Professional Documents
Culture Documents
Building a
Parenting Agreement
That Works
How to Put Your Kids First
When Your Marriage Doesn’t Last
By Mimi E. Lyster
Sixth Edition september 2007
Lyster, Mimi E.
Building a parenting agreement that works: how to put your kids first when your
marriage doesn’t last / by Mimi E. Lyster -- 6th ed.
p. cm.
Includes index.
ISBN-13: 978-1-4133-0722-1 (pbk.)
ISBN-10: 1-4133-0722-1
1. Custody of children--United States--Popular works. 2. Divorce settlements--United States--Popular
works--Popular works. I. Title.
KF547.Z9L97 2007
346.7301'73--dc22
2007013006
Copyright © 1995, 1996, 1999, 2003, 2005, and 2007 by VDR Associates, Inc.
Quantity sales: For information on bulk purchases or corporate premium sales, please contact the Special Sales
Department. For academic sales or textbook adoptions, ask for Academic Sales. Call 800-955-4775 or write to
Nolo, 950 Parker Street, Berkeley, CA 94710.
Dedication
To the children who liven up my life and fill our home with joy, Katelyn, Ben, Alysha, and
Nichelle. And to my husband, Steve, whose love and support has carried me so far.
Acknowledgments
I continue to owe thanks to:
• Kevin Elkus, John Helie, and Steve Elias for helping me cling to the notion that our
virtual team will yet pull a rabbit from some hat
• the editing department at Nolo for helping to bring this edition into being, and
• my mediation mentors, peers, and clients for helping me to learn with increasing clar-
ity the power of facilitated dialogue decision making.
I would also like to thank those that I have come to know and work with in California’s
court system for their significant contributions to my understanding of this work and the
evolving context within which families are helped to find satisfying and child-focused solu-
tions to their parenting disputes.
Table of Contents
I Introduction
Make Your Own Custody Decisions If Possible...........................................................2
What If We Need Outside Help?.........................................................................................3
Balancing Parenting and Financial Issues.......................................................................3
Why This Book Is Unique........................................................................................................4
A Word to Skeptics.....................................................................................................................5
What If You Just Want to Fight?..........................................................................................6
3 Getting Organized
Organize and Review Documents................................................................................... 26
Completing the Worksheets.............................................................................................. 27
Sample Worksheets................................................................................................................. 29
4 How to Negotiate a Parenting Agreement
Knowing What You Need and Want............................................................................. 39
When Conflict Gets in the Way ...................................................................................... 40
Using Effective Negotiation and Problem-Solving Strategies........................... 46
Breaking Through Impasses................................................................................................ 51
Knowing Where to Get Help and Support................................................................. 55
6 Basic Elements
Issue 1: Where Our Children Will Live.......................................................................... 67
Issue 2: Medical, Dental, and Vision Care.................................................................... 75
Issue 3: Negative Comments or Remarks.................................................................... 77
Issue 4: Consistency in Raising Children...................................................................... 78
Issue 5: Holidays........................................................................................................................ 79
Issue 6: Education..................................................................................................................... 81
Issue 7: Insurance...................................................................................................................... 85
Issue 8: Making Decisions..................................................................................................... 87
Issue 9: Resolving Disputes.................................................................................................. 90
Issue 10: Labeling the Custody Arrangement........................................................... 94
7 Finishing Touches
Issue 11: Exchanging Information..................................................................................101
Issue 12: Child Care................................................................................................................103
Issue 13: Special Occasions and Family Events.......................................................106
Issue 14: Vacations.................................................................................................................107
Issue 15: Outside Activities...............................................................................................108
Issue 16: Transportation Between Parents’ Homes..............................................109
Issue 17: Improving Transition Times..........................................................................111
Issue 18: Maintaining Contact.........................................................................................113
Issue 19: Grandparents, Relatives, and Important Friends...............................116
Issue 20: Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care...........................................117
Issue 21: Religious Training................................................................................................118
Issue 22: Surname...................................................................................................................120
Issue 23: Treating Each Child as an Individual.........................................................121
Issue 24: Separating the Adult Relationship Issues
From the Parenting Issues.............................................................................................122
Issue 25: Making Routine Changes................................................................................124
Issue 26: Making Big Changes..........................................................................................126
Issue 27: Explaining the Agreement to Your Children........................................127
8 Serious Issues
Issue 28: Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, and Child Neglect......................130
Issue 29: Alcohol or Drug Abuse....................................................................................135
Issue 30: Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship.......................................137
Issue 31: Denying Access to the Children..................................................................138
Issue 32: If Extended Family Members or Close Friends
Are Fueling the Dispute..................................................................................................139
Index
I
introduction
Introduction
When parents take parenting issues to court expert to understand the issues, or figure out
rather than resolving them on their own, they how to resolve a difficult situation.
are shortchanging themselves. Once these Does involving an expert mean you can’t be in
issues go to court, parents are forced to rely the “driver’s seat”? No! Sometimes people think
on a judge or court-appointed evaluator to if they hire a lawyer, counselor, mediator, or
understand the family’s situation and make other expert they then have to follow whatever
good decisions—often after only meeting with suggestions are made. This isn’t true. Though it
the family for a few minutes or hours. It is very makes sense to consider what an expert says or
difficult for a judge to “get it right” under these recommends, you and the other parent can still
conditions. make the final decisions. Ultimately, only a judge
Each state has guidelines for its judges to follow can override your decisions. Judges, however,
when making custody decisions. Nonetheless, seldom want to take a parent’s decision-making
judges have considerable discretion to interpret authority away—as long as the decisions make
these guidelines and impose their own views sense. In this way, the court can be looked on
about what constitutes a good e nvironment for as a “last resort” to get something decided when
children. The chance that a judge’s d ecision will the parents can’t agree.
be ideal for your specific situation is relatively Negotiating parenting agreements can be
slim. difficult and complicated. Chapters 10 through
Most researchers—especially those who study 16 cover some of the most complex issues
the effects of divorce on children—believe in detail. If this is not enough, Chapter 17
passionately that using the court to resolve provides a list of books, professionals, and other
custody issues is a mistake in all but a few cases. information sources.
It is far better for parents to negotiate their
own parenting agreement, with the help of caution
outside experts such as mediators, counselors, Some of your decisions may have legal
and lawyers, on an as-needed basis. Court consequences. You should consider having an
intervention is appropriate, however, if the attorney review your agreement to make sure it
children’s (or a parent’s) safety or well-being is complies with your state custody and visitation laws.
at risk and the parents cannot agree on a way to If you are getting a divorce or separation, you must
reduce that risk. also make sure your agreement complies with any
specific court filing or document requirements.
What If We Need
Outside Help? Balancing Parenting
Even though it’s usually best for a child’s parents and Financial Issues
to be the decision makers, when it comes to
developing a parenting plan, this isn’t always Separation and divorce often require parents
possible (or wise). Does this mean you’re a to deal with financial issues such as dividing
failure? No! These can be very emotional issues. property, paying marital debts, and providing
Sometimes it makes very good sense to get the for support. Although this book focuses only on
help of a counselor, mediator, lawyer, or other parenting issues, you may find that many of the
4 | building a parenting agreement that works
This Book Is for Nontraditional Many people who have been through divorce,
Families and Families With and the lawyers who represent them, focus on
Different Cultural Backgrounds terms like “custody” and “visitation” and ask the
one question, “Who gets the kids?” Although
This book is not just for Caucasian, middle-
these are certainly important issues, this book
class, and heterosexual-parented families.
helps parents understand their children’s needs
Incorporated throughout the text, as well as in
first, then structure their agreement to meet
chapters devoted to multicultural, multiracial,
those needs as best they can. After you and the
and nontraditional families, is an understanding
other parent have been able to agree about most
that all kinds of families need parenting
aspects of your separate parenting relationship,
agreements.
this book will help you assign the labels that
make the most sense.
This Book Is for Families With
One Child or Many Children This Book Is a Work in Progress
For convenience, this book is written using This book is part of a growing database of real-
the word “children” rather than “child” or world solutions to parenting problems. If you
“child(ren).” If you have only one child, you can come up with an issue or a solution we haven’t
assume that every reference to c hildren includes included, let us know on the Registration Card
your child. in the back of the book. If we use your issue or
options in future editions, we will acknowledge
This Book Can Be Used With your contribution (if you wish).
or Without Professional Help
This book was written to help you negotiate
your own parenting agreement, whether or A Word to Skeptics
not you also get help from professionals such Many parents who go through separation
as mediators, counselors, attorneys, evaluators, or divorce feel that books like this one and
arbitrators, and courts. It includes worksheets processes like mediation won’t work for them.
you can use for your own negotiations, to Some parents assume that:
record your agreement, or to help any outside
• The only way to handle the emotional
professional who might become involved. The
conflict between the parties is through all-
book helps you assess whether your agreement
out legal warfare.
will work, lists resources for getting outside help
if necessary, and explains how you can finalize • The other parent will never budge on core
your agreement if you areinvolved in a court issues.
proceeding. • Nothing will ever be decided because each
You may be surprised to find that this book parent wants the same thing, such as sole
doesn’t sound like what your attorney says or primary custody of the children.
is important about separation, divorce, and Fortunately, none of these situations is an
separate parenting. That is because this book is automatic barrier. Many parents with tough
focused on you, your c hildren, and their other problems like these have negotiated agreements
parent—not on the law. on their own or through mediation.
6 | building a parenting agreement that works
What If the Conflict at different ages, and how you might structure
Is Really Intense? your agreement to best meet those needs.
By focusing on your children while
Conflict is a natural and normal part of
negotiating parenting arrangements, you’ll
separation, divorce, and separate parenting. To
probably find that you can adjust your
presume otherwise would do you, the other
positions enough to produce a good parenting
parent, and your children a disservice. But
agreement.
conflict—even intense conflict—is not reason
enough to assume you cannot negotiate a
parenting a greement.
Chapters 4 and 11 contain information on
What If You Just
how you and the other parent can handle your Want to Fight?
own negotiations even if your conflict is bitter
There are times when a custody fight appears
or has lasted a long time. Chapter 4 explains
inevitable. You may be willing to be reasonable,
how to have an effective meeting and improve
but you believe the other parent isn’t, and it
your communication style. It also offers specific
may seem like there is no choice but to fight
strategies for managing conflict. Chapter 11
it out in court. Or you may be so angry about
explains mediation and how it can be used
something the other parent has said or done
to bring parents together for their children’s
that you feel the only effective way to deal with
benefit.
it is to “let them have it.”
If you really think this won’t work for you,
Constant fighting, arguing, and blaming in
skim Chapters 4 and 11 before continuing.
a marriage generally lead to more of the same
Hopefully, you will gain some reassurance from
in the process of dissolving it. Unfortunately,
what you find there, and you’ll be willing to
the consequences of continuing this behavior
return here and work through the rest of the
can be dramatic. Lawsuits often take on a
book. (See Chapter 17 for more resources.)
life of their own and can be much harder to
stop than to start. This kind of battle can lead
If the Other Parent Won’t Budge to escalating costs, a dramatically reduced
Being adamant about a certain position is standard of living, and significant damage to
not necessarily bad. If the less flexible parent your children’s emotional well-being.
can describe his or her concerns, goals, and
perceptions of the situation in some detail, you Custody Litigation Is Unpredictable
will often have a good list of issues that must
Asking a court to resolve differences over
be addressed and resolved to reach a lasting
custody and visitation is highly unpredictable. If
agreement.
you doubt this, ask yourattorney to guarantee,
Perhaps the most effective way to put your in writing, what will happen if you choose to
discussions on a positive footing is to shift litigate your custody and visitation issues.
the focus to your children. The worksheets in
Part of this unpredictability stems from the
Chapter 3 help you identify and describe your
fact that most parents believe their cause to be
concerns, describe your children’s needs, and
righteous. This means, of course, that at least
acknowledge the unique situations that your
half of all litigants are unpleasantly surprised by
family is facing. Chapter 13 helps you gain
the judge’s decision. More important, litigation
insights into what children need and experience
introduction | 7
is unpredictable because judges are human Whether or not you hire an attorney, you
beings who naturally differ in their approaches may find you have to pay for testimony from a
to the kinds of problems that custody and counselor or therapist (which generally requires
visitation disputes present. three to five sessions, at an average rate of $75
Though it is true that judges are supposed to $150 per hour, before the therapist submits
to make decisions that favor the best interests any final report) or a custody evaluation (which
of the children, and the laws of every state generally costs between $2,000 and $7,500,
list factors that judges should consider when depending on how complicated the issues are
determining what these best interests are, the and how much conflict exists in the family).
standards themselves leave considerable room (You can read more about custody evaluations
for individual interpretation. (See Chapter 16 in Chapter 6, Issue 9, and in Chapter 17.) In
for information on how judges determine what addition, you will probably find it necessary to
is in the best interests of children.) For example, arrange for testimony from friends, relatives,
some judges decide that the conflict between school teachers, clergy members, and neighbors.
the parents is overblown or unnecessary Funding a child custody battle can be
and order joint custody, thereby requiring especially difficult when you consider that, after
cooperation between parents who may find separation or divorce, the income you shared
the task nearly impossible. Other judges, and must now be used to maintain two separate
some states, consider ongoing contact with homes. In addition to separate rent or mortgage
both parents to be so important that custody payments, telephone service, food, and other
is awarded to the parent who is most likely incidentals, you will have to duplicate the
to foster a healthy relationship with the other furniture, clothes, and toys that don’t travel
parent, thus initiating a battle to be declared with the children, and pay whatever costs are
“most reasonable and accommodating.” Making associated with the distance between your
decisions in this way may or may not be best homes (such as travel and telephone). Many
for the children. In almost every case, some who separate or divorce are stunned by how
factors favor one parent and others the other quickly their money disappears!
parent. This situation can be hardest when two
“good” parents face off in court, as both are Custody Litigation Damages the
likely to walk away unhappy with the result. Children Regardless of the Result
As important as money is, the economic
Custody Litigation Is Usually Costly consequences of fighting in court can be
If you choose to pursue litigation, the next dwarfed by the impact such a fight will have on
hurdle will be figuring out how to pay for your your children. Mental health professionals, the
court battle. If you decide to represent yourself, court system, attorneys, mediators, and custody
you will save on attorneys’ fees, although the evaluators all agree on one thing: Ongoing
costs and time associated with filing (which conflict between parents is often the most
includes doing the legal research as well as damaging stressor for children in the divorce
preparing and serving your court papers) can process.
be significant. If you do hire an attorney, you When conflict is obvious and occurs over
can expect to pay $5,000 to $15,000 or more in extended periods of time, children feel torn
fees for even a “routine” case. between loving both parents, hoping someone
8 | building a parenting agreement that works
will magically restore the marriage, and wishing Avoid Litigating Your Custody
that they could be anywhere but where the Dispute If at All Possible
battle is raging. This is true even when parents
Hopefully, all that you’ve read so far has
have most of their arguments outside of their
convinced you that litigation should most
children’s presence. Because children have spent
definitely be a last resort. The purpose of this
all of their lives living with and observing their
book is to give you the tools and information
parents, and because children rely on their
that will help you avoid litigation and resolve
parents to provide the basic securities of life,
your differences with the other parent in as
they develop an uncanny ability to “read” their
friendly a way as possible. Parenting separately
parents. Children are exquisitely sensitive to
is challenging, but it is a job worth doing
each parent’s reactions when the other parent’s
well. By making the commitment to put your
name is mentioned, the other parent calls, or
children’s interests first, and by taking the time
court papers are served.
to educate yourself about your options, you,
your children, and the other parent may find
that you can develop a parenting agreement
that each of you feels is essentially fair. ●
I
pa r t
Getting Started
1
C H A P T E R
Dealing With Grief, Anger, Pain, Relief, It Gets Easier Over Time
Fear, and Other Messy Emotions At the beginning, separation or divorce is often
traumatic. Many people behave irrationally or
Some compare the end of a marriage or other
seem unstable. As time passes, however, most
committed relationship to a death. The dreams
parents regain their balance.
that most of us bring to our relationships are
huge. Add a child or children into the mix, and Let’s look more closely at the typical
the combination is powerful indeed. Losing emotional stages parents go through when they
those dreams or seeing them fade away will separate, and how these stages might affect
stir powerful emotions in both parents. Add to each parent’s ability to reach an effective, child-
this the fact that children go through their own focused parenting plan.
worries, losses, and pain, and your divorce is
likely to be a very difficult time—at least at the The First Few Weeks
beginning. Just before and just after the initial separation,
Is all of this “normal”? In many respects, it you will probably feel confused. It may seem
would be strange if the changes associated with that there are an endless number of decisions
separation or divorce were not terribly difficult to make, each of which appears to be the most
at first—even if you are the one who ended the important. You will probably ride a roller
relationship. coaster of emotions. On any given day you
These are times where it makes sense to make may have intense feelings of rage, depression,
space for feeling as if your emotions are “out abandonment, relief, grief, guilt, and excite
of control,” not knowing exactly how you feel, ment. In fact, you may decide that ending a
or wondering whether your feelings will ever relationship, or having one ended for you, has
settle down again. It is also a time to seek out left you feeling like you are going crazy.
some support. Powerful emotions are just part This is not the time to worry about charting
of the territory when relationships change or a permanent course for your children’s future.
end. It’s when you feel alone that the feelings Instead, try to develop one or more short-term
can take over more of your world than may be agreements that will allow you, the other parent,
healthy. Find good friends, relatives, a religious and your children to settle in to the new
counselor, or trained mental health professional arrangements gradually. By taking it slowly, you
who can hear what you are feeling, and help will have time to see what makes the most sense
keep things in perspective. In time, the initial in the long run. The key to success is to separate
pain and turmoil will lessen, and you will be the adult relationship issues from the parenting
able to move on to a more balanced frame of issues and develop a clear, child-centered plan
mind. Remember to look for support for your that each parent can easily follow.
child as well. Some children feel best confiding
in their parents, others worry about overloading
an already-stressed parent, and so try to handle
too much on their own.
14 | building a parenting agreement that works
No matter what stage of the separation you in their children’s lives must find a way to
are in, remember that one of the few things you work together.
can count on is change. Neither you, the other • Children usually want to maintain a
parent, or your children can (or should) expect relationship with both parents—and they
the first agreement to be your last one. You can suffer when their parents constantly fight.
never anticipate all the decisions you will have The better the parents are at
to make about your children. Certain parts of negotiating satisfactory solutions to their
your agreement will work for the long term, differences, the better their relationships
while others will need to be revised regularly. will be with their children.
One of the most common reasons parents • When parents are unable to agree on basic
have to revise their first agreement is the or critical decisions about their children’s
presence of a parent’s new partner. Children health, education, and w elfare, a court
often have strong opinions about new step will step in and impose decisions. These
parents, boyfriends, or girlfriends. Additionally, decisions, though aimed at protecting
when one parent has a new partner—especially and p reserving the best interests of
the parent with whom the children primarily the children, might be very different
live—the other parent may need reassurance from what the parents want or feel is
that he or she will not be replaced by the new appropriate.
partner. Negotiating your parenting agreement is
Other changes that can trigger the need covered in detail in Chapter 4.
for modification of an existing arrangement
include:
Using Mediation to Help You Negotiate
• a parent’s desire to move because of a
new job There are several basic approaches to
• a parent’s desire to move to be closer to negotiating a parenting agreement. Some
relatives parents resolve the issues on their own. Others
• a child’s special needs or a change in ask a counselor to help, work with attorneys, or
schools, or use mediation. Mediation is a process that uses
• a child’s desire to live with the other parent. a trained neutral person (someone who has
nothing to gain or lose by what you decide) to
help you identify the issues to resolve and reach
Learn How to Negotiate solutions. It offers many advantages because
you control the decision-making process—the
Negotiation is the process of reaching an agree mediator doesn’t have the power to impose a
ment acceptable to the people involved. The decision on you.
more successful the negotiation, the more
Mediation is available in all states, either
acceptable the agreement. Negotiation is an
through the court or from private practitioners,
integral part of separate parenting for a number
and has become very popular—particularly for
of reasons.
resolving family conflicts—because it is less
• Most parents tend to be involved with adversarial than courtroom litigation. There’s
their children, at some level, well into their more detail about mediation in Chapter 11.
early adulthood. Parents who stay involved
16 | building a parenting agreement that works
face. This is because there can be significant mediation separate from the batterer. Many
power imbalances between people who have domestic violence victims feel better if they are
been involved in domestic violence. Advocates accompanied by a domestic violence support
worry that a victim might be too intimidated person. Several states require a judge to deny
by the batterer to effectively represent his or custody or unsupervised visitation to a batterer
her own interests, or to protect their children’s unless the judge can say why visitation is safe
interests. and in the child’s best interests.
Many experts worry that any type of negotia You can find more information on how to
tions regarding custody and visitation with understand and handle domestic violence or
someone who has committed domestic emotional abuse issues in Chapters 4, 8, and
violence is inappropriate because it implies 17. After you have found a way to address these
that somehow the violence is excusable. To safety issues, you can try to use this book to
address these concerns, some states (especially build a parenting agreement that can help you
those that require mediation for custody and now and over time as the situation changes or
visitation disputes) allow victims of domestic improves. ●
violence either to skip mediation or to attend
2
C H A P T E R
An Introduction to
Parenting Agreements
All states have their own criteria for deter Increase Fairness
mining the best interests of the children.
Parents, children, and professionals agree that
Determining what is or is not in your children’s
the most successful agreements are those that
best interests is an inexact process. Some of
the parties can describe as fair, meaning that
the factors considered, however, include your
even if each party doesn’t “win” everything,
children’s:
they still feel that they have gained something.
• age If your parenting plan is clear and detailed,
• temperament you will find that day-to-day living is simpler.
• relationships with each parent Though most children hope for reconciliation,
• special needs or activities, and they can probably adapt to almost any plan if
• religious and social values. they are confident that you believe it is fair and
workable.
modification may be minor if the parents custody award to one parent, allowing the other
live near each other and can communicate “reasonable” visitation. Clearly, a sole custody
well, or profound if ongoing conflict prevents award heavily favors the “custodial” parent in
cooperation in parenting. For most parents, it’s caring for and making decisions on behalf of
somewhere in between. the children.
In a divorce or legal separation, courts In some states, such as New Hampshire
commonly order either sole custody or shared and New Mexico, the court must begin with
custody. Under a sole custody arrangement, one the premise that it will order shared custody
parent is the primary caregiver and the other unless it would not be in the children’s best
parent’s visits are defined by a set schedule. interests. In many states, a court may order
Under a shared custody arrangement, both shared custody even when one of the parents
parents enjoy significant amounts of time with disagrees. (See Chapter 16.) So even if you
their children and make decisions together. don’t successfully negotiate a parenting plan,
Some states distinguish between legal you may end up with a shared custody order if
custody—the authority to make decisions you are in court.
about the children—and physical custody—the In Chapter 6, you will select a specific custody
physical care of the children. In these states, arrangement to include in your parenting
courts can make any of the following orders: plan—assuming you and the other parent are
• Sole legal and physical custody. In this ending a legal marriage. Additional information
arrangement, one parent assumes the is in Chapter 13, Understanding Your
decision-making responsibility, and Children’s Needs, and (if applicable) Chapter
children spend most of their time with 15, Nontraditional Families.
that parent.
• Shared legal and sole physical custody. Most Opposite-Sex Couples Decide on
Parents share decision-making authority, Primary or Sole Custody to Mother
but the children spend most of their time
with only one parent. For a variety of reasons, most opposite-sex
• Shared legal custody and shared physical parenting couples agree that the mother will
custody. Parents share decision-making have primary or sole custody after a separation
authority, and the children divide their or divorce and that the father will exercise
time fairly equally between their parents— reasonable visitation. For some, this happens
though it doesn’t have to be 50/50 to because fathers presume that mothers will be
qualify as shared (or joint) custody. awarded custody. In others, it happens
Chapter 16 contains information on the because of the mother’s fear that she will be
different forms of custody each state authorizes. judged poorly if she is not the primary care
If parents cooperate in drafting and imple taker. In still other situations, the parents agree
menting a detailed parenting agreement, the that the mother has more time, a greater
court (if authorized) is likely to issue a shared inclination, or a better understanding of the
custody order. On the other hand, if the children’s daily needs.
parents can’t reach agreement on important
child-rearing issues, the court may issue a sole ●
3
C H A P T E R
Getting Organized
To help clarify your feelings and goals for Go slowly now to save time later. Most
separating and divorcing parents reach a point
your future relationship with your children,
when they just want to “be done” so they can get
complete the four worksheets. You can use
on with their lives. This is normal, and tempting. For
them in your negotiations with the other
parenting agreements to work, however, they must
parent, or to educate people you might work make sense to both parents. Also, the agreement
with as you develop your parenting agreement, must reflect ways that each parent and each child
such as a mediator, counselor, or lawyer. have different needs or values. Taking some extra
As we noted above, each parent should com time with the worksheets and your discussions
plete a separate copy of Worksheets 1, 2, and 3. about them can save you time later by helping you
Working independently lets you each focus to organize your thoughts and plan for ways your
on your own feelings and impressions. It also agreement can help each of you feel comfortable
means you don’t have to worry about whether with changes in your family relationships and living
you agree on how to answer each question. arrangements.
chapter 3 | getting organized | 29
As before, each parent should start with Regardless of the approach you take, this
at least two blank copies of this worksheet worksheet will help you organize the informa
(separate from the original, in case you need to tion you’ve gathered in the first three work
make more copies later). sheets. If you fill this worksheet out together, be
Completed by Cherise (mother). sure that you write down both parents’ answers
to questions when you disagree.
Worksheet 4: Checklist of Issues for If you fill this worksheet out together, make
Your Parenting Agreement two copies before starting. If you fill this work
sheet out separately, make sure each parent has
Some parents will want to fill this last work
at least two blank copies. Be sure to keep the
sheet out together, while others will want
original worksheet separate, in case you need to
to do so separately and then compare their
make more copies later.
answers when finished. The goal is to get a list
of important issues so you can be sure your Completed by Manny (father) but reflects
parenting agreement will make sense for your comments of both parents.
situation.
CHAPTER 3 | GETTING ORGANIzED | 31
3. How does each child like the current living and parenting arrangements?
The children spend alternating weekends with their dad at his parents’ house. I bring them over at 6
on Friday evening, and Manny brings them back Sunday mornings at 9 so I can take them to Sunday
school. They seem to be handling the arrangements alright, but it sometimes gets in the way when
Krista wants to have overnights with her friends. The kids like Manny’s parents, but I think they are
spoiling them. I also worry that Manny and his parents talk about how they don’t like me in front of
the kids.
4. Have there been any changes in behavior since the separation or divorce?
Justin has become much quieter. Even though he still clowns around, he cries for Manny a lot. Both
boys seem to miss their dad when they’re with me. Krista is sometimes very cold to both of us. All
three kids are glad there is less yelling and fighting. They were all there the night Manny hit me, and
seem scared of him when he gets mad. Carl has hit a couple of children at preschool, and pulled one
girl’s hair hard enough that her parents called me that night. Justin is very inconsistent with the
toilet training, and I am thinking of putting this off until things settle down more.
3. How do you and your children handle and resolve conflict? Discipline?
I’m pretty clear with them about the rules, but sometimes it’s hard to enforce the rules when
they spend so little time with me. They fight sometimes, so I pretty much just split them up
until they settle down. They stay with my parents if I have to work on Saturdays. My parents
love to spoil them when they get the chance.
4. How did you share parenting responsibilities and time when you and the other parent were
living together?
I helped out with taking care of the kids. I gave them baths sometimes, helped with some things
around the house, and sometimes put them to bed. I worked 8–5 or 6 though, so I didn’t always
have a lot of energy left to do things before they went to bed.
5. How do you and the other parent share parenting responsibilities and time with your children
now?
Cherise handles most of the day-to-day things, but I plan to do my share of it as soon as I get
my own place and the kids can be with me half the time. I can handle getting them to school or
day care in the morning, and deal with the evening stuff just fine. My mother has agreed to help
out when they are with me. My mom also takes care of the kids on Wednesday nights when I
have classes.
7. Are your children happy with the current arrangements? (Please explain)
I know it’s hard on the kids to all have to share a room when they stay with me, but I think they
also like spending time with their grandparents. I know they wish they could spend more time
with me, especially Carl and Justin, but that will happen as soon as I can save up some money.
1. List court documents, orders, or agreements that affect your family. (Note that the terms listed
here might be different in your state. See Chapter 16 for the terms used in your state.)
Papers to file for divorce
The temporary agreement we worked out when we first separated
3. Children’s schedules of activities, special needs, and interests (such as school, religious training,
and after-school activities):
Krista has Brownies every Tuesday after school.
All three children go to Sunday school at 10:30 each week.
6. Are there any adult relatives or friends with whom the children should or should not have
close contact?
The children should continue to see their grandparents and cousins. They should not be
around Rosa or George if they have been drinking.
8. Are there any special medical needs of the children, parents, or the family?
None of us has any health issues, but I want to be sure that the kids get a checkup at least
once a year.
9. Do you want your parenting agreement to address domestic violence issues? (Please explain)
Yes. Even though Manny only hurt me badly once, I’m afraid that he will teach the kids that
violence is an acceptable way to solve conflicts. I think he needs to finish the anger management
counseling, and find new ways to handle conflict. He also needs to find ways to explain to
Carl, especially, why hitting other kids or pulling their hair isn’t acceptable behavior.
10. Do you want your parenting agreement to address the use of drugs or alcohol? (Please explain)
I think Manny should start going to AA meetings again. I’m not sure if he’s drinking all the
time, but he was drinking the night he hit me.
11. Do you have any special concerns about your relationship with the other parent that should be
addressed in your agreement? (Please explain)
I think Manny and his parents bad-mouth me in front of the kids. I want that to stop.
34 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS
2. Steps you will have to take to resolve legal or religious issues such as divorce, legal separation,
etc.:
Finish divorce paperwork, make it final.
4. Ways each of you can support your children’s relationship with the other parent:
Both Manny and Cherise agree not to bad-mouth the other parent when talking with family or
friends any time the children are present or might overhear the conversation.
5. Ways each parent can help the children address their feelings, reactions, or concerns about the
separation or divorce:
Krista is already seeing the school counselor every couple of weeks. She can continue this
until the end of the school year. Manny will try to talk to Carl about not hitting when he is angry.
7. Ways to reduce conflict between the parents when negotiating agreements, exchanging the
children, and addressing the children’s needs, interests, and activities:
We will try to talk on the phone first, so we don’t have to talk about it when Cherise drops them
off on Fridays.
9. Times when only Cherise can care for children: Wednesday and Thursday evenings
10. Times when only Manny can care for children: none
11. Time with other family or friends that should be addressed in the parenting agreement:
The kids will still spend a lot of time with Manny’s parents, even after he gets his own place.
They will also spend time with Cherise’s sister and her children.
12. Family or friends the children should not spend time (or be alone) with:
Rosa and George, if they have been drinking.
CHAPTER 3 | GETTING ORGANIzED | 35
●
4
C H A P T E R
Reestablish Trust................................................................................................................................... 51
Find your “BATNA” or “WATNA”................................................................................................ 52
Focus on Your Strengths.................................................................................................................. 52
Expand Your Options........................................................................................................................ 52
Balance the Power............................................................................................................................... 53
Knowing Where to Get Help and Support.................................................................................. 55
Professional Resources...................................................................................................................... 56
Community and Other Resources.............................................................................................. 58
chapter 4 | how to negotiate a parenting agreement | 39
• can safely express your views (especially that they will stick to an agreement, even if
if there has been a history of domestic they doubt that the other person will do the
violence or verbal or emotional abuse) same. When you have two people who feel this
• understand what the other person wants way, you are well on your way to building an
and why (even if you don’t agree), and agreement that can last. Sometimes negotiations
• know what you and the other person each succeed not because of trust but because the
have to gain from a successful agreement. parties know that failure can mean expensive
and exhausting legal battles.
Lasting Agreements
Defining Success
Knowing how you will benefit from having
your parenting agreement work well can make Some people think that their negotiations
it easier to be flexible as you and the other succeed only if they have gotten what they
parent negotiate and carry out the agreement. want without spending too much time or
For example, most parents can handle small money on the process of working out the
changes in the schedule or occasional late pick- agreement. These people give little thought to
ups and dropoffs for visits if they think the how the other parent feels about the agreement
other parent is considering their needs and the or whether it makes the most sense for their
children’s needs when making these changes. children. Although this strategy might work
well for handling some kinds of negotiations
There are many ways you can benefit from a
(such as buying a used car), it often backfires
successful parenting agreement, including:
when people have to cooperate with each
• limiting the financial and emotional costs
other for a long time. Because parenting is a
of a court fight
long-term commitment, it pays to lay a strong
• reducing tension between you and the foundation for the negotiations with the other
other parent parent at the outset.
• helping both parents worry less about their
children when they are with the other
parent When Conflict
• helping to keep your children out of the
middle of their parents’ arguments by
Gets in the Way
finding new ways to handle your conflicts, The single biggest barrier to successful negotia
and tions is conflict. Conflict can range from
• showing your children that you and the occasional disagreements or shouting matches
other parent can agree on some things. to persistent arguing, verbal and physical
assault, or threats to hurt or kill. Studies have
When Parents Don’t confirmed that children witness domestic
violence between their parents in 50%–75%
Trust Each Other
of divorces, and that nearly half of those
It is possible to create a good parenting agree children are themselves victims of domestic
ment even if there is little or no trust between violence, child abuse, or child sexual abuse.
the parents. Most people consider themselves Not surprisingly, conflict between parents can
trustworthy. They know, and will tell you, feel more like “the clash of the titans” to a child
chapter 4 | how to negotiate a parenting agreement | 41
than an example of “Mom and Dad trying to Conflict can be very expensive. The most
figure out what’s best for me.” obvious costs can be measured in the dollars
Some amount of conflict is normal during it takes to pay attorneys, court fees, child
a divorce or separation. But when arguing, custody evaluators, special masters, visitation
fighting, legal battles, and name-calling are a supervisors, counselors, and any other
regular part of your coparenting landscape, professionals you and the other parent must
agreements can be very difficult to reach hire to help.
on your own. When do you need help? Ask Less obvious, perhaps, are the enormous costs
yourself the following questions: that each of you will pay emotionally. And
• Are your court files more than six inches your children will pay most of all. Children
tall when you stack them up on the often feel afraid, sad, and confused when their
kitchen table? (Research shows that parents argue, blame, threaten each other, or let
approximately 5%–10% of all divorces their anger spiral out of control. Children look
are litigated extensively). to their parents as the people who protect them
• If someone asked both you and the from the scary parts of the world. Children also
other parent about how things are going, need their parents to help them manage the
would one say, “Great!” and the other say, hurt, anger, and other calamities that are part
“Awful”? of growing up. When parents are arguing or
become violent, children lose confidence that
• When you or the other parent talk about
their parents will continue to love them and
why the arguing continues, do you both
keep them safe.
say that you are always right and the other
parent is always wrong? Study after study confirms what many parents
know from their own experiences: Conflict
• Are your extended families and friends
between the parents takes the greatest toll on
lined up on one side or the other ready to
children. This conflict—especially when it
do battle?
continues over time—can slow your children’s
• Do one or both of you feel that the other
ability to reach certain milestones in their
parent has nothing good to offer your
development, lead to poor performance in
children?
school, undermine their ability to relate to
• Does one parent feel that the other parent friends, and make them feel even more isolated
has “cut off” the possibility of having a than they already feel because of the separation
good relationship with your children? or divorce.
• Have there been threats of violence, Although it will be difficult, you and the
physical violence, or verbal or emotional other parent can find effective ways to reduce
abuse in your relationship (even if it the levels of conflict that you experience in
happened only around the time of your coparenting relationship. Here are some
separation)? strategies that both professionals and parents
If your answer is “yes” to the last question—or agree are the most effective in reducing conflict.
three or more of the other questions—there’s a
good chance that your conflict may get in the
way of negotiating a parenting plan.
42 | building a parenting agreement that works
Sometimes it helps to see where you and the basis. They can communicate easily. When
other parent fit along an imagined continuum of conflicts do come up, these parents are usually
low- to high-conflict families. Though no pair of able to manage their differences effectively.
divorcing parents can ever really be “categorized,” “Angry Associates”: These parents are
it is often interesting to consider where you frequently angry with each other and have a
might fit in, and what other models for handling difficult time separating the adult relationship
these issues and relationships exist. issues from the parenting issues. Though they
Dr. Constance Ahrons’ list of different family can often benefit from working with a mediator,
types, discussed in her book The Good Divorce counselor, or attorney to resolve their disputes,
(Harper Collins, 1994), still does a good job they seldom do. These parents frequently involve
of capturing different types of relationships their children in their conflict, and the children
between divorced parents—even a decade later. often dread what will happen each time their
In her book Dr. Ahrons notes that there are lots parents are in the same place at the same time.
of divorced pairs that fall into each category, “Fiery Foes”: These parents seldom have much
though most divorcing couples cluster near the to do with each other—but when they do, it
middle of the list, and these relationships usually often turns into a battle. These parents go to
shift over time. court regularly. The issues that end up in court
“Perfect Pals”: These parents are able to remain often start as a small matter, such as what time
good friends and communicate regularly with the weekend visit should start or finish. Judges
very little conflict. These parents may live next frequently turn to outside professionals (such
door to, or down the block from, each other. as a custody evaluator, attorney for the child,
These parents are also more likely to consider counselor, special master, or visitation supervisor)
“bird nesting” (having the children stay in the for help in deciding how best to resolve the issue
family home while the parents switch off living and what court orders might be most effective,
there). When attending the school play or and to watch that the court orders are followed.
soccer match, they are more likely than not to sit In these situations, children sometimes say they
together. These parents are often able to share are afraid to be with one of their parents, or they
birthday parties and holiday celebrations, and may refuse to visit one parent.
may keep friendly relationships with their “ex” “Dissolved Duos”: This situation is different
in-laws. from the other four, because it commonly
“Cooperative Colleagues”: These parents are involves one parent who has nearly, or totally,
generally friendly toward each other, can clearly stopped contact with the ex and his or her child.
separate the adult relationship issues from the Parents in this group may consider kidnapping or
parenting issues, and are more likely than “perfect hiding a child after losing custody because they
pals” to have new partners. Although these fear that they have no other option for gaining
parents’ homes may still be in the same general time with their children.
area, they are less likely to cross paths on a regular
chapter 4 | how to negotiate a parenting agreement | 43
Separate Relationship Issues For example, if you want to pay the other
From Parenting Issues parent back for taking a new lover, imagine that
you’ve been able to do that and to guarantee
Most professionals working with divorced or
that they will not have another happy moment,
separated families urge the parents to find ways
or date, for the next ten years. If your goal
to keep their adult relationship issues separate
is to force the other parent to admit what a
from the parenting issues. But what does this
miserable parent he or she is, imagine that
really mean? In short, it means that you don’t
they not only know this, but that a court has
mix up your feelings about why you and the
sentenced them to walk up and down Main
other parent didn’t stay together with your
Street wearing a sandwich board that proclaims
children’s needs and desires. It also means that
their failings.
you can see your children’s needs as separate
Got the idea? Great! Now imagine the
from your own, or the other parent’s, needs.
consequences. How well will the other parent
be able to function as a caregiver? How will
Deal With Feelings of Revenge your children react to the other parent’s fate?
Some parents are so angry or hurt that they feel How long will your feelings of triumph last?
like they want to “get back” at the other parent. How long might it take and how much might
These feelings can be a powerful motivator and it cost to actually achieve full victory? How
a significant roadblock in your negotiations. motivated will the other parent be to pitch in
When revenge becomes a central theme for on miscellaneous expenses for the children or to
one or both parents, its destructive influence faithfully pay child support?
makes finding a settlement outside of court less Revenge may be sweet for the moment, but
likely. it is a poor substitute for confidence in yourself
Some desire for revenge is often a fact of life and your value and abilities as a parent. It
following a separation or divorce. To help, can so easily backfire and cost you and your
you can look for ways to bring the feelings out children any sense of fulfillment.
into the open safely and then loosen their hold
on your negotiations. As with other intense Don’t Undermine Your Child’s
feelings, you may be able to overcome these Relationship With the Other Parent
destructive feelings by admitting that you have
Sometimes, one or both parents try to
them and acknowledging how much you would
undermine their children’s relationship with
like to be able to act on them. Having done
the other parent—in a word, they try to “turn”
this, you might then be able to discard revenge
their children away from the other parent. Signs
and move forward to negotiate an agreement
that a parent is engaging in this type of behavior
that nurtures your children.
include:
If you or the other parent can’t shake your
• one parent regularly discusses his or her
desire to get revenge, try thinking about what
concerns about the other parent’s ability to
would actually happen if you got what you
care for the child with the children
think you want. You can start by playing a
game of “What if?” Imagine that you are not • a child has decided to resolve his or her
only successful in getting revenge but that you feelings about wanting to love both parents
have succeeded beyond your wildest dreams! by choosing to align with, or be loyal to,
one parent, and sees the other parent as
44 | building a parenting agreement that works
Though relatively few parents remain locked in getting help, at least briefly, from a trained
high-conflict relationships (approximately 10% professional such as a mediator, counselor, mental
to 15% of all separated or divorced parents), it health professional, or attorney.
is common enough to justify a closer look. By Some conflict, however, is so intense that it
looking closely at what you argue about, or why really should be viewed differently. Hostility
you can’t seem to stop arguing, you can learn occurs when arguing goes beyond just disagreeing
important things about the ways that either or about what is right or how to resolve a problem.
both of you need to grow in your communication Hostility takes on overtones of “making someone
or problem-solving skills. pay” for all of the bad things they have done,
Conflict is very complex. For many parents, and it is not generally the kind of emotion that
conflict starts when they cannot communicate can be dealt with in a calm negotiation setting
over difficult and emotionally charged issues. between two parents. Hostility is better addressed
It continues because they are not successful in in counseling or some other controlled setting
getting over what has made those issues difficult where a trained professional can help the parents
or emotionally charged in the first place. It usually understand what is happening, look for ways
takes several months, or years, for people to to address the underlying issues, and provide
deal with all of the feelings that come up when emotional and physical safety for everyone
a romantic relationship is ending. During that involved. You can find more information about
time, it can be especially difficult, but is critically different kinds of mental health professionals in
important, to sort out why the conflict exists and Chapter 17.
what it will take to resolve it. Often this means
dangerous, uncaring, or incapable than not, though, there are many reasons for
• a child refuses to visit, speak on the this behavior. Figuring out the reasons is often
telephone, or otherwise have any contact difficult, but it is important to do. Generally,
with one parent, or parents in this situation need a professional’s
• one parent works hard to make sure help to address these situations. (See Chapter 8,
the other parent is as absent from the Issue 30.)
children’s lives as possible. Note: Though protecting a child from
Parents give many reasons for trying to emotional, physical, or sexual abuse is critically
undermine the children’s relationship with important, you must be sure to do so in a
the other parent. Often this behavior masks way that does not also jeopardize your legal
a complex range of problems. Sometimes situation. For this reason, it is essential that
parents actively try to distance children from you meet with an attorney, district attorney,
the other parent because there is a history of domestic violence counselor, child abuse
emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. In other protection professional, or other similarly
situations, parents alienate children from the qualified person who can help you decide the
other parent as a way of punishing the other best way to protect your child without doing
parent for leaving the relationship. More often something illegal.
chapter 4 | how to negotiate a parenting agreement | 45
your child will do better in school or have professional negotiators use. What you will
better self-esteem with tutoring, or that notice running through all of these strategies is
program costs can be reduced for low- an emphasis on looking carefully at a situation
income parents), and to understand why it caused problems in the
• suggest alternative solutions that might past, and planning for how you might avoid
appeal to the other parent (for example, those problems in the future.
the other parent might want to take the
child to tutoring and keep the child half Set Ground Rules
an hour later for as long as the tutoring is Parents can keep control of a conversation
needed). and avoid a full-blown battle when they set
and follow a few basic ground rules. Ground
Take Advantage of rules work best when they are simple, easy to
Each Parent’s Strengths remember, and few in number. Some ground
When emotions are running high—as is often rules to use include:
the case in parenting negotiations—many • agreeing that neither parent will interrupt
people find it difficult to be flexible or to try the other (sometimes parents keep a pad
new problem-solving strategies. This is why it of paper handy to make notes so that they
is so important for parents to plan for how they don’t forget a point they want to make)
will solve problems. • agreeing that neither parent will call the
Each of us has strengths and weaknesses when other names or make generalized, negative
it comes to how we solve problems. For some, statements about the other (instead of
it’s best to talk things through from beginning saying, “You never did care much about
to end before making a decision. For others, it how the kids were raised,” you might
helps to have one person develop a plan that say, “I feel as though you left most of the
both parents can consider. Many parents find decisions to me while we were married”),
that each of them prefers to solve problems and
in different ways. If each parent comes to • focusing on issues and possible solutions,
the negotiations prepared to understand the rather than on who is to blame for having
other parent’s style, you will have come a long created the problem in the first place.
way towards building a parenting agreement
that makes sense for both of you and for your Agree on Common Goals
children.
While many parents disagree about decisions
affecting their children, they can often identify
a list of common goals. For example, you may
Using Effective Negotiation agree that you want to reduce the conflict
and Problem-Solving between you, find ways that your children can
enjoy the best of their relationships with each
Strategies of you, and have your children feel confident
Although you may not yet be an experienced that they are loved and valued by both parents,
negotiator, you can take advantage of the regardless of the separation or divorce.
time-tested strategies and techniques that
chapter 4 | how to negotiate a parenting agreement | 47
decisions accordingly. Who knows? You both Parent B: “I could call at the beginning of the
might be pleasantly surprised to find that some week when I know I will have an afternoon
of your assumptions are mistaken. free, and the kids could ride the bus home to
my house instead.”
Say “Yes, … If” Instead of “Yes, … But” In this second conversation, the parents were
Sometimes the other parent proposes something careful to phrase their responses positively.
that you would be willing to go along with, Their negotiations are almost certainly going
provided certain conditions were met. Instead to result in an agreement that is clear and
of starting your response by saying “But,” try acceptable to both.
saying “Yes, . . . if ” instead. Responding with
“but” can sound like “no” to the other person Use “I” Statements and Give Information
and lead to unnecessary arguments. Responding When a parent wants to convey anger,
with “Yes, . . .if ” leads instead to a discussion of frustration, or some other negative emotion,
what it would take for you to go along with the there’s often a temptation to start sentences
idea. with “you,” as in, “You are so irresponsible!”
Consider the following conversation between By turning these into “I” statements and giving
two parents: some information about your concerns, you
Parent A: “I want the children to live with me will find that you are much more effective,
during the week, and you can have them on the because the other parent can better understand
weekends.” how you feel and why. Consider how much
Parent B: “But I want to be able to see them more effective it would be to say, for example,
during the week sometimes, too.” “I get angry when you are late to pick the
children up because I have to deal with their
Parent A: “There you go again—you always
disappointment,” rather than, “You don’t even
argue. Why can’t you just let me have one
care enough about the children to show up on
decision go my way?”
time!”
Parent B: “I wasn’t arguing! You are as
impossible to talk to as always! You can forget
Identify Bothersome Behavior
it now—the kids will live with me, and you can
and Suggest Solutions
see them when it’s convenient.”
When registering complaints, you will have
When parents are angry or distrustful, it is
greater success if you clearly state the problem
easy to jump to the conclusion that “Yes, …
and suggest solutions.
but” really means “no.” As an alternative, these
parents might have approached their discussion
Example:
like this:
I get angry when you are late picking up and
Parent A: “I want the children to live with me
returning the kids for two reasons. First, it
during the week, and you can have them on the
seems to me that you don’t think my time is
weekends.”
valuable. Second, it doesn’t seem to matter
Parent B: “That might work, if I can also see to you whether the children get to bed at a
them sometimes during the week.” reasonable hour on a school night. If you
Parent A: “Well, maybe, if I know about it in are going to be late, I need you to call me at
advance.” least an hour before so the children don’t sit
50 | building a parenting agreement that works
around waiting for you. If you can’t get them Don’t Be Thrown Off
back again at the agreed-upon time, I need Course by “Backsliding”
you to agree that they will always be home at
“Backsliding,” or changing your mind about
least half an hour before bedtime.
things that you’ve already agreed on, is very
common and is not usually a sign of bad faith
in negotiations. Rather, backsliding is often a
Look to the Future While signal that someone is struggling with a difficult
Learning From the Past issue. If one of you is retreating from what once
Examining the past can be valuable, but only if seemed to be an acceptable resolution of an
you use it to plan for the future. In fact, getting issue, take the opportunity to:
stuck in the past is a common reason for failing • reopen the issue
to agree about the future. • discuss what doesn’t seem right about the
When starting in on familiar arguments, resolution
many parents say, “Oh no! Not this again!” and • try to identify the other parent’s real
stop listening for issues or concerns that can be concerns, and
resolved. Instead of rehashing old issues, shift
• ask what alternative solutions might work
your focus to making the future work better by
better.
asking one or two strategic questions.
Example:
Expect Success
I remember that in the past your concerns While some people are naturally optimistic,
were “A,” “B,” and “C.” Is this still true? If it others tend to see the gloomy side of things.
is, what should we change so that “A,” “B,” Looking only for problems and threats can sour
and “C” are no longer issues? almost every negotiation. With practice and
conscious effort, however, many people learn
to see that challenges and past conflicts offer
A realistic and successful parenting agreement
opportunities to succeed in the future.
will emphasize the things that work well for
your family and will try to compensate for People who succeed more often than they
the things that don’t. For this to happen, you fail tend to expect success and to use past
and the other parent must work just as hard mistakes and conflict as opportunities to learn
to identify things that you do well together as (unpleasant though the experiences may have
to point out things that are “wrong.” When been). When you expect to succeed, you will
the situation seems especially dismal, remind work hard to find solutions to your problems.
yourselves of the things you can take credit for, If you expect to fail, you will usually give up
such as: looking for solutions, thereby guaranteeing
failure.
• how well your children are doing
When you and the other parent are
• how much of the decision-making process
actually making decisions and developing
you are handling on your own, or
your parenting agreement, you can set your
• how much you really agree on about
agreement up to succeed if you:
raising your children.
chapter 4 | how to negotiate a parenting agreement | 51
• develop an action plan and assign parents to recapture trust in each other—at
responsibilities least enough to be convinced that the other will
• find ways to describe what “success” means fulfill the agreement.
for your children
• establish how you will know when a Understand the Problem
problem is really solved, and Some parents confuse trustworthiness with
• schedule reviews of your parenting plan acceptable behavior. If the other parent’s
and make changes when needed. lifestyle or career changes do not meet your
expectations, this does not necessarily mean
that the person is not worthy of your trust. If
Breaking Through Impasses you define trustworthiness with words such as
“reliable” and “honest,” and by characteristics
Unsolvable disagreements—or impasses—are such as a love for your children, common
common during negotiations. In fact, you decency, and shared values, you may find you
should probably expect at least one or two are able to trust the other parent again.
serious disagreements during the creation of
your parenting agreement. If you hit a dead
Measure Trustworthiness
end, first review the preparation techniques
described above. If this doesn’t help, consider Once you understand the problem, you
adopting one of these problem-solving may be able to resolve your concerns about
strategies. trustworthiness by describing how to demon
strate trustworthiness in the parenting relation
ship. Forcing yourself to define exactly what
Set the Issue Aside for a While the other parent can do to regain your trust will
One of the easiest ways to deal with an go a long way toward helping you overcome
impasse is to set the issue aside for a while. impasses.
When setting your agenda, consider resolving
the easy issues first—the ones on which you Example:
and the other parent generally agree. This lets I am having trouble trusting my children’s
you rack up some successes and helps build father because he keeps changing the visiting
momentum for resolving the more difficult schedule. To resolve this problem, at a
issues. As you confront increasingly difficult minimum, he would have to call within 72
topics, remind yourselves of your successful hours of any change and limit his changes to
negotiations to date. Use the decision-making once a month.
strategies that worked on the easy issues to
tackle the hard ones.
Example:
Reestablish Trust My trust in our son’s mother is gone because
Trust is an essential element to effective she describes her time with him one way, and
communication and decision making, and yet he says something else. These inconsistencies
trust is usually eroded or lost during separation worry me because I don’t know who to
or divorce. This can create problems for parents believe. She would relieve my anxieties by
trying to negotiate and implement a parenting letting me speak to my son on most of the
agreement. Fortunately, there are ways for days when he is with her.
52 | building a parenting agreement that works
that he or she is not seeing the children enough, one parent is represented by counsel, then both
consider adding a regular midweek dinner or should be represented if possible. Be aware,
having the other parent provide after-school however, that once attorneys get involved,
care. If your discussions have broken down parents can quickly lose control over the
because one parent wants to move out of the kinds of decisions that are made, the kinds of
area, consider having both parents move— resolutions they can consider, and the costs of
assuming you can both find jobs. reaching an agreement.
While increasing numbers of attorneys
Balance the Power support their clients through less adversarial
For any number of reasons, one parent may be proceedings such as mediation, many still feel
at a disadvantage when trying to negotiate with more comfortable in a courtroom and may
the other. If domestic violence or emotional steer their clients that way. Chapter 17 has
abuse has been present, then the threat of suggestions on how to find attorneys who are
force or intimidation might be very real. If one willing to approach separation or divorce cases
parent is articulate and the other is not, the in the least adversarial way possible.
latter parent may have trouble presenting views
and interests, or protecting the interests of the Seek Individual Counseling or Therapy
children. Also, some parents think they have Some parents have never learned how to stand
few options because they fulfill a stereotyped up for themselves in a discussion or while
role of “Mother” or “Father.” negotiating an agreement. These parents may
If these or similar situations are present, have trouble dealing with the emotional content
consider one of the options below. of the discussions or the stress associated with
the separation or divorce. If emotional issues
Enlist the Help of a Mediator or Counselor make your negotiations particularly difficult,
you may need individual counseling before,
Counselors and mediators have different strengths
or during the process of, negotiating your
when it comes to balancing power between
parenting agreement.
two individuals. Counselors can offer parents
a safe setting within which they can vent their
feelings and deal with emotional as well as Negotiate Separately
practical parenting issues. Mediators can support In some situations, especially when domestic
both parents in their efforts to identify—and violence or emotional abuse has been present,
communicate more effectively about—practical it is best that the parents choose a neutral
parenting issues. Because mediators also manage facilitator and each meet with that person
the communication process, they can ensure that separately. This way, each parent can present
each parent has enough time to explain his or her that parent’s own views, interests, and objectives
position. separately to the mediator or other facilitator.
By going back and forth between the parents,
Enlist the Help of Attorneys the mediator or other facilitator can help both
parents avoid arguments, feel like they can
An attorney can represent a parent’s interests
express their views freely, and generate a list of
in negotiations. This is especially helpful when
issues and possible resolutions.
one parent feels incapable of going it alone. If
54 | building a parenting agreement that works
A Case in Point
Let’s consider a specific example about Bibliography and Additional Resources sections
negotiating an agreement. in Chapter 17).
Exchanges, or the time your child switches When you have some idea about what
from one home to the other, can be difficult for problems you want to solve, you are ready to
everyone, for reasons that can be complicated. think about what kinds of decisions you will need
Let’s assume that you and the other parent want to make. Consider the time of day, where the
to negotiate (or renegotiate) how exchanges exchange takes place, who is present, how well
happen. If you are going to reach agreement the child has been prepared, and how you handle
about how to manage this issue better, you must information exchanges with the other parent.
start by figuring out what’s right and wrong with Some common reasons that a transition might
the situation now. Each of you can be “experts” be difficult for a child include:
on this one. Your first step in the negotiating • arguing between the adults
process, then, is to gather information. You can
• feeling guilty about leaving one parent alone
make a list of what each of you does or doesn’t
• wishing that the divorce wasn’t real, and
like about the exchange.
• worrying about what one parent will think if
Depending on your child’s age, it might also be
the child shows their affection for the other
a good idea to ask the child for ideas about what
parent or the other parent’s new partner.
might make the exchange go more smoothly.
Although you don’t want to put your child in the Some common strategies to make transitions
position of having to make the final decisions, easier include:
asking for an opinion can be a good idea. • making the transitions happen at “natural”
Some children might need help talking about breaks, such as before or after school or outside
what they do and don’t like during an exchange. activity or as part of a visit to a grandparent or
You can start this conversation by asking your other relative (if these are stress-free)
child what they think about or how they feel just • using notes, emails, faxes, or separate phone
before and just after an exchange. You might also calls about school, activities, health, or special
ask what they would change—or what should events to avoid an argument
stay the same. • finding new ways to transfer clothes and toys,
If you need more information about what such as having parents pick up or drop off
makes exchanges difficult, or how to deal with a suitcases while the child is in school
child who struggles with exchanges, there are a • addressing each parent’s lingering anger,
lot of good books, and some videos, about how sadness, or other unresolved feelings about
children deal with divorce and what their parents the divorce through separate therapy or other
can do to make things easier. (Check the counseling services.
chapter 4 | how to negotiate a parenting agreement | 55
Consider a Highly Structured Parenting Plan and one to please the other. When these
Some parents find it nearly impossible to arrangements become a way of life, the child
manage their parenting arrangements without may feel as though his or her needs are not
an argument. Sometimes, the only solution being seen, respected, or met by either parent.
to this problem is to create a highly detailed Sometimes, children in this situation will go so
and structured parenting plan that is almost far as to develop a completely different way of
impossible to misunderstand. These agreements living and relating to others in each home.
ensure that very little is left to chance. This Carla Garrity and Mitchell Baris (Caught in
also means that there is little, if any, room for the Middle, Lexington Books, 1994) discuss
making changes, unless the parents sit down a similar approach that they call “demarcated
(preferably with a mediator’s, counselor’s, or joint custody.” With this approach, each
attorney’s help) to overhaul the agreement. parent is given decision-making authority for
Professionals recommend a number of separate issues. For example, one parent may
different strategies for helping high-conflict make all of the medical care and education-
families live with a particular parenting plan. related decisions, and the other might make the
decisions about religious training and summer
One way to reduce conflict between parents is
activities. The advantage of this approach is
to try “parallel parenting.” With this approach,
that each parent has a direct and important
the child has two clearly defined (and often
role to play in their child’s upbringing—while
completely separate) worlds—each defined by
minimizing the chances that either will feel as
one of the parents. Parents then try to make at
though the other has crossed into forbidden
least some elements of each world consistent
territory. The downside, of course, is that not
(such as following the same daily routines,
all issues are as cleanly divided as they might
using the same child care provider, or having
seem. If you consider the example described
at least two or three of the same house rules),
above, you can see that these parents will find
no matter where the child is. Parents can use
it difficult to figure out who can decide about
this strategy to lessen the number and intensity
summer school if their child has a special
of their arguments by spelling out each item
educational aptitude or need.
in detail and arranging to almost never be
in the same place at the same time. The only
purpose for the parents to be together would
be to renegotiate an element of the agreement,
Knowing Where to
possibly with the help of a mediator, counselor, Get Help and Support
or attorney.
Regular and intense conflict creates significant
The parallel parenting approach can work well problems for everyone. Though the long-term
in the short term while the level of conflict is hope is that you and the other parent will come
high. For the long term, however, this arrange to understand how to minimize—or prevent—
ment can cause other problems. In cases regular conflict, that process can take time. In
where the differences between the homes are the meantime, it can help to learn more about
great, and the animosity between the parents what causes conflict, find new problem-solving
remains extremely high (or is regularly boiling strategies, and get hands-on help from trained
just under the surface), children can feel that professionals.
they lead two lives—one to please one parent,
56 | building a parenting agreement that works
Where to Begin........................................................................................................................................... 62
Cooperate! Cooperate! Cooperate!.................................................................................................. 63
Get Outside Help....................................................................................................................................... 63
Keep Your Agreement Current.......................................................................................................... 64
62 | building a parenting agreement that works
from other books, professionals, and various at least one major change in their parenting
information sources. arrangements within the first three years after
The parenting agreement in this book does separation or divorce. Changes might also be
not conform to any specific court’s filing appropriate if a parent moves, if work schedules
requirements. In some jurisdictions, you can change significantly, or if a child wants to live
attach your completed worksheet to the court’s with the other parent.
standard form and it will be included in your The agreement in this book covers the
court order. If you are getting a divorce or broadest spectrum of issues that might be
legal separation, you must check with your addressed in a parenting agreement. Some
local court, the law library, or a forms service, of these issues may not be relevant to you
paralegal, or attorney to find out whether your now or ever; some may become relevant over
agreement must be prepared in a special way to time. For example, if you have preschool
be filed with the court. children, you may not want to spend time now
In addition, because your parenting decisions deciding about owning and operating a motor
may have significant legal consequences, vehicle. Similarly, if neither parent is in a new
consider having a family law or matrimonial relationship, planning for how to handle new
attorney review your agreement. The attorney partners may not make sense. Both of these
can make sure your agreement conforms to issues, however, might become important later.
your state’s laws regarding child custody and You and the other parent should periodically
visitation, that it says what you want it to say, review your agreement to see if changes are
and that it accomplishes your objectives. necessary. Issue 25, Making Routine Changes,
Your agreement, by itself, will not be lets you build a review schedule into your
enforceable the way a business contract is agreement.
enforceable. However, an attorney can help you Also, keep this book handy for when you
turn the agreement into an enforceable court want to make changes. Your goal is to create
order. a workable parenting agreement now, and to
anticipate the need for changes as time goes on.
Agreements that contemplate future changes
Keep Your are better able to respond to your family’s
changing needs, circumstances, or concerns.
Agreement Current The earlier you address a request for a change,
Few parents negotiate a single agreement the greater chance you have of keeping conflict
that stands, unchanged, until their children to a minimum. ●
reach adulthood. In fact, many parents make
6
C H A P T E R
Basic Elements
Issue 7: Insurance....................................................................................................................................... 85
Issue 8: Making Decisions...................................................................................................................... 87
The Parents Reach Agreement..................................................................................................... 89
Parent With Primary Care Decides and Informs the Other Parent.......................... 89
Parent With Primary Care Makes Decisions......................................................................... 89
Parents Choose Another Adult to Make Decisions.......................................................... 90
Issue 9: Resolving Disputes................................................................................................................... 90
The Primary Caretaker Has Authority...................................................................................... 90
Resolve Hidden Conflicts................................................................................................................. 92
Use a Counselor, Therapist, or Attorney................................................................................. 92
Develop Temporary Agreements................................................................................................ 92
Parent A/Parent B Plan..................................................................................................................... 92
Mediate Disagreements.................................................................................................................... 93
Arbitrate Disagreements.................................................................................................................. 93
Issue 10: Labeling the Custody Arrangement............................................................................. 94
Sole Custody........................................................................................................................................... 94
Joint Custody.......................................................................................................................................... 96
Split Custody.......................................................................................................................................... 96
Third-Party Custody........................................................................................................................... 96
CHAPTER 6 | BASIC ELEMENTS | 67
Short-Term Provision
Long-Term Provision
Sometimes, changing the way you view the live with their other parent on weekends and
parenting agreement and living arrangement is as holidays.
simple as changing the words you use. In Mom’s “Visiting” parents are sometimes accused of
House, Dad’s House, by Dr. Isolina Ricci (Macmillan becoming the fun or party parent. The reasons
Publishing, 1998), the author recommends that some visiting parents adopt this role are as varied
parents and children describe the time spent as the people who live with these arrangements.
with each parent as “living” with that parent. Some visiting parents are so starved for time
Furthermore, she points out that when parents with their children that they try to cram every
and children describe their arrangements to conceivable activity into short periods of time.
others, they should acknowledge that they have Some parents miss the giving that is part of daily
two families, one with each parent. If at all possible, caretaking, and compensate with gifts that are
avoid the notion that children live with one parent more frequent, more expensive, and sometimes
and just visit the other. By making one parent problematic.
the everyday parent and one parent the visiting Although no one can fault parents who seldom
parent, you run the risk that you and your children see their children for wanting to make every
will either resent or exploit the lopsided roles and minute count, their relationships with their
relationships that follow. children will be far more balanced and fulfilling
“Everyday” parents are sometimes viewed (and if they can intersperse fun activities with the
often view themselves) as the one responsible for routines of everyday life. Familiar, daily routines
the day-to-day realities of child rearing. As a result, often provide openings for conversations about
it is easy to assume that the everyday parent is thoughts and feelings. If all visits are filled with
the only “real” parent. Some everyday parents activities, the parent and children will have
prefer to control all substantive aspects of their few opportunities to “talk” and are apt to drift
child’s life. Others feel overwhelmed and taken apart. As a result, visiting parents often become
advantage of because they miss out on relaxation “special,” but less significant, influences in their
times with the kids, especially if the children children’s lives.
• Alternating weekends (Friday 6 p.m. to and a portion of the summer. This allows
Sunday 6 p.m.), weekly midweek overnight for some geographic distance between the
(Wednesday 5 p.m. to Thursday, start of homes, but may require both parents to
school). This arrangement allows eight live in the same school district.
overnights in 28 days, provides no more • Live in home “A” and visit other parent for
than six days between visits with the NCP, short or daytime visits only. This accom
and allows the NCP to maintain involve modates extreme geographic distance
ment with homework assignments and or situations where violence, abuse, or
school activities. The transitions at school neglect require limited and/or supervised
times help avoid conflict. The NCP has visitation.
an opportunity for bedtime and morning
rituals on school days, and the custodial Dual Residences
parent has midweek evenings off duty.
Some families prefer to have their children live
• Alternating weekends (Friday 6 p.m. to
with each parent for extended periods of time,
Monday at school), weekly midweek over
or to divide their time almost equally between
night (Wednesday 5 p.m. to Thursday 7 a.m.).
the two homes. Again, there are many possible
This arrangement allows ten overnights in variations. These living arrangements require
28 days, provides no more than six days extensive coordination between the parents
between visits with the NCP, and allows and a willingness to encounter each other and
longer weekends for the NCP. any new partners. Dr. Kelly’s examples of this
For infants and toddlers, where the child has type of arrangement follow, together with other
a minimal relationship with the noncustodial variations on this theme.
parent, the arrangements may be quite differ • Monday afternoon to Wednesday a.m. with
ent. For example, you might consider: Parent A, Wednesday p.m. to Friday a.m.
• Two to three weekly contacts for two to with Parent B, alternating weekends, Friday
three hours each; Saturday or Sunday visits to Monday a.m. with each parent. This
gradually expanded to six hours each as arrangement allows 14 overnights per
the child gains security; overnight visits 28 days with each parent; all transitions
added approximately six to 12 months after can be managed through school or day
visitation starts as child is secure. care; the routine for weekday overnights
Other single primary residence options are as remains fixed.
follows: • Monday a.m. to Wednesday a.m. with Parent
• Live in home “A” except for alternating week A, Wednesday a.m. to Friday a.m. with
ends, alternating holidays, and a portion Parent B, each weekend is split (Friday p.m.
of the summer. This option allows some to Saturday p.m. with one parent, Saturday
geographic distance and accommodates p.m. to Monday a.m. with other parent). This
parents who don’t get along too well, or arrangement allows 14 overnights per 28
children who don’t want or need more days; the time apart from either parent
frequent contact. never exceeds three days; transitions are
• Live in home “A” except for midweek over more frequent.
nights, most weekends, alternating holidays,
72 | building a parenting agreement that works
For infants or toddlers who are attached to Children Live With Someone
both parents: Other Than a Parent
• Tuesday and Thursday 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. For some families, it makes sense for the
and Saturday 10 a.m. to Sunday 10 a.m. children to live with an adult other than a
/ or Tuesday 4 p.m. to Wednesday 9 a.m., parent. This third adult may also have custody
Thursday 4 p.m. to 7 p.m. and Saturday of the children or may be appointed their
5 p.m. to Sunday 5 p.m. This arrangement guardian.
allows frequent contact throughout the If you use this option, make sure your parent
week; overnights become a regular activity. ing agreement specifies the arrangements. The
Other dual-residence arrangements are as more specific you are, the more everyone will
follows: understand their responsibilities to the children
• Children alternate living in home “A” and “B” and to each other. For example, choosing to
at approximately equal intervals such as every have the children live with a grandparent might
week, two weeks, a month, or six months. be a good idea if the parents are struggling to
This requires homes in close proximity, finance separate apartments, looking for jobs,
especially if children are school age. and have substance-abuse problems. Just be
• Children live in home “A” during the week sure to specify how each parent will maintain a
and in home “B” on the weekends. This relationship with the children.
option allows somewhat more geographic
distance. Bird Nesting
• During the school term, the children live Bird nesting means that the children remain
in home “A” during the week and in home in one home and the parents alternate moving
“B” on the weekends. In the summer, the in and out. The parents might have separate
children live in home “B” during the week homes, sleep at a friend’s house, or stay with a
and in home “A” on weekends. This option relative.
will work only if there is a moderate Bird nesting is not chosen often, but it can
geographic distance between the parents’ be good for infants or very young children
homes, and it won’t work if the children in particular. It requires an unusual degree of
attend school year-round. coordination and cooperation between the
parents and can be expensive if each parent
maintains another home. And, you must be
clear about who will make decisions about
the layout, furnishing, and routines of the
household.
chapter 6 | basic elements | 73
It used to be quite common that after a Researchers have tried to assess the impact
separation or divorce fathers were minimally on children when one parent, generally the
involved in, or absent from, their children’s lives. father, leaves the home and does not maintain
Some reasons given to explain this phenomenon significant ongoing relationships. Their findings
include: range from intensified separation anxiety,
• the bias in the legal system to award the poor grades or substantially below-ability
mother custody performance, aggression toward parents, and
• fathers feeling powerless to control how their diminished self-concepts to long-term anger,
children are raised when they live with the depression, and juvenile and adult criminal
mother behavior.
• fathers resenting being treated as the “cash Fathers’ rights advocates, as well as joint
cow” (“mother stays, father pays”) custody advocates, insist that many of these
problems would be resolved if both parents
• vague court orders for “reasonable” visitation,
had a substantial role in their children’s lives—
allowing custodial mothers considerable
especially after a separation or divorce. Today,
latitude to limit the amount of time fathers
more fathers share custody of their children, and
spend with their children, thereby eroding the
there is a growing awareness of the importance of
parent-child relationship as contact becomes
the father’s continuing role in a child’s life after a
increasingly limited and sporadic
separation or divorce.
• men earning more in the workplace, making
them less available for full-time parenting
arrangements.
74 | building a parenting agreement that works
For some parents, staying in the same commu When these issues become especially conten
nity, or nearby, is difficult. For example, it may tious, courts often turn to experts to help them
be difficult for parents to encounter each other gather the information they need to make a
around town, work may be hard to find, a parent decision. This may mean that the family will be
may want to live closer to extended family, a new required to meet with a social worker, counselor,
partner or spouse may need or want to move out or another professional who will evaluate the
of the area, or the parent may choose to attend situation and then advise the judge about what
school elsewhere. Whenever a parent plans to the evaluator feels is best for the children. Some
move, children’s living arrangements and need times the court will appoint a lawyer to represent
to remain connected with each parent must be just the children. This is often the case when the
considered carefully. judge either cannot tell which parent is seeing
The legal issues can be especially difficult. their children’s best interests clearly, or the
State laws—and sometimes court decisions— judge decides that neither parent is effectively
take into account the children’s current living representing their children’s interests in the legal
arrangements, the quality of their relationship battle.
with the other parent, and their connections As always, if you and the other parent can
to other family members and the community. work out these issues between you, your children
Regardless of where the guidelines for making will be better able to handle the changes that
these decisions come from, when the parents follow. You will find more information on several
cannot agree, these issues are often decided by important aspects of this question in other
a court. sections of this book. For example, you will find
Sometimes the law or a court will allow the information on:
parent who has the children most of the time • recording your agreement regarding any moves
to choose where they will live, and how far away in Chapter 9, Issue 33
from the other parent the children will move. • helping your children to stay in touch with a
Other states require a parent who wants the distant parent in Chapter 9, Issue 37
children to move someplace that is far away • resolving your conflict outside of court in
from their other parent to prove that it is in the Chapter 11
children’s best interests to do so. Alternatively,
• understanding your children’s needs in
state laws may require that the children live
Chapter 13
primarily with the parent who is staying unless
• state and federal laws in Chapter 16, and
the moving parent can show that a change in
custody might be harmful. • working with the various professionals that
you choose or that the court appoints in
One way or another, courts can force parents
Chapter 17.
to either stay in their original communities (or
that general area), or to leave the children with
the parent who will remain.
chapter 6 | basic elements | 75
Emergency Care
Issue 2 Cross-References
Worksheet Questions
Clearly state how much authority each parent
has to seek treatment in a medical emergency. If
Worksheet 3 4, 8
the children spend a fair amount of time with
Worksheet 4 3, 6
both of you, you will probably want to allow
either parent to obtain emergency treatment
without first consulting the other. If you choose
Choose Health Care Providers to restrict a parent’s authority to seek emergency
When parents live in the same city or relatively treatment, the parent who must make, or be
close to each other, they often agree on the consulted about, emergency decisions must
primary medical, dental, or mental health include a medical release during visits with
care provider for their children. If you and the the other parent, or be available at a moment’s
other parent live farther away from each other, notice.
however, it makes sense for each of you to find
providers for your children so that they can Ongoing Medical, Dental,
receive care wherever they are. Exchange names,
or Vision Care
addresses, phone numbers, and releases of the
separate providers so they can share records Some children have medical or physical condi
and information. Your doctor should be able to tions (such as diabetes, a physical disability,
provide you with a release form. poor vision, or periodontal disease) that require
attention for months, years, or even the rest of
their lives. In these situations, you must decide
76 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS
_____ Our children will receive the following vision care [specify]:
whether medications, physical supports, or them for care and companionship. Second, the
enhancements (such as crutches or prosthetics) critical parent conveys, quite clearly, that their
will be kept in each home or will travel with the children cannot express love or admiration for
children. the other parent in that home. Children often
grow to resent and distrust the critical parent
for interfering in the children’s other important
Issue 3: Negative Comments relationships.
or Remarks you can read Chapter 4 for more information
on handling high-conflict situations and under-
you won’t help your situation or make things standing the negative and alienating effects that
easier for your children if you criticize the other these types of behaviors can have on parent-
parent or a new partner or lifestyle. however child relationships.
critical children may be of their parents, most
children love and revere them and don’t want to
Issue 3 Cross-References
hear negative remarks.
Worksheet Questions
a parent who makes disparaging remarks
Worksheet 1 4
about the other in the children’s hearing creates
Worksheet 2 6, 7, 8
two serious problems. first, the critical parent
Worksheet 3 5, 6, 7, 11
weakens the children’s relationship with the
Worksheet 4 3, 4, 5, 7, 12, 15
other parent. This can make it difficult for the
children to live with the other parent and rely on
____ If either of us has a discipline issue with our children, that parent will explain
the issue and response to the other so we can be consistent in our discipline.
____ If our children complain about discipline in the other parent’s home, we will
encourage them to talk about it with the other parent.
____ If we cannot agree on discipline standards that will apply in both homes, we
will make an effort to understand and respect the other’s right to establish
behavior rules for our children.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
chapter 6 | basic elements | 79
Holidays
#___ Holidays
_____ This agreement covers the following holidays:
_____ We will both celebrate the following holidays with our children:
_____ Our children will always spend the following holidays with
[parent]:
_____ We will plan for holidays as they come up. We will decide where the children will
spend their holidays at least [specify time, such as two weeks or
one month] in advance.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
chapter 6 | basic elements | 81
Education
#___ Education
_____ Our children will attend [choose one]:
____ public school
____ private school
____ home school
_____ We will pay for any private or home school as follows [specify]:
_____ Any decision to change schools will be made as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ If we agree.
____ After consulting our children.
____ After consulting with [parent].
____ Only [parent] may
change our children’s enrollment in a particular school.
_____ Any decisions to support our children’s special educational needs or talents will be
made as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ If we agree.
____ After consulting our children.
____ After consulting with [parent].
____ Only [parent] may
decide how to support our children’s special educational needs.
_____ We will participate in parent associations as follows [choose one]:
____ Either parent may participate.
____ Only one parent may participate at a time.
____ [parent] will
participate.
_____ We will participate in the classroom as follows [choose one]:
____ Either parent may participate.
____ Only one parent may participate at a time.
____ [parent] will
participate.
_____ We will participate in parent-chaperoned events as follows [choose one]:
____ Either parent may participate.
____ Only one parent may participate at a time.
____ [parent] will
participate.
_____ We will attend parent-teacher or other school conferences as follows [choose one]:
____ Both will attend.
____ Each will schedule a meeting with the teacher or other school official.
CHAPTER 6 | BASIC ELEMENTS | 83
We will encourage good school performance as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ After discussion and agreement.
____ After consultation with our children.
____ With the following rewards:
_____ Our children [check one] may may not attend sex education classes at school.
[parent] will notify the school of this decision.
_____ Our children’s education after high school will be paid for as follows [specify]:
_____ Any decisions regarding our children’s options for education after high school will be
made as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ By agreement between parents and children.
____ Based on the children’s interest and ability to be accepted at a particular school.
____ Based on what we can afford.
____ Other [specify]:
as schools that emphasize art, science, or If your children have special needs or talents,
math). Other school districts allow parents and consider:
students to choose from more than one school • requesting support from their current
in the district. school
If you decide on private school, you will • supplementing the school resources with
have to decide on what kind of school you private tutors, counselors, or after-school
want. Private schools come in all sizes and activities, or
configurations. You can choose from parochial, • switching schools.
secular, single-sex, or coed schools. Some
private schools allow students to live at home;
Participating in School Activities
others require them to live in residence on the
campus. You and the other parent must agree on who
will:
If a parent is willing and able to commit to
full-time teaching, then home schooling is • participate in any parent-teacher
also an option. Home schooling requires an associations
enormous commitment by one or both parents, • help in the children’s classroom
and the curriculum must adhere to state • attend parent-chaperoned functions, or
educational standards. • attend other similar activities.
To decide what school is best for your chil
dren, you must consider their academic and Parent-Teacher Conferences
social needs and preferences. If their schooling
You and the other parent must decide who
will cost money, you must put aside adequate
will attend parent-teacher conferences. Some
funds. Specify the arrangement in both your
parents attend together, some designate one
parenting agreement and child support agree
to attend and inform the other parent of the
ment, and make sure the decision is the same in
matters discussed, and some opt for separate
both places.
conferences.
You can plan now for how decisions will be
made if either parent or the children want a
Emergency Contact Forms
change of schools. You can establish criteria
(such as the child attaining certain skills or You and the other parent must determine who
staying within a budget), or specify who will be will be listed on the school’s emergency contact
authorized to make the change. forms and in what order these persons will be
listed. The school will also need to know who
has authority to make medical decisions in the
Supporting Special Needs event of an emergency. (See Issue 2 earlier in
or Talents this chapter.)
Some children need help with certain skills or
subjects. Others have special talents that can be Encouraging Good Performance
cultivated by extra classes or activities. Parents
Parents often disagree about how to encourage
need to be sensitive to these possibilities, as well
good school performance or what the
as to the children’s changing needs.
consequences should be for poor performance.
chapter 6 | basic elements | 85
Insurance
#___ Insurance
_____ Our children’s medical insurance will be provided as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ We both will obtain coverage if it is affordable through an employer.
____ We will share the costs of any uncovered expenses as follows [specify]:
____ [parent]
will obtain coverage up to $_____________ under the following conditions
[choose all that apply]:
____ Type of coverage:
____ Named beneficiaries:
____ [parent]
will obtain coverage up to $_____________ under the following conditions
[choose all that apply]:
____ Type of coverage:
____ Named beneficiaries:
_____ We will obtain life insurance coverage as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ We both will obtain coverage if it is affordable through an employer.
____ [parent]
will obtain coverage up to $_____________ under the following conditions
[choose all that apply]:
____ Type of coverage:
____ Named beneficiaries:
CHAPTER 6 | BASIC ELEMENTS | 87
____ [parent]
will obtain coverage up to $_____________ under the following conditions
[choose all that apply]:
____ Type of coverage:
____ Named beneficiaries:
Issue 8: Making Decisions you can take some of the guesswork out of the
decision-making process by building a sound
when parents are married or living together, decision-making framework. to build this kind
they work out their own system for making of framework, ask and answer the following
decisions. only rarely does a court or other questions for each decision that must be made:
outsider, such as a therapist or physician, get • What will this decision accomplish?
involved in either the process or the actual
• Who will gain by the decision?
decision.
• Who might lose by this decision?
when parents separate or divorce, however,
• Whose needs will be met by this decision?
they have to figure out how the big and little
decisions affecting their children will be made, • How will I know that this decision has
and who will make them. The question of who accomplished my objectives?
makes decisions is especially relevant if either take, for example, the need to choose
or both parents have new partners. parents also between two schools for your children. your
have to accept that only the larger decisions answers to the above questions might go
can be made in advance. most decisions will be something like this:
made as the issues arise. • What will this decision accomplish?
Good decisions are based on your values (“The school will provide a good college
and needs and should take into consideration preparatory education.”)
your children’s values and needs as well. Good • Who will gain by the decision? (“Our
decisions stand the test of time because they children will gain a good education.”)
benefit everyone involved. whenever possible, • Who might lose by this decision? (“We
the advantages of a decision should outweigh will lose money if we choose an expensive
the disadvantages for everyone concerned. private school. if we select a public school
88 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS
Making Decisions
where only one of us lives, the parent who There are basically four models for making
doesn’t reside in that district may lose decisions, each with its own advantages and
weekday contact with the children.”) disadvantages:
• Whose needs will be met by this decision? • the parents reach an agreement
(“our children’s needs will be met and • one parent decides and later informs the
should come first, but we must be able to other
afford any private school and have money • one parent decides but need not tell the
left over to continue other important other, or
activities.”)
• another responsible adult (such as a
• How will I know that this decision has grandparent, aunt, or close family friend)
accomplished my objectives? (“we will has the authority to make decisions.
see the children’s grades and test scores
improve, and the school counselor will be
confident that the children have a good
chance of getting into a good college.”)
chapter 6 | basic elements | 89
Resolving Disputes
When parents cannot resolve their parenting can be expensive and time-consuming. More
issues, they can take the issue to court. Courts important, the judge making the decision will
will not decide what clothes your children can not know you or your children and will have little
wear to school, which friends they can spend time to hear the matter and make a decision. As
time with, or what sports they can play. A court, a result, you risk getting a decision that is less
however, will decide who has authority to make sensitive to your particular needs than if you
decisions affecting your children, where your and the other parent reached an agreement on
children will live, and how they will spend time your own. Furthermore, if you already have a
with both parents. court order, a court will not modify it unless you
Most parents and professionals use the court as show that there has been a substantial change in
a last resort for resolving disputes. Going to court circumstances.
92 | building a parenting agreement that works
and give the other parent similar authority for reach an agreement on your own, or bring the
different issues. recommendation into mediation.
To put some limits on the parent with Another option is for each of you to consult
decision-making authority, you could require with an attorney—or meet with one attorney
that the parent consult with someone whose together—to get information. (Be aware that
opinions both parents value, such as a counselor, many lawyers refuse to meet with both parties
religious leader, or family member, before in a divorce dispute.) Many parents want to
making a final decision. Even when parents know “what the law says” before they make a
cannot agree about something, they can often decision. For example, if your state requires
agree on whose advice they will trust and follow. that a noncustodial parent be given a certain
minimum amount of visitation, consulting
Resolve Hidden Conflicts an attorney might help you by guiding your
decision about where the children will live
You can try to “get underneath” a problem by
(Issue 1), holidays (Issue 5), and vacations
trying to understand why there is a problem
(Issue 14).
in the first place. Mental health professionals
are especially skilled at this and can often
help parents who regularly battle over certain Develop Temporary Agreements
things to untangle the issues and develop a Mistrust lurks around most parenting agree
plan for solving them over the longer term. ments. Sometimes it helps to take baby steps
Regular conflicts over exact pickup and dropoff before trying big ones. Parents fighting over big
times, or whether visits over school holidays decisions might try making decisions on simple
should start at the end of school on Friday or issues for a short time. Hopefully this will
some other time, may have to do with larger improve their ability to communicate, resolve
underlying issues. For example, some parents conflicts, and ultimately make decisions on
want to make sure that visitation schedules do more controversial questions.
not vary more than a few hours one way or the For example, you might agree to make
other so that the child support amounts won’t decisions about outside activities together for
change. Other times, parents will refuse to allow three months before trying to tackle larger
a later or earlier pickup time because they want decisions. Then you might be ready to tackle
to “teach” the other parent to be on time (in a larger decisions, like who will provide after-
way that they were not during the marriage, for school care, and then even larger decisions, like
example). which schools your children will attend.
Issue 10 Cross-References
Issue 10: Labeling the Worksheet Questions
Custody Arrangement Worksheet 1 3, 4, 5, 8
Worksheet 2 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Living arrangements and custody labels are two
Worksheet 3 1, 3, 4, 7, 8, 9, 11
different issues. You described your children’s
actual living arrangement in Issue 1. Here you Worksheet 4 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 13, 14, 15
In general, a judge will guarantee a parent’s right • a parent is not related to the children by blood
to spend time with his or her children and a or legal adoption—such as a stepparent or
parent’s obligation to care for and support his same-sex coparent (your parenting agreement,
or her children. Furthermore, in most states, however, can treat step- or coparents the same
custody laws are gender-neutral. This means that as parents), or
neither parent is presumed to be more fit simply • the contact would be harmful to the children.
because that parent is a mother or a father. A In extreme cases, a court can terminate a
few states retain one exception to this, called the person’s parental rights—usually after finding
“tender years” doctrine. In these states, a court that the parent has abandoned the children
may assume that very young children should live or engages in behavior highly damaging to
with their mothers whenever possible. the children. If you are named in a hearing to
A parent could be denied contact with his or terminate your parental rights, you will have the
her children if the judge rules that: right to defend yourself—in many states, you will
• a parent is legally incompetent (even then, the have the right to an appointed attorney if you
court may permit supervised visitation) cannot afford one yourself.
96 | building a parenting agreement that works
schedule, the easier your plan will be to live All states allow parents to choose joint
with. The decisions you make here should also custody arrangements. A small number of states
be consistent with the decisions you make in permit courts to order joint custody even over
Issue 18 (Maintaining Contact). the objections of a parent. (Your state’s rules on
joint custody are spelled out in Chapter 16.)
caution
A sole custody arrangement does not Split Custody
exempt the noncustodial parent from paying child Split custody, where children are separated
support. In fact, in most states a parent will pay (some are placed with one parent and some
more support when that parent spends minimal with the other parent), is not recommended
time with the children.
except under special circumstances. Such
circumstances include:
• a history of irreconcilable conflict between
Joint Custody
a parent and one or more of the children
Most parents who choose to make decisions
• incest or violence between the children, or
together (Issue 8) choose joint custody or
• children with different fathers or mothers.
joint legal custody (if their state differentiates
between legal and physical custody). Joint legal Unfortunately, some parents split custody
custody can mean anything from consulting because it makes each of them feel as though
each other on any decision more important they have “won.” If this is your reason for
than the clothes to be worn to school, to considering it, be careful. Often, the bond
consulting only on major issues such as whether between siblings is the only reliable support
to allow underage children to marry. system children have after their parents separate
or divorce. Eliminating it can have very serious
Joint physical custody agreements can also
consequences, even if the children have only
vary widely. The most common joint physical
one parent in common.
custody awards specify that the children:
Consult a mental health professional before
• spend equal time with each parent
splitting custody of your children. If you still
• spend the school year with one parent and
decide to opt for it, schedule a lot of time that
the summer with the other, or
your children can be together.
• live primarily with one parent and spend
weekly midweek visits or overnights,
Third-Party Custody
weekends, and half of the holidays and
summer vacation with the other parent. Some parents are unwilling or unable to care
for their children. The parents may be children
For joint custody to succeed, you and the
themselves or may be undergoing psychiatric,
other parent must be willing to work together
substance-abuse, or physical rehabilitation.
to make decisions, without using your children
No matter what the reason, if you are in this
as either a weapon or an excuse. Your joint
situation you will have to choose a third person,
custody arrangements will have a greater chance
such as a grandparent or other relative, to care
of success if you specify clearly how decisions
for your children. You must specify how you
will be made and how your children will share
and the other parent will spend time with your
time with each of you.
chapter 6 | basic elements | 97
children, and how you will regain custody of it is hard to prove that there is a good reason
your children. to change guardianship back, especially if the
You should know that you might find it guardianship has been in place for some time.
difficult to reestablish your parenting role For this reason, it is very important that you
with your children if you have created a get legal advice before deciding to give up the
voluntary guardianship. In some situations, guardianship of your children to someone else.
●
7
C H A P T E R
Finishing Touches
Exchanging Information
to rehash the adult issues. Though it may be in the middle by having them carry messages.
important to discuss adult issues, it should be You and the other parent must find a way to
separated from exchanging information about keep each other informed without passing
your children. It’s too easy to get sidetracked messages through your children.
and forget to discuss your children and their Children are apt to forget, distort, or
needs if you are trying to work out your adult misunderstand your message. Children also
issues at the same time. Also, some parents use soon resent the role and cringe when they
information exchanges about the children as a deliver a message that the other parent doesn’t
chance to criticize or pry into the other’s new want to hear. Some children may temporarily
life, partner, or activities. When this happens, like the power of being the “information
the children’s interests suffer or are forgotten highway,” but that soon fades. If you need
altogether. to change plans, collect child support, find
Parents often need to find new ways to com out about the other parent’s activities, or
municate effectively. Below are a few options understand what discipline is being used in the
to consider for your parenting agreement. You other parent’s home, communicate with the
can choose more than one option. That way, other parent directly.
when things are going well you can use one
method, and then use a different one when Establish a Businesslike
communication is difficult. Relationship
For additional help, consider the following: Many therapists, mediators, counselors, and
• review Chapter 4 on negotiations attorneys know that the relationship between
• evaluate your agreement to see whether it parents has to change from intimate partners to
addresses everyone’s needs business partners to let hostilities cool. Parents
• get help from a mediator or counselor, or who have been through this can tell you how
• consult with any other third party whose difficult that change can be. Nevertheless, the
opinion you respect. strategies for bringing this new relationship
The more ideas you can generate to solve about are fairly simple.
problems, the better. You and the other parent must learn to make
your conversations brief, focused only on the
children, and courteous. You must make an
Issue 11 Cross-References
effort to inform each other about the little
Worksheet Questions
things, such as what your children have been
Worksheet 1 8
doing for fun or have accomplished recently,
Worksheet 2 6, 8 as well as the significant information about
Worksheet 3 3, 4, 5, 7, 9, 10, 11 illnesses, behavior, special events, and report
Worksheet 4 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 13, 14, 15 cards.
If things don’t go well when you talk in
person, consider scheduling telephone calls. If
Don’t Put Your that doesn’t work, exchange notes through the
Children in the Middle mail, via email, at a convenient drop-off loca
One of the worst mistakes you can make—and tion or, as a last resort (and only if your children
lots of parents make it—is to put your children can’t read yet), in your children’s suitcase.
chapter 7 | finishing touches | 103
Child Care
_____ Each parent will call the other first to care for the children in that parent’s absence.
_____ We will try to share child care responsibilities with neighbors and friends.
_____ Our children can care for themselves, but
[other adult] will check in with them.
_____ Our children can care for themselves as long as they follow these rules:
• follow basic safety rules regarding strangers or other relative or friend may have already
who call or come to the door been a frequent care provider. Sometimes this
• respond in an appropriate manner to person can continue to provide care after the
medical or other emergencies separation or divorce. in other families, finding
• provide responsible care for siblings child care providers that are acceptable to both
parents is more difficult. you may need to be
• follow your rules for when friends may
very persistent to find the right caregiver.
visit, and
• follow your rules for using the telephone,
watching television, using the internet, Issue 12 Cross-References
and so on. Worksheet Questions
Worksheet 1 3, 6, 7, 8
if you decide that at least some adult-
supervised child care will be necessary, you Worksheet 2 4, 5, 6, 8
should deal with this issue in your parenting Worksheet 3 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 9, 10
agreement. in some families, a grandparent Worksheet 4 3, 4, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15
chapter 7 | finishing touches | 105
_____ We will attend special occasions and family events together whenever possible.
_____ We will attend special occasions and family events as our children wish.
_____ We will attend special occasions and family events as we decide.
_____ [parent] will attend the
following special occasions and family events:
Vacations
#___ Vacations
_____ We will inform each other at least [period of time] in advance
of any planned vacation.
_____ We will provide each other with an itinerary of any trip, and contact information.
_____ Our children may accompany one of us on a vacation under the following
conditions:
____ Any time missed from a regularly scheduled visit
with the other parent will be made up as follows:
Issue 15: Outside Activities make sense to decide in advance what types of
activities you will encourage, discourage, insist
Scheduling a child’s outside activities can on, or prohibit altogether.
become more complicated during a separation
or divorce. participating in team sports may Issue 15 Cross-References
conflict with visitation schedules or other
Worksheet Questions
scheduled family time. it is also possible that
Worksheet 1 2, 3, 5
one parent might not approve of a child’s
Worksheet 2 1, 4, 5, 7
interests—like possibly dangerous contact
Worksheet 3 3, 4
sports—or insist on certain activities such as
bible study, bar mitzvah preparation, or extra Worksheet 4 3, 4, 8, 9, 10
academic classes. for these reasons, it may
CHAPTER 7 | FINISHING TOUCHES | 109
Outside Activities
_____ Our children may not participate in [list all appropriate activities]:
_____ We will make decisions about which activities our children may participate in as
follows:
____ By consensus agreement.
____ [parent’s name] may make decisions
about [fill in the blank] activities.
____ [parent’s name] may make decisions
about [fill in the blank] activities.
_____ We will use the decision-making process outlined in issue # [fill in the right
number from your completed agreement. This section refers to Issue Number 8 in
Chapter 6 called “Making Decisions”].
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
to allow the children to visit at their other the schedule, particularly if it is new or
parent’s home. If you choose this arrangement, irregular. Some children worry a good deal
you will need to decide where the parent will about going to the right home after school or
stay, how travel expenses will be allocated, and getting in trouble for making a mistake.
which parent will participate in the children’s Difficult transitions should not persist,
activities. however. If they continue for more than a
couple of months after you set your parenting
Parent Brings Children to agreement in motion, you should look for
Other Parent and Leaves a deeper cause. Often, persistently difficult
With this option, one parent takes the children transitions indicate that there are larger, more
to the other parent’s home, and then vacations troubling issues that deserve some time and
or visits friends before picking up the children attention. Allowing the difficulties to go on
at the end of the visit. This option probably for long periods of time will only make things
won’t work for other than occasional visits, but worse—possibly damaging your children’s
it can add variety or help one parent out if he or relationships with one or both parents for a
she has vehicle problems. long time to come.
Speak the day or evening before to discuss as giving them uninterrupted time to tell you
necessary information about the children’s about their activities while with the other
health, school, and activities. not only does parent. if you have more than one child, taking
this allow the exchange of the children to be them to a park or the zoo can give each child
brief but it also helps parents exchange vital a chance to talk while the others play. This
information without making the children sit might be especially helpful if your children
around and wait. This is especially useful when have half-siblings or stepsiblings from your new
tension is high. relationship.
through, a book to read or some paper to color handle exchanges better if they are dropped off
on, take this child on a short walk, or find some at the other parent’s home. These are some ways
other low-key activity to do together. to ease the awkwardness of coming together and
the discomfort of separation for both you and
Be Patient When Your your children.
Children Ask Questions
Children have many questions after their
parents go separate ways. Depending on their
Issue 18:
age and temperament, they may ask why you Maintaining Contact
are no longer together, how decisions are being
Neither children nor adults can be in two places
made, how they will be cared for, whether
at one time. Keeping up with your children
they will be able to form lasting intimate
and their interests and activities is important.
relationships as an adult, or any number of
By planning now for how to stay in touch, you
other questions. You can best help your children
ensure that you will maintain, and even deepen,
by hearing and answering their questions
your relationships with your children.
patiently. Eventually, your children’s questions
Maintaining contact with your children
will decrease and their comfort with the
demonstrates your love and support, keeps
situation will increase.
communication channels open, and offers new
Most mental health professionals agree
ways to have fun together—especially if you are
that children don’t really need, or necessarily
creative. Your contact with your children can be
want, to know the intimate details of your
both scheduled and spontaneous. Ideally, you
relationship. Be careful that in answering your
will find a mix that works best for everyone.
children’s questions you don’t burden them
Scheduled contact should occur at regular
with your frustration, anger, or disappointment
times and be convenient for everyone involved.
over your partner’s sexual performance or
Spontaneous contact is, by definition, unsched
compatibility. If they ask, don’t ignore them,
uled, but it should not be disruptive. Parents
but redirect the conversation to a more
can consider the following options to create a
appropriate topic.
happy medium of both scheduled and spur-of-
the-moment contact that can make for rich,
Establish New Rituals well-balanced relationships, regardless of the
Children thrive on routines and love rituals. distance between you and your children.
It’s important to make sure children have some
personal belongings—such as a favorite toy,
Issue 18 Cross-References
outfit, or book—with each exchange. You can
Worksheet Questions
also set aside a small amount of time at the
Worksheet 1 4, 6, 7
beginning and end of each visit for a special
Worksheet 2 1, 4, 5
activity or small ritual. Keep the exchanges
predictable, setting them for approximately the Worksheet 3 4, 5, 6
same time of day, and at fairly regular intervals. Worksheet 4 3, 4, 5
Some children do better making exchanges
in the morning or afternoon. Other children
114 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS
Maintaining Contact
#___ Maintaining Contact When the Children Are With the Other Parent
_____ Our children and [parent] will
make an effort to talk at least every [specify frequency]
as follows:
____ [parent or children] will initiate each call.
____ Calls will be made between and .
____ If either [parent]
or children will be unavailable at the usual time, the unavailable person will
arrange a new time by:
____ calling the other parent
____ sending a note
____ email message
____ other: [specify]
_____ Our children and [parent] will not
call back and forth more than every
[specify] unless something unusual happens or it is a special occasion.
_____ Our children will be given their own telephone line.
____ [parent] will be responsible to teach
telephone rules.
____ [parent or children] will be responsible for
telephone bills.
_____ [parent] and the children can also communicate
by:
____ letter
____ audio- or videotapes
____ email or electronic conferencing
____ other: [specify]
_____ Visits with [parent] will include a midweek
dinner on [day of week] as follows [specify time for exchange]:
Set Up a Contact Schedule calls from the other parent, even for the
brief moment of calling your children to the
Many parents agree to a minimum number of
telephone, can be distasteful. To avoid this,
calls between the children and the other parent.
consider getting your children a cell phone,
For example, you might agree that the parent
separate telephone line, or a line with a different
who doesn’t have the children can initiate
ring, so that when it rings only the children
at least one call per week to the children.
answer.
Many parents allow their children to initiate
additional calls whenever they like, and some If you choose this option, be prepared to
schedule a call every day, often at bedtime. establish ground rules on acceptable telephone
use. Your telephone company may have ideas
In some families, the problem isn’t too little
for regulating telephone use and blocking
communication but too much. Calling a child
certain types of calls (such as 900 numbers).
too frequently may cause problems. If you call
as often as once or twice a day, you may be
communicating that you fear for your children’s Schedule a Midweek Dinner
safety while in the other parent’s care, or that When the parents’ homes are in the same
you are desperately lonely. By pacing your calls, general area, scheduling a regular midweek
you can stay in touch without introducing dinner might be a great way to shorten the time
unnecessary worry or anxiety. If, in fact, you between visits and create a special occasion
are extremely lonely or anxious, discuss the for everyone. If you set up regular midweek
situation with a trusted adviser or mental health dinners, you must specify who will transport
professional. your children, as well as the pickup and dropoff
times. (See Issue 16 earlier in this chapter.)
Set a Regular Contact Time
Some parents forget that calling their children Plan for Contact During Trips
when they are eating dinner, doing homework, Parents need to plan with the other parent for
doing chores, or getting ready for school can how they can stay in touch with their children
be disruptive. To avoid this, many parents when the children are away on a trip. The
schedule regular times each week when they simplest solution is to leave an itinerary and
can be reasonably sure that their children include telephone numbers for where and when
will be free to talk. Telephone time is set the children can be reached.
up to be as convenient as possible for both
parents and their children. It may take some Be Spontaneous—and Creative!
planning to find this time, but it usually pays Letters, care packages, and the like are all
off in enjoyable conversations and a minimum inexpensive, nonintrusive ways to stay in touch
amount of disruption in daily routines. with your children. Care packages can include
books, toys, interesting shells, dried flowers,
Give Children Their games, cookies, or almost anything else you
Own Telephone Line and your child might enjoy. Pictures can be
It is common for many parents to have less- mounted on construction paper and assembled
than-friendly feelings for the other parent after into quick “memory” books and sent along to
separation or divorce. Therefore, receiving fill your child in on your activities, share your
116 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS
• One parent arranges for all visits with • becoming unusually cooperative and
extended family members. (This option compliant.
is especially appropriate if one parent has Children with a serious medical illness or
moved out of state while all of the condition are more at risk for developing
extended family lives near the parent who psychological problems.
remains). Deciding on psychiatric or other mental
Once you have agreed on these issues, be sure health care can be difficult. If you and the other
to explain them to the relatives and friends parent discuss this issue, keep in mind that you
involved and ask them to support your plan. need to decide the following:
• whether you will permit or require
Issue 19 Cross-References psychiatric or other counseling for your
Worksheet Questions children
Worksheet 1 4, 8 • whether you will require psychiatric or
Worksheet 2 7, 8 other counseling for either parent
Worksheet 3 4, 5 • who may provide the care, and
Worksheet 4 5, 11, 12, 15 • how you will determine when the need for
counseling has ended.
If mental illness is already part of your family’s
situation, you should pay close attention to
Issue 20: Psychiatric and your children’s needs in this area. Although
Other Mental Health Care hereditary links to mental illness are not always
clearly defined, professionals note that when
Although many parents are willing to consider
parents suffer from manic-depression (bipolar
providing some mental health or emotional
disease), schizophrenia, alcoholism, or other
support for their children, few know what signs
drug abuse, their children are more prone to
to look for in the child’s behavior. Perhaps the
mental illness.
most obvious indicator of emotional or other
Counseling for parents is included here
mental health care needs is a dramatic change
because a parent’s state of mind and mental
in your child’s behavior that persists over some
health can have a significant impact on
period of time. Some of the warning signs
children. Whether the parents attend
include:
counseling together or define goals to work
• unusual stress, clinging, or nervous tics
towards in separate counseling sessions, time
• regression to previous behavioral stages spent in counseling usually results in better
(for example, bedwetting or thumb- parenting plans.
sucking)
Specific provisions about counseling for
• loss of motivation for school, making parents in your parenting plan might:
friends, or having fun
• identify the issues to be addressed (such as
• sleeping too much or too little anger, frustration, jealousy, or violence)
• becoming unusually rebellious or • allow the counselor and patient to agree
argumentative, and when these issues are resolved, and
118 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS
• provide for a letter from the counselor to Issue 21: Religious Training
the other parent stating that the counselor
and the patient agree that the counseling after separation or divorce, parents may need to
has accomplished its objectives. plan for their children’s religious training. for
some parents, this is easy; for others, it presents
Issue 20 Cross-References
difficult choices. in many families, parents have
different religions. whether you expose your
Worksheet Questions
children to one religion, agree to disagree, teach
Worksheet 1 4, 6
two religions, give your children no formal
Worksheet 2 7
religious training, or let your children choose
Worksheet 3 7, 8, 9, 10
for themselves, religion can be an important
Worksheet 4 3, 5, 6, 7, 13, 14 aspect of a child’s development. it can also
have a big influence on how you decide other
elements of the agreement, such as medical
care (issue 2), mental health care (issue 20),
education (issue 6), child care (issue 12), and
outside activities (issue 15), among others.
(additional information on multicultural
families is in Chapter 14.)
CHAPTER 7 | FINISHING TOUCHES | 119
Religious Training
Surname
#___ Surname
_____ Our children’s surname is .
Any decision to change that surname will be made as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ Our children will keep this surname until they become legal adults.
____ Our children may choose their surname.
____ Our children may choose their surname after age .
____ We will discuss and agree on any change of surname.
____ [parent] has
the authority to change our children’s surname.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
_____ Each of our children will sometimes need separate or special time with each of
us. Therefore, we will set up separate time for each child while visiting together as
follows [specify]:
_____ Each of our children will sometimes need separate or special time with each of us.
Therefore, we further agree that [specify]:
most of this kind of visit, have your child help Issue 24: Separating the
plan the activities, and take pictures or collect
mementos of your “adventure” for your child to Adult Relationship Issues
keep. From the Parenting Issues
it is essential to keep your children out of the
Children Take Turns Being middle of your issues with the other parent. you
the Center of Your Attention must learn to separate your adult relationship
you may not be able to schedule separate visits issues from the parenting decisions you must
for your children. you can still carve out special make. parents face two common problems when
time for each child by: they begin to parent separately: first, they often
• setting aside a small amount of time for get so wrapped up in adult relationship issues
each child during each visit that they either forget to discuss the children
• having the children take turns deciding or get so angry that further discussion and
which activities everyone will engage in agreement becomes impossible. Second, their
during your visits, or adult relationship issues become entangled with
• staggering the arrival or departure times parenting issues, making it increasingly difficult
for each child (school or other activity to focus on the children’s best interests.
schedules may facilitate this) to allow while most parents see the value in separating
special time for each child. their adult relationship issues from the parenting
issues, many wonder just how they will be able
to do it. here are some concrete ideas you can
CHAPTER 7 | FINISHING TOUCHES | 123
#___ Separating the Adult Relationship Issues From the Parenting Issues
_____ We agree that we will separate our adult relationship issues from the parenting issues
as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ agree to resolve all parenting decisions first
____ schedule separate telephone calls
____ arrange to discuss adult relationship issues when away from our children
____ discuss adult relationship issues during joint counseling sessions
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
solicit their children’s opinions no matter what the discussion about making changes to the
their ages; others wait until the children are parenting agreement are by:
teenagers. • making the child feel that he or she has to
Though it is often a good idea to ask your “choose” between one parent or the other
children for their thoughts on what they would • making the child demonstrate which
like the most—or what kinds of arrangement parent he or she loves more by making the
they think would work best—you and the choices that parent wants, or show who he
other parent need to be careful that you or she wants to be with more by choosing
are not putting too much pressure on your to be with that parent more of the time
children. it is a very difficult, but critically • treating them as if they have the same
important, balancing act. The balancing act authority as an adult to decide what is in
can become even more challenging if a child their best interests (almost setting them up
wants to be involved. often, this will happen as a coparent, or allowing them to make
with later elementary school–aged children or the decisions as if they were the parent).
adolescents. The key is to hear what they have
to say, ask questions to try to understand why
Consider Mediation
they want what they are asking for, and then
tell the child that their views will be taken you may be willing to evaluate or renegotiate
into account as you and the other parent go your parenting agreement only if a third party is
through your decision-making process. Some present. in this situation, include an automatic
of the ways that parents put too much pressure mediation schedule for reviewing your agree-
on their children when they involve them in ment, or allow either parent to schedule
126 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS
Issue 26 Cross-References
Worksheet Questions
Worksheet 1 6, 7
Worksheet 2 7, 8
Worksheet 3 1, 4, 5, 7
Worksheet 4 1, 2, 4, 5, 7
Serious Issues
_____ Anyone providing care for our children other than a parent will be told about any
existing restraining orders.
_____ [parent] will seek counseling from
[provider] regarding
[specify]; also [choose all that apply]:
____ Parent and provider will be permitted to determine when the need for
counseling has concluded.
____ At the conclusion of parent’s counseling, provider will send a letter to
[other parent] indicating
that counseling has concluded to the parent and provider’s satisfaction.
_____ We will offer counseling and emotional support to our children as indicated in Issue
# [Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care].
_____ If our children are exposed to a violent or otherwise dangerous situation, the parent
in whose care they are will remove them from the situation and, if necessary, find
another adult to provide care for them.
_____ Our children may call [adult’s name] if they fear for their
safety while in ’s [parent] care. This adult will care for
the children until he/she receives different instructions from the other parent.
_____ We will seek an independent evaluation regarding
[specify] for help in how we might best address this situation.
_____ The time the children are with
[parent] will be supervised by
[other adult] to ensure the children’s safety and well-being. The supervised visits will
continue until [choose all that apply]:
____ Our children feel ready to spend time alone with .
____ A counselor indicates that the supervision is unnecessary.
____ Other: [specify]
_____ From until ,
[parent] will not spend time with our children.
____ During that time,
[parent] will maintain contact with our children via [choose all that apply]:
____ phone
____ letter
____ email
____ other: [specify]
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
132 | building a parenting agreement that works
you must enlist the help of one or more trained and should be treated as such. Regardless of
professionals, such as a doctor, nurse, or other the validity of the particular claims, however,
medical professional, police officer, domestic the child who is at the center of this whirlwind
violence counselor, mental health professional, will be affected and will need help to deal
or other trusted adviser to help unravel the both with his or her own feelings and with the
child’s experiences and feelings and understand investigations and battles that are sure to follow.
what further responses are appropriate to the
situation. Specifically, the AACAP recommends Get an Independent Evaluation
adults respond to the child who reports abuse
A trained professional can provide parents
as follows:
with an objective opinion about how to deal
• encourage the child to talk freely with violence, abuse, or neglect. Depending
• don’t make comments that appear to judge on the issues involved, parents can learn new
the child or the situation strategies for dealing with stress, disciplining
• show that you understand and take the their children, and understanding their children’s
child’s comments seriously behavior. Unless you are low-income and
• assure the child that they did the right qualify for financial help, you will probably
thing by telling you about the situation have to pay for this kind of evaluation.
• tell the child that they are not to blame for
the abuse Require Supervised Visitation
• offer the child protection, and Supervised visitation means that another adult
• promise to take prompt steps to end the is present when your children spend time with
abuse—and then do just that. an abusive parent or a parent who presents a
How can you know whether claims of child serious threat of kidnapping. The court may
sexual abuse are true? Much has been made recommend a specific person who has been
recently of false claims of child sexual abuse. As trained to perform this function. If not, you
a result, many question whether children, or and the other parent must find your own
adults, can be trusted when they report child supervisor. This can be a relative or friend, or
abuse—especially if these reports surface for a social worker or battered women’s shelter
the first time as part of divorce proceedings employee whom you may need to pay. Some
or modifications of existing custody and courts require the supervisor to file a report
visitation orders. While some assert that with the court, describing the visit and the
claims made during divorce or custody battles children’s reactions to the parent.
are manufactured to ensure a “win,” others If you decide to have your children’s visits
worry that legitimate claims are dismissed with one parent supervised, be sure that you
because they cannot be proved not to have specify what “supervised” means. Any court
been manufactured. Unfortunately, there will order you get should include:
probably never be any clear-cut formula for • who will supervise the visits and what
guaranteeing the legitimacy of each and every kind of training this person will need
claim. (some states and courts insist on the use of
Most professionals underscore the fact that trained volunteers or professional visitation
any allegations of child sexual abuse are serious supervisors)
chapter 8 | serious issues | 135
#___ If Extended Family Members or Close Friends Are Fueling the Dispute
_____ We will encourage our children to have ongoing relationships with members of our
extended family and with our close friends as long as those relationships are healthy
and do not make disputes we have over parenting or adult relationship issues worse.
_____ If a family member or close friend is fueling our disputes over parenting or adult
relationship issues, we agree that, as appropriate, either the parent who has the most
frequent contact with this person, or both parents will:
____ limit the information shared with this person
____ schedule a “family meeting” to discuss the matter, and identify ways it can be
addressed and resolved
____ ask an attorney to explain the matter to the family member or friend, and ask
him or her to stop whatever behaviors are fueling the dispute
____ schedule a mediation session with the family member or friend to discuss the
matter and find ways it can be addressed and resolved
____ create a talking circle among the extended family or among close friends to
discuss the matter and find ways it can be addressed and resolved
____ get a court order to have the family member or friend stop the behavior that
is fueling the dispute
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
When trying to sort out the positive contri Schedule a “Family” Meeting
butions by grandparents, other relatives, or
Often, the simplest way to defuse a difficult
close friends from the negative, consider who is:
situation is to tackle it head-on. If you and
• raising the key issues in dispute the other parent believe that a significant
• fueling the conflict surrounding those source of your troubles is with over-involved
issues, or grandparents, other relatives, or close friends,
• recommending against agreements that consider convening a meeting among the three
you and the other parent have been ready or four (or more) of you during which you say
to reach on your own. politely, but firmly, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
At the meeting, you should describe the
Issue 32 Cross-References problem and the impact it has on your and
Worksheet Questions your children’s lives. Depending on the
Worksheet 1 4, 7, 8 details of your situation, this may have to be
Worksheet 2 4, 5, 8 stated more or less bluntly—but under any
Worksheet 3 1, 4, 5, 6, 7, 11
circumstance, you need to be understood. For
that to happen, you and the other parent need
Worksheet 4 1, 2, 3, 5, 7, 12, 15
to agree to a number of things, including:
• how much outside input you are willing to
Limit the Information You Share accept as you negotiate your agreement
• whether you are willing to share
One of the easiest ways to prevent others from
information about your agreement with
fueling your conflict is to limit the amount of
this grandparent, other relative, or close
information you share. This may be difficult
friend once it has been completed, and
if these same folks are your primary source of
emotional support, but it is often necessary. • how unwanted intervention will be
Consider holding back details of your parenting handled.
agreement negotiations. Think about what Introducing this subject at a “family” meeting
you would tell a casual acquaintance in the feels scary, but it needn’t be harsh. For example,
grocery store, and limit your comments to that. you might say something like, “Over the past
Detailed descriptions of difficult negotiations year each of us has turned to you for help
may lead those who care about you to want to while we tried to save our marriage. We both
intervene, rescue your children, or even try to appreciate the fair hearing, moral support, and
solve the problem themselves. If, for example, great ideas you offered. Though we know that
you are used to turning to your mother for the road ahead is going to be difficult, we also
a sympathetic ear, this may be a good time know that it will be harder if we have to find an
to find a friend or counselor who can listen agreement that satisfies everyone in the family.
compassionately without offering lots of advice Recently, it has become almost impossible to
or choosing to get involved on your behalf. resolve our conflict now that others in the
family are so heavily involved. Our priorities
are on figuring out what we need to do to meet
the children’s needs, while satisfying our own.
We know that more than almost anything else,
142 | building a parenting agreement that works
our children need to know that they can rely • whose opinions or expertise would be best
on their parents to make necessary decisions on • what the grandparents’, other relative’s,
their behalf—whether or not we are together or close friend’s reaction to this kind of
as a couple. While we are not experts at this, contact is likely to be
we are both sure about what we are doing and • how the information should be delivered
why. We feel it is our responsibility to make the (that is, in person, in writing, or by
decisions that will make this divorce final. We telephone), and
will probably make some mistakes along the
• when the contact should be made in
way, but we feel confident that we each have
order to have the desired effect (that is,
the children’s best interests at heart, that we are
immediately or after the parents have
willing to get help from experts as needed, and
made an effort to resolve the problem).
that we will be able to make whatever changes
may be necessary as time goes on.”
Get Protective Orders
Use Mediation or Counseling In rare instances, over-involvement on the
part of a grandparent, other relative, or close
Sometimes it is difficult for an over-involved
friend becomes so severe that it is significantly
grandparent, other relative, or close friend to
destructive. This may be especially true if this
understand where their natural concerns for
individual is trying to fight for custody of the
you, the other parent, or the children have
children. Some extended family members may
become intrusive. It might help to discuss the
even threaten to kidnap the children “for their
problem, its impact, and possible resolution
own good.” Any of these scenarios can have a
with the assistance of a mediator, counselor, or
potentially damaging effect on the children,
other trusted third party.
and may require court orders to protect the
For some, confronting others directly is children, you, or the other parent until the
either too difficult or has already proven matter can be sorted out and resolved. To get
unsuccessful. For others, direct confrontation more information about these orders, contact
is pointless because they know they will not an attorney or your local district attorney’s
be taken seriously. If either of these describes office, battered women’s shelter, police
your situation, you might consider bringing department, or children’s protective services
in another person who will be viewed as an department. ●
“authority” because of their standing as a
professional or expert. If this is an option you
are considering together, talk it over first to
determine:
9
C H A P T E R
Moving
#___ Moving
_____ We agree that in the event either parent plans to relocate from
[describe community, county, state], that
parent will provide the other parent with at least days’ notice
in order to allow us to assess the impact that this move will have on our current
parenting arrangements, and to renegotiate or modify the agreement accordingly.
_____ We agree that neither parent plans to relocate now, but in the event either parent
wishes to relocate in the future, we will consider the following [choose all that
apply]:
____ having both parents relocate
____ changing physical custody of the children to the remaining parent
____ allowing a move as long as it is no more than miles from current
address
____ allowing a move as long as the new home is in the same county
____ allowing a move as long as our children are under age /
over age
____ time a move with a change in schools
____ allowing our children to chose whether they will move after age
____ allowing the parent to relocate as planned
____ finding new ways to meet both parents’ needs and goals so that both parents
can remain in the area
____ We agree that
[parent] will move to [specify]
on or after [date], and after that time, our
parenting agreement will be as follows:
____ It will remain as currently drafted.
____ It will change as follows [specify]:
Regardless of what happens with legal custody deciding what is in the child’s best interests.
(decision making on behalf of your children), Other states offer more extensive guidelines.
the farther apart parents live, the more difficult As a bellwether state on this issue, California’s
it is for the children to spend significant Supreme Court has issued two landmark
amounts of time with both parents. Any parent move-away decisions in the past nine years—
who wants to move should, therefore, examine each of which reached a different conclusion.
motives and options carefully. Using similar lines of reasoning in each case,
the court allowed the mother to make the
Moves Generate Conflict move in the first case (Marriage of Burgess,
1996), but in the second case ordered primary
In general, any proposal by a primary custodial
custody to switch to the father if the mother
parent to move away will trigger a dispute with
decided to move (Marriage of LaMusga, 2004).
the other parent if the move will either reduce
Among the factors that California’s courts have
the amount of time the other parent spends
considered are:
with the children or increase the difficulty, time,
or expense of maintaining the current level of • whether the move will be in the best
visitation. interests of the child
If you are thinking about moving, you should • the child’s attachment to each parent
be aware that child support might change signi • the degree to which each parent is involved
ficantly if the move will change the amount of in their child’s daily life
time your children will spend with each parent. • the distance of the move
Many child support formulas are based not • the reason for the move
only on what each parent earns but also the • the child’s wishes (often children 12 and
percentage of time the children spend with each older can at least express their opinion or
parent. More often than not, this means that preferences), and
the parent who earns more income or spends
• the degree to which the child will be able
less time with the children will end up paying a
to sustain an ongoing relationship with the
higher amount of child support.
parent who remains.
In the typical dispute, custodial parents want
Because mothers are often the primary
to know whether they can move under the
caretakers, mother’s and father’s rights
terms of their existing court order and the laws
groups each have their own positions on and
of their state, and noncustodial parents want
interpretation of these questions. The Internet
to know whether they can prevent the move or
is full of articles, blogs, discussion groups, and
have primary custody of the children change
websites that offer platforms for the debate.
hands. Unfortunately, a definitive answer to
Bookstores and libraries have any number of
these questions is hard to come by. Legislatures
publications that lean one way or the other.
and courts around the country have wrestled
Researchers are also divided on whether
with these questions—as have the parents
children whose parents move become more
whose struggles bring the issue to center stage.
vulnerable to mental health or behavioral
Each state has its own criteria for determin disturbances—or whether the conflict between
ing whether one parent should be allowed the parents is just as (if not more) influential
to move with the children. In some states, in the problems that some children experience
the considerations are no more specific than after a move.
148 | building a parenting agreement that works
One fact that remains crystal clear is that this • has tried to coach the children into
is an issue that will not be going away anytime convincing the judge, mediator, custody
soon. While the path ahead is still being blazed, evaluator, or other professional that they
there are some factors that seem to make it do not want to remain behind
easier for courts to make a decision about • is unwilling to find ways to accommodate
whether to approve or prevent a parent’s ability the other parent’s visits with the children
to move the children. When courts approve a in view of the increased distance between
move, it is often because the moving parent: the parents’ homes
• has been the primary caretaker • ignores the wishes of teens who wish to
• has a significant reason for the move, such switch custody arrangements in order to
as a new job or other opportunity, or a remain in familiar surroundings, or
spouse who needs to move for similar • wants to move solely for the purpose of
reasons getting a fresh start, as opposed to moving
• previously discussed the intent to move for a better job or to follow a new spouse.
with the other parent
• has never hidden the child or prevented “An Ounce of Prevention …”
or frustrated the child’s visitation schedule Clearly, a move can be one of the most volatile
with the other parent (except for instances issues parents face as they live with the demands
of child abuse or other violence) of parenting after a separation or divorce.
• is willing to share in transportation costs Dealing with these issues after a move has been
so that the child can spend as much time planned, however, makes it even harder.
as possible with the other parent By taking the time to plan for how you will
• is willing to allow visitation with the other resolve these kinds of issues in the future,
parent at every reasonable opportunity including how much notice the moving parent
• supports the child in maintaining an must give before a move, you and the other
ongoing relationship with grandparents, parent can avoid many of the traps that other
other relatives, and close friends, and parents encounter when they try to tackle these
• has not tried to coach the child to issues after things have been set in motion.
convince the judge, mediator, custody Other ways parents can plan ahead to minimize
evaluator, or other professional to approve the difficulty in handling a potential move
the move. include:
When courts either prevent a proposed • making decisions about how far away a
move or switch custody to the parent who will parent can move (measured in miles, travel
remain, it is often because the moving parent time, etc.) without triggering the need to
has engaged in one or more of the following review the parenting agreement
behaviors: • postponing possible moves until the
• has already tried to restrict or eliminate children have reached certain ages
visits with the other parent by hiding the • identifying situations under which custody
children or fabricating excuses about why of the children might fall to the parent
visits cannot take place who remains, and
chapter 9 | special issues and complicating factors | 149
____ We respect the other’s right to establish an independent life with our children,
as long as it is not detrimental to our children.
____ If our living arrangement exacerbates the problems our children experience
because of our different styles and values, we will consider modifying that
arrangement.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
contrast, teens often like to “hang” with their Structure the Living
friends and need a parent who can supervise Arrangements or Transition
from a distance. (For more information on how Times to Reduce Conflict
differences in parenting styles affect children of
If the lives your children lead are radically
various ages, see Chapter 13.)
different in each parent’s home, then you may
Sometimes, parents are able to resolve these
find transition periods are particularly difficult
issues on their own. But often they need
for your children.
help refocusing their energy from trying to
Several researchers have found that children
change everything about their former partner
adjust better to two homes with very different
to finding ways to work together. First, each
rules and standards than to open conflict
parent must decide and then articulate what
between the parents. Nevertheless, it may be
they think isn’t working well. Then each parent
very difficult for your children. To ease the
must find a way to make the situation better,
contradictions, you have two options. One is to
or at least less bad. For a step-by-step approach,
modify the living arrangements (Issue 1) so that
parents with different parenting styles or values
your children go back and forth infrequently.
should try to:
For example, one parent can have the children
• define the problem
during the school year and the other in the
• propose solutions summer, with frequent communication but no
• identify areas of agreement physical exchanges.
• evaluate any disagreements Your other option is to improve transition
• decide whether more help (or help from a times. (For suggestions, see Issue 17, discussed
different professional) is needed in Chapter 17.)
• decide how they will know whether the
situation has improved Agree to Disagree
• make the agreed-upon changes, and For some parents, the differences are so great
• measure their progress in accomplishing that they do not try to bridge the gap. If you
their goals and decide whether any further are in this situation, do your best to have some
changes are needed. consistent standards for your children’s conduct
If you and the other parent come from and to respect your children’s right and desire
different cultural or religious backgrounds, to know, understand, and love the other parent.
teaching your children about who they are can Beyond that, each parent must be willing to let
give parents a way to focus on their children. In the other parent enforce his or her rules in his
particular, consider having your children: or her own home.
• hear stories from grandparents or other
elders Take These Issues to Counseling
• attend special religious or cultural Communication is often the first casualty in a
functions failing relationship. But it is communication
• learn skills unique to a particular that will save the children (and both of you)
culture, or from emotional pain and suffering. If each
• attend special camps. parent can spend a little time trying to see the
world through their former partner’s eyes, they
CHAPTER 9 | SPECIAL ISSUES AND COMPLICATING FACTORS | 153
may gain insight into why they do the things Issue 35: When a
that they do. Each parent may also be more
able to modify his or her behavior to suit the Parent Needs to
other parent’s needs if they understand why the Develop Parenting Skills
other parent desires the change. but this type of
role-playing can be difficult alone. for all these many parents need help with their role as
reasons, counseling can sometimes take the a parent. for parents who were previously
edge off a certain set of conflicts—or even help uninvolved in the day-to-day care and discipline
parents find new strategies that help the sources of the children, having full responsibility for
of conflict go away. for example, parents might their children, even for relatively short periods
agree to disagree on bedtimes and eating times, of time, can be overwhelming. a parent who
as long as each is satisfied that the children has abused or neglected the children in the past
won’t go hungry, will eat nutritious foods, and needs special help so that discipline and other
will still be in bed at a reasonable time. child-rearing situations do not cause further
harm. fortunately, many agencies and other
resources offer help in honing or developing
parenting skills. (See Chapter 17.)
Issue 35 Cross-References
Worksheet Questions
Worksheet 1 1, 2, 4, 7
Worksheet 2 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 8
Worksheet 3 7, 9, 10, 11
Worksheet 4 3, 4, 5, 7, 13, 14, 15
• resolve confl icts that are likely to emerge New Partners, Decision Making,
between the three or four adults regarding and Conflicts
disciplinary, emotional, or financial issues
parents must consider how the new partner will
• nurture the growth of new stepparent and
(or will not) be involved in altering or updating
stepsibling relationships, while preserving
the parenting agreement and what types of
each child’s tie to natural parents, and
issues the other parent can legitimately raise
• deciding whether and when stepparents about the new relationship.
will help with exchanges.
following are strategies you can consider Talk Before Problems Come Up
when dealing with the realities of stepfamilies
if it looks like a new partner will be around
and blended families.
for a while—either through marriage or just
a committed relationship—it helps if there is
Describing the New Partner’s Role good communication with the other parent.
This issue can lead to some pretty heated because the new partner and the other parent
arguments. but it is often easier to tackle them will likely be working together, it helps if they
directly than to let negative feelings about a new get to know each other before any problems
partner infect all aspects of a parenting plan. crop up. Then, when conflicts do come up,
issues should include what the children will there is some framework for working together
call the new partner and how the new partner to find a solution.
will be involved in daily decision making and Even if neither of you has a new partner, you
discipline, as well as in the larger decisions such can include this provision in your parenting
as where the children will live or where they will agreement in anticipation of that time. or,
go to school.
156 | BUILDING A PARENTING AGREEMENT THAT WORKS
you can skip this issue now and modify your Issue 37 Cross-References
agreement when necessary. Worksheet Questions
(additional information on new partners is in Worksheet 1 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Chapters 13 and 15.)
Worksheet 2 1, 3, 4, 5, 8
Worksheet 3 3, 5, 7
Issue 36 Cross-References Worksheet 4 3, 4, 5, 7
Worksheet Questions
Worksheet 1 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8
Worksheet 2 1, 3, 5, 6, 7
School Year With One Parent,
Worksheet 3 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 11
Summer With the Other
Worksheet 4 3, 4, 5, 7, 11, 15 The most common solution parents choose
when they live far apart is for the children to
spend the school year with one parent and the
summer with the other. if your children’s school
Issue 37: If Our district is on a year-round calendar, however,
this option isn’t feasible.
Homes Are Far Apart
if one parent moves a significant distance away, Change Primary Residence
the parents face the challenge of helping the With Change in Schools
children maintain a close relationship with both
Some parents consider alternating each school
parents. transporting the children is covered in
term—for example, third grade with one
issue 16, discussed in Chapter 7.
parent and fourth grade with the other. few
Issue 40 Cross-References
Worksheet Questions
Worksheet 1 3, 4, 5
Worksheet 2 6, 8
Worksheet 4 6, 7, 12
CHAPTER 9 | SPECIAL ISSUES AND COMPLICATING FACTORS | 161
Issue 41: International This book assumes that neither parent intends
to take the children out of the country to steal
Travel and Passports them from the other parent. if this is a concern,
Some families want or need to travel out of see a lawyer for help in securing a court order
the united States with their children. almost that will minimize this possibility.
all foreign travel requires a passport—even for
children. This issue may concern you if you fear Issue 41 Cross-References
that a trip abroad will turn into an attempt to Worksheet Questions
change custody or take the children away from Worksheet 2 3, 4, 5
you. if your children have dual citizenship, it Worksheet 3 6, 8
may be difficult for you to enforce your u.S. Worksheet 4 1, 2, 6, 7, 12
court order in another country, because there
might be a question about which country has
legal authority to make decisions. Issue Passport but Set Limited
Some u.S. courts are beginning to order Travel Time or Destination
economic sanctions against a parent who tries
with this option, parents might permit travel
to change a custody agreement while outside
out of the united States but incorporate
the united States. Some courts have cut off
restrictions specifying permitted countries
child support if a parent has tried to live
or the amount of time their children can be
permanently, and have jurisdiction transferred
abroad, or both. as a practical matter, most
to, a foreign country. Judges have also required
international travel with children now requires
a parent to post a bond before taking a child
that the adult traveling with the minor show
out of the country.
proof that both of the children’s legal parents Instruct the State Department to
approve of the travel plans. Withhold a Child’s Passport Unless
Requested by the Custodial Parent
Issue Passport but if one parent has sole custody, that parent
Require Supervised Travel can notify the State department not to issue
your parenting agreement might require that an a passport for the children unless it is the
adult nonparent accompany your children and custodial parent who applies for it.
the other parent for international travel. if this
is your inclination, you might seriously rethink
whether issuing a passport is advisable at all, Issue 42: Military Service
given that it might not be possible for a travel
“supervisor” to prevent child snatching under minor children need a parent’s permission
all circumstances. to enter the military. Some options you can
consider would allow your minor children to
enlist as follows:
Require Both Parents’
• without restriction
Permission to Obtain a Passport
• in the event of war
if one parent fears flight or abduction of a
• after a certain age
child, then that parent should probably require
that both parents give permission for a passport • with the approval of one or both parents,
to be issued for their children. withholding the or
passport in the first place is the most effective • never.
way to deal with the potential for flight.
Military Service
●
III
pa r t
least amount of time satisfies his or her will pay. These factors include the needs of the
obligation through monthly child support child—including health insurance, educational
payments. needs, day care, and special needs—the needs of
When the time that the children spend with the custodial parent, the payer’s ability to pay,
each parent is more or less equal, the parent and the children’s standard of living before the
with the larger income will be expected to pay divorce.
at least some support to the parent with the
smaller income. Relative Financial Circumstances
When determining child support orders, a
How Child Support court usually considers the relative income and
Payments Are Calculated assets of both spouses. If the custodial parent
Each state has its own method for calculating earns more than the noncustodial parent, child
the amount of child support that one parent support may be very low. Accordingly, when
will pay to the other a fter separation or divorce. courts consider the relative assets and income of
States generally consider the following factors in the parties, they usually end up awarding at least
determining child support formulas: some child support to the custodial parent. In
general, the s tatistics show that mothers are most
• how much time each parent spends caring
often the custodial parent and fathers generally
for the children
pay child support. In general, custodial mothers
• each parent’s income and necessary
have considerably less household income than
expenses
noncustodial fathers.
• each parent’s earning potential
• each parent’s eligibility for public Ability to Pay
benefits, and
Courts always consider a person’s ability to pay
• the number and ages of the children. when establishing child support obligations.
Most states allow the parents to negotiate a To do this, a court totals the payer’s income
support payment that is higher or lower than from all sources (such as wages, public benefits,
the guideline amount but also allow the family interest and dividends on investments, rents
court judge to reject the parents’ agreement if from real property, and profits from patents
it does not provide adequate support for the or other intellectual property), then reduces
children. (A few states require the parent paying that total by the amount of any mandatory
the child support to pay at least a minimum deductions (such as income taxes, Social
amount.) Security, health care, and mandatory union
In addition to the guidelines imposed on them dues) to calculate the payer’s net income.
by state law, judges are supposed to strive for In most states, deductions for credit union
fairness in establishing child support obligations. payments, wage attachments, and the like
They are thus given at least some discretion to are not subtracted when calculating net
apportion child support responsibility between income. For example, John makes $3,000 per
parents according to their relative financial month, and his income tax, Social Security,
circumstances. Some states’ laws specify unemployment insurance benefits, and other
additional factors that must be considered in government deductions reduce his income
determining how much child support parents by $500 per month. John’s net income for
170 | building a parenting agreement that works
division. See “Integrated Property Settlement income taxes, Social Security, health care,
Agreement,” below.) and mandatory union dues).
When alimony and child support are • Ability to earn. Some states calculate the
combined into one payment without specifying spouse’s ability to earn by comparing
what portion is alimony and what is child actual earnings and estimated earnings if
support, this total payment is sometimes called there is evidence that a person could earn
“family support.” Because of tax issues and more if he or she chose to do so. Others,
increased concern over e nforcement of child however, set alimony payments based
support orders, however, most courts require only on actual earnings. For example,
that child support and alimony be identified Jane Doctor earned $150,000 a year from
separately. medicine for the past three years while
married, then quit her job when she and
her husband separated and became a TV
Integrated Property
repairperson with an annual income of
Settlement Agreement
$40,000. During the divorce trial, Jane’s
Upon divorce, couples commonly enter into a husband, Lionel, requested alimony from
divorce agreement that divides marital property Jane. Because Jane abruptly changed
and sets alimony, if applicable. This agreement her income, the court imposed a larger
is “integrated” if the property settlement and alimony obligation on her than she would
alimony payments are combined into either normally have to pay with a salary of
one lump-sum payment or periodic payments. $40,000 a year. The court reasoned that
Integrated agreements are often used when Jane could return to the world of medicine
the marital property consists of substantial if she needed to and that her ex-husband
intangible assets (for example, future royalties, should not be penalized because of her
stock options, or pension plans that will vest employment decision. In some states,
in the future) or when one party is buying the however, the court would reason that
other’s interest in a valuable tangible asset ability to earn is too speculative and would
(for example, a home or business). If a spouse instead base alimony on Jane’s $40,000
is entitled to little or no alimony but is not income.
financially independent, periodic payments may • Ability to be self-supporting. Courts
help that spouse gain financial independence. normally calculate an ex-spouse’s ability to
be self-supporting by considering whether
the ex-spouse has marketable skills and is
Courts typically use several basic criteria when
able to work outside the home. (Having
setting alimony amounts:
custody of preschool children and not
• Ability to pay. Courts measure ability to
having access to day care could make this
pay based upon net income. Net income
impossible.) If a spouse has marketable
is calculated by totaling the payer’s gross
skills and is able to work outside the
income from all sources (such as wages,
home but has chosen not to look for
public benefits, interest and dividends on
work, the court is very likely to limit the
investments, rents from real property, and
amount and length of alimony. In many
profits from patents), and then subtracting
states, courts do not award alimony if
any mandatory deductions (such as
chapter 10 | child support, alimony, and jointly held property | 173
the marriage is of short duration or both support, on the other hand, is tax-free to
spouses are able to support themselves. If, the recipient but not deductible by the
however, one spouse was dependent on payer.
the other for support during the marriage, • Marital debts. Upon divorce, the court
the dependent spouse is often awarded looks at factors such as when the debt was
alimony for a transition period while incurred (for example, was it before or
becoming self-supporting. If a spouse after the marriage), whether the couple
receiving alimony becomes self-supporting lives in a community property state
before the time set by the court for the (where the assumption is that everything
alimony to end, the paying spouse can go accumulated during the marriage is to be
to court and file a request for modification split evenly), who benefits most from the
or termination of alimony based upon asset attached to the debt, and who has
these changed circumstances. Although it is the ability to pay the debt. Shifting more
difficult to obtain, ex-spouses are sometimes of the responsibility to repay the debt to
awarded an extension of alimony if, at the one spouse may also mean that the other
end of the support period, they are still spouse will be given less alimony, or a
unable to support themselves. smaller share of cash or other assets.
• Standard of living during the marriage. • Acquisition of a professional degree or
When a court sets alimony, it often license during the marriage. Some spouses
considers the family’s predivorce standard support their mates financially as well
of living and attempts to continue this as emotionally through professional,
standard for both spouses. But whether or graduate, or trade school. Alimony is rarely
not both spouses worked outside the home awarded to the spouse who supported
during the marriage, it is often impossible the couple, even though that spouse
to continue the same standard of living for often made sacrifices, such as delaying an
both people after the spouses have gone education, in order to support the other.
their separate ways. This means that courts Some states, however, try to compensate
try, but cannot guarantee, to continue the spouse who put the other through
the predivorce standard of living for each school through the alimony award.
parent. • Existence of an agreement before marriage.
• Length of the marriage. When a marriage is Some couples enter agreements before
relatively short (for example, five years or their marriage about whether alimony will
less) and no children were born or adopted be paid in the event of divorce. Whether
during the marriage, courts often refuse to they are called antenuptial, prenuptial, or
award alimony. If there are c hildren under premarital agreements, these agreements
school age, however, the court may award are usually upheld by the court unless one
alimony to allow the primary custodial person can show that the agreement was
parent to provide full-time care for the n likely to promote divorce (for example,
children. For federal income tax purposes, by including a large alimony amount
alimony paid under a written agreement in the event of divorce)
or court order can be deducted by the
n written and signed with the intention
payer and is taxable to the recipient. Child
of divorcing
174 | building a parenting agreement that works
took advantage of the other. Much has been made of the changed financial
circumstances that result when families separ
ate or divorce. Initially, both parents experience
Negotiating Child substantially reduced economic resources.
and Spousal Support Over time, this may change significantly as
a result of new jobs, better pay, remarriage,
How should you approach your child or spousal public assistance, the sale of property, or other
support negotiations? Quite simply, you should factors. One disturbing fact, however, emerges
go back to the basics. This means understanding consistently. Although the economic well-
what makes issues difficult and finding ways to being of d ivorced mothers and their children
address each concern, one at a time, with the increases over time, the income of mothers who
intent of finding child-focused solutions that do not remarry remains substantially below the
both parents can accept. father’s income. By contrast, the economic well-
Many parents resent paying child support. being of divorced fathers (over time) remains
Often these resentments are based not on how substantially above preseparation levels.
much money the children need but on the fact Despite this discrepancy, custodial mothers
that the parent who receives the money controls remain the primary support for their children in
how it is spent. For example, the paying parent the years after divorce. Even if paid in full, child
may feel: support and alimony represent only a fraction
• The money isn’t being spent directly on the of the mother’s postdivorce household income.
kids. Although child support issues are critically
• The receiving parent gains an unfair important for everyone, they are adult issues
benefit by being able to use child support not to be shared with children. Though it is
monies to pay rent. often necessary for one parent to explain that
• The parent receiving child support doesn’t they cannot provide the same things that the
have to account for how the money is other parent can because of their finances, it is
spent. equally important that neither parent puts the
• The child support allows the parent who children in the middle of financial issues.
receives it to be “lazy” about working to
provide a living for the children. Child support involves first getting the court
order and then collecting the support. Although
states offer child support recipients a number of
techniques for collecting it, probably the most
effective approach to enforcement is to prevent
a problem from arising in the first place.
Involving both parents at a significant level in
their children’s lives is one of the most effective
ways to head off a dispute over child support
or to repair a situation that has deteriorated. If
chapter 10 | child support, alimony, and jointly held property | 175
you are already in a dispute over child support, and overnight, with their children. The less
there are a number of ways to approach the involved with their children’s lives they became,
situation, including: the less apt they were to keep paying support.
• talking to the other parent directly to find
out why he or she isn’t paying
• discussing how support payments are used, Dividing Jointly
and the value of spending it in those ways Owned Property
• asking whether the other parent wants a
In all states, a divorce or separation requires
more substantial role in the children’s lives
the division of property that the spouses own
• assessing whether the paying parent’s jointly. In the community property states
economic circumstances have changed, (California, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico,
thereby warranting a change in the order Texas, Washington, Idaho, and Wisconsin) this
for support usually consists of property that was acquired
• taking the matter to mediation and, if after the marriage but before the spouses
necessary, reviewing the entire parenting separated. Common exceptions to this rule are
agreement to see whether changes might gifts and inheritances received by one spouse
make the parent feel better about paying and kept in a separate account, and income
• investigating options for providing better earned on a spouse’s separate property. In all
support through medical, dental, and vision other states, jointly owned property is property
care insurance, or acquired jointly by both spouses.
• investigating options for both parents to Different types of property can raise different
move to another area where both might issues when it comes to dividing it in a divorce
find work, or work that pays better. or separation. This is especially true when
Happily, one approach to child support the property is a mix of one spouse’s separate
negotiations tends to produce consistently property and community or marital property.
superior results. This strategy is to make sure For instance, a house purchased with one
that both parents are actively involved with the spouse’s separate property is that spouse’s
children. There is a strong correlation between separate property upon d ivorce. However, if
the amount of time a parent spends with his jointly owned resources were used to increase
or her children and that parent’s willingness to the value of the house, figuring out who owns
pay child support. Maccoby and Mnookin, in what can be tricky, especially if the house’s value
their book Dividing the Child (Harvard Press), has appreciated significantly. Similarly, if one
reported that most families opt for custody with spouse owns a separate property business but
the mother while the father pays child support. both spouses work in the business, it can be
On average, fathers paid between two-thirds difficult to decide how the appreciated value of
and three-fourths of the awarded support, but the business should be divided.
their compliance with support orders fell off These and other property division issues are
over time. covered in detail in Divorce & Money, by Violet
The researchers discovered that fathers tended Woodhouse with Dale Fetherling (Nolo).
to continue paying child support when they
had regular and frequent visits, both daytime
176 | building a parenting agreement that works
Relevant Issues
Issue Number
Medical, Dental, and Vision Care 2
Surname 22
Making Decisions 8
Resolving Disputes 9
Exchanging Information 11
Reinvolving a Previously Absent Parent 39
Moving 33
If Our Homes Are Far Apart 37
Holidays 5
Vacations 14
Special Occasions and Family Events 13
Improving Transition Times 17
When Parenting Styles and Values Differ 34
Disparaging Remarks 3
Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship 30
Denying Access to the Children 31
When Nonrelatives Live in the Home 38
When Parents Have New Partners 36
Making Changes 25
●
11
C H A P T E R
• Mediation is confidential, which allows mediation can help open and improve lines of
parents to discuss the issues freely and communication.
evaluate possible solutions without fear
that the other parent might use the
discussions or the mediator’s statements to Proposing Mediation
build a court case.
For some families, the hardest task in mediation
• Parents decide for themselves whether to is to get it started. Many parents are reluctant to
accept or reject any particular agreement. suggest mediation to the other parent because
• Parents control the time, costs, and degree they:
of acrimony associated with finding a • are convinced the other parent will refuse,
resolution. or
• Mediation helps parents improve their • fear they will appear weak to the other
communication skills—an important part parent.
of successful separate parenting.
In fact, once you (or a mediator) explain medi
Mediators are especially skilled at generating ation to the other parent, that parent is likely to
ideas and helping parents overcome impasses. see its advantages over litigation and go along
Mediators can also review a parenting agree with it. And once mediation is under way, any
ment to point out potential problems such as: suspicions about the process or the motivation
• vague language—(reasonable visitation) for suggesting it are usually rapidly dispelled.
• vague action plans—for example, a plan Mediation can be suggested in several ways:
that doesn’t include specific pickup and by one parent, by a counselor, by a lawyer,
dropoff times for visits, vacations, or or by the mediator. Here are some sample
holidays, and conversations that illustrate how each person’s
• arrangements that might leave one parent proposal for mediation might sound:
feeling excluded from the children’s lives—
such as a sole custody arrangement with One parent proposes mediation:
unspecified visitation. I have heard about a process called mediation
Although mediators don’t provide legal that might help us get these things resolved.
advice, they often can give general information From what I understand, the mediator
about your state’s custody and visitation laws, would help us talk about our parenting
and suggest resources for information on child situation—without fighting—so that we could
development and parenting theories. If your see whether we can make the decisions on our
mediator is also a family law attorney, you may
own. We wouldn’t have to spend any more
be able to get the legal information you need to
time than we need to cover the issues and reach
make sure your agreement includes everything a
agreements. We could choose whether or not to
court will want to see.
involve attorneys, we might be able to avoid a
Even if your mediation sessions do not
court hearing, and we wouldn’t have to drag
result in a complete parenting agreement,
you probably will still benefit from the ourselves or the children through any more
process. Partial agreements can narrow the bitterness than is absolutely necessary. The
issues to be negotiated or litigated later, and mediator wouldn’t tell us what to do, and each
180 | building a parenting agreement that works
of us could decide for ourselves whether any will work toward creating a comprehensive
particular agreement was fair before we agreed plan that describes all of the key elements of
to, or signed, anything. If the mediation doesn’t your parenting relationship. As a mediator, I
work, we can still try to negotiate things on am a neutral third party, which means that
our own, or we can go to court—but at least I have no previous relationship with either
we will have tried one more way to make our of you, and that I have no preconceived
own decisions about how our children will be ideas about what decisions you should make.
raised. Although I will be happy to offer general
information about the legal process and
A counselor or attorney child development, I will not be making any
proposes mediation: recommendations about which options you
At this point, I’d like to suggest that you should choose, and I will not provide legal
consider a process called mediation. Mediation advice of any kind. I will help the discussion
can be very effective for starting the dialogue remain civil, even when one of you is
on some of these difficult issues, and may describing difficult or angry feelings.
allow both of you to find things that you As you begin to develop your parenting
can agree on. The mediator cannot impose a plan, I will help you make sure that it is clear,
settlement on you—you and the other parent detailed, and easy to understand and live with.
will be the ones to make all of the decisions. Because mediation is confidential, you can be
What the mediator can do is help you discuss candid and don’t need to worry that what
your children’s needs and how you plan to you say will be repeated in court. Because an
meet those needs—without allowing the agreement results only when both parents say
discussion to deteriorate into an a rgument. it is acceptable, mediated agreements generally
When it works—and it works in the majority last longer, and result in fewer arguments or
of cases—parents are in a better position to court battles, than nonmediated agreements.
communicate and work together in the future.
If mediation doesn’t produce a full agreement,
then you can go forward with negotiations on Understanding Basic
your own or through me, or you can take the
Mediation Techniques
matter to court.
One of the best ways to understand why
mediation works is to look at a sample
The prospective mediator
mediation session.
proposes mediation:
__________ (name of parent, counselor,
family profile
or attorney) has asked me to contact you to
discuss how mediation might help you and Matthew and Brenda are divorced parents
who live in neighboring communities and want to
the other parent resolve custody and visitation
renegotiate their parenting plan, which has been in
decisions on behalf of your children. The focus place for three years. Their children, Jason and Amy,
of mediation is your children, and making are ages nine and seven, respectively.
decisions in their best interests. If possible, we
chapter 11 | making mediation and arbitration work for you | 181
The Mediator’s Introduction mediators can be sure that they are developing a
complete list of all the issues to be resolved.
In addition to having parents introduce
themselves, mediators help parents articulate Brenda: Right now, the children live with me
their own needs, interests, and concerns and during the week, and they see their father on
focus their attention on how to best meet their alternating weekends. We split all of the big
children’s needs, interests, and concerns. This is holidays, like Christmas and Easter breaks, and
also the time when the mediator sets the ground alternate who gets the shorter holidays such as
rules for discussion and answers any questions Thanksgiving, President’s Weekend, and Memorial
the parents might have. Day. I think that everything is working just fine.
So do the kids. Matthew is the one who wants to
Mediator: Now, I will ask each of you to
change this.
describe your children, their needs, the current
arrangements, any concerns that you have, and Mediator: Can you tell me something about the
your proposal for how you will share and divide children’s activities, how they are doing in school,
your parenting responsibilities. As each of you and the things that you do together?
speaks, I will ask that there be no interruptions, Brenda: Both children are doing fairly well in
and that neither parent make derogatory remarks school, they are involved in after-school sports,
about the other. Once we have done that, we they do homework most days, and they have soccer
will take each issue in turn and discuss how it games on the weekends. I try to carpool with some
might be resolved so that you are meeting your of the other parents to get them to practices and
children’s needs. As you start discussing and evalua games. I help them with their homework each
ting your various options, I will be happy to evening.
offer information about some of the choices that Mediator: Do both you and Matthew live in the
other parents have considered, and will help you same school district?
generate ideas about solving difficult problems Brenda: No—and I don’t particularly like the
whenever it seems necessary. If either of you, or I, schools in Matthew’s district.
feel that discussion might be more productive if Mediator: Thank you, Brenda. From what I
we meet separately, then I might take time to meet understand, you and the children have developed
with each of you in private. Should either of you some routines that accommodate their schoolwork
feel that you need advice from your attorney, just and sporting activities, and you are basically happy
let me know and we will take a break. with the overall arrangements. Additionally, you
don’t see any advantages in considering a change
Parents’ Opening Statements in schools. Is this correct?
The parents’ opening statements give each Brenda: Yes.
parent an opportunity to hear how the other Mediator: Do you have anything that you’d like
sees the issues, and what each proposes as to add at this point?
a solution to meet their children’s needs. Brenda: No.
Mediators use this time to learn about a family
Mediator: Now, Matthew, can you give me the
and get an idea about what an agreement will
same kind of information from your point of view?
have to do to be acceptable to both parents. By
Matthew: I feel like I’m losing touch with the
using techniques such as “reflective listening”
kids. I want more time with them, and Brenda
(verifying that the listener has an accurate
refuses. I am a good parent, but I gave in last
understanding of the speaker’s meaning),
182 | building a parenting agreement that works
time and let the kids live with her. Now it’s my Mediator: Have you asked the children whether
turn. I want them to live with me, and they can they want to change schools?
see Brenda on alternating weekends. Jason says Matthew: Yes, and they’re not happy about it,
he wants to live with me, and Amy says that she but they would do it as long as it happened over
doesn’t care who she lives with, but I think that the the summer.
kids should stay t ogether.
Mediator: Okay. Are there any other issues that
Mediator: Thank you, Matthew. It sounds like
you’d like to bring up at this time?
you feel that you would like to play a greater role
Matthew: No.
in both children’s lives, and that Jason, at least,
has expressed a preference for living with you.
You also feel that it would be best if the c hildren Negotiating the Agreement
stayed together—regardless of the actual living
Once a mediator has an idea of the issues
arrangements. What do you know about the
each parent wants to address, he or she works
children’s activities and school performance?
with the parents to see whether it might be
Matthew: Not enough. I often don’t hear about possible to find areas of agreement. From
their soccer games if it’s not my weekend, and I the conversation above, a list of issues might
almost never hear about their school activities or include:
performance—except for g etting a copy of their
• improving Matthew’s access to information
report cards. I’d like to know more about both
about school and sporting events
things. Although our school district may not o ffer
• increasing Matthew’s time with the
all of the same programs as the one the children
children
are in now, it is still a good school. Jason will be
transferring into the middle school in two years, • evaluating how and when decisions should
and the middle school in our area is just as good, be made regarding which school the
if not better, than the one he would go to in his children will attend, and
current district. • evaluating which should be the children’s
primary home during the week.
Mediator: Clearly, you would like to spend more
time with Jason and Amy. Have you discussed this
Mediator: Turning to one of the issues raised during
with them? your opening remarks, I am curious about what
Matthew: Yes I have. Jason, especially, would each of you thinks about finding ways that Matthew
like me to come to his games and practices. Amy might increase the amount of time he spends with the
has said that she’d like the same thing. If I at children?
least knew something about the practice and Brenda: If Matthew wants to take over my turn
game schedule, I could play a much bigger role in in the carpool, he could get to know more of the
their lives—at least as far as sports goes. On the children’s friends and could attend some of the
weekends, they never bring home any schoolwork, practices or games. In fact, I could give him a copy
so I have very little information about how they’re of the game schedule, and he could attend any of
doing. I didn’t want to sit in the same room as the games, whether I am there or not.
Brenda to have our parent/teacher conferences, so I Matthew: I’d like to do that. What about
missed out on that this year. school, though? I should get a copy of their school
calendar, too, and maybe they should be bringing
chapter 11 | making mediation and arbitration work for you | 183
some of their work to me when they come to visit Joint Versus Separate Meetings
on the weekends.
Usually, both of the parents and the mediator
Mediator: Brenda, would you be willing to give are in the same room. Most mediators favor
this information to Matthew? this approach because it helps the parents
Brenda: Sure. communicate with each other about their
Mediator: Now, how about parent/teacher children—a skill they will need to work
conferences? How do each of you suggest that these together in the future. If, however, the mediator
be handled? feels that separate sessions might work better,
the mediator places the parents in separate
Brenda: I think that Matthew should take the
rooms and shuttles back and forth.
time to set up his own conferences. I don’t want
to have them together. All he has to do is call the Many mediations end up a blend of same-
school and arrange to meet with each teacher. room and separate-room sessions, depending
on how high the tension is and whether the
Mediator: Matthew, is this something that you’d
mediator thinks a parent might be more
be willing to do?
forthcoming about an issue if the other parent
Matthew: Yes. isn’t present. If there’s a history of violence
between the parents, the mediation may
Turning Negative Feelings consist entirely of separate meetings between
the mediator and each parent. This can help
Into Positive Actions
prevent one parent from intimidating the other.
Mediators recognize that it is hard to express
negative feelings positively, and so a big part of
their job is looking for ways to take anger, fears,
Overcoming Impasses
or problems and transform them into potential Impasses, or seemingly unresolvable differences
solutions. If mediators have a strong suit, it of opinion, need not bring mediation to a halt.
is turning “fighting words” into productive Mediators have many “tricks of the trade” they
conversation. can and do use to help p arents over rough spots.
Many of the strategies that were described in
Example: Chapter 4 have their parallel in mediation.
A parent says something like: “He/she is Additional strategies are outlined below.
such a flake that you can’t expect him/her Some of the ways parents can help each other,
to follow through with any agreement.” The and the mediator, to understand what it would
mediator might help the parent to rephrase take for them to trust the other parent include:
the objection as follows: “Do you mean that • listing the specific things the parent should
you don’t trust him/her to follow through do or not do, such as be on time or don’t
with agreements based on his/her past have the child deliver the child support
behavior? Can you describe the behavior check
that bothered you? What could he/she do to • listing the specific things the parent
demonstrate trustworthiness in the future?” should say or not say during conversations
between the parents, around the children
or to friends or family members, and
184 | building a parenting agreement that works
Recording the Agreement Mediator: Now that we have agreed that there will
be no interruptions while one parent is speaking, and
When the parents reach agreement on a that each of you will focus on the issues rather than on
particular issue, the mediator takes careful making derogatory remarks about the other, I’d like
notes. Typically, at the end of the sessions, each of you to help me understand the situation from
the mediator will provide the parents with a your point of view. First, I will need you to describe
summary of their entire agreement. It is each your children, then I would like to hear how you
parent’s responsibility to review that draft (with propose to structure your parenting relationship to best
or without the help of an attorney) to make meet your children’s needs. Who would like to start?
sure that it is accurate and complete. Joseph: I’ll start. Our kids have been through a
lot. Joey and Mary are basically happy children,
but this whole thing has been hard on them.
Why Mediation Works Elizabeth’s lifestyle has been so unstable. Her
in Very Difficult Cases drinking problem ruined everything. First, she
started hanging out at bars, and had a few
You may still be convinced that your conflicts boyfriends. Then, she was upset at every little
with the other parent are unresolvable and that thing, and a few times she really took it out on
mediation will never work because: the kids. Once, the kids ran away to a neighbor’s
• the conflicts are too intense house because they were afraid that she was really
• each of you is entrenched in your going to hurt them. I think that the kids should
position, or live with me and see their mother one afternoon a
• the conflicts involve domestic violence, week until she can prove that she can take care of
child abuse, or substance abuse. them.
First, understand that all family law mediators Elizabeth: My drinking! Big Joe has been an
assume there is substantial conflict between you alcoholic ever since I’ve known him! When I
and the other p arent, and are prepared to use wanted to separate, he beat me in front of the kids.
their facilitation skills to diffuse the tension and That’s when I knew for sure that I couldn’t live
to refocus you on your children’s best interests. with him anymore. Now, I have my own life, and
Be encouraged by the fact that disputing no one to beat me, and I want them to live with
parents reach agreement in approximately 70% me. I may have had my problems in the past, but
of all cases that go to mediation. To understand that’s all over now. I’m going back to school to get
how serious conflict might be handled in myself to a point where I can earn a good living
mediation, consider a mediation between two and support myself and my kids. Pretty soon, I’ll
divorcing parents, Joseph and Elizabeth. be able to afford my own place. He can be the one
to see the kids one afternoon a week. The kids have
family profile told me that they want to live with me, and I said
they could.
Joseph and Elizabeth are confronting the
serious conflicts—domestic violence, child abuse, Mediator: Okay. It sounds as though both you
and substance abuse—that were part of their and your children have been through some tough
marriage and separation. times and have been dealing with some difficult
issues. What do each of you think would be
important for your children as you make plans for
the future?
186 | building a parenting agreement that works
Joseph: For the future? Well, I suppose that the control his anger, but both agreed that for the
most important thing is to make sure that the moment, at least, he was probably better able to
children aren’t around Elizabeth or her friends care for the children for longer periods of time.
when they are drinking and partying. They do Both parents planned to remain in the same
miss her, I know that, but I just don’t know how community.
I can trust her to take care of them given the way Mediator: To recap what you have decided so far,
she is behaving. you would like to make a temporary agreement
Elizabeth: I agree that they shouldn’t be around that will carry you through the balance of the
in the wrong situations, especially the violence. I’d school year. Each of you agrees to meet together
like to find some way that we could be sure that again at the start of the summer vacation to
they’d be safe and cared for in both homes. review this agreement and to negotiate any
As this mediation progressed, the mediator necessary changes. Either of you may request
helped the parents explore the issues they mediation for your next meeting, but it is not
had raised, and began looking for available required.
resolution options. After some discussion, Here is the agreement as I understand it: Eliza
Joseph and Elizabeth disclosed that they had beth and Joseph each agree to seek independent
never tried to get help with substance abuse, counseling or other support to deal with alcohol
domestic violence, or parenting skills, but that abuse. Each of you will continue with this
each was willing to try if the other agreed to do counseling or support until such time as both you
the same. and your counselors agree that you can handle
Elizabeth conceded that while Joseph might these issues on your own. Joseph agrees to seek
benefit by learning new parenting techniques counseling and support for dealing with anger.
for disciplining the children, he had never He will continue with this counseling until
beaten or abused them in any way. Both Joseph he and the counselor agree that he no longer
and Elizabeth agreed that her few episodes of needs this assistance. When his counseling has
“taking it out on the children” happened after concluded, his counselor will write a letter to
Joseph had beaten her during the separation Elizabeth explaining the general issues covered
and were not part of her normal parenting style. in the counseling and that those issues have been
Neither parent feared for the children’s safety dealt with or resolved. The children will be offered
while they were in either parent’s care, but a chance to talk to a counselor, and may choose
Joseph felt strongly that Elizabeth’s new friends to continue counseling if they so desire. Both
and frequent partying created an unhealthy parents agree to identify at least one adult that
environment for the children. the children can contact if they ever fear for their
Joseph and Elizabeth acknowledged that safety, or are concerned that their parent is too
they did not want their children exposed to inebriated to provide adequate care. Neither child
the violence, alcohol, partying, or anger that will be punished for contacting this “safe” adult—
they had experienced in the past. Elizabeth even if they misjudge the situation.
acknowledged that although she had come a The children will live with Joseph during the
long way in establishing a new life for herself, week, and with Elizabeth two weekends out of the
she still had some work to do before she would month. Elizabeth will arrange to take the children
feel confident about caring for the children for after school at least one afternoon a week, and
more than short periods of time. Joseph agreed will return them to Joseph’s home by 7:00 p.m.
that he needed to get help in learning how to Joseph will call Elizabeth each Monday evening
chapter 11 | making mediation and arbitration work for you | 187
between 4 and 6 p.m. to arrange for her midweek If parents want to know what their legal rights
time with the children and a weekend visit, if are, they will have to consult with a good self-
appropriate, and to discuss the children’s activities help law reference, do some legal research in a
so that she can decide whether she will attend law library, or pay for a consultation with an
or otherwise participate. Each parent will be attorney. There is also online help that provides
responsible for handling day-to-day decisions for basic information on these issues. Chapter 17
the children when they are the primary caretakers, has more about these resources.
and each agrees to consult the other if important Though it often makes sense to get expert
decisions are needed, and there is some lead time information about the legal issues involved
before the decision must be made. In the event of in your divorce or parenting disputes, once
an emergency, either parent may seek whatever one person has hired a lawyer, the other
emergency attention is required, and will inform person usually has to do so as well. Once two
the other parent of the steps taken at the earliest attorneys are involved in the case, the chances
practical time thereafter. that your case will become more adversarial are
higher. Other alternatives to traditional legal
representation include hiring a lawyer to handle
What Mediators Don’t Do limited aspects of the case—for example, to
Although some courts require mediators to prepare and file documents with the court, to
make recommendations about how a custody or research particularly complicated questions, or
visitation dispute ought to be resolved when the to represent you at a hearing. Another option
parents can’t agree (in California, for example), is to find lawyers who practice collaborative
most mediators expect that only the parents can law. In a collaborative negotiation, each parent
decide what kind of parenting plan they will has a lawyer, but the lawyers and clients all
accept. A mediator’s sole mission is to help you agree to share information and work together
and the other parent build your own agreement to come to agreements rather than to fight it
about how you will meet your children’s needs. out in court. In a strict collaborative setting,
Sometimes, you may want to have someone else the parties all agree that if the case goes to
decide an issue for you. To get an outsider to litigation the original lawyers must withdraw,
make these decisions, however, you must choose and the parents must get new lawyers for the
a forum other than mediation. This usually court proceedings. But some practitioners don’t
means an expensive and divisive court hearing. require the “no-court” agreement, and simply
work on the basis of a promise of cooperation
Mediators can offer general information, but
and, sometimes, an agreement for a cooling
they don’t provide legal advice or counseling—
off period before either party can file a court
even when they are also attorneys or mental
action. See “Finding Professionals Who Can
health professionals. Legal advice can be
Help” in Chapter 17.
offered by an attorney to only one parent, so
each parent needs an attorney. Each parent
resource
has his or her own separate legal interests, and
one attorney cannot counsel a separating or Learn more about alternatives to court.
divorcing couple on what is legally best for To learn more about collaborative law and media
each parent. tion, see Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation
and Collaborative Law, by Katherine E. Stoner (Nolo).
188 | building a parenting agreement that works
possible, court-appointed mediators try to help If your mediator will make a recommendation
parents find areas of agreement, and report to the court, your strategy and focus during
that agreement to the court. If the parents mediation will change. In this situation, you
are unable to reach an agreement through have two audiences: the other parent and
mediation, however, the court may ask the the mediator who can influence a later court
mediator, or a separate custody evaluator (see proceeding. Not only must you try to reach an
below), to assess the family’s situation and make agreement with the other parent but you must
a recommendation about how the custody also try to make a favorable impression on the
and visitation issues should be decided. When mediator. Many mediators are impressed by
this happens, the mediator’s or evaluator’s parents who demonstrate:
recommendations are often the most important • a primary concern for their children’s best
factor influencing the court’s decision. interests
• a willingness to consider a variety of
skip ahead settlement options, and
For more information about court- • a desire to facilitate contact between the
ordered mediation and evaluation, read the children and the other parent.
next two sections. If you want more information
To prepare for mediation that involves the
about private mediation, skip ahead to “Choosing a
possibility of a recommendation to the court
Mediator.”
by the mediator, you will want to research
the factors your mediator will consider when
deciding what to recommend to the court
When the Mediator and how the mediator’s report will be treated
by the court. You can get this information by
Makes a Recommendation talking to a person in the mediation program
to the Court or by asking a knowledgeable attorney. (See
Chapter 17.)
Most states that authorize court-ordered
mediation do not ask the mediator to file a
recommendation about custody or visitation Custody Evaluations
with the court if the mediation doesn’t result in
an agreement. Instead, the court will make its Many states allow judges to appoint a custody
own decision, perhaps based on an independent evaluator if the parents cannot reach an
evaluation that the court orders. agreement on their own or through media
Alaska, California, and Delaware are excep tion. You may or may not be charged for this
tions to this rule. In these states, judges may service. The evaluator, generally a mental health
ask their court-appointed mediators to make professional, spends time with the children
a recommendation if the parents fail to reach and the parents to understand how the family
an agreement. Regardless of your state, if you functions and to gain insights about what future
use court-ordered mediation, ask whether the arrangements might be in the children’s best
mediator will make a recommendation to the interests. Custody evaluations are often ordered
court if you and the other parent don’t reach when the parents disagree about custody and
agreement. visitation and:
190 | building a parenting agreement that works
contact the court, ask an attorney or paralegal, other alternative dispute resolution
or contact the Association of Family and professionals. It also provides general
Conciliation Courts. The AFCC can be reached information on conflict resolution.
as follows: Association for Conflict Resolution
Association of Family and Conciliation 1015 18th Street NW, #1150
Courts Washington, DC 20036
6515 Grand Teton Plaza, #210 Voice: 202-464-9700
Madison, WI 53719-1048 Fax: 202-464-9720
Voice: 608-664-3750 email: acr@acrnet.org
Fax: 608-664-3751 • The American Arbitration Association has
Web: www.afccnet.org its own panels of mediators. They have
If you want to find a mediator in private local area offices in most states (consult
practice, check your telephone directory your telephone directory) and will give you
under “Mediation” or “Divorce Assistance,” or local area information about their
contact: mediation services, or you can reach the
• a community meditation program national headquarters as follows:
• the court American Arbitration Association
• a paralegal 335 Madison Ave., 10F
• a legal forms preparation service New York, NY 10017-4605
• a public mental health agency, or Voice: 212-716-5800
• the local bar association. Customer Service: 800-778-7879
If none of these efforts generates a sufficient Fax: 212-716-5905
list of mediators, you can contact one of the Web: www.adr.org
following national organizations for a referral in
your area:
• Mediate.com publishes a directory of all Preparing for Mediation
kinds of ADR (Alternative or Appropriate To prepare for mediation, complete the work
Dispute Resolution) service providers. sheets in Chapter 3. By doing so, you and
They can provide a list of mediators in the other parent will have written down your
your area and are available as follows: individual views on your children and separate
Mediate.com parenting and you will have some idea of the
P.O. Box 51090 issues to be addressed during mediation. These
Eugene, OR 97405 worksheets can also provide your mediator with
Voice: 541-354-1629 a wealth of information.
email: admin@mediate.com Prior to your first mediation session, you
Web: www.mediate.com should ask your court-appointed or private
mediator about the availability of:
• The Association for Conflict Resolution
is a national organization with data • informational brochures explaining the
bases on mediators, arbitrators, and mediation process
192 | building a parenting agreement that works
• websites with information about time, you may need professional help to
mediation put your feelings into perspective so that
• informational classes, videotapes, or DVDs you can focus on making decisions for
on mediation or custody disputes, or your children.
• materials that might be available in your If you and the other parent cannot make
public library to help you prepare for these decisions on your own, through
mediation. (Chapter 17 has titles of books mediation, or with the help of a counselor
or articles that might be helpful.) or attorneys, resolution will probably come
As you prepare for mediation, keep in mind via a court order. This is likely to cost a
the following five points: considerable amount of time, money, and
grief for everyone involved.
1. Focus on your children. The best prepara
tion for mediation is to think about how 4. Be positive. Positive thinking reflects
you can meet your children’s needs for confidence in yourself, both in what you
high-quality care and meaningful ongoing want to achieve and in your determination
relationships with both parents. This step to find an acceptable solution. For some,
is especially important if your mediation this attitude comes naturally. For others,
is with a court-appointed mediator who it requires a commitment to sort out their
will make a recommendation to the court own thoughts and feelings so that they are
if you and the other parent can’t agree. You certain of what they want. In either case,
will want themediator to know that your take a deep breath, put your “best foot
positions reflect your children’s needs and forward,” and see what happens!
interests. 5. Be informed. If you want to know your
2. Minimize conflict. Your ability to work legal rights and obligations in a separation
with the other parent with a minimum of or divorce, you can consult an attorney or
conflict is crucial to a successful separate hire one to represent you.
parenting relationship. Ongoing conflict
between parents can be one of the most
destructive forces in a child’s life. In If You Can’t
particular, explore ways to reduce the Reach an Agreement
conflict by minimizing the contact you
have, while maintaining the best possible If you cannot reach an agreement resolving your
relationship with your children. parenting issues, you can:
3. Handle your anger. Angry feelings and poor • continue discussions on your own
communication are common when parents • schedule further mediation sessions
separate or divorce. For some parents, the • seek an independent evaluation and
anger is so intense that they will go to great recommendation
lengths to avoid reaching any agreement. • seek counseling
Others will take great pains to make sure • submit the matter to arbitration, or
their agreement inflicts humiliation, loss, • litigate the issues in court.
or significantinconvenience on the other
parent. If this situation continues over
chapter 11 | making mediation and arbitration work for you | 193
are silent on the subject of arbitrating custody Arbitration Shouldn’t Rise to a Court Trial
and visitation disputes.) One of the dangers of arbitration is that it can
turn into a miniature court trial. When this
Choosing an Arbitrator happens, arbitration becomes just as time-
In almost all cases, parents use a single consuming and costly as a court trial, and
arbitrator to settle their differences, and the the proceedings become just as adversarial.
arbitrator is generally an attorney. Occasionally, Discovery, the process by which each side finds
the arbitrator will be a mental health out the other’s evidence, can be just as extensive
professional, but generally this happens only for arbitration as for a court trial.
when the issues in disputeinvolve an assessment One way to keep arbitration from turning
of the children’s mental health. (More into a court trial is to set limits in advance.
information about arbitrators is in Chapter 17.) For example, the parents can agree to share
information rather than conduct extensive
discovery. ●
12
C H A P T E R
with new money pressures, and facing new When You Are the One
challenges as you try to juggle your own life
while continuing to meet your children’s needs. Initiating Change
Given these seemingly endless opportunities When you are the one initiating change, you
to confront change, what’s a parent to do? are (for a time at least) in the driver’s seat. You
How can you balance your needs and desires are the one who defines the issues, and you have
with those of your children? The other parent? the first opportunity to describe your preferred
Your extended family? Once again, it pays to solutions. This somewhat enviable position,
go back to the basics. Separation and divorce however, is not without its drawbacks. Once
are solutions to adult problems. Although you put the subject of change on the table for
it is vitally important for children that their discussion, you take the risk that you may not
parents be happy, financially stable, safe, and be completely satisfied with the final result.
secure, it is also important that, to the greatest Remember that for most of us, change is
possible e xtent, the children have significant scary. Our “knee-jerk” reaction to change is
and ongoing relationships with both of their often an emphatic “NO!” The way you present
parents, have some sense of stability in their the other parent with your request for changes
living arrangements, school, and social settings, is one important key to successfully achieving
and be relatively free to concentrate on the your objectives. The other critical factor is
important tasks of childhood and growing understanding that your wishes are not the
up. As you try to balance all of these needs, only ones to consider. Productive and lasting
wants, and interests, your job is to try to find changes a llow everyone to gain at least part of
solutions that put your children’s interests in what they want in the final outcome.
the forefront.
Before you make any formal proposal for
change, c onsider the following:
Relevant Issues • why the changes are necessary
Issue Number
• what you want to accomplish by making
Making Decisions 8
the changes
Resolving Disputes 9
• who will be affected by the changes
Where Our Children Will Live 1
• what objections might be raised, and
Maintaining Contact 18
• how you can respond to each of those
Moving 33
objections.
If Our Homes Are Far Apart 37
After you have carefully thought through each
Holidays 5
of these points, consider how you might best
Vacations 14
present your requests. For example, if you are
Special Occasions and Family Events 13 the mom and want the children to come and
Transporting the Children 16 live with you during the school year, you may
Treating Each Child as an Individual 23 decide that:
Consistency in Raising Children 4 • The change of residence is necessary
Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship 30 because the children (ages 10, 12, and 14)
When Nonrelatives Live in the Home 38 say they want it.
When Parents Have New Partners 36
198 | building a parenting agreement that works
• You want to respond to the children’s to continue their visits with their paternal
wishes to the greatest possible extent, and grandparents during their traditional one-
to provide more parent involvement and week vacation together each summer, and
“follow-through” for their school-related the children will gain significant time with
activities. their maternal grandparents.
• The change in residence will be a positive Though this kind of preparation gets you a
change for you (because you will be able long way down the road toward an agreement,
to get more involved with each child’s it doesn’t guarantee success. It offers a structure
classroom), for the children (because for organizing your thoughts, anticipating
they will have the benefit of more parent resistance, and creating a setting within which
involvement in school-related activities), the conflicts that do arise can be r esolved. (To
for their father (because he will be able take this process further, consult Chapter 4,
to focus on his work without worrying How to Negotiate a Parenting Agreement.)
about shortchanging the kids), and for
their paternal grandparents (because they
will not lose their relationship with the When You Are the
children).
One Responding to
• The father and paternal grandparents are
sure to o bject, because they do not want a Request for Change
to lose any of the influence they currently For many of us, the maxim “If it ain’t broke,
have over the children’s daily lives. don’t fix it” works well. Therefore, few of us
• The list of objections would likely include: react well when told that something needs to
Dad feels the children are too young to be fixed when we consider it to be working
have the deciding vote on this issue, the just fine. For some, change is so scary that
children are complaining because they it can even feel like a kind of assault when
dislike the routine in his home and prefer proposed by others. Parents who are notified
the comparative freedom with you, and that the other parent wants to make changes
there is no compelling reason to initiate a in a parenting arrangement commonly
change given that everything seems to be experience disillusionment, frustration, and
going well so far. anger. Requests for changes in a parenting
• You will answer these objections by arrangement may even dredge up many of the
pointing out that: The children should thoughts, feelings, and animosities associated
have an increasingly decisive voice in with the marriage and its demise. This is
the custody and visitation arrangements, especially true if the parent who feels that the
you want a more substantial role in their existing arrangements are working well either
everyday lives (including the discipline did not initiate the divorce, or initiated the
that is part of the bargain), the children divorce after discovering his or her partner’s
have nothing to lose and everything to infidelity.
gain by being raised in both parents’ Although you may not welcome a request for
homes, your school s ystem offers more modification, it does happen, must be dealt
opportunities than the one they are with, and may well be successful—even over
attending now, the children will be able your objections. The key to success in dealing
chapter 12 | dealing with changes in your agreement | 199
with this situation is to curb your immediate that the children don’t like sticking to
reactions, consider carefully and objectively a routine at your home, but the allure
what might be motivating the request, and of Mom’s home would soon fade once
view the request as an opportunity to entertain she began imposing order, too. You are
discussion and accomplish changes that might more than willing to find ways to include
serve your children’s best interests even better! maternal Grandma and Grandpa in the
When presented with a request for modifi kid’s lives at your house.
cation of an existing custody and visitation • You counterpropose that making a change
agreement (or after being served with a court now is premature, especially with the 10-
document that communicates this informa year-old just about to complete elementary
tion), you will need to step back, take a deep school. Perhaps a change of custody in a
breath, and develop as objective a perspective as year, when the 10-year-old would already
possible on the following issues: be switching schools, would be preferable.
• why the other parent considers the changes Again, this is only the start of a fairly lengthy
necessary dialogue, but the approach has the seeds of an
• what the other parent wants to accomplish agreement. For more ideas about how to take
by making the changes this kind of discussion further, consult Chapter
• who will be affected by the changes 4, How to Negotiate a Parenting Agreement.
• what objections you have to the proposed
changes, and
• how you can respond to the reasoning
When Tensions
behind the proposed changes and to the Are Running High
objections the other parent is likely to have As with tension under any other circumstances,
to your position. the first thing to do is to recognize that it
If we pursue the example above and you are often alerts you to a problem. After realizing
Dad, your response to Mom’s position and pro there is a problem, you can then find ways to
posals may go something like this: diffuse the tension. Perhaps the hardest, but
• Certainly the children should have an most important, thing you can do is find a way
increasing level of input into the custody to focus on how this dispute relates to your
and visitation arrangements as they get children’s best interests. In some cases, your
older, but are 14-year-olds (let alone soul-searching will tell you that you must hold
12- and 10-year-olds) capable of making to your original position and your existing
this kind of decision? agreement “come hell or high water.” In other
• You realize that Mom wants more involve situations, you will discover that at least some of
ment with the children, but that will be the proposed changes have merit, and that you
difficult given the distance between your will have to find a way to accommodate these
homes—unless, of course, Mom wants to changes. You will find a detailed discussion on
increase the number of calls, letters, care deescalating c onflict in Chapter 4.
packages, and trips to see the kids.
• The ripple effect of a change of this
magnitude is significant. You recognize
200 | building a parenting agreement that works
Almost all children whose parents separate or Special Occasions and Family Events 13
your child into a full-time housekeeper and over time. If your children are having problems
babysitter. adjusting, you will need to intervene.
Many parents experience intense emotional So how exactly are you going to know if
pressures from the changes that come after your child needs extra help adjusting to the
separation or divorce. The need to make more new arrangements or dealing with difficult
decisions, respond to your children’s questions, feelings? Unfortunately, there really aren’t any
and support your children during their own hard and fast rules. There are, however, some
adjustment period can leave you feeling indications that you might want to look more
overwhelmed. Although parents and children closely into whether your child might need
are natural sources of support for each other, help. With younger children, losing ground
parents should not rely heavily on their children in their developmental achievements (such
for this support. Taking on the quasi-adult roles as sleeping through the night, staying “dry,”
of confidante and comforter can cause serious playing independently for age-appropriate
psychological problems for your children later lengths of time, and maintaining friendships)
in life. Find another adult to confide in and can sometimes be a clue that they are having
help relieve your own stress so you are ready difficulty handling their feelings. A little change
and able to support your children. here and there is to be expected, but if it goes
You can address these concerns by including on for a long time, think about asking for
counseling or other emotional support in your help. Often your doctor, a child care provider,
parenting agreement, and by sharing more relative, or school professional can give you
evenly the physical tasks of child rearing. ideas about whether your child appears stressed.
Elementary school–aged children may show
Relevant Issues their distress in other ways. Big changes in
Issue Number behavior are a good indicator. For example,
a normally outgoing child might suddenly
Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care 20
become clingy, decide not to play with friends
Where Our Children Will Live 1
during or after school, or want to drop out of
Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship 30
activities they have always enjoyed. Children
When a Parent Needs to Develop Parenting 35
who have many friends might suddenly be “in
Skills
a fight” with everyone and assure you they have
no friends, and they don’t care. A shy child
might become nearly silent.
Help Children Who Are
As children get to middle and high school
Having Difficulty Adjusting
ages, their behavior might be harder to read—
Separation and divorce present difficulties but it is certainly no less important to wonder
for all children, but some children have an how they are doing. One of the challenges
unusually difficult time adjusting. Boys tend to with older children and adolescents, though,
become more aggressive, and girls often become is that their behavior can vary from one day
depressed and withdrawn. No one expects to the next for any reason or no reason. With
children or parents to be happy with all aspects these older kids, you will need to ask questions
of a parenting arrangement, but children should as well as to observe their behavior. And you
be able to develop a generally positive attitude need to be patient. Sometimes it will be just as
206 | building a parenting agreement that works
important to discover what they don’t say as to Chapter 17 and the bibliography include
hear what they do say. For example, a child who additional resources that might help you assess
seems falsely happy all the time might open your children.
up some if you explain that you would find
it strange if they were completely okay with Relevant Issues
all the changes in their lives. Similarly, a child Issue Number
who is constantly whining and complaining
Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care 20
might rise to the challenge if you can notice
Religious Training 21
something (even if it is small, like a music
Driving and Owning a Car, Motorcycle, or 40
video, or a new game) they appear to be
Off-Road Vehicle
interested in or good at.
Making Decisions 8
As with younger children, however, big
Exchanging Information 11
changes in behavior, or suddenly exaggerated
Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, and 28
behavior, might be a clue to how your child Child Neglect
is doing. A good student might start failing
Alcohol or Drug Abuse 29
their classes, or getting into trouble at school.
Maintaining Contact 18
A child who is “popular” might suddenly be at
Reinvolving a Previously Absent Parent 39
the center of every activity, group of friends,
Special Occasions and Family Events 13
and social event—to the exclusion of almost
everything else. A child who has previously only Grandparents, Relatives, and Important 19
Friends
had “friendships” with the opposite sex might
Improving Transition Times 17
suddenly become “attached” to a boy or girl to
the exclusion of all other friends. When Parenting Styles and Values Differ 34
Consistency in Raising Children 4
Overall, it can be hard to know what’s up
with your child. Often, a good place to start is Disparaging Remarks 3
to find out what is “normal” for their age and Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship 30
stage of development. Several resources can Denying Access to the Children 31
help you understand how children generally When a Parent Needs to Develop 35
react to separation and divorce and how to Parenting Skills
recognize the symptoms of a truly troubled Explaining the Agreement to Your Children 27
child.
Ask your librarian or public mental health
department for a list of books, magazines, and Be Ready for Change
videos containing information on these issues. Parents often forget that their children grow
Three excellent books are: up and change dramatically over the years.
• Divorce and Your Child, by Sonja When you negotiate your initial parenting
Goldstein and Albert Solnit (Yale agreement, you’ll be tempted to assume that it
University Press, 1984) will stand, unchanged, until your children reach
• How It Feels When Parents Divorce, by Jill adulthood. Though it is possible that your first
Krementz (Alfred A. Knopf, 1984), and agreement will be your last, it’s highly unlikely.
• Mom’s House, Dad’s House, by Isolina Ricci
(Macmillan Publishing, 1980).
chapter 13 | understanding your children’s needs | 207
Boys tend to have more trouble than girls If Our Homes Are Far Apart 37
dealing with the realities of a separation Special Occasions and Family Events 13
or divorce after their parents have parted Grandparents, Relatives, and Important 19
company. Some speculate that this is because Friends
many parents provide their sons with m inimal Treating Each Child as an Individual 23
physical and emotional comfort. Parents may Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship 30
alsoexpect their sons to get over their anger Denying Access to the Children 31
or pain—or at least hide those feelings. These When a Parent Needs to Develop Parenting 35
responses to sons may help your child handle Skills
a situation like a “little man” but are likely to
lead to an inability to face and resolve painful
emotional issues as he grows up. Early Elementary School Children
Children often formulate their sexual Children in the early years of elementary
identities and preferences during this stage. For school are transitioning into the larger world
this reason, finding ways in which parents or of relationships with friends and teachers. As a
other adults of both sexes can have a significant result, they are better able than preschoolers to
and ongoing relationship to your children is handle the changes that come with a separation
especially important. or divorce. Preschoolers are still closely tied to
As you plan for your preschooler’s living their parents, and separations from either parent
arrangements, keep in mind the following: are difficult to handle.
• overnight visits can be started or increased Early elementary school–age children are
at these ages generally fine with overnights and can tolerate
• parents should expand communication not seeing a parent for somewhat longer periods
and cooperation between the households of time. Children in this age group, however,
still have very strong wishes to see their parents
• children should be encouraged to keep
get back together, and they spend lots of time
pictures of both parents at both homes
worrying that their behavior or misbehavior
• children should have frequent contact with
caused the separation or divorce. Children
both parents, and
this age are keenly aware of how their parents
• parents need to explain their parenting are feeling and often want to take care of each
agreement in terms that the children can parent. For this reason, these children can
easily understand. become very skilled at hiding their worries so
that they do not hurt their parents’ feelings.
chapter 13 | understanding your children’s needs | 209
Children this age may also be preoccupied with follow schedules in a parenting agreement,
worries that they too will be left or “divorced” although transitions between homes can present
and will have no one to take care of them. a problem. In general, calm children tend to
Professionals suggest that parents support these handle the transitions better than irritable
children by reminding them that separation children.
and divorce is between adults, and that each Children in these middle years are busy
adult will continue to be a parent. Parents can forming their own identities and value systems
also: and lean heavily on their parents for guidance.
• create a calendar that allows the child to Children need active participation by both
anticipate when he or she will spend time parents in their daily lives, school, and outside
with each parent activities.
• help children to choose and pack special These children are especially sensitive to both
books, toys, or clothes he or she wants to parents’ feelings and would do almost anything
take to the other parent’s house to avoid hurting either parent. As a result, some
• establish a clear, frequent, and regular children are afraid to let their parents know
schedule of visits, and if they are dissatisfied or angry. You may not
• set up or allow frequent telephone calls or know that your children are hurting unless you
other contact with an absent parent. look hard. Here are some signs:
• inconsolable grief over their parents’
breakup
Relevant Issues
Issue Number • unhappiness, no matter where they are or
what they are doing, and
Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care 20
Education 6
• behavior that seems to be “too good to be
true.”
Religious Training 21
Exchanging Information 11
One ten-year-old who didn’t want to hurt his
parents, but was thoroughly unhappy with the
Where Our Children Will Live 1
arrangements, summed up all of his frustrations
Maintaining Contact 18
by saying, “I just wish I could grow up faster.
Reinvolving a Previously Absent Parent 39
It’s better than being a kid.”
Special Occasions and Family Events 13
Experts and parents alike recommend that
Improving Transition Times 17
you strive to achieve the following goals for
Treating Each Child as an Individual 23
separately parenting your elementary school–
When Parenting Styles and Values Differ 34
age children:
Disparaging Remarks 3
• tailor the schedule to meet your child’s
Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship 30
personality
Denying Access to the Children 31
• stick to the schedules you establish
• don’t put children in the middle by asking
them to carry messages to the other parent
Older Elementary School Children
• offer counseling or other emotional
Grade schoolers are better able than younger
support, and
children to deal with most parenting
• support your children’s participation in
arrangements. They understand and can usually
outside activities.
210 | building a parenting agreement that works
Relevant Issues should allow their teens more and more input
Issue Number
into the decisions that shape the parenting
agreement.
Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care 20
When you adjust your parenting agreement to
Education 6
meet your teen’s interests and needs, consider:
Religious Training 21
• letting your teen decide where he or she
Exchanging Information 11
wants to live
Where Our Children Will Live 1
• strengthening your teen’s relationship
Maintaining Contact 18
with one parent or another important
Reinvolving a Previously Absent Parent 39
adult if the teen and the other parent fight
Special Occasions and Family Events 13
constantly
Improving Transition Times 17
• involving your teen in identifying
Treating Each Child as an Individual 23
problems and developing solutions
When Parenting Styles and Values Differ 34
• participating in parent-teen mediation,
Disparaging Remarks 3
and
Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship 30
• guarding against forcing your teen(s) to
Denying Access to the Children 31
grow up too soon.
situation, the bargaining power between the is the community’s responsibility to help the
parents may be very unequal, and you may have individual rediscover and fulfill his or her
to use certain dispute resolution methods to proper role. In many of these cultures, the best
accommodate the situation. For example, in a interests of the child are synonymous with the
culture in which men issue orders, fathers will best interests of the group. The role that any
seldom accept information or direction unless it one individual is expected to fulfill is generally
comes from another male. These parents might a function of age, sex, social standing, and
choose a male mediator, and the mother might economic resources.
hire a male attorney to negotiate with the father Many of these communities are fairly
or his attorney. cohesive, and the elders within the community
or extended family are well regarded for their
Relevant Issues wisdom and leadership. When facilitators are
Issue Number needed to resolve conflict, elders are called
Making Decisions 18 upon because their status allows them to be
Resolving Disputes 9
persuasive problem solvers. Given this view of
conflict and resolution, it is easy to understand
Disparaging Remarks 3
why some parents are mystified when they are
Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship 30
told that their decisions must hinge on the
child’s best interests as determined by state
legislatures, the mental health profession, and
Working Within the the courts.
Even mediation, which often is a versatile
American Legal System tool for resolving disputes, can be culturally
The way that a culture describes conflict often biased. For example, selecting a mediator in the
indicates how that culture prefers to resolve United States typically means finding someone
conflict as well. In American society, conflict totally neutral and unknown. In many cultures,
usually means there are two or more c ompeting however, parties are willing to participate in
interests—one will win while the other(s) loses. the process and reach agreement because the
For the most part, divorce or matrimonial facilitator is well known to them. Additionally,
litigation in our legal system encourages each the predominant mediation model in the
parent to confront the other and prove who United States today presumes that the parties
will uphold the best interests of the children. will come to an agreement themselves. In other
Although litigation may be appropriate when cultures, mediation is most effective when
a parent with a history of abuse, neglect, the facilitator suggests the solution and then
or serious instability insists on significant persuades the parties to agree.
unsupervised time with the children, litigation If you or the other parent come from a back
is usually unnecessarily costly and bitter. ground that is substantially different from the
To parents from outside the United States, dominant Anglo-American culture, you may
American litigation can be bewildering. need to find attorneys, mediators, counselors,
Some cultures believe conflict results from or others sensitive to the issues and cultural
inharmonious relationships. Once a relation differences. If you feel at a disadvantage because
ship becomes inharmonious, they believe it of language, either because you recently arrived
chapter 14 | multiracial, multicultural, and international families | 217
in this country or b ecause you don’t understand help. (Chapter 16 has information on laws that
the American legal system, you need to find can help you if your children are taken out of
knowledgeable support people from your the country.)
community who have the information you
need. Relevant Issues
To resolve your conflicts, look for people who Issue Number
can connect the priorities of each culture with International Travel and Passports 41
the issues of disagreement. Making Decisions (If there is any question 8
over which country actually has jurisdiction,
Relevant Issues consider adding specific language.)
Issue Number
Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care 20
Although not located on foreign soil,
American Indian nations have a special legal
Making Decisions 8
standing in the United States. Section 1911(a)
Resolving Disputes 9
of the Indian Child Welfare Act states:
When Parenting Styles and Values Differ 34
An Indian tribe shall have jurisdiction
exclusive as to any state over any child
custody proceeding involving an Indian child
Deciding Whether Another who resides on or is domiciled within the
reservation of such tribe, except where such
Country Has Authority Over
jurisdiction is otherwise vested in the State by
Parenting (Custody) Issues existing Federal law. Where an Indian child is
If one or both parents are not U.S. citizens, a ward of a tribal court, the Indian tribe shall
your separate parenting may involve additional retain exclusive jurisdiction, notwithstanding
issues related to international borders. You—or the residence or domicile of the child.
the other parent—may justifiably fear that
This Act covers the termination of parental
your children are at risk of being taken out of
rights, foster care, and adoptive placements
the United States without your knowledge or
as well as custody proceedings. If you are
consent. Although protecting your children
unsure whether or not you must resolve your
from a parent who truly wants to kidnap and
differences in a tribal court, see an attorney. ●
hide the children can be hard, laws do exist to
15
C H A P T E R
Nontraditional Families
Recognizing the
Other Important Adults Nontraditional Parent’s Role
Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and adult
If your children have a close relationship with
friends of legal parents often form significant
a biological, nonlegal parent, a psychological
emotional bonds with children. In all states,
parent, or a legal guardian, you will want to
grandparents (and in some states, aunts
provide for the continuation of that relationship
and uncles) can ask the court to grant them
in your parenting agreement unless you believe
visitation with these children following a
your children are being harmed.
divorce or separation. It’s up to the court
You have several ways to handle this,
whether or not to grant the visitation, but
depending on your children’s relationship with
many will, recognizing the special relationship
the adult. If your children haven’t been living
children often have with their grandparents.
with the adult, as might be the case with a
close friend or nearby relative, you can either
chapter 15 | nontraditional families | 225
incorporate a regular visitation schedule in your personnel are overworked; judges cannot
parenting agreement or allow your children to take the time to thoroughly investigate your
initiate contact. children’s relationship with their stepsiblings,
If, however, your children have been living their grandparents, your partner, and all the
with the adult, and for all intents and purposes other important people in their lives.
that adult is another parent to your children, do When adults who have raised (or at least lived
what you can to minimize the harm to the kids. together with) children in a nontraditional
You may be angry and want that person out of family decide to live apart, they often find
your life. And that person may have no legal mediation helpful for defining the role the
standing whatsoever to claim “parenthood.” But nonlegal parent will have in the children’s
if your children know that person as a parent, lives and for developing a plan to carry it out.
put your anger and the legal labels aside and fill If mediation isn’t an option or doesn’t work,
out the parenting agreement in this book as if consider arbitration—where you can obtain a
you were a legally married couple getting a resolution without having to negotiate with the
divorce, both entitled to continuing contact other person. (Chapter 11, Making Mediation
with your children. and Arbitration Work for You, has information
on how each process works and how to select a
Relevant Issues mediator or arbitrator.)
Issue Number No matter which process you use, the
Making Decisions 8 facilitator should understand the issues that
Grandparents, Relatives, and Important 19
are important to you and structure the process
Friends so that it will meet your needs. You may need
When Parents Have New Partners 36 to go beyond the suggestions in Chapter 11 to
find the right facilitator. For example, if you’re a
lesbian couple splitting up, consider contacting
a gay community center, support group,
Resolving Conflict in religious organization, or other gay or lesbian
institution for help finding someone to mediate
a Way That Meets Your your parenting issues.
Family’s Needs
Most nontraditional families need to find ways
to resolve disputes outside of the courtroom.
Creating New
The court system is geared to working with Relationships After the
traditional families. This does not necessarily
Divorce or Separation
mean that nontraditional families suffer discri
mination within the court system, although You may be reading this chapter because, while
lesbian and gay couples often justifiably feel your traditional family divorced or separated a
that way. while ago, you or your children’s other parent
In most situations, the dynamics of non has formed a new relationship, creating a
traditional families require more effort and nontraditional family. A new relationship can
understanding than the legal system can give. bring joy to the new couple and anguish for
Court calendars are overcrowded and court the still-single parent. Depending on who is
226 | building a parenting agreement that works
now coupled and who is still single, you or family has established a family activity night,
your ex may be jealous or suspicious of the then setting aside one night a week or month
new partner. Or, you or your ex may be scared will be a priority. If your new tradition is a
that your children will want to live in the holiday (either real or invented), then be sure to
other household, especially if the new mate has celebrate it annually.
children of similar ages to yours. Finally, remember that language is powerful
Similarly, your children might feel awkward and finding names or descriptions for new
when a parent has a new partner. If you form relatives can be challenging. Some children call
a new relationship, you must find ways to a parent’s new partner something like Mom
maintain the existing parent-child relationship or Dad (or Mother or Father); other children
while creating and cementing new bonds. One use the new partner’s first name. Still others
highly effective way to do this is to find times invent a name, or use a word from a language
when just you and your children can spend other than English. Describing stepsiblings can
time with each other. Don’t use the excuse present similar problems and solutions (such as
that “everyone is too busy.” If you don’t spend inventing a name or using a non-English word).
quality time with your children, they may begin Other children simply describe the stepsiblings
to feel left out, especially if your new partner as “new” brothers or sisters in order to avoid a
has children or you and your new partner have lengthy explanation.
a child together. Occasional lunch dates, trips
to the park or video parlor, or other one-on- Relevant Issues
one activities can make all the difference in the Issue Number
world.
Maintaining Contact 18
With your new family in place, you often Holidays 5
have the p erfect excuse to start building some
Special Occasions and Family Events 13
new family traditions that can give your
Treating Each Child as an Individual 23
children a sense of belonging. These rituals can
When Parents Have New Partners 36
be simple or elaborate, but they must happen
consistently to become routine. If your new
●
16
C H A P T E R
to one parent and grants custody of different best interests of the children. But those lists
children to the other parent. Though only a few are not meant to be exhaustive. Judges have
states have laws expressly discouraging judges the discretion to consider virtually all relevant
from splitting children between their parents’ information when deciding on the best interests
homes, the practice is generally criticized by of the child.
mental health professionals and child advocates These are some of the more common
and is rarely ordered by a court. examples of what courts can consider.
Most states prevent judges from considering Parent’s ability to meet the child’s emotional and
the gender of the parents when awarding financial needs. A judge will consider a parent’s
custody. These laws are meant to eliminate ability and willingness to meet each child’s need
the automatic preference of awarding custody, for love, guidance, and education as well as
especially custody of very young children, to food, clothing, and medical care. The court will
their mother. consider:
• how much time each parent has available
Gender of Parent Cannot Be a Factor for the child
Judges are prohibited from favoring a parent • the time a parent has spent caring for the
based on gender when awarding custody. child before and during the divorce or
separation proceedings, and
Alabama Indiana North Dakota
• the commitment each parent has to
Alaska Kansas Oklahoma
helping the child develop emotionally and
Arizona Kentucky Oregon physically into a responsible adult.
Arkansas Maine South Dakota
California Maryland Utah Example:
Colorado Missouri Vermont Eight-year-old Sara’s father arranged his
Delaware Nebraska Virginia career so that he would be available to care
District of Columbia Nevada Washington for Sara before and after school, fix dinner,
Florida New Hampshire Wisconsin follow an evening routine, and read her a
Georgia New Mexico Wyoming bedtime story. Because of her career, her
Hawaii New York mother was much less available to provide
this kind of daily care. The judge decided
that Sara would live primarily with her father
during the school year and spend part of her
Best Interests of the Child summer living with her mother. The judge
reasoned that Sara would experience the
The standard used by courts in making custody
fewest possible disruptions by living most of
and visitation rulings is called the best interests
the time with her father.
of the child. Courts typically will place a higher
value on protecting a child’s best interests than
Every state allows a judge to order one parent
on any other factor when deciding custody and
to pay child support to the other parent. The
visitation.
idea behind this policy is to make sure that
Nearly every state has laws listing factors that
children are able to have a roughly comparable
a court should consider when assessing the
standard of living at each home. Although it is
chapter 16 | state and federal laws affecting child custody | 231
certainly important for children to have access The sexual habits and living arrangements
to some of the stability, security, and advantages of a parent may or may not be used to judge
that money can buy, poverty or living on moral fitness, depending on the state and
welfare is not a sufficient reason to deprive the circumstances. For instance, in most states, a
poorer parent of custody. judge will probably not decide that a parent
is unfit if he or she lives, unmarried, with a
Example: responsible, long-term partner. A judge will
Chris and David are seven- and ten-year- probably not consider poor behavior from many
olds whose father has dedicated his life to his years ago, so long as the parent has shown that
career, making quite a substantial salary, and he or she is currently a good parent and appears
who recently moved out of the family house. to be capable of continuing that pattern into
Their mother has not worked outside of the the future.
home since they were born, but has been a
caring and loving full-time mom. The judge
Sexual Orientation and Custody
awards custody to the mother and orders the
father to pay child support. A lesbian or gay parent faces a difficult struggle
trying to gain custody in many American
“Moral fitness” and conduct of the parents. courtrooms. This is true even if the parent’s
Some states allow a judge to consider parents’ gay or lesbian partner has been involved in
conduct—including lifestyle, living accommo parenting for much or all of the child’s life.
dations, and other factors—in deciding their Because not all states allow gay or lesbian
moral fitness. “Moral fitness” is a fairly sub parents to adopt, it can be difficult to get the
jective term and can mean different things to same legal rights to custody and visitation as
different judges. To many judges, parents are heterosexual parents.
considered morally fit if they are focused on It is fair to say that many, if not most, judges
the child; provide a safe, secure, and nurturing are ignorant about, prejudiced against, or
environment; and are generally good role suspicious of gay and lesbian parents. Only a
models. few judges understand that a parent’s sexual
Many judges consider a parent to be morally orientation, alone, does not affect the best
unfit if that parent has a series of short-term, interests of the children. But judges often use
live-in relationships or allows the children to the best interests standard to deny a gay or
be around a new partner, roommate, or friend lesbian parent custody.
who is involved in drugs or illegal activities.
For these reasons, it is possible that judges may Physical safety of the child. Because the safety
look beyond one parent’s adultery, so long as of a child is a primary concern of the courts,
they seem to be a good, caring parent and the assuring that a child will not be physically
circumstances surrounding the adultery did neglected or subject to or exposed to violence
not appear to have harmed the child. When or abuse is of utmost importance. Most states
a parent’s misconduct affects a child’s health, allow parents to physically discipline their
safety, or welfare, some states require a judge to child within reason. Most states won’t give
explain a decision that allows a violent parent custody to a parent or potential caretaker with
to win custody or unsupervised visits. a history of abuse against another parent or
232 | building a parenting agreement that works
Continuity and household stability. Courts factors that judges consider when making these
consider continuity and household stability— decisions include the amount of time the child
staying with the same parent or caretaker spends with each parent, the quality of life and
and/or living in the same residence—as an relationship the child has with each parent,
important factor in deciding child custody and the relative advantages and disadvantages
disputes. Stability is important because it means of moving or remaining with one or the other
that the child can count on some aspects of parent.
life remaining the same after the separation Other life changes may also affect custodial
and divorce. Courts prefer, therefore, to allow or visitation rights. A judge won’t modify
children to remain in the family home or the an existing custody arrangement, however,
same community, as long as there are no safety unless it is essential and appropriate to the
concerns. circumstances. If a custodial parent begins
Continuity is also an important factor that abusing drugs or neglecting the child’s welfare,
judges consider if parents want to change their for example, the court is likely to remove the
custody and visitation arrangements after the child from the situation. Often, however, a
first custody order is made. In general, unless judge will consider increasing the amount of
a parenting plan has been scheduled for review visitation time a parent has once the parent
by the court, parents can only file for a change has proven the ability to remain clean and
in their custody and visitation order if there sober and committed to providing a stable and
has been a significant change in circumstances. nurturing environment for the child.
But the definition of “significant” is a little Continuity of residence and caretaking
vague. For example, a change in one parent’s has received great recognition in the courts,
employment may be significant or insignificant, especially when a party seeking custody is a
depending on many factors. For example, a nonparent. For instance, when a child has lived
change from one 9-to-5 job to another might with a grandparent for a significant period and
have little impact on visitation. But if the new is well adjusted and happy, the importance of
job requires lots of travel, it may be hard to keeping this stable setup may mean that the
maintain the old visitation schedule. child will remain with the grandparent while
Maintaining continuity if one parent wants gradually rebuilding a relationship with a birth
to move away. Although the court cannot parent or parents. The process of rebuilding a
prevent a parent from moving, a judge can healthy parenting relationship might include
order custody to shift from the moving parent supervised visits, an order that the parent attend
to the remaining parent to preserve a child’s one or more parenting classes, or a shared
contact with the remaining parent, family custody arrangement that ensures the child will
members, schools, friends, and community. be able to keep close ties to a grandparent.
Different states and different judges will Child’s preference. Most states consider where
balance the needs of children and their parents and with whom an older child would rather
using different criteria. In some states, courts live. At most, however, the child’s wishes are one
require the moving parent to show that the factor in deciding custody, and the court can
move will have a beneficial effect on the child. follow or ignore them. In many cases, the child’s
Other courts shift the responsibility to the preference will act as a tiebreaker when both
remaining parent to show why the move would parents or potential custodians are equally fit.
be against the best interests of the child. Other
234 | building a parenting agreement that works
A judge will consider the preference only of with the other parent. Courts take interference
a suitably mature child. Usually, the older a with the other parent’s visitation rights or
child is, the more weight is given to the child’s attempts to undermine the child’s relationship
wishes. Though some states require that a with the other parent very seriously. In short, a
child of a certain age—usually 12—be able judge will consider this fundamental question:
to state a preference about a living situation In whose custody will the child have a better
and on spending time with the other parent, chance of contact with both parents? For
the judge still must make sure that choice is example, a judge may take away custody from a
in the child’s best interests. A judge will either parent who repeatedly cancels scheduled visits
ask the child directly or order a child custody for punitive or vindictive reasons.
investigation or evaluation to understand the
reasoning behind the child’s preferences and
Can Race Play a Role in Custody Decisions?
make a recommendation that would be in the
child’s best interests. The court will most likely In Palmore v. Sidoti, 466 U.S. 429 (1984),
give serious weight to the child’s choice if it the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that it was
is based on sound reasoning and achieves the unconstitutional for a court to consider
child’s long-term best interests. The court will race when a noncustodial parent petitions a
probably ignore the preference if it has been court for a change of custody. In the case, a
influenced by one of the parents, is based on white couple had divorced and the mother
promises of indulgences, or may lead to only had been awarded custody of their son.
transient happiness or enjoyment. She married an African-American man and
moved to a predominantly African-American
Example: neighborhood. The father filed a request for
Onoke is a 12-year-old boy who wants to modification of custody based on the changed
stay with his father after his parents divorce circumstance that the boy was now living
so he can stay at a junior high where he has with an African-American man in an African-
been doing well and has a circle of friends. American neighborhood. A Florida court
The judge will give Onoke’s choice more granted the modification. The U.S. Supreme
weight than if he chose to live with his dad Court reversed, ruling that societal stigma,
because he gets to stay up later and eat fast especially a racial one, cannot be the basis for a
food more often than at his mom’s. custody decision.
Parents Can Be Excused From Mediation health professionals but may also be case
If It Is Inappropriate Because of Domestic workers or other investigators who are trained
Violence, Child Abuse, or Other Reasons to assess a child’s best interests. In some states,
the court might ask the mediator to make a
Alaska Maryland North Dakota recommendation about how to resolve the
Arkansas Minnesota Oklahoma remaining issues. In especially difficult or high-
California Montana Ohio conflict cases, the court may also appoint a
Colorado North Carolina Oregon lawyer who will just represent the children’s
Delaware North Dakota Pennsylvania interests in the lawsuit.
Florida Nebraska Texas Parents often approach nonconfidential
Hawaii Nevada Utah (“recommending”) mediation differently
Iowa New Jersey Virginia than they do a confidential mediation
Indiana New Hampshire Washington process. When parents cannot agree in
Kansas New Mexico West Virginia recommending mediation, mediators will
Louisiana North Carolina Wisconsin often add information they gather from
other professionals or their own limited
Maine
investigation (consisting, when budgets allow,
of telephone calls, interviews, or home visits)
Most states consider mediation between
to the impressions they formed during their
parents who disagree about child custody and
conversations with the parents to form a
visitation issues to be confidential (meaning
recommendation that the judge can use to
what is said in mediation cannot be brought
make a final decision.
up later in court). Confidential mediation is
designed to allow parents to talk freely about Whichever approach to mediation the courts
how they think child custody and visitation in your state use, it is important to think care
decisions should be made. Often, this is a fully about how to best raise your concerns,
time when parents can express their worries, explain your views and preferences, and reflect
float ideas, and consider a range of options for what you believe to be in your children’s best
resolving their differences—without worrying interests before your mediation session begins.
that what they say will later be used against See Chapter 11 for more information on ways
them. In mediation, agreements can only to make mediation work for you.
be reached when both parents are willing to
accept the plan. When parents cannot agree on Judges Can Ask a Mediator for a
the most important issues, such as when the Recommendation on Custody and
children will be with each parent, they must go Visitation If the Parents Can’t Settle the
to court to get a final decision from a judge. Issues During Mediation
Most judges have had very little training in California Delaware South Dakota
child development issues. For these reason,
courts often look for expert opinions about
what the children in a particular family may
need. In many states, courts can request,
or order, an evaluation of the family. Child
custody evaluators are most often mental
chapter 16 | state and federal laws affecting child custody | 237
A Court Can Order a Custody parent or guardian deprived of custody may also
Investigation or Evaluation to Help It file a suit for damages against the person who
Make a Decision took the child.
Many states recognize good-cause defenses
Arizona Indiana New Mexico
to custodial interference. In most cases, a
California Kansas New York
defense negates the charge; in other situations,
Colorado Kentucky North Dakota it reduces the charge from a felony to a mis
Connecticut Michigan Ohio demeanor. Commonly accepted defenses
Delaware Minnesota South Dakota include the following:
Florida Mississippi Utah • taker has or seeks legal custody (accepted
Georgia Missouri Washington in about a dozen states)
Hawaii Montana West Virginia • taker is protecting child or self from bodily
Idaho Nevada Wisconsin harm (accepted in about one-half of the
Illinois New Jersey states), and
• taker reported taking of the child to police
or parent and promptly returned child
Child Custody Mediators Must Possess (accepted in slightly more than a dozen
Certain Educational, Training, and states).
Experience Qualifications
Arkansas Montana Oregon
Interstate Custody Disputes
California Nebraska Pennsylvania
Idaho Nevada South Dakota All states and the District of Columbia have
Indiana New Hampshire Texas
adopted the Uniform Child Custody Juris
diction Enforcement Act, or UCCJEA, which
Kansas New Jersey Utah
sets standards for when a court may make a
Kentucky North Carolina Washington
custody determination and when a court must
Louisiana North Dakota West Virginia
defer to an existing determination from another
Maryland Ohio Wisconsin
state. In general, a state may make a custody
Minnesota
decision about a child if one of the following
is true. The conditions are stated in order of
preference.
1. The state is the child’s home state—this
Interference With Custody means the child has resided in the state for
Custodial interference occurs when a parent or the six previous months, or was residing in
guardian keeps a child away from a person who the state but is absent because a parent has
has a legal right to custody. In most states, it is removed the child or kept the child outside
a crime to take a child from his or her parent or the state.
guardian with the intention of depriving that 2. There are significant connections with
person of custody. In many states, depriving a people—such as teachers, doctors, and
parent or guardian of custody is a felony if the grandparents—and substantial evidence
child is taken out of state. In most states, the in the state concerning the child’s care,
238 | building a parenting agreement that works
protection, training, and personal court in Delaware and request custody, even
relationships. though Junior is living in Missouri.)
3. The child is in the state and either has been
abandoned or is in danger of being abused The UCCJEA requires all states to honor and
or neglected if sent back to the other state. enforce child custody decrees issued anywhere
4. No other state can meet one of the above in the country (including in an Indian court),
three tests, or a state can meet at least one or issued by a foreign country. A law called
of the tests but has declined to make a the Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act, or
custody decision. PKPA (28 U.S.C. § 1738A and 42 U.S.C. §§
If a state cannot meet one of these tests, even 654, 663), is a federal statute that addresses
if the child is present in the state, the courts kidnapping by noncustodial parents and deals
of that state cannot make a custody award. with inconsistent child custody decisions made
Also, a parent who has wrongfully removed by state courts. The law provides penalties for
or kept a child in order to create a home-state kidnapping and requires states to recognize and
jurisdiction or significant connections will often enforce the custody decisions of courts in other
be denied custody. If more than one state meets states, rather than make a second, and possibly
the above standards, only one state can award inconsistent, decision.
custody. Once the first state makes a custody
award, another state cannot make another
“initial” award or modify the existing order. International
Having the same law in all states helps achieve Custody Disputes
consistency in the treatment of custody decrees.
“Comity” is a legal doctrine under which
It also helps solve many of the problems created
countries recognize and enforce the other
by kidnapping and by disagreements over
countries’ legal decrees. Under the UCCJEA,
custody between parents living in different
courts in the United States must recognize
states.
proper custody decrees of other nations. In
turn, many other countries recognize U.S.
Example:
custody orders.
Sam and Diane met and married in
Missouri. They moved to Delaware where The International Child Abduction Remedies
their child (Sam Jr.) was born. Sam, Diane, Act (12 U.S.C. §§ 601 through 610) is a federal
and Junior lived in Delaware until Junior U.S. law that enables The Hague Convention
was ten. At that time, Sam took Junior on the Civil Aspects of International Child
to Missouri to divorce Diane and raise Abduction to be followed in the United States.
Junior himself. When Sam went to court in The Hague Convention is an agreement
Missouri and requested custody, his request between the United States and over 60 other
was denied because Delaware is Junior’s nations. Its purpose is to provide for the
home state, the state where he has significant prompt return of children wrongfully removed
connections, and Sam removed Junior from or retained in any participating country, and
Delaware in an effort to create home-state to ensure that the rights of custody and access
jurisdiction in Missouri. (Diane should go to under the law of one country are effectively
respected in another. It addresses jurisdictional
chapter 16 | state and federal laws affecting child custody | 239
questions and provides common rules and Only a custodial parent is entitled to claim
procedures to determine child custody in a the child care tax credit. In general, employed
dispute that crosses international borders. custodial parents of a dependent child under the
If a child is abducted from the United States age of 13 are eligible for the credit for child care
to another country or a child is abducted expenses incurred so that the parent can earn
from another country and brought to the an income. As the custodial parent’s income
United States, you can contact the U.S. State increases, however, the credit phases out.
Department Office of Citizen and Counselor Both parents can claim a deduction for
Services for help. medical expenses actually paid, but only if those
Finally, to prevent a child from being taken medical expenses exceed 7.5% of their adjusted
out of the United States without the custodial gross income. If your total medical expenses are
parent’s consent, that parent can: high enough, you may want to allocate them to
• provide the State Department with a copy the lower wage earner so that parent can take
of a custody order showing who is the the deduction.
custodial parent, and Only a parent with physical custody (meaning
• request that the State Department custody more than half of the time) can file
withhold a child’s passport unless it is as head of household. If the parents have
requested by the custodial parent. joint legal and physical custody (and physical
custody is divided 50-50), neither can file as
head of household, because the dependent
Custody and the IRS child resides with neither parent for more than
50% of the year. If you have more than one
The following tax benefits are available to minor child and share physical custody, you can
parents to offset the cost of raising children: specify your arrangement as 51% for one child
• earned income credit with one parent and 51% for the other child
• child care credit with the other parent. Because each parent
• medical expense deductions, and has a dependent child in the home more than
• head of household filing status. 50% of the year, each parent can file as head of
household. ●
17
C H A P T E R
Additional Resources.............................................................................................................................253
National Support Organizations...............................................................................................253
Mediation Resources........................................................................................................................255
Arbitration Resources......................................................................................................................255
Domestic Violence Resources.....................................................................................................255
Alcohol or Drug Abuse Organizations...................................................................................255
Bibliography................................................................................................................................................256
chapter 17 | help beyond the book | 243
your state, and they are published in volumes any books designed to keep lawyers up-to-date.
entitled something like [name of your state] Most larger states have practice manuals, which
Reports or [name of your state] Appellate Reports, are fairly easy to use.
or possibly in a reporter for a region of the
United States, such as the Atlantic Reporter. A Doing Legal Research Online
law librarian can help you figure out exactly
The Internet is an amazing resource for research
which series of reports contains the case you are
of any kind, including legal research. You may
looking for.
be able to find your state’s laws and cases online
even more easily than you can find them at
Making Sure the Case the law library. Below is a selection of general
Is Still Good Law legal websites that can assist you in doing legal
Judges don’t go back and change the words research.
of earlier decisions, as legislatures amend old • www.nolo.com. Nolo’s website has a
statutes, but cases can still be profoundly wide array of free legal information for
affected by later court decisions. For example, consumers. You can also find links to state
any state’s highest court, usually called the and federal statutes from the site.
Supreme Court, has the power to overrule a • www.law.cornell.edu. The Legal Information
decision of a trial court or an appellate court. If Institute at Cornell Law School is a well-
it does, the trial court’s or an appellate court’s organized and easy to use general legal
written decision no longer has any legal effect. website.
There are several ways to check to make sure
• www.findlaw.com. FindLaw’s extensive
a case you’re relying on still represents valid
database allows you to search for state and
law. The most common is to use a collection of
federal statutes and cases and provides links
books called Shepard’s, which lets you compile a
to many courts around the country.
list of all later cases that mention the case you’re
interested in. Unfortunately, the Shepard’s
system is too complicated to explain here. If
More Legal Research
it’s important to you, consult one of the legal Legal research is a subject that can (and does)
research tools mentioned below, or ask the law easily fill a whole book of its own. Here are
librarian for help. some good resources if you want to delve
further into the subject:
Other Resources • For a thorough, how-to approach to
finding answers to your legal questions, see
Another important library tool may be a
Legal Research: How to Find & Understand
legal encyclopedia, such as the ALR and
the Law, by Stephen Elias & Susan
Am.Jur. series. These are indexed by subject
Levinkind (Nolo).
(such as custody, insurance, homosexuality,
guardianship) and provide a synopsis of your • For an entertaining and informative video
state’s law on the subject. presentation of the basics of legal research,
take a look at Legal Research Made Easy:
Also, ask the law librarian to show you form
A Roadmap Through the Law Library, by
books. These are collections of sample legal
Professor Robert Berring of the University
forms that lawyers use in dealing with common
of California-Berkeley (Nolo/LegalStar).
legal tasks. Finally, ask whether your state has
246 | building a parenting agreement that works
school counselor, your religious adviser, or divorce. In general, each parent has access
your family physician. If none of those lead to their own lawyer (either in the form of a
to possible candidates, you can look in your “divorce coach” or other family lawyer), and
yellow pages directory under: there are mental health professionals available to
• Counseling help parents work through the difficult feelings
• Mental Health and understand and meet their children’s needs.
If financial issues are involved, the parents
• Psychiatrists
receive information from designated financial
• Psychologists
experts (and advice from their lawyers about
• Psychotherapists, or what options might best meet their needs). At
• Social Workers. the core of this process is the agreement among
When interviewing a mental health all concerned that they will not take their
professional, you might ask questions such as: differences to court but instead will find ways
• What kind of training have you had? within the network of available professionals
• What subjects or skills did your training to reach an agreement that they can live with.
emphasize? These services are available in most states.
• How much experience have you had in
working with individuals or families going Child Custody Evaluators
through divorce or s eparation? Most child custody evaluators are mental health
• How much do you know about childhood professionals but they may not advertise these
development? evaluation services. To get a list of potential
• How well-versed are you in the effects of evaluators, you can contact your court, a court-
divorce and separation on children? connected mediation program, a local mental
health department, a family law or matrimonial
• Do you have any biases about how
law attorney, or the local bar association.
parenting issues should be settled, such as
favoring custody with the mother or joint When interviewing a child custody evaluator,
custody? you might ask all but the last question listed in
the section above for counselors, therapists, and
• What is your fee?
other mental health professionals, as well as the
• How long do you think I will need to
following:
spend with you to resolve the issues we’ve
• How long does a child custody evaluation
talked about?
take?
• What kinds of information will you be
Collaborative Law
looking for from me, the other parent, and
This relatively new type of law practice is our children?
designed to help parents work through their
• How can I help make the evaluation
divorce outside of court, with the help of
process go smoothly?
professionals, in as nonadversarial a way as
possible. In this model, a combination of
practitioners—usually lawyers, mental health
professionals, and financial experts—work
together as a team to resolve the issues in the
250 | building a parenting agreement that works
If you decide that you need an attorney’s • Do you have any specialized training other
advice, you should first decide exactly what than your legal education? (Some attorneys
kind of help you need. For example, you may have advanced legal degrees, such as in tax
want: law, which can be helpful if you are going
• general information on certain issues of through a divorce; other attorneys are
law considered specialists in particular fields;
• information on how courts in your area still others have mediation training.)
tend to decide certain questions, or • How many custody cases have you
• an analysis of what might happen if you handled?
took your case to trial. • How much do you know about childhood
Attorneys are very easy to find. You may be development?
able to get referrals from friends or relatives, a • How well-versed are you in the effects of
battered women’s shelter, or a paralegal. If you divorce and separation on children?
are gay or lesbian, are from another country, • Do you have any biases about how
are a member of a religious or ethnic minority, parenting issues should be settled, such as
have a physical disability, or are in some other favoring custody with the mother or joint
way considered a minority, you might want custody?
to find a lawyer particularly sensitive to your • What legal issues do you anticipate will
needs. Try contacting a local support group need resolving?
or legal organization in your community for • How do you feel about resolving parenting
names of possible attorneys. If none of those disputes outside of court, such as through
lead to candidates, you can contact your local mediation or arbitration?
bar association or look in your yellow pages
• How long do you think it will take to
directory.
settle the issues we’ve discussed?
What is most important is that you find
• What is your fee?
an attorney whose skills and experience are
Each question defines a slightly different role
adequate, whose style is compatible with the
for your attorney. Shopping for legal assistance
job you want performed, and who will let you
in this way can be discouraging, because many
keep control over your case. Finding someone
attorneys hesitate to give any advice without
with a lot of family or matrimonial law
full authority over the case. If you persevere,
experience is a plus, but keep looking if that
however, you’ll find an attorney willing to work
person opposes mediation (and you want it) or
with you in the way that will be best for you.
wants to take over your case entirely.
To find the right attorney for your situation,
make a list of exactly what kind of help you Legal Typing Services
want from an attorney, figure out how much (Independent Paralegals)
you can afford, and then interview two or three Thirty years ago, people who didn’t want to hire
possible candidates. Start your initial meeting a lawyer to help with a legal problem had two
by explaining your needs and asking the choices: handle the problem themselves or not
following questions: have it handled at all. Now, businesses known
as “typing services,” “legal document preparers,”
252 | building a parenting agreement that works
or “independent paralegals” exist in many places A recommendation from someone who has
to assist people in filling out the forms necessary used an independent paralegal is the best way to
to complete their own legal work. Independent find a reputable one in your area. Failing that,
paralegals often can help in routine family law services often advertise in classified sections
matters, including the preparation and filing of of newspapers under Referral Services, usually
a parenting agreement in the appropriate court immediately following attorneys. Also check
on the appropriate form. the yellow pages under Divorce Assistance or
Independent paralegals are different from Legal Help. A local legal aid office may provide
lawyers. They cannot give legal advice or a reference, as will the occasional court clerk.
represent you in court—by law, only lawyers Also, many offices advertise in local free papers.
can do those things. When you consult an When interviewing a typing service or
independent paralegal, it will still be up to you independent paralegal, you might ask questions
to decide what steps to take in your case, and such as:
to gather the information needed to complete • What kind of training have you had?
necessary court forms. Independent paralegals • Do you have experience filing forms in the
can, however: court I will be using?
• steer you to the written instructions and • Do you have experience filing all the forms
legal information you need to do your own I will be using in my case?
legal work
• Who can answer your legal questions
• provide the appropriate court forms, and about filling out the forms I will be
• type your papers in a format acceptable to submitting?
a court. • What happens if the court sends a form
The following statement, posted in Divorce back saying it is not filled out properly, or
Centers of California, a prominent typing that I need more forms prepared?
service near San Francisco, summarizes its
services well: Arbitrators
Arbitration is fairly uncommon in custody
We Are Not AttorneYS and visitation cases, but it might be considered
if you need to obtain access to specialized
We are pro per assistants. Attorneys represent
expertise. For example, parents with a special-
people. We assist people to represent
needs child might ask a specialist to evaluate
themselves. If you want someone to represent
and decide (which is what an arbitrator does)
you, you will need to hire an attorney. If you
a particularly difficult legal custody or physical
want to “do it yourself,” we can help. We believe
custody issue. (Arbitration is discussed in
that representing yourself is the only way to
Chapter 11.)
gain, and keep, control over your own life and
your own legal problems. You don’t need legal
training to use the courts or manage your own
legal affairs. You have a constitutional right to
represent yourself without an attorney. Let us
assist you!
chapter 17 | help beyond the book | 253
1. Children of divorce are entitled to parents 5. Children of divorce are entitled to be free
who set aside at least 20 minutes every month from any sense of pressure from either parent
to discuss, in person or on the phone, the to serve as informants about the ex-partner’s
progress and problems of the children—and spending, dating or other activities. If children
only the children. There should be no freely choose to chat about the other parent,
recriminations about any other topic, such that is another matter.
as money. The children’s schoolwork, health, 6. Children of divorce are entitled to have
mental state, activities and apparent reaction complete freedom to phone either parent. If
to the divorce should be the focus of such distances are involved, the calls will be collect.
talks. The children’s parents will also agree that it is
2. Children of divorce are entitled to parents permissible for the noncustodial parent to call
who go out to dinner together with them, his or her children at least once a week.
if desired by the child, on their birthdays or 7. Children of divorce are entitled to have
other important holidays. The parents should parents who agree to notify each other in all
also both go to school events important to the emergencies or important events involving the
children. children.
3. Children are entitled to have separated parents 8. Children of divorce are entitled to have
who do not belittle the other parent in front of parents who by agreement are civil and avoid
the children. recriminations when they are in the presence
4. Children of divorce are entitled to have parents of the child.
who refrain from any action that would seem
to force the children to take sides.
254 | building a parenting agreement that works
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• Alcoholism Information and Treatment, or pp. 79–83.
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Mediation: A Synthesis of Views,” Mediation North America, 1980.
Quarterly, 1987. • Wallerstein, Judith S., Ph.D.; Kelly, Joan B.,
• Saposnek, Donald T., “Aikido: A Systems Ph.D., “Effects of Divorce on the Visiting
Model for Maneuvering in Mediation,” Father-Child Relationship,” American Journal
Mediation Quarterly, 1987, pp. 119–136. of Psychiatry, 1980.
• Saposnek, Donald T., “Strategies in Child • Weeks, Dudley, Ph.D., The Eight Essential
Custody Mediation: A Family Systems Steps to Conflict Resolution, Jeremy Tarcher,
Approach,” Mediation Quarterly, 1983, Inc., 1992.
pp. 29–54. • Yahm, Howard, “Divorce Mediation: A
• Saposnek, Donald T., “The Value of Children Psychoanalytic Perspective,” Mediation
in Mediation: A Cross-Cultural Perspective,” Quarterly, 1984, pp. 59–63.
Mediation Quarterly, 1991, pp. 325–342. • Zaidel, Susan, “Challenges Facing the
• Sargent, George; Moss, Bleema, “Eriksonian Development of Family Mediation in Israel,”
Approaches in Family Therapy and Mediation Quarterly, 1991, pp. 281–292. ●
Mediation,” Mediation Quarterly, 1987,
pp. 87–100.
appe n d i x
Tear-Out Forms
Child’s name:
Child’s name:
1. List court documents, orders, or agreements that affect your family. (Note that the terms listed here
might be different in your state. See Chapter 16 for the terms used in your state.)
2. Each parent’s work schedule:
3. Children’s schedules of activities, special needs, and interests (such as school, religious training, and
after-school activities):
4. Does either parent have plans to move?
5. Does either parent have a new relationship or plan to remarry?
6. Are there any adult relatives or friends with whom the children should or should not have close
contact?
7. Is counseling needed for the children, parents, or the family?
8. Are there any special medical needs of the children, parents, or the family?
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_____ Our children will live at school and
spend time with each of us as follows [specify; include days and times of exchanges]:
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Medical, Dental, and Vision Care
_____ Our children’s medical, dental, and vision care providers will be [choose one]:
____ We will use only the following health care providers:
[medical]
[dental]
[vision]
____ We will each choose health care providers. We will exchange names, addresses, phone
numbers, and releases so that our providers can share records and information.
_____ [parent] will see to it that our children receive their routine care.
_____ Our children’s special health care needs will be met as follows [specify]:
_____ In a medical emergency [choose one]:
____ Either parent may seek medical treatment and must inform the other parent as soon as
possible thereafter.
____ Either parent may seek medical treatment, except for the following procedures or
interventions:
____ [parent] is the only person who may seek medical treatment.
_____ If our children develop an ongoing medical condition or have other special health care
concerns, we will assure consistency in their care as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ We will share all medical records.
____ We will include the medications with our children as they travel between our homes.
____ We will each fill all prescriptions and dispense the medications when caring for our
children.
____ We will exchange written instructions on needed care.
____ We will each keep whatever physical supports or enhancements our children need in our
home.
_____ Our children will receive the following dental care [specify]:
_____ Our children will receive the following vision care [specify]:
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_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Negative Comments or Remarks
_____ We will refrain from making negative comments or remarks about the other parent, that
parent’s partner, and that parent’s chosen life directly to our children or within our children’s
hearing.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Consistency in Raising Children
_____ The standards for discipline in each of our homes will be as follows [choose all that apply]
____ We will abide by the same discipline standards.
____ The following behavior rules will apply in both homes:
____ If either of us has a discipline issue with our children, that parent will explain the issue and
response to the other so we can be consistent in our discipline.
____ If our children complain about discipline in the other parent’s home, we will encourage
them to talk about it with the other parent.
____ If we cannot agree on discipline standards that will apply in both homes, we will make
an effort to understand and respect the other’s right to establish behavior rules for our
children.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Holidays
_____ This agreement covers the following holidays:
_____ Holiday visits will begin at [time] and will end at [time].
_____ We will adopt an odd year/even year plan, as follows:
____ In odd years, our children will be with [parent] for these
holidays:
_____ We will both celebrate the following holidays with our children:
and will always spend the following holidays with [other parent]:
_____ We will plan for holidays as they come up. We will decide where the children will spend their
holidays at least [specify time, such as two weeks or one month] in advance.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Education
_____ Our children will attend [choose one]:
____ public school
____ private school
____ home school
_____ We will pay for any private or home school as follows [specify]:
_____ Any decision to change schools will be made as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ If we agree.
____ After consulting our children.
____ After consulting with [parent].
____ Only [parent] may change our
children’s enrollment in a particular school.
_____ Any decisions to support our children’s special educational needs or talents will be made as
follows [choose all that apply]:
____ If we agree.
____ After consulting our children.
____ After consulting with [parent].
____ Only [parent] may decide how
to support our children’s special educational needs.
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_____ We will participate in parent associations as follows [choose one]:
____ Either parent may participate.
____ Only one parent may participate at a time.
____ [parent] will participate.
_____ We will participate in the classroom as follows [choose one]:
____ Either parent may participate.
____ Only one parent may participate at a time.
____ [parent] will participate.
_____ We will participate in parent-chaperoned events as follows [choose one]:
____ Either parent may participate.
____ Only one parent may participate at a time.
____ [parent] will participate.
_____ We will attend parent-teacher or other school conferences as follows [choose one]:
____ Both will attend.
____ Each will schedule a meeting with the teacher or other school official.
____ [parent] attend and will inform the other of the
matters discussed.
____ [parent] attend and will not inform the other of the
matters discussed.
_____ Any emergency contact information needed by a school will be completed as follows [choose
one]:
____ We both will be listed in the following order:
____ Only [parent] will be listed.
____ Others to be listed will be [list names]:
_____ Good school performance means:
We will encourage good school performance as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ After discussion and agreement.
____ After consultation with our children.
____ With the following rewards:
_____ Poor school performance means:
_____ Our children [check one] may may not attend sex education classes at school.
[parent] will notify the school of this decision.
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_____ Our children’s education after high schoolwill be paid for as follows [specify]:
_____ Any decisions regarding our children’s options for education after high school will be made as
follows [choose all that apply]:
____ By agreement between parents and children.
____ Based on the children’s interest and ability to be accepted at a particular school.
____ Based on what we can afford.
____ Other [specify]:
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Insurance
_____ Our children’s medical insurance will be provided as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ We both will obtain coverage if it is affordable through an employer.
____ We will share the costs of any uncovered expenses as follows [specify]:
____ [parent] will obtain
coverage up to $_____________ under the following conditions [choose all that apply]:
____ Type of coverage:
____ Named beneficiaries:
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_____ We will obtain life insurance coverage as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ We both will obtain coverage if it is affordable through an employer.
____ [parent] will obtain
coverage up to $_____________ under the following conditions [choose all that apply]:
____ Type of coverage:
____ Named beneficiaries:
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_____ We will participate in the following, at either parent’s request [choose all that apply]:
____ counseling
____ mediation
____ arbitration
____ meeting with attorney[s]
____ other: [specify]
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Labeling the Custody Arrangement
_____ The custody of our children will be as follows [choose one]: (Note: Read Chapter 16 before
completing this option. Your state may require you to differentiate between legal and physical
custody.)
____ sole custody
____ legal
____ physical
____ joint custody
____ legal
____ physical
____ joint custody, to mean that we will make decisions and share time with our children as
follows [specify]:
____ split custody
____ [parent] will have custody of
[children’s names].
____ [other parent] will have custody of
[children’s names].
____ [other adult] will
have custody of our children.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Exchanging Information
_____ We will not ask our children to carry messages between us.
_____ We will share information about the children [choose all that apply]:
____ at least every [specify interval of time]
____ with each exchange of our children
____ the day or evening before an exchange
____ as needed
_____ [Parent/We] will assume the responsibility to establish contact with the appropriate sources of
information regarding our children’s [choose all that apply]:
____ health care
____ school
____ sports
____ other: [specify]
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_____ We will communicate with each other [choose all that apply]:
____ in person
____ by telephone
____ by letter
____ by email
____ other: [specify]
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Child Care
_____ In securing child care, we will proceed as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ Any child care provider will [choose all that apply]:
____ be a licensed child care provider
____ be over the age of
____ be a relative or close friend
____ not care for more than children at any time when our children are there
____ come into the home
____ other: [specify]
_____ Each parent has the discretion to select the child care provider, but may not use [list names or
traits unacceptable]:
_____ Each parent will call the other first to care for the children in that parent’s absence.
_____ We will try to share child care responsibilities with neighbors and friends.
_____ Our children can care for themselves, but [other adult]
will check in with them.
_____ Our children can care for themselves as long as they follow these rules:
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Special Occasions and Family Events
_____ Special occasions and family events are defined as follows:
_____ We will attend special occasions and family events together whenever possible.
_____ We will attend special occasions and family events as our children wish.
_____ We will attend special occasions and family events as we decide.
_____ [parent] will attend the following
special occasions and family events:
_____ [parent] will attend the following
special occasions and family events:
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_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Vacations
_____ We will inform each other at least [period of time] in advance of any
planned vacation.
_____ We will provide each other with an itinerary of any trip, and contact information.
_____ Our children may accompany one of us on a vacation under the following conditions:
____ Any time missed from a regularly scheduled visit with the other parent will be made up as
follows:
____ Travel will be restricted to:
____ local area
____ in state
____ in the United States
____ the following countries:
____ Activities will be limited to
____ Activities will not include
____ Our children will not be away for longer than
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Outside Activities
_____ Our children may participate in [list all appropriate activities]:
_____ Our children may not participate in [list all appropriate activities]:
_____ We will make decisions about which activities our children may participate in as follows:
____ By consensus agreement.
____ [parent’s name] may make decisions about
[fill in the blank] activities.
____ [parent’s name] may make decisions about
[fill in the blank] activities.
_____ We will use the decision-making process outlined in issue # [fill in the right number from
your completed agreement. This section refers to Issue Number 8 in Chapter 6 called “Making
Decisions”].
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
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#___ Transportation Between Parents’ Homes
_____ Transporting our children between our homes will be as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ We will meet for exchanges at [specify time and location].
____ We will alternate transporting our children back and forth.
____ [parent] will actually transport our children and
[other parent] will share in costs as follows:
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_____ Our children will be given their own telephone line.
____ [parent] will be responsible to teach telephone rules.
____ [parent or children] will be responsible for telephone
bills.
_____ [parent] and the children can also communicate by:
____ letter
____ audio- or videotapes
____ email or electronic conferencing
____ other: [specify]
_____ Visits with [parent] will include a midweek dinner on
[day of week] as follows [specify time for exchange]:
_____ We will arrange for our children to communicate with [parent]
while our children are away on vacation.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Grandparents, Relatives, and Important Friends
_____ Our children will maintain their relationships with grandparents, other relatives, and important
friends as follows:
#___ Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care
_____ Our children may undergo psychiatric or other mental health care as follows [choose all that
apply]:
____ if either parent feels it is necessary
____ if it is recommended by a school counselor or other health care provider
____ only if we agree
____ only if it is made available through the school
____ only if it is available at low or no cost to us
_____ Either of us may undergo psychiatric or other mental health care as follows [choose all that
apply]:
____ if either parent feels it is necessary
____ if it is recommended by a school counselor or other health care provider
____ only if we agree
____ only if it is made available through the school
____ only if it is available at low or no cost to us
_____ Our children’s other mental health issues, such as [specify],
will be addressed as follows [specify]:
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#___ Religious Training
_____ Our children’s religious training will be as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ Our children will be raised [specify].
____ Our children will be taught about both of our religions:
and .
____ Our children may choose their religious training as long as it generally conforms to the
principles of the religion.
____ Our children may choose their religious training.
[parent] will supervise such training.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Surname
_____ Our children’s surname is .
Any decision to change that surname will be made as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ Our children will keep this surname until they become legal adults.
____ Our children may choose their surname.
____ Our children may choose their surname after age .
____ We will discuss and agree on any change of surname.
____ [parent] has the
authority to change our children’s surname.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Treating Each Child as an Individual
_____ Each of our children will sometimes need separate or special time with each of us. Therefore, we
will set up short separate visits as follows [specify]:
_____ Each of our children will sometimes need separate or special time with each of us. Therefore, we
will set up separate time for each child while visiting together as follows [specify]:
_____ Each of our children will sometimes need separate or special time with each of us. Therefore, we
further agree that [specify]:
#___ Separating the Adult Relationship Issues From the Parenting Issues
_____ We agree that we will separate our adult relationship issues from the parenting issues as follows
[choose all that apply]:
____ agree to resolve all parenting decisions first
____ schedule separate telephone calls
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____ arrange to discuss adult relationship issues when away from our children
____ discuss adult relationship issues during joint counseling sessions
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Making Routine Changes
_____ We will regularly review this agreement as follows: [list
dates or frequency, as appropriate]
_____ We will review this agreement when problems arise.
_____ Reviews will be:
____ by telephone
____ in person
____ through:
____ counseling
____ mediation
____ arbitration
____ other: [specify]
_____ Our children may participate in the discussions.
_____ Our children may participate in the decisions.
#___ Making Big Changes
_____ If we negotiate a substantive modification of this agreement,
[parent] will prepare (or make sure that someone else prepares) a summary of the agreement so
that we may obtain a court order incorporating our changes. Each parent will be responsible to
review the agreement prior to its submission to the court, and to seek independent advice on
the agreement to ensure that it says what we intend it to say, accomplishes our objectives, and
is within the general parameters of what a court is likely to approve.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Explaining the Agreement to Our Children
_____ We’ll both sit down together with our children to explain this agreement to them.
_____ [parent] will explain this agreement to our children.
[other parent] will be available to answer any
questions the children might have.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, and Child Neglect
_____ If events such as [specify] occur,
[parent] may seek a restraining order from the court that
will [specify]:
_____ Anyone providing care for our children other than a parent will be told about any existing
restraining orders.
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_____ [parent] will seek counseling
from [provider] regarding
[specify]; also [choose all that apply]:
____ Parent and provider will be permitted to determine when the need for counseling has
concluded.
____ At the conclusion of parent’s counseling, provider will send a letter to
[other parent] indicating that counseling has concluded to
the parent and provider’s satisfaction.
_____ We will offer counseling and emotional support to our children as indicated in Issue #
[Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care].
_____ If our children are exposed to a violent or otherwise dangerous situation, the parent in whose
care they are will remove them from the situation and, if necessary, find another adult to
provide care for them.
_____ Our children may call [adult’s name] if
they fear for their safety while in ’s [parent] care. This
adult will care for the children until he/she receives different instructions from the other parent.
_____ We will seek an independent evaluation regarding
[specify] for help in how we might best address this situation.
_____ The time the children are with [parent] will
be supervised by [other adult] to ensure the
children’s safety and well-being. The supervised visits will continue until [choose all that apply]:
____ Our children feel ready to spend time alone with .
____ A counselor indicates that the supervision is unnecessary.
____ Other: [specify]
_____ From until ,
[parent] will not spend time with our children.
____ During that time, [parent] will
maintain contact with our children via [choose all that apply]:
____ phone
____ letter
____ email
____ other: [specify]
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Alcohol or Drug Abuse
_____ [parent] will attend a 12-step
or similar program.
_____ [parent] will seek counseling
from [provider] to
deal with the substance abuse; also [choose all that apply]:
____ Parent and provider will be permitted to determine when the need for counseling has
concluded.
____ At the conclusion of parent’s counseling, provider will send a letter to
[other parent] indicating that
counseling has concluded to the parent and provider’s satisfaction.
____ During the time [parent] is seeking treatment,
[parent] will maintain contact with our
children via [choose all that apply]:
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____ phone
____ letter
____ email
____ other: [specify]
_____ [parent] will modify his/her
behavior around our children so that he/she is “sober” as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ Will not operate a motor vehicle within hours of consuming drugs or alcohol.
____ Will not consume drugs or alcohol for at least hours before visits with the
children.
____ Will submit to a drug and alcohol screening test performed by
[name of organization].
____ The time the children are with [parent] will be supervised
by [other adult] to ensure the children’s
safety and well-being. The supervised visits will continue until [choose all that apply]:
____ Our children feel ready to spend time alone with .
____ A counselor indicates that the supervision is unnecessary.
____ Other: [specify]
____ [parent] will prevent others
from consuming drugs or alcohol while our children are in [his/her] care.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship
_____ We will encourage and support our children in maintaining a good relationship with the other
parent. If either of us feels that the other is undermining our relationship with our children, we
will proceed as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ We will discuss the matter and try to reach an agreement.
____ We will resolve the dispute through:
____ counseling
____ mediation
____ arbitration
____ other: [specify]
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Denying Access to the Children
_____ If either of us is denied physical access to our children, contact with them, or information about
them, we will proceed as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ We will discuss the matter and try to reach an agreement that will involve reinstating a
visitation schedule.
____ We will resolve the dispute through:
____ counseling
____ mediation
____ arbitration
____ other: [specify]
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
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#___ If Extended Family Members or Close Friends Are Fueling the Dispute
_____ We will encourage our children to have ongoing relationships with members of our extended
family and with our close friends as long as those relationships are healthy and do not make
disputes we have over parenting or adult relationship issues worse.
_____ If a family member or close friend is fueling our disputes over parenting or adult relationship
issues, we agree that, as appropriate, either the parent who has the most frequent contact with
this person, or both parents will:
____ limit the information shared with this person
____ schedule a “family meeting” to discuss the matter, and identify ways it can be addressed
and resolved
____ ask an attorney to explain the matter to the family member or friend, and ask him or her
to stop whatever behaviors are fueling the dispute
____ schedule a mediation session with the family member or friend to discuss the matter and
find ways it can be addressed and resolved
____ create a talking circle among the extended family or among close friends to discuss the
matter and find ways it can be addressed and resolved
____ get a court order to have the family member or friend stop the behavior that is fueling
the dispute
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Moving
_____ We agree that in the event either parent plans to relocate from
[describe community, county, state], that parent will
provide the other parent with at least days’ notice in order to allow us to
assess the impact that this move will have on our current parenting arrangements, and to
renegotiate or modify the agreement accordingly.
_____ We agree that neither parent plans to relocate now, but in the event either parent wishes to
relocate in the future, we will consider the following [choose all that apply]:
____ having both parents relocate
____ changing physical custody of the children to the remaining parent
____ allowing a move as long as it is no more than miles from current address
____ allowing a move as long as the new home is in the same county
____ allowing a move as long as our children are under age / over age
____ time a move with a change in schools
____ allowing our children to chose whether they will move after age
____ allowing the parent to relocate as planned
____ finding new ways to meet both parents’ needs and goals so that both parents can remain
in the area
____ We agree that [parent] will
move to [specify] on or after
[date], and after that time, our parenting agreement will be as follows:
____ It will remain as currently drafted.
____ It will change as follows [specify]:
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_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ When Parenting Styles and Values Are Very Different
_____ Although our parenting styles are very different, we agree to try the following strategies to
minimize the effect of those differences on our children [choose all that apply]:
____ We will focus our attention and conversations on our children, rather than on each other.
____ We will encourage our children to explore the following aspects of each of our cultural
heritages [specify]:
____ We respect the other’s right to establish an independent life with our children, as long as
it is not detrimental to our children.
____ If our living arrangement exacerbates the problems our children experience because of
our different styles and values, we will consider modifying that arrangement.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ When a Parent Needs to Develop Parenting Skills
_____ [parent] will work on improving
his/her parenting skills as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ will attend parenting classes through .
____ will review written materials on parenting
____ will attend counseling with
to deal with and resolve these issues.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ When Parents Have New Partners
_____ We will resolve issues surrounding a parent’s new partner as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ Our children will always know that we are their parents, regardless of their attachment to
a parent’s new partner.
____ Our children will refer to new partners as .
____ The adults and the children will have separate sleeping quarters.
____ Any new partner will participate in decisions regarding the children as follows [specify]:
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ If Our Homes Are Far Apart
_____ If there is a considerable distance between our homes, we agree as follows [choose all that
apply]:
____ The children will spend the school year with
[parent] and the summers with [other parent].
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____ The children will live with [parent]
for [specify grade or school level] and with
[other parent] for [specify grade or
school level].
____ The children will reside at [name of school] and will visit
with each parent as follows [specify; be consistent with the options you choose under
holidays and vacations]:
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ When Nonrelatives Live in the Home
_____ If either of us lives with nonrelatives, our children will have separate sleeping quarters from the
adults.
_____ [parent] will be responsible to make sure
that no one in the house consumes nonprescription drugs or becomes a danger to our children
because of intoxication.
_____ [parent] will be responsible to make sure
the number of other visitors is kept reasonable.
_____ A nonrelative may not care for our children in the parent’s absence.
_____ A nonrelative may not discipline our children in the parent’s absence.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Reinvolving a Parent Who Has Been Absent
_____ [parent] has been absent from our
children’s life for [period of time], and now wishes to become
reinvolved. To make this transition easier for all of us, we agree as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ We will both seek counseling.
____ Our children will receive counseling.
____ We will focus our attention and conversations on our children.
____ We will build up the amount of time [parent]
spends with our children as follows:
____ [parent] will retain the support
systems and schedules he/she established while [parent]
was absent, as follows:
____ To make sure that ’s [parent] reentry into
our children’s lives is for the long term, we will make necessary modifications to this
agreement on or before [specify date].
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
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#___ Driving and Owning a Car, Motorcycle, or Off-Road Vehicle
_____ We will permit our children to own a car.
_____ We will not permit our children to own a car.
_____ We will permit our children to drive a car under the following conditions [choose all that apply]:
____ After completing a certified training course.
____ With the consent of [one or both parents].
____ With adult supervision.
____ Driving only on unpaved roads.
____ Using a family car.
____ After buying a car.
____ After being given a car.
____ After paying their own car insurance.
____ They must pay for any tickets received while operating the car.
_____ We will permit our children to own a motorcycle.
_____ We will not permit our children to own a motorcycle under any circumstances.
_____ We will permit our children to drive a motorcycle under the following conditions [choose all
that apply]:
____ After completing a certified training course.
____ With the consent of [one or both parents]
____ With adult supervision.
____ Driving only on unpaved roads.
____ Using a family motorcycle.
____ After buying a motorcycle.
____ After being given a motorcycle.
____ After paying their own motorcycle insurance.
____ They must pay for any tickets received while operating the motorcycle.
_____ We will permit our children to own an off-road vehicle.
_____ We will not permit our children to own an off-road vehicle under any circumstances.
_____ We will permit our children to drive an off-road vehicle under the following conditions [choose
all that apply]:
____ After completing a certified training course.
____ With the consent of [one or both parents]
____ With adult supervision.
____ Driving only on unpaved roads.
____ Using a family off-road vehicle.
____ After buying an off-road vehicle.
____ After being given an off-road vehicle.
____ After paying their own off-road vehicle insurance.
____ They must pay for any tickets received while operating the off-road vehicle.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ International Travel and Passports
_____ Our children may obtain a passport under the following conditions [choose one]:
____ Either parent may obtain a passport if it is necessary for travel.
____ Either parent may obtain a passport, but our children may travel out of the country only
if the other parent approves of the itinerary and the dates of the trip.
____ Either parent may obtain a passport, but our children may not travel out of the country
Parenting Agreement
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unless [adult’s name] travels with them.
____ A passport may not be issued to our children under any circumstances.
____ Only may obtain a passport for the children.
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Military Service
_____ Our children may enter military service if they are under legal age as follows [choose all that
apply]:
____ if they so choose
____ in the event of a war
____ if they are at least age
____ if we both agree
____ if [parent] consents
____ never
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
#___ Allowing Underage Marriage
_____ Our children may marry if they are under the legal age as follows [choose all that apply]:
____ if they so choose
____ in the event of a pregnancy
____ if they are at least age
____ if we both agree
____ if [parent] consents
____ never
_____ We further agree that [specify]:
D. Responsibility to Prepare a Final Draft of This Agreement. [parent]
will prepare a final draft of this agreement. Both parents will be responsible to review the agreement for
completeness and accuracy. By [date], both parents will have made any necessary
changes and [parent] will conform this agreement to the
specifications of the court for inclusion in an order of the court.
Signature Date
Signature Date
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Index
Nontraditional families
N
classification of, 220
National support organizations, 253-255 conflict resolution in, 225
Negotiation with new partner, 226
agenda for, 47 parents in, 220-224
alimony, 174-175 traditions in, 226
attorney present during, 53
changes to parenting agreement, 125-126
child support, 174-175 O
conflict effects on, 40-46
Off-road vehicles, 160-161
definition of, 15
Open-adoptive family, 220
domestic violence considerations, 17
Opening statements by parents in mediation,
example of, 54
181-182
goal setting for, 46
Outside activities, 108-109
ground rules for, 46
Ovum donors, 223
impasses during, 51-55
mediation used for, 15, 182-183
meeting for, 47 P
power balances during, 53, 55
Paralegals, 57, 251-252
professional resources for, 56-58
Parallel parenting, 55
setting for, 47
Parent(s)
spousal support, 174-175
biological, nonlegal, 222-223
strategies for, 46-51
businesslike relationship between, 102, 158
structuring of, 50
“choosing” of, 23
success in, 40, 50-51
conduct of, 231
what you need and want from, 39-40
cooperation among, 63
New partners
opening statements by, in mediation, 181-182
child care by, 105
strengths of, 46, 52
considerations for, 204
termination of rights, 95
discipline by, 154
undermining relationships with, 43-45, 137-138
explaining to child, 154-156, 204, 226
See also Divorced parents; Father; Mother;
jealousy toward, 105
Noncustodial parent
name for, 226
Parent A, 92-93
nontraditional family created with, 225-226
Parent B, 92-93
parenting agreement provisions for, 154-156
Parent educator, 57
role of, 204
Parent orientation, 58
New rituals, 113
Parental Kidnapping Prevention Act, 238
Nonbinding arbitration, 193
Parent-child relationship, 22, 34-35, 43-45,
Noncustodial parent
137-138, 203, 234
moving prevented by, 147
switching of custody to, 148
328 | building a parenting agreement that works
Sexual abuse
independent evaluation of, 134
T
protecting children against, 44 Taxes, 239
truthfulness of allegations, 134 Teenagers. See Adolescents
See also Child abuse; Emotional abuse Telephone calls, 115, 123
Shared custody, 24 Temporary agreements, 92
Siblings, 232 “Tender years” doctrine, 95
Single-parent family, 220 Termination of parental rights, 95
Smoking, 232 Therapists
Social worker, 57, 130, 235 dispute resolution using, 92
Sole custody finding of, 248-249
awarding of, 229 use of, 53
description of, 24, 94, 96 Third-party custody, 96-97
modifications to, 160 Tobacco smoking, 232
by mother, 24 Toddlers, 207
Special master, 57, 235 Traditions, 226
Special occasions, 106-107 Transitions
Special-needs child, 84, 211-212 agreement provisions for, 111-113
Split custody, 94, 96, 229-230 description of, 54
Spousal support Transporting of child, 109-111
negotiating of, 174-175 Travel
prenuptial agreement effects on, 173-174 international, 162-163
self-support ability and, 172-173 parenting agreement provisions for, 109-111,
understanding of, 171-174 162-163
Standard of living Trust
alimony and, 173 description of, 12, 40
child support and, 170 with previously absent parent now becoming
States reinvolved with child, 158
child support laws, 231 reestablishing of, 51-52
custody affected by, 228-238 Trustworthiness, 51
interstate custody disputes, 238-239 Twelve-step programs, 58
legal research, 243-245 12-step recovery program, 135
Statutes, 244 Typing services, 251-252
Stepfamily, 154, 220
Stepparents, 223
Substance-abuse programs, 58
U
Supervised visits, 134-135 Underage marriage, 164
Support. See Child support Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction Enforcement
Surname, 120-121 Act, 228
Surrogate mothers, 222 Unmarried couples, 220
index | 331