BABY BRO

"Pilot"
Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2018
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
SARAH (48) and BRIAN (48) are seated at a kitchen table, and
they each have a sandwich on their plate.
SARAH
So. What are we gonna do for our
anniversary?

BRIAN
Whatever.
SARAH
You could try being a little more
romantic.

BRIAN
I’m very romantic. I mean, I’m
having a nice, intimate Sunday
lunch with you right now.

SARAH
Yeah. Right now. During the
halftime of a football game. In
eight minutes, you’re gonna go back
to watching football.

BRIAN
(looks at his watch)
Actually, the second half starts in
five minutes. So, yeah. If you’re
looking for romance, I guess we can
cuddle in between the afternoon
game and the night game. But I’m
only gonna be in the mood for that
if the Cardinals win.
SARAH
Or how about if the Cardinals win,
you go to the stadium and you
cuddle with the quarterback?
BRIAN
Listen. I’m devoted to you. Not
him. I’m not gonna cuddle with some
sweaty quarterback. Unless he wins
the Super Bowl.
They eat for a few seconds.
SARAH
... Did you smoke marijuana when
you were in college?
 2.

BRIAN
Maybe a few times. Why? Do my eyes
look red?
SARAH
It’s just, I heard something on the
news about how three out of four
college students smoke marijuana.
And, uh... do you think Becky
smokes marijuana?

BRIAN
Um. I can check.
SARAH
How?

Brian takes out his cell phone and calls someone.

BRIAN
(on phone)
Hi Becky. ... So how’s it going
with your classes and stuff? ...
Great. And, uh, is your dorm room
clean? ... That’s good. Um. if
you’re not too busy, can you send
over five ounces of your urine? ...
We’re just gonna check for
marijuana. Apparently, three out of
four college students smoke that
stuff. By the way--your mom says
hi. ... OK. Bye.
He puts away the phone.

BRIAN
Becky says hi. And she says she’s
not high. She’s not high on
marijuana.

SARAH
Isn’t it weird not having her at
home anymore?
BRIAN
Sort of. Eat your sandwich.

SARAH
You think she’ll move back in after
college?
 3.

BRIAN
I don’t know. We’ll find out in
three and a half years. Eat your
sandwich.

SARAH
Do you think we should’ve had more
kids?
BRIAN
Honey--we have one daughter that I
love very much. Eat your sandwich.
SARAH
But now Becky’s in college, and we
have no one to share our sandwiches
with.

BRIAN
How about after she sends over her
urine, I send her a box of
sandwiches?

SARAH
How about we drive to Tuscon and
deliver the sandwiches to her?
BRIAN
Honey--she’s in college now.
Seventy five miles away. Okay? She
needs her space. Seventy five
miles.
SARAH
Brian--you make it sound like she
has a restraining order against us.

He takes a bite of his sandwich.

SARAH
Do you think it was weird for
Becky, growing up as an only child?
BRIAN
I’m an only child, too. It’s not
weird.
SARAH
You’re not an only child.
 4.

BRIAN
You know what I mean. I’m twenty
nine years older than my brother.
Now that’s weird. When I was thirty
five, I taught my brother how to
tie his shoes. And when I was forty
five, my brother taught me how to
use Tinder.

SARAH
... Why are you using Tinder?
BRIAN
I’m not. Collin just taught me what
it is.

She stares at him.

BRIAN
I don’t have Tinder, honey. Check
my phone. The only app I have is
the one that lets you know how much
time is left before the second half
of a football game is about to
start.
His phone makes a sound.

BRIAN
And there it is. That’s the second
half signal.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

Brian is sitting on the sofa, watching football on TV. He

uses a knife to eat peanut butter directly out of a jar, and
seconds later, he drinks milk directly out of a carton. The
doorbell rings, and Brian opens the door to reveal his
parents CAL (75) and JESSICA (68).

BRIAN
Uh. Hi mom. Hi dad. What brings the
two of you here?

JESSICA
We were just nearby, and we wanted
to talk to you for a few minutes
about something.
BRIAN
OK. Come in.
They walk in.
 5.

JESSICA
Is Sarah home?
BRIAN
She just left.

They walk towards the sofa, and see the milk and peanut
butter on the table.
JESSICA
(to Brian)
Did you run out of plates, and
glasses, and bread?
BRIAN
No. It’s just, I’m a man--and men
basically eat like slobs when
they’re alone.
JESSICA
I see.
They all sit.

BRIAN
So. What’s up?
JESSICA
We’re, uh--we’re going on a trip
next week.
BRIAN
To where?
JESSICA
Jerome.
BRIAN
Who?

CAL
Not who. Where.
BRIAN
What?

CAL
Jerome is a small town, about an
hour north of Phoenix. We’re going
there. And we need you to uh, you
know, watch after some of our stuff
while we’re gone.
 6.

BRIAN
Okay. When are you leaving?
JESSICA
Thursday.

BRIAN
And when are you coming back?
CAL
Never.

BRIAN
... So, do you want me to feed your
goldfish?
CAL
No. We’re taking Tyrone with us.
BRIAN
Tyrone?
CAL
We named our goldfish Tyrone, after
Tyrone Power, You know. In the The
Mississippi Gambler, Tyrone Power
says, "I smell something fishy."
BRIAN
Dad--I don’t even know who the hell
Tyrone Power is. Now why are you
guys moving?
CAL
You see, uh, as you know, we’ve
always wanted to live in a small
town in Arizona.
BRIAN
I didn’t know that.

CAL
Okay. Well. Um. ... There’s
something you don’t know about me
and your mother.
BRIAN
What?
CAL
We’ve always wanted to live in a
small town in Arizona. And, uh, now
we’re gonna go there, and live on
(MORE)
 7.

CAL (cont’d)
our Social Security money and your
brother’s college money.
BRIAN
College money? Doesn’t Collin need
his college money to go to, um,
college?
JESSICA
He dropped out of college.

CAL
And he’s moving in here with you.
BRIAN
Collin left college.

CAL
Right.
BRIAN
And he’s moving in here with me.

CAL
That’s correct.
BRIAN
Hm. Well, how about instead of
that, I take Tyrone the goldfish,
and you take Collin the high school
dropout?
CAL
How about I take off my belt and
whip your ass?
JESSICA
Brian--we really think Collin
should live here for a little
while. It’ll do him a lot of good.
Just give him a room.
CAL
And a job.
BRIAN
What?!
JESSICA
Brian. Listen. At my age, I’m not
so sure it makes sense to have my
unemployed nineteen year old
(MORE)
 8.

JESSICA (cont’d)
college dropout son living at home
with me.

BRIAN
That’s a good point, mom. Maybe you
should’ve thought about that when
you got pregnant at age forty nine.

JESSICA
(sarcastically)
Well--what can I say? I was young,
I was naive.

BRIAN
Mom. Can you try sounding more like
those girls on The Golden Girls,
and less like those girls on 16 and
Pregnant?

CAL
What the hell is 16 and Pregnant?
BRIAN
It’s a show that doesn’t star
Tyrone Power.

JESSICA
So are you gonna take in Collin or
what?

BRIAN
Why don’t you just give Collin his
college money, so he can get his
own place?
CAL
Why don’t I just take off my belt
and whip your ass?
JESSICA
Brian. Your brother needs some
guidance. And not the type of
guidance that can come from a
father who spends all day talking
about Tyrone Power and whipping
asses.
CAL
What’s wrong with Tyrone Power? He
was a magnificent actor. Much
better than that new kid, Tom
Hanks.
 9.

JESSICA
Cal--Tom Hanks is not a new kid.
He’s on Social Security.
(to Brian)
See what I mean? Your father is
still living in 1978.
CAL
That’s not true. I have an iPhone.
JESSICA
And you use it to watch Johnny
Carson tell jokes about Jimmy
Carter.
CAL
(to Brian)
Son. She makes a good point.
INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Brian is sitting on the sofa. Sarah walks in.

SARAH
Hi, honey.
BRIAN
Hi.

She sits down next to him.

BRIAN
So. How was your day?

SARAH
Well. I gave violin lessons to a
five year old who, on three
separate occasions, told me, and I
quote, "The violin is a stupid
asshole." How was your day?

BRIAN
Well. You know. Football. Beer.
Peanut butter. Milk.
SARAH
Anything else?

BRIAN
Well. Let’s see. Oh. My parents
are taking Tyrone to Jerome.
 10.

SARAH
Tyrone to Jerome? Isn’t that the
plot to Boyz in the Hood?
BRIAN
Let me clarify. My parents are
moving. To a city called Jerome.
They’re gonna go there with their
goldfish Tyrone. Are you with me so
far?

SARAH
Uh. Yeah. I think so.
BRIAN
Okay. Well. In addition to that, my
brother dropped out of college--and
apparently, he’s gonna work for
me. And live with me.
SARAH
Live with you where?

BRIAN
Um. Here?
SARAH
Um. No?

The doorbell rings. Brian and Sarah answer it to reveal

COLLIN (19). There”s a suitcase near him, and he’s holding a
box.
COLLIN
Hey. I brought you guys a gift.
It’s a bag of Cheetos. I put it in
a box. You know. For gifting
purposes.
INT. COLLIN’S ROOM - NIGHT

(Later)
Brian opens the door. COLLIN (19) rolls a suitcase in, while
Brian follows him in.

BRIAN
Okay, Collin. This is your room. On
a trial basis.
COLLIN
Awesome. And you’re awesome. I love
you, bro!
 11.

He gives Brian an overly enthusiastic hug.

COLLIN
No one’s ever given me a room
before. The best gift I’ve ever
gotten before this is a car.

BRIAN
Who gave you a car?
COLLIN
My high school principal. He said
he’d give me a car if I promised to
transfer to another school. That’s
how I got my 1993 Ford Taurus.
BRIAN
Well. Maybe if you transfer to
another country, someone will give
you a Mercedes.
COLLIN
Or better yet, a Hummer. Imagine
how badass it would be for me to
drive a Hummer in, like, Canada.
BRIAN
Okay. Uh. Why don’t you just go
ahead and get settled in here.

Collin takes a pine cone car air freshener out of his

pocket, removes it from the plastic packaging, and then
hangs it on the doorknob.
BRIAN
Hm. What are you doing?
COLLIN
I’m just trying to give the room
its own distinctive smell. So when
people smell pine cones, they’ll
think, "Oh. This is Collin’s room."
BRIAN
Well.
(touches the air freshener)
That sounds a little insane. But
very creative. You’re a creative
guy.
COLLIN
Is that why you’re giving me a job?
 12.

BRIAN
Yeah. Any time I see someone
hanging a car air freshener on a
doorknob, I want to employ him.

COLLIN
Yeah. I know the feeling. Great.
So, uh, when do we have to be at
work tomorrow?
BRIAN
9:30.
COLLIN
That’s early. What about the day
after tomorrow?
BRIAN
What about it?
COLLIN
What time does work start that day?

BRIAN
9:30. It’s pretty much 9:30 every
day.
COLLIN
Well, what about the union?

BRIAN
What union?
COLLIN
The union. You know. If I join the
union, don’t I get better working
hours?
BRIAN
There’s no union.

COLLIN
So, like, there’s... a Confederacy?
BRIAN
Well. Last Tuesday, Jefferson Davis
got into an argument with Robert E.
Lee next to our water cooler, and
the Confederacy disbanded.
Sarah walks in.
 13.

SARAH
How are you guys doing?

BRIAN
Well. Let me put it this way.
There’s a car air freshener on the
doorknob.
COLLIN
(to Sarah)
Let me just take this moment to
thank you for giving me this room.
It’s awesome! It has, like, a
window, and furniture, and
cleanliness.

SARAH
Uh. Yeah.
CAL
When I was in college, I lived with
four guys in an apartment--and
there wasn’t much
cleanliness. Except for when one of
my roommates’ girlfriends lived
with us for, like, three weeks. She
was, like OCD-ish, and she cleaned
everything, and she even organized
her boyfriend’s socks. But then the
two of them got into a crazy fight,
and he got so pissed off, that he
just started throwing his socks
everywhere. Let me show you.
He opens his suitcase, digs through its contents and grabs
some loose tube socks.
COLLIN
He was all like,
(throws his socks, picks them
up, and throws them again as
he says in his roommate’s
voice:)
There you go, Jenny! Socks! Socks!
Socks everywhere! Everywhere but in
a drawer!
(gets on the floor and starts
swimming in socks)
I’m swimming in socks! I’m swimming
in them! I’m the Michael Phelps of
socks!
(stops swimming and gets up)
He did it just like that, in the
living room.
 14.

BRIAN
Collin. Calm down.
COLLIN
Anyways, they broke up after the
sock fight. And my roommate, he
just left, like, a hundred pairs of
his socks lying around the
apartment! Nobody cleaned them up.
And he picked up two socks every
day to put them on and wear
them--and it took like two months
for him to go through all of those
socks. It was like our living room
was his sock closet. Oh. And my
other roommate recorded the fight
on his phone, and he put the whole
thing on YouTube. You want to see
it?
BRIAN
I’m not sure.

Collin takes out his cell phone and starts typing on it.
Brian and Sarah look at each other.
COLLIN
Here it is.

He shows them a video on his cell phone.

MAN (IN VIDEO)
There you go, Jenny! Socks! Socks!
Socks everywhere! Everywhere but in
a drawer! ... I’m swimming in
socks! I’m swimming in them! I’m
the Michael Phelps of socks! It’s
over between us! Get the fuck out
of here, you freaking nutcase!

WOMAN (IN VIDEO)

Whatever, Tommy! You’re an asshole!
MAN (IN VIDEO)
Why are you picking up my socks!

WOMAN (IN VIDEO)

Because they’re all over the floor!
MAN (IN VIDEO)
So what?! I told you to get out! Go
organize your next boyfriend’s
socks!
 15.

WOMAN (IN VIDEO)

Fine! I’ll leave. Let me just put
away all these socks, and it’ll be
over between us!

MAN (IN VIDEO)

I said get out!
WOMAN (IN VIDEO)
Fuck you and your socks!
MAN (IN VIDEO)
Stop picking up my socks!
The video ends.
COLLIN
Great video. I’m surprised it only
has 237,000 views.
(to Brian)
I’m gonna email it to dad. You
know, he watches YouTube videos on
his iPhone. Mostly Johnny Carson.

SARAH
... Okay. Interesting story. I
liked the part about the socks.
Anyways, dinner will be ready in
five minutes.

BRIAN
What did you make?
SARAH
Pasta primavera.

COLLIN
Um. Is there any papaya juice in
that?
SARAH
Uh. No.
COLLIN
Okay. Great. ’Cause I’m allergic to
papayas.

BRIAN
Well. It’s a good thing you don’t
live in Hawaii.
 16.

COLLIN
Yeah. I know. Most Hawaiians are
really racist.
SARAH
Okay. I’m gonna go get dinner.
Aloha.
INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT
Collin, Sarah, and Brian are eating pasta primavera.

COLLIN
Mmmm. This is so good.
SARAH
I’m glad you like it.

COLLIN
No. I mean this is seriously good.
As in, I want to eat this three
times a day for the next five
years.

BRIAN
(to Sarah)
Honey. The next time you make
pasta, put a little papaya juice in
it.

COLLIN
I’m just saying. This pasta is so
good. The more I eat it, the madder
I get at the Olive Garden. They
should change their name to Olive
Garbage.
BRIAN
OK, Collin. Calm down.
COLLIN
Alright. Sorry. I just, sometimes I
get hyped up over stuff. It didn’t
happen that much when I was in
college, though--’cause, you know,
all of the college weed.

BRIAN
(to Sarah)
I guess he’s part of the three out
of four.
 17.

SARAH
That also explains the air
freshener.
COLLIN
(to Brian)
I was just thinking. This the first
time we’ve lived in the same place.
You know what that means, right?
BRIAN
What?
COLLIN
It means now we’re officially
brothers.

BRIAN
I guess.
COLLIN
So. What do brothers ordinarily do?
I think they each other douchebags
a lot.
BRIAN
What?
COLLIN
You heard me, douchebag! Now call
me a douchebag.
BRIAN
Eat your pasta, douchebag.

INT. BRIAN’S OFFICE - DAY

Brian and Corey are in an office with several EMPLOYEES
(mostly male, 35-45).
BRIAN
Okay, guys. Most of you already
know my brother Collin, from that
office Christmas party two years
ago where he duct taped himself to
the ceiling just for fun.

COLLIN
I duct taped myself to a wall--not
the ceiling. Also, it wasn’t just
for fun. it was also to win a two
hundred dollar bet.
 18.

BRIAN
I stand corrected.
(to Everyone)
Anyways, as of today, Collin is an
official employee here.
JOHN
That sounds a little nepotistic to
me.

BRIAN
(to Collin)
Collin. You’re our new Vice
President of Operations.

COLLIN
Holy crap! I’m Vice President?
BARNEY
Don’t get too excited. All of us
are also Vice Presidents. Around
here, Vice President means that
you collect debts, and you suck up
to the President.
COLLIN
Oh.
(to Brian)
How do I become President?
BRIAN
You wait for me to die. Any other
questions?
COLLIN
What does nepotistic mean?
BRIAN
They didn’t teach you that at
college?
COLLIN
No. They taught me some bullshit
about the Magna Carta.

BRIAN
Well. Get all of that college
learning out of your head. As a
debt collector, the less you know
about the Magna Carta, the better
you’ll do at your job.
(to Tony)
Isn’t that right, Tony?
 19.

TONY
What the hell is the Magna Carta?
BRIAN
(to Collin)
I rest my case. Okay. Now I’m gonna
give you your introduction to debt
collection. Tell
(looks at paper)
Halbert Jones to pay his $1242.54
in debt. Tell him you’re with
KrupCo Financial.
Brian uses a speakerphone to dial a number
COLLIN
Um. Okay.

HALBERT JONES (ON SPEAKERPHONE)

Hello?
COLLIN
Hi. May I speak with Halbert Jones?

HALBERT JONES (ON SPEAKERPHONE)

This is Halbert Jones.
COLLIN
Um. Mr. Jones. I’m with KrupCo
Financial. You owe us $1242.54.
HALBERT JONES (ON SPEAKERPHONE)
$1242 and how many cents?
COLLIN
54 cents.
HALBERT JONES (ON SPEAKERPHONE)
54?

COLLIN
Yes, 54.
HALBERT JONES (ON SPEAKERPHONE)
Great. I’ll send over a check.
Right after you bring your lips
over here and kiss my white ass!
He hangs up.
BRIAN
(to Collin)

(MORE)
 20.

BRIAN (cont’d)
And that completes your
introduction to debt collection.
Any questions?

COLLIN
Yeah. How often are people gonna
tell me to kiss their white ass?
BRIAN
Most of the time. I mean, most of
the time, people are gonna insult
or evade you.
COLLIN
This is seriously what you do for a
living?

BRIAN
You bet your white ass it is.
COLLIN
And how do we make money?

BRIAN
John. Explain it to him.
JOHN
We go one for ten, and we win.

BRIAN
Exactly.
(to Collin)
If you call ten people, one of them
sends you money, and nine of them
ignore you or tell you off, means
you won.
COLLIN
Where I’m from, that’s not a win.

BRIAN
In this business, you have to come
across some thorns to get to the
rose. Nine rejections on the way to
one acceptance.

COLLIN
I see. And do I get to tell anyone
to kiss my ass?
add scene
 21.

INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING

Brian, Sara, and Collin are eating dinner.

COLLIN
What’s this?
SARAH
Chile con carne.

COLLIN
Mm. This is so good.
BRIAN
Here we go again.

COLLIN
No. I’m just saying. This is
freaking amazing. It’s so good, it
makes me hate Chipotle. Chipotle?
It’s more like Chih... uh. Chih...
Give me a second.
BRIAN
(to Sarah)
So. How was your day, honey?

SARAH
Well. I want to Joey Lee’s house
and taught him "Twinkle, Twinkle,
Little Star." And Joey’s father was
walking around the house in his
underwear the entire time.
BRIAN
Interesting. Was he wearing boxers
or briefs?

SARAH
It was actually more like a
G-string.
COLLIN
Did you record him? You can put the
video on YouTube.
SARAH
Uh. No. I did the opposite of
recording him.

BRIAN
Well. Was he sexually harassing
you?
 22.

SARAH
No. He’s just weird. So--how were
things at the office?
BRIAN
(to Collin)
Well, Collin. What did you learn
today?
COLLIN
That every rose has its thorns. In
other words, if you want to collect
a debt, you have to listen to nine
people tell you to kiss their white
ass. Or sometimes it’s their black,
Mexican, or Chinese ass.

BRIAN
Very good.
(to Sarah)
One day on the job, and he already
understands the primary lesson.

COLLIN
Does that mean you’re gonna give me
a raise?
BRIAN
I’m not even gonna give you a
salary. You get paid in commissions
only.
COLLIN
No salary? But what about the
union?

BRIAN
Your salary is your room and this
dinner.
COLLIN
Well. It’s a really good dinner. No
more Chipotle for me. Chipotle?
It’s more like Ch-puke-le. There we
go.