANDRA
Detective Phil Phillips?
PHIL
That's what's been painstakingly
etched onto the glass door, isn't
it?
He puts the bottle away.

From the moment I saw her I knew she
was gonna be trouble.
She comes over and slowly slides into the chair across from
him, crossing her legs and revealing her spectacular puppet
legs.

People seldom notice puppet legs -
but when they're spectacular, it's
hard not to.
SANDRA
I've heard you're the best. Better
than any flesh dick.
(thinks)
You know what I mean.
PHIL
I am the best - for $200 a day plus
expenses. Now what seems to be your
problem?
SANDRA
Blackmail.
PHIL
Nice... blackmails are fun. Who are
you blackmailing?
SANDRA
No, I'm being blackmailed. I received
this in the mail today.
She puts a note on the desk. The note has been arranged
with each letter cut from newspapers, magazines, etc. -
ransom style. It reads "Pay us $1,000,000 dollars or we
reveal your secret."
PHIL
What's your secret?
SANDRA
If I told you, then it wouldn't be a
secret.
PHIL
Fair enough. Who is "we?"
SANDRA
If I knew that then what would I
need you for?
BUBBLES (O.S.)
(from the phone)
Phil, your brother is on line 2. He
says he's gonna be fifteen minutes
late for lunch at Stanley's diner.
Phil reaches over and turns the phone box off without looking
at it. Phil takes the blackmail note and admires it.
PHIL
I'll see what I can do, Ms. White.
(he eyes her)
Say...maybe you could help me
investigate some Mai Tai's at the
Good Luck Bar tonight?
SANDRA
I'm married, Mr. Phillips.
PHIL
So am I - to my job. And I cheat on
that hussy all the time.
Sandra gets up and heads for the door. Phil watches her
slink away.

It looked like I wasn't gonna need
to go to Vegas to get into trouble
after all.
11 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET -- DAY 11
A hot dog stand sits on a street corner. A group of HOT DOG

PUPPET HOT DOG VENDORS spray mustard onto a hot dog and hand
it to Edwards.
HOT DOG PUPPET

That'll be three fifty.
Edwards flashes his badge.
EDWARDS
It's okay. I'm a cop.
Edwards walks off. The puppet hot dog vendor stares at him
in confusion.
HOT DOG PUPPET

Yeah..... and?
Edwards walks over to a LAPD squad car. Two human uniformed

COPS, one white and one black, sit on the hood and eat hot
dogs. Edwards sits next to them.
As the cops talk, they spill mustard and CHILI all over the
place.
EDWARDS
Hey, boys, any excitement this
morning?
COP #1
Not really. A couple of kidnappings,
three or four bank robberies, and a
small riot. Oh, and somebody took
down a couple of puppet poachers in
a garage.
COP #2
Looks like Phil Phillips' work.
EDWARDS
Again? I wish he would leave the
beatings to the LAPD.
COP #1
Hey Edwards, didn't you used to be
partners with Phillips?
EDWARDS
Yeah.
COP #1
Why did he get kicked off the force
anyway?
EDWARDS
Well... there was an incident. One
day he-
COP #2
Oh man, look at that.
The cop points across the street. A SEXY BLONDE WOMAN is

holding hands with a SHAGGY MONSTER PUPPET. They are
obviously a couple.
COP #2 (CONT'D)
It's a shame when you see a fine
young thing with a puppet.
Edwards looks around in embarrassment.
EDWARDS
Lower your voice, man. We're in
public.
The cops give Edwards a shocked look.
COP #1
You got a problem, Edwards?
EDWARDS
I just think that...
COP #1
You some kind of puppet lover?
EDWARDS
I didn't say that.
COP #1
(teasing)
Puppet lover! Puppet lover!
COP #2
Edwards is a puppet-loving puppet
lover!
EDWARDS
No I'm not! I hate puppets! I HATE
PUPPETS!!
He calms down and looks around. The hot dog puppets are
staring at him. He forces a smile.
HOT DOG PUPPET

Asshole.
12 TV COMMERCIAL - 12
A logo appears on a blue background. It reads R8TV.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
You're watching Retro-Eighties-
Television. Coming this fall, 5
nights a week and three times a day...
A group of puppets and one human appear. The human is JENNY,

but twenty years younger and dressed like a nurse.
6 puppets of all sizes sit around her.
WHOLE GROUP
Hey there - it's happytime!!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
That's right. It's the Happytime
Gang. That rag-tag motley crew of
misfits that entertained and educated
you all throughout the eighties and
early nineties. With all your
favorite characters!
As the announcer says their names, an image of them appears.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Like Nurse Jenny!
Nurse Jenny winks at the camera and fixes her crimson hair.
NURSE JENNY
It looks like someone's got a boo
boo in their spelling area.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Lyle Unity!
Lyle is a small purple puppet dressed in hip hop attire. He

doesn't smile.
LYLE
I said hip hip hip hop. Hip hip
hop. Frogs, which are amphibians,
don't like to stop.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Goofer!
A large orange goofy-shaped puppet that kinda looks like a

mutant seems depressed.
GOOFER
Awww shucks. Life is meaningless.
COTTON CANDY comes in from off screen. Goofer SMILES.
GOOFER (CONT'D)
CANDY!!!!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Mr. Bumblypants!
A rabbit-looking creature with crazy eyes and flapping ears

seems overly excited. He's dressed like a postal worker.
MR BUMBLYPANTS.
Jeezy Chreezy! I'm about to go postal -
on the dewey decimal system!
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
The Country Twins - Joe and Lucy!
A hillbilly couple in overalls and funny hats stand mimicking

American Gothic, complete with pitch fork.
COUNTRY JOE
Learnin' English be fun!
LUCY
Me and him like rainbows!!!!
A handsome blue puppet wearing a policeman's uniform KICKS

DOWN THE DOOR, drawing a gun on Country Joe and Lucy.
LARRY
FREEZE, PUNKS! You're under arrest
for bad grammar!
He looks to the camera and winks. He throws Country Joe

against the wall and cuffs him.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
And finally, Officer Larry
Shenanigans!
The group is reassembled.
ANNOUNCER (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Keep an eye out for The Happytime
Gang - this fall on R8TV!
13 INT. STANLEY'S DINER -- DAY 13
We pull out to see that the image was on a television in a

small old-school diner.
A poster on the wall shows a group of waiters wearing uniforms

and smiling. One of the employees is a puppet. The sign
reads "Stanley's - an equal opportunity employer."
We pan over to see Phil seated in a booth. Across from him

sits LARRY SHENANIGANS. Larry, khakis and sweater instead
of a police uniform, has sunglasses on his head.
They stare at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time.
LARRY
So...
PHIL
So...
LARRY
Have you seen the commercial about
them re-running The Happytime Gang
on cable?
PHIL
You mean the one that was just on in
this diner?
LARRY
Isn't it so exciting?
PHIL
(apathetic)
Oh yeah. I can barely sleep at night.
LARRY
I tell you what, I'm going to make a
killing on those residual checks.
Looks like I'll finally get to pay
off my Scientology dues.
GEEK (O.S.)
Excuse me?
Phil and Larry look over. There stands a heavyset red-haired

GEEK with a bushy beard and glasses. He's wearing a t-shirt
with a Japanese Anime character on it.
GEEK (CONT'D)
Are you Officer Shenanigans?
LARRY
(proud)
I sure am.
GEEK
I loved your show when I was a kid.
I'm jazzed for when it starts playing
again on cable so I can watch it
totally high.
Phil laughs and the geek looks over to him.
GEEK (CONT'D)
Are you a television star too?
PHIL
No, I have a real job.
LARRY
This is my brother. He's the Phillips
without the acting gene.
PHIL
There's a Phillips with an acting
gene? I'd love to meet him.
LARRY
Fluff you.
PHIL
Fluff you.
LARRY
Fluff you double-scoop.
The geek seems uncomfortable. He slinks away.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Phil. Phil. Phil. When are you
going to stop being so jealous of me
already?
PHIL
Say what now?
LARRY
Just accept it. I'm the Phillips
who is going to go down in the history
books.
PHIL
You can have your history books,
Larry. I'm the one out there on the
streets everyday while you're playing
dress-up.
LARRY
The Happytime Gang was ground-breaking
television. It was the first network
television show starring puppets
that was accepted by everyone.
PHIL
Yeah, because it was a human-washed
version of reality. It wasn't real
puppets with real problems, it was
morons like Goofer making a fool out
of himself and being used as a
corporate puppe....
(thinks)
Tool.
LARRY
No! You're wrong! Puppets loved
the show! Everybody loved the show!
Even Eskimos, and they don't like
ANYTHING!
PHIL
Then why was it canceled?
LARRY
A vast right-wing human conspiracy.
PHIL
Was that conspiracy also responsible
for your wooden acting?
LARRY
Fluff you.
PHIL
Fluff you.
LARRY
Fluff you double-scoop.
Phil stands. He grabs his coat and throws down some bills.
PHIL
Alright, I'm outta here.
LARRY
See you at Christmas?
PHIL
I'll bring the ham.
Phil walks off. Larry looks over the bills on the table.
LARRY
Well that's not nearly enough.
An eskimo sits at the next table. He spits out some pie.
ESKIMO
This pie is terrible!
14 INT. PHIL'S CAR -- DAY 14
Phil drives through Los Angeles, the hall of justice behind

him in the distance. He sucks on a lollipop.
PHIL (V.O.)
Larry definitely had talent in the
pissing-me-off department. I needed
something to cool off, so I figured
why not go to work? On Sandra White.
On Sandra White's case, I mean.
He looks over at the ransom note sitting on the passenger

seat. He picks it up with one hand and admires it, not at
all paying attention to the road.

For some reason, one of the letters
rung something in my brain. Like
I'd seen it before.
He focuses on the "P" in "Pay." It looks like a cat tail.


Then I remembered.
He gives out a little laugh.
15 EXT. CITY STREET -- DAY 15
Phil's car does a 180 in the middle of the street, almost

hitting a guy on a bike, and heads in the other direction at
top speed.
16 INT. VINNY'S PUPPET PERIODICALS-- DAY 16
The shop is filled with shelves and shelves of books. The

books contain titles like "MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM
VENUS, PUPPETS ARE FROM MERCURY" and "7 HABITS OF HIGHLY
EFFECTIVE PUPPETS."
Behind the counter reading a newspaper is a creepy purple

vulture-like puppet with stringy hair, VINNY. He has a
toothpick in his mouth.
PHIL (O.S.)
Hey there, Vinny.
Vinny looks up to see Phil.
VINNY
Heya, Phil.
Vinny points to a curtained back room labeled "ADULT PUPPETS

ONLY."
VINNY (CONT'D)
I told you - the new Big Blue Booty
won't be in till next week.
PHIL
Uh...actually I'm here on a case.
VINNY
Whoa Whoa - Look, all the puppets in
those periodicals are over eighteen.
Except for the Russian ones, cause
their laws are kinda flexible.
PHIL
Are you the only shop in town that
sells copies of Puppet Panty Party?
Vinny thinks. He holds up a magazine from behind the counter.

On the front are two scantily-clad female puppets having a
pillow fight. The title reads "Puppet Panty Party."
VINNY
You bet your sweet bippy.
Phil holds up the "P" from the ransom note. The font matches
the "P" on the magazine perfectly.
PHIL
Looks like today's mystery is
sponsored by the letter "P."
(to Vinny)
Do you happen to keep a record of
which customer bought what magazines?
VINNY
Of course. The Department of Homeland
Security makes us.
PHIL
You think I could see it?
VINNY
Sure. It's in the filing cabinet in
the office. Down the hallway, first
door on the left. Right past the
peep booth.
Phil spots a long hallway and starts to head across the shop.
From out of the curtained "ADULTS ONLY" room, someone small

and in a trench-coat walks out and...
BAM! - CRASHES into Phil. The two collide and MAGAZINES

FLY IN THE AIR.
MR BUMBLYPANTS.
Sorry!!!!
Phil looks up. It's none other than MR BUMBLYPANTS from The
Happytime Gang. His rabbit ears flop around.
PHIL
Hey, I know you.
MR BUMBLYPANTS.
Uh...what...uh....no...I....uh....I'm
just your average puppet going about
his business.
Phil leans over and picks up a magazine.
PHIL
Well here's your copy of Chicks on
Chicks.
We get a look at the cover - it's puppet chickens in S&M

gear. One is riding the other.
MR BUMBLYPANTS.
What? That's not mine.
He quickly walks away down an aisle of books. Phil shakes

his head.
17 INT. VINNY'S PUPPET PERIODICALS HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS 17
Phil walks down the VERY LONG dimly lit hallway towards the
office.
He reaches a door and opens it. It's a BATHROOM with a COW

PUPPET sitting on the toilet.
COW PUPPET
You mind?
PHIL
Sorry.
Phil shuts the door.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Didn't know it was milking time.
VINNY (O.S.)
Second door! I meant second door on
the left.
Phil rolls his eyes, walks to a door marked "Private," and

heads in.
18 INT. VINNY'S PUPPET PERIODICALS -- DAY 18
BAM! - The front door bursts open. A FIGURE IN BLACK walks

in. The figure HOLDS A SHOTGUN.
VINNY
Awwww, man.
Vinny puts his hands in the air.
19 INT. VINNY'S OFFICE -- DAY 19
The room is on the other side of the peep booth, and a puppet
burlesque film is being projected on a screen that backs up
to the office - making the image Phil can see backwards. It
shows a Betty Page-esque puppet with tassels on her giant
puppet boobs popping balloons.
The soundtrack to the film BLARES from the next room. POP!
POP! Phil shakes his head and heads for the file cabinet.
On a security monitor behind Phil, we can see the robbery

taking place.
20 INT. VINNY'S PUPPET PERIODICALS -- CONTINUOUS 20
The figure points the shotgun at Vinny as he empties the

register.
Behind a shelf, Mr. Bumblypants is freaking out. He doesn't

know what to do.
MR BUMBLYPANTS.
Oh my jeezy chreezy. They're being
robbed. Oh my jeezy chreezy.
He accidentally knocks over a display of magazines. The

figure hears him and TURNS AROUND.
The figure walks over and sees Mr. Bumblypants, who is

petrified.
MR BUMBLYPANTS. (CONT'D)
Oh my jeezy chreezy.
Phil continues sifting through the file cabinet. He pulls

out a plastic fish and clown mask and tosses it aside. The
blaring noise from the radio continues.
On the monitor, we see Vinny reaching for something.
22 INT. PUPPET PERIODICALS STORE -- DAY 22
Vinny slowly reaches for a hand gun beneath the counter.

The figure still has the shotgun pointed at Mr. Bumblypants.
MR BUMBLYPANTS.
Please don't kill me! Sweet jeezy
chreezy!
The figure turns to see Vinny reaching for the gun. The
figure twists the shotgun back around.
BLAM! - The figure fires the shotgun at Vinny, and Vinny

ducks behind the counter.
MR BUMBLYPANTS. (CONT'D)
Ah!!!!!
Mr. Bumblypants hides beneath a table. He sits there,

trembling. He hears noises...
VINNY (O.S.)
No! Please don't!
BLAM! - A GUNSHOT rings out in the store. Mr. Bumblypants

JUMPS, startled.
The figure stands at the counter, where Vinny's body is now

SLUMPED OVER. PURPLE FELT rains down everywhere.
The BATHROOM DOOR OPENS. There stands the green COW PUPPET
with a Hawaiian shirt and his pants around his ankles.
COW PUPPET
What's going on out here?
Mr. Bumblypants still hides under the tables, listening.
BLAM! - ANOTHER SHOT rings out. GREEN FELT sprays right in

front of Mr. Bumblypants.
Suddenly the FIGURE STANDS RIGHT OVER MR. BUMBLYPANTS.
The figure bends down and looks right at the bunny puppet,
who is terrified.
The figure RAISES THE GUN.
Phil still searches. He holds up a folder.
PHIL
Bingo.
On the security camera screen behind him, the figure points

the gun at the camera and fires. The screen turns to fuzz.
Phil heads for the door to the shop.
24 INT. VINNY'S PUPPET PERIODICALS -- CONTINUOUS 24
Phil steps out into the trashed shop, destroyed and covered
with felt. It's mass carnage.
He just stares and surveys.
PHIL
Well this is unexpected.
25 INT. VINNY'S PUPPET PERIODICALS -- LATER 25
The place is now crawling with human COPS. They arrange

crime scene tape and take photos of the corpses.
Phil sits on the counter and eats a candy bar. A YOUNG COP
talks to him. It's one of the cops who ate hot dogs with
Edwards earlier.
YOUNG COP
So where were you during all this?
PHIL
I was in the back.
YOUNG COP
Looking at the nudie mags?
PHIL
How about you shut up and go get me
some coffee? Where's Manning?
An older woman in a suit, LIEUTENANT MANNING, walks up.

She's got a hint of sexiness, but has about her a serious
and trustworthy demeanor.
YOUNG COP
Lieutenant, this guy won't talk to
anyone but you.
MANNING
Good. How you doing, Phil?
PHIL
Better than you're about to be,
Lieutenant. You got quite a gooey
purple mess on your hands here.
MANNING
They tell me you were in the back
but didn't manage to hear anything?
That's not the Phil Phillips I know.
PHIL
A nudie film was blaring. Not even
a good one.
MANNING
I'm sorry to hear that.
PHIL
Who's the lead on this case?
MANNING
Edwards.
Phil rolls his eyes. He doesn't like this.
PHIL
Oh fluff me with a pogo stick.
MANNING
I know you and Edwards may not see
eye to eye anymore, Phil.
PHIL
Well he is three feet taller than
me. And a douchebag.
MANNING
He's still a damn good cop.
The doors to the store open and in walks DETECTIVE EDWARDS

wearing a nice suit. He smiles and nods to everyone. He
passes a beautiful young officer and smiles at her.
EDWARDS
Debbie, good to see you. How's that
Bikram yoga class going?
MANNING
Edwards.
Edwards walks over to see Manning and Phillips.
EDWARDS
Hello, Lieutenant.
Edwards avoids eye contact with Phil. Phil just stares at

him, waiting. Edwards finally looks down.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Oh hello, Mr. Phillips.
PHIL
Nice of you to show up, Edwards.
Hate to drag you away from your boy
scout meeting.
EDWARDS
A shame, really. I was about to get
a merit badge for banging your-
MANNING
Boys, behave.
EDWARDS
What's the score, lieutenant? I
hear we got three dead dolls in a
robbery.
PHIL
This wasn't a robbery, it was a hit.
EDWARDS
And what makes you think that, ex-
detective?
PHIL
(making air quotes)
Because the "robber" didn't take any
"money."
They all look over to the see the bag of money still sits on
the counter.
A commotion suddenly begins outside the front doors.
MANNING
What's all that?
COP
TV News cameras are here.
Manning starts to head for the door, but Edwards steps in

front and cuts her off.
EDWARDS
Don't worry, Lieutenant. I'll take
care of this.
Edwards takes out a comb, runs it through his hair, and heads
for the doors.
26 TV IMAGE - 26
Edwards walks out the front of the store and is surrounded

by REPORTERS.
EDWARDS
Calm down, everyone. Calm down.
I'm here to say that I, Detective
Edwards Robbery Homicide 1st Division
Major Crimes Unit, and the LAPD will
find justice.
REPORTER
Is it true there was no money taken
from the establishment?
EDWARDS
That is extremely new information.
REPORTER
Can you give us any details?
EDWARDS
This appears to be a standard robbery
gone awry. We have three victims,
all of puppet descent. What we'll
do is a bunch of us will get into
vehicles and canvas the area,
searching for clues. When we find
suspects, we will handcuff them -
unless of course we're out of
handcuffs at which time we'll use
some of those plastic twisty things
which to me don't really seem very-
REPORTER
Are there any suspects?
EDWARDS
Right now everyone is a suspect.
You could be a suspect. Where were
you today?
27 INT. PHIL'S OFFICE -- EVENING 27
Phil sits at his desk and watches the newscast on a

television. He turns the TV off.
The desk is stacked with pizza boxes and an issue of Big

Blue Booty.
He sips from a bottle of whiskey as he puts a record onto an

old turntable. Jazz begins to emit from the speakers.
He walks over to a bookshelf and admires some pictures. He

looks at one of him and Edwards. They both wear LAPD
uniforms.
PHIL (V.O.)
Edwards and I used to get along just
fine - like peanut butter and
chocolate. But our partnership ended,
our friendship ended, and my basic
hatred of the human race began with...
the incident. You see, one day...
Bubbles opens the door and steps in.
BUBBLES
Heya, Mr. P. I'm taking off. Unless
you wanna grab dinner?
PHIL
No thanks.
She closes the door. She reopens it.
BUBBLES
We could skip the dinner and get
some drinks.
PHIL
No thanks.
BUBBLES
We could skip the dinner and drinks,
and just go have some meaningless
sex.
PHIL
No thanks.
BUBBLES
We could skip the dinner, drinks,
and sex and just go straight to you
crying.
PHIL
Goodnight, Bubbles.
She shrugs and closes the door. Phil opens the desk drawer
to put away the whiskey and notices A PICTURES. This one is
of two baby blue puppets. It reads "Larry & Phil."
Phil takes a deep breath as he looks at the picture. He

takes a swig of Whiskey.
27A INT. HAPPYTIME GANG SET -- 1985 27A
The Happytime Gang all plays tug-o-war. One side of the

rope reads "That" and one side reads "Which."
HAPPYTIME GANG
(sings)
Who refers to people. That and which
refer to groups or things! That
introduces essential clauses while
which introduces nonessential clauses.
If this, that, these, or those has
already introduced an essential
clause, you may use which to introduce
the next clause, whether it is
essential or nonessential!
Larry runs in with a LARGE KNIFE and CUTS THE ROPE. Everyone
else falls over. Larry looks into the camera and smiles.
LARRY
Take THAT!
28 EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE -- NIGHT 28
The nice large backyard of a house in the hills was probably

really classy in the late 1970's. A pool sits next to a
bubbling hot tub. A television is sitting on the edge of
the hot tub showing that episode of The Happytime Gang.
Inside the hot tub sits Larry. Across from him in the tub
sits a sexy young actress, BRITTENIE MARLOWE. They sip
margaritas and relax. The bubbles surrounded them.
BRITTENIE MARLOWE
Can I refresh your Banana-Strawberry
margarita?
LARRY
But of course.
BRITTENIE MARLOWE
You want salt, sugar?
LARRY
You know this.
She laughs.
29 INT. LARRY'S KITCHEN -- NIGHT 29
The blender makes loud noises as it shakes and mixes the

margarita. Brittenie turns off the machine and begins to
pour.
BRITTENIE MARLOWE
(sings to herself)
Which and that. La la la....
CLINK.... There is a faint noise from the other room.
BRITTENIE MARLOWE (CONT'D)

Hello?
No response.

Is someone there?
She slowly walks around the corner. There is no one there.
A GLOVED HAND reaches out and covers her mouth.

Hmpff......
30 EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE -- NIGHT 30
Larry sits in the hot tub and grooves to the music.
BOOTS approach the hot tub. A SHADOW casts over Larry.
LARRY
Baby?
Larry opens his eyes. He's confused.
LARRY (CONT'D)
What are you doing here?
The boot is placed ATOP THE television. It's dangerously

close to the edge of the hot tub.
Larry eyes it.
LARRY (CONT'D)
Be careful with-
The boot KICKS THE TELEVISION INTO THE HOT TUB...
ZAP! - 10,000 volts of electricity FRY LARRY. He SHAKES

and JOLTS as the water STEAMS and BUBBLES.
31 EXT. CITY STREET -- DAY 31
Phil's car cruises down the street. He sucks a lollipop and

looks over a LIST in his hand.
PHIL (V.O.)
The next morning after downing a
cup of joe and a shot of Jack, I
(MORE)

followed up a lead on the Sandra
White blackmail case.
INSERT: The list shows names like P.T. Boombam, Wesley

Mantooth, Jonathan Fartybutt, and Laszlo Kovacs...

There was a name on the list of those
who bought "Puppet Panty Party" that
rang a bell. A guilty bell.
32 INT. POOL HALL -- DAY 32
The run-down pool hall is filled with DRUNKS and BIKERS.
JOHNNY ALBINO, a disheveled albino, sits at the bar with

Phil. His hair is white and his skin is very pale. Johnny
is extremely jittery. Phil's presence makes him nervous.
PHIL (V.O.)
Johnny Albino.
JOHNNY
I'm telling you, Phil. I don't know
nothing about no puppet bedtime party.
PHIL
Panty party.
JOHNNY
I still never heard of it.
Phil notices that Johnny has been peeling the label off of
his beer. He glances over to a stacked pile of labels.
PHIL
Well I believe you.
He holds up a RECEIPT.
PHIL (CONT'D)
But Mr. Receipt doesn't.
Phil holds it up so Johnny can see it. Johnny leans in and

eyes it close.
JOHNNY
Oh sh...
Phil SLAPS him in the face with the receipt.
PHIL
Spill the gravy. Who's blackmailing
Sandra White?
JOHNNY
I don't know, Phil.
PHIL
You want another smack? Cause I've
got plenty more in the clip.
JOHNNY
Look, all I know is that some woman
paid me $200 to go into that shop
and pick up the magazine.
PHIL
And why would she do that?
JOHNNY
Why do you think? She was human.
A human wouldn't be caught dead in a
puppet book shop.
PHIL
You're a human.
JOHNNY
Yeah, but I'm a freaking Albino!
PHIL
Touche`. What was the dame's name?
JOHNNY
I don't know. Never saw her face.
Had a scarf and sunglasses thing
going, which is surprisingly
effective. All I know is she was a
redhead.
Phil thinks. A redhead?
Suddenly a LARGE BIKER stands directly behind Phil. Phil at

first doesn't pay any attention.
PHIL
Do me a favor, Johnny. If you...
BIKER
Hey! Blue balls!
Phil stops. He just shakes his head.
PHIL
Time for a real morning pick-me-up.
BIKER
We don't like your kind in here.
PHIL
Methodists?
BIKER
Puppets. There's a puppet bar down
the street.
PHIL
Why don't you mind your own business,
pal?
BIKER
And what if I don't, pal?
PHIL
Then this will happen to you.
SMASH! - Phil chucks his drink at the head of the Biker CRACK! -
It shatters over his head. The biker grabs his head and
falls to his knees.
Phil jumps off the stool, now being eye level with the biker.
He winds up and...
BAM! - clocks the biker in the nose, sending him falling to

the ground.
Phil adjusts his coat and looks up. EVERYONE in the bar is
staring at him.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Who else wants a piece?
33 EXT. BAR -- DAY 33
The bar seems pretty quiet. It's early afternoon.
CRASH! - Phil flies through the window and glass flies

everywhere. He lands on the concrete with a thump.
PHIL
I didn't think so.
He lies in pain a moment. A shadow stands over him...
It's Lieutenant Manning.
MANNING
You just can't stay out of trouble,
can you?
PHIL
I'll do anything to get out of paying
for a drink.
WHAP! - The door bursts open and some other BIKERS charge
out, pissed.
Manning opens her coat to show the bikers her holstered gun
and badge.
MANNING
(yells)
Get back inside before I call your
mothers!
They cower and quickly go back inside. She helps Phil up.
MANNING (CONT'D)
We need to talk, Phil.
(beat)
It's about Larry.
34 EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE -- DAY 34
The backyard is now a crime scene. The place is swarming

with cops and photographers.
Brittenie Marlowe, crying, is being interrogated by a cop.
Floating face-down in the hot tub is the LIFELESS CORPSE OF

LARRY PHILLIPS.
Manning and Phil stand over the hot tub. Manning is upset.
Phil seems cold, emotionless.
PHIL
What happened?
MANNING
We're not sure. Larry's girlfriend
was knocked unconscious by the robber.
PHIL
Robber? Come on, Lieutenant, this
asshole electrocuted my brother to
death. This is was no robbery.
MANNING
We can't be sure.
PHIL
Anything missing from the house?
MANNING
Not that we can tell.
PHIL
So there's a new street gang in LA
that robs you without actually taking
anything. I'm terrified.
MANNING
Don't jump to any conclusions.
PHIL
I just jumped.
(MORE)
PHIL (CONT'D)
(beat)
Look, I want in on this one.
MANNING
I know.
Edwards walks through the cops and reaches the hot tub. He
sees the body.
EDWARDS
Whoa. Looks like we got a floater.
MANNING
Edwards...
EDWARDS
Kinda like a big sponge, isn't he?
Phil shakes in utter anger. Phil takes Edwards' arm and

pulls him...
SPLASH! -Into the pool. Phil dives after him. Phil and
Edwards thrash around in the water.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
He's trying to kill me!
Manning just watches and shakes her head.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Ah! Oh Sweet Jesus ! Ah!
35 EXT. LARRY'S HOUSE -- LATER 35
Phil and Edwards sit there. Edwards is wet and has a blanket
wrapped around him. Manning stands over them.
MANNING
You two better start acting like
grown ups.
EDWARDS
I can't believe you even let him
enter the crime scene.
MANNING
The victim is Phil's brother.
Edwards stops. He seems a bit remorseful.
EDWARDS
Oh....
PHIL
Like it matters. We're all the same
to him.
EDWARDS
Phil, I-
PHIL
Shut up.
EDWARDS
I-
PHIL
I said SHUT UP.
MANNING
Phil, I like you. You're one of the
best cops I have... had... excluding
the incident.
Phil looks down in shame.
MANNING (CONT'D)
And that's why I want you and Edwards
to work together on this.
They both seem shocked.
PHIL
What?
EDWARDS
Lieutenant, I'm an official police
investigator. Teaming me up with a
private citizen is unprofessional -
not to mention incredibly annoying.
I'm a boy scout - he's a loose cannon.
I play by the book - he plays by his
own rules. I'm on the straight and
narrow - he's on the edge. I'm the-
MANNING
I get it. And I'm the hard-ass
lieutenant who's three weeks away
from retirement and getting too old
for this shit telling you to shut
up. Phil, if you don't wanna
cooperate, I might have to look into
a certain attack in a parking garage
a few days ago. And Edwards, you'd
look real pretty sitting behind a
desk.
Phil and Edwards look at each other. They ponder.
PHIL
Put whoever you want on this, Manning.
I'm gonna catch the guy responsible
for these murders.
(MORE)
PHIL (CONT'D)
Nobody fries a Phillips in my town
and gets away with it.
EDWARDS
Murders?
(looks around)
Did I miss another body? Seriously,
did I?
PHIL
Whoever took out Larry took out Mr.
Bumblypants and everyone else in
that book shop yesterday.
EDWARDS
What? What's the connection?
PHIL
The Happytime Gang.
36 INT. EDWARDS' CAR -- DAY 36
Edward's white sedan drives along. Edwards drives as Phil

sits in the passenger seat and sucks a lollipop. They're
not speaking to one another.
PHIL (V.O.)
I didn't like the idea of working
with a partner again, especially if
it had to this douchebag.
The car pulls up to an office building.
EDWARDS
So what is this place?
PHIL
You're on a need-to-know basis,
Edwards.
EDWARDS
Um... no, I'm the cop here. You're
on a need-to-know basis.
PHIL
Then what is this place?
He thinks for a moment.
EDWARDS
Um... I don't know. What is this
place, Phil?
PHIL
This is where the R8TN is
headquartered.
EDWARDS
The Retro 80's Television Network?
Shouldn't we be undercover in jean
jackets and jams?
PHIL
If the Happytime Gang is indeed the
connection between the two murders,
then we should start at the top.
The mastermind behind the show who
still owns the rights.
37 INT. PRODUCER'S OFFICE -- DAY 37
The large nice office is covered with awards and posters.

Behind a large desk sits RONOVAN SCARGLE, an older sleazy
producer. Ronovan has on large sunglasses and a cheap suit.
PHIL (V.O.)
Producer Ronovan Scargle.
Ronovan is obviously on a LOT OF CAFFEINE. He sips from a

HUGE LATTE. He is sweating profusely and shaking.
Sitting across the desk are Phil and Edwards. They both
hold cups of coffee.
EDWARDS
Thanks for the coffee, Mr. Scargle.
RONOVAN
Yeah? What? You want more? I'll
get my assistant to make more. I
got some grad A shit straight from
Colombia.
EDWARDS
This is fine, thanks-
RONOVAN
I could use some more.
Phil admires a poster on the wall. The poster is of a group

of soda cans with eyes and capes flying out of an exploding
planet. The poster reads "The Super Slurp Soda Squad - coming
to caffeinate evil."
PHIL
I see you're still shaping young
minds.
RONOVAN
Yeah Yeah Yea. Kids today like stuff
blowing up and product placement.
EDWARDS
Didn't see any of that in The
Happytime Gang.
RONOVAN
Sure didn't. The Happytime Gang was
all rainbows and unicorns and
educations and shit.
Ronovan points to pictures on a bookshelf. The pictures

show various behind-the-scenes snapshots of The Happytime
Gang, circa the 1980's.
RONOVAN (CONT'D)
Pure and utter lameness that in
hindsight makes me wanna vomit blood.
I'm a bit amazed that cable has
decided to air all the old episodes.
PHIL
You must be making a fortune on the
deal?
RONOVAN
We all are.
PHIL
Do you think I could take a look at
the contract you've signed for
syndication rights?
Ronovan suddenly seems uncomfortable. He discreetly reaches

over to his desk and pushes a file under some other papers
in order to hide it. Phil notices.
RONOVAN
I'm afraid that's private information.
EDWARDS
Mr. Scargle, can you think of any
reason why someone would want to
murder Mr. Bumblypants and Larry
Shenanigans?
PHIL
Larry Phillips.
RONOVAN
I have no idea. I haven't seen either
of those has-beens in years.
Ronovan gets up and turns to look out the window.
RONOVAN (CONT'D)
And if you think I had anything to
do with it, then you're barking up
(MORE)
RONOVAN (CONT'D)
the wrong tree. I am a distinguished
member of the community and...
As Ronovan rambles on, he frantically paces back and forth,

all the while looking out the window. Phil leans over to
Edwards.
PHIL
(whispers)
I need to search this office.
EDWARDS
Should we get a warrant?
PHIL
Nah, let's improvise. I'm gonna
spill coffee on him so he has to
leave to clean up.
Edwards doesn't seem too sure. Ronovan still looks out the
window. Phil grabs his coffee cup and...
RONOVAN
You know when I first got into...
WHAP! - Phil hurls his coffee cup at the back of Ronovan's

head. Ronovan drops to the floor like a sack of potatoes.
Phil and Edwards stand over his unconscious body. Phil eyes
the coffee stain on his jacket.
PHIL
Might have to take this one to the
dry cleaners.
EDWARDS
You just-
PHIL
Chill the chat.
Phil reaches over and grabs the file that Ronovan hid. He
opens it and looks at the contents. He grabs it and shoves
it in his coat.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Let's amscray
EDWARDS
But...
PHIL
Fine, you can stay here.
Phil heads for the door. Edwards follows.

Edwards drives along. Phil peruses the document.
EDWARDS
That was incredibly against procedure,
Phil. I'm not going to tolerate any
more inane vigilantism.
PHIL
When'd you learn all these big words?
EDWARDS
I'm resolute here.
Phil reads the document.
PHIL
Ah ha. Just as I suspected.
EDWARDS
Are you even listening to me?
PHIL
No.
EDWARDS
What is that?
PHIL
It's the contract that the seven
cast members of the Happytime Gang
signed with Ronovan Scargle for
syndication royalties.
EDWARDS
Sounds like a page-turner.
PHIL
According to the contract, the cast
members are allotted 7 million dollars
split seven ways. But if a member
dies, then his or her spouse gets
the share. If the member has no
spouse then that share of the pie is
divided up among the remaining living
members. See, it's all in this pie
chart.
Phil holds up a PIE CHART - it's a drawing of the seven

members on a piece of pumpkin pie.
EDWARDS
So Mr. Bumblypants' wife would get
his portion of the money?
PHIL
You're forgetting, Edwards, puppets
can't get married in America. They
have to go to Canada.
EDWARDS
Well were any of the Happytime Gang
Canadian?
PHIL
No. Thank God no.
Edwards thinks for a moment.
39 OMITTED 39
EDWARDS
You're saying a cast member of the
Happytime Gang is killing off the
other members to increase their share
of the money?
PHIL
Is that what I'm saying?
EDWARDS
Yes.
PHIL
You're right. I'm good.
Phil eyes the pie chart. Nurse Jenny, Larry, Mr. Bumblypants,
Country Joe & Lucy, Lyle, and Goofer.
PHIL (CONT'D)
And the killer won't stop until
they're all dead.
Edwards thinks.
EDWARDS
Then at least we'll know who the
killer is.
Phil sighs.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Well it's true.
40 EXT. SOUTH CENTRAL LA -- DAY 40
The run-down, ghettofied part of town is a place you wouldn't

want to be alone at night.
Edwards' car cruises down the street.

PHIL (V.O.)
Tracking down the remaining members
of the Happytime Gang would be tough.
They had scattered and fallen between
the cracks in the last ten years.
41 INT. EDWARDS' CAR -- CONTINUOUS 41
Phil looks over a file. The file has a mug shot of LYLE,
the purple urban puppet.
PHIL
Lyle Unity, aka Lyle Finkelstein,
aka Roach Klip. The only member of
the show with a criminal record.
Robbery, Grand Theft Auto, arson of
a juvenile.
EDWARDS
It all seems to fit.
(beat)
That's what she said.
Edwards laughs. Phil just sighs. Edwards looks around at

the ghetto conditions.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
I really don't like taking my car to
this part of town.
PHIL
That's because you're a little girl.
Now shut up and take a left.
The car turns.
42 EXT. SCARY SOUTH CENTRAL STREET -- DAY 42
The car stops at the end of a scary street, a la Training

Day. Standing in the middle of the street are two PUPPET
GANGSTER THUGS wearing wife-beaters and sunglasses. They
stand with their arms folded.
EDWARDS
I'm not going down there.
PHIL
Maybe we should pick a nicer street
where our suspect doesn't live? We
could just plant some evidence and
call it a day.
EDWARDS
This street is crawling with cons
and gangsters. These thugs see a
cop coming and they'll shoot first
and burn the corpse later.
PHIL
Then take your badge off, moron.
Phil jumps out of the car. Edwards thinks for a moment and
takes his badge off. He follows...
Phil and Edwards head over to the thugs, who suspiciously

eye them. Phil attempt to walk between them, but they step
together - blocking his path.
THUG
Where you think you goin', little
blue pup?
PHIL
How's about you get off my bumper
nuts and quit rollin' on the tight
whips?
THUG 2
Slapping my pong?
PHIL
Dong dong.
THUG
Cool.
The thugs part. Phil walks through. Edwards tries to follow.
Suddenly the thugs BLOCK HIM.
EDWARDS
Uh... I'm with him.
PHIL
No he's not.
EDWARDS
Excuse me?
PHIL
I've never seen that guy before.
EDWARDS
We just got out of the same car.
PHIL
No we didn't. I don't hang out WITH
COPS.
The thugs suddenly eye Edwards.
THUG
You po po?
THUG 2
You po po, man?
EDWARDS
No. No I ain't po po.
A tense stand off. Suddenly everyone starts to LAUGH.
THUG 2
You guys take the mold off my felt
dick, man.
THUG
Come on through.
They part and Edwards passes them. He and Phil walk.
EDWARDS
That wasn't funny.
PHIL
Yes it was.
43 INT. LYLE'S HOUSE -- DAY 43
Puppet GANGSTERS and their LADIES drink beer and chill in

this hood abode.
LYLE sits at a poker table with other gangsters. A BEAVER

PUPPET HO has her arm around Lyle.
Lyle eyes his cards. A gangster eyes his cards as well.
GANGSTER 1
I raise you 50 cents.
Lyle gives the gangster the evil eye. He takes out some
BRASS KNUCKLES and puts them on.
LYLE
What did you say?
GANGSTER 1
I said I fold. I fold, Lyle.
LYLE
That's what I thought!
Lyle laughs. His Ho grabs the pot and pulls it towards him.
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK! - There is a knock on the door. Everyone

looks up and stops what they're doing. They all pull out
guns and point them at the door.
The door opens to see Phil and Edwards standing there. Phil
sees all the guns pointed at him.
PHIL
Whoa. Why you overcookin' my waffles?
A hand reaches out and grabs them, pulling them inside.
Phil is thrown on the poker table and Edwards against the

wall. The gangsters surround them and give them menacing
looks.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Is it too late to buy in?
LYLE
Who are you?
PHIL
Name's Phillips. That's Edwards. I
need to talk with you, Mr. Roach
Klip.
LYLE
Yeah? Well I got me a whiff o' po
po and it's coming from your general
direction.
PHIL
Don't insult me.
EDWARDS
Me neither! I am definitely not po
po. And by po po I am of course
referring to the ghetto slang term
for police, which I am not a part of
just to be clear.
Lyle eyes Phil a moment. Suddenly something occurs to him.
LYLE
Wait a minute. I know you. You're
Larry's brother. We met once back
in the day at the Happytime Gang
Christmas party. You got drunk and
threw Goofer through a plate-glass
window.
PHIL
(think)
Oh yeah. That was a good party.
44 EXT. FRONT STOOP OF LYLE'S HOUSE -- DAY 44
Lyle and Phil now sit alone on the front stoop of Lyle's
house. They just chill and drink beers.
Phil glances inside to see that Edwards is now playing poker

with the puppet thugs.
LYLE
Phil Phillips. The first ever puppet
cop. I used to hate you cause of
that, but then that thing went down
and I knew you were really one of
us.
Phil looks around, ignoring that statement. Nearby, a

HOMELESS PUPPET is throwing up in a garbage can. Two CRAB
PUPPETS stand next to the can, waiting to feast.
PHIL
This is some hard living, Lyle.
Where'd all the money go you made
from The Happytime Gang?
LYLE
I blew all the cream on ladies and
the track. But it's all good. Soon
I'll be getting a phat royalty check
every week. 1/7th of 7 million.
PHIL
You mean 1/5th.
Lyle thinks for a moment. He stares off into space.
LYLE
So sad about Larry, man. He was my
boy.
Lyle pours some of his beer out onto the ground. Phil is
confused. This doesn't seem like his man.
LYLE (CONT'D)
A hot tub electrocution is how my
cousin Deebo went.
45 INT. LYLE'S HOUSE -- DAY 45
Edwards sit at the table playing cards with the puppets. He

cracks open a wine cooler. There's a lot of chips in the
pot. A puppet thug shows his cards.
PUPPET THUG
Straight.
Edwards shows his cards.
EDWARDS
Full house.
The thugs all snicker as Edwards takes the chips. Suddenly

the BEAVER PUPPET HO saunters up and gets cozy with Edwards.
PUPPET HO
Hey, baby.
EDWARDS
Uh... hey.
PUPPET HO
You ever done it with a puppet before?
EDWARDS
Ugh. No.
PUPPET THUG
WHAT? Why not? You got a problem
with puppets?
EDWARDS
No... I mean.. Uh, yes. I mean I
do it with puppets all the time.
All kinds of puppets in all sorts of
positions.
PUPPET HO
Would you do it with me?
EDWARDS
Of course.
PUPPET THUG
WHAT? That's my sister!
EDWARDS
Uh.. I mean...
46 EXT. LYLE'S HOUSE -- DAY 46
Phil and Larry continue to sit on the porch and drink.
PHIL
When was the last time you saw Larry?
LYLE
Funny thing. I hadn't seen the boy
in forever when I was at Cheetah's.
PHIL
Cheetah's? The strip club?
LYLE
Yeah, I was there seeing this fine
puppet named Jasmine, when I noticed
Larry in an argument with Jenny.
This catches Phil's attention.
PHIL
Larry went to go see Jenny?
LYLE
Yeah. Can you believe that woman is
a pole dancer now? How fast they go
from the hospital to the ho-spital.
Wait, didn't you and her have a thing?
PHIL
That was long time ago.
Lyle looks over. He notices a CAR slowly approaching. Phil

turns to look at the car.
LYLE
Those friends of yours?
PHIL
Something tells me those ain't
friends.
The car pulls up and sits in the middle of the street directly
in front of Lyle's house. Phil and Lyle stand up.
It's tense.
The window slowly lowers. We cannot see who is inside.
The end of a machine gun sticks out.
BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!! - Machine gun fire tears up the front
of the house. Phil ducks out of the way and heads for cover.
The car speeds off down the street.
Phil gets up and looks around. Edwards runs out of the house,
gun in hand. He sees Phil.
EDWARDS
Phil? You okay?
PHIL
Yeah.
Phil nods. He spots Lyle SHOT DEAD, laying against the door.
Purple felt is everywhere.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Can't speak for Lyle, though.
47 EXT. LYLE'S HOUSE -- DAY 47
The place is now a crime scene. Manning stands there and

eyes Lyle's body being covered with a sheet. Phil and Edwards
stand nearby.
MANNING
We keep meeting like this, Phil.
What the hell happened?
PHIL
What happened is we just got a lot
more questions than answers. And
this is the lighting round.
EDWARDS
But at least our list of suspects is
narrowing.
MANNING
You really think these murders are
all connected, Edwards?
EDWARDS
I gotta admit, Lieutenant. I do.
Edwards and Phil exchange a knowing glance.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
I recommend you put security details
on the other Happytime Gang members
right away.
MANNING
The chief is never going to spring
for that.
PHIL
Well if he doesn't you're gonna have
more dead puppets very soon and their
multicolored blood is going to be on
your hands.
MANNING
Look, Country Joe & Lucy live in
Bakersfield now which is FAR out of
our jurisdiction, and nobody even
knows where the hell Goofer is.
Maybe - maybe I can put a detail on
Jenny.
PHIL
So you'll protect the one human of
the bunch.
She gives Phil a look.
MANNING
You know it's not like that.
PHIL
I don't know what is what anymore,
Lieutenant.
Phil checks his watch. He starts to head off.

PHIL (CONT'D)
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got
someplace to be.
EDWARDS
Where?
PHIL
A funeral.
EDWARDS
(thinks)
You mean you're gonna go kill
somebody?
PHIL
No, I'm actually being literal.
48 EXT. CEMETERY -- DAY 48
A PRIEST PUPPET stands in front of a coffin reading from a

bible. Nearby is a group of MOURNERS - human and puppets -
including Phil, Edwards, Brittenie Marlowe, and several
others. Also there is COUNTRY JOE & LUCY.
PHIL (V.O.)
Even though I was knee-deep in
intrigue and stuff, it was time to
pay my respects. I loved Larry after
all, that stupid jerk.
PUPPET PRIEST
And so we say goodbye to Larry
Phillips. Beloved friend and semi-
famous TV star. Ashes to ashes,
fluff to fluff.
The coffin lowers. Brittenie Marlowe tosses a rose on top.

Phil notices that Country Joe and Lucy are handing out coupons
to the mourners. They respectively wear a black suit and
dress instead of the standard hillbilly clothes. Lucy has a
large cross around her neck.
With Country Joe and Lucy are their two SMALL CHILDREN.
They also wear black clothing and both have crosses. Country
Joe spots Phil standing with Edwards.
COUNTRY JOE
You're Phil.
LUCY
Larry's brother, right?
PHIL
That's right. This is my... associate
Detective Edwards.
EDWARDS
Howdy.
LUCY
(points to kids)
These are our little ones.
EDWARDS
Wait, you two played twins and now
you're making babies?
COUNTRY JOE
Ten years together - isn't it
romantic?
EDWARDS
Not the word I would have used.
LARRY
We're very sorry about your loss,
Phil. Larry was a great puppet.
He's sitting in a hot tub with Jesus
now in heaven. And the water is a
perfect temperature.
PHIL
How lucky for him.
COUNTRY JOE
I've been hearing rumors, Mr.
Phillips. Rumors that someone is
eliminating members of the Happytime
Gang. What with Bumblypants, Larry,
and now Lyle.
PHIL
I'll be honest - they're more than
just rumors.
LUCY
Oh pish posh. I'm sure it's just a
coincidence. Lyle was into all sorts
of trouble. Probably just an
unrelated drive-by.
Phil and Edwards exchange a look.
EDWARDS
How did you know it was a drive by?
That hadn't been released to the
public.
Country Joe looks at her as well. She seems confused.
LUCY
Well...I...I assumed. I know what
kind of puppets he associated with.
EDWARDS
Would you two mind if I asked you a
couple of questions about the
Happytime Gang?
COUNTRY JOE
Actually we've got to get on a train
headed for Bakersfield.
LUCY
Country Joe and I moved there after
finding the lord. We took all our
money from the show to open up a
barbecue restaurant-slash-worship
center, "Adam's Ribs."
One of the KIDS hands Edwards a coupon.
KID
Here ya go, mista!
They look over the coupon. One side is a picture of lip-

smacking pork ribs. On the other side is a bible verse "Take
this, all of you, and eat."
EDWARDS
How.... tasteful.
COUNTRY JOE
Our hot wings are to be crucified
for.
LUCY
But if you need to talk to us, we'd
love to have you out.
COUNTRY JOE
It was nice meeting you.
PHIL
Likewise.
Country Joe and Lucy head off. Phil shakes his head and
pulls out a lollipop.
EDWARDS
So, Phil, I was thinking we could...
PHIL
Would you mind if I had a moment
alone with Larry?
Edwards looks over to eye the coffin.
EDWARDS
Oh. Sure, take your time.
Edwards turns and heads away, joining the other mourners on

their way to the parking lot.
Phil heads over to the coffin. He takes a deep breath.
PHIL
So, Larry. I guess this is it. I
never...
SANDRA (O.S.)
Mr. Phillips.
Phil turns around to see SANDRA WHITE standing there. She

looks as radiant as ever in an all black ensemble.
SANDRA (CONT'D)
I thought I'd find you here.
PHIL
At my own brother's funeral? Gee,
maybe you should be a detective.
SANDRA
Cut the crap. What's going on with
my case? You haven't been returning
my calls.
PHIL
I've been a little busy. Maybe you
haven't heard, but there's a killer
on the loose.
SANDRA
I read it in the papers....I'm sorry.
But that's no excuse for ignoring a
paying client.
PHIL
I looked into your note. I got no
leads. You know, it would sure help
if I knew why you were being
blackmailed.
Sandra takes a deep breath.
SANDRA
Very well then. I'll tell you.
She slowly takes out a PHOTOGRAPH which she clutches to her

breast.
SANDRA (CONT'D)
There's something most people don't
know about me, Mr. Phillips. I ...
I sometimes fancy the company of a
lady.
PHIL
You mean like carpet munching?
SANDRA
No need to be crass.
PHIL
Big deal, it's a modern age. You
don't have to be ashamed. At least
you're not into aardvarks.
SANDRA
My husband, Mr. Phillips. He's older
and in ill health. If he ever found
out...
(she tears up)
He wouldn't be able to take it.
PHIL
You know denial ain't just a river
in egypt.
Sandra hands the photograph to him.
SANDRA
This is what accompanied the ransom
note. You must show it to no one.
Phil eyes the picture. It's of Sandra White with her arm
around a stripper.
The stripper is NURSE JENNY.
SANDRA (CONT'D)
I don't know who took this, but it
was at a club called...
PHIL
Cheetah's.
She gives him a confused look.
49 EXT. CEMETERY ENTRANCE -- DAY 49
Phil drives in his car out of the cemetery. Suddenly Edwards

stands in the middle of the road. Phil slams on the breaks.
PHIL
(to himself)
I'm gonna regret not hitting him.
Edwards walks over and leans on the window.
EDWARDS
You trying to ditch me?
PHIL
If I was trying to ditch you, you'd
already be ditched. I'm following a
lead.
EDWARDS
Then let me in the car.
PHIL
Look, this case is gonna take forever
if we have to constantly hold each
other's dicks.
An old woman walking by hears this. She's disgusted.
Phil reaches over to a pile of case files on the passenger

seat. He pulls out a mug shot of Goofer circa 1998. He has
a black eye and looks awful. Phil hands it to Edwards.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Why don't you see if you can find
Goofer?
EDWARDS
(eyes the photo)
Goofer? The big orange thing? You
heard the Lieutenant, no one knows
where he is.
PHIL
Try Santa Monica.
EDWARDS
Where? At the pier?
PHIL
No, the sewers where all the other
sugar smacks hang out.
Phil speeds off. Edwards is a bit confused.
50 INT. PHIL'S OFFICE RECEPTION AREA -- DAY 50
Bubbles' desk sits empty. She's nowhere in sight. We can

hear Bubbles' MOANING underneath the desk and some strange
HONKING noises.
RING RING! - The phone starts to ring.
Bubbles pops her head up from under the desk. She answers
the phone...
BUBBLES
Phillips Investigation.
Behind Bubbles, a small YELLOW PUPPET sticks his head up.

YELLOW PUPPET
Come on, baby.
BUBBLES
Shhh.
51 EXT. CLUB CHEETAH -- DAY 51
Phil stands at gritty payphone in a run-down part of town

and drinks a cup of coffee.
PHIL
(into Phone)
It's Phil. I need you to do something
for me.
BUBBLES (O.S.)
Sure, Mr. P. What's up?
PHIL
Find out everything you can about
Sandra White. Trace that check she
wrote us. Any skirt with this much
to lose over a little muff diving
has gotta be knee-deep in something.
Something other than muff, I mean.
BUBBLES (O.S.)
Sure thing. Anything else?
PHIL
We need coffee filters.
BUBBLES (O.S.)
You want the white ones or the brown
ones?
PHIL
What's the difference?
BUBBLES (O.S.)
Well the brown ones aren't bleached,
but you can't fit as many in a box
so the-
He hangs up the phone and looks across the street.
He's across from CLUB CHEETAH.
He notices a SEDAN parked across the street. He walks over

to see two COPS sitting inside.
PHIL
I thought I smelled bacon. You been
keeping an eye on her?
COP #1
Yeah, cause it's our job.
COP #2
Nice to see you're working hard as
usual at the titty bar.
PHIL
I'm feeling up a lead. Anything out
of the ordinary?
COP #2
There was this three-legged sloth
puppet in a wheelchair who went in a
few minutes ago to-
PHIL
About Jenny. Anything out of the
ordinary about Jenny?
COP #2
Yeah, her tassels are starting to
sag pretty low.
Phil TOSSES HIS COFFEE in the cop's face, causing the cop to
SCREAM.
PHIL
Keep up the fantastic work.
Phil heads inside..
52 INT. CLUB CHEETAH -- DAY 52
The dark old club is filled with a mix of puppets and humans.
On stage several puppet and human DANCERS shake their things
while wearing bikinis. One small puppet in particular spins
around on a pole.
Phil sits down at the stage. A PUPPET WAITRESS in a cheetah

costume walks up.
WAITRESS
Can I get you something?
PHIL
Well whiskey, no ice.
She writes down the order and walks away.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Alright ladies and germs, put your
hands, claws, and fuzzy hooves
together for Nurse Ginger!!
"Doctor Feelgood" begins to play. A curtain opens and out

walks JENNY. She's dressed in a skimpy nurse costume.
She begins to dance on stage. Phil watches her and sighs.
She suddenly notices Phil. She seems a little surprised.

He nods to her.
She slowly moves over to Phil. She leans over and whispers
into his ear.
JENNY
I thought you said you'd never come
in here again.
PHIL
There's been a change of plans, Jenny.
We need to talk.
JENNY
Let me finish my set.
She goes back to dancing. Phil just stares at her.
53 EXT. SANTA MONICA BEACH -- DAY 53
Edwards sports sunglasses and walks along the beach. He

spots some stands of people selling hemp products and tie-
dyed shirts.
A WOMAN skates by on rollerblades. Edwards gives the woman

a suave head nod.
He spots a PSYCHIC PUPPET in full gypsy gear. She sits in

front of a table with tarot cards. Edwards walks up to her.
PSYCHIC PUPPET
Can I interest you in a palm reading?
EDWARDS
No thanks, sweetie. I'm looking for
this puppet. Have you seen him?
Edwards holds up a picture of Goofer. She looks at it.
PSYCHIC PUPPET
Is that picture upside down?
EDWARDS
No.
PSYCHIC PUPPET
(eyes it)
Ah, Goofer. I've seen him alright.
EDWARDS
Where?
PSYCHIC PUPPET
I can't really recall. Maybe if I
gave you a reading it would help?
Edwards rolls his eyes.
EDWARDS
Jeez Louise.
He sits across from her and tosses some bills on the table.
He sticks out his hand. She grabs his hands with her hands,
and then with A THIRD HAND she grabs the money. Edwards is
creeped out.
PSYCHIC PUPPET
Oh my.
EDWARDS
What?
PSYCHIC PUPPET
You sure do feel strong emotions
about a certain puppet. A blue one.
EDWARDS
Yeah, loathing.
PSYCHIC PUPPET
No, I'm afraid not. It's more...
sorrow.
EDWARDS
Sorry? Sorrow?
PSYCHIC PUPPET
Yes.. You... you feel responsible
for him for some reason... and have
decided to mask your feelings with
false contempt.
(examines the hands
closer)
Also, you ought to have that mole on
your back checked out.
EDWARDS
Look...cut the mystic mumbo jumbo
and tell me where I can find the
orange thing.
PSYCHIC PUPPET
I've seen him at Bop Manor Tavern.
EDWARDS
The puppet bar?
She holds out her hand. He puts another ten in her hand.
PSYCHIC PUPPET
Yes, the puppet bar.
He sighs.
54 INT. CLUB CHEETAH -- EVENING 54
Phil and Jenny now sit in a corner booth. They both sip on
drinks. She's fully dressed in normal clothes.
JENNY
So what sort of hullabaloo has finally
brought you here to this wretched
hive of scum and villainy?
PHIL
I'm working a case.
JENNY
What kind of a case?
PHIL
Three members of the Happytime Gang
have been murdered and one of 'em
was kin.
JENNY
I'm sorry about Larry, I meant to
call you.
PHIL
I'm sure you did.
JENNY
Things have just been crazy here at
work what with the animal rights
convention at the hotel next door
and all.
PHIL
I gotta say, you don't seem very
worried for a woman with a target on
her perky chest.
JENNY
I've been trying not to think about
it. Besides, I'm not dumb. I've
seen those two coppers sitting
outside. I know I'm being watched.
PHIL
Look, maybe now would be a good time
to get out of town. Go stay with
your mom for a while.
She gives him a look and a little smile.

JENNY
Thanks, Phil.
She reaches across the table and puts her hands on his.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Phil, about me and Larry.
PHIL
I don't need any excuses.
JENNY
What I'm offering is an explanation.
PHIL
For being the Phillips screwdriver
and seeing Larry behind my back?
Let me guess, you had too many
Appletinis and thought it was me.
Eleven times.
JENNY
What did you want me to do? You
were always more in love with the
badge than me.
She removes her hands and seems ashamed.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Don't you believe a girl can change?
PHIL
I don't know what to believe anymore.
JENNY
Well I have changed, Phil. For the
better.
He sighs. She starts to cry. He seems uncomfortable.
He reaches across the table and grabs her hands.
PHIL
I believe you, baby.
She smiles.
55 EXT. BOP MANOR TAVERN -- EVENING 55
Edwards stands on a Santa Monica street before a run-down

old building with blacked-out windows. He looks up at an
old sign that reads "Bop Manor Tavern."
He takes a deep breath and heads inside...

56 INT. BOP MANOR TAVERN -- CONTINUOUS 56
The place looks like it was designed by Chuck-E-Cheese on

acid. There are flashing lights and buzzing noises. Weird
art and graffiti adorn the walls. Puppets - and only puppets -
are all over the place drinking brightly colored concoctions.
Edwards walks in and we soon realize THE CEILING IS ONLY

FOUR FEET TALL. He has to crouch down to walk.
He walks past puppets, and they all eye him. It's been a
long time since a human walked into this place.
RANDOM PUPPET
(to another puppet)
One of these things is not like the
other.
Edwards heads over to OLD MAN PUPPET BARTENDER.
BARTENDER
Can I help you?
EDWARDS
What do you got to drink in this
place?
BARTENDER
The usual. Peach-berry fizz.
Sunshine Solution.
Razzmaatazzaixamatazziamazz-.
EDWARDS
I'll skip the drink. You seen this
guy.
Edwards shows him the Goofer picture.
BARTENDER
Who's asking?
Edwards flashes his badge.
BARTENDER (CONT'D)
Why would I rat on a puppet to a
pig.
EDWARDS
Cause I got INS on speed dial, and
I'm sure they'd be interested in
those illegal aliens you got working
in the kitchen.
Edwards gestures over to a couple of ALIEN PUPPETS washing

dishes and speaking alien speak to one another.
The bartender gives Edwards a look and points to a DOOR at

the back of the bar.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
What's in there?
BARTENDER
The sugar smacks.
56A INT. SUGAR SMACK DEN -- CONTINUOUS 56A
The door opens and Edwards steps in, immediately noticing

the incredibly STICKY floor. The room is dingy and dark.
Several SUGAR SMACKS - puppets crashing on sugar - lounge on

beat-up old couches. One sugar smack sucks lines of Pixie
sticks. Another puts tabs of candy buttons on his tongue.
GOOFER lays on the couch and moans. He looks terrible. He

munches on COTTON CANDY. There's empty cotton candy paper
cones everywhere.
Goofer opens his eyes a little and looks at Edwards. Goofer

seems halfway into unconsciousness.
GOOFER
Hey man... you got any candy for
Goofer?
EDWARDS
Stand up, you piece of trash.
Goofer moves a bit. Edwards reaches down and lifts him up.
GOOFER
You wanna picture with Goofer? $1.
You wanna picture? Goofer take nice
picture.
EDWARDS
No, I don't want a picture.
GOOFER
50 cents? Great Goofer bargain.
EDWARDS
I want information, you orange blob.
What do you know about the Happytime
Murders?
GOOFER
Happytime?.... Goofer had a Happytime
once.
Edwards shoves him back down.

EDWARDS
What do you know?
GOOFER
Goofer don't know nothing about no
murders. Alls Goofer know about
these days is the sugar. The sweet
sweet taste of sugar in my blood.
Edwards shakes his head.
EDWARDS
I should take you downtown but I
don't wanna stink up my car.
Edwards starts to walks off.
GOOFER
The wife.
Edwards stops and turns back around.
EDWARDS
What did you say?
Goofer just lays on the couch and makes pathetic noises,

having slipped into unconsciousness. Edwards walks off.
57 EXT. CITY STREET -- NIGHT 57
Phil and Jenny walk down the street, passing the unmarked
police car with the cops inside. They seem... happy.
Jenny stops. She points to an old red Honda Civic parked

across the street.
JENNY
Well there's my car.
PHIL
Tell me the plan again.
JENNY
I'm gonna run home, grab a few things,
return a couple videos, and then
head straight to Irvine to my mom's
place.
PHIL
You swear?
JENNY
I swear.
There's an awkward moment between them.

JENNY (CONT'D)
Phil, you think... you think that
maybe one day....
PHIL
What? You and me forget the last
ten years ever happened? Kick off
the dirt of the gutter and move into
a little house up in Northridge with
two and a half kids and a riding
lawnmower? Open a pie shop and grow
old together?
JENNY
I was gonna say lunch next week...
but that sounds kinda nice too.
PHIL
We'll see, Jenny. We'll see.
She leans over and gives him a kiss.
JENNY
Good night, detective Phil Phillips.
PHIL
Good night.
She walks over to her car and opens the door. Phil starts
to walk away down the street. He takes a deep breath.
He stops and looks back at the car...
BOOOOOOOOOM!!!! - The car ERUPTS IN A FIERY EXPLOSION.

Flame and debris are everywhere.
Phil watches this.
PHIL (CONT'D)
NO!!!!
He runs up and examines the wreckage. He sees s BURNING

BODY inside the car. The COPS jump out of their car and
rush over. They hold Phil back from getting any closer.
58 EXT. SANTA MONICA PIER -- NIGHT 58
The pier is empty. Everyone has gone home for the night.
The waves crash against the beach.
Goofer stumbles onto the pier. He seems dazed.
GOOFER
(rambling)
They told Goofer it wasn't enough,
but Goofer told them Goofer loved
fruit cake.
Goofer stops dead in his tracks.
Someone is standing on the pier.
GOOFER (CONT'D)
Hey, there. You got any Fairy Floss?
Goofer need it. Goofer need it bad.
A gloved hand raises up. The hand holds COTTON CANDY.
GOOFER (CONT'D)
Oh yeah!
The person raises the cotton candy and...
BAM! - SLAMS IT in Goofer's face.
GOOFER (CONT'D)
What the...?
The person PUSHES GOOFER OVER THE EDGE OF THE RAILING. He

falls...
SPLASH!! - He hits the water.
GOOFER (CONT'D)
Help! Goofer can't swim!
He slowly starts to sink. The figure walks away.
59 INT. PHIL'S OFFICE -- NIGHT 59
Bubbles buttons up her blouse and slips her shoes on. A

small IGUANA PUPPET puts on his pants next to her.
IGUANA PUPPET
You gonna buy me dinner?
BUBBLES
Sure.
WHAP! - The door bursts open. There stands Phil holding a

brown bag. He looks a mess. He throws his coat on the
ground.
BUBBLES (CONT'D)
Mr. P? What are you doing here this
late?
She grabs a file from the desk and holds it up. Phil heads
to his office without paying any attention to her.
BUBBLES (CONT'D)
I got some info for you on Sandra
White. Apparently her real name is
Sandra Star and she's really from
London...
WHAP! - He slams the door. She shrugs and looks to the

iguana puppet.
BUBBLES (CONT'D)
You in the mood for Sushi?
60 INT. PHIL'S OFFICE -- NIGHT 60
Phil sits at his desk and turns on a single desk lamp. He

pulls up the brown bag and takes out a bottle of whiskey.
He opens the bottom desk drawer and pulls out a VHS tape
labeled "Happytime." He heads over and pops the tape in.
The TV springs to life. The image shows MR. BUMBLYPANTS

looking around frantically.
MR BUMBLYPANTS.
Oh Jeezy Chreezy! I lost it! I
lost it!
Suddenly NURSE JENNY walks in.
NURSE JENNY
What's wrong, Mr. Bumblypants?
MR BUMBLYPANTS.
Oh Nurse Jenny! I lost it! I lost
my mailbag! It's got all the
Happytime mail. Including Goofer's
birthday card and Country Joe's tax
refund!
NURSE JENNY
Well you know when I lose something,
I like to sing the "Remember song."
Soft music begins to play.
NURSE JENNY (CONT'D)

(Sings)
Remember the good times, remember
the great times, and remember the
times between.
Her song continues underneath the montage.
61 MONTAGE -- 61
Phil and Jenny sit on the couch and watch a movie together.
They seem in love.
They sit by a fire and drink wine.
They play cricket. She tosses the ball and he nails it.
They swing in the park. Phil is forced to use the baby swing.
It's Christmas. She holds Phil up - who is holding the star -

to put on top of the Christmas tree.
He looks into her eyes. They sparkle.
JENNY
(with Edwards' voice)
WAKE UP!!
62 INT. PHIL'S OFFICE -- MORNING 62
Phil bolts up. He impulsively GRABS THE WHISKEY BOTTLE and

THROWS IT...
SMASH! - Right past Edwards' head and against the wall.

Edwards had been standing on the other side of the desk.
EDWARDS
(jumps)
Jesus!
Edwards eyes the broken glass and then looks back to Phil.
PHIL
(groggy)
Whoops.
EDWARDS
You look terrible, Phil.
PHIL
So do you, but I usually don't bring
it up.
EDWARDS
Get yourself together, we got to
roll. There was a another murder
last night.
PHIL
I know about Jenny, Edwards.
EDWARDS
I'm not talking about Jenny.
Phil is confused.
63 EXT. BEACH -- MORNING 63
The dead, bloated corpse of Goofer lays on the beach. The

tide comes in and out, moving the body a little each time.
It's surrounded by COPS examining and taking pictures.
A few feet away, Edwards and Phil survey the scene. Phil
seems more melancholy. Jenny's death has gotten to him.
EDWARDS
Man, and I thought he smelled bad
alive.
Edwards notices that Phil just stands there, looking out at

the ocean.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Phil? Did you hear my joke?
Phil looks back and eyes the body.
PHIL
Yes, it was terrible. He told you
nothing useful yesterday?
EDWARDS
He was sugar smacked out of his mind
and rambling. Although when I walked
away he said "the wife."
PHIL
The wife? Whose wife?
EDWARDS
Beats me. Maybe he means Lucy,
Country Joe's wife?
PHIL
Puppets can't get married, remember?
They're just domestic partners.
Two CORONERS pick Goofer up out of the water.
CORONER
You guys might want to look away.
We've got to ring him out.
Edwards looks away. Phil doesn't. The coroners twist

Goofer's body, a stream of water purging from his felt.
PHIL
This is making me hungry.
Phil pulls something out of his coat pocket and looks at it.
It's the coupon that Lucy and Country Joe gave them.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Let's go get some barbecue.
64 EXT. INTERSTATE -- DAY 64
Edwards' car speeds along the highway. It passes a sign

reading "Bakersfield - 7 miles."
Edwards drives the car and Phil looks out the window.
PHIL (V.O.)
All fingers were now pointing to a
certain pair of country bumpkins.
Why is it always the simple folks
that go psycho?
Edwards gives him a look. They drive along in silence.

Phil sips on a cup of coffee.
EDWARDS
Look, Phil. I'm sorry.
PHIL
About what? Your suit?
EDWARDS
About Jenny.
PHIL
You only say that because she was a
human. If she were a puppet you'd
be dancing in the street.
EDWARDS
When are you going to move on, Phil?
When are you going to forget... the
incident?
They drive along in silence a moment.
PHIL (V.O.)
So I guess by now you've gathered
that there was an incident. I don't
like to talk about it, but it must
be buggin' the hell out of you. So
here we go...
66 EXT. ALLEY -- DAY 66
Phil, wearing an LAPD uniform, has his gun drawn. He shakes

in fear.
Standing across a dingy alleyway is Edwards, also wearing a

LAPD uniform. Next to Edwards is a young looking THUG PUPPET.
The thug puppet has a gun to Edwards` head.
THUG PUPPET
Put the gun down!
EDWARDS
No! Shoot him, Phil!
Phil eyes the thug. He eyes Edwards.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Shoot him!
PHIL
I ain't never killed a puppet before
Edwards, and I ain't gonna start
with a kid!
EDWARDS
Shoot him now!
Phil doesn't know what to do. The situation is very tense.

Phil looks deep into the eyes of the thug puppet.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Shoot him!!!
Phil lowers his gun and TOSSES IT ON THE GROUND.
The thug puppet lets out a laugh.
THUG PUPPET
Thanks, bro
The thug puppet runs off, laughing all the way. Edwards
stares at Phil, shocked.
EDWARDS
What the fluff, Phil? Why didn't
you shoot him?
PHIL
I was saving your life.
EDWARDS
Bullshit. You just couldn't shoot a
puppet.
Edwards walks off.
PHIL (V.O.)
Edwards ratted on me and I was kicked
off the force the next day.
INSERT - A newspaper is thrown on the ground. The cover

shows Phil exiting a courthouse in disgrace. The headline
reads "Whose Side Is He On?"

I was a disgrace - the first puppet
cop now accused of playing favorites.
That I couldn't take down one of my
own. Edwards was promoted to
detective. It was a day I'll never
forget.
Edwards and Phil still ride along in the car. They are both
silent. Phil sighs. Edwards gives him a look.
EDWARDS
You were thinking about the incident,
weren't you?
PHIL
No.
EDWARDS
Liar.
PHIL
You're a liar.
EDWARDS
Fluff you.
PHIL
Fluff you double...
Phil trails off. He can't say it.
He notices a billboard on the side of the road. It shows

Country Joe and Lucy, smiling big, next to a plate of ribs.
It reads "And thou shall eat BBQ - next exit!"
68 EXT. COUNTRY JOE AND LUCY'S BARBECUE PLACE -- DAY 68
The restaurant is in the middle of nowhere. There's nothing

but an old farmhouse across the street.
A huge sign, in the shape of a cross, spells out the name of

the joint and has a picture of Country Joe and Lucy waving.
The only car in the parking lot is Edwards'. He and Phil

stand next to the car and look around.
EDWARDS
This place is dead.
PHIL
I got a bad feeling.
69 INT. COUNTRY JOE AND LUCY'S BARBECUE PLACE -- DAY 69
The barbecue joint looks like any run of the mill down-home
cooking establishment. Red and white tablecloths are on the
tables. Many pictures of Country Joe and Lucy, The Happytime
Gang, and Jesus adorn the walls.
There's not a person in sight.

Phil looks around the eating area. Edwards walks out of the
kitchen.
EDWARDS
There's nobody back here.
LUCY (O.S.)
Ah!!!!!!
There is a scream in the distance.
PHIL
That sounded like Lucy.
70 EXT. COUNTRY JOE AND LUCY'S BARBECUE JAMBOREE -- CONTINUOUS 70
The two run out the door and look around. They don't see
anything unusual.
LUCY (O.S.)
Ah!!!!!
PHIL
It's coming from that farmhouse.
Phil heads across the street. Edwards follows.
They reach the front porch and draw their guns. On the door
is a large plaque reading "God Blesses Those Who Wipe Their
Feet."
PHIL (CONT'D)
You go around back.
Edwards nods to him. He starts off and suddenly stops.
EDWARDS
Just like old times, aye Phil?
PHIL
You can wack your nostalgia stick
later. Now go around back.
Edwards disappears around the corner. Phil raises a leg

and...
BAM! - Kicks the door open.
71 INT. FARMHOUSE -- CONTINUOUS 71
Phil walks into the house, full-on COPS style. He points

the gun in every direction as he searches.
PHIL
Hello?
No response. He checks out the rooms in his view. It seems

to be a good old fashioned country house filled with religious
paraphernalia, including a fiber-optic Jesus on the wall.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Hello?
No response. He looks up the stairs.
72 INT. FARMHOUSE KITCHEN -- DAY 72
WHAP! - The door from outside kicks open and Edwards runs
in, gun drawn. He looks around, fully COPS style.
It appears to just be a normal farmhouse kitchen.
EDWARDS
Anybody home? It's the milk man!
SCRATCH... Edwards hears something from inside the

refrigerator.
He slowly walks closer to it.
He pulls open the door...
There's nothing inside but a hamster wheel with a hamster

running on it.
73 INT. UPSTAIRS OF THE FARMHOUSE -- DAY 73
Phil slowly walks up the stairs, gun still drawn.
He reaches the top of the stairs and turns the corner, not
knowing what to expect.
He looks down the hallway to see a door slightly ajar. He

slowly walks towards it.
He reaches the door, lifts a leg and...
BAM! - Kicks it open.
74 INT. FARMHOUSE BEDROOM -- CONTINUOUS 74
Phil stands in the doorway of the room and eyes the bed.
Country Joe and Lucy appear to be asleep in bed. He can see

their heads with their eyes closed.
PHIL
Hello?
They don't move. He slowly approaches the bed. He grabs a

corner of the sheet and PULLS IT UP.
Country Joe and Lucy's BODIES ARE TWO FEET LOWER THAN THEIR
DECAPITATED HEADS. There's colored felt and stuffing
everywhere.
Phil eyes this carnage. He can't hold it in. He turns his

head and VOMITS. He stops. He VOMITS AGAIN.
He suddenly notices something out of the corner of his eye.

He looks to see a shadow heading down the hallway.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Hey!
Phil wipes his mouth and heads for the hall....
75 INT. UPSTAIRS OF THE FARMHOUSE -- CONTINUOUS 75
Phil runs out the door and turns just in time to see a boot
disappear down the stairs.
PHIL
Stop!
Phil raises his gun and BLAM! - Puts a hole in the wall at
the top of the stairs.
Phil runs to the stairs and looks down. He sees no one. He

jumps onto the railing and slides all the way down.
76 INT. FARMHOUSE -- CONTINUOUS 76
He lands on the floor and positions himself. He grabs the

handle to the front door and rushes out....
77 EXT. FARMHOUSE -- CONTINUOUS 77
He gets three steps before he stops dead.
FBI AGENT (O.S.)

Freeze, Phillips!
In the front yard of the house are four black SUV's. A dozen
or so FBI AGENTS position behind the vehicles, guns drawn.
PHIL
You boys got it all wrong!
FBI AGENT
Drop your weapon!
Phil drops the gun to the ground.
FBI AGENT (CONT'D)

Hands in the air.
Phil slowly raises his hands up.

PHIL (V.O.)
I believe this is where we came in.
Things aren't looking too good for
Phil Phillips.
78 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM -- DAY 78
It's the barren interrogation room you've seen a million

times. Nothing on the wall but a large mirror. Nothing in
the room except a table and some chairs.
Phil sits alone in the room, his hands on the table. He now
wears an orange jumpsuit with a number on it.
The door opens and in walk Manning, Edwards, and a mean-

looking man in his fifties wearing a suit, AGENT CAMPBELL.
PHIL
The party's all here.
MANNING
Phil, this is special agent Campbell
from the FBI.
PHIL
Special like the olympics?
AGENT CAMPBELL
Shut your blue pie hole, Phillips.
You're in a lot of trouble.
PHIL
(to Edwards)
What is this geriatric g-man talking
about?
EDWARDS
Phil... the FBI is charging you with
the murders of the Happytime Gang.
This catches Phil by surprise.
PHIL
And why would the Federal Bureau of
Incontinence do that?
Agent Campbell smiles. He takes out a tape recorder and

places it in front of Phil.
AGENT CAMPBELL
I'm going to ask you a series of yes
or no questions Phil. I would like
you to answer the God's honest truth.
PHIL
Sure thing. I love the truth.
AGENT CAMPBELL
Did you argue with Larry Shenanigans
and storm out of a restaurant on the
day of his murder?
PHIL
Yes. But his name is Larry Phillips.
AGENT CAMPBELL
Were you present at Vinny's Puppet
Periodicals at the time of the murder
of Mr. Bumblypants?
PHIL
Yes.
AGENT CAMPBELL
And were you visiting the residence
of Lyle Unity when he was gunned
down?
PHIL
Yes.
AGENT CAMPBELL
And also present at the murders of
Country Joe & Lucy, and Goofer?
PHIL
Yes, yes, and no. Look - I see where
you're headed, but riddle me this,
Agent Kimble. Why? What's my motive?
AGENT CAMPBELL
The reason most men do stupid things.
(beat)
A woman.
79 INT. INTERROGATION ROOM VIEWING ROOM -- DAY 79
We're now on the other side of a two-way mirror that looks

into an interrogation room.
Phil stands with Agent Campbell and Edwards. They look

through the mirror and wait.
The door opens to the interrogation room. Manning enters...
Followed by NURSE JENNY.
Phil's eyes widen. As do Edwards'.
PHIL
What the fu-?
EDWARDS
She's dead.
AGENT CAMPBELL
Is she? So she's one of them zombies
I keep hearing about then?
PHIL
I saw her... I saw her body in that
car.
AGENT CAMPBELL
No, you saw a body in that car.
Agent Campbell holds up a file. He opens it to reveal a

picture of RONOVAN SCARGLE.
AGENT CAMPBELL (CONT'D)

The body of producer Ronovan Scargle
to be exact.
Phil and Edwards exchange a glance.
EDWARDS
What the fluff is going on here?
AGENT CAMPBELL
Let's find out shall we?
Agent Campbell reaches over and PRESSES A BUTTON on the wall.

We can now hear everything from the interrogation room.
Manning sits across from Jenny. Jenny cries.
MANNING
Take it slow, Jenny. Take it slow
and tell me what Phil Phillips said.
JENNY
He said... he said that he killed
them. He killed them all. The entire
Happytime Gang. Even his own brother.
Phil's jaw drops. He can't believe this.
MANNING
And why would he do that?
JENNY
For me. For ME. I had been down on
my luck - had a bad string of bets
at the track and my bookie Rico was
gonna break up my face real bad. I
went to Phil and told him, and he
said he had a solution. He said he
was going to make all my problems go
away.
MANNING
But you didn't know what his plan
was?
JENNY
No. Not at all. Not until he visited
me at the club the other night.
That's when he told me what he had
done. He threatened to kill me too
if I told anyone, but... but I just
couldn't keep it inside.
Phil glares at her through the glass. He's stunned.
PHIL
That bitch.
Agent Campbell reaches over and presses the button, turning

the sound from the other room off.
AGENT CAMPBELL
I think we've heard enough.
(to a guard)
Take him to his cell.
The guards drag Phil away out the door. He's in stunned
silence and gives Edwards a glance. Edwards is incredibly
confused.
80 EXT. POLICE STATION -- DAY 80
COPS and LAWYERS mill about outside the LA County lockup.
Jenny walks out the door and down the stairs. She seem upset
and wipes a tear from her eyes.
As she reaches the bottom of the steps, a HUGE SMILE crosses

her face. She puts on some sunglasses.
She heads to a crosswalk and walks across the street...
Edwards heads out the door and looks around. He spots Jenny.
EDWARDS
Jenny! Wait!
She stops in the middle of the street and turns around,

putting the frown back on.
JENNY
Yes, Detective?
EDWARDS
I need to talk to you.
JENNY
But I already-
WHACK!!! - Suddenly a CAR SMASHES INTO HER. She TUMBLES UP

ONTO THE HOOD and ROLLS OVER THE CAR, landing on the pavement.
Edwards' eyes widen. He rushes over as the car speeds off.

He examines Jenny - she appears to be alive. Edwards looks
around.
EDWARDS
Somebody call an ambulance!
He looks down the street to see the car speeding away.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Did anyone catch a plate?
No response from the crowd.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
No one? A dozen cops out here and
no one caught a freaking license
plate?
RANDOM COP
Didn't see you catching it.
EDWARDS
Shut up, Steve.
81 INT. PHIL'S CELL -- DAY 81
Phil sits in his jail cell and stares up at the ceiling. He

hears something and looks over to see a PIG PUPPET GUARD
escorting a SCARY LOOKING LATIN GANG MEMBER into the cell.
PIG PUPPET GUARD

You got a roomie, Phillips. This
here's Choco.
Choco steps in and eyes Phil. He's a very large and very
intimidating man.
PIG PUPPET GUARD (CONT'D)

You hear about your girlfriend Jenny?
PHIL
Ex-Girlfriend.
PIG PUPPET GUARD

Whatever she is, she just got smashed
into by a sedan.
PHIL
What?
PIG PUPPET GUARD

Yeah, right outside.
(MORE)

She ain't dead, just all banged up.
I would'a thought you done it if you
hadn't been locked up in here. Maybe
you're one of them astral
projectionists.
The pig puppet laughs and looks both of them over.

Anyway, you kids keep it down in
here. I'm going to try and go take
a nap.
The pig puppet guard walks off. Phil watches him go and
then looks to Choco.
PHIL
So what you in for, Ch-?
BAM! - Choco PUNCHES PHIL IN THE FACE, sending Phil flying

back into the wall. He falls and hits the ground.
CHOCO
AHHH!!!
Choco CHARGES PHIL and GRABS HIM, holding him up.
PHIL
What's your problem, man?!!
Choco THROWS PHIL over the cot and into the bars. Phil
SMASHES into them and falls again.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Okay, I tried to be nice.
Choco rushes over as PHIL JUMPS UP and...
WHACK! - KICKS CHOCO IN THE STOMACH. Choco falls back and

stumbles onto the cot.
Phil JUMPS ONTO HIM and starts to BITE HIS ARM. CHOCO
SCREAMS.
Choco GRABS phil and TOSSES HIM OFF. Phil falls and SMASHES
into a grungy TOILET in the corner.
Choco stands up and comes for Phil. Phil eyes the toilet,
GRABS THE METAL TOILET SEAT, RIPS IT OFF, and...
WHAP! - Smashes Choco across the face with it. Choco

stumbles back and falls to the ground.
Phil jumps on top of him and grabs him by the collar. He

lift Choco up and looks into his eyes.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Why are you trying to kill me?
Choco is dazed. Phil SLAPS him.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Who sent you?!!!
When Choco speaks, his voice is VERY effeminate.
CHOCO
I... I don't know her name. Some
blonde puppet in a gorgeous little
black one piece. She paid me to get
arrested and end up in the same cell.
Said all I had to do was take you
out and I'd be rich. Gonna pay me a
million dollars Canadian. With the
exchange rate that's like-
PHIL
Canadian?
Phil's eyes widen.
He's just had a massive realization.
PHIL (CONT'D)
London... London, Ontario.
CHOCO
What?
PHIL
Shut up. I'm recalling something
from earlier.
EDWARDS (O.S.)
Phil?
Phil looks over to see Edwards standing at the cell. Edwards

eyes Phil straddling Choco.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
What's going on here?
PHIL
We need to talk, Edwards.
82 EXT. JAIL -- DAY 82
There's now a commotion outside as a CROWD has gathered to

watch JENNY being loaded into a ambulance on a stretcher.
Standing off in the distance, hidden in the shadows, a figure

watches this scene.
It's SANDRA WHITE.
She eyes Jenny on the stretcher wearing a neck brace. It's

apparent that Jenny is still alive.
Sandra grimaces at this scene.
SANDRA
Shit.
She gets into her car - the SAME CAR THAT HIT JENNY. She
drives off.
83 INT. PHIL'S CELL -- EVENING 83
Phil stands on one side of the bars. Edwards stands on the

other side.
Phil suddenly gets serious.
PHIL
Edwards, I want you to listen to me.
Phil takes a deep breath. He gets serious.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Larry's death has really gotten to
me. It's made me realize a lot of
things. That family is important.
That life is precious. And that we
should all, puppets and humans, be
happy just to be alive. Now I know
we've had our differences in the
past, but I think we're ready to
move past all that. What do you
say?
Edwards gives him a look. He smiles.
EDWARDS
Sounds good.
Phil smiles and reaches his hand through the bar for Edwards
to shake. Edwards smiles, reaches in, and...
BAM! - Phil GRABS EDWARDS' GUN OUT OF HIS HOLSTER. He points

the gun at Edwards.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Give me that back.
PHIL
No.
EDWARDS
Did... did you mean any of that
speech?
PHIL
20%
EDWARDS
Which 20%?
PHIL
I can't remember.
EDWARDS
Phil, you're in COUNTY JAIL surrounded
by dozens of cops. You can't just
walk out the door.
PHIL
I know.
Phil takes the gun and POINTS IT AT HIS OWN ARM.
PHIL (CONT'D)
That's why I'm gonna have to do this
the hard way.
EDWARDS
What the fu-?
BLAM! - A gunshot rings out. Blue felt splashes over

Edwards' mortified face.
84 INT. AMBULANCE -- EVENING 84
Phil lies in the back with a GUNSHOT WOUND to his arm being
treated by an EMT. There's an oxygen mask over his face and
he seems unconscious. Edwards sits next to him, upset.
EDWARDS
Hang in there, little guy. Hang in
there.
(tears up)
Oh why'd you do it, Phil? You've
got everything to live for. You've
got....
(thinks)
Um.... you've got....
Edwards shrugs. He reaches over and GRABS PHIL'S HAND.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
We're taking you to the hospital.
You're gonna be okay.
PHIL
Edwards...
Phil opens his eyes a bit.

PHIL (CONT'D)
Let go of my hand.
85 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY -- NIGHT 85
A hospital hallway is lined with STRETCHERS, PATIENTS in

wheelchairs, DOCTORS, and NURSES in scrubs.
SANDRA WHITE turn the corner. She's wearing a brunette wig

and sunglasses. She holds some flowers in her hand.
She approaches a nurses station where an older PUPPET NURSE

sits on the phone.
SANDRA
Excuse me, can you tell me which
room Jenny Sanderson is in?
PUPPET NURSE
You friend or family?
SANDRA
(smiles)
I'm her wife.
The nurse checks a list.
PUPPET NURSE
Ah, yes. Room 7A.
Sandra walks off.
Out a window behind her, we can see an AMBULANCE drive up.
86 INT. AMBULANCE -- NIGHT 86
The EMT still check on Phil. Edwards sees they've arrived

at the hospital.
EDWARDS
We're here, Phil. We're at the
hospital now.
Suddenly Phil's eyes DART OPEN.
PHIL
Oh Good.
Phil sits up, grabs the OXYGEN TANK, and...
WHAP - SMACKS the EMT over the head with it. He grabs a
bandage and wraps it around his arm. Edwards is so confused.
EDWARDS
This was all a scam?
PHIL
Give me your gun.
EDWARDS
What? No way. Don't you remember
what happened last time?
PHIL
I don't have time for his Edwards,
you have to trust me.
Edwards stares at him. He takes a deep breath.
EDWARDS
I'm an idiot.
Edwards hands over his gun.
PHIL
Thanks.
Phil opens the door and hops out.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Wait down here. I'll be right out.
Phil runs off. Edwards thinks.
EDWARDS
Did he just say "thanks?"
86A EXT. HOSPITAL -- CONTINUOUS 86A
Phil jumps out of the ambulance and rushes through the front
doors. He happens to pass a COP who notices him.
The cop grabs his radio.
COP
(into radio)
Phil Phillips has escaped and is
armed. I repeat, Phil Phillips has
escaped and is armed. Send backup
immediately.
87 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- NIGHT 87
The room lay dark with only the hospital bed illuminated. A
heart monitor BEEPS. JENNY lies in bed, a bandage on her
head. She appears to be unconscious.
The door opens and light floods in. Sandra steps in and
shuts the door.
She takes a few steps towards the bed. She stops.

SANDRA
Honey, I'm home.
Sandra drops the flowers to the ground and they scatter

everywhere. We see she holds a SYRINGE.
SANDRA (CONT'D)
I'll mourn you, I promise. Of course
it'll probably be on a beach
somewhere, spending all that Happytime
money on girls and mojitos.
Sandra steps to the IV bag connected to Jenny's arm. She

eyes it a moment.
SANDRA (CONT'D)
Don't worry. You won't feel a thing.
Sandra grabs the IV and holds up the syringe. She's about

to stick it in when...
BAM! - JENNY GRABS HER HAND. Sandra's eyes widen. She

looks over to se Jenny staring at her.
JENNY
Not so fast, you two-timing bitch.
Jenny JUMPS out of the bed and TACKLES Sandra to the floor.
The syringe FLIES out of Sandra's hand and slides across the
floor.
A CAT FIGHT erupts as the two women duke it out. Jenny SLAMS
Sandra across the face.
JENNY (CONT'D)
You told me you loved me.
Sandra SLAMS her right back.
SANDRA
A woman will say a lot of things
when cash is on the line.
The two women continue to struggle. Sandra pushes Jenny

off, and Jenny notices the SYRINGE. She goes for it.
Sandra sees her going for it and goes for it herself. They
race and...
Sandra GRABS the syringe, OVERPOWERS JENNY, and RAISES IT UP

READY TO STRIKE.
SANDRA (CONT'D)
Looks like you've got a boo boo in
your dying area.
Sandra SLAMS IT DOWN AS...

PHIL
Freeze!
Sandra stops. She looks up to PHIL standing there. He has

a GUN POINTED AT SANDRA.
SANDRA
Mr. Phillips, I can-
PHIL
The facts have already done the
explaining, honey. There's a slew
of places where a man can marry a
woman, quite a bit of places where a
woman can marry a woman and a man
can marry a man, and a handful of
places where a male puppet can marry
a woman and vice versa. But there's
only one place that allows same-sex
puppet/human marriage.
Sandra puts her hand on her heart.
SANDRA
(sings)
O' Canada...
PHIL
Shut up and drop the syringe.
Sandra drops the syringe.
87A EXT. HOSPITAL -- DAY 87A
Edwards stands out front and talks to a female EMT. Next to

her is a STRETCHER.
EDWARDS
So what time do you-?
He suddenly notices something. Several SQUAD CARS pull up

and out jump THREE COPS.
The cops all run into the hospital, guns ready.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
That can't be good.
87B INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- DAY 87B
Phil still has the gun on Sandra. She stands up, her hands
in the air. Jenny quickly stands up as well.
JENNY
Oh Phil, thank you so-
PHIL
Pipe down, Jenny. I know everything.
I know you sold me out to the cops.
JENNY
What? I didn't sell you out to the...
(thinks)
It was a two way mirror, wasn't it?
Phil nods.
JENNY (CONT'D)
I'm sorry, Phil. Really, I am.
Sandra tempted me with those gams.
As Jenny pleads, Sandra looks around the room. She glances

out the window and NOTICES SOMETHING. She thinks. She
notices a BEDPAN on the counter.
PHIL
I ain't buying it.
JENNY
Please, Phil. Please,I-
WHAP! - Sandra GRABS THE BEDPAN and HURLS IT AT PHIL. Phil

JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY as SANDRA RUNS FOR THE WINDOW...
Phil directs his gun and...
BLAM! BLAM! - He JUST MISSES HER as she CRASH - JUMPS

THROUGH THE WINDOW.
PHIL
Didn't see that one coming.
87C OMITTED 87C
88 EXT. HOSPITAL -- NIGHT 88
Edwards still stands with the EMT by the stretcher. He eyes

the police cars and the hospital entrance, worried.
EDWARDS
Where the hell is he?
BAM! - Sandra White LANDS on the stretcher and TUMBLES OFF

TO THE GROUND. Edwards looks over, confused.
PHIL (O.S.)
Edwards!
Edwards looks up to see Phil on the second floor looking

through the broken window.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Stop her!
Edwards looks back to see Sandra has scrambled to her feet

and is RUNNING OFF though the parking lot.
Edwards PULLS OUT HIS GUN and pursues.
88A INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- CONTINUOUS 88A
Phil steps away from the window and looks to Jenny.
PHIL
Stay right here.
Phil darts out of the room...
88B INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS 88B
... And into the hallway. He runs for the elevator and
presses the button. The doors open up and he steps inside.
88C INT. HOSPITAL LOBBY -- MOMENTS LATER 88C
The elevator doors open and Phil looks out.
PHIL
Oh shit.
The THREE COPS stand waiting, guns drawn.
PHIL (CONT'D)
I'm in pursuit of a suspect.
COP #1
Drop the weapon and get down on the
ground!
Phil eyes the door behind all of the cops. He then notices
that in the corner of the lobby sits a maintenance cart filled
with various GAS TANKS - Oxygen, etc.
Phil thinks for a moment. He looks back to the cops.
PHIL
How about you drop your weapons and
get down on the ground?
COP #1
I'm afraid we can't do that.
PHIL
Alright then. You leave me no choice.
Phil raises his gun, points it at a particular tank, and...
BLAM! - BLOWS THE TOP off of the tank. The tank FALLS OFF
THE CART and rolls across the floor as GAS SPEWS OUT.
The cops tense up and put fingers on their triggers.

PHIL (CONT'D)
I wouldn't do that if I were you.
This room is being filled with
explosive gas, and any shots fired
will make the whole place go kaboom.
The cops stare at him. He stares back. They're not sure

what to do. Suddenly...
Phil STARTS LAUGHING. The cops are confused. A moment later,

THE COPS start laughing as well.
Everyone is laughing. The laughing grows and grows into

bigger and bigger guffaws.
We finally get a look at the gas tank on the floor. It reads

"Nitrous Oxide."
Suddenly a door form the children's wing opens and a CLOWN

walks in. He spots them all and HONKS his horn.
They all LOSE IT, laughing uncontrollably.
BAM! - Phil JUMPS ON ONE OF THE COPS, TACKLING HIM TO THE

FLOOR. The other cops see this and laugh. The cop on the
floor laughs as well.
COP ON THE FLOOR

That was awesome!
One of the cops tries to swing at Phil and ends up knocking

Phil's gun out of his hand. Phil watches the gun drop to
the floor and laughs. The cop laughs too.
The clown sucks in the gas and starts to laugh. He starts

to HONK repeatedly. BAM! - One of the cops PUNCHES HIM.
Phil points to his gun on the floor.
PHIL
Okay, I've had enough. I've really
got to go. Can you hand me that?
A cop picks up Phil's gun and hands it to him.
Phil nods and runs out of the door. The cops laugh.
89 EXT. ALLEY BEHIND HOSPITAL -- CONTINUOUS 89
Edwards turns into an alley and looks around. It's dark.

Steam shoots out of pipes in the wall.
Edwards slowly creeps down the alley.
EDWARDS
This would be a lot easier if you'd
just give yourself up
CLINK! - A NOISE. He looks over to see a CAT on top of a

garbage can. He breathes a sigh of relief as...
BAM! - A CAT IS THROWN AT HIM. THE CAT HITS HIM RIGHT IN

THE FACE.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
AH!
Sandra CHARGES HIM and TACKLES HIM TO THE GROUND.
Phil runs down the alley and turns the corner. He stops in
his tracks.
There stands Sandra WITH THE GUN TO EDWARDS' HEAD.
PHIL
Jeez, Edwards. You're out of my
sight for two seconds.
EDWARDS
Sorry. She threw a cat at me.
PHIL
The old pussy propel.
SANDRA
Don't move or he gets it.
She presses the barrel harder.
EDWARDS
Shoot, Phil!
Phil ponders. A tense stand-off. Phil begins to shake.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Shoot her!
SANDRA
(smiles)
He can't! He could never shoot
another puppet.
It's a tense moment. Phil has a flashback to that day in

the alley all those years ago. It's the EXACT SAME SET-UP.
He takes a deep breath. His gun rattles....
EDWARDS
Phil, listen to me. If there's one
thing I've learned through all this,
it's that life is only as-
BLAM! _- A SHOT RIPS THROUGH SANDRA'S SHOULDER, causing her

to fall back onto the ground and drop the gun.
Edwards looks to Phil and smiles. Phil blows smoke off of

the end of his gun.
Sandra lays on the ground breathing heavily. Blood soaks

her outfit. Phil stands over her, gun pointed.
Edwards stands there a moment, eyeing Phil.
Everyone stands there in silence.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Phil?
PHIL
What?
EDWARDS
Aren't.... are you gonna say something
witty?
Phil lets out a gigantic sigh.
PHIL
I'm spent.
90 INT. HOSPITAL ROOM -- NIGHT 90
Jenny is packing up her things. She's back in her civilian

clothes.
PHIL (O.S.)
Going somewhere?
She looks over to see Phil in the doorway.
JENNY
I'm getting out of here, Phil.
PHIL
You know I can't let you do that.
She gives him a look. Turns on the old waterworks.
JENNY
Haven't you ever made a mistake?
PHIL
I've made lots of mistakes, Jenny.
Lots. I mean like A LOT. But the
ones I make don't result in innocent
people getting killed.
She comes over and kneels next to him. She looks deep into
his eyes.
JENNY
Please, Phil. Please. I know deep
down inside you don't want to see me
rot away in some jail cell. I know
you understand what I've been through
and that I'm really sorry for
everything that's happened. All you
have to do is step aside is all.
Just step aside.
He eyes her. He thinks.
He steps aside.
She smiles. She leans in and gives him a kiss.
JENNY (CONT'D)
Thank you.
She gets up and walks out the door...
91 INT. HOSPITAL HALLWAY -- CONTINUOUS 91
... Right into the hallway. She stops in her tracks.
There stands EDWARDS holding handcuffs. Two UNIFORMED COPS

stand with him.
EDWARDS
Miss, I'm going to have to ask you
to come with me.
She turns back to Phil who stands in the doorway.
JENNY
Why did you...?
PHIL
I wanted the kiss.
She glares at him. Edwards comes over and cuffs her.
EDWARDS
You have the right to remain silent.
You have the right to...
Edwards continues.
92 EXT. HOSPITAL -- NIGHT 92
There are squad cars everywhere and a police line has been
drawn. Phil sits on the back of an ambulance, his arm now
in a sling, and watches as Jenny is put into the back of a
squad car.
EDWARDS
Mind if I take a seat?
Phil looks up to see Edwards standing there.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
No - you're gonna say no. I know.
I'm sitting anyway.
Edwards sits down.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Good work, Phil. Seriously. I
especially liked the part where you
shot yourself.
Phil lets out a little laugh.
EDWARDS (CONT'D)
Was that a laugh?
PHIL
Don't get used to it.
Suddenly NEWS VANS roll up and REPORTERS jump out. Phil

eyes them.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Looks like you've got a press
conference to get to.
EDWARDS
How about we both go this time?
Edwards takes something out of his pocket and holds it up.

It's a BADGE.
PHIL
What is that?
EDWARDS
I talked to the Lieutenant, who talked
to the Captain. We want you back on
the force. Back in homicide. You're
the best detective around, and the
residents of this city need you.
Phil eyes the badge and takes it in his hand. Edwards smiles.
Phil THROWS THE BADGE INTO A NEARBY FOUNTAIN. It lands with

a SPLASH. Edwards is confused.
PHIL
No thanks. I've already got a job.
EDWARDS
What?
PHIL
You're right. I am the best detective
around and the residents do need me
to take out the bad guys - puppets
and humans alike. But not up there
in your ivory tower. Down here, on
the streets. Cause the streets is
where I belong.
Phil steps down and takes a few steps in the other direction.
PHIL (CONT'D)
And I wouldn't have it any other
way.
Phil nods to Edwards and walks off into the parking lot.
Edwards give a little smile and heads to the reporters.
Phil reaches a car and hops inside where BUBBLES is waiting

behind the wheel.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Let's get out of here, Bubbles.
BUBBLES
Sure thing. Where to? Diner? Motel?
PHIL
(thinks)
Motel then diner.
She gives him a smile and they take off.
FADE OUT:

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"The Happytime Murders"

1 EXT. FARMHOUSE -- DAY 1

Detective PHIL PHILLIPS stands on the front porch of a

Phil's hands are raised in the air. We soon see why...

In the front yard are FOUR BLACK SUV's. A dozen or so FBI

Phil slowly reaches into his jacket...

Phil pulls out a LOLLIPOP. He shoves it in his mouth and

Phil eyes the agents. They seem scared of him. This

PHIL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

2 EXT. LOS ANGELES SKYLINE -- DAY 2

The city looks especially dirty on this smoggy day.

3 EXT. DOWNTOWN STREET -- DAY 3

Dozens of PEOPLE walk the streets on their way to work. The

A RED PUPPET walks down the street holding a box of donuts.

PHIL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Suddenly a group of TEENAGERS run by and push the puppet

Everything goes into slow motion. The puppet falls, the

PHIL (V.O.) (CONT'D)

SPLAT! - A car tire squashes the donut. The tire belongs

The Cadillac turns into a parking garage.

4 INT. PARKING GARAGE -- CONTINUOUS 4

The spooky old garage is fairly empty. A neon light flickers.

They appear to know one another.

He suddenly has A GUN pointed in his face.

In the trunk, laying amongst puppet feet, is PHIL. He

He holds up a CROW BAR.

The skinny man SLAMS THE TRUNK CLOSED.

Phil stands between them.

Phil holds up a CROWBAR.

WHACK! - HE SMASHES THE FAT MAN on the back of the knees.

SMASH! - Crashes Phil into a windshield, CRACKING IT.

5 INT. DIFFERENT PART OF PARKING LOT -- CONTINUOUS 5

The voice seems to be coming from everywhere.

PHIL (O.S.) (CONT'D)

Phil takes the crowbar, swings it back, and...

5A INT. PARKING GARAGE -- LATER 5A

VOICE ON PHONE (O.S.)

BOOM! - The car EXPLODES.

6 EXT. NEWSSTAND -- MORNING 6

An OLD MAN PUPPET tap dances on a street corner, a small

Nearby, a little PUG BULLDOG PUPPET stands behind the counter

A good-looking all-American man in his thirties, DETECTIVE

Edwards eyes his own picture and smiles. He looks over to

He slides over next to her, exposing his newspaper so that

The woman doesn't notice. Edwards waits. He finally just

This causes the confused woman to look over and notice

Edwards looks at the paper, as if he just caught it.

The woman smiles and reads the headline.

She walks off. Edwards stands there, a bit offended.

He shrugs and starts to walk off.

Edwards gives a polite wave, as if he thinks the bulldog is

Edwards walks down the street to his WHITE POLICE SEDAN. He

He looks over to see three BOYS picking on the tap dancing

OLD MAN PUPPET

OLD MAN PUPPET

Edwards thinks for a moment and eyes his watch. He looks

The boys see him.

Edwards reaches into his jacket and pulls out a REVOLVER.

ALL THREE BOYS

He raises the gun and... BLAM! - It FIRES. He flinches,

OLD MAN PUPPET

OLD MAN PUPPET

OLD MAN PUPPET

The old man puppet starts to dance. Edwards seems