Veep S03E08 720p

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Ripped By mstoll
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AMY: Okay, Thornhill
knows how to throw a ball,
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Pierce may be a sitting fuck,
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but the main targets here
are Maddox and Chung.
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Well, hit Chung with inexperience
and Maddox with resignation.
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Actual and general air of.
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Yeah, I want their heads on my wall.
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Actual heads.
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God, I love this kinda talk.
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Gets me aroused. Sorry, I meant roused.
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No, did I... I meant aroused. Aroused.
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- Hi, Catherine.
- Hi.
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- Americano, dash of cow.
- Thanks.
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Whoa! Who the fuck
is smiley-faced coffee boy?
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That's Jackson.
I hired him to sharpen up Selina's answers.
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He's a writer.
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Yeah, you know, speeches, one-liners.
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Just me and my iPad,
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which I like to call
the "Zinger Sewing Machine."
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Oh, so you threw away Dan
and you kept the voodoo doll, huh?
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I know, it's terrible
that the First Lady tried to kill herself,
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but our carrying on
is what she would have wanted...
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Does want.
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AMY: Okay, let's rehearse the debate.
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Congressman Furlong,
can you be Joe Thornhill?
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Let's see. "I don't know
anything about NAFTA,
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"but I do know about baseball.
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"Baseball, baseball, baseball.
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"Look at my muscly chest. Vote for me."
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Ben, you are Owen Pierce.
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"Well, I'm a baby-faced,
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"know-nothing congressman
from Shit Stain, Nevada,
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"uh, who's got the newly dropped balls
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"enough to think that I can run for president."
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Kent, you are former Sec Def Maddox.
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Don't do the voice, though.
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I've only ever used this voice,
even as a young child.
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Okay.
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Sec Def Maddox,
where do you stand on crime?
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Well' right now
I'm coming across pretty hard-lined,
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so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
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Oh, well, I'm the hip-hop
governor of Minnesota
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and I'm coming off as too soft,
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so I'll try to out-hard Sec Def Maddox.
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They've got more flip-flops
than the cast of Baywatch.
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What? Oh my God!
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Well, maybe.
I don't know if it's gonna be Baywatch.
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There's probably
a more up-to-date reference we would...
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You know what, son? You should only talk
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if someone pulls your string, okay?
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And even then, you just say, "Tickle me."
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I like his jokes. They're jokes, right?
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- Yeah.
- Yeah?
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- CATHERINE: Yeah.
- Okay, everyone, a drumroll.
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(GRUNTING RHYTHMICALLY)
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That's not really a drumroll.
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She's coming. She's coming.
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SELINA: Ready?
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I think Gary's about to come.
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- She's coming.
- SELINA: Don't do it. It's too much buildup.
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It's too much buildup.
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(PEOPLE GASPING)
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Rebranded.
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(SELINA LAUGHS)
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What do we think? I love it.
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Ha-ha!
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Love it, love it. Looks great.
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I never knew you had so much neck.
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- I know!
- I mean that in a good way.
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- Right.
- I think necks are neat.
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I'm going to go show everybody myself.
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- Okay.
- Okay, let's go do it.
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Just imagine, that's what you'll look
like when you become a boy.
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AMY: Ma'am, this is
the haircut that your head has
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always wanted, but was too afraid to ask for.
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Right.
Everything about it says...
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- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow.
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Yeah. Hello. Oh, no, don't be shy.
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If you feel like you must applaud,
then, you know.
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(CHUCKLING) Oh!
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No, it's fine. Don't, don't.
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Look at that, Mom.
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People are gonna start
to think we're sisters now or siblings.
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Well, that's not the haircut.
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That's always been the case.
We always get that. Hi.
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- Ma'am.
- Yes?
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Would you sign this to the max, please?
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Yes.
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Getting nothing here.
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- Thank you.
- Okay.
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"Short hair for the long haul."
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- That's good, I like that.
- Thanks, guys.
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- Very good.
- CATHERINE: What is it with you two?
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It's like flirting, but sexless.
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Well, look, it's George Looney.
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Hey, Kent.
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Dan, what are you doing here?
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Everybody needs to be somewhere, Mike.
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I need to be here.
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So, did they cure you or whatever?
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No, I did not need to be cured, Michael.
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I diagnosed myself
with an acute case of "everythings fine."
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Can I get anybody a coffee?
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- Ah, yes, please.
- Yeah? Okay.
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Milk and two heaping spoonfuls
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of whatever the fuck you're on.
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Me, too.
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'Cause it frames my face. Yeah.
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Oh, oops, excuse me, buddy.
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Oh!
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- Oh.
- I didn't even recognize you.
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- Look at you.
- Look at you.
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- I love it. Do you love it?
- Yeah.
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Ma'am, I just wanna say again, thank you.
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Mmm-hmm.
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And I'm still very sorry I let it all get to me.
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- Yeah.
- But I've cleared it out.
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I'm much more centered. I'm better.
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Yeah, well, like I said before, I forgive you.
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- Because I'm nice.
- You are.
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- And because I need your brain.
- Thank you.
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But don't ever go schizo-titzo on me again.
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And get rid of this.
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AMY: Ma'am, continuing to love the hair.
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Thank you.
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- Welcome to debate prep.
- Oh, good.
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Mike is Chung. Kent is ex-Sec Def Maddox.
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SELINA: Uh-huh, Oh.
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Ben is Owen Pierce.
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Oh, that does look like him.
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And Congressman Furlong is Joe Thornhill.
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Baseball.
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Yeah. Oh, God!
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Can't we give Pierce a dollar,
send him off to the movies or something?
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Let me tell you something.
Thornhill's the one to watch,
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because he is a complete asshole.
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Actually, you know what?
Uh... Oh, here you go, buddy.
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- Thank you.
- Coffee for the Golden Bear.
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Uh, I have a buddy
who is inside MLB and he said it's possible
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that Thornhill might have had an affair.
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Whoa. Do we have proof?
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Yeah, is there a smoking condom?
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It supposedly happened
about eight years ago.
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Eight years ago? It could have been anyone.
Could have been Ben.
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Yeah, I poked everything
that moved back then.
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You did. All right, well, we just need
another reliable source and then, uh,
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we can make it an affair to remember.
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Bam!
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God, I feel so powerful!
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I got a whole new rush
of blood to my new head.
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Well, if Thornhill strayed
once, there might be others.
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Maybe a crack whore, if we're lucky.
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Call me naive, but isn't that unethical?
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You're naive. Welcome to politics.
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Sorry to interrupt,
but I need these looked at, stat.
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Ugh.
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And the President's office is on the line.
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Oh, my God!
The President will not stop calling.
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I just can't seem to get him out of my hair.
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- Ma'am?
- Did you notice?
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- You have a new haircut.
- Yeah.
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- And a twitch.
- What?
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I thought I was just feeling it.
You actually saw it?
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It's really, really, really tiny.
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You've seen it?
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When you feel it happening,
maybe you smile through it.
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Oh.
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Oh, there. Aha!
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- Did you see that?
- Not at all.
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Sue, I cannot stress to you enough
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the uninterruptability of this meeting.
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Well, maybe I should
get my mother to sign these papers.
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Okay, Sue, do not test me.
I do not want to have a scene here.
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I will not have a scene.
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Somebody should check
if they're having makeup sex.
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Gary. Gary!
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Oh! What do you think of the new out?
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Huh, do you like it?
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Of course I don't fucking like it, Gary.
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It's the worst use of scissors
since my failed vasectomy.
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The elfin look is in right now.
I was reading about it.
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People don't elect elves, okay?
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They put them to work in grottos
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or they get them drunk at frat parties
so they can toss them.
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- Okay, that's dwarves.
- It doesn't matter.
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- Do you really think it's too short?
- Yeah.
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She looks like k.d. lang.
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Think of all the lesbian jokes
we're gonna have to suffer.
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"Strap-on Selina,"
"Selina Navratilova? "Fingering the dyke."
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Oh, Mike. Why are you so angry?
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Because you have created
a fuckload of work for me.
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I have to go out
and find a friendly style reporter,
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get 'em on our side, preferably a blind one.
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You're married to one.
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A blind woman?
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- Okay.
- Oh, Wendy. I'll text her.
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Okay, do you think
we would add extensions or something?
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I'm up for extensions. What are extensions?
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The first thing is defense spending.
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Yeah, well, then we use
the draw down-lock down.
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- Right.
- Fuck-what which-way?
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Draw down troops abroad,
lock down the budget at home.
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Our line can be, "Thornhill's
hitting home runs and away runs."
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- Can you have "away runs"?
- Yeah.
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- No.
- SELINA: Okay, so, uh,
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what am I attacking Chung with?
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Ha-ha.
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What, are you laughing
at us, Pee-wee Sperman?
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- Oh, stop it.
- HAHA.
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"Health care, air pollution,
high salaries, and Afghanistan."
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AMY: Position on immigration.
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Okay, well, my position
has always been clear on immigration.
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Um...
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Oh God! What the fuck is that thing?
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- The Three R's.
- Oh, the Three R's.
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Um, "Reaffirm, reform, renew."
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- Renew.
- Yes.
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I don't think I like the Three R's, you guys.
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- I like them.
- You do?
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Okay, yeah. I like them, then. I like 'em.
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Okay, so, moving on.
Do you think that your London trip
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harmed the "special relationship"?
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Absolutely not.
We still have a very special relationship
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and I'm very much
looking forward to the upcoming royal visit.
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Okay. I think we're gonna leave it there today.
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Meeting is over. Pleasantries, et cetera.
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Well, ma'am, I hope your meeting went well,
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because the rest of your day
is a logistical hell.
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Is there any way you can
make that sound more appealing?
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Well, I could add
the word "cookie" on the end for no reason.
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She can't practice not having the twitch.
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She can practice that.
It's called "muscle memory."
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This is gonna be on television.
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What about Botox?
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JOE: We're getting ready for showtime.
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Oh, sure am, boss. Sure am.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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How are you feeling?
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It's hot. It feels hot in here. (LAUGHS)
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Yes, it's fine. Thank you very much.
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- Welcome to the University of New Hampshire.
- Thank you.
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Uh, we're gonna be onstage
in about five minutes, everybody.
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It's like being dropped
into enemy territory unarmed.
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(LAUGHING)
244
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,536
Oh, nice to see you, Congressman Pierce.
245
00:08:46,659 --> 00:08:48,036
Madam Vice President.
246
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:50,904
Hope you're not feeling loo...
Well, I guess you are feeling a little nervous.
247
00:08:50,997 --> 00:08:52,305
- Hey, George.
- Hi. How are you?
248
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:53,503
I like the new hair getup.
249
00:08:53,566 --> 00:08:54,636
Oh, thank you.
250
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:55,712
You'd fit right in in the military.
251
00:08:55,802 --> 00:08:58,009
Sir, might I say, you look very presidential.
252
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,142
Get me some fruit, some mango.
253
00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:02,013
Yes, sir, of course. Absolutely.
254
00:09:02,075 --> 00:09:03,748
Well, here it is, game one of the series.
255
00:09:03,843 --> 00:09:05,550
Joe Thornhill. What are you gonna do?
256
00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:07,488
You gonna hit one
out of the park, Shoeless Joe?
257
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:08,855
Well, I'm gonna try, ma'am.
258
00:09:08,915 --> 00:09:09,916
Maybe we're gonna be surprised
259
00:09:10,016 --> 00:09:11,017
by our pinch hitter over here.
260
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:12,186
JOE: Well, you never know.
261
00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:14,163
Oh, my, um, parents did not allow me
262
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:16,163
to play sports growing up, so...
263
00:09:18,258 --> 00:09:20,238
That's a shame.
264
00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:22,566
Oh, I wonder if we should, um, take a picture.
265
00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:24,232
- Do you think that would be a good idea?
- Good idea.
266
00:09:24,330 --> 00:09:25,502
Should we, uh...
267
00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:26,769
No, I think...
268
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:29,173
- I have a much better camera.
- Bup, bup, bup, bup...
269
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:33,083
All right, say, "Who's gonna be President?"
270
00:09:33,173 --> 00:09:34,174
- No, no.
- No.
271
00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:38,582
Mr. Egan, I see you've shaved. Wise.
272
00:09:39,345 --> 00:09:42,019
You don't have the facial gravitas for a beard.
273
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,255
It's so smooth, it's amazing.
274
00:09:44,350 --> 00:09:46,352
It's like touching a child's face. Here, try it.
275
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:49,195
I don't enjoy touching children's faces.
276
00:09:49,622 --> 00:09:50,726
And neither should you.
277
00:09:50,857 --> 00:09:52,928
Hey, Dan Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.
278
00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,233
How's it going, buddy? You gonna self-harm?
279
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:56,870
Can I live-stream it?
280
00:09:57,230 --> 00:09:59,540
You know, a lot of that aggression
comes from insecurity, buddy.
281
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:01,941
How are you gonna manage
all this craziness?
282
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:04,948
Well, I don't just manage, ma'am, I coach.
283
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:06,478
And I'm gonna coach America.
284
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,078
You're talking to me now.
285
00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:09,312
(CHUCKLES) I was just practicing.
286
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:11,980
Okay. But I mean, if it doesn't pan out, uh,
287
00:10:12,879 --> 00:10:15,291
well, I guess you'll just have happy memories
288
00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:17,793
to bring home to, um... Where is it?
289
00:10:17,884 --> 00:10:19,989
I believe they still call it
the White House, ma'am.
290
00:10:20,086 --> 00:10:21,622
- You gonna come visit me?
- Visit?
291
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:22,995
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna redecorate. (LAUGHING)
292
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:24,159
Oh, okay.
293
00:10:24,257 --> 00:10:25,292
Sorry to interrupt, ma'am.
294
00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:26,563
You go right ahead.
295
00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:27,797
Yeah, thank you. I just wanted to make sure
296
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:30,067
that you had all the numbers
on the sanctuary states.
297
00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:34,471
Oh! Oh, yes. Yes, I do. Yes.
298
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,308
Because you need them all.
Otherwise you'd be screwed.
299
00:10:36,402 --> 00:10:37,506
- Yeah.
- Completely.
300
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,242
That's cute, little mind games.
301
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:41,842
I happen to know all about
sanctuary states, ladies.
302
00:10:41,941 --> 00:10:43,477
(CHUCKLING)
303
00:10:43,910 --> 00:10:45,116
- See you later.
- All right.
304
00:10:45,178 --> 00:10:47,180
Yeah. I think I just did...
305
00:10:47,280 --> 00:10:48,350
- The twitch is back.
- The twitch is back, yeah.
306
00:10:48,448 --> 00:10:49,449
I cannot believe it.
307
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:51,291
AMY: No, that's in the past
and you have to go forward.
308
00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,352
- And you're gonna annihilate...
- Oh my God!
309
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:53,453
Twitchy is back.
310
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:54,498
- Shit!
- What?
311
00:10:54,587 --> 00:10:55,657
Don't sweat it.
312
00:10:55,755 --> 00:10:57,666
You have to literally not sweat.
313
00:10:57,757 --> 00:10:58,861
You don't want to go Nixon on us.
314
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,164
You can turn sideways.
315
00:11:00,260 --> 00:11:02,001
Twitch, smile, turn.
316
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,665
- And the Three R's.
- I have the Three R's.
317
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,140
"Reform, reaffirm, renew."
318
00:11:05,265 --> 00:11:06,676
No, "Renew."
319
00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,602
That's what I just said, "renew."
320
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:09,942
She looks like Peter Falk.
321
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:11,343
Maybe a fourth R?
322
00:11:11,437 --> 00:11:12,882
- Maybe just "relax."
- No.
323
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:14,679
Madam Vice President, 30 seconds to air.
324
00:11:14,774 --> 00:11:16,014
AMY: Thank you.
325
00:11:16,142 --> 00:11:17,382
Is the twitch really bad?
326
00:11:18,444 --> 00:11:19,787
Yes.
327
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,052
- Okay.
- Yeah.
328
00:11:21,147 --> 00:11:22,888
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
329
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,791
the candidates for tonight's debate.
330
00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,730
- Joe Thornhill. 
- (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
331
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:30,163
Former Secretary of Defense George Maddox.
332
00:11:30,990 --> 00:11:32,799
Vice President Selina Meyer.
333
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,702
- Madam Vice President.
- How do you do?
334
00:11:34,794 --> 00:11:37,297
Here's my favorite part, where they all
pretend like they like each other.
335
00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:38,501
Governor Danny Chung.
336
00:11:38,631 --> 00:11:39,735
Fuck Broadway. This is real acting.
337
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:41,402
Congressman Owen Pierce.
338
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,339
DOYLE: (CHUCKLES) Nice air kiss.
339
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:45,349
- I think he actually missed the air.
- Welcome, all of you.
340
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:46,383
SELINA: Thank you.
JOE: Thank you.
341
00:11:46,472 --> 00:11:47,473
MODERATOR: Let's get started.
342
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,584
ROGER: Now, he spills his water!
343
00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:51,019
I swear, this kid is literally gonna shit himself.
344
00:11:51,344 --> 00:11:54,154
Joe Thornhill, you're an ex-baseball coach.
345
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,924
People say
you're way out of your league, literally.
346
00:11:58,184 --> 00:11:59,322
Shouldn't you get off the field?
347
00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:00,657
You know, ma'am...
348
00:12:01,087 --> 00:12:04,899
I'm just an ordinary guy
and I live in the real America.
349
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:09,070
I may not know much about
running the country, I'll give you that.
350
00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,436
But you know what?
351
00:12:10,530 --> 00:12:11,668
Neither did George Washington.
352
00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:12,935
Very good.
353
00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:15,342
Now compare yourself
to Lincoln and Buddha.
354
00:12:15,835 --> 00:12:17,678
What you need is some coaching.
355
00:12:17,770 --> 00:12:21,445
And I want to be your coach.
I want to coach America.
356
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,552
And if you'll have me,
357
00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:29,060
well, I guarantee you
we're going all the way to the pennant.
358
00:12:29,115 --> 00:12:30,458
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
359
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:32,591
Thank you very much.
360
00:12:35,521 --> 00:12:37,125
Thornhill's dial tests are off the dial.
361
00:12:37,223 --> 00:12:38,258
The focus groups love him.
362
00:12:38,358 --> 00:12:40,304
The public will vote
for anybody they recognize.
363
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:43,067
We could lose to the whale from Free Willy.
364
00:12:43,196 --> 00:12:46,040
Well, today, we're here to talk about records.
365
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:49,303
And, uh, my record clearly
shows that unlike some of us,
366
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,377
uh, I have been tested.
367
00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,384
Here comes the burning tank story
where he saves the one guy
368
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,147
and the rest of us get fuckin' tenured.
369
00:12:56,376 --> 00:12:59,084
...when I, uh, saved my friend
370
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:02,386
on the field of battle, uh,
371
00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:04,661
from a burning tank. I, uh...
372
00:13:05,551 --> 00:13:07,462
I wasn't thinking about myself
373
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:09,464
I was thinking about my friend.
374
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:11,801
I was thinking about his family.
375
00:13:11,891 --> 00:13:13,893
DOYLE: Look at him throwing
his water everywhere.
376
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:16,638
He should have been there
when the tank was on fire.
377
00:13:16,729 --> 00:13:18,675
God, how does this kid feed himself?
378
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,574
Mike, you said Wendy
would be here. Where is she?
379
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:24,578
She's not my dog, Amy.
Who actually isn't very well at the moment.
380
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:26,082
I don't care, Mike. Just get Wendy here, okay?
381
00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,846
She's got a problem with an anal gland.
382
00:13:28,608 --> 00:13:29,916
I'm talking about the dog.
383
00:13:30,076 --> 00:13:31,953
- Oh, there she is. Hey, tiger.
- Ha...
384
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,489
- Hey...
- So, Gary...
385
00:13:34,580 --> 00:13:35,991
- Yeah' yeah, yeah.
- ...talk to Wendy about Selina.
386
00:13:36,082 --> 00:13:37,527
- What?
- The thing we... The...
387
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,254
Uh, Wendy, hey.
388
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,988
We are so excited
about the Veep's new look, Wendy.
389
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:44,329
(STAMMERING) We think it's, uh,
makes her look younger,
390
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:45,869
but it's age-appropriate, I feel.
391
00:13:45,958 --> 00:13:47,460
- Nice to see you, too, Gary.
- Hey.
392
00:13:47,527 --> 00:13:49,336
Hey, relax. It's a puff piece' all right?
393
00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:51,500
I'm with the style section now.
You don't have to do that.
394
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:52,940
People are being so critical, Wendy.
395
00:13:52,999 --> 00:13:54,535
I mean, they think she looks like a lesbian.
396
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:57,348
Shit! I didn’t just say that. I'm sorry.
397
00:13:57,437 --> 00:13:59,815
Gary, stop being so nervous. Watch me.
398
00:13:59,872 --> 00:14:01,351
"Oh, I love your tie."
399
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:03,478
See? Basically brain-dead. Don't worry.
400
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:05,314
- Secretary Maddox.
- Yes.
401
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:08,120
You've been with the military exclusively.
402
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:10,491
What makes you qualified
to be the President?
403
00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:14,555
I'm a man of words
that the American people can understand.
404
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:22,405
I'm talking about words like,
the economy, jobs...
405
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,800
World's worst boy-band member
ever right there.
406
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:30,371
It's a simple and direct language.
407
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:33,374
And, um... (CLEARING THROAT)
408
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,208
He looks like
he just came out of the bathroom
409
00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,379
and then decided that he hadn't finished yet.
410
00:14:37,477 --> 00:14:40,151
It's a language that I feel
411
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:43,751
the American people wanna listen to.
412
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:45,989
I feel your pain. You okay?
413
00:14:47,553 --> 00:14:49,055
I'll be better when you walk away.
414
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,162
If only we could all just walk away.
415
00:14:51,924 --> 00:14:54,165
And now to you, Madam Vice President.
416
00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:56,365
Your personal trainer caused some
417
00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,567
controversy recently and had to be dismissed.
418
00:14:58,664 --> 00:15:00,610
What do you say to the accusation
419
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:02,679
that you care too much about image
420
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:04,874
and aren't making
a real difference to America?
421
00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:08,180
Before I answer it,
I'd like to start off by saying
422
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,915
I would like to be the first to thank
423
00:15:11,444 --> 00:15:15,256
the kind folks here
at the University of New Hampshire.
424
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:18,090
The faculty, the staff,
the students, of course...
425
00:15:18,184 --> 00:15:19,788
- OWEN: Absolutely.
- For... (STAMMERS)
426
00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:21,723
Um, excuse me, Congressman?
427
00:15:21,788 --> 00:15:24,064
Yes. Yes, ma'am, absolutely.
428
00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:26,933
Great. (CLEARING THROAT)
I do want to answer that question. Um...
429
00:15:27,026 --> 00:15:28,437
I've got to say, I like this new look.
430
00:15:28,528 --> 00:15:29,598
- You do?
- Mmm-hmm.
431
00:15:29,695 --> 00:15:30,639
- Yeah.
- Nice.
432
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,539
I mean, it's better than that London outfit.
433
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:33,940
That hat was crazy.
434
00:15:34,066 --> 00:15:35,374
I did not have anything to do with that.
435
00:15:35,435 --> 00:15:37,278
- Ray chose that hat.
- Ray the trainer?
436
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,077
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES RUEFULLY)
- Ray has a say?
437
00:15:39,138 --> 00:15:41,709
She does not say nay to Ray. You know
what I'm sayin? (LAUGHING)
438
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:45,885
What kind of stuff?
439
00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:49,124
I did have a fitness trainer.
440
00:15:49,215 --> 00:15:52,219
However, this gentleman
did not make any decisions
441
00:15:52,318 --> 00:15:55,060
in my office under any circumstances.
442
00:15:55,121 --> 00:15:57,795
I choose my own outfits, I stay in shape,
443
00:15:57,890 --> 00:16:00,131
I make the decisions in my office,
444
00:16:00,226 --> 00:16:02,934
and I am the best multi-tasker on my team.
445
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,601
She just said the opposite of what you said.
446
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:07,975
(SCOFFING) No...
447
00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:09,307
Yes.
448
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:10,743
You can't use that. Please don't use that.
449
00:16:10,803 --> 00:16:13,943
You just gave me a good scoop on Ray.
450
00:16:14,006 --> 00:16:15,144
I'm not gonna ignore that.
451
00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:18,180
Okay. (CLEARING THROAT) Excuse me.
452
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:22,654
Hello, Mike.
453
00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:24,591
I just told Wendy that Ray picked the hat,
454
00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:26,627
but then Selina said that he didn't,
455
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,757
so now Wendy knows that Selina's lying.
456
00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:30,698
I'm sorry, Gary. You lost me at "Hello."
457
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:31,825
How are we doing?
458
00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:35,497
Well, Thornhill is still,
to use a baseball analogy, "winning."
459
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:39,008
Dan, get on the phone.
Find me Thornhill's snatch, now.
460
00:16:39,098 --> 00:16:42,443
Call every whore and mistress in America
until you find the right one.
461
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:46,709
You do remember that
he had a breakdown recently?
462
00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:49,150
Oh, Jesus, Kent. It was, like, three weeks ago.
463
00:16:49,208 --> 00:16:51,119
Besides, Selina is waiting for the signal.
464
00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:53,123
- We need to out this affair.
- Yeah, we do.
465
00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:54,852
We need to find the "smoking hon."
466
00:16:54,947 --> 00:16:56,358
As in "honey." That doesn't work.
467
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:57,951
That's not clear.
I've got a bad stomach cramp.
468
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,621
I think I might be
coming down with a bug or something.
469
00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:02,332
MODERATOR: Congressman Pierce,
you've served
470
00:17:02,455 --> 00:17:04,366
in Congress for four years now.
471
00:17:04,457 --> 00:17:06,733
How does that affect your vision for America?
472
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:11,368
The America that I see now is a mess.
473
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,968
Our economy is going down the drain.
474
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:18,914
If our government is going
to take everything from us,
475
00:17:19,005 --> 00:17:20,416
bar the kitchen sink,
476
00:17:20,506 --> 00:17:22,008
they might want to take
477
00:17:23,242 --> 00:17:24,983
the plug as well.
478
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,523
(WEAK CHUCKLING)
479
00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:27,920
Why a plug?
480
00:17:28,314 --> 00:17:31,056
To plug up the plug hole.
481
00:17:32,251 --> 00:17:33,229
It was a joke.
482
00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:34,354
He's making a joke.
483
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,227
Guess I'm the only one with a sense of humor.
484
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:37,494
(LAUGHING)
485
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:41,161
We should put this guy in Vegas.
I mean, anywhere but here.
486
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:43,104
If newspapers still had cartoonists,
487
00:17:43,195 --> 00:17:45,869
they could do
something really clever with that plug.
488
00:17:45,932 --> 00:17:48,674
Hey, Jackson,
are you working for him and not telling us?
489
00:17:48,734 --> 00:17:51,340
Everybody here doesn't hate me, right?
490
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:54,741
Baby, we have a little situation here.
491
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,081
Okay, just what exactly did Gary say, okay?
492
00:17:57,176 --> 00:17:59,281
You didn't say anything
about FLOTUS, did you?
493
00:17:59,378 --> 00:18:00,857
No, but you just did.
494
00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,426
FLOTUS? What about FLOTUS?
495
00:18:02,515 --> 00:18:03,858
I didn't say anything about FLOTUS.
496
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:05,258
She's a reporter.
497
00:18:05,351 --> 00:18:06,728
Shut up!
498
00:18:06,852 --> 00:18:08,229
Hey, what's going on with FLOTUS?
499
00:18:08,454 --> 00:18:09,933
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
500
00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:11,365
I have to write about something, so...
501
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,867
Okay, babe, look.
502
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,064
I'm gonna give you the Joe Thornhill affair.
503
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:16,435
Thornhill had an affair?
504
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:17,802
What the hell is wrong with you?
505
00:18:17,897 --> 00:18:19,774
That's okay.
That's good with me. I'll take that.
506
00:18:19,865 --> 00:18:20,969
Good boy.
507
00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,238
Good boy, good boy, good boy.
508
00:18:22,568 --> 00:18:23,569
MODERATOR: Governor Chung,
509
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,582
we live in a time when young people
510
00:18:25,638 --> 00:18:27,709
find it increasingly hard to find work.
511
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,214
How would you address this issue?
512
00:18:29,275 --> 00:18:31,448
10 bucks he says, "Bring back the draft."
513
00:18:31,544 --> 00:18:33,546
You know, I'm not trying to say that, uh,
514
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,991
you should, uh,
join up and serve your country,
515
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:38,289
but there are other options for, uh...
516
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:40,762
I'd love to field this one, Governor Chung,
if you don't mind.
517
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,460
I'm sorry, the question was directed to me.
518
00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:46,469
But this is a question
that is very near to my heart.
519
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:48,129
SELINA: Are we all allowed
to speak at once now?
520
00:18:48,227 --> 00:18:49,763
- Is that how it's gonna work?
- Well...
521
00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:51,831
You know what?
I would like to hear what the coach has to say.
522
00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:53,001
That's manager.
523
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,167
Manager. It's fine.
524
00:18:54,266 --> 00:18:57,975
You know, as someone
who's spent my entire professional career
525
00:18:58,070 --> 00:19:00,141
working with young athletes
526
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:02,185
helping them to achieve their potential
527
00:19:02,308 --> 00:19:04,288
and, indeed, become role models,
528
00:19:04,343 --> 00:19:07,324
young adult unemployment
has always been a priority for me.
529
00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:09,950
He's blocking Selina.
That guy's smarter than he looks.
530
00:19:10,016 --> 00:19:11,495
Mind you, he'd have to be.
531
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:15,191
Seems to me the Vice President
has taken her eye off the ball.
532
00:19:15,287 --> 00:19:18,791
She's become distracted by
the trappings of her office.
533
00:19:18,858 --> 00:19:22,203
I think it's time we stopped
worrying about people up on the Hill.
534
00:19:22,294 --> 00:19:24,831
Yeah, according to the dials,
Thornhill's still out front.
535
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:28,776
Okay, we really, really
need that woman who fucked him lo fuck him.
536
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:29,835
We need Joe's ho.
537
00:19:29,935 --> 00:19:31,972
I'm just waiting
for one more source to corroborate the story.
538
00:19:32,038 --> 00:19:33,346
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
539
00:19:33,973 --> 00:19:35,043
He fucked her.
540
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,175
(CHEERING QUIETLY)
541
00:19:36,275 --> 00:19:38,619
This feels better
than actually having sex yourself.
542
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,189
Now, as a military man,
543
00:19:40,279 --> 00:19:43,351
I know that true leadership takes,
uh, strategy,
544
00:19:43,449 --> 00:19:45,451
it takes planning, it takes a vision.
545
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:50,334
Now, today, we're not here to talk about,
uh, personal trainers
546
00:19:50,389 --> 00:19:53,700
or baseball or, uh, pings.
547
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:56,205
Um, I certainly hope that the governor
548
00:19:56,328 --> 00:19:58,706
is not suggesting that I haven't been tested.
549
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:04,043
I've served my entire life
under the scrutiny of the public eye,
550
00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,845
and I have no skeletons whatsoever
in my closet.
551
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:11,150
The question is,
can we all say the same here?
552
00:20:11,577 --> 00:20:13,079
I need this story coming out of every TV,
553
00:20:13,212 --> 00:20:14,714
phone, laptop, and hairdresser in America.
554
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:15,815
Dan, you get the press ready.
555
00:20:15,981 --> 00:20:16,982
Yeah.
556
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:20,421
Well, I'm glad you raised that issue,
Madam Vice President.
557
00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:23,155
I've got something very important I would like
558
00:20:23,322 --> 00:20:25,324
to share with the American people.
559
00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:28,099
I just wanna be honest.
560
00:20:28,594 --> 00:20:31,575
Many years ago, I had a brief affair.
561
00:20:32,264 --> 00:20:33,675
I deeply regret it.
562
00:20:33,899 --> 00:20:35,879
- He's confessing?
- Now, I'm not ashamed to...
563
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:37,073
Crap.
564
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:40,582
If there's any dirty trick that I cannot stand,
it is honesty.
565
00:20:40,673 --> 00:20:43,085
...and support of my amazing wife, Chrissy.
566
00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:46,247
We got out the other side stronger than ever.
567
00:20:46,612 --> 00:20:49,092
Strong enough for me
to tell you this, America.
568
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:53,186
If you can forgive me,
then you can vote for me.
569
00:20:53,385 --> 00:20:54,625
Oh, my amazing wife Chrissy,
ladies and gentlemen.
570
00:20:54,720 --> 00:20:55,721
571
00:20:55,855 --> 00:20:58,563
There she is, my darlin'. There she is.
572
00:21:00,359 --> 00:21:03,806
I hate confessions,
unless they've been beaten out of someone.
573
00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:06,035
Thornhill just ran the Thornhill story,
574
00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,203
which makes my Thornhill story useless.
575
00:21:08,534 --> 00:21:10,377
So now you have to tell me about FLOTUS.
576
00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:12,916
I can't tell you about FLOTUS.
FLOTUS is a no-go-tus.
577
00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,383
Then I can run the story on Ray.
578
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:16,283
I can't let you run the story about Ray.
579
00:21:16,375 --> 00:21:18,651
But I love you.
Does that make everything better?
580
00:21:19,044 --> 00:21:21,422
This is what our marriage is gonna be? This?
581
00:21:21,480 --> 00:21:24,984
It doesn't have to be.
Wait, what are we talking about?
582
00:21:25,084 --> 00:21:27,758
There's always gonna be a conflict of interest.
583
00:21:27,820 --> 00:21:30,300
But that's what marriage is,
a conflict of interests.
584
00:21:30,389 --> 00:21:32,960
No. Marriage is
being able to tell each other everything.
585
00:21:33,058 --> 00:21:34,833
- And finding...
- Are you guys fighting? Please don't fight.
586
00:21:34,927 --> 00:21:36,065
Gary, get the hell out of my marriage.
587
00:21:36,228 --> 00:21:37,298
Okay, got it.
588
00:21:37,396 --> 00:21:39,273
Mike, I'm really nervous
about all these haircut questions.
589
00:21:39,331 --> 00:21:41,004
- Nobody cares.
- Yeah, okay.
590
00:21:41,901 --> 00:21:44,177
We have 11 million illegal immigrants
591
00:21:44,303 --> 00:21:46,579
currently living in the US today.
592
00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:49,147
What do we do about them?
Madam Vice President?
593
00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:52,318
I have a very clear strategy
594
00:21:52,411 --> 00:21:55,255
that I would like to share
with everybody today. Um...
595
00:21:56,482 --> 00:21:59,429
I call it my "Three R's."
596
00:21:59,585 --> 00:22:01,030
It's time for the Three R's.
597
00:22:01,420 --> 00:22:03,161
They're solid as a rock, rock, rock.
598
00:22:03,255 --> 00:22:06,327
Number one, we need to reform.
599
00:22:06,425 --> 00:22:10,168
But we can't do it without bipartisan support.
600
00:22:10,262 --> 00:22:13,675
And that is something that I am confident,
with my experience,
601
00:22:13,766 --> 00:22:15,507
I can absolutely secure.
602
00:22:16,802 --> 00:22:20,773
Number two, we need to reaffirm.
603
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,014
We need to reaffirm our commitment
604
00:22:24,109 --> 00:22:27,818
to highly-smiled, legal immigrant workers.
605
00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:30,718
Number three the, the, uh...
606
00:22:31,150 --> 00:22:32,561
The third R.
607
00:22:33,519 --> 00:22:35,328
Um... Uh...
608
00:22:36,488 --> 00:22:38,525
Renew, renew. The third R is renew.
609
00:22:38,624 --> 00:22:40,228
She forgot the third R.
610
00:22:40,326 --> 00:22:41,566
The third R is...
611
00:22:41,660 --> 00:22:43,799
Actually, in fact, let me go back
612
00:22:43,896 --> 00:22:45,967
to "Reaffirm," which was number two.
613
00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:47,704
Do we have any snipers?
Can we take her out?
614
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:49,575
You got a gun? I'll do it.
615
00:22:49,668 --> 00:22:52,706
“Immigrants whose descendants,
of course, run companies.
616
00:22:52,805 --> 00:22:56,719
Successful companies
like Clovis in Silicon Valley,
617
00:22:56,809 --> 00:22:58,652
where I had the good fortune to visit earlier...
618
00:22:58,711 --> 00:22:59,985
- Madam Vice President?
- Yes?
619
00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:01,718
- Your time is nearly up.
- Oh, dear.
620
00:23:01,814 --> 00:23:03,657
You mentioned a third R?
621
00:23:03,716 --> 00:23:05,354
Thank you so much, Andrea.
622
00:23:05,417 --> 00:23:08,023
And I'm absolutely, uh, gonna get to that.
623
00:23:08,087 --> 00:23:09,327
Jesus, that is a wicked twitch.
624
00:23:09,488 --> 00:23:10,660
I can! watch this.
625
00:23:10,756 --> 00:23:13,032
Yeah, neither can she,
'cause her fuckin' eyes don't work.
626
00:23:13,092 --> 00:23:14,332
It is...
627
00:23:14,927 --> 00:23:16,531
Uh... Repel.
628
00:23:17,496 --> 00:23:18,497
That's right.
629
00:23:18,597 --> 00:23:19,575
"Repel"? Why did she say "repel"?
630
00:23:19,665 --> 00:23:21,201
What is it, "Talk Like A Pirate Day?
631
00:23:21,267 --> 00:23:25,909
I mean we need to repel
unwanted immigration.
632
00:23:26,005 --> 00:23:29,714
We need to repel criminals,
we need to repel obesity,
633
00:23:29,775 --> 00:23:32,085
we need to repel torturers.
634
00:23:32,177 --> 00:23:33,417
I think I've endorsed a Nazi.
635
00:23:33,512 --> 00:23:34,923
That would explain the Hitler haircut.
636
00:23:35,014 --> 00:23:39,622
We need to repel the enemies of America.
637
00:23:39,852 --> 00:23:41,092
638
00:23:41,186 --> 00:23:42,392
Thank you.
639
00:23:45,124 --> 00:23:46,694
Maybe I should have gone with two R's.
640
00:23:46,759 --> 00:23:48,397
Hey, I got three F's for ya.
641
00:23:48,527 --> 00:23:50,939
You're fucked, you fuckin' fucker.
642
00:23:51,030 --> 00:23:53,601
Holy crapcakes! They're loving her.
643
00:23:53,699 --> 00:23:54,871
I know.
644
00:23:54,934 --> 00:23:58,575
It seems every time she says "repel,"
she attracts more voters.
645
00:23:58,637 --> 00:24:01,083
We have a question now
from a member of our audience.
646
00:24:01,140 --> 00:24:02,778
Angela Rodriguez.
647
00:24:02,875 --> 00:24:06,652
ANGELA: My mom lost her house
because the banks refused to lower the rates.
648
00:24:06,745 --> 00:24:08,554
My dad passed away and she had to pay
649
00:24:08,647 --> 00:24:10,422
for the mortgage out of her savings.
650
00:24:10,482 --> 00:24:11,620
MIKE: What's he doing?
651
00:24:11,750 --> 00:24:12,888
ANGELA: Now, my mother lost her house.
652
00:24:12,952 --> 00:24:16,229
JONAH: No, don't look at the twitch.
Focus on the "dead dad lady."
653
00:24:17,389 --> 00:24:18,595
Secretary Maddox?
654
00:24:19,091 --> 00:24:20,263
Huh?
655
00:24:20,326 --> 00:24:23,330
Oh, uh... Yeah. I'm very sorry to hear
656
00:24:23,462 --> 00:24:26,466
about what happened to your mom, and, uh...
657
00:24:27,466 --> 00:24:31,915
I don't think we should be
penalizing any hardworking Americans.
658
00:24:33,505 --> 00:24:35,007
But here's the thing, Andrea.
659
00:24:35,107 --> 00:24:36,745
- Angela.
- It is... Huh?
660
00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:38,413
Angela. My name is Angela.
661
00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:40,150
Angela. Right, right, right.
662
00:24:40,746 --> 00:24:42,453
There are some loopholes.
663
00:24:42,648 --> 00:24:48,257
What we need to do
is to find those loopholes and find out...
664
00:24:49,421 --> 00:24:53,995
Whether are they loopholes
or are they legitimate holes?
665
00:24:54,626 --> 00:24:55,969
What the hell is a legitimate hole?
666
00:24:56,095 --> 00:24:57,438
(LAUGHING)
667
00:24:57,496 --> 00:24:59,339
Well, don't get me started.
668
00:24:59,431 --> 00:25:01,274
Um, I mean... That's the question
669
00:25:01,367 --> 00:25:03,176
that we should be asking ourselves.
670
00:25:03,268 --> 00:25:04,440
If I may?
671
00:25:04,536 --> 00:25:05,674
MODERATOR: Please be brief, Congressman.
672
00:25:05,771 --> 00:25:07,773
With absolute... With regard to holes,
673
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:10,616
and notwithstanding
the humor that was poked at me earlier,
674
00:25:10,676 --> 00:25:12,019
and I'm certainly a fan of humor.
675
00:25:12,111 --> 00:25:15,285
Um, can't get by without it,
but I think the point about holes
676
00:25:15,347 --> 00:25:17,293
is well taken and sort of circles back
677
00:25:17,383 --> 00:25:19,329
to my point about plug holes earlier.
678
00:25:19,385 --> 00:25:21,023
(STAMMERING) Well, not quite.
679
00:25:21,120 --> 00:25:24,795
But it...
We wanna find those holes or the loopholes.
680
00:25:24,957 --> 00:25:26,129
Just stop saying "hole."
681
00:25:26,291 --> 00:25:27,497
(LAUGHING)
682
00:25:27,559 --> 00:25:29,129
It's not that bad. It's not that bad.
683
00:25:29,294 --> 00:25:30,864
No, as a "hole," it's not that bad.
684
00:25:30,963 --> 00:25:33,204
But we wanna stay above the hole.
685
00:25:33,298 --> 00:25:35,005
We don't wanna go down the hole.
686
00:25:35,067 --> 00:25:37,343
He's gonna disappear up his own "hole" hole.
687
00:25:37,403 --> 00:25:41,180
If I get your vote,
you won't go down that hole.
688
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:44,346
I wanna bring everybody above the hole.
689
00:25:44,410 --> 00:25:47,823
We all want to live above the hole.
690
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,553
That sounds like a slogan, folks.
691
00:25:49,648 --> 00:25:51,150
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
692
00:25:51,717 --> 00:25:53,663
And once again, we'd like to express
693
00:25:53,819 --> 00:25:55,730
our appreciation to each of the candidates.
694
00:25:55,821 --> 00:25:57,664
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
695
00:25:59,925 --> 00:26:02,496
Oh, well. You didn't get much
of a chance to speak, did you?
696
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,336
- Oh, well. (CHUCKLING)
- Remember that third R.
697
00:26:05,097 --> 00:26:08,544
Thornhill, 30%. Selina, second, 25.
698
00:26:08,667 --> 00:26:12,012
Chung, 22, Pierce, 9, Maddox, 8.
699
00:26:12,938 --> 00:26:15,714
Maddox dialed "M" for "Murdered Himself."
700
00:26:17,176 --> 00:26:20,020
ROGER: God, look at Pierce.
He looks like he just got out of sex prison.
701
00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:21,456
He's not gonna cry, is he?
702
00:26:22,714 --> 00:26:25,285
Now Maddox's daughter
is gonna give him the bad news.
703
00:26:25,384 --> 00:26:26,795
"Daddy, you fuckin' blew it!"
704
00:26:26,885 --> 00:26:28,626
"Daddy, I've never been less proud of you."
705
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:29,721
(CHUCKLING)
706
00:26:30,089 --> 00:26:32,467
Well, thank God for Twitchy.
He really saved us.
707
00:26:32,558 --> 00:26:33,730
I love that little guy.
708
00:26:33,792 --> 00:26:36,534
Now he's got to convince
everyone the Three R's don't stand for
709
00:26:36,595 --> 00:26:38,472
"racist," "right wing," and "racist."
710
00:26:38,764 --> 00:26:42,109
Oh, shit! I'm gonna get
so many questions about this hair.
711
00:26:42,201 --> 00:26:43,236
I can give you a ton of lines for this.
712
00:26:43,368 --> 00:26:44,438
Yeah, okay.
713
00:26:44,536 --> 00:26:46,379
It's not reassuring. (CHUCKLING)
714
00:26:46,872 --> 00:26:48,715
JONAH: Hey, Dan. Dan.
715
00:26:49,408 --> 00:26:52,150
I just want to say
I'm sorry if I wasn't very sympathetic
716
00:26:52,244 --> 00:26:55,953
to your, you know, mental head issues.
So... I'm sorry.
717
00:26:56,048 --> 00:26:57,459
Friends?
718
00:26:59,384 --> 00:27:01,796
Go fuck yourself,
Jack and the Giant Freakstalk.
719
00:27:01,887 --> 00:27:03,889
Your team lost, and you should be fitted
720
00:27:04,056 --> 00:27:06,058
with a leper bell, you sinking shit.
721
00:27:09,728 --> 00:27:11,469
Yeah, okay.
722
00:27:11,563 --> 00:27:13,304
Boy, I do not know what I saw in you.
723
00:27:13,398 --> 00:27:16,811
I do. He's a less talented ugly version of me.
724
00:27:16,902 --> 00:27:18,313
He's basically a human comfort blanket.
725
00:27:20,272 --> 00:27:23,583
Remember when I came up with
"Short hair for the long haul"?
726
00:27:23,642 --> 00:27:25,087
When? What? No.
727
00:27:25,744 --> 00:27:27,519
Cheer up. Coming second is good.
728
00:27:27,613 --> 00:27:29,490
ROGER: It's especially true
with opening debates.
729
00:27:29,581 --> 00:27:30,651
Also with fucking.
730
00:27:30,782 --> 00:27:31,852
It's not enough. We have to win.
731
00:27:31,950 --> 00:27:34,191
And if you can't stand the heat,
buy asbestos panties.
732
00:27:34,286 --> 00:27:36,459
See, now that's the kind of talk
that gets me turned on.
733
00:27:36,522 --> 00:27:38,331
We're gonna have
another twitch to deal with here.
734
00:27:38,423 --> 00:27:41,029
I wouldn't say "repel" is a strong word.
735
00:27:41,126 --> 00:27:45,973
It can mean also,
"To push away gently with respect."
736
00:27:46,498 --> 00:27:48,842
I was pretty disappointed
in Governor Chung's performance,
737
00:27:48,934 --> 00:27:51,778
but I did learn that he used to be a soldier.
738
00:27:51,837 --> 00:27:53,373
Learned that several times.
739
00:27:53,472 --> 00:27:56,316
Mike, I haven't gotten any questions
about her hair.
740
00:27:56,375 --> 00:27:57,979
Thank fuckin' God.
741
00:28:00,012 --> 00:28:01,218
Well, the...
742
00:28:01,980 --> 00:28:03,687
The hole is the hole.
743
00:28:03,782 --> 00:28:06,820
And the hole is the hole that people fall into.
744
00:28:06,885 --> 00:28:09,491
And if they fall below the line,
they will fall into the hole.
745
00:28:09,555 --> 00:28:12,900
And we want to keep them
from falling below the line
746
00:28:12,991 --> 00:28:14,698
and then into the hole or off the map.
747
00:28:14,793 --> 00:28:17,399
Because if they're in the hole,
how are you gonna get out?
748
00:28:21,800 --> 00:28:31,800
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