Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Here
comes
the
part
where
people
get
triggered
since
we
all
saw
this
one
coming.
11.
John
Gonzalez
(3-‐10)
I
don’t
care,
I’ll
say
it.
Gonz’s
team
fucking
sucks.
With
the
exception
of
Fournette,
almost
every
single
pick
was
a
guy
I
thought
was
obviously
over
rated.
Like
I
get
it,
none
were
ridiculous
reaches
or
anything
crazy,
so
I’m
not
going
to
act
like
I
think
Gonz
is
stupid.
If
it’s
any
consolation,
I’m
pretty
sure
I
put
Nuf
here
last
year,
so
start
thinking
of
ways
to
insult
me
now
when
you
win.
Again,
I
have
no
idea
why
anyone
values
my
opinion.
Oh,
and
once
again,
his
team
name
fucking
sucks.
This
is
actually
getting
impressive.
Forgive
and
Fournette?
Is
there
an
ounce
of
creativity
in
your
bones?
Here’s
a
name
for
you:
Follow
Me
On
INstaGRAM.
Congrats,
you
actually
have
a
decent
name
now.
This
is
what
I
imagine
Fire
Island
looks
like
after
I
saw
Gonz’s
team.
10.
Sal
Carrubba
(4-‐9)
Yeah
sorry
commish,
but
your
team
is
Carrubbuh-‐buh-‐buh-‐buh-‐beat.
I’m
only
putting
you
above
Gonz
because
I
respect
you
taking
a
kicker
in
the
5th.
To
eliminate
yourself
so
early
in
the
year
is
something
I
can’t
hate
an
owner
for
doing.
Sal
currently
has
4
players
on
his
roster
owned
in
less
than
7%
of
ESPN
leagues.
Do
you
realize
how
many
fucking
ESPN
leagues
there
are?
Literally
25%
of
your
roster
is
universally
considered
to
be
bonafide
trash.
But
hey,
at
least
he
fixed
the
waivers.
Throwing
away
your
5th
round
pick
is
real
funny
Sal.
I’m
sure
this
is
your
kind
of
comedian
too.
9.
Scott
Truesdale
(5-‐8)
Look,
this
is
actually
where
I
needed
to
start
thinking
about
who
I
wanted
to
rank
where
so
I
put
Scott
at
9
because
I
just
assume
he’s
going
to
blow
it.
I
think
his
team
is
fine,
and
until
he
needs
to
actually
touch
his
lineup
I
assume
it
won’t
even
be
that
bad.
I
don’t
really
know
why
he
drafted
the
Jets
backup
running
back
who
has
a
broken
foot
and
is
on
IR
but
I’m
sure
his
Jericho
Cotchery
connect
told
him
that
was
a
great
idea
too.
8.
Michael
Nufrio
(6-‐7)
Despite
this
curly
headed
fuck
breaking
my
shore
house
door
and
ditching
Chris
and
I
for
Francesa
at
Bar
A
I
will
show
enough
maturity
and
composure
to
attempt
to
fairly
assess
this
fucking
guy’s
roster.
Yeah
yeah,
he
took
John
Brown
early;
I
actually
don’t
hate
the
player
at
all
this
year,
just
think
Nuf
could’ve
waited
about
an
hour
to
take
him.
Wait,
no
he
couldn’t,
because
people
picked
so
slow
this
year
that
it
wouldn’t
have
even
been
the
next
round
yet.
I
also
can’t
really
believe
Nuf
basically
went
against
his
boy
Kenny
Golladay
by
taking
Marvin
Jones
on
his
team.
Stafford
in
the
14th
is
pretty
criminal
though.
Don’t
get
me
wrong,
I’d
love
nothing
more
than
to
upper
cut
this
kid
so
hard
that
the
last
thing
he’ll
be
worrying
about
is
when
he
can
find
time
in
his
hectic
schedule
to
shave,
but
I
think
his
team
will
be
in
the
mix,
and
ultimately
falter.
I
know
it’s
a
lazy
picture,
but
this
kid
literally
doesn’t
deserve
my
time.
A
FUCKING
PTO
DAY
MAN.
I’m
going
to
preface
these
next
rankings
by
saying
it
got
even
harder
from
here
7.
Ryan
Bowens
(6-‐7)
Immediately
after
typing
this
in
I
wished
I
put
you
at
8
instead,
but
then
I
remembered
I’d
rather
get
kicked
in
the
groin
every
15
minutes
for
a
week
than
give
Nuf
the
pleasure
of
thinking
I
have
him
missing
the
playoffs
by
one
spot
so
you
can
stay
here.
I
think
Derrick
Henry
is
the
biggest
trap
in
fantasy
this
year,
and
Robert
Woods
would
be
the
worst
5th
round
pick
in
any
league
without
an
absolute
idiot,
but
I
like
Kamara
and
Adams
enough
to
not
redo
my
earlier
rankings
to
put
you
lower.
You’ll
also
probably
rip
Sal
off
again
like
you
seem
to
do
every
year
so
you
probably
have
more
room
to
grow
than
I
am
giving
you
credit
for.
Look
I
get
it’s
another
lazy
picture
because
it’s
the
same
thing
as
last
year
but
I
actually
got
off
a
little
on
this.
If
Wentz
returns
to
form,
I
get
to
remind
Bowens
every
week
that
he
passed
on
his
franchise
QB
in
the
THIRTEENTH
round
for
Tyler
Eifert.
If
he
doesn’t
return
to
form,
we
can
talk
about
how
his
season
last
year
was
a
fluke.
It’s
a
win-‐win
scenario
for
me.
6.
Jeremy
Knap
(7-‐6)
I
feel
guilty
putting
this
current
team
in
the
playoffs.
It
isn’t
a
playoff
team.
No
one
I
listed
before
belongs
within
100
yards
of
the
playoffs.
If
I
found
out
I
was
playing
anyone
listed
above
in
the
playoffs
I’d
go
to
church
that
Sunday
to
show
my
appreciation
for
the
miracle
bestowed
before
me.
David
Njoku,
congrats
you
saw
Hard
Knocks!
Congrats
on
also
being
one
of
plenty
of
people
to
take
him
stupidly
high
because
he
was
on
a
TV
show.
I’m
a
sucker
for
the
Colts
stack
though.
That’s
basically
how
you
got
in
the
playoffs
this
year.
That
and
a
noticeable
decrease
in
group
chat
message
texts
about
robots.
That’s
worth
a
wild
card
spot
in
it
of
itself.
5.
Kevin
Beam
(8-‐5)
I
realize
I
was
beating
the
Mahomes
drum
pretty
loud
in
his
draft
year,
but
I
think
starting
him
in
fantasy
this
early,
especially
as
you’re
only
QB,
is
pretty
stupid.
That
WR
situation
you
have
going
is
pretty
god
damn
sketchy
too,
you
basically
are
banking
on
three
speed
demons
that’ll
probably
struggle
with
consistency
between
Hill,
Goodwin,
and
Fuller.
This,
of
course,
is
the
same
guy
who
says
a
3WR
league
would
be
too
easy.
Sure
doesn’t
look
that
way
based
on
your
roster
pal.
Guy
is
also
a
fraud
for
taking
Melvin
Gordon
over
Saquon.
This
is
another
thing
I
plan
on
getting
off
on.
This
is
where
I
had
to
get
down
and
dirty
with
the
rankings
4.
Chris
Loscalzo
(9-‐4)
I
realize
it’s
pretty
absurd
to
think
that
Chris
will
have
the
dedication
to
capitalize
on
this
power
ranking,
but
Gurley,
Rodgers,
and
McCoy
paired
with
both
Minnesota
receivers
and
Engram
is
a
pretty
sick
core.
Not
to
mention
Kenny
Stills
is
one
of
my
biggest
sleepers
this
year,
but
like
I’ve
said
before,
my
opinion
should
mean
dick
to
you
all.
I
really
can’t
say
I
dislike
anything
about
this
team
other
than
throwing
a
pick
away
on
Wayne
Gallman.
Chris
gets
the
4
spot
here
because
I
simply
have
to
assume
he’ll
fuck
it
up.
I’m
going
with
track
record
here.
History
says
this
team
is
doomed
and
won’t
finish
over
.500.
I
feel
like
because
of
when
this
movie
came
out
Nuf
is
the
only
person
who
will
get
this
reference.
(Hint:
it
involves
Apes)
3.
Patrick
Khara-‐I’m
wasting
my
time
trying
to
spell
this
and
too
tired
to
go
back
and
fix
it
(10-‐3)
So
while
I
won’t
spoil
who
is
2
on
the
power
ranking
because
I
want
it
to
still
be
a
surprise
for
some
of
you
slower
ones
in
this
league,
I’ll
tell
you
what
the
difference
was
for
me
between
3
and
2.
I
think
both
have
pretty
complete
rosters
with
solid
benches.
However,
the
tight
end
makes
the
difference
for
me.
We
get
it
Pat;
you
listen
to
the
Fantasy
Footballers.
But
I
think
the
Matt
Nagy/Mitch
Trubisky
sophomore
leap
narrative
is
blown
completely
out
of
proportion,
which
is
why
I
struggle
to
believe
most
Bears
offensive
weapons
are
going
to
take
the
leap
into
consistent
or
even
relevant
performances.
I’m
a
pretty
big
sucker
for
those
first
5
picks
though,
so
I
think
TE
performance
will
be
almost
irrelevant
all
things
considered.
Yeah
yeah
it’s
recycled
with
some
changes
from
a
previous
picture
I
made
of
Pat,
it
wasn’t
used
on
the
Smack
Talk
though
so
it
doesn’t
count.
I
also
made
it
kind
of
PC
for
the
children.
2.
Tony
Roveto
(11-‐2)
Yeah
I
don’t
want
to
say
it
but
his
team
is
kinda
sick.
We
can
all
agree
Peyton
Barber
is
a
pretty
ass
flex,
and
a
hypocritical
one
at
that;
but
Brady,
Johnson,
Howard,
Thomas,
Baldwin,
Kelce,
and
Rams
Defense
is
a
really
stacked
lineup.
I
personally
think
Edelman
is
a
waste
of
a
pick,
and
we
all
already
know
Devante
Parker
and
Frank
Gore
as
well.
Tony’s
demise
will
likely
come
from
a
horrible
ability
to
budget
FAAB,
as
he
already
spent
5%
of
his
budget
on
the
Jaguars
3rd
string
wide
receiver.
Nuf
hasn’t
said
Bionic
Blake
in
years;
there
is
no
reason
to
get
excited
about
their
passing
game.
That
or
he’ll
probably
overpay
Scott
for
Zeke,
to
prove
a
point
or
something
about
being
a
Cowboys
fan.
We
get
it,
you
like
them,
please
stop
throwing
a
temper
tantrum
whenever
they
lose.
Fucking
calm
down,
Tony.
It’s
football.
It’s
football.
1. Steven
D’Amelio
(13-‐0)
Saquon,
AJ
Green,
Cooper,
Josh
Gordon,
MariGOATa,
and
you
people
think
I
might
lose?
See
you
in
the
finals
Tony.
Feel
free
to
make
a
smack
talk
not
putting
me
in
first.